Archive | Conspiratory vermin | feedback form | mailing list link to us * * * inquisitor winning chance! * * *

e.rat sweeps floor but not in caretaker capacity
electric rat cleared up at last nights electric rat awards in London. We were winners of the electric rat award, rat news and best use of the word 'electric rat' awards. As the only nominee, we faced tough competition from noone and were ultimately dismayed to win. Given the hijinks of such a ceremony, some rats took it upon themselves to get very drunk and sail boats. You may have to excuse them today.

Food-sounding police mount heroic nonsensical something
Siege! Yes, there is a siege underway, probably in Kiev. Russki police have reportedly gathered further information from the captive goats. We can however reveal that this is a fetid lie. The siege is not taking place at all and definitely not in Kiev. Well, in actual fact the police are using this as a cover. The operation they are trying to cover up is actually a siege and this will be taking place in Thailand. We can also reveal that this is also another cover (given the top secret nature of this) for something occurring in Kiev. We believe this to be a siege, in Belgium.

Moon reinforces shock-hold on populace by doing one
In a worse-than-finding-out-it-was-small shock, we can today reveal (as if you haven't seen it) that the moon has disappeared. All over the world astronomers are searching rampantly for a sign of the little rock. One astronomer, Patrick Moore said "It's ridiculous, there cannot be little green men on Jupiter - it's full of gas and fire, and stuff". Another was more helpful, "It's gone!", but not that helpful. Possible causes include rogue computer hoarder (Compaq) who was ruthlessly peddling moon-rock computers until a huge rhino forced them to stop.

Self confessed 'man in the moon', Buzz Aldrin, has also released a statement - "Perhaps there was no moon to begin with. Maybe we all had collective images of a satellite that didn't exist". Then asked what it was he claims to have walked upon he replied "You still believe that!? Oh, er... yeah... the moon...". Fellow moon-walker (who never actually did anything like that) Dr Walker of Sherwood forest has proposed a laser that will gouge the heavens and hopefully destroy any marauding aliens. Any exploding evil spindly ships would no doubt glow for days and reveal the moon if it was hiding. A mad idea truly but one that might just work.

An emergency conference is being held under the sea. Unfortunately due to the non-tidal nature of the oceans at this time, members are having great difficulty in getting there. We suggest they refrain from kayaks and rafts. One industry analyst described it as "the end of our world". Don't worry though, he was talking about the imminent backruptcy of his porn company.

Washed up Frenchmen
Blocks of wood, which appear to be broken for no good reason, have started being washed ashore on the coast of France. "Sacre Bleu!" would be the response we would expect from the French. It is entirely possible they did say that but we didn't want to talk to them. It is only the fifth such occurence in the last 350 years since broken wood records began. Alarmingly the French are said to be considering some kind of so-called nuclear deterrent to prevent further hostile Le Wood attacks. Angry protestors have barricaded local town halls around the country and some have even covered the buildings in rice or even margarine.

People scared by being told not to be
A man in Canada has sparked controversy worldwide by shouting "Don't panic!" without any reason for doing so whatsoever. The man was alone in a very green field prior to his outburst. Canadian authorities have placed the country on alert until they can figure out what it is and whether we really don't need to panic. Around the world investigations are continuing though noone is getting any closer.

Herror Tero's
The terrorists responsible for the ill-fated kidnapping of Sep Blatter have been hailed as heroes in their native New Zealand. The idio-communists are still in hiding (reportedly somewhere near a hill) but will be presented with medals upon thweir eventual return. New Zealand semi-premier, Norbert Nodge proclaimed "These men are national treasures and should be shiny". Obviously this fouk was elected on the humourous merits of his name, not his intelligence (which must surely rank up along the great Blattster himself.

Starry starry... or will it?
As we leave for another day we have been struck down by a thought (relating to non-moon induced darkness). Ne'er mind, we shall instead blagg about tommorow. Will we find the moon? Will The Russians find their man (Horse?)? Or will the French have caused us all to die in trying to clean their beaches? Time shall tell (or it could lie, so we will tell instead). Remember the rat, don't ever forget it...

Coming sooner (possibly) - the whole rat thing. i.e. musical rat, conspiratory vermin & quite possibly elsemore (new word)