LIFE AND DIARY
OF
THE REV. DAVID
BRAINERD:
WITH
NOTES AND
REFLECTIONS.
PREFACE.
THERE
are two ways of representing and recommending true religion and virtue
to the world; the one, by doctrine and precept; the other, by instance
and example; both are abundantly used in the Holy Scriptures. Not
only are the grounds, nature, design, and importance of religion clearly
exhibited in the doctrines of Scripture--its exercise and practice
plainly delineated, and abundantly enforced, in its commands and counsels--but
there we have many excellent examples of religion, in its power
and practice, set before us, in the histories both of the Old and New Testament.
JESUS
CHRIST, the great Prophet of God, when he came to be “the light
of the world”--to teach and enforce true religion, in a greater degree
than ever had been before--made use of both these methods. In his doctrine,
he not only declared the mind and will of God--the nature and properties
of that virtue which becomes creatures of our make and in our circumstances--more
clearly and fully than ever it had been before; and more powerfully enforced
it by what he declared of the obligations and inducements to holiness;
but he also in his own practice gave a most perfect example
of the virtue he taught. He exhibited to the world such an illustrious
pattern of humility, divine love, discreet zeal, self-denial, obedience,
patience, resignation, fortitude, meekness, forgiveness, compassion, benevolence,
and universal holiness, as neither men nor angels ever saw before.
God
also in his providence has been wont to make use of both
these methods to hold forth light to mankind, and inducements to their
duty, in all ages. He has from time to time raised up eminent teachers,
to exhibit and bear testimony to the truth by their doctrine, and
to oppose the errors, darkness, and wickedness of the world; and he has
also raised up some eminent persons who have set bright examples
of that religion which is taught and prescribed in the word of God; whose
examples have, in the course of divine providence, been set forth to public
view. These have a great tendency both to engage the attention of men to
the doctrines and rules taught, and also to confirm and enforce them; especially
when these bright examples have been exhibited in the same persons
who have been eminent teachers. Hereby the world has had opportunity
to see a confirmation of the truth, efficacy, and amiableness of the religion
taught, in the practice of the same persons who have most clearly and forcibly
taught it; and above all, when these bright examples have been set by eminent
teachers, in a variety of unusual circumstances of remarkable trial;
and when God has withal remarkably distinguished them with wonderful
success of their instructions and labours.
Such
an instance we have in the excellent person, whose life is
published in the following pages. His example is attended with a great
variety of circumstances tending to engage the attention of religious people,
especially in these parts of the world. He was one of distinguished natural
abilities; as all are sensible, who had acquaintance with him. As a minister
of the gospel, he was called to unusual services in that work; and his
ministry was attended with very remarkable and unusual events. His course
of religion began before the late times of extraordinary religious
commotion; yet he was not an idle spectator, but had a near concern in
many things that passed at that time. He had a very extensive acquaintance
with those who have been the subjects of the late religious operations,
in places far distant, in people of different nations, education, manners,
and customs. He had a peculiar opportunity of acquaintance with the false
appearances and counterfeits of religion; was the instrument of a most
remarkable awakening, a wonderful and abiding alteration and moral transformation
of subjects who peculiarly render the change rare and astonishing.
In
the following account, the reader will have an opportunity to see, not
only what were the external circumstances and remarkable incidents
of the life of this person, and how he spent his time from day to day,
as to his external behaviour; but also what passed in his own heart.
Here he will see the wonderful change he experienced in his mind
and disposition, the manner in which that change was brought to pass, how
it continued, what were its consequences in his inward frames, thoughts,
affections, and secret exercises, through many vicissitudes and trials,
for more than eight years.
He
will also see, how all ended at last, in his sentiments, frame, and behaviour,
during a long season of the gradual and sensible approach of death, under
a lingering illness; and what were the effects of his religion in dying
circumstances, or in the last stages of his illness. The account being
written, the reader may have opportunity at his leisure to compare the
various parts of the story, and deliberately to view and weigh the whole,
and consider how far what is related is agreeable to the dictates
of right reason and the holy word of God.
