10th Jan
Noone notices world takeover
International bandaged terrorists recoiled in horror today after making a largely successful takeover attempt of several major capital cities only to find that noone had noticed... More...
Poisonous snake pool hissing
A fifty foot blue adder from Cambridge made history today by becoming the first snake to win a major ranking pool tournament. The snake beat Darlingtons Mark Jeffries in the final of the Greater Great Pool Championship of Derby. When asked various questions as to how a snake would take up such a hobby the adder replied in the way it knew best. Five members of the press survived only to find they must be subjected to medical tests for the next 20 years in a huge stone bunker.
Mo Fo cheese fouk
14,503 is a number not often quoted these days. "It doesn't seem like eighteen years since I last lost my keys" commented frustrated driver, Brian Hewes. All this however was rather superfluous to the news that racing monster Nigel Mansell has bought a boat full of slaves so that he might sail to China and exchange them for fireworks. "I need fire" said Mansell. "One day he'll find he has no hat" said a close friend. Just four hours later this came to pass as his prized hat became an ornament atop a shiny spear.
Warmer times ahead for underground shouting festivals
Brash battling warhorse of self-biased, US-centric, cheese-flavoured shout-news - CNN, has announced that it intends to scrap all regular programming and replace with new programmes containing more reference to itself. "We don't talk about ourselves enough" said one director. New plans also include two more Asia News slots which will refer only to American companies and a programme called 'Emotions' where the CNN team take up a worthy cause and helpfully uncomplicate matters to leave a good vs evil argument. Rumours that Disney is involved with the latter are as yet unconfirmed. "We will also shout more and try to be more patronising" he also said. Electric Rat reporting - Manchester, England
"Spool it THIS way" - Roger Moore
