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Nuurrr... Now well over 100 stories in the archives, matey

Martian big face dusty success plaintiff
Zen Lenin are celebrating the enormous success of their off world gig today by continuing to play. Now at 49 hours, they are attempting to break a record set by Helen of Troy (who used glass drums). Of course, we still have live coverage here. The band's manager, Dmitiri Arse commented "They are great. I need coffee".

Frozen fleas defy death-wall in olde repeating of history
The shadowy armada of death being prepared by the Horse has met with fierce resistance after putting out to sea this morning. A counter army of jobless liquorice men has all but destroyed the flotilla with a bombardment of herons. The men, acting under the supervision of the Irish government are now returning to their homeland in Belgium where it is nice & flat. "Excellent" said a passer by. She was presumably commenting on the huge fortune she had amassed in clever share wizardry.

Green cheese escapades
An excellent vintage, don't you think?

Grr'ing a-plenty in monster magnetism
Yeti's in Norway now seem a normal part of life for most of the country's inhabitants and to further prove it, the first Yeti Hill Parade took place. An important part of this involves Yeti's dancing whilst on fire, spitting in gaps and covering shadows with oily apparatus. The parade has been a huge success as organiser, Grrtttt Pttrrrr-Yrrght confirmed - "Grrrrrrrrrrr!". Those words will be remembered for years to come.

Lost in space, on the ground - found!
A small clay pot, presumed to be MIA after a misconstrued war during the 1930's has been found. You may have heard from other 'news' places that this was in space. Lies! The pot was found under some rope near Port o' Bacon in Kentucky. Local farmers gathered in unison to say "Oo-ar!". Contrary to popular belief, this saying is very popular in the US.

The difference between x & y
Popularity. It's that simple.

Rampancy upbringing fuels fire of fury
A small child, brought up in fields of corn has sparked outrage by declaring his status as 'Wizod'. The perculiar boy said that it reflected his Wizody nature and made clear his ability to make strange shapes with fire, like crushed curtains perhaps. His father, ancient Incan sun worshipper, Rodney Vero said "He is a bright boy, does it matter what he burns?". Childs mate, pyromaniac Jimmy Greaves, has conspired to build a mountain of metal though he gave little reasoning for this.

Super simple yoghurty man-in-pie phrasing contest hazardous massacre fest
A meeting of the League of Hatred Against Cultured Milkly Susbstances Subverting Society ended in tragedy last night when a game of scrabble destroyed their house-barn-boat. Noone knows why or how, but rogues are suspected. The cads.

Sand blasting furnace melts pot o' goodness
Furnacier, Henry Gooding, caused a stir this afternoon by unveiling the worlds first 'Bovine Sand Putty Blaster'. Using a curious mixture of cow vomit, sand, grit, horse fur and water the vile ooze cleans a building and makes it look shiny again. So far he has cleaned his patio which turned bright red and is now highly radioactive. ICI are rumoured to be buying the rights for their advanced chemical warfare division.

Biker monsters invade UK!
No they didn't, that's just silly.

I don't want your pity, just your money
Says it all really.

Hark Erk, Berk!
Tommorow! It's the next day! Arse! Exclamationism! At risk of being Putnam-like we shall stop here and digest a powdery cabbage. Mmm... that was nicesshhhhhh. Anyways, tommorow we can expect what? We dont know - we tell you this every time. Stop asking! Oh, you didn't... thats okay then... we will go now.

Coming sooner (possibly) - the whole rat thing. i.e. musical rat, conspiratory vermin & quite possibly elsemore (new word)