314
PREFACE.
I
am far from supposing, that Mr. Brainerd’s inward exercises and experiences,
or his external conduct, were free from all imperfections. The example
of Jesus Christ is the only example that ever existed in
human nature as altogether perfect; which therefore is a rule to try all
other examples by; and the dispositions, frames, and practices of others
must be commended and followed no further, than they were followers
of Christ.
There
is one thing in Mr. Brainerd, easily discernible by the following account
of his life, which may be called an imperfection in him, which--though
not properly an imperfection of a moral nature, yet--may possibly
be made an objection against the extraordinary appearances of religion
and devotion in him, by such as seek for objections against every thing
that can be produced in favour of true vital religion; and that is, that
he was, by his constitution and natural temper, so prone to melancholy
and dejection of spirit. There are some who think that all serious
strict religion is a melancholy thing, and that what is called christian
experience, is little else besides melancholy vapours disturbing
the brain, and exciting enthusiastic imaginations. But that Mr. Brainerd’s
temper or constitution inclined him to despondency, is no just ground to
suspect his extraordinary devotion to be only the fruit of a warm
imagination. I doubt not but that all who have well observed mankind, will
readily grant, that not all who by their natural constitution or temper
are most disposed to dejection, are the most susceptive of lively
and strong impressions on their imagination, or the most subject to those
vehement affections, which are the fruits of such impressions. But they
must well know, that many who are of a very gay and sanguine
natural temper are vastly more so; and if their affections are turned into
a religious channel, are much more exposed to enthusiasm, than many
of the former. As to Mr. Brainerd in particular, notwithstanding his inclination
to despondency, he was evidently one of those who usually are the furthest
from a teeming imagination; being of a penetrating genius, of clear thought,
of close reasoning, and a very exact judgment; as all know, who knew him.
As he had a great insight into human nature, and was very discerning
and judicious in general; so he excelled in his judgment and knowledge
in divinity, but especially in things appertaining to inward experimental
religion. He most accurately distinguished between real, solid piety, and
enthusiasm; between those affections that are rational and scriptural--having
their foundation in light and judgment--and those that are founded in whimsical
conceits, strong impressions on the imagination, and vehement emotions
of the animal spirits. He was exceedingly sensible of men’s exposedness
to these things; how much they had prevailed, and what multitudes had been
deceived by them; of their pernicious consequences, and the fearful mischief
they had done in the christian world. He greatly abhorred such a religion,
and was abundant in bearing testimony against it, living and dying; and
was quick to discern when any thing of that nature arose, though in its
first buddings, and appearing under the most fair and plausible disguises.
He had a talent for describing the various workings of this imaginary,
enthusiastic
religion--evincing its falseness and vanity, and demonstrating
the great difference between this and true spiritual devotion--which
I scarcely ever knew equalled in any person.
His
judiciousness did not only appear in distinguishing among the experiences
of others, but also among the various exercises of his own mind;
particularly in discerning what within himself was to be laid to the score
of melancholy; in which he exceeded all melancholy persons that
ever I was acquainted with. This was doubtless owing to a peculiar strength
in his judgment; for it is a rare thing indeed, that melancholy
people are well sensible of their own disease, and fully convinced that
such and such things are to be ascribed to it, as are its genuine operations
and fruits. Mr. Brainerd did not obtain that degree of skill at once, but
gradually; as the reader may discern by the following account of his life.
In the former part of his religious course, he imputed much
of that kind of gloominess of mind and those dark thoughts to spiritual
desertion, which in the latter part of his life he was abundantly sensible
were owing to the disease of melancholy; accordingly he often
expressly speaks of them in his diary as arising from this cause. He often
in conversation spoke of the difference between melancholy and godly sorrow,
true humiliation and spiritual desertion, and the great danger of mistaking
the one for the other, and the very hurtful nature of melancholy; discoursing
with great judgment upon it, and doubtless much more judiciously for what
he knew by his own experience.
