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Damnably encrusted with the jewels of a thousand nights, the conspiratory vrmin will prove that everything is wool and your eyes combing to provide a stupidly obese view of a corrupt and conspiring world of death-ray-cheese-nonsense that none of you can see.

Small is big (discovered 14:34, 15th Aug 1999)
Have you ever heard the phrase "Read the small print"? Of course, this merry sea shanty has been sung around many offices over the decades, but, have you ever actually checked the chemical properties of the paper you are signing? I think not, you fouking freaks. Little knowny* (*hey nonny) to you is the furious fact that this is an extraordinary and highly scary plot by the worlds top governments and supermarkets to destroy 1/3 of the worlds population and change the rest into harmless dwarves.

Let us start with the basics. Sometime in the past ten years, the UK, US, Russian and Red Chinese governments conspired with Tesco, Asda, Wal-Mart and a string of friendly newsagents to turn the general populace into non-complaining mindless wimbots. Unfortunately there were too many people so a third have to be destroyed. Once this is done, the supermarkets are free to hike up prices and the newsagents will form vigilante troupes and randomly pillage forests. The governments, of course, are free to conduct evil alien tests on us and reap muchio tax havenness from grocery sales.

The recent Wal-Mart->Asda deal marks a terrifying step forward as they enter what is known as Phase 2. This secondary phase involves the infiltrating of small print to destroy the third of unluckly peoples. The small print is to be printed on a special form of paper which only grows in the Cydonia region of Mars and the major general idea is that by signing said paper you enter into a binding contract with scary green Martians who will take you to Cydonia and cut you into small pieces, which will hurt.

Once this is complete we will enter Phase 3, this involves mass induced semi-smoking in a effort to miniturise the population and have them grow dwarf beards at which point they will sit on mushrooms with a fishing rod and become gnomes. Hmmm... gnomes...

Protecting youself type advice & stuff
The best way to avoid destruction on Mars would be to chemically analyse every bit of small print before signing it, or alternatively never sign anything again, for a bit. Avoiding Phase 3 is slightly more difficult and involves you living in orbit for nineteen years. Quite how you accomplish this is up to you but we suggest building a raft of some description and blocking of canals until sometime tells you to move. That would be excellent.

Coming sooner (possibly) - the whole rat thing. i.e. musical rat & quite possibly elsemore (new word)