Eclipse may not work properly
Thanks to our hot story yesterday regarding the stupidly orange shaped (or sized) lunar object, some top science dudes have made a valid, but furry, point. This means the moon is no longer 400 times smaller than the sun and this will therefore destroy any possible eclipse and any attempt by elves to delay said moon-sun combination. Dr Henry of Coventry University said "The sky may still go dark, but later, at night". We are grateful for this scientific insight.

Cuban mist ruins cigar festival
A thick, hazy and quite possibly communist mist has settled over Cuba and physically destroyed a cigar festival being held in Havana (fake link). Little known to intelligence services, but not to our rats, the festival was actually a front for a new cigar based weapon system where a combination of rocket technology, tobacco and grated broccoli destroys houses and decimates livestock. Noone is quite sure how it does this but we guess at telepathy.

Mars pen shock cum laugh-fest
Almost making it two spectular spacey stories in just about as many days, a professor of space stuff reported a small pen on Mars as he look through his telescope. "It's amazing, they may be microbes but if they can write they must be alright" he apparently said. After several hours of making maps and the like, a helpful fellow pointed out that the pen was stuck to the end of the telescope and he was not looking at Mars. The so-called 'scope was directed towards a foaming canal. "I feel like such an idiot" the professor later said. His superiors agreed and he was shot at dawn.

Eclipse works surprise
Just so to confuse things further, the predicted eclipse did happen despite all the goings on of the last few days & no elves were to be seen. This has no cast doubts over the size of the sun which (if scaled according to the moon) is but a millenium dome and several metres away. Sadly there was noone available to quote for us so shall have to make it up, "the sun is blue in colour but green to the eye" we say.

Stolen people reduce jobless figures
Shock news just in. The fall in employment-o-job-findingness is down to one horrifying reason - the hoarding of layabouts. Top secret government hit men are collecting lazy arses (not to be confused with lazy eyes) and storing them in Barnsley. At the moment we dont know where but a local allotment goer had a large shed bought off him yesterday by some fishermen. These fishermen were actually fish in disguise, which would explain many things. Fish horde sheds > hit men get slobs > unemployment falls. It's a classic tale.

Onion burns alone
France, stereotyped onion wearing home of French people. A careless woman discarded an onion on what turned out to be a day of intense volcanic activity in same street. The onion casually burned for nearly an hour until it was rescued and placed in a bucket. A police spokesman remarked "The onion is burnt to a crip" (but in French - "Le oignon burnee de la crip", maybe). Stupid man, it is quite impossible for crips to be made from onion. The volcano has now been contained in a big lake near Spain whilst authorities decide what to do with the charred and disrespectful crip-resemblance.

Mad yorkshire judge ruling garden-illegality stamp out
An insane judge in Barnsley has outlawed the common garden shed in an effort to reduce terrorism in the Yorkshire town. It follows the purchase of several sheds by fish (although there has been a distinct lack of aquatic terrorism). "Today will go down in history as the day we of Barnsley said no to this sort of thing" is what the judge frequently says when making rulings. The law has been backdated to 1846 and carries a fine of £4,000 per day for non-compliance or a 14 year jail sentence.

Moon laughed all the way to the... moon sun faraway planet
The moons presentation to host the 2006 World Cup today was laughed at in extremity. It's hastily arranged proposal to fit almost two players on it at once was dismissed as "The most stupid blue-haired remark ever made in the history of the universe". A typical over reaction by Sep Blatter. The presentation was also marred by a terrorist attack, more on this later.

Alarmist communists terrorist lie(ist)
Somehow a group of fanatical... fanatics stormed the world cup presentation (given lip service above). They described themselves are radical right-wing communists (bloody fools) and they demanded liberation for a section of their fridge. The crowd however possessed more weapons than the hostiles and the ensuing bloodbath did not occur. The pseudo-revolutionaries are now under house arrest in Poland. Sep Blatter did pass comment but it was too irrelevant for even us to print.

Blu!
Blu blu blu... It's what they are saying on the street apparently, the mad fouks...

A new day & no certainties to embellish
Not sure what this means, hmm... thats a lie. We do know but we wont tell you. Thats a lie too. What we mean is that we have absolutely no idea what will happen tommorow. Likely to be another moon related story though (no one else is reporting them) and we have no idea if communism will make an appearance. Rest assured though that our rats are out there and if it happens, you'll find out everything here.

Coming soon (possibly) - the whole rat thing. i.e. musical rat, conspiratory vermin & quite possibly elsemore (new word)