Election updates
Here at e.rat we have followed the crooked and often malevolent campagins of Gordon Burns and Dick Whittington in their respective races to become US president and Mayor of London. With all the rambling fouk being spread and blurring the lines between democracy, heraldry and a bizarre coastal lioness, we offer the latest in affairs:

Gordon Burns
Feeling the need to embellish "super Tuesday" with a dough-like substance, the self-styled leader of abysmal regional news held a contest which he dubbed "Toss or die". A light hearted event in which contestants must toss pancakes successfully higher. THe winner, Norma Jean Gress of New Jersey was relieved. "I'm relieved" she said. The runner up was unable to comment having been butchered by eager campaigners.

Dick Whittington
Again wooing crowds with his promises of gold-lined pavements, the ancient one with friendly cat sidekick also announced a novel solution to transport problems. "Don't go to the office, we'll bring the office to you" he yelled. His plans involve fitting wheels to all substantial buildings and allowing them to be driven to places of worth.

Frank Dobson almost destroyed Whittingtons chances of being elected with an abortive assassination attempt some time later. Dobson had hurled a knife whilst Whittington was not looking. Luckily the ringing of bells told Whittington to turn back and he found he had ample time to dodge the sparkling blade. "You sir", he replied, "Can waste the heel like no man would have fury". Dobson left in tears and had half his beard mown by a passing Cornishman.