Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 5:      Learning and Teaching

      Craving for a relationship, financial security, someone to look after me, or to be desired by someone make you blind.

      It's your reaction that makes you burnt out. Watch and let go. Things got better in my life because I did not react. I've been very patient.

      To be too much in a hurry to get results can interfere with the process of progress. Do the right thing and wait patiently. I said I've become very different this year; it's because I think I'm not so serious about results anymore.

      Until we can accept that we are alone and until we can stand on our own feet, we cannot have a healthy, meaningful relationship with another. Dependent, exploitative, and manipulative relationships are not meaningful and cannot last long. A good relationship is very rare, even among family members.

      We think we know what is good, and because we think we know what is good, we think we are good. Unless we know how bad we are, we cannot be real. Are you mindful always? You are thinking most of the time how bad people are.

      I make suffering meaningful.

      I am glad that my understanding of life is becoming more realistic.

      We are all more or less idealistic.

      Can you see your life without any religious point of view?

      You are bitter but because you cannot express your bitterness you become depressed.

      Almost everyone is struggling in some form or other to build or protect his self esteem, his sense of significance as a person.

      Goodness makes demands on us, and the naive belief that people simply love the good is one of our earliest illusions.

      Innocence is, in addition, a condition of powerlessness. One of our problems, as we discuss innocence, will be to establish the extent to which this powerlessness is capitalised on by the innocent person. The question is: How far is innocence used as a strategy for living? (Rollo May)

      I am not innocent: I know I am both good and bad.

      I have been talking with too many people for too long. My mind has speeded up - I think fast and talk fast. This speed is very bad; it makes me agitated.

      But now I am here, which is quiet and peaceful. I need to get in touch with the stillness in the depth of my heart. To be too concerned about worldly things makes one less concerned about the real meaning of life. What am I living for?

      Being alone is necessary for me to get in touch with my innermost being. If we are not in touch with ourselves, how can we be in touch with others? Not being in touch with ourselves is the cause of not being in touch with others, which is why most people are lonely.

      It's sunny today. The trees have grown a lot. Very shady here. The bamboo grove has many big, healthy, beautiful shoots; they grow so fast. So much power, they have, the power to grow.

      Birds are singing: doves cooing from distant trees; small birds chirping; another bird whistling so sweetly. So cheerful, they are. And the wind in the trees - so soothing to the mind and heart. A beautiful butterfly, flitting about.

      Do you like classical music? I listened to a lot of classical music when I was young. I still remember some of it. It might sound strange to you to hear this about classical music: Mozart, Chopin, Strauss, Beethoven, Rachmaninov, etc. Get the best recording. Music is a kind of language: very poetic and profound. If you can get Nocturne by Chopin, listen to it: it will tell you all about life.

      Thinking creates so many problems.

      And yet it is always trying to solve problems.

      Imaginary problems and imaginary solutions

      Goes on and on.

      The more unmindful you are the more confused you are. (Sayadaw U Jotika)

      I am reading Memories, Dreams, Reflections by Jung again. Once you wrote to me about this book. I would like to tell you to read pages 33-4 and 44-5. I also have a very strong feeling of being two different persons, I have felt it since I was quite young. Although my parents gave birth to my body I am much, much older than my parents. I told T.T. about this because otherwise she won't be able to understand me. At first I couldn't understand why I did certain things.

      When I became aware of the 'older I' it became clear: the 'older I' knows that life is very short. There are things to be done. To understand deeply is much more satisfying than 'cheap thrills'. To live a meaningful life is most important.

      I plan to educate my daughters. By that I mean I'll teach them about: Life, Mind, Relationship, Communication, Right Attitude, Meaning, Maturity, Struggle, and above all Mindfulness of one's own mind. T.T. is doing very well in watching her mind. That is why things are getting better in her life. We are very good friends. S.S. is also becoming more and more aware of her emotions and feelings. She is also doing 'body scan'.

      "I would like to beg you, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, some day far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answers." (Rainer Maria Rilke)

      Isn't that passage beautiful? It's so sensitive and so profound.

      Right attitude is very important in doing everything. Try to find out what right attitude is.

      To do the right thing without too much concern about the result.

      I am, hopelessly and forever, a learner. I will never be a teacher, but I'm willing to share my learning which isn't the same thing as teaching.

     You said bamboo shoots are not good for one's health. I found out that you are right. So I avoid bamboo shoots. I judge that it is not good for health (at least for me); but I don't criticise bamboo shoots. I don't hate them but I avoid them although I like them. I don't find fault with them. I told my friends that it's hard to digest bamboo shoots, that they are not agreeable to people with poor digestion.

      Without absolute honesty there is no chance to see reality. Dishonesty clouds the mind.

      Is there a place with no trip?

      Dhamma is in living your life, not in books. If you don't understand your life, meaning your experience at this moment, you don't understand Dhamma, no matter how much book knowledge you have. Without under-standing your life, talking about Dhamma is just an intellectual game.

      Some people think that if you know all the theories about how things work, you know everything well. How far from the truth.

      No theory can explain how nature works. Every theoretical explanation is fragmentary.

      It's boring to talk to somebody who doesn't think for themself, who is talking from a book, who has no doubt, who believes in everything in the books. Even talking to… is boring although he is nice and very innocent. I have lost my innocence.

      People who read a map have very different ideas of the real landscape. Maps are useful; without them you can get lost, but you have to travel and explore to understand how the place in the map really looks like, and the two look quite different although they are related. There is a big difference between a map and a real landscape: a map is a simplified version of the real landscape.

      I think the best way to prepare being a teacher is to deepen your understanding of the Dhamma. If you are deeply interested in the Dhamma then you have enough impetus to go on finding out, never resting for a while. Never feel satisfied until you get to the hard rock bottom. You know, one of the causes of the decline of the Sasana (the Buddha's dispensation) is inexperienced teachers teaching the Dhamma, inexperienced both in learning and practice.

      To be too much in a hurry to be a teacher can be a great hindrance in one's practice. If you want to be a teacher you must be creative. Learning the facts and handing them down is not enough. You must understand people, their life, their problems, their capacity, their bent, and then talk to them in a way they can understand and can relate to. Help them understand their problem from a dhammic point of view. Guide them slowly so that they can see the true nature of reality in their own life, in their experience. To be able to do that you must first understand your life and your experiences, your problems, pains, happiness, joy, hope, in fact every aspect of your life. So, first understand yourself. Then help others.

      You must also understand that dhamma is universal; it never becomes outmoded. It's suitable for all cultures.

     You can't make an unwholesome consciousness become wholesome, no matter what culture you're born in. So you need a lot of courage to be able to accept the truth, see the truth, practise the truth, and speak the truth. I'd rather teach the truth or not teach at all. No wishy-washy teaching. But first I must see the truth for myself and live it.

      Real anicca (impermanence) is beyond the mundane level. Reading something in a newspaper and understanding anicca is intellectual. When you really see anicca it is what you are experiencing in the immediate present. There is no thinking. It's hard to write everything in a letter - so much to say, so little space.

      If what I've said is meaningful for you I'll be satisfied. I want to be a freely-functioning person. I don't think this is pride: it's my self-respect.

