AT HOME WITH THE ABDABS:

a modern Victorian farce in one act,
by Andrew Crowther,
with music by Arthur Sullivan:
featuring "Little Maid of Arcadee", words by W.S. Gilbert.

NOTE.

This little musical farce is designed to showcase the acting and singing abilities of the female members of a Gilbert and Sullivan Society. It was provoked by a discussion on Savoynet concerning the dearth of roles for women in H.M.S. Pinafore, and the introduction of an extra scene into that opera specifically to remedy this defect. I suggested that it would be better not to compromise the integrity of the opera, but instead to create a free-standing curtain-raiser which might perform the same task. This is my attempt at such a curtain-raiser.

If anyone is interested in performing this piece, or simply wants to comment or criticise, please contact me at:
ajcrowth@ukonline.co.uk

I don't insist on a performance fee (though I wouldn't say no if money were offered): I only insist that I be properly credited in the programme.

NB: The music for "Little Maid of Arcadee" can be found in two books: Sing With Sullivan (London: J.B. Cramer & Co. Ltd., [1977?]), and The Authentic Gilbert and Sullivan Songbook (New York: Dover Publications, 1977). Please note, however, that the latter uses a slightly toned-down version of the lyric. Susan ought to sing the original version.

Andrew Crowther.

18/9/98.

CHARACTERS:

GOLIATH ABDAB
MARY ABDAB, his wife
VERITY ABDAB, their daughter
SUSAN (SUE) BRETT, their housemaid
THOMAS, a baker's boy

SCENE: - a middle-class dining room, 1872, rather severe in appearance. Door in back. Dining table and chairs centre, and an easy chair to one side. There is a large trunk to one side, suitable for hiding someone in. As the curtain rises we hear a short instrumental introduction - "I once was a very abandoned person" - and we find seated round the table: GOLIATH ABDAB (a severe Victorian patriarch); his wife MARY; and their daughter VERITY (a serious young woman in glasses). They sit ramrod-straight in their chairs. They have just finished eating breakfast, and their maidservant, SUSAN BRETT, is clearing away the plates.

GOLIATH: May we give thanks to the Lord for an excellent breakfast!

MARY [mildly]: Susan helped a little too, Goliath dear. [To SUSAN] Thank you, Susan.

GOLIATH: Please do not blaspheme, Mary.

MARY: I'm sorry, Goliath.

GOLIATH: Whatever we receive is by God's grace. Susan has nothing to do with it.

MARY: Yes, dear.

SUSAN [stepping forward]: Begging your pardon, sir?

GOLIATH: Yes, Susan?

SUSAN: Will you be requiring me to do the dusting today, then, sir, or shall I leave it for the Lord to do?

[A strained pause.]

GOLIATH [calmly]: If you ever say anything like that again, I shall dismiss you. Do you understand?

SUSAN [terrified]: Yes, sir.

GOLIATH [standing up]: The world outside these four walls may be wallowing in sin and unbelief, but I shall not have such foulness dragged in here. This is a house of piety, of clean living.

SUSAN: Yes, sir. [She has put plates, cutlery etc. onto a tray and has picked it up.]

GOLIATH: Well, I must venture out into the wicked world and earn my daily bread. Fortunately my faith is my shield.

MARY: And don't forget to wear your scarf, dear. It's cold out.

GOLIATH: Yes, dear. Susan, my coat and hat, please. And my scarf.

SUSAN: Yes, sir. [She exits with tray.]

GOLIATH: Mary, I sometimes think Susan is not as pious as she might be.

MARY: She's a very good cook, dear.

GOLIATH: Hm. I will not have impiety in this house. I pride myself on the purity and innocence of my family. That is why I have forbidden all intoxicating liquors from these doors.

MARY [with a sigh]: Yes, dear, I know.

GOLIATH: That is why I only allow my daughter to read the most innocent and improving literature. Is that not so, Verity?

VERITY: It is, papa.

