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Barren days blamed on swimming
Erkle, Arkle, Breckle and other sea shanties. We too noticed that you have lacked news since the 26th and we can only admit to sheer blind drunkeness. We would blame a lack of worthy news but given that Poland exploded on Friday, we cant. We can only make ludicrous promises about future updates, which we wont. Hmmmm... anyways, on with tha stuff...

Non arctic neighbours clear dust and shock themselves
Following the non-reported on explosion of Poland on Friday, the countries neighbouring Poland are sending in mind probes to scour the tortured landscape for strangely coloured coal. This bizarre side effect of fossil fuel would power a new generation of blue cars (painted green). Blue party spokesman said this "Blu is like Blue, but Bluer". We hope you understand this.

Hotmail hacked by itself
AS the other news would have you believe (like you were some kind of lemur), Hotmail was hacked by outside villains intent on pointing out security problems. Lie! Hotmail was hacked by itself in the first large scale manifestation of the 'Mad server disease', Conflagration. The first symptom is as happened here (big email opening up catastrophes), this is followed by huge flames (of the fiery kind) and an outcome similar to China syndrome. Hotmail users are being subliminally advised to cease use of the service lest they die a fiery death at the hands of web based email.

Flashing update on whole Horse-Fish death triangle
You may be wondering what you have missed in the ongoing tall fish saga, well not much to be perfectly Frank T Rat. The two escapee goats remain unfound though sightings are now reported as far afield as Cambridge and a medium sized asteroid. The police are yet to force feed themselves any further information from the remaining goats though they are said to be near breaking point and no longer bear the ingenious brick disguise. Reports are rife that communists are to be drafted in to carry oput punishment beatings on all farmers in Russia. The relevance of this has yet to be uncovered but it should prove interesting.

Golden Fleece merchant sold arms to stranger
Jason Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, go-er nought of Greece became a harmless twig today after ingesting Cyyyyyy, clo pops deadly cereal additive in minute quantities. Speaking at a rally of coasters in Athens, a stone proclaimed "Trek, Trok and other ghastly beings". Twig as mentioned is now 'Exhibitus Maximus' at the Musem o' th' Sun, somewhere in Greece.

Pseudo hammer scram replaces ludicrous with unthinkable
The hammer le hero's who had vowed to overthrow the urn presiding over France have done just that. As of 12.57 BST today, Le Urn is now merely broken pottery and all dreams of a hand crafted ornamental world oligopoly are now just dusty grits. More surprising however is the replacement - some straw. Unlike the urn, this straw possesses no cognitive abilities and doesn't even dribble properly. One can only guess the reasoning behind this appointment but further attempts for the not-so-throne look likely.

Conspiring to nothing - YES THERE IS!
Aha! Possibly... Conspiracy has been rattled and has now updated to necessitate the adding of a further conspiringly adept item. In non-rat-o-sopther type speak, there is a new conspiracy (kind of) here, click to ingest, or just read it.

No mad nomads here, matey
Australia has today passed a troubling new law which floods out beyond it's original intentions. Drawn up to prevent bands of roaming vikings from destroying happy sand villages, the law is suitably obscure so as to make any movement illegal and punishable by rhythym death. Not sure what this rhythym death is but possibly death to some kind of soothing/torturous music.

The usual? Nah, double it
To the morrow we say in distinctly Robert Hode style. Sharpening our arrows and shunning castles for fields we proudly proclaim our predictions for the day which followeth this one. Further developments in tall fish story are almost inevitable now (it's been going on for some time). The moon has managed to keep a low profile and long may it continue. Sep is but a distant hideous memory. We are beginning to doubt the need for such a place... hang on, what the fouk does that mean!? What we should say is 'Is there any point in this section?'. All we ever do is end up saying WE DONT HAVE A FOUKING CLUE WHAT THE FOUK WILL HAPPEN TOMMOROW, OKAY?. There, rage expelled, we think that says it all really...

Coming sooner (possibly) - the whole rat thing. i.e. musical rat, conspiratory vermin & quite possibly elsemore (new word)