      I remember how some people judged me, or talked about me, for doing counselling in America. I've been counselling since my high school days. I think the more knowledge and wisdom you have the better a counsellor you become. One cannot make a person become a counsellor unless one has a natural tendency for counselling. It's like being an artist. Only if you are deeply interested in people and life and their problems will you become a good counsellor.

      What is the difference between a Dhamma teacher and a good counsellor? I don't see much difference; both are working with the same human problems. A good Dhamma teacher is a good counsellor. I understand that the Buddha was the best counsellor. What do you think, my dear friend?

      A fragmentary or specialised approach to life will not work. One needs an all-round understanding. In the body, every part is related to every other part. So it is with life. Every aspect of your life is related to every other aspect of life. The economic, sexual, emotional, intellectual, social and spiritual aspects of your life are all related. You cannot keep them separate. If you try to keep them separate your life would be unfulfilling. There will be no harmony but conflict instead of schism. Paralysis.

      Don't do anything you don't really love doing. We have wasted a lot of time doing things we don't really love doing. For duty's sake, to please somebody, "anaday" (feeling bad, embarrassed, feeling obligated) is enough!

      I'm getting old. You are too. No time to waste.

      Understanding people's superstitions and stupidity is part of my education, but if I want to keep myself upset by thinking about other people's faults, I'm sure I can do that for the rest of my life. It's quite easy. Do I want to do that? That's the question. An important question for me at the moment. Dosa (aversion) is painful.

      Let's not waste so much time talking about people's stupidity, and let's be more mindful of our own defilements.

      Don't expect to change the world. Blind force (avijja paccaya sankhara) leading to blind action.

      We are upset about people being religious (orthodox and close-minded); we are upset about people being too sceptical (which is another form of close-mindedness). They won't even try mindfulness. When will people become just what we want them to be?

      Seeing my own limitations, how hard it is for me to see where I am stuck and to become unstuck. "People are stuck", you say. Only when you see clearly where you are stuck is there a chance that you might become unstuck.

      People behave like they know what they are doing. Do they really know what they're doing?

      Self-deception. Sometimes it can be so complete that you don't even know it. Defensiveness makes you blind to your own weaknesses. We deceive ourselves in order to make ourselves happy. Sometimes it is painful to see our weak points; it takes a lot of courage, honesty and mindfulness.

      You know I am deeply interested in therapy because I know how much therapy can help. A good therapist who is also a good practitioner of mindfulness practice can help a lot. He/She can help a person become aware of their 'stuff'.

      You know I am deeply interested in people. I've been doing counselling for nearly twenty years. It's my nature, not my profession. I've read a lot about psychological problems in Western countries. I don't mean to say that I can solve all the problems but I can understand them. I have the will to understand. I've worked with many people with different problems and I've helped them to understand themselves.

      You have a lot of good qualities; you only have to develop them. If you understand dhamma in theory and practice you will be able to help many people as well as make your life more meaningful and productive. Don't you feel like you have something to express but couldn't? As if you have a treasure house but couldn't find the key to it?

      When you feel really OK about yourself and the way you're living, only then can you really help others. So, it's very important for you to get deeply in touch with your mind. Only when you see things very clearly in your mind can you find a way to live in harmony with yourself. With inner harmony you can do anything: help others, or just do nothing.

      Please don't get into the trip of helping others and bringing the Dhamma to the West. First be at peace with yourself. Understand your limitations and defilements. After you have learnt to live peacefully and meaningfully, then think of helping others to do likewise.

      Worrying too much about others, about helping others, about dhamma in the West, about corruption of dhamma in the West, can be a way of escaping from one's own meaningless existence.

      Is it possible to do nothing and feel happy about it? I'm trying to find out.

      Doing nothing is not easy, especially in America where doing is the main thing in life. Without support from those who are near and dear to you it must be hard to live in a peaceful place and just meditate. You need a very strong mind to do that. But if you're sure that's what you want to do forget what others think about it. Just go ahead and do it. The Buddha did that. Tell me if/when you find a peaceful home.

      Glad to know that you have time to meditate. In a country like America, where people can do so many things and where there are so many distractions, to meditate is not easy. One gets older doing this and that, finding no real satisfaction in anything.

      I'm the only idle man.

      I don't want to be busy. Being busy is a wasteful way of living. When you're busy, you get so involved that you cannot see what's going on in your mind. You become unmindful. So I don't want to be a busy teacher. Never. I talk about this again and again because I want you to understand me. I respect your wish. You want me to come to America. But why? To teach? To be busy? To teach what? Things I've read?

      The Pali text is such a great bank of treasure, containing so many clear instructions and guidance.

      You can learn some Pali; it's not hard. In one year you could learn enough Pali to be able to read the suttas by yourself for the rest of your life. Americans are teaching the Dhamma in the West but they are not well grounded. No good foundation in learning and practice. Practice alone is not good enough if you are going to be a teacher. And the confidence you get from being able to read the teachings of the Buddha for yourself is unspeakable. Not having to rely on somebody else's translation is a big relief. Anyway, all translations are inadequate.

      When you live differently you see things in a different way; when you live in a different culture you learn different things, even your own culture seems different to you. Your eyes become sharper. You see things that you hadn't noticed before. Values change; you become less rigid, more open. A different environment makes you alert. It calls forth different aspects of your nature. You're compelled to use your resources that you don't use in your familiar place, resources that you didn't even know you had. So it's very useful to be in a different country, in a different culture, and living with different people.

      Books are my best companions. They enrich my life, giving me a deeper and broader understanding of the world I live in. I think I will read for as long as my eyes can see. Reading, meditating, walking in the forest, talking with some people sometimes, living a simple and quiet life, nothing to worry about: that's the way I will live the rest of my life, no matter where I live.

      Yesterday I talked with the primary school children in the evening. Some kids recited poems, some asked me questions. One asked me why I took robes. I answered their questions as best as I could. I told them about my childhood days.

      A lot of people came in the evening. Most of them are educated. They have a lot to say and a lot to ask. We talked for two and a half hours. Well now, I can't complain that people are not interested in meditation. We did group counselling. People shared about their lives with the group and I shared with them about my life and my experiences.

      A lot of people came to talk with me. It's surprising that most of them are quite young, in their twenties and thirties. We have group discussions every day in the evenings. During the day I give interviews. It is very encouraging that so many people are eager to find out about meditation and Buddhism, to learn. Some of them are good meditators. So I am very busy these days. But I'm happy.

      I am willing to meet people and talk with them. I am very glad that I can be (am) a good friend. The time I spend with them is not wasted. It is inconvenient for me to travel but it's worth the trouble. People do so much for me. So I want to give something back in return. All I can give them is metta (loving-kindness), understanding, and some advice. So if they cannot come to me, then I'll go to them.

      Many people come to see me; most of them are newcomers. Now I see what they're looking for; they are looking for a good friend and a teacher with whom they can discuss freely in a way they can understand. I hope to fill that gap to a certain extent.

      I visit people's homes in the mornings; have my meals in their homes; listen to their dukkha (suffering) and give them whatever advice I think is suitable. So much dukkha in the world. To accept the inevitable is very important for peace of mind.

      If/ when I come to your place, it will be just to listen to you and to talk with you and some of your friends. I'm not a teacher; I'm just a friend/ brother. I can't make people practice, but if they're practising and they want my advice I'm willing to help.