GOLIATH: Luckily I was able to buy a complete run of Pious Tales for Happy Homes in thirty-seven volumes, at a knock-down price. That is all the reading matter a healthy mind needs, isn't it, Verity?

VERITY: Yes, papa.

GOLIATH: There are books published today that are too immoral even to be named. It is appalling. There is a man called Charles Darwin who.... But I must not sully the air with his ideas. Where in goodness has Susan got to? [Calling] Susan! Susan!!

[Enter SUSAN, with black coat, top hat, walking stick, and scarf.]

SUSAN: Here, sir. Here's the scarf.

[She helps him put on coat and scarf, and hands him stick and hat.]

GOLIATH: Thank you. Oh, but before I leave, Verity, we must choose a volume of Pious Tales for you, must we not? I know how you enjoy our little ritual. [He puts down hat and stick on table.] What do you say to Volume 17 today, eh?

VERITY [unenthusiastically]: Oh, wonderful, papa.

GOLIATH: Susan, Volume 17, if you please.

[SUSAN leaves.]

The stories in it are so very reassuring, so delightfully orthodox.

[SUSAN returns with bound volume. She hands it to VERITY, who receives it with ill-concealed distaste.]

GOLIATH: There you are, my child. And may you have much pleasure of the perusing!

DUET - Goliath & Verity.

("I once was a very abandoned person", Ruddigore)

GOLIATH:
I hope you enjoy these Pious Stories?

VERITY:
Father, I make no contradiction.

GOLIATH:
Oh, how sublime their moral glories!

VERITY [aside]:
And how naive is their depiction!

GOLIATH:
These stories show Art thrives by restriction:
They show that sin
Can never win -
Crime always ends in a harsh conviction.

VERITY [aside]:
That is how you can tell it's fiction.

[VERITY opens book and starts to read.]

VERITY:
This story concerns a drink distiller -

GOLIATH:
Already I see the way it's tending.

VERITY:
He was so rich he bought a villa -

GOLIATH:
How upwardly mobile yet condescending!

VERITY:
He went on a sudden spree of spending -
And all he earned
Was good as burned -
His notice for bankruptcy soon is pending.

GOLIATH:
Oh, how I love a happy ending!

GOLIATH: Well, my dear child, I must not stand here all day. That is not how the day's work is done, is it? Good day, Verity.

VERITY: Good day, father.

[She kisses him on the forehead.]

GOLIATH: Good day, Mary.

[She kisses him primly on the cheek. He moves towards the door.]

SUSAN [by door]: Good day, sir.

[She offers her cheek. He ignores her pointedly and exits. As soon as he is out of sight, all three women heave a collective sigh of relief.]

SUSAN: Well thank God he's -

[He re-enters, picks up hat and stick, and leaves once again, with a cold glance at SUSAN. The three women have frozen into their old manners again, but now, when SUSAN has looked out after him and the slamming of the front door has at last been heard, they relax once more.]

MARY: He's gone, Susan, has he?

SUSAN: Definitely. We're shot of him for a few hours, anyway, and that's a blessed relief. Oh, d'you want me to get you your medicine?

MARY: Oh, yes, dear, my tongue's hanging out.

[Exit SUSAN.]

VERITY [slams volume closed]: Pious Tales! Oh, it's enough to make you vomit!

MARY [shocked]: Verity! Please! I know we needn't watch our language when your father isn't here, but you might at least be decent.

VERITY: I'm sorry, mama, but the strain is something awful. It must give way sometimes.

MARY: It's a pity, because he's a good man, and I do love him, but -

[Enter SUSAN, with unmarked bottle of whisky and glass on tray.]

Oh, here we are. [SUSAN puts down tray on table.] Thank you, Susan. [She pours herself a shot of whisky, and drinks it in one.] Aah!

VERITY: If father could see you now!

MARY: Well, he can't, thank God.

SUSAN [producing a glass from a pocket]: Mind if I join you, ma'am?

