Chapter 1	Chapter 2	Chapter 3	Chapter 4	Chapter 5	Chapter 6	Chapter 7
Mind, Mindfulness and Meditation	Solitude	Parental Love and Guidance	Life, Living and Death	Learning and Teaching	Value and Philosophy	Friendship, Relationships and Loving-kindness

Chapter 2: Solitude

Solitude should be cultivated, bodily solitude as well as mental solitude. Bodily solitude means to be alone. I don't mean to say that we should avoid meeting with people. Rather I mean we should spend time by ourselves. Mental solitude means not thinking about anything but being alert and aware. Some people believe that when we are not thinking about anything, then we must be deeply asleep, or dull and sleepy. People don't understand the importance of solitude. They want to be with somebody who can give them some fun or stimulate them somehow. Craving for stimulation. When there is nothing to stimulate them they become bored. Even when they are alone bodily, they read or watch TV, listen to the radio or cassette, or they think about things they've done or about the things they will do. Being alone, not reading or watching TV, listening to the radio or cassette, and not thinking are things they never thought of as productive.

Wisdom is the fruit of solitude.

Solitude is recharging.

      Life flowing out of deep stillness of my heart

      Undefinable

      Everything else is incidental. (Sayadaw U Jotika)

I'm now in M., arriving here a week ago. Nice and quiet. Simple. No big dayakas (supporters) here, just village folks, farmers. A simple place with simple people. Only my mind is complicated.

A lot of birds; I like to listen to them. Wind rushing in the trees, calming and soothing. So different from the busy, noisy cities. A totally different world. Big cities and big important people are very disturbing.

It's much easier to meditate here. I have no big ambition. Just living simply and seeing clearly. I cannot change the world; I cannot change anybody, not even myself, but I can watch. If I'm wise I will just watch without getting upset about anybody or anything. Who am I to carry the world on my shoulder?

Sometimes I wish I had a friend with whom I could really talk. A lot of people like to come to me. Wherever I go there are people coming to see me. Maybe they get stimulated, encouraged, and inspired to practice mindfulness, or at least relieved temporarily from the monotony to listen to somebody who is provocative, radical, and challenging. There are a lot of people running around doing things for me, offering this and that but there isn't anybody here with whom I can share what is really meaningful to me. At least I have learnt to keep my thoughts to myself and live peacefully.

Yes, the world is crazy but what can I do about it? Nothing. Why waste time and energy being upset about it.

It is raining slowly. No wind. Makes me feel calm. The trees are much taller than they were last year. In a few more years there will be a good forest here. The Forestry Department gave me about eight acres of land. Cheap, eh? Good spring water and good weather except in the hot season. Good enough food also; mostly vegetarian. I have all the things I need. A lot of solid time.

People don't come to disturb me. Sometimes a few people come to clean the monastery grounds. I have a mosquito-proof room with screen windows, a bed and an easy chair, books, medicines, papers and pens. Ah! What is there for me to be unhappy about?

Drinking a pot of good tea from a beautiful glass. It tastes and smells wonderful. Makes me feel fresh and alert. Celebrating the tea ceremony alone. Rain getting heavier.

As far as I know this is the only place where there is no disruption. Scarcity of food (rice) everywhere, but not here. It is now about 1.15 p.m. So quiet. Some crickets and cow bells. The monks are meditating in their kuti(s) (huts).

I dreamed an unusual dream last month. In my dream I was holding a bunch of papers and tickets in my right hand and was going through the checkpoint in an airport, boarding a jet plane bound for America. Maybe it was because of what happened here which made my unconscious mind want to go away.

No place is perfect. This place is good enough. The people here and also the monks are kind to me. I look after the monks when they are sick. They think of me as a doctor. Yet it is so hard to get medicines.

There are three forest monasteries in this forest. My place is the most secluded. No visitors most of the time. A few people come on full moon days to work. Since we don't need much, we have everything we need. I want to read some books, but I can't get any. Maybe I should let go of my craving for intellectual stimulation.

One day is almost the same as another. We walk up and down in the evening. Nothing has changed much in here, as if time has come to a stop or slowed down. The outside world is in a turmoil but here it is quiet; nothing to do, nothing seems important. All, or almost all, the problems seem imaginary. If only we knew how much of our problems are imaginary.

It is as peaceful as ever. Lots of birds here. No conflicts and no problems except the occasional minor ailments. My health is good nothing to complain about these last four months. I'm learning to take care of myself. I eat a lot of vegetables, less oily food, and very little sugar. Peacefulness helps a lot. This place seems to be the best for me.

Life is very peaceful and quiet here: No fights, because there is no organisation here. I'm also getting less and less attached to many things and many people.

Cloudy today. It drizzled. Quiet. The birds are singing. Dried leaves all around. The trees are holding up their bare arms welcoming rain. Hot and dry. No problems. We drop all our leaves. We'll grow new ones when the first rain falls.

Now it's getting cold. Winter is here. Morning temperature is 58°F. The sky is very clear these days. Only a few puffy clouds way near the horizon. The air is cool and crisp. In the night with the full moon, it's really beautiful and peaceful.

Last night I went for a walk alone. Where are cares and worries? Couldn't find them anywhere. It's only imagination, I think.

It is early in the morning now, 4.45 a.m. All the birds are singing. There are hundreds of them in the monastery, and they seem to be pretty cheerful. Since the weather is quite warm nowadays they like to take baths. So I set out two small terracotta bowls (earthen bowls) of water for the birds to drink and swim. It makes me very happy to watch them bathing. They seem to really enjoy that. I give them rice every day. A lot of them come for the food and water. They don't come and take my food and water for nothing either they sing for me and teach me not to worry; to take my life one moment at a time; and not to think too much and muddle my mind. To accept life as it is and also to be ready to die at any moment.

They say life is hard. (Who said it was easy?) But still you can be cheerful and learn a lot from your life. And if you prefer you can get out of this round of existence. (Is it a merry-go-round?)

I am now sitting on the veranda of my little kyaung (hut) here, very quiet. I hear a couple of doves cooing from a distant tree, the wind in the trees. It's about 4 p.m. Rested for a while after a hot bath.

Sometimes I think of finding a cave in the mountains and going to live there alone, but nothing can bring real satisfaction.

I want to live a quiet and peaceful life. I have freed myself of all responsibilities. I want peace, freedom, and deep understanding of life. I don't care for having a following or disciples, recognition or fame.

I want you to understand the way I live my life: Simplicity, quiet, peaceful, with few possessions. I give away most of what I get anyway. So if I don't tell you what I need, it means I don't really need them. To live with few things is much easier for the mind. My friends are Ryokan, Thoreau, Zeno, and my vinaya (discipline) teacher.

You (I) should live in a place where you (I) feel totally relaxed, at ease, and psychologically free, free from the expectations of others; a place where you (I) feel really yourself (myself) and don't have to say or act to please anybody.

I have learnt to live alone. Sometimes I want to express my deepest understanding, but it's hard to find a person who knows how to listen and understand and appreciate. Mostly I am the one who listens. People like to talk to me.

Went for a walk in the forest. Very quiet. Met nobody. Only birds singing cheerfully. Human beings are gloomy.

I have to try to isolate myself from the world.

The higher you climb, the less travellers you find. Oh mountaineer, can you endure loneliness?

My life is quite simple and peaceful. We are three monks here in Mahamyaing. All of us are content and very much in touch with our own mind. Knowing what's going on in the mind is the only way to sanity. I read a few hours a day, meditate quite a lot, walk in the evenings, and talk with my friends. It is very quiet here. I hear birds and crickets. People are very nice and friendly.