      The role of a teacher is full of dukkha. I'm always on the alert to see if I slip into a role. I'm happy enough to be a simple bhikkhu (monk) living in a simple forest monastery out of the way.

      I have forgotten most of what I have learnt from books. I don't want to remember too many things. I prefer my mind to be empty, clear, and light, and not burdened with learning. I have nothing to prove, nothing to defend, and nothing to propagate.

      People are full of conflicting wishes and desires. Most people don't know what they really want to do. They change their minds back and forth. Inconsistency is the rule.

      Do you know that you are very sensitive? You know, people who are sensitive suffer more and they also learn more deeply than insensitive people.

      You asked, "Do you trust many people?" To trust means to have confidence that people will not do anything harmful to you, that they will not use you. In that sense I can say I have quite a few people whom I trust.

      An arahat lives his life without comparing himself with others. Others cannot do that. It would surely be more peaceful if we didn't "compare what is and what is not". But then our way of life would be very different from the way we are living now.

      We go on living our life full of resistance: resistance to life and resistance to death; resistance to pain and loss; resistance to love (yes, really). Acceptance is so difficult. Children are not like that though. As we grow up we learn this resistance.

      Thinking of you and feeling a bit anxious about how things are going on with your life. Uncertainty is most tiring. I am most concerned about your health. If you are healthy you can do anything no matter how hard. Do a lot of walking - that keeps the blood moving around in your body, not too fast and not too slow. Whenever there is something wrong with my body, either in my lungs or in my stomach, or when I can't sleep well, or when I'm dizzy, I walk at normal speed for a few hours, and it always helps; even when I had an infection of some sort I found that it healed more quickly this way.

      U.I. and I walk in the evenings for a couple of hours, as usual. Mostly we talk about the nature of mind. Sometimes we talk about what people value most in their lives, and how that shapes and forms both their thinking and feeling.

      There are good and bad things about everything, everybody, and every place. When we see bad things about a place or a person we should not forget the good things. We tend to see one side only. When we're upset we tend to exaggerate the bad things, and when we are pleased we tend to exaggerate the good things.

      Adaptability is very important for survival. Rigidity is most dangerous. Compromise in everything except your integrity.

      You said, "I've changed so much." Well, the process is just beginning. If you don't hold on to your old self-image the change will go on and on. You will feel like a new person, always changing and growing, and you will feel younger too. The old is always old; the new is always young.

      Learning is quite painful, and acknowledging what is true is also painful but only then do we grow up.

      You need some distance to see things clearly, to assimilate. When you are too emotionally involved with your experience you cannot understand it.

      Understand your limitations. You can only do so much.

      I don't want to put myself into a pigeon-hole; it is too limiting. I want freedom from a name, a label. I am what I am. I don't need to be categorised. Do you know the root of the word 'category'? It comes from Latin and Greek. [LL categoria Gk kategoria accusation. Also; kind of prediction = kategor (os) accuser, affirmer (kategor (ein) (to) accuse, affirm, lit., speak publicly against)].

      So, categories (affirming people) are becoming less and less meaningful to me such as Buddhist - that's a category.

      I don't like being affirmed, either positively or negatively.

      My mind is becoming more and more free of categories, including good and bad, and things like that. I want to see the real nature of phenomena without naming it. I hope nobody misconstrues me. Why is naming so important? In some cases naming is the same as calling a bad name, accusing.

      Another thing I want to talk about is regarding expectations. How do we know that what we expect is possible? Why do we need expectations? Why can't we live with what is? Aspirations/ expectations make people feel good. When one (aspires) expects something elevated and good, one thinks that one is a good person. Sometimes aspirations and expectations are self-deceptions. They can also cause disappointment.

      The Buddha said that when a person becomes an arahat he/ she overcomes views and opinions. How full of views and opinions we are. Yet we are not sure of anything; we're just a lot of talk; a lot of words - blah, blah, blah.

      Even though I am so loaded with facts and ideas, I still want to know more. My mind is over-crowded, but what is most meaningful, the essence of my learning, cannot be communicated directly and positively by words.

      I know the superficiality of the world, and I know I cannot do anything about it. Sometimes I am superficial myself. Without mindfulness how can people be other than superficial.

      I am reading the history book you've sent, Renaissance Europe. It's important to read history to get the wider and deeper understanding of human beings: how ideas and ideals change; how people create dukkha; how attached people are to views and opinions, which always change. Identification with views, religions, and nationality creates so much dukkha and conflict. Self-image creates separation and loneliness.

      Have you noticed when someone writes something - you know they're writing it from their thinking mind, or from reading about it somewhere else? And when they write it out of their own experience and heart - can you see the difference?

      Have you ever really given any thought to where your problems come from? And how the web of ignoring the root of the problems has landed you in this situation now? Any pains, any remorse, any regrets?

      Can you feel for others? If someone can't put themselves in the shoes of others and feel how they feel, what will the consequences be?

      Have you observed the self-images you could have? Idealised ones, idolised ones, real ones, different ones, which you show to different people. Altogether how many? How can you reconcile them all? How do you put them into one self-image? Or is there such a thing as only one self-image? Then who is this 'big self'? Have you met someone who has the same and constant self-image no matter who they're with and where they are, and in any situation or circumstance?

      When people start to label you, do you start to believe the labels and live according to what they say of you? How much of their perception of you is right and how much is wrong, erroneous, or distorted? How much of what you see in others is wrong, erroneous, and distorted too?

      Have you noticed that a number of people who hate evil are likely to be very evil themselves? Why? I have seen many who only watch out for the evil in others but not in themselves. Their own evil, they run away from it. Would it be true to say that by denouncing others they feel superior to those they deem evil and thus the feeling of superiority gives them the false sense that they are not evil at all?

      A liar can do anything. Do you agree with this statement? How do you feel when a person lies to you? What do you think truth is? When a person transgresses truth, what is he/ she losing? What does one get if one lives a life of lies and self-deception? Can a person grow and develop mentally and psychologically if he/ she does not live a life of truth? What will one achieve if one remains at an infantile stage - emotionally, psychologically, mentally? Is there any real lasting joy and satisfaction in staying at such a stage?

      How are you going to deal with a person with two very distinct and extreme personalities? One persona is kind and caring; the other is cold, callous, manipulative, selfish, inconsiderate, unthinking, unreasonable, uncontrollable, unrestrained, and destructive. Have you met such people before? I have seen a few and I didn't know how to deal with them.

      Words are very vague in meaning and communication. Many things can't be communicated using words. In many cases people just use words to impress, but the truth is far from the words themselves.

      How to know oneself thoroughly? If one does not know oneself, can one know others and expect others to know us?

      Have you pondered and asked yourself why you do certain things, and with what motivation, or do you just do things because there is a string pulling you to do them, without ever considering whether they are wholesome or unwholesome, harmful or beneficial? Are you controlled by old habits and itches rather than having control over such habits and familiar ways, which are not beneficial or conducive to happiness.

      Is there such a thing as a fixed personality? Thus, is there such a thing as a leopard which can't change its spots, or can you turn a black crow into a white dove? Are human beings so weak that they won't and can't change for the better but have to be slaves to their old habits and ways? If there is no change, there is no growth.