MARY: Why not? The more the merrier. [SUSAN pours herself a drink.] And you, Verity?

VERITY [coldly]: Thank you, no.

MARY: Are you sure? I don't know what your papa has against the occasional drink. It spreads a little joy in the world, and what can be more pious than that?

SONG - Mary, with Susan.

("Come, bumpers - aye, ever-so-many", The Grand Duke)

MARY:
Whenever you're feeling down-hearted,
Whenever you're less than your best,
When faith in the future's departed
And even a doctor can see you're depressed -
No cure can be better, my daughter,
Whatever the state that you're in,
Than whisky or brandy or porter
Or even a bottle of gin.
It calms you and makes you less fretful,
It swaddles you up like a shawl,
And best of all often it makes you forgetful
Of why you are drinking at all!

So pass the medicinal bottle,
I'll pour out the drink I revere:
There's no need to read Aristotle
To know that it brings you good cheer!

MARY & SUSAN:
So pass the medicinal bottle, etc.

MARY:
If you look at the world when you're sober,
It's quite a disturbing ordeal:
It's always a day in October,
And even the dust seems unpleasantly real.
The coldness, the greyness, the stillness
No human could bear to endure -
But luckily, if there's an illness
That means there is also a cure.
Just swig at your bottle of whisky,
And light is let in at the door -
You notice the tables and chairs are so frisky
They're dancing all over the floor!

So pass the medicinal bottle, etc.

MARY & SUSAN:
So pass the medicinal bottle, etc.

VERITY: You know I don't like your drinking, mama.

MARY: Oh, you're as bad as your father!

VERITY [shocked]: That's a terrible thing to say! This is nothing to do with papa's version of Christianity. Do you know what that stuff does to your liver?

MARY: Oh, it's science, is it? Caught either way!

VERITY [standing up with book]: Well, I can't stand the sight of this trash any more. Excuse me while I try and find something sensible to read.

[She exits. MARY and SUSAN are now both sitting round the table, leaning back in their chairs and nursing their drinks.]

MARY: Sometimes I despair, Susan, I really do. How I can have spawned such a monster I can't imagine!

SUSAN: Well, ma'am, it seems to me -

[VERITY re-enters, pulling behind her a young man in baker's whites, THOMAS.]

VERITY [severely]: Susan, is this yours?

SUSAN [nonchalant]: Oh, yes, that's young Thomas, that is. Just leave him here, I'll deal with him.

VERITY: I do wish you wouldn't leave your men friends lying about the house. They get under one's feet terribly.

SUSAN: Oh, well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm sure. Where was he this time?

VERITY: In papa's Library. Now if you'll excuse me -

[She leaves again.]

SUSAN: Now, Thomas, that's very naughty of you. You know I told you to leave by the back door. Isn't that what I said?

THOMAS: Yes, miss. Sorry, miss.

SUSAN: So I should think. Now be off with you.

THOMAS: Yes, miss.

[He leaves.]

MARY: Another man friend, Susan?

SUSAN: Yes, ma'am. He's not a bad boy really, only he does hang around so.

MARY: What happened to that other young man, the butcher's boy? What was his name now...?

SUSAN: Peter? I was glad to be rid of him. No manners at all.

MARY: And what about that young policeman I used to see?

SUSAN: Oh, yes, I remember.... What was his name now?... Anyway, he wouldn't do at all. Too much in love with the law. There are times when respectability isn't what you look for in a man.

MARY: Oh, Susan, you can't go on like this. My husband's bound to find out sooner or later, and you can be sure that'll be your last hour in this house! Why don't you settle down?

SUSAN: Why not? Because I'm too good to be true! Anyway, it isn't all my fault. The men are just as fickle. It's like that song.

MARY: Song?

SUSAN: Yes, you know - the one I heard in that opera I saw last year.

MARY: I don't know what you're talking about.

SUSAN: Don't you? Then I'll sing it to you!