But
besides what may be argued from Mr. Brainerd’s strength of judgment, it
is apparent in fact, that he was not a person of a warm imagination.
His inward experiences, whether in his convictions or his conversion, and
his religious views and impressions through the course of his life, were
not excited by strong and lively images formed in his imagination; nothing
at all appears of it in his diary from beginning to end. He told
me on his death-bed, that although once, when he was very young in years
and experience, he was deceived into a high opinion of such things--looking
on them as superior attainments in religion, beyond what he had ever arrived
at--was ambitious of them, and earnestly sought them; yet he never could
obtain them. He moreover declared, that he never in his life had a strong
impression on his imagination, of any outward form, external glory, or
any thing of that nature; which kind of impressions abound among enthusiastic
people.
As
Mr. Brainerd’s religious impressions, views, and affections in their nature
were vastly different from enthusiasm; so were their effects
in him as contrary to it as possible. Nothing like enthusiasm puffs
men up with a high conceit of their own wisdom, holiness, eminence,
and sufficiency; and makes them so bold, forward, assuming, and arrogant.
But the reader will see, that Mr. Brainerd’s religion constantly disposed
him to a most mean thought of himself, an abasing sense of his own
exceeding sinfulness, deficiency, unprofitableness, and ignorance; looking
on himself as worse than others; disposing him to universal benevolence
and meekness; in honour to prefer others, and to treat all with kindness
and respect. And when melancholy
prevailed, and though the effects
of it were very prejudicial to him, yet it had not the effects of enthusiasm;
but operated by dark and discouraging thoughts of himself, as ignorant,
wicked, and wholly unfit for the work of the ministry, or even to be seen
among mankind. Indeed, at the time forementioned, when he had not learned
well to distinguish between enthusiasm and solid religion, he joined, and
kept company with, some who were tinged with no small degree of the former.
For a season he partook with them in a degree of their dispositions and
behaviours; though, as was observed before, he could not obtain those things
wherein their enthusiasm itself consisted, and so could not become
like them in that respect, however he erroneously desired and sought it.
But certainly it is not at all to be wondered at, that a youth, a young
convert, one who had his heart so swallowed up in religion, and who so
earnestly desired his flourishing state--and who had so little opportunity
for reading, observation, and experience--should for a while be dazzled
and deceived with the glaring appearances of mistaken devotion and zeal;
especially considering the extraordinary circumstances of that day. He
told me on his death-bed, that while he was in these circumstances he was
out of his element, and did violence to himself, while complying, in his
conduct, with persons of a fierce and imprudent zeal, from his great veneration
of some whom he looked upon as better than himself. So that it would be
very unreasonable, that his error at that time should nevertheless be esteemed
a just ground of prejudice against the whole of his religion, and his character
in general; especially considering, how greatly his mind soon changed,
and how exceedingly he afterwards lamented his error, and abhorred himself
for his imprudent zeal and misconduct at that time, even to the breaking
of his heart, and almost to the overbearing of his natural strength; and
how much of a christian spirit he showed, in condemning himself for that
misconduct, as the reader will see.
What
has been now mentioned of Mr. Brainerd, is so far from being a just ground
of prejudice against what is related in the following account of his life,
that, if duly considered, it will render the history the more serviceable.
For by his thus joining for a season with enthusiasts, he had a
more full and intimate acquaintance with what belonged to that
PREFACE
315
sort
of religion; and so was under better advantages to judge of the difference
between that, and what he finally approved, and strove to his utmost to
promote, in opposition to it. And hereby the reader has the more to convince
him that Mr. Brainerd, in his testimony against it, and the spirit and
behaviour of those who are influenced by it, speaks from impartial conviction,
and not from prejudice; because therein he openly condemns his own former
opinion and conduct, on account of which he had greatly suffered from his
opposers, and for which some continued to reproach him as long as he lived.