      What is forgiveness to you? Do you forgive yourself and others?

      How much injustice has been done to you? How much injustice have you done to others?

      Do you think it's worthwhile to rectify your shortcomings and weaknesses, or would you prefer to stay so attached to your old self-images; that it hurts the ego too much if you change? Can you see the benefit of letting go of self-images and the ego which causes so much unhappiness to oneself and others?

      What is loving-kindness? How to transform it into action in our daily lives? At the end of each day is there a reflection of what one has done, both wholesome and unwholesome? Is there a resolve to avoid further unwholesomeness?

      How can you solve problems and mysteries if you refuse to acknowledge what it is? Are you courageous enough to call them by their right names and expose them and then walk away from them?

      Always be very alert. If it is something that you refuse to acknowledge and deny, and you stay away from (fear arises first), this is actually the time when you really need to look at them. They are always in the unconscious and can arise at any time. Do you dare to confront them? Have you noticed that in the beginning it can be very difficult to start something, but after a few tries it gets easier and easier. Like mindfulness practice, in the beginning it is difficult because the mind is attached to old and heedless ways - always careless. But if you keep on persisting, you will see that mindfulness comes quite naturally. Practice makes perfect. Don't you think?

      How do you see kamma working in your life? Does it work like a boomerang?

      What is the meaning of life to you? What does life want from you? Why do you think you are here in this existence called life? Do you think it is such a precious opportunity to be born as a human being rather than as an animal or other lower forms of beings?

      When you do things, do you do it on impulse or do you make decisions after considering the consequences first? Have you noticed how we are often required to make decisions in life? What are the criteria you have in mind when you make a decision?

      Everyone wants kindness, understanding, love, and compassion from others. How much are we willing to give the same to others?

      If you had only one month to live, what would you do in that month?

      What meaning and significance does death have for you? Can life be meaningful and complete without suffering and death?

      How much have you learnt from suffering - your own and from others?

Chapter 6:  Value and Philosophy

      "Man everywhere and at all times, whoever he may be, has preferred to act as he chose and not in the least as his reason, advantage dictated." That's what Dostoevsky said in his Notes from Underground. What do you say?

      My friend, Henry David Thoreau, said: "A saner man would have found himself often enough in formal opposition to what are deemed the most sacred laws of society, through obedience to yet more sacred laws, and so have tested his resolution without going out of his way."

      As for me, I'm getting tired of being in conflict. I want to live my life very peacefully. I want to find a way to live, without agreeing with the crazy world and without being in conflict with the world either. Let the world go its own crazy way. I'll stand aside.

      If I take anything for granted I cannot be called an earnest seeker of truth. I want to know for myself.

      Another thing I've learnt is to communicate with myself. The only person with whom I can communicate with really, really well is myself. It's not so easy. Every movement, frustration, feeling, pride, boredom (especially when with people because I don't feel bored when I'm alone) is completely communicated (available to me). I feel completely revealed to myself. I understand myself deeply now.

      Now I enjoy a kind of ease, which I have never enjoyed before.

      "All things of value must come from this heart." Quite true. You know, I used to be an intellectual. I valued knowledge and reasoning too much. I read thousands of books on all subjects. But now I read very little although I still value knowledge and reasoning. I can't preach anymore because I feel it's presumptuous. Instead I say and share what I have learnt. My heart is opening more and more.

      Ideals are less important to me now. I don't live a formula. I look deeply into my heart. 'Shoulds' and 'should nots' are not important anymore. I trust my heart instead (my brain is too rational); I feel more alive when I am aware of my heart.

      I don't want judgment; I want understanding. I am not perfect, in fact I am becoming even more imperfect. So I am scared of those who are judgmental. I want to be left alone.

      I've done a lot of unwholesome things in my life, but I don't blame myself or others. It's impossible not to have done anything unwholesome. I am trying to practise dhamma and I'm happy about that.

      I like discipline. So when people don't do things right, I have to tell them off.

      So I want to get a clear idea about how to relate to people. I don't like people thinking of me as a certain kind of person which I am not, but that's inevitable. Everybody in the world is misunderstood. And I would still be upset if they understood me correctly.

      As long as I am clear about my motives, it's OK.

      I agree with you about how a stupid person can get a position in an organisation. I have enough of that sort of experience with stupid people. I can understand people better but I don't want to argue with a stupid person, especially with a stupid person who thinks he/she is smarter. I am becoming more detached from people and organisations. I don't think much about helping; people use people for their own self-aggrandisement in the name of helping.

      "Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process they do not themselves become monsters." (Nietzsche)

      So much of what I do is to show the world (people) that I'm not a fool (not a sucker).

      I am changing so fast that sometimes it is hard for me to tell what my attitude will be next year. I find my teachers and friends sitting where they were (where they have always been). I can talk with them only about unimportant matters like health, the weather, and the government. For them the whole of truth has been revealed in books; for me everything is questionable. I have found a lot of ideals unrealistic. What am I going to teach?

      The change in me is still going on; I don't want to interfere with that. One disillusionment after another. Maybe that's learning - waking up from a beautiful dream into harsh reality.

      My values have changed so much that I find it difficult to talk with people. I want to become clearer about my attitude.

      Are you afraid of change? I hope not. If you are afraid of change, you can't stay a friend of mine.

      We want to be something more and different. Why? Is it because what we are is not good enough, or acceptable? Is it because of ego or pride?

      One person says, 'I would like to become enlightened!' Another person says, 'I would like to understand what is greed, anger, pride, doubt, etc.' Which is the proper attitude?

      Most people don't have any direction in their life, because they look for a direction outside, in the Bible, in the sacred books of the East, in philosophy or in science. Any direction a person gets from an outside source is not a true direction; it is just a whimsical direction, a direction in the dark. But outer sources can give a hint to a person to find inner direction. Without having this inner direction a person is lost.

      Only a person who is in despair about the meaninglessness, blindness, and lack of direction can have a chance of finding a direction. To be able to despair about the situation one is in, a person needs a lot of intelligence and observation. (The state of mind of Siddhattha before he set out to become the Buddha.)

      Some people are just looking for a difference, a change. They grab at anything.

      People like to be deceived. It is hard to make them let go of a false idea they are clinging to. They get really upset when you say something that threatens their pet ideas (dreams, fantasies, etc.).

      People like to believe in myth, I think. It is almost impossible to make them give up believing in it. They are like children. Without make-believe of one sort or another they feel lost; without it their lives become like a dry bone. So if you want to take myth away from them, you have to give them something else to take its place.

      Intellectual honesty is very rare. When teachers talk they talk as if they know for sure, even though they have no experience about what they are talking about. They never express their doubts. Don't they have any doubts? Is that possible?

      I want to live in broad daylight, not in a dream.

      When I live by myself, not talking much, I live in a different world. I would call it a spiritual world, but when I talk too much with people, about all sorts of worldly matters, I feel like I've been pulled down into the sensual, material, crazy, superficial world, compelled to listen, respond, and to participate in the conversation.

