Home - 9th December 2000

Karen had managed to source us ten VIP tickets to Home, Leicester Square on Saturday 9th December. To make the most of it we are walking past the queue of people in the rain early, at quarter past ten. We go in through the VIP entrance and up in the lift to the lounge - they even press the buttons for you! It's very plush, great views over London encompassing St Paul's, The Eye, Big Ben. So far, so good.

Things take a bit of turn when we're getting the drinks in. Now the entrance may have been free but they're planning on getting their money back through the most expensive bar in all of christendom. Surely they're taking the piss? Slight redemption in the toilets though, which surely must have been short listed for a 'designer urinal of the year' award?

After a drink in the VIP lounge we move en mass to the main Auditorium. It's my first visit to Home and the main dance room takes me by surprise. There are hardly any lights on and it's as dark as a room in the Drome. I think I was expecting a more shiny glitzy affair, but the music is fairly pounding and the darkness is fairly optimistic. 

After an hour of jumping around desperately trying not to get scalped by the iron gantries that surround the dance floor, the optimism is fading fast. It doesn't seem as if the DJ has more than one record, as no distinguishable change in music has occurred so far. This continues to be the case pretty much all night. It's billed as "funky house". I'd call "utter shite".

Return the VIP lounge for a look to see what's going on. It's wall to wall with wannabees. After another drink (preceded by a second mortgage) we quickly return to the Auditorium. Here, the quality of people is no better. It's mostly tourists and day-trippers and prostitutes. There are no real clubbers here, just people who, like us, are here so they can say they have been. The result is such a lack of atmosphere that  you struggle to breath. 

That said, I'm here with a great bunch of people. Karen is on fine form and we have a really good time. Unfortunately it ends at 3am - and on a Saturday night that means a taxi all the way home. Surely it wouldn't be too hard to stay open until 6?

You can see the intention with Home. On a good night, with a slightly talented DJ, the Auditorium could be a great place to spend a few hours. However, the location and the corporate feel to it all means their never going to fill it up with enough of the right people to make it a great club. Perhaps one place to start would be to send each and every member of staff on a training course where they can learn to smile, be friendly, and loose some of their attitude. The bar staff were just plain rude and it cannot be overstated how annoying it is to be pushed out the way by a glass collecting guy every five minutes when you're trying to dance.

It's a crying shame because I am up for superclubs. Slinky has always been a favourite and I did quite like Fabric. But Home simply fails to deliver on any of the base qualities - music, people, atmosphere, looks, cost. To be avoided.

drew