May 04, 2006
WHAT HAS WE NOT
YOU DONE LATELY?
Short explanation begs for long footnotes
"OK enough of the newspaper format. The pretend stories and
meaningless yak are beginning to bring me down. Everyone get off my
cloud!" he said fiercely, miming the throwing of an imaginary chair
at a pretend camera.
"So anyway, lately the majority of my time has been
spent creating music videos for various bands which I've
mostly been trying to make mostly to boost my self-worth," he continued.
"And furthermore, my life seems more and
more pointless and this sudden desperate rush of half-baked creativity
is merely a way of demonstrating this. A cry for help if you will,"
he concluded bitterly.
A full transcript of this conversation could not
be located.
Feb 10, 2006
REVENGE WORTH
ALL THE WOOL
New venture takes shape of music
The brand new Nanas Revenge website is now up and running, created
and maintained by Finctank. The site features a revolutionary new navigation
system which, aptly, revolves.
Nanas Revenge are a four-piece knitpunk band (originally from
the inner workings of Cumbria) now residing in sunny Leeds.
Apostrophe Catastrophe
They flatly refuse to include an apostrophe to demonstrate the
ownership of the Revenge to the Nana, so the concept can be easily misconstrued
as the revenge of someone called 'Nanas'.
It logically follows that Nanas is probably angry because people
keep spelling his name with an apostrophe and make him sound
like he belongs to an old woman. Having said that, if I were him I'd
rather be confused with belonging to a grandma than being a collective
of them.
Of course, even if the concept of Nanas Revenge referred
to a group of vengeful old ladies, the apostrophe would still be present
at the end of the word eg. Nanas' Revenge.
It has been stipulated by some that the complete omission
of apostrophes is to avoid any such lengthy conversations about correct
placement.
Go now! Listen to their music.
> www.nanasrevenge.co.uk
<
Oct 22, 2005
IDENTITY FRAUD
HITS FINCTANK
Logo Back; Culprit Large
Panic broke out at the Finctank office yesterday when it was revealed
that the award-winning groundbreaking site-head logo had been stolen.
Net chiefs believe that the logo may have been used to obtain recognition
by deception. They are looking into possible reasons why the logo, which
vanished just over a week ago, vanished.
The Online Ombudsman has reviewed the case and has agreed to pay compensation
to Finctank of 48p. This is to cover chocolate costs caused by undue
anxiety.
A Finctank representative said yesterday, "This money is some comfort
for us with the ordeal we have been through and all that. However, money
alone will not heal the wounds caused by this warped act of impurgatunity
against our name."
A spokesman for the OED added, "There is no such word as 'impurgatunity'.
Therefore, an administrative charge will be levied upon the owners of
Finctank as our standard Dictionary Consultation Fee. The English Language
has existed for millions of years and we would rather be skewered on
a sharpened majenstave than see our great institution besmirched. Furthermore,
with reference to article 13.6 of..." The statement went on for
several pages, a preçis of which can be found in the minutes
of the Online Ombudsman's lunch box, jelly section.
Oct 19, 2005
CHUMBA VIDEO
MELTS SERVER
Mr. Kakoshka, It Just Happened Again
Overwhelming demand to view long-lost music video On
eBay led to the meltdown of one computer server this week.
Two others had to be snapped into little pieces and fed to some knurly
pigeons.
The animated video, taken from Chumbawamba's second-newest album
Un, featured at Bradford Animation Festival and was nominated for the
McLaren Animation Award at the Edinburgh International Film Festival
in 2004.
The video, which aired on German music television in between
David Hasselhoff and Queensryche, also reportedly reached Number 3 in
the Usbekistani music video charts before coming under heavy ignorance
from the UN.
Normal service will be resumed eventually.
Oct 13, 2005
MOUTHFUL
TAKES BISCUIT
New Material Materializes
Unlegendary musical prop Mouthful Of Biscuit has today unleashed
new waves of sound.
To input this data to your brain, you must move quickly to the
ears gratification area. If you have the navigational skills of a dead
bird, you may fly directly to the sound.
If you're still asking yourself "Who the hell
are Mouthful Of Biscuit anyway?" then don't ask me, I just work
here.
And if you're going that way, also check out the new hearables
from electrocrumble
stalwart The Endorphin. The new EP ThrowAway is available now.
Oct 02, 2005
POVERTY PUTS
PROJECT IN PITS
Confidence On The Wane
The artist and well-known misanthropist Finlay Costello was yesterday
threatened with admission to a correctional facility after progress
on his latest project took a turn for the worse. New animated piece
"Behind You" was put on hold after a lack of the most valuable
commodities made working conditions impossible.
Time, money and inclination have all been cited as possible reasons
for the momentum halt.
Earlier on this month extreme financial poverty forced the artist
into attempting to sell his teeth on Ebay, sparking a drastic mental
helix-shaped downward spiral of confidence loss. This was reportedly
caused by an overwhelming sense of needing to earn money to survive,
which in turn adversely affected the amount of time that could be allotted
to the project.
It is estimated that for every day the artist is not working on
some form of animation he will lose 2.5% of his overall self-belief.
Using this figure the date at which negativity will peak can be predicted,
taking into account days spent stacking shelves, the depreciation of
previous animated works in the eyes of his rapidly diminishing audience
and the onset of wintery dark nights.
It is forecast that mid-January will be the darkest
point for the artist, which is in accord with figures from previous
years.
A press release from Finctank yesterday stated that
"the only way up was down" and that "the imminent onslaught
of Christmas did not help the situation".
The Finctank Filter will, of course, keep you updated
as and when events unfold.
