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Nuurrr... Now over 100 stories in the archives, matey

Zen Lenin's red planet fest
Ark! communist rockers, Zen Lenin, are now performing live from Mars. Although they can be an acquired taste, you will like them. There is no choice here. Here they are.

Polish rescued by anti-alien netherworlders
Weird anti-alien aliens have come to the rescue of Poland by donating some of that free grass & soil stuff. Alien spokesman projected these thoughts upon a brick wall "Die earthly sc... er... accept this generous donation - we hate all aliens!". Neighbouring countries are eager to stash up on blue coal before the shipment of earthy (or maybe non-earthy) stuffness begins. Polish spokesperson who steadfastly refused to give his name announced "This is great, cobbers". Presumably some strange fouk had a hand in the translation.

Broken turnip fuels mass market speculation
A huge transparent broken turnip has washed up in the Port of Dover. Harmlessly marauding a couple of ferries on the way past it came to rest near a largish concrete block bearing the insignia 'Rest, young turnip'. The FTSE 100 instantly jumped past the 8,000 point mark and chairmen of major companies bestowed gifts, horses and mysterious spices on the newly bespectacled vegetable. Port of Dover ship guiding bloke said this, "Hello?", he was of course answering the telephone.

Golden goose rhyme provokes mafioso garden arrangement
Small children in a Greek village have stumbled upon a new rhyme involving a golden goose. The first lines goes 'So the golden goose visited the barn, and got a hay'. Sicilian (some bearded) mafia going-on'ers have been quick to adopt the rhyme as their national anthem. Instead of giving the children horses heads, they chose to hand over a multitude of colourful beads and some water from another ocean. The children were suitably impressed.

Heir to throne lived it up with rocks
In an astonishing revelation, the Prince of Wales told reporters he had once gone on a night out with some boulders that had been styolen for him by masked highwaymen. One highwayman was subsequently caught but never revealed his co-conspirators. Dick Turpin was later freed on account of having lived faraway in the past. No charges are expected to be brought. "We are free to go out with whoever we want, even some rocks" said a policemen. The judge aid something different but noone heard him so everyone got off.

Yeltso-Horse building secret armada
The Horse suspected of orchaestrating the assassination of the communist tall fish has been spied on secretive satellite photos constructing an evil armada of papery ships to conquer the Earth. Noone was available to comment. Indeed, our rat stole these photos from MI5 and is now under arrest. As a mark of respect for our captured comade, we show the picture here. Actualy, an agent stole it back so we had to draw it up from memory.

A house on a hill with a bag in a box
A bag was in a box. No great spectacle you may think but this was different. This morning an astonishing experiment took place. Two men in cars became the box, the entire city of San Francisco was the bag and the hill in question was imaginary. The house used here was a blue one but that is not important. What is important is that these objects formed other objects which they could not possibly have done in ways you cant even imagine. Expect this to have a profound effect on your life sometime today.

Potato smmmeeerrgghhhh - almanac typo morrow
The much valuted over collection of the best from what happened in that week last will appear tommorow in expressionist form (er... we may just write it down though). With that, our hurly promises are complete and you win no more. If you have no idea what this means then that is truly excellent. No attempt will be made today to guess tommorow. It's painfully obvious that we didn't ever have a fouking clue to start with, we aren't foretollers (whatever they are) y'know.

Coming sooner (possibly) - the whole rat thing. i.e. musical rat, conspiratory vermin & quite possibly elsemore (new word)