Some definitions

gender

clasificiation (or one of the classes) corresponding roughly to the two sexes and sexlessness [MALE, FEMALE, NEUTER]; colloq. sex.

sex

either of the main divisions (male and female) into which living things are placed on the basis of their reproductive functions; fact of belonging to one of these.

trans-

prefix across, through, beyond, to or on farther side of

transsexual

having physical characteristics of one sex and psychological characteristics of the other

It is worth noting that gender is not the same as sex. A convenient way to explain the difference is to say that while sex is defined by genitalia, gender is instead the sex of the mind. A female mind has different abilities and characteristics to a male mind. This word is strongly corrupted by prudish people who use gender as a euphemism for the word sex, as if they can't bring themselves to say a word linked with sexual intercourse.

The two do not necessarily agree. Although the dictionary defines this state as transexualism, a more common definition implies that a transexual has, is in the process of, or intends to change physical characteristics so that, at the least, secondary sexual characteristics can agree with gender. In general, transexuals change their physical characteristics because they could never change the mind - even if it were technically possible, the result (changing your mind surely means changing who you are), could never be acceptable.

Some people find that although their gender and sex do not completely agree, sex-reassignment is not an option they want to take. Some may feel that the neither of the limited options available (male or female) adequately describe their gender. This wide spectrum of people who are neither classically transexual or part of the `accepted' definitions of male and female tend to be grouped under the term `transgender', although many more specific terms for the many people within this group exist, along with many non-typical concepts of gender - see Raphael Carter's Androgeny RAQ (rarely asked questions) for more information.

My gender

Tracing the history of my gender identity for me begins with both my body and my childhood.

I have a masculine body - tall, strong, muscular. I was always the tallest in my year at school. I was alternately proud of my strength and ashamed by my awkward clumsiness. I felt from an early age that I was physically marked as different, and an atypical upbringing only magnified this.

For a long time, and to some extent even now, I had a desperate desire to be `normal', to fit in. But my relationship with my body wouldn't allow it.

I tried to be like other girls when very young, but failed miserably. A child with scabbed knees and elbows, messy hair, always rumpled and crammed full of energy, I couldn't begin to emulate the neat and tidy doll-obsessed girls around me. And it seemed other people noticed it too. Some assumed I was a boy while others couldn't work out what I was.

As I grew up I tried on various personas in the hope of finding one that fit. After a tense and stressful year of female drag around the age of 18, I joined the lesbian scene and reverted to masculine dress.

In female drag I was humiliated when chucked out of women's toilets because people believed I was a man in a dress. In men's clothes, I found I not only enjoyed being treated as male but got a buzz out of it too. The thrill has diminished with time, but it still feels comfortable and `right'. My interaction with strangers had always been a problems, but when the perceive me as male now, they also perceive me as `normal'.

I find I interact better with people as a male. I can physically enjoy the size of my body, fill it instead of trying to hide it. I can be direct in conversation without being thought of as aggressive. Essentially I feel I have shed an act and am finally able to relax into who I am.

But it is not without difficulty. I now look male, feel male and use a male name. It takes effort to ensure I keep looking male - hiding my chest for one. And because I am still not only physically but legally female, I must use female toilets at college. I have to explain to people I meet who will need to know that even though I look male, I am `technically female'. Many of my friends remain within the dyke community and although some know, others would reject me if they knew of my male identity despite accepting my appearance.

The `obvious' diagnosis would seem to be that I am a transsexual and that transitioning to be completely male would allow me to lead the normal life that I crave. I have been saving for a couple of years for the chest surgery that would put me a step on that road and correct what, to me, is an obvious defect in my body. But in all the time I've considered it, I have not made the choice to live the rest of my life on hormones.

Much as I believe it is a way I could live, I don't believe I actually am a transsexual. Now that I can express a male identity I don't feel the extreme body dysphoria that many transsexuals describe. I don't long for a male puberty.

I know I am not female. I also couldn't be classed as a drag king - I dress/act male not as a performance, but to be me. And it's a full-time way of life. Yet I am not transsexual. If I have to label myself then, I choose transgender as a term that covers female-bodied/male-identified. But whether I`ve yet reached the `real me', I still don't know.

Gender testing

On bored days surfing the web, there are untold personality tests. There are also a couple of sex/gender tests, which I took. Results are below:

Moir-Jessel Brain Sex Test

Because the Moir-Jessel Brain Sex Test is biased in favor of your birth sex, your score will differ depending on your sex.

If you are Male... Your score is 5		If you are Female... Your score is 10
Normal Male You score within the expected bounds of the average male. Most males will score between 0 and 60.		Masculine Female You score significantly more masculine than the average female. Female scores below 50 may show a brain sex bias to the male.

However, all such differences are average differences. A male might score above 60 and still possess a male brain. A female might score below 50 and still possess a female brain. There are deeper differences than can show up in such a simple test.

This test was taken from the book Brain Sex by Anne Moir, Ph.D. and David Jessel.

Bem Sex Role Inventory

Your Femininity Score is 3.450
Your Masculinity Score is 5.500

You are sex-typed in the masculine direction.

The Bem test indicates the degrees of absorption of cultural definitions of gender, as reflected in the user's personaliity. Since the gravitation of an individual to certain sex role behaviors is based on their internal drive, it might be said that the Bem test is an indirect measure of gender identity.

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