MARY: Oh, you needn't do that.... [But it's too late.]

SONG - Susan.

("Little maid of Arcadee" - Thespis)

Little maid of Arcadee
Sat on Cousin Robin's knee,
Thought in form and face and limb,
Nobody could rival him.
He was brave and she was fair.
Truth, they made a pretty pair.
Happy little maiden, she -
Happy maid of Arcadee!

Moments fled as moments will
Happily enough, until,
After, say, a month or two,
Robin did as Robins do.
Weary of his lover's play,
Jilted her and went away.
Wretched little maiden, she -
Wretched maid of Arcadee!

To her little home she crept,
There she sat her down and wept,
Maiden wept as maidens will -
Grew so thin and pale - until
Cousin Richard came to woo!
Then again the roses grew!
Happy little maiden, she -
Happy maid of Arcadee!

[Enter VERITY, with book.]

VERITY: Singing, Susan?

SUSAN: Why not, miss? This is such a happy, carefree household that I'd sing all day long if I could.

VERITY: Are you being sarcastic, Susan?

SUSAN: Oh, no, miss.

VERITY: Hm.

[She sits and opens book.]

MARY: You're not still reading that dreadful book, are you, Verity?

VERITY: The Origin of Species? Mama, it is not a dreadful book. It is the most astonishing revelation of modern times. Mr Darwin challenges the basis of all established morality. Why, do you realise - ?

MARY: Yes, dear, I'm sure. Just sit and read it like a good girl.

VERITY: Yes, mama. [Pause.] Oh, Susan. Your friend is wandering round the hallway.

SUSAN [standing up]: Oh, drat the boy! You'd think he didn't know how to open a door. [She goes to door and looks out.] Thomas! Thomas, come here!

THOMAS [appearing at door]: Yes, miss?

SUSAN: I told you to leave.

THOMAS: Well, yes, but -

SUSAN: Don't but me, young man. You're getting out of here before -

[The front door is heard opening. SUSAN looks over THOMAS's shoulder, and gasps. She hastily pulls him into the room and shuts the door.]

MARY: What is it?

SUSAN: It's the master! He's come back!

[MARY and VERITY shoot out of their seats.]

MARY: What!

VERITY: Hide him! In the trunk!

[Hastily SUSAN drags THOMAS over to the trunk and pushes him in, shutting the lid just as the door opens and GOLIATH comes in. He sneezes violently.]

MARY: Oh, my dear! Why are you back so early?

GOLIATH: It's this blessed cold. I could feel it coming on this morning, but as soon as the cold air hit me, I - [He sneezes.]

MARY: Oh, dear!

GOLIATH: It is really impossible for me to go to work today. I must - [Sneeze.] I must... [He stumbles a little.] I must sit down. [He sits at the table. The whisky bottle and the glasses are in open view.] What are these, Mary?

[A moment of panic.]

MARY: Oh! That's just a - a little medicinal tonic, a pick-me-up. I sometimes feel a little under the weather, and it works wonders, you know.

GOLIATH: Oh! Well, if ever there was a man in need of a pick-me-up, it is I. I feel so heavy and tired all of a sudden. [He pours out a measure from the bottle as the others look on, aghast.] Of course, some might say that just as God provides the illness, so God will cure you, and Man must not interfere. But I feel so tired and worn out.... It can't do any harm, can it? [He takes a large gulp of the liquid. He gasps and coughs as he swallows it. After a few seconds:] Dear me! It's... it's rather strong!

MARY: Yes, that's why it's so effective.

GOLIATH: I suddenly feel very hot.

MARY: Why, no wonder! You've still got your coat and scarf on! Let me help you. [She helps him take off the scarf and coat. She hands them to SUSAN, who takes them out into the hall and returns.]

GOLIATH: Thank you, my dear. You're very good to me, you know. A deli'fu' wife. [He pauses, puzzled that his usual precise enunciation should have disappeared.] A deli'fu'.... Oh, dear, I really do feel very tired. I shall be falling asleep if I'm not careful.