Another
imperfection in Mr. Brainerd, which may be observed in the following account
of his life, was his being excessive in his labours; not taking
due care to proportion his fatigues to his strength. Indeed the case was
very often such, by the seeming calls of Providence, as made it extremely
difficult for him to avoid doing more than his strength would well admit
of; yea, his circumstances and the business of his mission among the Indians
were such, that great fatigues and hardships were altogether inevitable.
However, he was finally convinced, that he had erred in this matter, and
that he ought to have taken more thorough care, and been more resolute
to withstand temptations to such degrees of labour as injured his health;
and accordingly warned his brother, who succeeds him in his mission, to
be careful to avoid this error.
Besides
the imperfections already mentioned, it is readily allowed, that there
were some imperfections which ran through his whole life, and were mixed
with all his religious affections and exercises; some mixture of what was
natural with that which was spiritual; as it evermore is in the best saints
in this world. Doubtless, natural temper had some influence in the religious
exercises and experiences of Mr. Brainerd, as there most apparently was
in the exercises of devout David, and the apostles Peter, John, and Paul.
There was undoubtedly very often some influence of his natural disposition
to dejection, in his religious mourning; some mixture of melancholy with
truly godly sorrow and real christian humility; some mixture of the natural
fire of youth with his holy zeal for God; and some influence of natural
principles mixed with grace in various other respects, as it ever was and
ever will be with the saints while on this side heaven. Perhaps none were
more sensible of Mr. Brainerd’s imperfections than he himself; or could
distinguish more accurately than he, between what was natural and what
was spiritual. It is easy for the judicious reader to observe, that his
graces ripened, the religious exercises of his heart became more and more
pure, and he more and more distinguished in his judgment, the longer he
lived: he had much to teach and purify him, and he failed not to make his
advantage.
But
notwithstanding all these imperfections, I am persuaded every pious and
judicious reader will acknowledge, that what is here set before him is
indeed a remarkable instance of true and eminent christian piety in heart
and practice--tending greatly to confirm the reality of vital religion,
and the power of godliness--that it is most worthy of imitation, and many
ways calculated to promote the spiritual benefit of the careful observer.
It
is fit the reader should be aware, that what Mr. Brainerd wrote in his
diary, out of which the following account of his life is chiefly
taken, was written only for his own private use, and not to get honour
and applause in the world, nor with any design that the world should ever
see it, either while he lived or after his death; excepting some few things
that he wrote in a dying state, after he had been persuaded, with difficulty,
not entirely to suppress all his private writings. He showed himself almost
invincibly averse to the publishing of any part of his diary after
his death; and when he was thought to be dying at Boston, he gave the most
strict, peremptory orders to the contrary. But being by some of his friends
there prevailed upon to withdraw so strict and absolute a prohibition,
he was pleased finally to yield so far as that “his papers should be left
in my hands, that I might dispose of them as I thought would be most for
God’s glory and the interest of religion.”
But
a few days before his death, he ordered some part of his diary to
be destroyed, which renders the account of his life the less complete.
And there are some parts of his diary here left out for brevity’s
sake, that would, I am sensible, have been a great advantage to the history,
if they had been inserted; particularly the account of his wonderful successes
among the Indians; which for substance is the same in his private diary
with that which has already been made public, in the journal he
kept by order of the society in Scotland, for their information. That account,
I am of opinion, would be more entertaining and more profitable, if it
were published as it is written in his diary, in connexion with
his secret religion and the inward exercises of his mind, and also with
the preceding and following parts of the story of his life. But because
that account has been published already, I have therefore omitted that
part. However, this defect may in a great measure be made up to the reader,
by the public journal.--But it is time to end this preface, that
the reader may be no longer detained from the history itself.
JONATHAN EDWARDS.
N.B.
Those parts of the following Life and Diary which are not in turned
commas, are the words of the publisher, President Edwards. They
contain the substance of Mr. Brainerd’s Diary for the time specified.
By this mode, needless repetitions were prevented.
THE
LIFE AND DIARY
OF DAVID BRAINERD.
PART I.
FROM HIS BIRTH,
TO THE TIME WHEN HE BEGAN TO STUDY
FOR THE MINISTRY.