      Somebody (I forgot who it was) once told me that some people wear a lot of jewelry and gold ornaments because they are themselves worthless; they only feel worthy when they have these ornaments on. Some people own colourful stones and glittering metals; some have big numbers in the bank; some are temporarily appointed as ministers and presidents (and look how puffed up these people are). If you don't call that craziness, I don't know what craziness is! Are there any other ways by which people make themselves feel worthy (or show others that they are worthy), like, for example, wearing robes as monks and nuns?

      I remember A. used to say, "So much pain in the world". I would like to add further: So much nonsense in the world!

      No matter how much you try not to get into this nonsense drama, you are compelled to take part in it. Have you been in such a fix?

      You need a lot of mindfulness not to get 'sucked in' in a conversation. I would like to be more quiet. It would be better for my own peace of mind.

      If you can remove nonsense, assumptions, and lies from conversations, you won't have much to talk about. I'm getting very tired of assumptions, too many assumptions make life unreal. Assumed people doing assumed actions in an assumed situation, living an assumed life.

      Beware of those who attach great value to being credited with moral tact and subtlety in making moral distinctions. They never forgive us once they have made a mistake in front of us (or worse, against us); inevitably they become our instinctive slanderers and detractors, even if they should remain our friends. (Nietzsche)

      How true. What psychological insight.

      I'm afraid I'm becoming more and more radical; I might have to take the road least trodden, where I might be alone; I might have to let go of a lot of my friends' hands.

      I've met a few of my friends (some monks, some lay people), it's hard for me to talk to them because of my unconventionality. I'm trying to understand and adapt to that. I'll make new friends, and lose a few old ones. People are afraid of radical people, I think, and of change. They find security in old, familiar ideas; new ideas are threatening - people who change their minds are unreliable.

      I see a lot of contradictions in the way some people teach and the way they live their lives. Why is there contradiction? This is a big and very interesting question for me.

      I have so much time - no need to work for a living; no family to support; not enjoying sensual pleasures, which take so much time; not many people to talk to (I talk about an hour or two a day); practically nothing to worry about and no responsibilities. Since I have so much time, I think a lot about life and its meaning; since I have no other serious matter to think about, it becomes a very serious matter to me. What do I really want? Why?

      The things that make me feel desperate are meaningless and childish for some people. Because I have nothing to worry about my livelihood, I think very seriously about things that are beyond most people's concern.

      Since I don't believe in any dogmatism, I look for my own answer freely.

      My point is, sometimes I am really in despair. Sometimes I feel really burnt out. Then I get down to the basics and simple things, and try to look at life afresh without any preconceived value judgment. In those detached, peaceful, clear moments, nothing seems to be very important. Only a few fundamental truths appear very clearly, such as anicca (impermanence), anatta (egolessness), craving (desire, attachment, clinging), and dukkha suffering (unsatisfactoriness, pain - mental and physical), lobha (greed), dosa (aversion), and moha (delusion). The worst is delusion. Not having the opportunity to observe is too bad - too many distractions in life.

      "... how a man must have suffered to be so much in need of playing the clown!" Is this true, my dear friend? You must know. That was what Nietzsche said regarding Shakespeare.

      If I really speak my mind, I will end up in trouble. It's not easy to be honest. I want to be more honest and open but I don't want to get into trouble. I have to learn to be quiet, or otherwise become a hermit.

      In this super busy, supersonic, super distraction, superficial world - is there any hope for the majority of mankind to be sane?

      People are becoming like manufactured clothes - stereotyped, cheap, short-lasting style with no personal uniqueness. I like things (clothes) that are specially custom-fitted, with taste and quality (yes, that's very important), and which are long-lasting.

      I have read about satellites in a science book: some satellites go around the Earth with increasing radius; they go farther and farther as they go around the Earth, and at a certain point when they cannot go around the earth anymore, they go off, away from the Earth, breaking away from the gravitational force. I feel like that satellite. I feel this very often and very strongly.

      Sometimes I don't feel like talking much. People talk mostly to kill time, not because they have anything special to communicate. Then there is the danger of misunderstanding when you try to communicate something that you feel deeply. You are laughed at. Understanding is a very precious and rare phenomenon.

      Just as a physician might say that there very likely is not one single living human being who is completely healthy, so anyone who really knows mankind might say that there is not one single living human being who does not despair a little, who does not secretly harbour an unrest, an inner strife, a disharmony, an anxiety about an unknown something or a something he does not even dare to try to know, an anxiety about some possibility in existence or an anxiety about himself, so that, just as the physician speaks of going around with an illness in the body, he walks around with a sickness, carries around a sickness of the spirit that signals its presence at rare intervals in and through an anxiety he cannot explain. (Kierkegaard)

      The Buddha said: "I can see that some people are healthy in body for one day, two days… one year, two years. But if anybody says that he is healthy in mind even for a short while what can he be except being a fool? (Defilements are diseases)

      " So, who are you, my dear friend? Are you healthy in mind or are you a fool? (Catch 22). If you say that you are healthy in mind, then you are a fool!

      Kierkegaard again: "It is always good to be distinguished by something. I ask nothing better than to be pointed out as the only one in our serious age who is not serious." How do you like that? You want to die while laughing, don't you?

      I would like to write you a few quotations from An End to Innocence. Here is one of them:

      There is another breed of pseudo-innocent whose attention is directed mainly toward the maintaining of a saintly self-image. As a strategy for living, saintliness may have its own implicitly exploitative expectations of how others are to respond to one's purity. Still, the main concern is with continuing reassurance of one's own angelic innocence. I find that such people always turn out to be too good to be true.

      I've been thinking about this one for quite a long time. Here's another one: "super good intentions often result in super bad actions." What do you think about that? "Unhappy at the outcome of their folly, some of the neurotic too-good-to-be-true innocents end up seeking psychotherapy." Now, here comes my observation: Mostly, those who cannot help themselves talk a lot about helping others; maybe because they need it. Help people to help themselves, so that they won't need your help anymore.

      People don't understand what real spirituality is. They mistake spirituality with faith, blind faith - I am for spiritual freedom.

      A person who thinks that helping others (distributing dhamma) and serving mankind (or saving mankind) is the most important thing to do with their life doesn't know what is really important and profound. The most important thing an intelligent person can do is to live their life truthfully, earnestly, intensely, and strive for a deeper understanding of their true nature. Helping should be secondary.

      One thing is becoming clear to me: Unconsciously I've been looking for a way of life, which is acceptable to any intelligent person and reasonable from every point of view as well as practicable and useful for everybody. I've been too concerned about, or I have too much respect for, other people's way of understanding and thinking. Now I understand that that is not important; I don't have to explain everything I do.

      Even before, I used to do what I wanted, but I tried to explain it in a way that looked reasonable to other people. Now I see that my private life is of no concern to others. I live (and will live) my life so that it is satisfying to me, and not according to what other people think I should do.

      I don't want to deal with any organisation anymore. Too much talking, petty fights, rivalry and slander; I would like to be beyond all these. I'm sure I'm not an organisation person. I don't want to be one anyway, but I will try my best to help anybody who comes my way.

      I have a habit of identifying myself with humanity; everything which is a problem to mankind is my concern. I don't know whether this is good or not, but I have learnt a lot that way. Now, I see what a big burden this is. Why should I try to solve all problems? (Mentally, I have the habit of solving problems.) Who am I to solve all problems? I cannot solve another's problem; I've got enough of my own. Some people think I don't have any problems. Yes, not their kind of problems, but I've got my own kind of problems nonetheless. Desperately I try to find the answers to my kind of questions, questions that most people don't think about. Answers that satisfy most people are not satisfactory to me. For most people, all the answers to all the questions are in books, but not for me.

