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Likened to that which dare not speak it's name, a dumb grass perhaps, the conspiratory vermin is manifesting itself to chill the murky waters of your bruised mind. Shouting in whispers and yawning in riddles, you cant escape the horrible truth, no indeed, but can you escape the nice truth? You oak yodling fouk! What kind of a life do you want to lead?

Prophecy! This word has been used a lot recently. Good old Nosto (if that is his real name) predicted stuff which greasy porn merchants were quick to adopt but failed undeniably in a sea of frothing wrongfulness. We have however uncovered a stack of scarily truthful (fulfilled) prophecies made by ancient charlatan, Brigg 'Bones' Benson (1456-1501). For the sake of explaining what thew fouk we are talking about, here they are:

• And hark! Shall come furry one, fiery one and shaky one - Many meanings could be placed on this but most striking is the similarity to the great Volcano-Yeti-Earthquake disaster of 1966.
• I see the sky full less than half in an area near my feet - Accurately predicts our revealing that the moon is small and only just above sea level.
• Clarity shall come to those who drink copius in the blue city - Possibly refers to the goblet crowned King of England in Coventry during a drunken celebration in 1748.
• White rose shall bludgeon red, with tree not sword - Cricket?
• Darkness falls when hay is made false idol - Undoubtedly refers to the sunken city of Yolastan near Turkey whose residents worshipped hay and fell off cliffs at night.

Okay enoughs but what of the future. Unsurprisingly, B 'B' B had a couple not yet fulfilled so here they are:

• When pegasus striketh aquarius, doom to capricorn - An horrificly accurate representation of the Horse-Tall fish-Goat assassination soap opera goings on? Seems likely-so.
• White hand shall don hairless glove and world misery in it's wake - Not got a clue. Yeti's have white hands though, could a new conquest be underway?

So there you have it, the prophecies of a mad man. Of course he also got some wrong with particularly arse-brainedly silly results. We shall bring these to you in the next week.

Just because you aren't paranoid, doesn't mean that huge monster wont eat you (because it will)...