MR.
DAVID BRAINERD was born April 20, 1718, at Haddam, a town of Hartford,
in Connecticut, New England. His father was the worshipful Hezekiah Brainerd,
Esq. one of his Majesty’s council for that colony; who was the son of Daniel
Brainerd, Esq. a justice of the peace, and a deacon of the church of Christ
in Haddam. His mother was Mrs. Dorothy Hobart, daughter to the Reverend
Mr. Jeremiah Hobart; who preached awhile at Topsfield, then removed to
Hempstead on Long-Island, and afterwards--by reason of numbers turning
Quakers, and many others being so irreligious, that they would do nothing
towards the support of the gospel--settled in the work of the ministry
at Haddam; where he died in the 85th year of his age. He went to the public
worship in the forenoon, and died in his chair between meetings. This reverend
gentleman was a son of the Reverend Peter Hobart; who was, first, minister
of the gospel at Hingham, in the county of Norfolk in England; and, by
reason of the persecution of the Puritans, removed with his family to New
England, and was settled in the ministry at Hingham, in Massachusetts.
He had five sons, viz. Joshua, Jeremiah, Gershom, Japheth, and Nehemiah.
His son Joshua was minister at Southold on Long-Island. Jeremiah was Mr.
David Brainerd’s grandfather, minister at Haddam, &c. as before observed;
Gershom was minister of Groton in Connecticut; Japheth was a physician;
he went in the quality of a doctor of a ship to England, (before the time
of taking his second degree at college,) and designed to go from thence
to the East Indies; but never was heard of more. Nehemiah was sometime
fellow of Harvard college, and afterwards minister at Newton in Massachusetts.
The mother of Mrs. Dorothy Hobart (who was afterwards Brainerd) was a daughter
of the Reverend Samuel Whiting, minister of the gospel, first at Boston
in Lincolnshire, and afterwards at Lynn in Massachusetts, New England.
He had three sons who were ministers of the gospel.
David
Brainerd was the third son of his parents. They had five sons, and
four daughters. Their eldest son is Hezekiah Brainerd, Esq. a justice of
the peace, and for several years past a representative of the town of Haddam,
in the general assembly of Connecticut colony; the second was the Reverend
Nehemiah Brainerd, a worthy minister at Eastbury in Connecticut, who died
of a consumption, Nov. 10, 1742; the fourth is Mr. John Brainerd, who succeeds
his brother David as missionary to the Indians, and pastor of the same
church of Christian Indians in New Jersey; and the fifth was Israel, lately
student at Yale college in New-Haven, who died since his brother David.--Mrs.
Dorothy Brainerd having lived about five years a widow, died when her son,
of whose life I am about to give an account, was about fourteen years of
age: so that in his youth he was left both fatherless and motherless. What
account he has given of himself, and his own life, may be seen in what
follows.*
“I
was from my youth somewhat sober, and inclined rather to melancholy than
the contrary extreme; but do not remember any thing of conviction of sin,
worthy of remark, till I was, I believe, about seven or eight years of
age. Then I became concerned for my soul, and terrified at the thoughts
of death, and was driven to the performance of duties: but it appeared
a melancholy business, that destroyed my eagerness for play. And though,
alas! this religious concern was but short-lived, I sometimes attended
secret prayer; and thus lived at “ease in Zion, without God in the world,”
and without much concern, as I remember, till I was above thirteen years
of age. But some time in the winter 1732, I was roused out of carnal security,
by I scarce know what means at first; but was much excited by the prevailing
of a mortal sickness in Haddam. I was frequent, constant, and somewhat
fervent in duties; and took delight in reading, especially Mr. Janeway’s
Token for Children. I felt sometimes much melted in duties, and
took great delight in the performance of them; and I sometimes hoped that
I was converted, or at least in a good and hopeful way for heaven and happiness,
not knowing what conversion was. The Spirit of God at this time proceeded
far with me; I was remarkably dead to the world, and my thoughts were almost
wholly employed about my soul’s concerns; and I may indeed say, “Almost
I was persuaded to be a Christian.” I was also exceedingly distressed and
melancholy at the death of my mother, in March, 1732. But afterwards my
religious concern began to decline, and by degrees I fell back into a considerable
degree of security, though I still attended secret prayer.
