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Goats bleat 'ratting' on Grtt
Following on from yesterdays arresting of the four goats suspected of assassinating the communist tall fish, the goarts are reported to have 'bleated' and revealed their leader. Known only as Grtt - this has sparked fears of possible Yeti involvement but the main suspect remains Yelso's Horse (web page not to be plugged again). Regular readers will be aware that Yeltsin is eager to get his own Horse elected as next Russian PM-bloke. Grrt could of course be an alias and enquiries (torture) are continuing.

Crop circles form in buildings
In a bizarre twist to the whole crop circle saga, strange formations have started to appear in brickwork across Somerset. Obvious links have been made to aliens but the crayon-like nature of the drawings suggests that idle laybout hooligans are responsible. Toddlers are being interrogated but are more than a match for the hardened detectives questioning them. A local man was confused "This isn't Somerset" he said. He was quite right but for the purposes of this item...

Fin blues - shark protests innocence
Stig Brunel of Finland today became officially the worlds blueist man. 46 year old Stig from a small village known as Polonium decided it would be fun to bathe in a cartoon ocean. After several hours he found himself bright blue, the fouking idiot. "This is great" he commented, "I can do so much more now... like... housing". We would blame poor translation but those were his exact words. Sorry, no they weren't his exact words. Replace the "I can do" part with "It's fitting that in this way". Though you'll understand why we changed it.

Mail order death, disease in stampede cheapness fiasco
Littlewoods has today launched, amidst intense public interest, it's 'catalogue of errors'. Not quite your average collection of broken bits and left overs, this catalogue lists amongst it's items used nuclear fuel rods, ICBM's, APC's and HMS Invincible. It's not exclusively weapons of mass destruction though, there are dangerous electrical items which are soggy, frozen animals, small black holes, Greek salt and some kind of paper monster. An initial special offer event was massively over-subscribed. One happy customer said "I would have had to pay a lot more for this from Tesco", walking away with his vial of nerve gas.

FTL fish in kid pulling failure
A meddlesome kid from Humberside has become the first person to successfully turn a living fish into pure energy. This amazing feat was achieved by using a combination of cogs, string and suchonwards (new word). "It's great" said the kid, "This'll impress Claire". It didn't though, she dismissed him as an idiot (something would we have to agree with). His idea has already been stolen by a professor of advanced fish science at Keele university who will use it to his own [no doubt] evil ends.

30 billion semi-skimmed please, sir
A cloud of milk 5,000 times the size of the Sun has been spotted in the distant reaches of space. "Thats one bastard of a cow!" was the scientific opinion of Arthur C Clarke who is helping with plans to construct a giant straw for tapping in to this almost endless supply of moo juice. The project however has already hit a snag. Tower of Babel activists who almost scuppered the rocket launch as reported the "other day", have levelled the same criticism at this huge straw. "The world will explode if anyone builds this tower, straw or whatever you want to call it". We suggest a twirly funky straw design so to reduce the tower like appearance and prevent big fiery eviction into the cosmos.

Ooh - why didn't we think of that, idiot-boy?
An anonymous tipster has given one of our rats an intriguing clue to the tall fish assassination. Apparently Grtt when read backwards is Ttrg. This is truly remarkable and we doubt we would still exist if this stowpid fouk hadn't bothered to open their pointless foolish mouth and spurt the biggest load of goose-ridden practi-crap in the history of ratkind.

Banana type mixup twice
Ah, another editorial slip there, allowing an enraged rat to post about an anonymous tipster in highly abusive styly. Perhaps he was insane or maybe there is some truth in the whole Ttrg thing. We shall but see in wordly futures...

It's been broken...
Hang on... Nope, okay, it's fixed now.

1st man: What about tommorow? 2nd man: I dunno
With the good old 1st man, 2nd man routine we shall round off the day by offering tripe for tommorow. Or alternatively we can just guess at what might happen. Who is this assassin mastermind then? Will we find out more? Who can say how long goats can hold out for... Ergle-o-reasoning apart we cant think what else may continue to happen. Strange that...

Coming sooner (possibly) - the whole rat thing. i.e. musical rat, conspiratory vermin & quite possibly elsemore (new word)