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Blatter-boy ludicrous ransom demand for cheese-house
Following on from yesterdays kidnapping of the Blatster, the kidnappers have now made their demands clear. Aside from the (slightly less than) milkman debacle of the non-morrow they wish to segregate fifteen tons of melted cheese into a huge silo for later sale in Iran. Negotiator dudes are busy lieing about the amount of cheese the government has ready access to but things are not going well. They have threatened to destroy a hostage every hour until their demands are met. We suggest they take more than one hostage before they do such things.

Furious man hijacks train to nowhere
A man with 'no-name' this morning stole a small diesel shunter from somewhere near Clapton and then proceeded to remain stationary until he was sprayed by police marksmen. The four hour ordeal began after he expressed his fury at the delay in building a large greenhouse on the Isle of Wight. Not quite knowing how to operate the shunter, the man instead pretended to be travelling at high speed and shouted "I'm absolu-faaaaaoooouuuuuuu" a lot. We think he was.

BBBBBBBBBBBrrrsmtreor not...
How now brown... mmm... green? We say not! Demand that be stricken, no, it was us, ah... We speak what we wish not to hear. Shutting up seems appropriate now.

Sep Blatter free in underwater shock explosion hotelier-party carnage
Something has happened this afternoon that no one had expected. It is usually the case. Though we dont actually know what this event was, we do know about the ever stranger escapades of mad fouk Sep. As above & a bit, Sep was a hostage to rampant communists who want muchio cheese. In a blinding escape attempt, Blattboy distracted the minions with a hand crafted windmill of some description and proceeded to swim fifteen miles to safety through a network of stinking tunnels. He emerged in time for the presentation of Mars's bid for the world cup. "Nothing red after what I've been through" he announced. Please sir, this man is an idiot.

Yeti pre-emptive strike deters nuclear sparring of bear-like race
An upsurgence in Yeti attacks is being blamed upon Yeti's according to a new report out today. From around 10 a year in 1964, numbers have rocketed to 46,000 in a five minute period yesterday. 'The reason for these attacks is that Yeti's are attacking more people' stated the report. We have to agree. It is predicted that Yeti's will rule the world in just 10 years time if nothing is done to stop them. Top army bods are reportedly considering nuking the furry fouks but are dismayed by the likely loss of goat-water if they were to do so. A 700 year old ban on Yeti farming was lifted just year.

Wortsils is going on?
Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. We aren't really in a position to say becuase we have no idea who/what they/it are. What we will do though is pass comment on what we may be expecting come the morrow. Now that we are over our folk ramblings, we can positively say we have no idea what will happen. We do expect something major though, given the lack of things over the today/yesterday amalgamation. We are however that Sep Blatter escaped unharmed. Fouk it 'til tommorow then.

Coming sooner (possibly) - the whole rat thing. i.e. musical rat, conspiratory vermin & quite possibly elsemore (new word)