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14th Sep
Nuurrr... Now well over 150-ish stories in the archives...
Cricketing greats prepare for spacial exodus
The semi-exciting news that an Earth sized planet has been spotted due to the effect known secretly as bendy stars has been well and truly hurled upon by a Dutch scientist. Edmond Van Arse from his secret mountain lair in Peru made his findings open to the public. They reveal that the 'planet' is actually a cricket ball hurling to oblivion. The source it seems is Henry Robinson's glorius six during the infamous 'impromptu tank battle' roses match in 1894. "This will hit them for six!" declared the notoriusly humourless Arse.
Bringing milky-white goodness to the masses
A milkman from Dorset had made clear his intentions to stand for the position as 'Mr Big'. "It's about time the world saw that you don't need any kind of swagger or presence to be Mr Big" Mr Geoffrey (for that is he) said. Organisers of the contest had much merriment at the expense of the foolish milk merchant. "What a dumb fouk!" said Burt Reynolds, chairman of the Big committee, "I think he should be sleeping with the fishes". Unsurprisingly, Reynolds later announced his own intentions to run for the title. Cries of possible biasedness and fixing were met by punishment beatings and drive-by accusations. At the moment, Reynolds is a clear favourite.
Revelling in pity, masses mourn nothing at all
Huge crowds have gathered at Trafalgar square this morning and for no apparent reason. One by one, the members of the merry troupe were questioned but none knew why they came, they just followed a mate. The main culprit is believed to Peter Gray (a fool from London) who said "Come to Trafalgar square, pass it on" to several strangers. Unfortunately this got out of control and now Gray is being hunted down like a dog. When caught, he will most likely be severed.
Mad Red Ed plans big mission on stuff
Bank of England blokey, Eddie George, has announced what he likes to call his 4 point plan to further increase economic growth and firmly establish the law of diminishing understanding leading from repeated readings of the diminishing returns thing. Although many are confused, we understand perfectly. Here are the points:
- Sixteen years henceforth, in the sky [at night], we shall observe the waxing greatness. In this [we] shall find what we seek
- Cutting returnable coinage in the metal of millions - not wise!
- Put rates up & up & up & up & up. Then down (then back up)
- Understand that Keynes had a name that many would not choose for themselves
The claims of mad cries by loony fouks down Threadneedle street seem as though they may have had some truth in them after all. Alas, it is too late for poor George Benson who first brought this to light. He was poisoned by the taxi driver on the way to his exile in Bohemia.
Mushed up gravy train surprisingly buoyant
OXO, famous beefy gravy company have introduced a new flavour to their arsenal. What had previously been known internally as Yellow Fever, the new cube was launched today as Malaria. Sharing a similar yellow hue to it's chicken-like cousin, Malaria is expected to do well in the lucrative 'back home from the pub' market where cravings for nasty diseases are commonplace. Advertised as a perfect accompaniment to roast mosquito, boiled raven or even to our dismay, pickled rat. Malaria is now available at a supermarket near you.
What part of "more throughot the day" are you having trouble with? Oh, yeah... "throughout". Sorry...
Coming sooner (possibly) - the whole rat thing. i.e. musical rat, conspiratory vermin & quite possibly elsemore (new word)
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