      A castle built with cardboards, blown away.

      Very hard to let go of dreams. (Sayadaw U Jotika)

      Petty problems keep the mind busy (occupied).

      I've got a lot of things that most people want. Every time I tried to get something, I thought it would make my life more meaningful, but when I got what I wanted I found that it was only superficial, just another stepping stone, another thing to let go of. There is a kind of awakening in every letting go, until nothing is left to let go of.

      What I've done and what I'm doing seem very important to me, but it doesn't seem to be of any importance to anybody else. After I'm dead, I'll be forgotten. No big deal. The most important thing for me is to live a deeply satisfying and meaningful life, meaningful for me.

      Praise and blame are not so important for me, mostly they are biased.

      A lot of things are now losing their importance, their hold, their grip, their charm on me, for example, politics, progress in science and technology, and even religion.

      It is amazing what people believe in. It seems to me that people cannot live without believing in something. I wonder what it would be like to live my life without any kind of belief or expectation (aspiration). Can you imagine that?

      Busy, busy, busy. Unnecessarily. So crazy, so meaningless. Is there intelligent life on Earth? What is intelligence?

      What a waste it is not to do what is really meaningful to you and do what people expect you to do. Do you know what is really meaningful and deeply satisfying to you?

      To be happy is not enough for me. I want to understand everything deeply, to understand not just by thinking but by living, living the real life and not the ideal.

      Although I conform (I have to) bodily, in many ways, with the established tradition, mentally I live a unique life.

      This smart commentator in the mind is a nuisance (a thorn in the flesh); it has to put a footnote to every phenomenon.

      What do you want people to learn? What do you want them to be? How are you going to do that?

      But, how are you living your life?

      I am reading Kierkegaard's Concluding Unscientific Postscript. I'm enjoying reading it which is surprising. I like his style very much. I've got another of his books Sickness unto Death, which I have read through quickly. I will read it again. Do you know any good books on existential philosophy?

      I would like to quote a passage from Concluding Unscientific Postscript:

      Let us then proceed, but let us not try to deceive one another. I, Johannes Chimacus (he used this assumed pen-name when he wrote this book), am a human being, neither more nor less; and I assume that anyone I may have the honour to engage in conversation with, is also a human being. If he presumes to be speculative philosophy in the abstract, pure speculative thought, I must renounce the effort to speak with him; for in that case he instantly vanishes from my sight, and from the feeble sight of every mortal. (Kierkegaard)

      Very well expressed! Exactly the way I feel about myself and other people. I am a human being, neither more nor less; not just a monk, and I like to engage in conversation with a human being.

      When I talk to somebody who is acting a role (either of a monk or a teacher, or a guru, or any kind of role), I feel very discombobulated. (Ha! Ha! I found a big word in the Synonym Finder [means: thrown into confusion].)

      To call yourself something, a monk or a guru or a philosopher, is very limiting, confining, restricting, binding.

      "Of all evil I deem you capable: therefore I want the good from you." (Nietzsche)

      People want to daydream; they don't want mindfulness, mindfulness of the present, because in the present there is nothing one can daydream about.

      To see my mind through and through, and not to deceive myself is now the most important task for me. When I don't believe in something, it is very important for me to see clearly that I don't believe in it instead of trying to believe it.

      I wish I had some humour like Mark Twain, or at least like you. A man cannot survive (cannot protect himself from going nuts) without it. I'm too serious about mankind. Can human beings think straight?

      I'll tell you a story. Yesterday, a monk came to see me. He's thirty-nine years old. I've known him for a long time. He told me that he aspired to become a Buddha. Not only that but he said he's sure that he's going to become a Buddha. When I didn't take him seriously and said, "Nobody can be sure about that", he got very upset and talked for another two hours trying to make me believe him. He went around and told everybody he's going to be a Buddha. That sort of megalomaniac is not rare in Burma. Ha! Ha! Better to laugh than to get upset. It's hard for me to float along. I wish I could say, like T.P.S., "Is that right?

      " Since a lot of things are losing their importance for me, things that nobody can find out for sure whether they are true or not, I've found that I've less and less things to talk about. The things that I'm experiencing at present become more and more important for me. Without trying to attain anything, I am able to see things very simply and clearly. I feel more strongly now about the things happening to me.

      The present phenomenon is the only thing I have, whether I like it or not; so it is more important for me. Without much diversion, I can observe things easily.

      "One must shed the bad taste of wanting to agree with many." (Nietzsche)

      I think a person's (my) most important task is to understand themself (myself) well; to understand everything happening in life deeply and not just philosophically; to understand my own motive and attitude very clearly when I say something or do something; to understand without distortion how I feel about something I've heard, seen, etc. (the true reaction of my mind); not to be deceived by anybody, or to deceive myself; not to follow anybody; not to have an ideal just because it sounds beautiful, but to find out for myself whether it is natural, possible, and about the consequences; and to know my own capacity when I undertake to do something. When I understand all those things clearly then I can think of helping others. Otherwise I will be deceiving myself and also deceiving others in the name of helping others. Helping others can become self-aggrandisement. I see this self-aggrandisement everywhere. That is why I talk about it again. Excuse me for repeating myself.

      "A matter that becomes clear ceases to concern us." Guess who said that? (Nietzsche)

      I'll tell you a story about a snake. Once upon a time there was a snake. One day a bee came and stung him on his head and would not let go of it. The snake tried to get rid of the bee but couldn't. Then the snake saw a bullock cart coming with a heavy load. So the snake said to the bee, "I'll let you know." He went to the track and laid his head right on the way of the wheel. The wheel rolled and killed the bee. The snake was really successful in punishing the bee. See how smart the snake was? No shortage of smart people like that in the world.

      People don't change radically. Transformation is possible only through meditation. Even then, it takes a long time. Deep awareness which sees anatta (selflessness) clearly is necessary, and that is hard work. So I don't expect too much.

      What you wrote about Bangkok is really shocking. Will Burma (Rangoon) become like that one day? That is the price you pay to become modernised. I would rather live in the mountains, eat simple food, live in a simple hut, breathe pure air, do things at a leisurely pace, not worry about money and status, with no week-days or weekends, and no luxury.

      We want so much admiration, recognition, respect and love that we think quite a lot about what to do to get them. That way we don't live for what we value most but for what others value most. It is very important to find out what we value most and live it without being in conflict with others if possible. We create values and live them. So it is very important to find out whether those values are really worth living for.

      Some people think it must be like devaloka (a heavenly realm) to live in B. where you can enjoy all the sense pleasures and where you can get all the luxuries. How hard it is to understand that sense pleasures and luxuries are empty like dreams.

      I want to have a friend who is not rigidly, blindly and indiscriminately following a set of rules or formulas; who is observant; who lives his life intelligently; who learns and grows as the years go by; who is flexible (who understands a situation and acts accordingly); who wants to find out for himself even the most simple truth (taught by the wisest man in history); who won't take anything for granted (but with due respect), but tries instead to find out for himself; a man who is alive and not lukewarm, who is not afraid to stand alone.

