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Railtrack in bizarre sea-train saga
Railtrack is selling 14,000 miles of track to the sea. Not quite true, they are building a network of undersea rails for a whole new generation of "sea trains". They are reportedly investing £55bn in the stupid idea. No sea trains are to be built, this is left to 'inventive garden-shed types'. Given yesterdays landmark shed case then this seems less than likely. Ideas for these trains have ranged from electric eel powered veh-hi-cles to other electric eely animals. Richard Branson is thinking about a new underwater balloon, the idiot.

Mis-mountain horse-death climbing tree story
Climbers were astonished early this morning to find the mountain they had been scaling for the past six days had disappeared. Sherpas told the men "You bloody freaks, ha! die!". The climbers reacted badly to this & bludgeoned a horse. A major incident has now erupted and the horse is being transported by armed guard to be decomissioned by the sea. The mountain (or not mountain) government have arrested the climbers and ceremonially kicked the abusive Sherpas. Extradition is being set at £200 though their nationality is not known.

USA gets the Krypton Factor
It is now official, TV 'celebrity' Gordon Burns is to run for the US presidency when he "can be arsed to move". His policies mainly revolve around zip lines, flight simulators and some form of mental agility. He has the backing of the current guy (Clayton) who is the brains behind the whole Clinton operation. US 'president' Clinton announced "In Gordon Burns we will have a nice smooth president - I would have preferred Roger Moore but he is on fire". A helpful announcement it seems because Roger Moore was indeed found at home, on fire, and was swiftly put out. "Smouldering" he said, raising an eyebrow.

Green cheese... mmm... Green...
Dr Sir Henry Henry Henry Greensmith VII has made a groundbreaking discovery to change old wives tales forever. Using highly fangled and green machinery he has deduced that Mars is made of cheese, not the moon. His idea sparked some life into a drunken oath named Sep. "I mean, come on, what fouking use is him when you need one?" was not heard by anyone, they choose to ignore his pointless drivel.

Boxing - a sport?
The international olympic committee whose real title escapes us at the moment has announced a raft of new sports for the next games. The list includes eating, swimming, horses, cardboard boxes, noise prevention and carpet wearing. They have been introduced to revive ailing viewer figures and arouse new interest in the animal kingdom (a huge potential market). A spokesman declined to make a statement and was duly sacked, his replacement said the following "We think it's about time". Us rats think she deserved sacking as well.

PR stunt goes horribly wrong
Chemically inclined oily-behemoth, ICI, today staged a tragic PR stunt to promote it's plastics. The idea was to induce a small earthquake in mainland Europe and have a biker traverse a huge canyon whilst Yeti's danced in the moonlight. Unfortunately, the earthquake got out of control and has devoured Belgium, the biker is still stuck in a traffic jam and the Yeti's are raping & pillaging like veritable vikings. An ICI top bod said this, "Oh dear". We agree, we think.

Shed owners cull commences
Following yesterdays insane ruling by a stowpid judge, the bailiff's have been out in force in Barnsley confiscating sheds and their owners. A struggle ensued at the property of a Mr Browne, he was shot and thrown into a neighbouring garden. So far somewhere around 27 people have gone missing. One angry passer by told us "For fouks sake, I cant even get past that big fouking van". The van was a bin van on it's morning rounds and had nothing to do with sheds.

Tall-fish premier selected
Following on from the communist party's good-joke-turned-insane-arse-scheme, they have now selected the tall fish they aim to have elected as PM-dude. Yeltsin has been too busy on the vodka to gorge more details of his horse choice but our dedication page is still available here.

Cooooooooooooooolllllllllleeeeeeeeecccccccccccccctttttttttttt!
Points mean collections and we all know where that leads us...

Momentus moon anti-adulation ceases to produce further reapings
Our rats have scoured high and (mostly) low but have failed to turn up a single decent moon related story. Given the far reaching consequences of the size discovery, we find this quite sickening. If you know of one please tell us & we shall investigate further.

Ah, but for the morrow
Erkle! By that, the 'erkle' that is, we are to again speculate on what tommorow may bring us. Well, for a start you may have wait a little bit longer for the stuff dat matters cos the rats are out in the day. This be meaning that update will happen early eveningness. As for the news we aren't sure whether the moon will make an appearance due to lack of anything we can find happening, it is likely that Barnsley will be plunged into more turmoil even though the 'terrorist' fish have yet to do anything at all. It almost goes without saying that Sep Blatter will talk more fouking crap. Other stoof of note to us is conspiratory vermin which will make a showing over the weekend. Nothing will ever seem the same again, much like after having your ears doused.

Coming sooner (possibly) - the whole rat thing. i.e. musical rat, conspiratory vermin & quite possibly elsemore (new word)