I'm not always happy though. Sometimes I feel very sad for not being able to help my kids in more ways. But I will not disrobe. I really love being a monk and living in a forest. I think I am by nature a hermit. I love talking with my friends who really have something to say. I also like to spend a lot of time meditating. Without these things life would be a mess.

Very beautiful sunrise this morning. Beams of light coming down through the clouds. What a mystical world I'm living in! There are enough beautiful things right here. Of course it lasts for a while only but that's OK. Do you feel the mystery in your life? Everything around us is a great mystery. I am a great mystery. You are a great mystery. In a way very sacred too.

I'm living with tremendous awe. How wonderful everything is! They say life is terrible. That's true in a way, but how terribly wonderful life is also. Sometimes I feel so alive and so happy that I'm alive. I look forward to living a long and healthy life. Just recently I've learnt how to live anew. My life has just begun. I'm beginning to appreciate myself, my life, you, my daughters and their mother, and my friends here; also the blue sky, the white clouds, the trees, the birds. I'm really in love with life. (It seems like I'm becoming a heretic.) No, I don't hate life. Yes, there is suffering. It's OK. That's the price I pay for life. I'm really grateful to life. I thank life for all the pain and all the joy it has given me, and I know there's more to come.

The bamboo grove near my cabin has about fifteen new shoots: beautiful, big, fat, lovely shoots. Every day I look at them and feel very happy that they are growing up so well. They are my kin. I just love them.

Sipping a cup of ginseng tea. Tastes great. Just wonderful. The cup is also very beautiful. Greenish brown with grains. I've fallen in love with the Japanese cup too. Have I taken acid? No, no, never seen acid in my life. I'm quite sober. Or, I'm drunk from drinking ginseng.

I've got the book of poems you've sent me: The Mountain Poems of Stonehouse. I really love it. You know what sort of poems I like. I love Stonehouse just as I love Ryokan; both of them are right here near me and I read them often. Actually, I live them.

Another cup of ginseng. Wow, how wonderful!

It's sunny. The birds are quite excited; they're calling out to each other. They really enjoy life, not like human beings. Human beings are gloomy, dissatisfied, complaining, dull, and most of them are depressed. I've never seen a depressed bird in my life! I'll learn from the birds, not from depressed and ungrateful human beings.

Just came back from a walk. So nice to feel the warm sunshine and the cool wind. To be with nature in nature. I feel like going jogging. I've been doing exercises. My muscles are quite strong, radiating energy. I've put on some weight. I must do more exercises to burn off the fat.

A third cup of ginseng. What millionaire can enjoy such pleasure?

I've read your letter more than ten times. I have time to read and think. I want to know what you are trying to say. I will go on doing that. I want to understand my friend very deeply. I will spend all my life trying to understand myself, my friends, my family and my daughters. That's my priority. The rest of the things, I'll do if necessary. I will not consider my life a success if I don't understand myself and those who are dear to me.

Now, I don't value just information and knowledge about external things. The inner world is so rich and wonderful. The more I understand and appreciate those who are close to me the more meaningful my life becomes. It took me so long to find out this truth. They say life begins at forty. That's true for me. I'm so young in this sense, very enthusiastic. I'm beginning to see for myself, with my own eyes. I'm beginning to feel in my own way. I appreciate my life, the people who are close to me, the world I live in, and in general how everything is. I appreciate it when people care for me, help me. I appreciate their help, their kindness; I'm grateful to them. I used to take these things for granted.

How can I curse my life? How can I complain that life is meaningless? Life is so wonderful, so full of wonder. When I die I want to die with gratitude in my heart, and not with bitterness.

Thank you for your sharing and caring.

I'm really glad that we can write to each other (thanks to the mail service). This is very precious. There are only a few people who are deeply meaningful in my life. You are one of them. How long have we known each other? Ten years. I feel closer to you. I can tell you all my silly thoughts and feelings and I know you will not judge me. I'm becoming more and more like a human being. I love my children and their mother more than ever. How strange that I don't become more and more indifferent. A good monk should not have attachments. So, I'm not a good monk. That is proven. Well, anyway, I'm a human being. Not a bad one I suppose (I hope). Never mind. I hope you understand this foolish monk.

Very beautiful sunset this evening, with golden colour clouds. Beyond words.

I hear the call of the wild. At last I have to accept the truth that I am a hermit by nature. I know enough about the world; I will leave it alone.

Have you found a place where you'll be happy and content for the rest of your life? I haven't found a place like that yet but I hope to find it some day. I think every place is a temporary place. Better to have a temporary place which is quiet and secluded. Hoping, hoping, hoping.

You said that you liked Chinese paintings. I like Chinese paintings too. So if you have any prints of Chinese paintings, please send me some. I like old (traditional style) Japanese paintings too - big mountains with waterfall and small huts and farms, simple wooden and bamboo huts. Japanese gardens are very simple and peaceful. You can make a small one with a gravel walking path, some wooden or rock benches, flowering bushes, and of course some bamboo, maple or cherry trees, and you put a small pond or stream somewhere. You need a lot of time to cultivate a garden; so grow something in a pot or in a box, a mini-garden. You can even grow some moss in a box or in a corner of your house.

Just doing office work every day must be tiring. You need to do something creative.

I enjoy looking at the Chinese paintings of hermitages very much. I would like to go deeper into the mountains and live near a simple and quiet village. I might do that some day. This world is becoming more and more crazy. Discontentment and displeasure is burning like a forest fire, spreading far and wide. It's like a contagious disease. Very few people appreciate ancient wisdom, contentment, simplicity. Westernisation is the in thing.

It has been raining since last night. No sun. Cloudy and cold instead. My little charcoal stove is burning slowly. After my meal I drank some tea with sugar. Earplugs in my ears. Have been reading poems from Cold Mountain. Here are some of my favourites:

      I came once to sit on Cold Mountain

      And lingered here for thirty years.

      I divined and chose a distant place to dwell

      T'ien T'ai: What more is there to say?

      Monkeys cry where valley mists are cold

      My grass gate blends with the colour of the crags

      I pick leaves to thatch a hut among the pines

      Scoop out a pond and lead a runnel from the spring

      By now I am used to doing without the world

      Picking ferns, I pass the years that are left.



      Cold cliffs; more beautiful the deeper you enter

      Yet no-one travels the road.

      White clouds idle about the tall crags;

      On the green peak a single monkey wails

      What other companions do I need?

      I grow old doing as I please.

      Those face and form alter with the years

      I hold fast to the pearl of the mind.

      Wise men, you have cast me aside.

      Fools I do the same to you.

      I would be neither wise man nor fool;

      From now on, let us hear no more from each other.

      When night comes I sing to the bright moon;

      At dawn, I dance with white clouds.

      How could I still my voice and my hands

      And sit stiff as a stick with my grey hair rumpled.

I love ancient China. Maybe I was a Chinese in those days. I've been reading Cold Mountain poems again. It is my favourite. I am living here doing as I please. I go for alms in the morning; have my meal for the day at 8 a.m.; walk and sit and read, think, meditate. That's what I want to do all my life, whether I live here or in some other place.

I see my attachments and I'm learning to let go more and more. Attachments are heavy burdens - I, my, mine. If you have no strong attachments you can live in a quiet place.

I imagine the scenes when I read poems like these. Sometimes, in my imagination, I take you for long walks in the forest and introduce you to the quietness, the trees, many different kinds of birds such as song birds and wood cocks, and to the deep peacefulness which you can never feel living among people who are always upset about one thing or another - non-verbal relationships with animals and nature.