      What a funny thing fame is - how empty and annoying.

      When I hear from some friends what people say about me, I don't know whether to laugh or to get upset. What crazy, funny stories people invent. People are stupid and crazy; there is no doubt about that. They want to be deceived, yet they deceive themselves. I know they are basically really nice, simple folks; they don't want to believe the truth, and they are too ready to believe fantastic stories. Why are people so ready to believe fantastic stories? What do they gain by doing so?

      I enjoyed reading The Illusion of Technique. The Buddha said, 'Ma naya hetu," which means 'Don't believe something (idea) to be true just because it agrees with the system (of philosophy)'. Technique or system is deceiving; techniques and systems are inventions of the human mind. Nature doesn't fit into any system strictly. Even the Abhidhamma [see glossary] cannot really explain natural phenomena completely; it is lacking in many ways. I read them, try to understand them, test them and learn something from them, I know you are disappointed with Western philosophy, and I am not satisfied with it either, but I think I can learn something from them. Most of the existential philosophy is very depressing. They tell you how terrible life is but they can't tell you how to live your life peacefully. Most of the philosophers are all head, muddle-headed. All they do is thinking; they aren't even happy, and many of them went crazy. Most people don't think so much, don't read philosophy, and they're happier than most philosophers. The more I read these philosophies, the more I appreciate the teachings of the Buddha, which are so practical and meaningful.

      Metta (loving-kindness), karuna (compassion), mudita (sympathetic joy) and upekkha (equanimity), sila (morality), samadhi (concentration), sati (mindfulness) and panna (wisdom) - these things are really meaningful and important in life, and if one develops them, they can really make a difference in one's life.

      In many ways and for many people, philosophy and science helps a lot to free the mind from dogmatism. That's the best thing about them but they also create a vacuum in people's mind; people are left empty, disillusioned and lost, but can we really blame philosophy and science for that? Philosophy and science helped me to free my mind from believing in my parents' religion yet that left me in limbo also. Now it is my responsibility to give meaning to my life.

      Reading existential philosophy helps me, in some ways, to understand Westerners and their problems, their way of thinking and what is lacking in their thinking, and how they are trying to solve their problems. Can the teaching of the Buddha help them? How?

      Understanding others is important in understanding oneself.

      This world is crazy, absolutely senseless, a fake, a show, a conceited show. Fools get caught in its snare. Vain glory. False possessions.

      People said, "You are a beautiful person,

      Wise and happy." I wish that were true.

      "So much of my Dhamma connection has fizzled, partly because of my laxness, partly because I've become so disillusioned with the usual forms and institutions." I can understand that very well, my dear friend. My situation is not much different. It is very hard to talk to monks, my former teachers and friends who are monks. I try to understand them and also myself. Metta and karuna I have for them but no deep mutual understanding. There is a big gap between us, and I have no hope of finding a monk with whom I can share my deepest thoughts and feelings and insights. It seems to me that the more you know, the more lonely you become intellectually.

      Well, anyway, I am not so upset about that anymore although I still yearn for an open communication, free from being judged. I am trying to learn to live with that loneliness; I have to. I feel like I am a star, a million light years away from another star! I think everybody is desperately lonely. Some are more sensitive and so they feel it more.

      I feel very free in my mind though, with only wholesome and unwholesome thoughts as my guideline. Unwholesome thoughts are painful and are also causes for pain, whereas wholesome thoughts are peaceful.

      "... there's no vehicle left." Do we need any vehicle? I think if we practice mindfulness in its completeness (not leaving out any part of our life), it should be enough.

      I want to live mentally free. I might never accomplish anything significant 'in the eyes of others', but I feel OK about that. Internally, however, I feel a kind of freedom which I did not feel before and which most people don't know of. By this I don't mean any stage of enlightenment in its formal sense.

      My dear friend, you can live a peaceful life if you are clear and wise. Why are you so concerned about others? Do you think you are responsible for them?

      It is not worth being unhappy about anything. I don't mean I am always happy, but I can see that when there is a big ego identified with something there is also unhappiness.

      Your words again: "I guess what I'm saying is that I have yet to resolve, within my own mind, the Big Question of what kind of balanced form the practice of the Dhamma can take here in the West, being both true to genuine practice and at the same time meet the strange material needs of this culture." This is a Big Question. Answer this question for yourself first.

      I think the first and most important thing a person should clearly see in their practice is to see the truth that unwholesome thoughts make a person unhappy. It's not about trying to overcome them, but just to see them plainly and clearly.

      What do people want? They want happiness and they don't want pain. So see what makes you unhappy. People don't see that it's the unwholesome thoughts which make them unhappy; it's hard for most people to accept that. They think that sensual pleasures and all the things they want can make them happy. If you are happy inside you don't need much to be happy.

      "Except for the ascetic ideal, man's life has been animalic and meaningless." (Nietzsche)

      "The most spiritual men are the strongest ones." (Nietzsche)

      "Even a single compromise with the tastes of public opinion might lead a thinker eventually to lose his intellectual integrity." (Nietzsche)

      "Great power reveals itself in great self-mastery." (Nietzsche)

      For everyone who does not know

      How to control his inmost self would fain control

      His neighbour's will according to his own conceit. (Goethe)

      What is your most beautiful fantasy?

      Ah! Beautiful dreams! They made me happy; they nourished me; they were useful when I was young. Now I know they are only dreams. Sometimes I wish I can become dreamy again. Such ignorant bliss! But no that's not possible. I have to climb this mountain, alone, in the bright noon. I long for a companion but, alas, I couldn't get one. I must make my mind and body stronger so that I might be able to climb to the top alone.

      I know what loneliness means. I'm preparing myself for that. That is my destiny. Sweet, sweet loneliness.

      My dearest friend, get deeply in touch with yourself.

      I am less and less inclined to teach, but I'm still interested in talking to intelligent, open-minded people, not to orthodox Buddhists who believe everything in the texts. Worst of all I can't listen to somebody who talks like a preacher, as if he knows everything.

      If you write your story then I'll read it. A person who is a battleground of conflicting ideals; a Jewish-American Buddhist; a person who knows too much and doesn't know what to do with his life; a person who sees the farce (joke) in the world and can't take anything seriously, including himself, which has become a serious problem for him. (This is true for me too, but I am much more aware of my mind.)

      "Instead of appreciating your kindness, they think you are cheap, stupid and for use and they start to manipulate. Why?" That's because they have no respect for other people. They have not learnt to have a good relationship with people. Maybe they were never treated with respect. We learn these things from our experience, not from books, maybe they've lived with people, parents, spouse who manipulate each other.

      It is very hard to find someone who doesn't manipulate others. We manipulate others because we don't trust or respect them, and we don't trust ourselves either. If we respect and trust each other we won't manipulate each other. Manipulation is a sign of weakness and immaturity.

      Life is mystical.

      Those who cannot feel it will find no joy or wonder.

      Those who try to explain away life are vain.

      They will never succeed.

      I'd rather be a mystic than a scientist.

      Some mystics are also scientists. (Sayadaw U Jotika)

      Deception (self-deception) never leads to growth or insight. If you want to see the truth you need courage and honesty first.

