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Horror as Yeti's stage world takeover attempt
In a terrifying development of the whole Yeti domination saga, a 'group' of 50,000 armed Yeti's has invaded and gained control of Norway. Deposing the current premier, Yeti grandmaster Grrr Smmrr announced to a rembling world "Mrrrrrrrr, grrrrrr, brrrrrr". Translations vary from "Hello, I'm Grrr Smmrr" through "Hmmmmmm...." to the more likely "This is but a small step to our world domination plans, prepare to die hu-mans". A heavily transcribed note was handed to sturdy ferrymen which gave the free world 'two of our Earth months' of non-Yeti-attackingness before they decide to destroy us.

Speaking at a conference into cooker technology, a NATO spokesman announced "We have suspected Yeti incursions for some time now & have planned accordingly". When asked what the plans were he replied "Well, we didn't actually plan, but we are scared". Already fishermen have noticed a distinct lack of the common Norwegian fuzzy fish in the North Sea. "Bloody Yeti's" is the general consensus amongst those of seafaring leanings.

GM wheat kills barn
In an effort to prove the safety of GM food to the UK public, GM goliath Monsanto constructed a killer wheat and set it loose upon a Hertfordshire village. Little over three hours later, no one was left alive and a small nuclear device had to be detonated to destroy the rampaging plant. Monsanto guy, Brad Frost, announced "Turned out nice again".

Sailor doodle fools clevero's in mad coincidence racket
The Piri Reis map has today been exposed for what it actually is, a doodle of a horse by the sailor-type Turk. After many long months at sea, Admiral Reis had lost all ability to draw properly and hence the non-resemblance to anything equestrianally inclined. This was made apparent by a small squiggle in the bottom right hand corner of the 'map' in which is written "Bertie the stallion". Although this horse potrait bears a remarkable resemblance to the world of nigh on 10,000 years ago it is now apparent that this is a coincidence to rank as high as the time when a cow read a book. It was a good book though.

Chip-o-tastic revealed toaster-nerd spending spree
Yesterdays momentary editorial slip allowed an anti-Intel rat to post a message encouraging people to buy up pre-Intellian trademarks. Unfortunately a toaster repair man, Basil Yoghurt from a town with no name has applied for every single one of these and is using them as names for new types of toaster. "Thanks" he said "I'll make a mint". We think he is very stowpid and we have seen his plans for new toasters. We shall laugh heartily tonight.

Wavey Daisy, give me your answer do
In a pathetic attempt at world domination (which would be overshadowed by aforementioned Yeti upsurgence), IBM will today announce a radical new PC design, one made out of paper. This move, is to counter those made by Dell & Compaq who has released water and moon-rock PC's respectively. Indeed, Compaq's LunaPC has been so successful that the moon will be entirely used by early tommorow unless they stop. Dell have had slightly less luck though, 213 people have been electrocuted. IBM's move is seen as another step towards 'distributed computing' and a spokesman said "Now you can use your PC in bed, or on the toilet". How trivial...

Grrrrrrk Rrkss Smrgggkk passes comment
Above mentioned (but not repeated) Yeti luminary has announced the following exclusive to our rats, "Trrrrrrrrkk, Yuuuuuoodddd, Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkyygggkkrkkekwkdkkcvkvkbfkkk".

We hate being right
Oh deario, we appear to have sucessfully predicted a major going on and here it is. The world is to be invaded by Yeti's and we seem powerless to stop them. This is not at all good, wethinks. As for tommorow, surely some defence dudes must say something positive (even if it is a fouking lie). We also have a nasty feeling that Blatsplatboy may stick his arse (face) in. We hope the fouk not.

Coming sooner (possibly) - the whole rat thing. i.e. musical rat, conspiratory vermin & quite possibly elsemore (new word)