I think about the Buddha quite a lot. I have a postcard-size picture of the Buddha sitting in deep samadhi (concentration). He's sitting under a big, old banyan tree with roots coming down from branches. There are some rabbits near him. And it's close to a big ancient lake with lotuses abloom. On the far side of the bank is a big forest and mountain. The moon, a full moon, is just above the mountain. There are some ripples on the surface of the lake. The surroundings are quiet and peaceful. And there the Buddha, my teacher, is sitting in complete tranquillity. No greed, hatred, pride, envy, jealousy, or delusion - a perfect symbol of peace. His face is radiating, glowing with a soft white light, his whole body all very soft and relaxed, perfectly at ease with no tension anywhere. And I, I'm sitting under another tree not far away (but I'm not in the picture). Peaceful. You can join us if you choose to.

Imagination is very powerful. When you imagine a peaceful situation, your mind becomes peaceful. On the other hand, you can scare yourself to death by imagining terrible situations. Since you have a choice, choose peaceful images, like sitting in meditation near the Buddha in a peaceful setting. Imagine all the details. Imagine that you are deep in the mountains. Cool, quiet. Near the Buddha you feel very calm, tranquil, safe, secure, and free from dirt.

Collect some poems which make your mind calm. Copy them neatly in a small notebook, which you can carry with you.

9.30 p.m. I came back from a short walk just now. The moon is very bright. It was a full moon day yesterday. The moon is perfectly round tonight. Cold and misty also. The rain has stopped. It's beautiful, unearthly.

I came back from a walk just now. The bright moon is just above the trees. It's cool. I live in a twelve by eight foot, one-storey house, alone. There are two other monks living in separate huts, not far away. They are good meditators.

There is a small pond near my hut. A lot of water insects swim and dive into the pond, and many kinds of plants are growing there. I like to stand near the pond in the evening and watch the insects in the water. I saw two tadpoles yesterday. We have no electricity here. So I am writing this aerogram by candlelight. I like it. I feel very relaxed here. People are very kind to me. They believe things are better when I'm around.

I got sick for a few days. People brought some food to me. A doctor came. It wasn't serious. People are too concerned for me. I live among a lot of people who love me dearly.

I have all the things I need. I'll tell you when I need anything. I am used to economising everything, even rain water, which is free and abundant, I use it sparingly. It has become a habit with me. I used to live in remote villages where everything, even water, was scarce.

I took a nap. I woke up and went for a walk. It's cloudy, going to rain soon. I hear the thunder. It's been raining for a week; farmers are happy. The birds are happy too; they're singing and calling out to each other. One little bulbul is taking a bath in a water bowl. Life goes on.

Because of my opinions about how life should be I get upset quite a lot. So now I decide to do what I can and leave the rest alone. Being unhappy doesn't pay. People have different opinions and they fight. Let them fight. I won't join them. I won't let them disturb my mind.

The weather is very beautiful today. White clouds against a deep blue sky. Occasional showers of rain and rolling thunder in the distance. Very quiet. I have everything I need: books to read; enough to eat; a nice cabin. People leave me alone. I have no reason to be unhappy.

Discontentment is a disease. People don't see that they're making themselves unhappy. Greed, pride, envy. A lot of people want to leave Myanmar (Burma). Agitation is everywhere. I'm here like an oasis. Some say they feel happy when they come to the monastery. People are reinforcing each other to be aggressive. They don't see that happiness is not out there. If you carry all your defilements with you, no matter where you go you'll be unhappy; something is always wrong with every situation. People blame each other: 'I'm unhappy. It's somebody's fault.' How strange it is that we don't see our own faults.

A very colourful sunset. All of us watched it from the top of the hill. The colours changed slowly from light yellow to a deep glowing red. Sometimes we forget to see the beauty of nature, we're so occupied with our problems instead. Mostly we live in a world of our own creation, which is full of problems.

It's early in the morning before sunrise. So many birds are singing. Because it is safe in the monastery many birds live here. I get to see them and hear them all the time. I love them more and more. They live a hard life, it seems, but they are so cheerful and independent. Different sizes, shapes, and colours. No matter how long I watch them I never lose interest. Do you remember reading about Water Oozle by John Muir? I read John Muir's book again and again. The only book I have by and about him is The Wilderness World of John Muir. He was marvelous; he didn't care for luxuries at all, never owned a car. Lived with so much love for nature; he is one of the Americans I love.

Every morning I go for alms down the road. Just about seven houses nearest to the monastery. Mostly I get vegetables, potatoes, beans and rice. I get more than I can eat. Simple food (no processed food), good for the health. I eat only one meal a day, mostly (except when I'm sick). The weather here is good (not so hot). I have a nice kyaung (hut) for my own. I've some books to read; enough robes and blankets to keep me warm; medicines and vitamins to help my body stay healthy. I travel very rarely, maybe once a year. I have some supporters who provide me with the things that I need (and I need very little). So, I don't need to complain about anything at all. In fact, compared to some other monks, I'm rich (not in money though). I don't have any money to my name; I don't need it. I'm glad that I can do away with money. Living without money is much easier for my mind.

I'm rich in time: I've all the time I need to study and meditate. I'm never in a hurry.

I like reading Ryokan. Here is a good one:

      It's not that I do not wish

      To associate with men,

      But living alone I have the better Way.

      A lonely four-mat hut

      All day no-one in sight.

      Alone, sitting beneath the window

      Only the continual sound of falling leaves.

      When it's evening, please come to my hut

      To listen to the insects sing;

      I'll also introduce you to the autumn fields. (Ryokan)

How simple life could be. Why are people creating such big burdens for themselves?

People are so busy they don't hear the birds singing. They don't know how to appreciate the birds singing.

I love birds, trees, clouds. Walking in the forest is my favourite exercise. I like reading dhamma and meditating. But I don't like preaching. So, if I don't teach any dhamma, please forgive me.

I've no intention to make a big name (or a big noise) for myself. I don't want to become a big teacher. My biggest ambition is to live my life peacefully, quietly, simply, and mostly alone. I don't give any lectures. People can come and talk to me if they want to. Sometimes I tell them to try meditation. But then, they have to go to a meditation centre.

Early in the morning. Lots of birds singing. They seem to be very cheerful, welcoming the sun, beginning a new day with a new (fresh) mind. They don't carry any psychological burden or guilt from yesterday, and they don't worry about the future. How wonderful it is! People are losing intimacy with nature. Instead they watch nature on TV.

I went for a walk in the forest and listened to many kinds of birds singing. I want to live deep in the forest and be a friend of birds and deer and all sorts of animals; and also with trees, streams, clouds, sky, rain, and fog. When I lived in a forest I made friends with some rabbits, squirrels, lizards and a peacock.

I am quite well too. I walk every day. It makes my body healthy and energetic. My mind becomes much more relaxed after walking. I have everything I need. It is peaceful here. No worries, no cares. One day is the same as another. Months go by so fast. Even a year doesn't seem so long. As I become older I hope I become more and more peaceful.

I hear a wood cock crowing. How nice to hear him. A couple of big black forest crows have come. They are not afraid of me. They come quite close to me and look at me directly.

It's been raining for six days now. It's very peaceful. I go out for short walks whenever it stops raining. I would like to go for a long walk in the forest away from people. People are very unpeaceful nowadays. I pick up their minds. I try my best to make them soft, mellow. They're very upset about the situation in Myanmar. It seems like the whole world is burning with greed, anger, envy, jealousy, pride.

A lizard is climbing the tree in front of my kuti and a dove is cooing behind my kuti. What more do you want to know about my life?