MARY [eagerly]: Oh, you mustn't fight it, Goliath dear. A little nap will do you the world of good. Don't you think so, Verity?

VERITY: Oh, yes! Papa, you must try to sleep.

DUET - Verity & Susan.

("My Lord Grand Duke, farewell", The Grand Duke)

VERITY:
Dear father, clear your head
Of worry and frustration,
And take some time instead
For rest and relaxation!

SUSAN:
I'll deal with the housekeeping,
While you are in here sleeping:
No need for you to worry,
The rest of us may scurry -

VERITY:
Your mental world is stable,
So sleep here at the table!

SUSAN:
Yes, trust us, we're not lying,
And hear our lullabying -

BOTH:
Our lulla, lulla, lulla, lulla,
Lulla, lullabying! (etc.)

[At last his head slumps down onto his cradled arms, and he is asleep. VERITY looks at him closely for a second, then nods.]

VERITY: He's asleep!

MARY: Quick, Susan, get your young man out of here!

[SUSAN goes over to trunk and lifts the lid. THOMAS stands up, gasping for breath.]

THOMAS: Gawd! I was turning blue in there!

SUSAN: Ssh! Just get out of here, will you?

THOMAS [rather loudly]: All right, keep your hair on.

[With a snort GOLIATH wakes up and sits up straight.]

GOLIATH: What - ?

[Everyone else is struck frozen - THOMAS standing in the trunk, SUSAN nearby looking at him, and MARY and VERITY by the table. GOLIATH looks round and sees THOMAS.]

GOLIATH: What on earth is he doing there?

[Pause.]

SUSAN [turning to GOLIATH]: Who, sir?

GOLIATH [pointing at THOMAS]: Him! I mean, he!

SUSAN [turning with a carefully blank expression to the trunk]: There's no one there, sir.

GOLIATH: Of course there is, Susan - I can see him! [Pause; noticing no response from the others, he turns to them, uncertain.] There is someone there, isn't there?

VERITY [innocently]: Papa?

GOLIATH: Mary??

MARY: You're very tired, dear.

[He stares at her, then at THOMAS, then back at MARY.]

GOLIATH [sigh]: Maybe I am. I must be iller than I thought. Oh dear, oh dear....

MARY: Have you started seeing things?

GOLIATH: I fear so.

MARY: You must be feverish.... I'll tell you what sometimes works. If you shut your eyes and count slowly to ten, things might go back to normal.

GOLIATH: I do hope so.... Oh dear, this is very distressing! [He shuts his eyes.] One, two, three, four....

[SUSAN tugs at THOMAS's arm, and he gets the idea. He steps out of the trunk quietly and heads for the door.]

GOLIATH: - five, six -

MARY: Could you count slower, dear?

GOLIATH [complying]: - seven... eight... nine... ten.

[He opens his eyes just as THOMAS has left, closing the door quietly behind him. GOLIATH looks over at the trunk, and sees only what he usually sees - an empty trunk, with the lid closed.]

GOLIATH [relieved]: Ah!

MARY: Are you all right now, Goliath?

GOLIATH [he blinks slowly and looks again]: I - I think so. Perhaps I should go to bed with a hot drink. [Looks at bottle.] Not another pick-me-up, I think. I'm sure it's very good, but I want something a little milder. [He stands up shakily.] Oh dear, oh dear!

VERITY [standing by him and taking his arm]: Do you want me to help you, papa?

GOLIATH: Thank you, my dear. [Sees book on arm of easy chair.] Oh, did you choose another book to read today? Let me see what it is. [He moves towards it.]

VERITY [trying to stop him]: Oh, you needn't bother about that, papa. Just a piece of devotional literature. Let me help you up to your room.

[But he has picked up the book. He looks at the spine, and a puzzled expression crosses his face. He opens it and looks at the title page. He lets out a cry of horror and collapses, by chance, into the easy chair.]

