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Wookie chaos as Stalinist bears find obscene reasoning
The new Star Wars II project (if that is it's real name) has been revealed not to be, as first thought, a national defence system for the US but instead a new kind of microwave oven. Given that old microwaves hark back to mice-spoon-heat days, it is entirely probable that some clever people are trying to better it. By ionising the atmosphere above, say, Polarbearland a super-heated cooker of death will result. Early reports suggest chicken (from frozen) at 12 seconds. We are suitably impressed...

Drunken coldness gag results in absolu-faaaooouuu
A man in Greece on his stag night had the inspired idea to built 'some kind of energy field' after a night of drunken dear-type behaviour. Having constructed an advanced particle accelerator, he and his comrades decided to test it by accelerating some local fish. In an explosion the size of a handbag, a small black hole was formed and ripped the mustache right off the previously non-facial-haired Greecian earner. Whilst scientists are still evaluating the lasting effects on the universe, the Greekman offered a possible outcome "Maybe if we could reverse it, we'd have a cure for baldness". He had obviously not sobered up by then.

World & Garden in suprising show of companionship
A home in Wigan today exerted it's age old right to be with a garden by spontaneously combusting and helpfully burning down a small patch of trees. Firemen were baffled. The reason for this however, was that they were not firemen so were easily confused when faced with fire. Real firemen arrived later and were equally baffled, as in actual fact, no fire had occurred.

Missing stuff provokes wild man-hunt
Officials have today declared stuff missing. We dont know who the officials are, or indeed what the stuff is but it is a very worthy story to follow. Already, hundreds of people are combing the countryside looking for this stuff and have so far been unsuccessful. The best sighting so far came from a British Midland co-pilot. Whilst in mid-air, the pilot ask his No.2 what he was looking at "out of the window". "Oh, just stuff" he replied. They were somewhere near Coventry at the time.

Shocking siliconial revelation of non-theft from people at large
In an effort to, in about 40 years time (maybe), make Intel blush, we are actively encouraging rich people to register loads of trademarks with silly names that the chipsters may in future cast their huge scary robot arms over. We suggest Jaded, Veon, Tizeon, Fentium, Egium, Chipetium, and our personal favourite, Rodentium. Other variations are acceptable...

A hunting we shall be singing
As we sing our way out of another day, we'll offer up some speculative death-fest type musings. Our MAJOR story failed to make it's existence apparent, tommorow maybe. Otherwise we again remain at a loss. This is good however because it counters fetid speculation that some news items have been 'made up'. The lies! It's the other sites that lie, not we.

Moore - "See stuff appear throughout the day, magic!"

Coming sooner (possibly) - the whole rat thing. i.e. musical rat, conspiratory vermin & quite possibly elsemore (new word)