Early in the morning I go for alms at about 6 a.m. and eat my meal for the day between 7 and 7.30 a.m. Then I walk for a while. After that I sit and watch the birds and trees and meditate. If I have a good book to read I'll read. Sometimes people come, two or three, to talk about many things but always back to the dhamma. In the afternoon, a young Shan monk comes for his Pali lesson. In the evening, I usually go for a walk into the forest. It's very peaceful in the forest. My minds gets very calm when I get away from people. Birds and trees are peaceful companions. The next day is much the same.

My only indulgence is reading books.

A cuckoo is cooing. So mellow and sweet. It makes me happy and cheerful.

"my life is like an old run-down hermitage.

Poor, simple and quiet." (Ryokan)

I live outside of this busy, noisy, crazy world. Don't become too busy. Cut down all unnecessary activities. Get enough time to rest and relax and meditate.

People should find time to go and stay for a while in the forest. Whenever I go into the forest I feel very relaxed. It is not natural and healthy for people to live in a crowded place. You should live more in touch with nature. At least get out of the city to visit some shrine in the mountains and meditate once in a while.

People are a little crazy living in such congested cities. They don't know what they're doing. Some are born there and used to living there. Some have no choice; they work there, like you, although they don't like living in big cities.

I live in a very different world no matter where I live, because I have a different mind. I don't care for the things that people care for, like money, pleasure, and tradition. I feel more akin to birds and animals and trees and clouds. I understand people and their suffering. They are going blindly down the wrong path. I have compassion for them. They have no quiet space in their mind, and they don't hear my message. They're full of second-hand opinions. Becoming more and more like robots.

How I long to see a human being whole, intelligent, alert, awake, sensitive, not dogmatic, always learning and growing.

I've lived in forests for too long. I don't like to be in dirty, noisy, polluted places, where people are so greedy. It reminds me of a poem I read when I was young: "Goodbye proud world, I'm going back home".

I like to eat a lot of fresh vegetables and beans cooked simply. I noticed a long time ago that if I don't eat vegetables and beans I don't feel well, and if I eat a lot of meat I get sick. Taking some vitamin and mineral supplements helps my digestion. If you don't eat a lot of vegetables you surely have vitamin and mineral deficiency, which results in tiredness, weak digestion, and anaemia. I wish I could get brown rice. All the people here eat white rice only, which is nothing but starch.

I intend to stay here this year. Although it is hot it is very peaceful here. Many people say that they feel very peaceful when they come to the monastery.

Let the body be hot as long as the mind is cool.

      A magpie robin

      sitting on a tree

      singing and singing

      I look at the sunset.

      And I think of you.

      Summer evening.

      How different our lives are.

      And yet there is something

      We both have.

      How strange that we've met.

      And the memories

      Will last until we die.

      A heart which wants to reach out

      And touch another heart.

      Why is there so much fear?

A symphony of birds and cicadas.

Is there a music which is any better? (Sayadaw U Jotika)

Who can imagine the mental life of this monk?

It's about sunset now and I'm sitting outside near the bamboo grove and writing to you. Lots of mynah birds calling out to each other, talking about the day. Well, they must have a tough day, the weather getting so very warm… Such a beautiful and wonderful world we are living in.

I've been sick for a week with a bad throat infection. The weather is cold. Trees are dropping old leaves. After travelling for five weeks, meeting and talking with people it feels really nice to be alone in a quiet place again. People are very unmindful and unsettling, their uncertainty and lack of information is really tiring.

I've been quite busy last month. Discussions, questions and answers with visitors and monks. People and monks come to ask me questions as if I have all the answers. Well, I told them what I know. I'm glad some people are really interested in living a meaningful life.

One of the reasons why I feel so peaceful here is that there is no board of directors here and no organisation. Do you think people can work in harmony? I don't think so. I haven't seen an organisation (monastic) working in harmony. So my motto is: If you want peace, stay away from organisations.

Because I live a very quiet and peaceful life here, sometimes I don't know what to do with so much time. So I write letters to my friends, read a little and meditate. I don't have anything serious or important to say; so it is not easy to write a letter.

You asked, "Sayadaw, do you think I could really live a peaceful and natural life?" Yes, if you really want to, but the transition period is very important (because it isn't easy). After being so busy we don't know what to do with so much time, and sometimes you might think that you're not doing anything productive. You might think that you're being selfish to live such a peaceful, easy life while the whole world is suffering, because you feel like you're somehow responsible for the world. It's not easy to do nothing, to be still, to be a nobody, and to have no responsibility. Especially for you you feel guilty if you don't suffer.

      It's a green, green world I'm living in.

      Whichever way I look it's green

      How beautiful the world is.

      I'm deeply in love with the world. (Sayadaw U Jotika)

What have I done to have such happiness and peace?

Some people think that a monk shouldn't love anything, instead be totally disenchanted with everything. I'm not sorry to say that I'm not disenchanted with everything! I love and appreciate many things in life, and I'm very glad that so many nice things have happened in my life. Of course there were/are some bad things in my life too, but that's OK.

We've finished making the ceiling (of the kuti); it looks like the floor, upside down; it's very neat. We made it with good teak wood. It will last for a long time. It makes the room cool and less noisy when it rains. I like it very much. I will leave it as it is; I won't paint it. The grain and the colour of the wood is much more interesting and beautiful than a plain white colour.

I'm becoming more of a Daigu everyday, forgetting more and more of what I have learnt from books, and seeing and learning more from life. Life is the best book for me. My heart is becoming more simple and open. I don't preach.

Yes, trees are my friends, companions, teachers. I've lived with them so long. I love them very much.

It is very peaceful here. A lot of rain this year. The little pond near my cabin is full. It is sunny today. Very beautiful. I wish you were here.

The weather is getting cooler. Misty in the evenings and mornings. The moon is bright. A nightjar is making a knocking sound - tok, tok, tok, tok, tok, tok. A dog howls from a distant village. I just love it.

I am sitting in the same old easy chair, outside my cabin near the bamboo grove. It is 2 p.m. now. The weather is getting cooler, north wind blowing. The rain has stopped. The sky is so clear and so, so blue. I hear cowbells; bulbuls are chattering; and the best of all songs, the most pleasant to my ears, guess what, it's the wind blowing through the trees. I live with trees and birds, clouds, sky, sunrises, sunsets, moon, and stars. What a wonderful, beautiful, peaceful world I live in. I live a poem. Everything here is almost the same. U.H.S. comes as usual; he gives us brown rice every day. As if time is an illusion.

I live here quietly and peacefully, but this isn't chance happening - I worked very hard for it. It's about hard work, not just good kamma. I chose to live quietly and peacefully. Every day I choose to live quietly and peacefully; it's a constant choice. Needs a real strong determination, a letting go. We can't have our cake and eat it too.

I have found a place. It is very peaceful there. No country, no nation, no government, no religion, no judgment. I go there quite often. Some day I'll go there and stay there for good.

      There is a whisper among the bamboo groves

      Those who do not depend on words to

      understand the meaning will understand the meaning.

      Listen!

I went on trip to Saw in the Ch'in Hills. I've been to a very different world, meeting people who live in a very different way, with different values. They have just the bare necessities and yet are very happy people. No psychological problems. The mountains - oh! They are majestic. The mountains have a very deep meaning for me. I will go back to the mountains and live there for a longer period. People living in big, modernised cities are all crazy. That's what John Muir said a hundred years ago, and I agree with him. I have a lot to say about the mountains, but I don't have time now. I will tell you all about my travels in the mountains later.

I love the simple way of life more than before. Do we really need so much?

I have been very busy for many months. I hope to be back soon; only there can I live quietly and peacefully. I don't like being busy all the time.

We take our old habits of mind wherever we go.

Happiness is such a simple thing: you are happy when you are not trying to be happy. True happiness is not made, not put together, not something you can possess. Why am I so happy? See, when you are happy you want to know why you are happy! That's the way the mind is - always wanting to know why.

