Questions, Questions:

Why hasn't DavesMadWorld Won the Lottery or been given Lottery funding?

This is a devious question to which we cannot give a complete answer for legal reasons. A suggested answer is that we haven't recieved any cash because God doesn't believe in The Lottery. This is a lack of foresight because He could probably get 10%, at least. DMW's theologian thinks that God could be a closet gambler, as He allowed Satan to move in next door to Adam and Eve.

What is a Church ?

A church is a club where people who believe in heaven, meet up.

What do they do ?

They pretend that they are in heaven, by being nice to each other. Sometimes things are not as nice when they get home after church.

What is a Theologian ?

He is a brainy bloke who works out theories, that he thinks are true. Theologians are usually only suitable for academic life.

What is a Pastor ?

A pastor is like a Vicar only he counts sheep. If he loses count he makes them all go round the circle again. If he loses count AND falls asleep, he will talk in a vague and rambling manner and make no sense at all. No-one will notice.

What is an Evangelist ?

An evangelist is like a Pastor, only he adds sheep. When he adds a sheep the Pastor loses count and has to start all over again at the beginning. This gets very boring for the original sheep who often fall asleep. Some rebel, jump the fence and try another church. The new arrivals, who are facinated by all this think this is great, as there is more grass for them. The evangelist realises that it looks like he's not doing any work, so he has to shoot off and get some more sheep.

This sounds like fun. Can anyone start a church club ?

Yes. Find some gormless friends, who think you are the bees-knees, and follow the above guidelines under 'What is a Pastor?'.

When I start a church what should I do with sheep who seem to be thinking for themselves ?

Add a seperate prayer-queue to your church activities. It's a bit like a sheep-dip. You can dab some oil or grease onto any offending sheep's forehead and pray for the sheep's brain to reset. This may take several sessions. If after seven hundred and seventy seven sessions, and still nothing changes, you are entitled to get angry and shout at them. If that doesn't work and they are STILL coming back to the dip, then there are over 144,000 excellent self-help books especially written for sheep with behaviour problems. Get them to buy and start reading them, one at a time, immediately. This should keep them occupied for a few months whilst you go to a Pastor-Training class and hone your woffling skills. If they continue to be a nuisance you will have to ex-communicate them. Put them out of the church. This may seem harsh but once a sheep gets an idea in it's head it can be very persistant in keeping on about it to other sheep. This would spoil the status quo and you would loose credibility as the brains of the outfit.

What if a 'smart sheep' accuses me of not listening or understanding ?

A neat answer that usually works well on upstart sheep is to reply, 'Why doesn't who listen or understand ?' A stun gun produces a similar effect, but of course, would be illegal. The mind of a sheep is so accustomed to circular logic that a trance may well result from this treatment. The sheep may want to recount details of visions experienced during their 'trance'. Allow them to speak from your pulpit, briefly, then get them back into the circle quickly to continue their 'meditations'.

Does Jesus's teachings apply to family relationships?

This is a typical 'smart sheep' or Pastoral question that is better avoided, similar to the methods explained above. You must be careful to NOT ask so many questions. If you ever find that rebellious sheep are affecting your own behaviour ask your doctor for a course of anti-depressant tablets or drink a bottle of Vodka before bedtime.

What personality-type is God ?

This is a more dangerous 'smart sheep' question. God is the Master of Loving Sarcasm and not to be trifled with.

OK then, how do I get this log out of my eye ?

This is an extremely 'unsafe' question. I have nothing to say.

Does DMW have a qualified psychologist on it's staff ?

We do NOT believe in using psychology for helping lost sheep. We believe in washing brains out with holy water, olive oil, dilute earwax or axle grease.