Witnesses,
onlookers and gossip mongerers were scared out of their tiny minds
by such a gross and horrific attack so close to their beloved little
village.
"I can't believe this sort of thing is allowed,"
commented Elsie Hammers, a local pensioner. "There
ought to be a law against it or at least display some sort of sign
to warn drivers of possible shark attacks."
A
local MP issued a statement: "I'd love to be able to
say this is a freak occurance but it seems this is only the beggining
of such attacks." When asked what the public can do
to defend themsleves the MP replied: "They should be
cautious when entering a flooded area and if possible carry fire
arms to ward off attacks. But if you want my advice move to higher
ground and wait for the ice-caps to melt before the real monsters
come for us."
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The
chaos caused by the statement in New Woods Meadow village hall resulted
in a full scale riot and calmed only when Village Councillor James
Mayfeild offered up £5,000 for the arrest or annihilation
of the killer fish. Jasper "Catcher King" Rimpton,
a local fisherman, disrupted the procedings slightly by making an
announcement of his own. "You're all mad! This ain't
no fish it's a f***ing Great White shark! This ain't like danglin'
a f***ing rod in the local river you know! You're gonna be swallowed
'ole by this monster! You got as much chance as an icicle in hell!
You're all f***ing doomed I tell you! Doomed!"
Military intervention halted the rioting from escalating away from
the disaster area. A 5 mile exclusion zone has been imposed around
the village perimeter resulting in a complete media blackout. Since
9 p.m GMT yesterday there has been no word from the inside, apart
from explosions and garbled short wave radio chatter from locals
about shark sightings we can only assume the entire neighbourhood
has lost its collective marbles.
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Stories
about Kentucky Fried Chicken using reconstituted chicken, cat and
other house hold pets to save cash can now finally be quashed with
this amazing (and very scary) new evidence!
Over the years
KFC have often been the target of many jokes regarding their product,
many have heard rumors of Cyst Burgers, Spicy Pigeon Wings and such
like but this week several members of the public have discovered
deep fried chicken heads in their Bucket O Chicken Meal Deals!
After the initial shock and repulsion the conclusion was maybe KFC
were running a secret competition - find a chicken head and win
a prize. This widely circulated rumor was terminated by a KFC spokesperson
who told Fake news that: "We were fed up with the moronic
public poking fun at our quality food so we decided to prove once
and for all that we use nothing but the best A Grade chicken."
Despite facing several lawsuits from distraught customers, KFC remain
confident that their approach to ending all the jokes is justified.
A lawyer working on behalf of several KFC victims told us: "My
clients have been caused unnecessary distress and will be prosecuting
KFC, but are willing to settle out of court providing KFC issue
them with a years supply of Meal Deals."
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| report
by Nigel Loser |
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