I don't have any strong desire for anything. My mind is calm. I feel a lot of metta (loving-kindness). I wish you all the good things I have, dear friend.

I don't want to force myself to do anything. I let my nature move easily into whatever is its natural course, and I've found that it's always positive. My way of life really fits my nature.

Chapter 3: Parental Love and Guidance

I came back yesterday from where my daughters are living. Spent sixteen days with them. It was really a great joy for me to see them after so many years. Their love for me is astounding. I am overjoyed about our relationship which is really open. This is real loving-kindness. Something I was secretly hoping for but never thought possible. My relationship with my former father-in-law and my former wife are also very friendly. We talked a lot about life and Dhamma, and we also discussed my daughters' education. I told them what real education means to me. I am glad to take part in helping my daughters learn about life.

My elder daughter is very intelligent, sensitive and expressive. The way she looked at me made my heart tremble with metta (loving-kindness). I yearn to hug them. I understand now what it cost me to be a monk. I am crazy, almost, with my love for my daughters. Only mindfulness saved me from making a big fool of myself. I was and I am a good actor.

She cried when she came to see me in the monastery where I stayed for a while in their town. I was choking, crying without tears. I felt like my heart was going to burst open. I didn't know what to say. She cried again at the railway station before I got on the train to leave. I never felt so much and such strong love for anybody before. I will be (I am) in their lives. I need no heart-opener - my daughter has opened it up wide. I wish her to understand about life deeply and live a peaceful life in spite of life's tur-moil; go through this messy thing, this meaningless and painful phenomenon called life, safely. I will be at her side whenever she needs me.

My daughter and I talk about a lot of things. We read books together. We can understand each other very well. She wants to get a good education. She wants to learn deep and meaningful things. I am always thinking of how to help her.

As for me the most important event in my life now is being with my kids. I am not a provider but I can be a very good friend.

I'm teaching my daughter many things. She's reading quite a lot. She likes reading, thinking and meditating too. We have become very open. We are real friends. I'm her father, teacher, and friend. I love my kids more and more. I want to have a good relationship with my kids and I want to be helpful to them (psychologically). My kids' well-being, happiness, and their education are my biggest concern.

My daughter is doing cittanupassana (contemplation of the heart/ mind). She is becoming more and more aware of her thoughts and feelings (mental). Her personality is very much like mine, as are her interests. I have no concern for myself; I am only concerned for my daughters. I hope they become more and more aware of their minds. The mind is tricky; it wants change, something different, and boredom is often a great problem. It craves for entertainment and stimulation. That's what most people are doing running after stimulation in many forms.

I plan to spend a couple of months in Magway. I will help my daughter learn more about the mind and people, relationships, how to talk properly, how to listen and, above all, Right Attitude. The quality of education in Myanmar has been very poor, and now it is uncertain. What do kids learn? Irrelevant information; things they will forget very soon, and no teaching on how to improve their character and personality, which is more important than scientific facts.

To be a father and not be a provider. Well, I will make up for that by being a teacher and friend and counsellor. What is most needed? Somebody who understands you deeply and loves you unconditionally. What is the best thing I can give to my daughters? My heart and mind. My daughter said that she felt loved by me; she feels my love. I am happy.

I want to spend as much time as the conditions permit me with my daughters. I don't know when the next chance will come, but I hope, as we grow older, we'll see each other more and more. I want to help them in every way I can.

I am quite healthy and happy. Really enjoying being with my kids. Everybody is so kind to me. I'm a bit surprised. It's the attitude of my mind towards them. I love them and understand them and I appreciate them very much.

My daughters left yesterday evening. There's a vacuum in my heart. Deep emotion. How can I explain it even now? Compared to my love for my daughters I can say I have never loved anybody before. My heart never was so open. One of them has got very thin because she was worrying that I will go far away for too long. How can I go away for too long? I will not do anything that will make her unhappy. She said, "I don't care for anything. I love my father. I want to see you and write to you often. I want you to love me forever. I was very sad for a long time thinking that being a monk you are indifferent to us."

She misses me all the time. So do I. Well, my dear friend, I'm a human being. I will let her decide how long I should stay in the USA. I will never make her unhappy again. I don't care for anything but her happiness. I asked her how long I should stay in the USA if/when I go there. She said, "About a year should be enough." Maybe she'll let me stay a bit longer. I don't want to deceive her. I want to be completely honest with her. At least with one person with her I want (I'm willing) to be vulnerable. She's very innocent and vulnerable. How can I be otherwise with her? My heart is filled with my love for my daughters. At the moment, I'm not interested in anything else. I don't want to read. I don't want to talk to anybody. I want to be alone thinking about my daughter. Her love for her father is unbelievable. Such a young little girl. Such intense metta.

The best thing is my improved relationship with my daughters. I can talk with my daughter with real openness. She is very open and honest with me too. It's really wonderful. To love and to be loved. She is quite mature in her thinking, emotionally very stable, kind, and realistic. She has my type of mind. We understand each other very well.

I give all my love to my daughters. The only thing I can give so abundantly. I talk with them; listen to them; laugh with them. I'm looking forward to seeing them again.

My daughter and I understand each other's mind (heart) very well; we even seem to have telepathic communication. She just knows how I feel, and I know the same for her. We have intuitive understanding of one another's mind. We will become the most loving and understanding father and daughter. Some day we will live in a quiet and peaceful place together, and I will help her understand her mind very deeply. I am her best friend. I will teach her all I know about everything I have learnt. I want to live a long, long life so that I can be with my daughter for a long time. My love for her is the deepest love I've experienced in my life. It is rooted in deep understanding. There is no doubt or hesitation, no reservation or pretence.

Chapter 4: Life, Living and Death

What is the most important thing to do in this life?

Do not disturb yourself by thinking of the whole of your life. Do not let your thoughts at once embrace all the various troubles which you may expect to befall you; but on every occasion ask yourself 'What is there in this which is intolerable and past bearing?' for you will be ashamed to confess. (Marcus Aurelius)

Life is full of difficulties. But don't despise life. Human life is an opportunity to learn and grow. You have lessons to learn and develop your wisdom. If you don't learn deeply you have to come back again to learn. All the difficulties you are going through are very meaningful if you have the right attitude and proper perspective. You must help others to live a meaningful life and there are others who will help you. We must have some kammic connection. We will help each other. So, please don't think all these difficulties are meaningless. We cannot go around; we have to go through.

Things will never be perfect in life. Better not to expect perfection. I am not perfect; I will never be, and I don't expect that.

"That which does not kill me makes me stronger." (Nietzsche)

Even with all its pain, disappointment, despair and regret, I still find life interesting and meaningful.

"The times when you are wounded are often times when, out of these wounds, come new thoughts, new possibilities."

"Joy increases to the extent that the capacity for woe does also."

It is a considerable boon for a person to realise that he has his negative side like everyone else, that the daemonic works in potentiality for both good and evil, and that he can neither disown it nor live without it. It is similarly beneficial when he also comes to see that much of his achievement is bound up with the very conflicts this daemonic impulse engenders. This is the seat of the experience that life is a mixture of good and evil; that there is no such thing as pure good; and that if the evil weren't there as a potentiality, the good would not be either. Life consists of achieving good not apart from evil but in spite of it. (Rollo May)

Life would be so superficial and boring if there were no hardships.

Suffer, learn, and grow.

I have suffered a lot and I suffer now, but I suffer calmly, with dignity. I take suffering as part of life, a very important part. How can I learn anything if I don't suffer? But I stay calm when I suffer. Who would believe that I have deep suffering? I don't think that there should be no suffering; I don't think that there is something wrong because there is suffering; I don't think I should try to remove suffering; I do not try to overcome suffering, but I try to make suffering meaningful; I try to understand suffering deeply. No resistance. I am not depressed, agitated. I only hope that I am wise enough to understand suffering and life.

