15th Oct
What is this?
A man in Dorset (home of beef) has broken new ground in the field of advanced complicated reasoning. Harold O'Heefkake was not the man who did this, it was instead Gordon Banks. THe new ground that was broken did not cause widespread earthquake style scray-chaos but instead he asked himself "What is this?". Innocent bystanders stoned him for this act of heresy but later confessed to being unsure what is was themselves. Alas it shall never be known but rumour has it that it wasn't important anyway. Rumours often tell bearded lies and it could have been an evil red weapon or a harmless garden tool.
Arthur C Clarke commenting from his sunny Antarctic hole said "Using that fractal thing to disprove allegations of it being a tank we are still nowhere nearer the truth". He went on to ramble about beer and strange bread all tasting of one thing as well as somewhere being full of something. "Stars" we said. "My God" said he "I actually meant crayons".
PM dude Blairo Tone is to make a statement on the whole sorry affair this afternoon. He is expected to discuss the reasons why such a stupid and senseless thing (or whatever it was) has led to rampant confusion and soem kind of super reverse knowledge. "Time was we walk through all that without fear" said a woman, "Agreement" said a knowing man and they went about their merry Victorianesque ways. "What ho!" say we.
Thats not on at all guys
Roasted almond combinations (as well as the more flavoured variety) are responsible for more than what some people believed a vague report has revealed this afternoon. Mr Jones of Cambridge University published his findings in a 2,000 page report entitled "These things I likes". His respective League of Hatred issued a counter report (This man who sucks) but it was widely ignored for being informal and more or less to the point.
Second comes right after first... NO!
Shock reversal of previously thought well-known facts abound here! It has transpired that second actually comes before first. This happens because of the way the human mind works. Take stepping on the moon - you do it first and think "This is crap" then you try again and think "Oh, not too bad". It is in this very bad-good combination that our noncy brains get all confused. The brain cells assume that first of all it must have been good whereas in fact it was not. Similarities have been drawn to cases where fish swim in opposite directions (although often intercepted by slowly sinking barges). All goes to prove, science is stranger than bread.
It's been broken! Nooooooo! Noooo! Alright then...
