20th September 1999


As a selfless social experiment, I am writing this week's reviews under the influence of alcohol. Whether this results in piercing insights into the underlying pathos behind this week's singles, or a pile of rambling bollocks remains to be seen...

Single of the Week

"Going Down" by Melanie C

I fancy her, you know. For so long the one that no-one (except me) liked in the Spice Girls, young Ms Chisolm slowly blossomed into not only the most talented one of the group, but also the one with most tattoos. Looking back at photos of her in ponytail, tracksuit and no make-up, and comparing them to the pic on the cover of "Going Down" - bleached spiky hair, mascara and attitude - it is difficult (except for me) to think of them as being the same person. Now, Melanie has launched herself - via a baptism of piss-filled bottles at V99 - as alternative rock chick Spice. "Going Down" is rock bluster: high-speed crunching guitars and megaphone vocals about Rebellion For Beginners, and as such is as false as a cucumber stuffed down the front of rock's leather trousers. But if you try to listen to it objectively, it actually ain't that bad, and steamrollers all over the likes of Hepburn (pauses to savour mental image). And - of all the ex-Popsters that have launched an alternative career, Melanie is the best - she could kick Robbie's face off anyday (pauses to savour image again). More grrrl power to her.

(Pauses to go to toilet).

Plus you can see her pants in the video (included here).

Track 2 is "Ga Ga", a close but retarded relation to Blur's "Song 2". But as the guitars go cruncha-cruncha-cruncha-boom, and I fancy her, I'll let it pass. "I Want You Back" is much better, a US rock-style mid-tempo number that has a hook-encrusted chorus. Me, I'll be getting the album. And not just cos I fancy her.

Melanie - email me here.

Rating: 10/10 (and not just cos I'm pished)

"Blue Skies" by Longpigs

Back in 1867 or whenever, Longpigs were one of the best bands around, rivalling and sometimes even bettering Radiohead with their incendiary racket and guitar-smashing power. Now, they return, leaner (minus their drummer, who died in a bizarre gardening accident), but no meaner. In fact, they appear to have turned into a rather shambolic version of U2, which is not a pretty thing to behold. Certainly that's the story suggested by the rather disappointing "Blue Skies" which, although diverting enough in the same way as reading a copy of Cosmopolitan in the doctor's waiting room, merely pisses against the wall instead of smashing it down. Any band that ever remotely begins sounding like U2 should be mercilessly executed. Longpigs - up against the wall.

"Headaches" comes limping along apologetically afterwards, and goes some way towards repairing the damage made by "Blue Skies", particularly with Crispin's vocal gymnastics, but not enough to gain the 'pigs a reprieve from the firing squad. "Seventies. Just Passing Over" wins the prize for most pretentious title of the week, but is closer to the Longpigs of old: laser-guided guitars, vocals more supple than a greased-up contortionist and a production that takes innovation by the throat and throttles some glitter from it. The video to "Blue Skies" follows, and is boring as the song.

I bought CD2 too (and his chum C3P0 - sorry, I thought that was funny. I've got an excuse. I'm pished). After skipping merrily past "Blue Skies" again, "I Love You" appears, and is another original and innovative track, but without the immediacy of, say, "On And On", the video to which is also included here. The video is worth a mention, as it was banned due to some lassie sticking her head in the oven at the end. Damn fine song too.

Give me Mel C any day...Did I tell you I fancy her?

You're my best mate you are. Lend me a tenner.

Rating: 4/10

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