“About
the 15th of April, 1733, I removed from my father’s house to East Haddam,
where I spent four years; but still “without God in the world,” though,
for the most part, I went a round of secret duty. I was not much addicted
to young company, or frolicking, as it is called, but this I know, that
when I did go into such company, I never returned with so good a conscience
as when I went; it always added new guilt, made me afraid to come to the
throne of grace, and spoiled those good frames I was wont sometimes to
please myself with. But, alas! all my good frames were but self-righteousness,
not founded on a desire for the glory of God.
“About
the latter end of April, 1737, being full nineteen years of age, I removed
to Durham, to work on my farm, and so continued about one year; frequently
longing, from a natural inclination, after a liberal education. When about
twenty years of age, I applied myself to study; and was now engaged more
than ever in the duties of religion. I became very strict, and watchful
over my thoughts, words, and actions; and thought I must be sober indeed,
because I designed to devote myself to the ministry; and imagined
I did dedicate myself to the Lord.
Some
time in April, 1738, I went to Mr. Fiske’s, and lived with him during his
life.† I remember he advised
*
In Mr. Brainerd’s account of himself here, and continued in his Diary,
the reader will find a growing interest and pleasure as he proceeds:
in which is beautifully exemplified what the inspired penman declares,
“The path of the just is as the morning light, that shineth more and more
unto the perfect day.” And indeed even his diction and style of writing
assume a gradual improvement.--W.
†
Mr. Fiske was the pastor of the church in Haddam.
PART
I. A.D. 1718-1742. ÆT. 1-24. 317
me
wholly to abandon young company, and associate myself with grave elderly
people: which counsel I followed. My manner of life was now exceeding regular,
and full of religion, such as it was; for I read my Bible more than twice
through in less than a year, spent much time every day in prayer and other
secret duties, gave great attention to the word preached, and endeavoured
to my utmost to retain it. So much concerned was I about religion, that
I agreed with some young persons to meet privately on sabbath evenings
for religious exercises, and thought myself sincere in these duties;
and after our meeting was ended, I used to repeat the discourses
of the day to myself; recollecting what I could, though sometimes very
late at night. I used sometimes on Monday mornings to recollect the same
sermons; had considerable movings of pleasurable affection in duties, and
had many thoughts of joining the church. In short, I had a very good outside,
and rested entirely on my duties, though not sensible of it.
“After
Mr. Fiske’s death, I proceeded in my learning with my brother; was still
very constant in religious duties, and often wondered at the levity of
professors; it was a trouble to me, that they were so careless in religious
matters.--Thus I proceeded a considerable length on a self-righteous
foundation; and should have been entirely lost and undone, had not
the mere mercy of God prevented.
“Some
time in the beginning of winter, 1738, it pleased God, on one sabbath-day
morning, as I was walking out for some secret duties, to give me on a sudden
such a sense of my danger, and the wrath of God, that I stood amazed,
and my former good frames, that I had pleased myself with, all presently
vanished. From the view I had of my sin and vileness, I was much distressed
all that day, fearing the vengeance of God would soon overtake me. I was
much dejected, kept much alone, and sometimes envied the birds and beasts
their happiness, because they were not exposed to eternal misery, as I
evidently saw I was. And thus I lived from day to day, being frequently
in great distress: sometimes there appeared mountains before me to obstruct
my hopes of mercy; and the work of conversion appeared so great, that I
thought I should never be the subject of it. I used, however, to pray and
cry to God, and perform other duties with great earnestness; and thus hoped
by some means to make the case better.
