Editors Letters & Replies by Dan "Editor" Bucket
Do you want some? Give it your best shot and email me: danbucket@hotmail.com
This is my bit. Great (not). When I started work at Fake News it never occured to me I'd be shoved behind the Editors Desk, I wanted to sweep the floors and clean out the ash trays. I now have to sort through the piles of trash you lot keep sending in asking about stuff. It's so boring that sometimes I leave my office and spend a few hours sweeping up shit the staff drop on the floor and licking the ash trays clean. Most of the time I haven't got a clue what I'm doing, although I don't feel left out because the same goes for the entire staff here at Fake News. Buzz words like Think Outside the Box, Read From The Same Page, Imagineer New Ideas and Get Pro-active mean nothing to us. Someone once told me they'd lost the plot, but no one told me there was one to start with! Well, let's get this months load of sad emails over and done with so I can go home and sort out my new bucket collection.
Dan Bucket.

Dear Dan,
What do think about Globalisation? Did any of the May day protests make any difference to the world? Do you think any government or business took the slightest bit of notice? If one person or group of people can't make an impact then how about media icons such as yourself getting involved? You could use the power of Fake News to put pressure on these massive businesses and make them think about what they're doing to the world.
Mark Howells

Editor Replies:
Assholes to the lot of em! I like big business - I think it's great. I like being able to buy my Nike trainers at low cost because some Philapino kid has been working his butt off for weeks getting paid 30pence a day. If you think for one second that huge companies are going to take any notice of a gang of morons rioting you better think again son. Media icon - me? Hah! Don't give me that crap! The only iconic thing about me is that little picture at the top of this page. I don't have any power other than the ability to squeeze myself into small spaces. The only thing Fake News can do is hold a debate or sort out a petition, something like that. If you want we can oblige for all the good it'll do. Let us know and we'll make your dreams come true - apart from the ones involving Olga Nekkid - she's mine!!!

Dear Editor,
Do you think you could be cheerful and happy for one minute? It wouldn't hurt to put a smile on once in a while, that is if we could see your face! Come on give us a smile, you never know you mite like it.
Sophia Patterson

Editor Replies:
Yeah well you don't work here do you? Do my job for 5minutes and you'll know exactly why I hide inside my nice, warm, safe bucket all day long. Don't give me that crap about liking it either - I tried smiling once and ended up married to Mrs Bucket - fat lot of use that did me!

Hey Editor,
You ever thought about a career in polotics? you tell it like it is man. no farting about. youd rock as a polotition cos you say whats on your mind and dont care about what people think. why dont you run for office or something?
J. Carter

Editor Replies:
Screw that mate! If I wanted to be a politican I would've gone into organized crime when I had the chance. You want to know why I don't care what people think? It all boils down to that obvious fact that I don't have a very nice personality, dead simple. It would be a Spin Doctors nightmare to try and market me, and if they want to try then bring em on, the bunch of freeloading, brainless criminals!

Dear Editor,
I found an interstin wurm in my mates garden with too heds. If i tuk a snap of it do you think you wuld put it on your site? It's very odd and i think it culd go in Bettys Mad news Page. My mate Normam sez your site is dead gud and he fancies Olga, he wants too no if she got any sexy pics of herself and wuld she put up on the site for him? Why do you lot hate Trevor, cos i think he's cool.
Peter Jenkins

Editor Replies:
Yeah Peter, whatever, you send in the picture of your mates worm. I'm sure I'll spend a few seconds looking at it before I give it Betty. Obviously you don't get out and about much do you? Your mate isn't the only one who fancies Olga but she's picky (well, kind of) so don't hold your breath there. I doubt if she'll put nude pics of herself on the net as anyone can steal them and she wouldn't want that. My advice to you is get a life, stop taking pictures of worms and drop your mate Norman. Next.

Hey Dan,
Your site sucks big time, I don't know why I even bother to write this but you NEED to know how bad it is! I've seen some crappy sites on my travels around the net but this one is the worst ever! You lot haven't got a clue have you? You should be reporting real news not making it all up! Jesus, what is the deal with that shark? It's not real, even the little village in the report is fake! Sad. Get your priorities right and try to make a difference in the world. Don't know what you think you're trying to acheive but it isn't working.
Roger Guank

Editor Replies:
Okay Roger, first off I really couldn't give a fetid rats ass what you think and neither does anyone else. This site might be crap, I'm sure the staff agree with you there, but at least we KNOW that fact! Even Trevor pointed it out last week that this site ranks on the All Time Crappy Web Site List. The problem you have is that you DO like this site otherwise you wouldn't have spent some time reading the reports. Obviously you've missed the point haven't you, you sad excuse for a life form. There's too much REAL news in the world, most of it about bad stuff, so the point here is to make some up, give people a smile and take them away from the real world for a while. Dur!

Dear Bucket Face,
who's the real boss at Fake News? who owns it? iwant to meet the guy and shake his hand! the guy is a genius and no mistake. i spent some time browsing around and laughed loads. people like roger guank need a personality transplant.this site rocks man, can't wait for next months issue!!!!!
Kevin

Editor Replies:
Cheers Kevin. Someone finally gets what we're doing here. The real force behind Fake News is a secret, top secret. We're allowed to use this site providing his name remains a secret. In fact we're not really sure who the real power behind it is, we just get on with our work and ignore everything else.

Hi Editor,
I also collect buckets and I'm intersted in meeting up with you for some horizontal dancing. What do you say? I have a rather nice Shark Grey Metal brass rimmed bucket with a steal handle, secret bottom compartment and green stripes. Can i tempt you?
sally hughes

Editor Replies:
Erm...no thanks, i got one of them last year.