a one-act play
(revised 2001)
by Andrew Crowther
Characters:
THE NON-SMOKER
THE SMOKER
THE RECEPTIONIST
[A waiting room. There is a sign reading "NO SMOKING", with the usual symbol. A Reception desk, with RECEPTIONIST behind it. Chairs. The following to music? THE NON-SMOKER sits and reads a magazine. THE SMOKER enters and goes over to the Reception desk, and is booked in. He sits. THE RECEPTIONIST stands up, puts a sign on the desk reading: "Back in 10 minutes: Please Wait", and leaves.THE SMOKER searches through his pockets and takes out a packet of cigarettes; then takes a cigarette out, puts it in his mouth, and lights it. THE NON-SMOKER freezes behind his magazine. THE SMOKER breathes the smoke out in relief, and relaxes. THE NON-SMOKER lowers his magazine, and directs at the SMOKER a glare of pure hatred. As he is seated behind the SMOKER the latter takes no notice. THE NON-SMOKER seems about to say something to the SMOKER, but decides against it. Irritated, he tries to go on reading his magazine. THE SMOKER starts blowing out large clouds of smoke. THE NON-SMOKER sniffs the air, glances malevolently at the other, goes back to the magazine. THE SMOKER creates another cloud, and the NON-SMOKER reaches a decision. He puts the magazine down, irritated, and calls over:]
NON-SMOKER: Excuse me.
[THE SMOKER doesn't realise the other is talking to him.]
NON-SMOKER: Excuse me, sir.
[THE SMOKER realises he is being addressed, and turns round.]
SMOKER: Sorry?
NON-SMOKER: No smoking. [He points to the sign.]
SMOKER [blandly]: Yes, I can read, thanks. [He goes on smoking.]
[Pause.]
NON-SMOKER: Aren't you going to put your cigarette out?
SMOKER: No. Why should I?
NON-SMOKER: Because it says "No Smoking"!
SMOKER: So?
[THE NON-SMOKER is rendered speechless by this. The SMOKER inhales from the cigarette, exhales, then at last turns round in his seat to face the NON-SMOKER, and explains.]
It's just a sign, a bit of coloured plastic. It'll keep on saying "No
Smoking", whatever I do.
NON-SMOKER: That's stupid!
SMOKER [shrugs]: It's made of plastic. You can't expect Einstein.
NON-SMOKER: Oh, you know what I mean!
SMOKER: Do I?
NON-SMOKER: I don't mean the sign's stupid--I mean you! [Reaction from SMOKER.]
No, I mean…. The argument!
SMOKER: That's better. What's stupid about it?
NON-SMOKER [struggles for an argument; at length]: It's a sign. You're supposed
to do what it says.
SMOKER [laughs]: My God! Is that what you do?
NON-SMOKER: What?
SMOKER: Go round obeying signs.
NON-SMOKER: Of course.
SMOKER: Well, okay. [Turns back to face front, and goes on smoking. He picks up
a magazine and starts skimming through it.]
[THE NON-SMOKER is left floundering. He stands up and takes a seat opposite the SMOKER, and stares at him.]
SMOKER [looking up]: Yes?
NON-SMOKER: Put out that cigarette.
SMOKER: Why? NON-SMOKER: Because.... [looks at sign; pauses] Because I want you
to.
SMOKER [puts down magazine]: Ah, now we're talking! Now that's a proper reason!
And why do you want me to put out my cigarette?
NON-SMOKER: Because it's against the rules.
SMOKER [with an admonishing finger]: Ah-ah! Irrelevant! It's just you and me
here. Why do you want me to put out the cigarette?
NON-SMOKER: This is ridiculous.... It's a filthy habit.
SMOKER: Smoking, you mean?
NON-SMOKER: Of course I mean smoking.
SMOKER: So you want me to stop smoking because it's a filthy habit.
NON-SMOKER: That's what I said, yes. You'll kill yourself!
SMOKER: Well, thanks for your concern--but isn't that my business?
NON-SMOKER: What about passive smoking?
SMOKER: What about it?
NON-SMOKER: By smoking in this public place you're putting my lungs at
risk as well as yours, and that's why that sign is up there, and
that's why I want you to put that cigarette out! [Triumphantly.]
SMOKER [really pleased]: Oh, well done!
NON-SMOKER: Thanks.
SMOKER: You've come up with something really relevant at last. So it's your
health that's at stake. That's very good. [He continues smoking.]
NON-SMOKER: So are you going to put it out?
SMOKER: No.
NON-SMOKER [exasperated]: Why not??
SMOKER: I want to explore this. I came in here and started smoking, and your
immediate thought was: "Oh, my God! I'm going to get lung cancer." Is
that it?
NON-SMOKER: Well---
SMOKER: I thought not. You see, that isn't the real reason why you want me to
stop smoking - it's just a rationalisation. A puny whiff of smoke in a room
this size isn't going to give you cancer, is it? There must be another reason.
NON-SMOKER: Look, what is this?
SMOKER: I just want to get to the bottom of this. What's your problem exactly?
It's intriguing.
NON-SMOKER: My problem?? What's your problem? would be a better
question.
SMOKER: Oh, but that's easy. I haven't got a problem--I like smoking, that's
all. But you've been acting very odd ever since I came in. You've
done nothing but harass me for no apparent reason.
NON-SMOKER: I'm sorry??
