bunchofcaners guide to curry


Two of the greatest questions that are asked week in, week out, all around our country: 

1. In a club - "What music is this?"

2. In a curry house - "What shall I have to eat"

Until now, for no apparent reason, no-one has spotted that these questions are essentially asking the same thing. With the help of the bunchofcaners guide to curry, now you can tell your Jalfrezi from your Garage, and your Trance from your Balti. 

Bon Appetit......

 

Music Genres   Curry Menu  
Chicken Balti The Balti curry can comprise of any combination of ingredients and spices and can be either meat or fish based or vegetarian, served in a two-handled wok-like pan. Often features that sexiest of fresh herbs - coriander. Its popularity must be attributed to the Balti-houses of Birmingham. These establishments which offer cheap dishes served in basic and unsophisticated surroundings can now be found all over the country and have done much to increase the general popularity of Indian cuisine over the last ten years. SEXY FUNKY HOUSE Original glamour dance music with sexy flavas and funky vocal diva soundtracks. Popular in Birmingham club miss moneypenny's but has now spread to all over the country.
Chicken Phal This particular dish is a UK invention and not found in India (Phall actually means fruit). This dish is effectively a hotter version of the Vindaloo and has been known to be a favourite of inebriated diners

 

 GABBA This particular music is a UK invention and no-one else is daft enough to listen to it (GABBA means "Shitting Crikey!"). This is effectively a faster, harder version of techno and known to be a favourite of total nutters.
Lamb Rogan Josh A dish from the Kashmir region, red coloured with pungent spices and aromas. Cooked with lots of chilli powder,paprika and tomato. Thick chunks of lamb make this dish heavy on the stomach. Hard House Hard house, chunky, solid, frantic, brooding. Nagging Bass and military percussion. Flavoured with pungent vocals, it keeps you banging away but is heavy on the ear-drums.
Lamb Vindaloo A Goan dish with plentiful amounts of spice and chilli. Restaurants usually serve this dish with chicken or lamb mixed with potatoes. Very Hot. Industrial Techno An underground dish with plentiful amounts of minimalism. Clubs usually serve this dish with little lighting and strange smells. Very Hard.
Chicken Tikka Massala Tikka masala is, a British invention, albeit one invented by the Indian chefs in British curry houses. In the twenty years since its conception it has become probably the single most popular curry dish in the country. This is undoudtedly due to the fact that it combines the use tikka meat or fish with a creamy curry sauce and fresh tomatoes to produce a tasty yet mild curry, which even those with the lowest possible tolerance to chilli or spicy foods cannot fail to enjoy. Ibizan Anthemns Ibiza is a British invention, albeit one hosted in Spain and covered in Dutch and Germans. In the 20 years since it's conception it has become the most popular holiday destination for clubbers. This is undoubtedly due to the fact that it combines the use of super huge clubs, super huge tunes and super star DJs to produce an extremely tasty style of epic dance tracks which even those with the lowest possible tolerance to hardness or Beats per Minute cannot fail to enjoy.
Jalfrezi Generally cooked with chicken, meat or vegetables, with added green peppers, green chilies and onions. Jalfrezi has a delicious fresh zesty and spicy flavour, strength varies greatly from restaurant to restaurant. Trance Generally composed of stomping dance sections, with added breakdowns and delicious up-liftance. Varies greatly in strength from club to club. 
Methi Methi is the Indian name for the spice fenugreek, which has a distinctive aniseed taste and smell. The curry is usually medium strength and contains chicken or lamb cooked with garam masala and onion as well as the dried fenugreek powder Psychedelic Trance Distinctive weird stuff going on with flashy lights and odd tastes and smells. Cooked by odd hairy people who will sell you falafel at the drop of a hat.
Kashmir This could be described as the Indian equivalent to a sweet and sour dish as it combines meat cooked with onions and spices and sweet fruits. Kashmir curry is usually mild and contains chicken, lamb or prawns cooked in coconut cream with a variety of fruits, usually lychee, banana or pineapple Hip Hop Sometimes sweet and sometimes sour, depending on the club. Hip-Hop is certainly fruity though and invariably contains lychees. 
Korma The mildest curry dish on the menu is a good place for the curry virgin to start their exploration of the joys of curry. Totally pointless to the hardened curry-lover however and should generally be ignored in favour of something with more BPM. Garage The least interesting dance music style on offer in clubs. Totally pointless to the hardened clubber and should generally be ignored in favour of something with more chilli powder.
King Prawn Jinga Mossala Marinated King Prawns cooked over charcoal, stir-fried with Californian ground almonds then boiled in secret sauce - a special of bunchofcaners' local curry house. US House Overpaid fat DJs, stir fry a funky house blend with Californian something and boiled in a sweaty club like Ministry.
Tandoori Chicken Biryani Biriani is a dry curry containing the base ingredient of rice to form the main body of the dish. This is usually accompanied by a 'sauce' of medium-heat vegetable curry Drum 'n' Bass Dance music stripped of it's fineries, containing the base ingredients of a drum and a, err, bass. Usually accompanied by lots of shouting.
onion bhaji This is perhaps the most popular starter dish on the Indian Restaurant menu. Fine slices of onion are coated with a spicy batter containing cumin, coriander and fresh green chilli. These are then deep fried in oil on a low heat. The resulting bhaji is crisp and golden brown on the outside, but soft in the centre. Onion bhaji is served with raita or chutney, which serve to cool you down if you get a mouthful of the fresh green chilli hidden in your bhaji! Cafe Del Mar / Ambient This is perhaps the most popular style of music with which to start a night out clubbing. Sit on a sun-lounger coated in the finest Mediterranean sunbeams. These then set into the green sea. The resulting mood is a warm golden feeling, and soft in the centre. Cafe Del Mar is served with copious bottles of Sol, and a long J&B on ice, which serve to warm you up ready for action on the main course of dance music for the evening.

 

 

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