“And
though, hundreds of times, I renounced all pretences of any worth
in my duties, as I thought, even while performing them, and often confessed
to God that I deserved nothing, for the very best of them, but eternal
condemnation; yet still I had a secret hope of recommending myself
to God by my religious duties. When I prayed affectionately, and my heart
seemed in some measure to melt, I hoped God would be thereby moved to pity
me, my prayers then looked with some appearance of goodness in them,
and I seemed to mourn
for sin. And then I could in some measure
venture on the mercy of God in Christ, as I thought, though the preponderating
thought, the foundation
of my hope, was some imagination of
goodness in my heart-meltings, flowing of affections in duty, extraordinary
enlargements, &c. Though at times the gate appeared so very strait,
that it looked next to impossible to enter, yet, at other times, I flattered
myself that it was not so very difficult, and hoped I should by diligence
and watchfulness soon gain the point. Sometimes after enlargement in duty
and considerable affection, I hoped I had made a good step towards
heaven; imagined that God was affected as I was, and that he would hear
such sincere cries, as I called them. And so sometimes, when I withdrew
for secret duties in great distress, I returned comfortable; and thus healed
myself with my duties.
“Some
time in February, 1739, I set apart a day for secret fasting and prayer,
and spent the day in almost incessant cries to God for mercy, that he would
open my eyes to see the evil of sin, and the way of life by Jesus Christ.
And God was pleased that day to make considerable discoveries of my heart
to me. But still I trusted in all the duties I performed; though
there was no manner of goodness
in them, there being in them no
respect to the glory of God, nor any such principle in my heart. Yet, God
was pleased to make my endeavours that day ameans to show me my helplessness
in some measure.
“Sometimes
I was greatly encouraged, and imagined that God loved me, and was
pleased with me; and thought I should soon be fully reconciled to God.
But the whole was founded on mere presumption, arising from enlargement
in duty, or flowing of affections, or some good resolutions, and the like.
And when, at times, great distress began to arise, on a sight of my vileness,
nakedness, and inability to deliver myself from a sovereign God, I used
to put off the discovery, as what I could not bear. Once, I remember, a
pang of distress seized me, and the thoughts of renouncing myself, and
standing naked before God, stripped of all goodness, were so dreadful to
me, that I was ready to say to them as Felix to Paul, ‘Go thy way for this
time.’ Thus, though I daily longed for greater conviction of sin, supposing
that I must see more of my dreadful state in order to a remedy; yet when
the discoveries of my vile, hellish heart, were made to me, the sight was
so dreadful, and showed me so plainly my exposedness to damnation, that
I could not endure it.--I constantly strove after whatever qualifications
I imagined others obtained before the reception of Christ, in order to
recommend me to his favour. Sometimes I felt the power of a hard
heart, and supposed it must be softened
before Christ would
accept of me; and when I felt any meltings of heart, I hoped now the work
was almost done. Hence, when my distress still remained, I was wont to
murmur at God’s dealings with me; and thought, when others felt their hearts
softened, God showed them mercy; but my distress remained still.
“Sometimes
I grew remiss and
sluggish, without any great convictions
of sin, for a considerable time together; but after such a season, convictions
seized me more violently. One night I remember in particular, when I was
walking solitarily abroad, I had opened to me such a view of my sin, that
I feared the ground would cleave asunder under my feet, and become my grave;
and would send my soulquick
into hell, before I could get home. And though I was forced to go to bed,
lest my distress should be discovered by others, which I much feared; yet
I scarcely durst sleep at all, for I thought it would be a great wonder
if I should be out of hell in the morning. And though my distress was sometimes
thus great, yet I greatly dreaded the loss of convictions, and returning
back to a state of carnal security, and to my former insensibility of impending
wrath; which made me exceeding exact in my behaviour, lest I should stifle
the motions of God’s Holy Spirit. When at any time I took a view of my
convictions, and thought the degree of them to be considerable, I was wont
to trust in them; but this confidence, and the hopes of soon making some
notable advances towards deliverance, would ease my mind, and I soon became
more senseless and remiss: but then again, when I discerned my convictions
to grow languid, and I thought them about to leave me, this immediately
alarmed and distressed me. Sometimes I expected to take a large step, and
get very far towards conversion, by some particular opportunity or means
I had in view.
