8th Nov
Microsoft to be peeled like a fruit
Contrary to popular analyst type predictions, Microsoft is not to be split up. US government insiders have revealed that the Redmond shark-destroyers are to be "peeled like a large banana". "Peeling will produce a much more desirable outcome than mere breaking up and also provide ample oppurtunity for us to gorge in natures bounty" said Joan of Arc (actors name for security reasons). Bill Gates was unavailable for commented as he was being mummified at the time. Steve Balmer however did say "It does not concern us. Peel us and feel our wrath". Focus groups are more than a little concerned. "We remember Chiquita, Microsoft is an altogether much bigger banana".
Crispy veg learns, pseudo-duplicates then passes off
It was today discovered that a once tasty garnish or otherwise blood sucking loving vegetable has done the old learn-duplicate-pass off thing. A spokesman was not available but famous industry analyst Peter Greene did say "Ah, how it pains me". Removing the large rusted nails from his feet he went on to say "Ah, that's so much better". Whatever the outcome provides for us all, we can sure it will furiously repeat similar meanings but why do we care? Rant over...
100 eyes blindness jape
"No way!" said an angry pedestrian outside the Centre for Bug-Eye Research in London. It was inside however that the real news was happening. A starnge insect that lives inside a wasp has 100 eyes they say. E.rat hoever has found out a little more. It seems the tiny sting-monster (Ynnxx-Oranxfrog) went blind many years ago and today furnishes itself with numerous glass eyes to cover the embarrassment. Poor eyesight is frowned upon in the insect world. Top jeweller, Gerald Ratner said he had personally hand-crafted several of these glass eyes but that they were "crap".
Major Mayor Mojo Manifestations
Archer! Livingstone (or not)! Whittington! Yes, as the race to be mayor of London gets personal, the great Dick Whittington found himself on the wrong end of an evil joke by Frank Dobson (friend of evil Tony). The joke involved streets being paved with gold and a camp pantomime cat. "Sire" replied Whittington with his famous biting wit, "Your beard is the worst kind of perfomance art". Stunned audiences appreciated this well timed insult and in celebration rang mock bow bells. The mood was only dampened slightly by the lack of bell vices telling people to get lost, or whatever.
Oh yes - we like that, we really do.
