24th May 1999


Before starting in earnest, I would just like to state that I have had a REALLY SHITE day, so any purveyors of inferior singles had better watch out...and anyone else, for that matter. Bah, you're all bastards.

Single of the Week

"Red Dragon Tattoo" by Fountains of Wayne

Hence, this summery slice of Beach Boys-playing-volleyball-with-the-Monkees pop gets top slot this week, mainly through virtue of transporting me to mythical 1960s America; cruising down the strip in my convertible, drinking Coca-cola, whistling at cheerleaders, getting tattoos - not wearing trenchcoats, listening to Marilyn Manson, playing Quake and going postal. Oh no.

Incidentally, the faces of Teenage Fanclub can be seen pressed hard against "Red Dragon Tattoo"'s window.

First b-side "Today's Teardrops" however is a red-neck rampaging, pig-sticking, country good ole boy monstrosity that made me hit the desk. Bastards. It's a Gene Pitney cover, apparently. Bastard. "Nightlight" is inifintely better, with its druggy blend of eastern vibes and laid-back vocals. Not quite mellow enough to chill me out, but hey - that's not the song's fault.

Rating: 9/10

The Rest

"You Look So Fine" by Garbage

Second song to take my mind off things today is Garbage's soft cyberpunk siren-song, "You Look So Fine", featuring Shirley purring seductively ("I'm not like all of the other girls") over a desert planetscape of electronic sandstorms. The only thing going against it is that it's the twenty-third track to be lifted from "Version 2.0", and I hate bands that milk LPs dry like that. Money-grabbing bastards.

"Soldier Through This" is of a similar ilk, an echoing spooky thing that slinks about like a cybernetic tiger. Last is the Fun Lovin' Criminals version of "You Look So Fine" which treats the song surprisingly sympathetically, taking it for a close dance in a smoky nightclub.

Rating: 8/10

"Jumbo" by Underworld

This one gains points by invading my head and pounding all the day's accumulated crap into a small, inconsequential mess on the floor. A pumping and relentless synth bass riff runs through a gliding, ambient cityscape, eyes flashing in the neon light as it flits in and out of different sonic layers, bumping between frequencies like the tranciest radio in town.

Remixorama on the b-side, courtesy of Rob Rives & Francois K, and Jedis. The first is an epic ambient glide over the original at 30,000ft. The second is harder and more spikily electronic, giving over the knob-twiddling to an infinite number of drugged-up monkeys. It is not particularly nice.

Rating: 7/10

"Joy!" by Gay Dad

Now onto the ones that reminded me of all the cack I had to deal with earlier in the day. It's no coincedence that they both happen to be bland and uninspiring glam pastiches, with nothing more going for them than nice covers and clever videos.

"To Earth With Love" was a big mighty sexbomb of a song - "Joy!", in comparison, is a damp, soiled squib going off in a tramp's underpants. The likes of Denim did this kind of thing much better and with a hell of a lot more wit - this lot should be locked away with the likes of The Young Offenders, where they can thrash out all their wet Marc Bolan dreams together, out of harm's way (and more crucially, earshot).

"Electrogeist" is better, a Krautrock-style monotonous drone that provides some bass-heavy diversions for a while. "Twelve" also shows a side of the band that they'd do well to flaunt more; a mellow and spaced Radiohead kinda side that ghosts around your machine for four thoughtful and innovative minutes.

Joy! Crap! Bastards!

Rating: 5/10

"Pumping On Your Stereo" by Supergrass

"Can you hear us pumping on your stereo?" ask the monkey boys, and I am inclined to reply "yes, I can - so I'm going to turn the fucker off, in order that I do not have to listen to your hideous and unimaginative Rolling Stones-style caterwauling. And oh yes, your video may be funny (for the first time), but you are still bastards". Bastards.

"You'll Never Walk Again" almost lives up to its title, with a puerile-but-amusing string of terrace chants set to California dreaming style hippy drippiness. "Sick" is a brief reminder of Supergrass when they were good. Bastards.

Bastards.

Rating: 3/10

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