Each time I suffer intensely, I take a step forward towards detachment. It teaches me to let go. Samudaya (the second Noble Truth: desire) leads to dukkha (suffering). How simple and how true.

We have hard lives. So we learn a lot more than easygoing people. My life is very hard too. Anyway I like it. I have learnt quite a lot: feeling, seeing, and learning very deeply. If you are mindful, suffering makes you see things very deeply. I don't want a carefree life, nor do I want to live superficially, but I do want to know all about life and suffering.

Most people live their life very superficially. They are born into a society and they live the values into which they are born; they are caught up in that society. You have to be very clear about what you want from life in order to create your own value and live it. Even when you create your own value (judgment) you must keep on looking into it and see whether it is realistic, see how it affects your mind.

Living your life is an art. There is no formula. You must always be alert and creative. Once you lose creativity you are as good as dead. Creativity in living one's life is so rare. No wonder people behave like robots! No wonder they have no joy.

All of us have ups and downs. It is important to see them objectively.

To take my life one moment at a time. Not to think too much and confuse my mind. To accept life as it is and also to be ready to die at any moment. They say life is hard. It's even hard for those who don't need to work. But still you can be cheerful and learn a lot from your life. And if you prefer you can go out of this round of existence. (Is it a merry-go-round?)

I don't like dukkha at all. Do you? Here life is simple, and I want it to be even more simple.

Stay calm; wait; be patient. Do whatever is possible at the moment. Nothing lasts forever. Things will change, possibly for the better if you stay clear and calm, but if you get agitated and run around like crazy you will disturb the situation.

All the things that happened to me in the past brought me here, to this point. Since I'm living a meaningful and peaceful life in the present moment now, I feel OK about the past. I forgive myself and everybody, and I am grateful to all of them for what they have done to me or for me. If they had been good to me I might not have decided to become a monk. Now I understand them much better, I appreciate their good qualities.

We feel hurt as if we are still that little boy or girl. To accept the inevitable is very important for peace of mind. I am very grateful to life; it has taught me so much. I want to live a long life so that I can learn more. There are certain things which we can only learn in old age.

Life is very important. The way we live our life, the way we relate to people is the reflection of our practice of Dhamma.

Where you live and with whom you associate is very important. Some people and places put your mind in a bad mood, and to be in a bad mood all the time can really damage your mind. You are very subtly influenced by people around you.

Life isn't so bad. At times it can be really peaceful, blissful, but I don't want another life. I'm trying to understand myself and others and life deeper. To understand is the main thing in my life. I have less craving for things, which makes my mind lighter. However I still have craving for books. No desire to do anything great. Just trying to live my life with the least amount of pain and with the most understanding.

I am doing what I can. Not taking anything too seriously. Everything which arises passes away. Nothing really happens the way I want it. So it is better not to worry too much; not to insist that it should happen the way I want it, especially with people they have their own mind, their own preferences.

So many things have happened in my lifetime. People have suffered so much because they take things too seriously, not knowing that it is not worth the trouble.

I want you to know that whatever happens is OK with me. I can let go of anything. Death seems closer as I grow older. Many of my friends have died. Two died of liver disease, one of leukemia, another from a heart attack, and one other by accident. My mother died from I don't know what. I will die; I don't know when, where, or how. Everything passes away. It's not worth getting too attached to anything.

I have learnt something from everything that has happened to me in my life. So I am open to any experience now.

Every situation/ experience in life, whether it's good or bad, is an opportunity to learn.

To be able to accept uncertainty, and live with it, is a sure sign of maturity. We often want to be sure about the future. Whatever will be, will be.

Before we know about life we say "It's no good". Before we've learnt how to live our life we want to know how to overcome it. All head and no heart makes life very dry. I just hope that you know what you want to do with your life. Do something that will help you feel really happy all your life, until you die.

Yes, the world is crazy. What can I do about it? Nothing. Why waste time and energy being upset about it?

You know 'funny business' gives you more pain than pleasure. I knew all the while what was going to happen but I had no way to tell you. If you want pleasure you have to accept the pain which comes with it. If you don't want pain then don't go after pleasure. Defilements make life complicated. Without greed, desire, and attachment you can live a simple life. I don't want to tell you to become a monk. I know it's too hard for you, but at least you can be a layman living a simple life. You have conflicting desires. You are like the proverbial donkey between two stacks of hay. First of all understand your mind deeply. How do you want to live your life? What do you want to value most in life?

There is no satisfaction in anything at all, and yet we think, 'I'd be happy if…' Looking for satisfaction is looking for pain. Knowing this deeply we learn to let go. Psychological explanations are all right, (I like reading psychology), but unless it leads to seeing our attachments and company and letting go it doesn't lead to peace. With no peace we are still confused and unhappy. Intellectual understanding is not enough; it explains and explains, and the problems pile up there's no end to explanations.

Many times you said, "Really, I don't know". I think that's a real feeling. What do we really know? Really, I don't know either. But I go very slowly; I'm not in a hurry; I don't expect too much either from myself or from others. I make mistakes and I learn from my mistakes.

When you don't know what to do, when you are confused, then you really start looking. It is an opportunity for a new beginning. Uncertainty is unpleasant but it makes the mind become alert. What to do? Look deeply into your mind without thinking too much. Keep your heart open to uncertainty. You have 'don't know mind' now. It is part of your growing process; it wakes you up from your slumber.

I hope you are not unhappy about being confused. Life is strange, at least for me.

Life is a series of changes. No finality or certainty. Always experimenting with new ways of living and relating, thinking that there must be a perfect place to live and a perfect partner to live with; fooling ourselves all the time. How scared we would be without such make-believe! But as we grow up and become more and more disillusioned we find out slowly that there is no perfect place in the world, no perfect friend, no perfect teacher, no perfect monk... Nothing in this world is perfect. I'm not perfect and I never will be. They say the Buddha was perfect.

Is there anything you know for sure? How full of assumptions our life is. Full of make-believe. We are standing on assumptions. If we take away all the assumptions, we will have nothing to stand on. Are you really sure what you are living for? Yes? What is that?

Beliefs, assumptions, hopes. Enough!! Without them the mind becomes light. Those are burdens. Without those one can pay more attention to what is.

You know that if you are not living for something meaningful your life is meaningless. What are you living for? Truth, love, political ideal, your country? You see it's hard to answer. No?

If you have an answer, say, truth. Then, does your everyday life show any proof for your answer? My dear friend, we are so lost. We are going nowhere. We are drifting like a boat with no rudder.

It's quite amazing the way people are living their life, without any direction, goal, or meaning in life, without metta (loving-kindness) and understanding for each other. What a great mess life is!

Some people are just drifting, going nowhere. They have no direction, no aim; they are lost. They don't understand life, the meaning of life, and the nature of samsara (the cycle of births and deaths).

Some people here have all the opportunities to live the dhamma, to practise, but they are wasting their time. You don't know the value of what you have until you lose it.

I'm interested in how you live your daily life, how your days are spent. The way you live should be the source of your inspiration.

I received a letter from U Dh. telling me of his difficulty living in the West as a bhikkhu (monk). He found it impossible to meditate. He said that there was too much happening around him. Well, I know that.

Don't be busy. Get a lot of time to relax. About being busy, the Buddha said, "Appakicco ca sallahukavutti " (not busy, living simply) - busy-ness is the way to craziness.

