reports by Betty M. Inger click to read Betty's Bio.
Mmmm Vend-O-Goat!
Vending machines have been around seemingly forever. Where would mankind be without those big metal machines that swallow up our cash and never delivers its sweet, sweet contents?

A new wave of vending machines have swarmed the country and Vend International, the company behind these useless machines promise to deliver a brand new variety of snacks to the pecks public. "Business may be slow initially," Rueben Ven Der Mahsheen told me, during our meeting in McDonalds. "But our products fit a niche market and it may take time for the public to welcome them just as they have done with every other vending machine. They will soon come to love them, oh yes!"

While I slurped on my sticky shake, Mr. Mahsheen told me eagerly that the public not only want their product but need it. I asked him why he hadn't been proclaimed insane by now, to which he grinned broadly and replied: "Sanity is a point of view, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! But seriously now, haven't you ever stood on a railway platform, waiting for your train and eyeing up the vending machines, secretly wishing there was a Chocolate Filled Stoat Assortments or a Crispy Hazelnut Coated Badger Machine sitting next to the other mundane offerings?"

My snack tastes are a private affair between me and the toilet but I shudder to think that one day I will bend down to retrieve my confectionery only to see someone pulling a goat through a slot in the machine next to mine. Quite why Vend International think the public need sudden instant access to a goat, stoat, sheep etc. isn't clear, although the men in white jackets who collected Mr. Mahsheen from McDonalds tell me he shouldn't have left the hospital 6 months ago.


Eventually cats will rule the world, according to Snuffles, the cat pictured here desperately trying to get the attention of his internet addicted owner!

Snuffles tells me that cats have long been fed up with humans not feeding them regularly. Quite how and why Snuffles has aquired the power of self-awareness and such intelligence is a mystery but we I do know that after reading the email Snuffles sent I spent several hours discussing the philosophy of life with my own cat Jester.

It seems that cats have been secretly meeting to discuss the downfall of mankind and the recognition of their superior intellect. "It's a question of ethics," Jester told me over a bowl of Kitecat. "We demand that our species be recognised. The problem is that you lot think this mush in a tin is acceptable. We will tolerate this no longer! If you want a war you'll get one, be prepared to lose big time!"
Homor Simpson today lost the court battle to stop his skull x-ray images from being made public.

Outside the Springfeild Courthouse he gave this statement. "I'm not a freak, I'm just a cartoon character. Why can't people leave me alone to live my life? Don't you think I've suffered enough knowing my own son has a bigger brain than me? It's only fair that...oooh a doughnut shop. Mmmm doughnuts!"
 
A street party in Bumsville, Idaho, was halted when the sound system broke. Local man S. Troker, stepped up to bring the party back online.

After removing his shirt he proceeded to tweak his nipples in a vain attempt to pick up a local radio broadcast. Before police arrested him Mr. Troker opened his mouth and treated the party goers to a weather broadcast from local station BVRS Radio, several adverts and the first 30 seconds of Right Said Freds I'm Too Sexy.