SMOKER: Granted.
NON-SMOKER: You're smoking in a room where smoking isn't allowed! You don't
call that a reason?
SMOKER: Of course not. No one of any intelligence pays attention to such
things. As for that passive smoking argument of yours, we can rule that out at
once. It's just a red herring.
NON-SMOKER [resigned]: If you say so.
SMOKER: No, there must be something else.... Perhaps you just don't like the
smell of smoke.
NON-SMOKER: Well, it isn't pleasant....
SMOKER: There are lots of unpleasant smells in the world. But you don't go up
to truck drivers and say, "Pardon me, your vehicle is emitting a rather
horrible odour, could you please switch off the engine?" At least, I hope
you don't.
NON-SMOKER: But that's completely different!
SMOKER: No, it isn't. So that's another one ruled out. We're making progress.
NON-SMOKER: I'm glad you think so.
SMOKER [looking at him suddenly]: You're getting irritable. You'd be much more
relaxed about things if you smoked, you know.... [An idea.] Ah!
NON-SMOKER [wearily]: What?
SMOKER: Envy!
NON-SMOKER: Oh, for God's sake!
SMOKER: You look at me smoking and you envy my happiness, and that's why you
try and bring me down to your level. It all makes sense now! By the way, do you
smoke?
NON-SMOKER: Of course I don't!
SMOKER: Of course you don't. Well, it was worth checking. You could have been a
smoker who happened to be obeying the "No Smoking" sign. It could
happen....
NON-SMOKER [a terrible effort at patience]: Look, it's quite simple. This is a
No Smoking room. You were smoking. I asked you to stop. That's all. That's
reasonable, isn't it? After all, there've got to be rules. That's what keeps
society going, rules.
SMOKER [pause; he looks at NON-SMOKER]: You really believe that?
NON-SMOKER: Of course.
SMOKER: Well, okay. [Pause.] And that's what this is all about, isn't it? It
isn't about smoking at all, really - it's about obeying the rules.
NON-SMOKER: It's about getting you to put out your cigarette.
SMOKER [sigh]: This is getting boring. Can't you talk about anything else?
NON-SMOKER: No. I don't understand why you don't do what I say. All the
arguments are against you.
SMOKER: If all the arguments are against me, how come it's you that's losing?
NON-SMOKER [another tack]: Look, if you don't put your cigarette out, I'm going
to tell the receptionist.
SMOKER [calmly]: Oh, deary me. Well, I am petrified.
NON-SMOKER: Have you no respect for law and order?
SMOKER: Of course not. Look, what is it with you about rules and
regulations? Can't you think for yourself?
NON-SMOKER [suddenly shouting]: Shut up! Why don't you listen to me? Oh, this
is awful!
[THE NON-SMOKER stands up and starts pacing distractedly.]
SMOKER [watching him]: I tell you, you should smoke. Then you wouldn't get
into this state.
NON-SMOKER: It's like arguing with a Martian. Look, don't you have at least a
morsel of human compassion?
SMOKER: Of course I do.
NON-SMOKER: Then why do you torment me??
SMOKER [astonished]: Because I want to!
NON-SMOKER: You do everything you want to do?
SMOKER: Naturally.
NON-SMOKER: Even if the authorities don't want you to?
SMOKER: Especially if they don't want me to. [Stubs out cigarette on table.]
[NON-SMOKER realises, after a second, what the other has done.]
NON-SMOKER: Aha!!
[SMOKER takes out another cigarette and lights it. NON-SMOKER realises.]
NON-SMOKER [disappointed]: Oh.
SMOKER [shaking out match]: You were saying?
NON-SMOKER: This is intolerable! Look, for the last time, are you going to put
that cigarette out?
SMOKER: I've just lit it.
NON-SMOKER: So? Are you going to put it out?
SMOKER: You said that was the last time you were going to ask that!
NON-SMOKER: I lied. Are you going to put it out?
SMOKER: No.
NON-SMOKER: Right! You asked for it!
[Suddenly he leaps across, and tries to grab the cigarette from THE SMOKER's hand - but THE SMOKER is too quick for him. He leaps up and retreats behind a chair.]
SMOKER: What are you doing??
NON-SMOKER: If you won't listen to reason.... [He approaches SMOKER like a
hunter stalking his prey. He suddenly lunges for the cigarette.] Give me that!
SMOKER [snatching it out of his reach]: Not likely!
[THE NON-SMOKER pounces; THE SMOKER scrambles out of the way, his composure ruffled. He finds another chair to protect him.]
SMOKER: This is very uncivilised.
NON-SMOKER: Yes, isn't it?
[Another scramble. They are both getting rather out of breath.]
SMOKER: You're mad! NON-SMOKER: It's a mad world. [Approaching him,
coaxingly:] Come on: give me the cigarette.
SMOKER: Shan't.
[NON-SMOKER suddenly snatches the cigarette.]
NON-SMOKER: Ha!
[He holds it in triumph. At this precise moment the door opens and the RECEPTIONIST is framed in the doorway. It is like a teacher returning to a room of rowdy children. The two turn to the RECEPTIONIST rather guilty. Long pause, and the RECEPTIONIST assesses the situation--sees or smells the smoke in the air, and turns to the NON-SMOKER who of course still has the cigarette. Realisation crosses the NON-SMOKER'S face. End.]