If you limit yourself carefully you'll be able to develop a deeper understanding of life. Understanding life and understanding dhamma go together. First of all learn to live your daily life meaningfully, sanely.

Do what is the most important. There are many useful things one can do, but we must limit ourselves and do what is best.

One of my friends told me: "You are very talented", but I don't want to be a slave to my talents. I limit myself although I can do many things. I've done a lot in my previous lives. In this life however, I'll learn to live meaningfully; I'll learn the meaning of life.

One should understand deeply that one has been almost everything (man, woman, rich, poor, educated, powerful, etc., etc.). Why be the same this life?

We need some sort of ideal in our life, so that we have some direction/purpose, but we shouldn't become crazy about our ideal. The best ideal is to be mindful always.

An unrealistic self-image is very dangerous.

First of all understand your mind deeply. How do you want to live your life? What do you value most in life?

"How to make life as simple as possible?" Make your mind as simple as possible, then your life will be simple. It is greed hand-in-hand with ignorance which make life so complicated. Not easy when almost everybody around you is living such a greedy, speedy, and complicated life. One needs great wisdom and a strong mind not to follow them. Before you know it, you are thinking of what to do to prove that you are not a failure. You'll try to do all the things you can to prove that you are a success. It's hard to live your life without thinking of what others think of you.

You don't have to spend your life earning and spending money, and yet that's what most people do.

When you want to buy something, ask yourself: Do I really need it? Don't buy something just because it's useful. There are too many useful things in the world. (Too many useless things too.) Make the best use of what you have. Paper is made from trees. If you love trees don't waste paper.

Time is very precious. We waste so much time reading, talking, going here and there, just to kill time. Boredom/ ennui is a big problem. That is why entertainment becomes so important. The mind wants a change. It can't stay with one object.

For many years, I read about philosophy, comparative religion, Buddhism, science, politics, psychology, literature, poetry, trying to find out some sort of guideline to live my life by, something to live for, and trying to find some universal formula to follow. The more I read the more I found that religious or political ideals cause a lot more harm to humanity. Religious wars and political wars prove that. It is really ironic: they talk about making people happy and yet they create misery; they talk about love and yet they can't bear the sight of each other; they talk about solidarity and unity, yet create schism and faction instead.

Now I think for myself. It is my responsibility to find out how I want to live my life, what I want to live for. If I make a mistake I am the one who is responsible; I cannot blame anybody. I cannot be sure about my value judgments, and the choices I make. I have to always be on the alert and see how my thinking affects my life. This is not easy to do. I need to be very mindful, sensitive, and absolutely honest with myself.

Taking complete responsibility about how I live my life is not an easy thing. No wonder most people put that responsibility on religious and/or political leaders! somebody else to take the responsibility for our happiness or unhappiness.

I am not a follower, because that would mean I am not taking complete responsibility for my life. Neither am I a leader, because that would mean I am taking responsibility for others, which would mean taking away from them responsibility for themselves. I am a friend. I am forever an explorer.

I want to keep my heart open for anybody or anything. I don't know how much I will succeed in doing that. I've been living a very secluded life for about six years now, and now I want to expose myself to more people. I believe I will learn a lot if I learn to live with people. It will be a great challenge for me. "Alienated people don't contribute." That is true.

Can you tell me your first priority in life?

I am not trying to be somebody. I just try my best to understand whatever is happening in my life, in my mind, and in my heart.

Most things have lost their importance for me because I don't invest anything in them. Some people might find it hard to understand my change of attitude. I understand them and their problems but I can't take them so seriously. For example, my friend U Dh., wrote about trying to make a sima (chapter house, boundary) in his monastery. I have totally lost interest in such things. I don't even care what people think of me - just fleeting thoughts in somebody's mind. I don't want to disturb them though.

Do what you can, but remember you will never reach your ideal. You cannot be blamed for not being perfect. As for me, I am less concerned about what people expect of me; I don't care if I don't meet their expectations. Feels like I am getting clearer about myself. I have my own standard of values, and I don't think anybody should agree with me about it. I cannot share my understanding and insights with other people because most people are tradition-bound.

To be in conflict with people is tiring. To desire for the esteem, appreciation, and regard of people is a prison. I've tried my best to be a nice guy; I've tried to make everybody happy but I found that when I made somebody happy, there was always somebody else who wasn't happy about that! So I failed in making everybody happy. Now I am trying my best to make just one person happy and that's myself; even that's not always possible.

I've tried to improve people around me, tried to find solutions for the problems in the world. I used to carry a big philosophical question in my mind. A few years back a friend convinced me that I was not God. I think he was right. I'm not responsible for the world; I shouldn't carry the world on my shoulder. Since then I dropped it. So now I've no burden to do anything about it. I live each day simply, peacefully with a 'joie de vivre'.

"Thinking about the people in this floating world something must be wrong somewhere" I think it's in between their ears.

One day is exactly the same for me as any other day. I'm neither happy nor unhappy about the coming new year. So instead of saying 'Happy New Year' to you, I would rather say 'Happy every day', if such a thing could be. It is the same for me with my birthday; I don't know why I should feel happier on my birthday. But I don't mind people saying 'Happy Birthday to you'.

One day is the same as another. Sometimes I lose track of what day, date or month it is. Sometimes I don't look at a calendar for weeks to check. Time goes by unnoticed; days slip away quietly. Very soon this life will be over. But don't worry, you'll have many more lives. So take your time, take it easy. Why be in such a hurry?

This insight gives me tremendous energy (psychological); it makes me alert. I am an explorer travelling into an unknown territory. Being careless is something I cannot afford. I'm always observant, always taking bearings; always careful about every move I make, and always making adjustments.

"I'm aimless. It took me a while to realise I was lonely." Well, I think you are not alone in that. There are billions who are aimless and lonely. Most of them are not aware of it and the rest are denying it or covering it up with something (job, sense pleasures, etc.).

It's hard to accept that I've nobody on whom I can depend, who will understand my loneliness, but a little bird told me, "Such is life, don't carry all the past memories and all the future cares in your mind. Live each and every moment mindfully. The future will take care of itself."

You said, "I'm lost." Where are you going? If you are not going anywhere you cannot be lost. You are where you are. Well, I'm joking. I know how you feel, and I've heard a lot of people say that. Even some people in Burma feel that way. We want our life to be different. But what do we want? Not money, not fame, not power. Something beyond those. Isn't it better not to want anything at all? But then people will say you've no motivation, you're not contributing anything to your country, or humanity. Society demands that we must want something, do something, or else we are useless lazybones. It's hard to just sit quietly and watch the show; it's hard just to be mindful.

I'm doing a lot of 'doing nothing' here. It's great, and people support me just for that. Thanks to the culture, and thanks to the Buddha, too, who made it possible.

"To dare not to be ahead of others." I like that.

More and more people are looking at me as if I'm a wise monk. Sometimes I feel that as a burden. They won't allow me to be foolish sometimes. It's so nice when nobody is around. I'm not faultless, and I don't aspire to be perfect. It's easier when I allow myself to be foolish. A good reputation is a prison.

Try to understand people more. Only with kindness and understanding can you get close to people. Otherwise they will not share their lives with you. It's dangerous to reveal yourself to somebody who's not kind and who cannot understand you, who will judge you and condemn you instead. If you can get into people's hearts you will see that a lot of people are suffering deep inside but they have learnt to cover that up.

Be kind to people but don't try to please them. Don't be an angel. It is hard enough to be a decent human being. Being too good might mean ending up being too bitter.

I always tell people my limit, even when it is something about Dhamma. It is quiet and peaceful here because we have a limit. People want to come every day but we say "No! Sorry".

