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13th Sep
Nuurrr... Now well over 150-ish stories in the archives...
Horsey detainee provokes guardsmen extravagance
Surprisingly, the Russian Horse is being held under arrest by the Irish authorities after attempting to seek asylum there. 58,000 Irish police stormed customs and sacked the entire town surrounding the (as yet undisclosed) port where Horse landed. The arrest is forming a viscious rumour that top Irish ministers are actually communist puppets, digesting where & when their superiors allow them to.
As news spread around the world, Boris Yeltsin made a furious statement "Damn you pesky kids!". Obviously the richness of the Russian language does not translate well in such important matters of state. Beaming at the news, communists ceased to beam things and rejoiced, "No justice for those pigs!" screamed a farmer who was immediately wrestled to the ground and injected with some kind of gas.
Curiously for such an event of astounding international proportions, the Irish have yet to give a reason for the arrest. Top reasons suspected though are:
- Luggage theft
- Horse play
- Scrabble chasing
- Blue-arsed swimmingly surreptitious maligning of wordly cowardice - debauchery!
We rats also believe that the long drawn out affair of fish-death may have a part to play too (check the archives if you have no idea what this means).
Goat update - The 2 remaining captive goats have been freed as Russian police failed to garner any further information from them. "Goats are good at keeping secrets" commented a policeman. This was actually a peasant disguised as a policeman who now has a 50 year jail sentence to look forward to, in Spain.
Broken vase sparks murder-whodunnit for no good reason
A vase found with a large chip in it yesterday sparked the largest police operation the world has ever seen. Apparently all signs pointed to a so-called "dastardly deed". Ridiculed police returning home after discovering semi-seperated pottery stopped only to say "No case too big, this was small - admittedly - but worthwhile nontheless". A PR victory for the police it seems.
Frozen food deliverance in culture-garden shocker
Still reeling at defeat by Hungo-Orangutan crown prince Humbert O'Henry in the world cross country chess championships, Pizza deliveryman-by-night, Robert Thornton of Dumfries proved his rampant anger by planting fifteen rows of rare spicy flowers and immediately pronouncing them heir apparent. Mr Thornton's estate includes a field in Northampton and a bar in New Jersey. Delighted at their newly found prominence, one flower said "Weee! Wizard! Wacco!". Of course, it was a silly dancing flower but who needs to know?
Mad side antics whilst noone was looking
Heh heh... we noticed it...
Spying plant ground to dust in greenhouse carnage debacle
A plant, of unknown species, was today pounded to little green specks by an angry MI5 mob. Following further disclosures of KGB agents in Britain. A plant known as Agent Plant was found to have disclosed gardening secrets to the communists over a forty year period. Even the highly top secretive 'Green fingered Jack' mushroom enforcement techniques were handed over. Jack Straw in a rage over such revealations announced "The plant must die!". And it did.
Gorilla's feign mock-freedom spectacle
The Famous Peoples Army of Gorilla, from Germany, today made history by staging a fake election and handing out what it called 'freedom' to it's 13 million members. Hidden behind this noble gesture is a completely evil lie. No one at all will be allowed freedom, this is just a figure of speech as one Gorilla-man out it. The Less Famous Grouting Association laughed emptily at the election. It had held it's own fake election two years previous and the event was marred by the seemingly random distribution of bullets to frenzied freak-bods.
Fixating the stumble?
Enough of that, no mad ramblings about tommorow. We'll keep it brief - site design changed a bit today and probably a bit more later as well. Plundering ahoy! Well, not really no. What a pointless bit of crap this bit is...
Coming sooner (possibly) - the whole rat thing. i.e. musical rat, conspiratory vermin & quite possibly elsemore (new word)
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