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Beef on rampage to stem fur flow
Todays shipment of rotten British beef (not fresh meat as the other 'news' will tell you) is intended for Norway, not a big party of celebratory type inklings. Yeti's, well known for their fondness of beef will be thrown huge pieces of decaying moo. It is hoped they will not notice the diseased, fetid and pestilence like nature of the meat and eat every last drop. Mass not-good-meat-sickness will set in, leaving allies a chance to liberate the poor Norwegians. Intriguing.

Mafiaso linked to cricketing chaos
It has been confirmed. Englands dire cricketing perfomances of late are limked to a huge crime syndicate who ruthlessly beat the team into submission with oranges before each match. The top two duo of this crime posse are known only as A and B. They have been likened to the Crays (once powerful supercomputers) though noone is quite sure why. Apparently if England would have won, the mafia-o-bloke-o's would have stood to lose £34 and several pence. Quite understandably this could not have been allowed to happen so top orange beaters were drafted in at the last minute.

Scary space life did not escape from prison
In news that will shake the world, aliens have been confirmed to have landed on Dartmoor some time last week. Surprisingly well covered-up for such an event the news was officially announced this morning at 11.10am (BST). A government spokesman announced, "It is true, a small group of aliens arrived on Dartmoor and have taken grass and moss samples to aid them in producing an evil army of the night". The cheerful tone of this announcement prevented most of the present journo's from realising that this was a bad thing. Our rat however is well trained in sceptical cynicism and asked a highly potent question along the lines of "Are they green?". The reply was nothing short of astounding, "The aliens are small, rectangular and make clicking noises. Apparently they communicate through seeds and breathe semi-skimmed milk. They also wield highly-explosive yellow rifles which are intent on obliterating humanity by themselves".

The aliens have now returned to their huge spindly ship which most likely orbits a pulsating blue space object and has lots of sine wave displays. Reports of people being abducted for experimentation and evil deeds on another world have been dismissed as "bollocks!" by a Russian farmer (part time only - main job is government spokesman). Apparently only people made of moss are in any danger. We helpfully pointed out that people such as these don't exist. The spokesman coughed uneasily so we thinks there is more here than the eye would like to meet.

In (un)related news (which is actually related), the League of Hatred Against Alien Invaders (or the snappily titled LoHAAI) responded by putting forward a four point plan outlining measures needed to stem the flow of evil-night-armies. We have helpfully reproduced these:

• Snakes must be made illegal
• Midnight excursions to solar observatories which orbit at less than 200,000 ft must be kept to a minimum
• World Moss Holdings, Inc is to be declared bankrupt pending public burning
• Anti-yellow weapons must be developed. Perhaps through some kind of en-er-gy field

Moon is hate-filled alien in disguise
It's not really - but we probably scared you for a bit then. Heh heh.

Aliens condone communism
Heh, got you again!

Tall fish assassinated
The communist nominee for next Russian top-dude, the nameless 'tall fish' has been assassinated near it's country retreat in the Ukraine. Speculation is rife that Yeltsin's 'Horse' was behind this hideous act (web page still here). Noone is coming forward from either side to make any kind of announcingness though police have confirmed they are talking to "voices, they us everything". More as, and following in traditional style, when.

Not stereo as you may think
Hmmmmmmmmmm... Today also marks the day that e.rat went Hi-Fidelity (you did see him at the top didn't you, idio?). We also got some new funko text stoof too. Don't be worrying yourself, a new designio is being worked upon to remove some of the "this is a damn exam paper site" element. Nowt too flashy mind you - we are rats after all.

Voices tell police where to find assassin
Acting under the influences of noncy voices in their heads, Russian police have arrested four goats found in a truck bound for outer space. The goats, all believed to be in their mid twenties, sport fake beards and huge sniper rifles - the latter kind of being damning evidence for the tall fish case. The goats are now being escorted back to Russia in an armed convoy and will eventually be made to take the police "to their leader".

Grrrrrrrrrrr... announcement made at ignorance to Y-Language
We thought we might let you report on this for us, but then we thought better. A little known Yeti pig-lord has criticised world ignorance to the beauty of the Yeti language. Perhaps they would receive more respect and understanding if they ceased in their world domination conquests.

Heat wave marks end of sanctions on broken porridge
Premier porridge zealots, Quaker Oaty, can now return to shipping their infamous BROKEN PORRIDGE. Hailed as "porridge with bits of glass, filth and vile ooze in it", BP retails for less than a penny (hence it's popularity). It was however declared illegal in response to a cooling out of the summer. Some 4,000 tonnes of slurrymeal were lost as a result of this. Now that the sun has returned and is shining it's merry way back the ban has been lifted. A quaker himself was delighted at the news, "We had to fight tooth & nail for this".

News non-impressive repeating projected
Hmm... It's gonna be hard to top this news tommorow, especially given the truly once-in-a-race-time occurence with the aliens. We might expect to hear more about the goats who are the suspected assassins of the tall fish and maybe we will find out who was behind the whole dastardly deed. Apart from the cultural outburst, Yeti's were thin on the ground today (which is undoubtedly a "good thing"). Ah well, you'll just have to wait & see what our rats turn up. It was also fun scaring the fouk out of you with our moon-aline/alien-communist japes. Heh heh...

Coming sooner (possibly) - the whole rat thing. i.e. musical rat, conspiratory vermin & quite possibly elsemore (new word)