In the end you must decide what you want to do. Nobody can decide for you what you should do. You cannot live my life and I cannot live your life. It's hard to be an adult. We cannot rely on anybody. Self-reliance is the best.

Nobody and no place is perfect. A perfect place, a perfect community, or a perfect teacher are nowhere to be found.

I know many people but I haven't found anybody who is peaceful except U I.; he is uneducated but he knows how to live peacefully.

We are not all-wise. So sometimes we make mistakes. I don't think we have to feel guilty for the rest of our lives for the misdeeds we have done in the past.

Forgive yourself. Let yourself be a new person.

We confirm ourselves as this or that sort of person. Others who know us also confirm us as such and such a kind of person, but what you are is always changing. You are not the same person as you were ten years ago; you have changed quite a lot; you are always changing. Allow yourself to change, to become a different person.

Life is an experiment, an adventure. It is risky. Take the risk but make sure that your decision comes from a quiet mind.

When I was young I thought life was like a mathematical formula. Now that I am older I see that life is like a poem.

I'm trying my best to make my life tolerable. Sometimes I am in bliss, sometimes desperate.

You won't think I have dukkha (suffering). You think my life is unending bliss? It is dukkha on top of dukkha; a different kind of dukkha though, but dukkha nonetheless. I endure it; I work on it; I have to pay the price. I suffer but I don't complain. I hope I am worthy of my suffering, suffering observed calmly.

A life which is really fulfilling does not need advertisement. If your life is really fulfilling you don't feel the need to prove that.

You said, "It's so easy to get lost here in the USA, lost in busyness, lost in the unbelievable flood and glut of entertainment and information - lost in various distractions." You're right and I think this is very dangerous. A busy life is a superficial life. If you are too busy you don't even have time to understand your feelings, your mind. My father was a businessman. Very busy. He died a stranger to us, his children. I don't know anything about his mental, emotional, or psychological life. He was a workaholic. As a result I decided not to be busy. Most of the wise men, wise authors, and poets I know were/ are not busy. They lived/ live a quiet and peaceful life. They don't care for recognition, name, fame, money, luxury, etc. What people mean by success is so superficial.

Of course one has to earn a living, but to spend all your time running around like mad doing a hundred and one things, which are not essential, is crazy. You don't even know about yourself, you don't have time to look deep inside, because you are always looking outside, which you think is more important, or you get into the habit of looking outside. You don't even know the person you say you love so much.

I understand what you said about the feeling of inadequacy among American males. I have noticed this myself when I was in America. This disease (so-called) is quite rare among tribal people in underdeveloped regions in Burma. Burmese from well-to-do families have this problem too. I think it's because people expect too much from them, and the model of a successful life is too rigid, narrow, materialistic, stereotyped, and dumb. As if there were only one good model for everybody. Live your life in your own way. Whoever really cares about you anyway?

Take it easy. Ultimately nothing matters.

I hope you learn to live peacefully in this imperfect world.

I completed my thirty-ninth year on 5th August. According to the Burmese way of counting I am in my fortieth year. My hair is turning grey, especially on the sides, and I'm also getting thin on the top, a sure sign of old age! Can't escape it. It was so unreal when I was young. Very soon I'll be gone, but I feel OK about that.

What's wrong with death? It is a very important and necessary part of life. It would be terrible not to die. I wonder what will happen to my mind if I live for another forty years? I might be as stupid as I am, or… Yes, I'm getting old too. Lost a lot of my hair. A bald patch and grey hair. Very soon I'll be dead. Now I have pain in my back on and off, pain in my finger joints. Arthritis? That's part of life. No complaints. I want to really live my life fully in my own way for the rest of my life. After that I don't know.

I'm growing older; there's no doubt about that. What I mean to say is that as I'm old now I can really feel it now through how I live my life; as if I'm blind with an acute sense of touch. I don't just see and hear people; I feel them in my heart. I know how warm or cold they are, soft or hard; I smell them too I know whether they are clean or not, whether they are pretending or not.

The good part is that the mind is becoming more mature, more detached. I know nothing is worth the dukkha. I have a place to live, enough clothes; I get enough food every day. My health is not bad. I have enough and I know that. I've some good friends. I can meditate all day; I'm never busy. So, you envy my way of life? I am doing OK. Getting old though. Becoming less attached to my self-image. Happy to be nobody.

      Late at night,

      listening to the winter rain,

      recalling my youth -

     Was it only a dream? Was I really young once? (Ryokan)

Very soon you'll be asking yourself the same question.

Now I'm becoming more expressive of my love. Seems like this old monk's heart is growing bigger in his old age. Cardiomegaly not the disease! But I cannot love everybody. Those whom I love, I love really well. There are a lot of people I love dearly, and some feel it.

Dying a natural death is OK. The important point is how to live a peaceful and meaningful life. I don't mind dying, but I don't want to suffer. All of us must die one day. It might be now. It is one hundred per cent sure that we will all die. Knowing that, we must really live wisely and not waste our time and energy doing trivial things, thinking and worrying about insignificant things.

Death is not that bad. It is the pain in dying which is actually difficult. Because of attachment we think of death as bad, for we leave everything dear to us when we die. I think we should educate ourselves on how to die with peaceful heart, and on how to leave everything we love. A person who hasn't learnt how to live peacefully hasn't learnt much from life. Living all one's life denying death is a sure sign of the immature mind. Better to accept what cannot be denied.

Yes, I reflect on death quite often. I got close to dying twice. Seeing life from that point of view, it's so clear that we are wasting our time foolishly chasing after status, possessions, admiration, approval, and there is never enough. I've seen death closely, but how can I tell others what it's like? When you know you're going to lose everything and when you feel that it's OK, I gave up everything. Then I know the most precious thing I have is the deep understanding of life. Well, some day I'll tell you all about that.

I'm quite well. Just growing old and learning from my mistakes. I'm trying my best to live a peaceful life.

Repeatedly I find that attachment leads to suffering. There is no mistake about that. Watch out for attachments. Desires make you believe that you'll be happy when it is fulfilled, but there is no end to fulfilling desires. We think that some day we'll be happy. Some day, some day… and that some day always moves on ahead. You're lucky if you can say 'I'm happy'.

Growing old is not that bad if you have mindfulness and wisdom. Take care of your health. Rest before you are tired. Please take care of your health so that you live a long and healthy life. We will have a lot more to share when we grow old. As we grow older I hope we become more open and friendly. Real sharing and caring. I am very grateful to life. It has taught me so much. I want to live a long life so that I can learn more. There are certain things which we can learn only in old age.

People have so much to do that mostly they forget the dead.

We think we're important. That is a delusion.

We should do what we can without expecting that people will remember what we have done for them.

We want to be important in other people's lives. We want to feel (believe) that we make a big difference in other people's lives.

You try too hard to be kind to people.

You have too much concern about other people's practice. You will not be at peace if you go on doing that.

Live your life peacefully first. Then do whatever you think is appropriate with a peaceful mind.

"Giving others the freedom to be stupid is one of the most important and hardest steps to take in spiritual progress." Yes.

Do whatever you do with care and attention. Better to do a little and do it well.

Pure motive is rare. (It's almost impossible.)

The more we deny our selfish motives the more harm we will do to ourselves and to others in the name of selfless sacrifice.

      To deny darkness is to deny danger.

      Acknowledgement illumines.

      Denial darkens. (Unknown)

We can pretend for a while, but the truth shows through every now and then.

Chapter 1	Chapter 2	Chapter 3	Chapter 4	Chapter 5	Chapter 6	Chapter 7
Mind, Mindfulness and Meditation	Solitude	Parental Love and Guidance	Life, Living and Death	Learning and Teaching	Value and Philosophy	Friendship, Relationships and Loving-kindness

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