humour and mirth by Vera G. Ross click to read Veras Bio

Flatulence Man!
A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night.
He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated: "Honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE!"

A Small Journey Through Hell
A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil offers to personally escort the man around so he can choose the section of hell he would like to be in. The first section has everybody being burned constantly and getting a glass of water every 7 hours. The second section has everybody working hard and getting a glass of water every three hours. The last section has everybody kneedeep in crap.
"Well, this doesn't look too bad -- and it beats being burned or working. I'll take the crap."
"Okay," says the devil. "Everybody back on their heads."

Cannibals
Two hungry cannibals are walking through the forest when they see a man who had recently passed away.
One cannibal says, "Look at this! You start at the feet and I'll start at the head and we'll meet in the middle."
So the two cannibals start eating.
Aftera half an hour one stops eating, looks up, and says, "I don't know about you, but this is great! How are you doing?"
The other cannibal answers, "This is great! I'm havin' a ball!"
The other cannibal says, "Hey, no fair! You're eating too fast!"

Car Crash
A man and his girlfriend are driving down the highway. The man asks: "If I drive 100 mph, will you take off your clothes?" and she agrees. So the man drives 100 mph and his girlfriend strips. The man is so busy looking at his girlfriend that he crashes into a tree. The car flips over, trapping the man and all of his girlfriend's clothes. All that is free of the car is the man's girlfriend and one of his shoes.
The man yells: "You have to go get help. Go to that gas station over there."
His girlfriend says: "Are you kidding me? I'm naked."
"Well," replies the man "Take my shoe over there, cover up yourself, and go get help."
So the woman covers herself with the shoe and goes to the gas station. She says to an attendant: "You have to help me. My boyfriend's trapped!"
"I'm sorry ma'am" the attendant replies, "he's too far in."
Celebrity Computer Viruses
Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
Bill Clinton virus: Won't let you query the system for information.
Al Gore virus: Runs quietly in background mode but doesn't appear to really do much of anything.
Saddam Hussein virus: Won't let you into any of your programs.
X-files virus: All your Icons start shape shifting.
Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
AT&T virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9.15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
1:00 Shopping with friends.
3:00 Nap.
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
10:00 Hot shower. Alone.
10:30 Make love.
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.
6:00 Alarm.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 massive dump while reading sports section.
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 Private Ultra Mega Supersonic Jet to Virgin Islands.
9:45 Play front 9 at golf course, finish 2 under par.
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Blowjob.
12:30 Play back 9 at golf course, finish 4 under par.
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay Martinis.
2:30 Private Ultra Mega Supersonic Jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
3:15 Late afternoon shark fishing excursion with topless female crew.
4:30 Catch England beat Germany 12 nil in World Cup Final on TV.
5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massaged from naked supermodel.
7:00 Watch BBC News24. Bush resigns, Blair died in sleep.
7:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20oz steak.
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45 Go to bed.
11:50 Let lose a 20 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
11:55 Blowjob.
12:20 Laugh yourself to sleep.