Moon size shock horror smallness announcement
Top space scientist blokes revealed today that they had completely over estimated the size of the moon. The shock revealation came at the 27th annual conference into space stuff. "I mean, it's not like we could get a tape measure to it" commented one scientist. Excuses ranged from 'I think we originally measured another moon by mistake, they all look alike y'know' to 'I think we may have also mis-measured the size of terrestrial objects, such as ships' though the last one wasn't really an excuse. Although no figures were quoted a document was obtained by this reporter which indicates the moon may only be a metre or so in diameter. Airlines are now taking precautions to avoid hitting the moon which is likely to be only a few feet from the ground.

NASA was unavailable for comment but this revealation explains one of Buzz Aldrins crazy speeches in which he is quoted as saying 'I tripped and almost fell off onto an Italian'. This had previuosly been dismissed as space madness.

Eclipse cancellation conspiracy
Not actually a conspiracy but it is thought the UK government is considering delaying the eclipse to allow congestion to ease. A spokesman announced 'The only drawback is that it will delay the event occuring in some other countries, but we don't really care'. Given the news that the moon is but a [large] pea then this would seem an entirely possible course of action, needing only small people - like elves.

Surprise mayor of London candidate
The newest candidate for the position as mayor of London has caused much surprise, mostly because he has been dead for many years. Dick Whittington himself announced he intends to stand as an independent and made a short speech about the noise of bells urging him to return. Some say he was confused by funeral or scary ghost bells but Dick is keeping that a secret.

Coldest place in universe now in Hull
Despite the best attempts of funky so-called "cold science", the record for the coldest place in the universe is currently being held by a Mr Henry Robertson of Hull. Apparently he pressed the wrong button on his freezer before going away on holiday, instead of defrosting it set to deep freeze and was furious in doing so. "At least I can still eat those peas" Mr Robertson commented. His idea was laughed at by scientists who pointed out that if he did so, he would die. Apparently food goes off at absolute zero. His freezer will return to normal temperature later tonight because he intends to "buy a pizza".

Sep Blatter cries at [above] moon news
In yet another (shocking moon size) related outburst, it has been revealed that Sep Blatter burst into tears upon hearing that news. It is fairly common knowledge that he wanted to be first man to get the world cup on the moon. Unfortunately there would only be enough room for either a ball or a single player, but not both at once. Transport costs have been slashed though, the players could jump there casually. "Is nothing sacred?" Blatter spurted and surprised everyone. What the fouk has that got to do with anything?

Yeltsin madder than anyone expected
In another fit of madness, Boris Yeltsin has let slip that the next PM-dude if Putin-bloke is rejected (maybe) will be a small horse with no name. The communist party laughed collectively and suggested a tall fish instead. World onlookers found this to be an amusing quip but it later transpired that the communists were serious. The horse does not have a web site, but we have a special page dedicated to it here.

Electricity gone stale in cupboard
Mad-arse housewife, "Sandra B" (fake name, possibly) put some electricity in her cupboard 17 years ago and today produced it's stinking corpse. "Evil capitalists" she is quoted as saying. She didn't, she said "Ah, wondered where that had got to".

Noone found in hole
An enormous 15 mile deep hole in America has annoyed aid workers today who finally reached the bottom only to find that noone had fallen down it. Instead they found some lava and a twig. One aid worker was set on fire and had to be washed in lava - he is now quite dead, but clean. It had taken the men nearly twenty years to get to the bottom after a call to the local police announcing an old man had fallen into a hole because "he was crap".

Dead(ish) old man found in small hole
An old man was found dead in a hole 3ft deep yesterday. Coroners have confirmed he had been there around twenty years and had died of idiocy. Police are baffled as to why noone had noticed before, the hole being as it is, in the middle of a busy yacht.

Smmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhh
Smerrghghhh-o-hen, dialup phoney gong-basher on the biggest cleanest scum-wheeled terrestrial rag-o-chipes to lead armies of geese into war. Comments not welcome.

Tommorow eclipse frenzy in dark
While many & dog people get excited about every last drop of life giving, energy filled sun being extinguished, the rats will be out in force to report on many of the things you just wont hear about anywhere else. Also expected are more moon related stories (it is big news after all). The rats seem to think the moons world cup bid presentation will be scuppered tommorow - that is highly possible. Something important may happen in Cuba tommorow & it may involve communists. Then again... You can trust the rat to bring you all the important stuff many times a day. Well, you can but do rats keep promises? You'll have to ask one, foolish person.

Coming soon (possibly) - the whole rat thing. i.e. musical rat, conspiratory vermin & quite possibly elsemore (new word)