|
Never before has this happened. Even the slimmest of weeks in the past have seen at least one single worth buying. Not so for 5th April 1999, the day the music died (temporarily, we have to hope). However, two singles
were released this week that have to be mentioned. Whilst I could not find it within myself to part with hard cash in order that I vent my spleen all over the b-sides as well, neither could I let these two musical
travesties escape unharmed into an unsuspecting world. The culprits? Read on....
Non Single of the Week 1
"Promises" by The Cranberries
Jumping Jesus Jones on a stick, what fresh monstrosity is this? Best (worst?) experienced with the disastrously
misdirected video (a cross between The Crow and carry On Cowboy, with the best bits of both hacked off with a
rusty meat cleaver), "Promises" is the sound of the devil's backside after a particularly dodgy curry. Dolores, bleached of hair and leather of
trousers, belts out this raucous rock racket in a manner than only Q readers could love. And all the while, that intensely irratiting vocal whine buzzes round your head like a particularly annoying wasp.
Take 'em away and book 'em.
Rating: PAH!
Non Single of the Week 2
"Barbarella" by Alisha's Attic
But the crimes of the Cranberries pale into mildly annoying insignificance when compared to this steaming pile
of inane, turgid nonsense. Now, Belisha's Beacon have burbled away relatively inoffensively in the past, treading the Shakespeare's Sister path of least resistance - music for the cast of This Life to eat dinner by.
But now, "Barbarella" - although as musically forgettable and throwaway as anything they've done before - spews forth onto the scene like a burst colostomy bag.
What has caused my bile to rise so readily here are the lyrics. They are written by your gran. To wit:
"It's more like Barbarella, Barbarella
Not like the old fifties glamour
Do you remember glamour on Sunset Boulevard?
(Do you remember, do you remember?)
When ladies were ladies and men were men?
But now the future's taken over
We're out of control again.
Virtual reality isn't real"
FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF!!! F-U-C-K O-F-F!!! FUCK OFF!!!!!
Ahem. I mean, for fuck's sake - how old are these pair of arseholes meant to be? "Do I remember glamour on Sunset Boulevard"?? Of course I fucking don't! I'm too young! But - ironically - I'm older than either of these
slappers!
But oh yes, the future's a terrible thing isn't it? Not like the old days when all this was fields, and you could catch tuberculosis walking to and from the shops (no buses in them days, y'know). And they let you
into the pictures for two empty jam jars and a couple of copies of The Beano (if you got time off from cleaning the chimneys).
So...only releasing your single on 78rpm then girls??
And the video is pish too; featuring as it does the two dozy bints prannying about pretending to be glamourous, whilst in reality the director, cameraman and half the rest of the males watching are having a frenzied hand shandy over the blatant lesbian overtones.
Take 'em away and shoot 'em.
Rating: HAH!
Time for my lie down again, isn't it?
|
