Warning! This story is not suitable for ladies and others of a nervous disposition.
CHAPTER ONE A cold wet wind howled across the dark silent city, whistling down the alleyways, and rattling the windows of the Ben Nevis double glazing company. It was London in the year 1873 and I was sitting in my office in Oxford Street checking through some orders for patio windows. I can remember shivering a sudden sinister chill enveloped my body despite the excellent double glazing in my office. I looked up and thought I caught a glimpse of a large bat flying past the window. In the distance a solitary blood-curdling howl echoed across the empty streets. A cold wet wind howled out of my bottom from sheer nervousness. The phone rang, startling me. I hesitated before I picked up the receiver. A voice hissed at the other end: "Greetings, friend. I couldn't help but notice you were working late. Excellent! I have a job for you at Count Dracula's castle. Be there tomorrow night, at midnight sharp... or else!" The next day I packed a couple of jumpers and a flask of hot soup and took the express train to Transylvania. CHAPTER TWO It was a pleasant enough journey, although two large evil eyes staring down at me form the Romanian sky did make me feel a little uneasy. Before long I was in Transylvania. I got off the train and loaded my case of double glazing samples into the stage coach waiting for me at the station. The driver was dressed in black and spoke not a word throughout the entire duration of our journey towards Dracula's castle. We sped through the thick black night that had fallen upon us suddenly like a dense shroud of impenetrable treacle pudding. The wind whistled, a wolf howled, and the stage coach creaked and swayed as it hurtled down the track at break-neck speed, pulled not, as it were, by mere horses, but by the very wind of Count Dracula. When we arrived at the castle, the gates swung open by themselves - I was pleased to note they were a set of Ben Nevis Automatic Remote Controlled Castle Gates (with matching posts, only £89.99 including VAT). The coach screeched to a halt with an enormous neighing and squealing and scraping and rattling and shouting from the driver as he was sent flying from his seat into a nearby bush. As I walked up to the castle door I noticed with horror the doormat upon which was sinisterly embroidered the word 'Welcome'. CHAPTER THREE I rang the bell - the theme tune from Neighbours echoed chillingly through the empty halls of Count Dracula's castle, summoning him from the very bowels of his toilet where he was spending a penny. "Coming!" I heard the Count chirp cheerfully as the sound of flushing water resounded through the castle. As I waited, I could hear the sound of the Count's slippers patter their way towards the great oak door. I held my breath as a key turned noisily in the latch and the heavy door creaked slowly open. I found myself face to face with the notorious Count. He beckoned me inside and bad me stay for tea and scones. He was an extremely friendly chap and we got on very well. He was also extremely impressed with my double glazing samples, and after a short deliberation chose a set of deluxe matching aluminium patio doors and windows, with free cat flap. After a short while, the Count walked me to the door and bid me a safe journey. On the way home I was attacked by blood-sucking vampires and narrowly escaped with my life. The End
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