GOLIATH: Verity! Verity! Tell me it isn't true! Tell me it's the fever again!

VERITY: Father?

GOLIATH: Not Darwin, Verity! Not The Origin of Species!

MARY: Of course it isn't that, Goliath dear. Your eyes are deceiving you, aren't they, Verity?

[VERITY has paused, thinking.]

Verity?

VERITY: No. No, I don't think this is right.

MARY [aghast]: What!

VERITY: I don't like lying to father. I think I ought to tell him the truth.

GOLIATH: Verity! What are you saying?

VERITY [kneeling before him]: Father, I can't lie to you. I am reading Darwin's Origin of Species.

GOLIATH [struck to the heart]: Oh!

VERITY: You're a good man, but I cannot believe what you believe. You may like those Pious Tales you bought for me, but I hate them.

GOLIATH: My child!

VERITY: I do! [She stands up and starts pacing.] They're unreal, they're blinkered. Their time has passed. Oh! How can I explain to you what I think?

SONG - Verity.

("A Lady fair, of lineage high", Princess Ida)

You said the world was an ordered place,
A pageant of creatures, played out with grace;
Man's power on Earth was hand in glove
With the power of God in heaven above -
The power of God in heaven above!
But it will not do:
It is not true!
For Darwin says (and there's no escape)
That we're all just cattle
In a senseless battle,
And Man's not moulded in his Maker's shape,
But simply some species of naked ape!

You said all men that have ever trod
Are equal in the sight of God:
No matter what their power and pelf
They are no better than you are yourself -
They are no better than you are yourself!
But it will not do:
It is not true!
If there is no God and we live life raw
It's the certain sequel
That we are not equal,
And cruelty needn't hold us back in awe,
For it's all in accordance with Nature's law!

In all my years you have always taught
There are certain things that must not be thought:
The world is safer if you simply choose
To confine your thoughts to the safest views -
To confine your thoughts to the safest views!
But it will not do -
It is not true!
With no moral law which can guide our youth
And with cruel Nature
As our legislature,
We must think all thoughts, though they seem uncouth -
The only steady fact in life is Truth!

GOLIATH: Verity, you've been led astray! Oh! How can you believe such terrible things?

VERITY: I don't want to believe them, papa, but I must. I've read Darwin's book, and he's demonstrated it - it's proved. It's true, father, and I can't turn my back on that.

GOLIATH [in anguish]: Oh! I am struck down! I don't know what to think!

VERITY: That's good, father.

GOLIATH: What?

VERITY: If you don't know what to think, that's the first step to finding the truth.

GOLIATH: Oh!

MARY [kneeling by him]: I'm here, Goliath. [She puts an arm round him.]

GOLIATH: What am I to do, Mary? What am I to do?

MARY [standing up with a sudden smile]: Goliath, my dear, I think you could do with another pick-me-up. Am I right?

GOLIATH [eagerly]: Oh, yes!

FINALE.

("Come, bumpers - aye, ever-so-many", The Grand Duke)

MARY:
My dear, have a glass of this tonic,
And soon you will feel right as rain -
It'll ginger you up something chronic,
And set fireworks off in both lobes of your brain.

[She hands him a glass of whisky.]

SUSAN:
It helps your robust constitution
Resist influenza attacks;
Forget all about evolution,
Just put up your feet and relax.

[The three surround him, put his feet up on a stool, plump up his cushions, etc. He sips the drink, bewildered, and grimaces at the taste.]

VERITY:
Dismiss scientific endeavour,
Leave all of their findings unsought:
Pretend that the world is as stable as ever
And shut out dissentient thought!

MARY:
Goliath, let's end by agreeing
On something I want us to say:
We hope you appreciate being
At home with the Abdabs today!

ALL [to audience]:
Indeed, we conclude by agreeing
On something we wanted to say:
We hope you appreciate being
At home with the Abdabs today!

THE END.