      We are part angel and part demon. If we deny the demon it will haunt us from the dark; let the demon come out into the daylight.

      Make-believe, maya (illusion), and autosuggestion make life even more empty.

      There are all kinds of dependence which in our society - having so many anxious, lonely and empty persons in it - masquerade as love. They vary from different forms of mutual aid or reciprocal satisfaction of desires (which may be quite sound if called by their right names), through the various business forms of personal relationships to clear parasitical masochism. It not infrequently happens that two persons, feeling solitary and empty by themselves, relate to each other in a kind of unspoken bargain to keep each other from suffering loneliness. (Rollo May)

      "The tragic issue is the issue of seeing the reality and the truth about oneself.

      " For those who get distracted easily, it is better to keep their mind busy noting one thing after another; for those who are calm and mindful, they can just watch whatever comes naturally.

      "When you are thwarted, it is your own attitude that is out of order." (Meister Eckhart)

      If you have nothing to live for it means you value nothing in life, you have no centre. All the ideals you valued were borrowed. In a time like right now, you have no firm ground to stand on.

      "... one can never apply some centre from the outside."

      "Difficult as the task is, we must accept ourselves and our society where we are, and find our ethical centre through a deeper understanding of ourselves as well as through a courageous confronting of our historical situation."

      "And the most constructive place to begin learning how to love is to see how we fail to love." (Rollo May) To forgive is to understand. To forgive is to be free. When you cannot forgive somebody you are in bondage. When you see anatta who is there to forgive. (Sayadaw U Jotika) Here are a few extracts which I find very thought-provoking: "Now it is a well-known psychological tendency that when we repress one attitude or emotion, we often counterbalance it by acting or assuming an attitude on the surface which is just the opposite. You may, for example, often find yourself acting especially politely toward the person you dislike."

      "Furthermore, if we do not confront our hatred and resentment openly they will tend sooner or later to turn into the one effect which never does anyone any good, namely self pity. Self-pity is the preserved form of hatred and resentment."

      "... no one can arrive at real love or morality or freedom until he has frankly confronted and worked through his resentment."

      "Freedom is not rebellion."

      "Freedom means openness, a readiness to grow; it means being flexible, ready to change for the sake of greater human values."

      "... man always live in a social world, and that world conditions his psychological health."

      "The good society is, thus, the one which give the greatest freedom to its people - freedom defined not negatively and defensively, but positively, as the opportunity to realise ever greater human values."

      "Freedom is man's capacity to take a hand in his own development. It is our capacity to mould ourselves."

      "... the less self-awareness a person has, the more he is unfree."

      More awareness means more choice and therefore more freedom.

      "Freedom is shown in according one's life with realities."

      "It is doubtful whether anyone really achieves health who does not responsibly choose to be healthy."

      "Thus freedom is not just the matter of saying 'Yes' or 'No' to a specific decision: it is the power to mould and create ourselves."

      "Freedom does not mean trying to live in isolation. It does mean that when one is able to confront his isolation, he is able consciously to choose to act with some responsibility, in the structure of his relations with the world, especially the world of other persons around him."

      "One must make his basic choices himself.

      "The mark of the mature man is that his living is integrated around self-chosen goals: he knows what he wants."

      "... the beliefs and traditions handed down in the society tend to become crystallised into dead forms which suppress individual vitality."

      "The real problem, thus, is to distinguish what is healthy in ethics and religion, and yields a security which increases rather than decreases personal worth, responsibility and freedom. The person in our day, therefore, who seeks values around which he can integrate his living, needs to face the fact that there is no easy and simple way out."

      "... more accurately, is it not the conflict between every human being's need to struggle toward enlarged self awareness, maturity, freedom and responsibility, and his tendency to remain a child and cling to the protection of parents or parental substitute?" (The message is: Grow up!)

      "Does a given individual's religion serve to break his will, keep him at an infantile level of development, and enable him to avoid the anxiety of freedom and personal responsibility? Or does it serve him as a basis of meaning which affirms his dignity and worth, which gives him a basis for courageous acceptance of his limitations and normal anxiety, but which aids him develop his powers, his responsibility and his capacity to love his fellow men?" (Rollo May)

      "The problem of being prey to someone else's power is reinforced, of course, by one's own infantile desire to be taken care of."

      "They have been taught that happiness and success would follow their 'being good', the latter generally interpreted as being obedient. But being merely obedient, as we have shown above, undermines the development of an individual's ethical awareness and inner strength. By being obedient to external requirements over a long period of time, he loses his real powers of ethical, responsible choice. Strange as it sounds, then, the powers of these people to achieve goodness and the joy which goes with it are diminished."

      "... the person who surrenders his ethical autonomy has relinquished to the same degree his power to attain virtue and happiness. No wonder he feels resentful."

      "The neurotic uses of religion have one thing in common: they are devices by which the individual avoids having to face his loneliness and anxiety."

      "... the human being is in the depth of himself basically alone, there is no recourse from the necessity of making one's choice ultimately alone."

      "... despair and anxiety can never be worked through until one confronts them in their stark and full reality."

      "Maturity and eventual overcoming of loneliness are possible only as one courageously accepts his aloneness to begin with."

      "What anxiety makes me now wish to run to the wings of an authority, and what problem of my own am I trying to evade?"

      "We define religion as the assumption that life has meaning."

      "Religion is whatever the individual takes to be his ultimate concern."

      "... psychologically, religion is to be understood as a way of relating to one's existence."

      "But we do mean to emphasise that unless the individual himself can affirm the value; unless his own inner motive, his own ethical awareness, are made the starting place, no discussion of values will make much real difference."

      "Love demanded as a payment is not love at all."

      "We receive love not in proportion to our demands or sacrifices or needs, but roughly in proportion to our own capacity to love. And our capacity to love depends, in turn, upon our prior capacity to be persons in our own right."

      "The reason we do not see truth is that we do not have enough courage."

      "When one has been able to say 'No' to the need that he be 'borne up', when, in other words, he is able not to demand he be taken care of, when he has the courage to stand alone, he can then speak as one with authority."

      "The more a person is able to direct his life consciously, the more he can use time for constructive benefits. To be able to see truth thus goes along with emotional and ethical maturity. When one is able to see truth in this way, he gains confidence in what he says. He has become convinced of his beliefs 'on his own pulse' and in his own experience, rather than through abstract principles or through being told."

      "The more a person lacks self awareness, the more he is prey to anxiety and irrational anger and resentment: and while anger generally blocks us from using our more subtle intuitive means of seeing truth, anxiety always blocks us."

      "I have been a learner all my life, but I make truth, which is universal, my own from within, through the exercise of my freedom, and my knowledge of truth is my own relation to truth." "To be capable of giving and receiving mature love is as sound a criterion as we have for the fulfilled personality."

      "... the most important thing at the outset is to call our emotions by their right names. And the most constructive place to begin learning how to love is to see how we fail to love."

      "But when 'love' is engaged in for the purpose of vanquishing loneliness, it accomplishes its purpose only at the price of increased emptiness for both persons."

      "Love, as we have said, is generally confused with dependence: but in point of fact, you can love only in proportion to your capacity for independence."

      [Most of these quotations have come from Man's Search for Himself by Rollo May or Freedom to Learn by Carl Rogers]

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Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

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