23rd February, 1998

So many singles, so little time (and not enough money). Sorry Marion, Metallica and Black Grape.

Single of the Week

"That's Why We Lose Control" by The Young Offenders



Punk meets glam - doesn't sound good, does it? Yes, it does - if The Young Offenders are behind it. Rushing up to you like the ghost of Marc Bolan bouncing up and down on a Spacehopper whilst out of it on speed, "That's Why We Lose Control" inhabits the same world as Kenickie, Dweeb and - grudgingly - bis. In other words, a day-glo world full of cheap plastic sunglasses and populated by kids that refuse to grow up - vital. "We don't want to be like normal, that's why we lose control", they scream, voicing teenage rebellion in the best way since the Pistols. Indeed, the singer knows where his heritage lies, declaring "I'm a punk rocker and I'm never gonna fall in love". All over in 2 minutes, "That's Why We Lose Control" leaves you gasping for breath, and gasping for more. So play it again.

Or play the remix, the "Stadium Stomp" version, where the songs is taken over by the spirit of bands like Earl Brutus and Denim and turned into a glitterball of energy and premium-strength lager. Plus, it lasts longer than the a-side. "Remote Control" is last, a New Wave lament sung by someone from another galaxy. Think Ziggy Stardust playing with a Bontempi and you're as close as you'll probably ever get.

Rating: 10/10

The Rest

"Best Wishes" by Ultrasound

The hip name to drop at the moment, Ultrasound are an astonishing band live. Fronted by the inimitable and anachronsitically-named Tiny, and backed up by geeks, the band look like they've been locked away in a student union too long, with a few too many dodgy drugs and a few too many packets of crisps. Then: the music begins, like a hypnotic summoning of MBV, Spacemen 3 and The Pixies, but with extra style points; and Tiny flings his arms about and sings like an angel. In short, you have not seen their like before.

On this release, they're a bit watered down from the full-on live experience. "Best Wishes" is a slow, meandering piece, all gentle waves of guitar and honey-dripping vocals. Yet, those of us that have seen them burn like a firework display on stage cannot fail to be a bit disappointed. This is the sort of stuff people used to sit in their bedrooms and listen to, stroking their chins in the light of their blue-bulbed lamps. Not the sort of stuff that kicks you in the head then jumps on your prone body and shags you, which is what they're capable of live.

B-side "Kurt Russell" is a little more like it, but again feels like Ultrasound Lite. However, this is much more of a song, with its lazy 60s-ish harmonies and unlikely yet cool lyrics ("I want to be your hero - Kurt Russell, Eastwood and me"). It still makes you yearn for better things. "Black Hole" is the closest you'll get, with it's Pixies-on-mogodon malevolence and fingers that scrape at the foundations of heaven.

I hope Ultrasound are playing some Ultra-ironic trick on us here, by releasing their weakest material and sitting back chuckling to themselves as they watch the hyperbole rise around what are their throwaway tracks. God, I hope so.

Rating: 7/10

"Keep Hope Alive" by The Crystal Method

We give America The Chemicals, The Prodigy and their ilk - which they call electronica cos they don't understand it - then they try their own hand at it and come up with this. Admittedly, it's not too bad, but it's hardly as downright dangerous, exciting or original as a "Firestarter" or a "Block Rockin' Beats". It sounds like the aural equivalent of one of those old paint by numbers sets (1 - big bass beat, 2 - repeated vocal refrain, 3 - squelchy keyboard noise, etc), and has about as much originality.

Many remixes follow, the best being "BT's Creatine Method Mix", a large House on the outskirts of Coolsville, USA. "Andy Ling's Re-Coded Dub" is a trancy extension to that, and is worth a mention also.

Rating: 6/10

"If You Can't Do It When You're Young; When Can You Do It?" by theaudience

AAAAAARRRGGGGGHHHH!!! Help!! My ears are bleeding. Not from noise overload, but sickly saccharine AOR crap overdose. This is The Pretenders and I claim my £1.99 back from Virgin tomorrow. As everyone knows, the too-cute-to-live Sophie is the daughter of Blue Peter presenter Janet Ellis. She would have been better letting her mum have a go. Our Jan'd have done a better job with an empty washing-up liquid bottle and some sticky-back plastic. And oh yes - song titles like that haven't been cool since the days of The Wedding Present (and arguably even then).

"There Are Worse Things I Could Do" is a cover of the song from Grease , featuring those same Chrissie Hynde vox against a synthetic orchestra backing. Rather horrible. "You And Me On The Run" is much better, with a big Gothic electronic mish-mash of noises in which Sophie leaves behind the Stars In Their Eyes nonsense and makes a good stab at being some black-clad Mistress from Valhalla. Get down, Shep. Last up is "The Beginning, The Middle And The End", an eight-minute rhythmic beast that would sit comfortably next to late-period Banshees material. Much stronger than the coffee-table claptrap of the a-side.

Another of those singles that sounds pretty good - if you reverse the track list.

Rating: 5/10

"The Ballad Of Tom Jones" by Space

Last and most definitely least come those "lovable Scally rogues" Space, with their clever lyrics and quirky tunes (for which, read "novelty" - and we all know what that means - see Black Lace). This crowd are an incredibly annoying thorn in UK music's side at the moment, and this single rams that spike in even deeper. Being a duet between the one that looks like a plumber and big-lunged Cerys from Catatonia, "The Ballad Of Tom Jones" features all those Space trademarks (clever-clever Hannibal Lecter namechecks, music hall quality tunes and ironic lines about knickers and coming from Wales). After one listen, this grates your teeth so much you need falsers. Which means it'll be number one next week.

B-sides are "Happy Endings" (sample lyric "her mother was a man, who went by the name of Stan"), "Now She's Gone" ("it was a woman who looked just like James Bond") and "Stress Transmissions" (an instrumental, but if it had lyrics they would probably be something along the lines of "Me mam's run off with the Our Graham from Blind Date"). Tedious.

Music and comedy do not mix. Apart from when Half Man Half Biscuit did it.

Rating: 1/10

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