“The
many disappointments, great distresses, and perplexity I met with, put
me into a most horrible frame of contesting with the Almighty;
with an inward vehemence and virulence finding fault with his ways of dealing
with mankind. I found great fault with the imputation of Adam’s sin to
his posterity; and my wicked heart often wished for some other way of salvation,
than by Jesus Christ. Being like the troubled sea, my thoughts confused,
I used to contrive to escape the wrath of God by some other means.
I had strange projects, full of atheism, contriving to disappoint God’s
designs and decrees concerning me, or to escape his notice, and
hide myself from him. But when, upon reflection, I saw these projects were
vain, and would not serve me, and that I could contrive nothing for my
own relief; this would throw my mind into the most horrid frame, to wish
there was no God, or to wish there were some other God that could
control him, &c. These thoughts and desires were the secret inclinations
of my heart, frequently acting before I was aware; but, alas! they were
mine, although I was affrighted when I came to reflect on them.
When I considered,
318
BRAINERD’S LIFE AND DIARY.
it
distressed me to think, that my heart was so full of enmity against God;
and it made me tremble, lest his vengeance should suddenly fall upon me.
I used before to imagine, that my heart was not so bad as the Scriptures
and some other books represented it. Sometimes I used to take much pains
to work it up into a good frame, an humble submissive disposition; and
hoped there was then some goodness in me. But, on a sudden, the
thoughts of the strictness of the law, or the sovereignty of God, would
so irritate the corruption of my heart, that I had so watched over, and
hoped I had brought to a good frame, that it would break over all bounds,
and burst forth on all sides, like floods of water when they break down
their dam.
“Being
sensible of the necessity of a deep humiliation in order to a saving close
with Christ, I used to set myself to work in my own heart those convictions
that were requisite in such an humiliation; as, a conviction that God would
be just, if he cast me off for ever; that if ever God should bestow mercy
on me, it would be mere grace, though I should be in distress many years
first, and be never so much engaged in duty; that God was not in the least
obliged to pity me the more for all past duties, cries, and tears, &c.
I strove to my utmost to bring myself to a firm belief of these things
and a hearty assent to them; and hoped that now I was brought off from
myself, truly humbled, and that I bowed to the divine sovereignty.
I was wont to tell God in my prayers, that now I had those very dispositions
of soul that he required, and on which he showed mercy to others, and thereupon
to beg and plead for mercy to me. But when I found no relief, and was still
oppressed with guilt, and fears of wrath, my soul was in a tumult, and
my heart rose against God, as dealing hardly with me. Yet then my
conscience flew in my face, putting me in mind of my late confession to
God of his justice in my condemnation, &c. And this giving me
a sight of the badness of my heart, threw me again into distress, and I
wished I had watched my heart more narrowly, to keep it from breaking out
against God’s dealings with me; and I even wished I had not pleaded for
mercy on account of my humiliation, because thereby I had lost all my seeming
goodness.--Thus, scores of times, I vainly imagined myself humbled and
prepared for saving mercy. And while I was in this distressed, bewildered,
and tumultuous state of mind, the corruption of my heart was especially
irritated with the following things.
“1.
The strictness of the divine law. For I found it was impossible
for me, after my utmost pains, to answer its demands. I often made new
resolutions, and as often broke them. I imputed the whole to carelessness
and the want of being more watchful, and used to call myself a fool for
my negligence. But when, upon a stronger resolution, and greater endeavours,
and close application to fasting and prayer, I found all attempts fail;
then I quarrelled with the law of God, as unreasonably rigid. I thought,
if it extended only to my outward actions and behaviours I could
bear with it; but I found it condemned me for my evil thoughts,
and sins of my heart, which I could not possibly prevent. I was
extremely loth to own my utter helplessness in this matter: but after repeated
disappointments, thought that, rather than perish, I could do a little
more still; especially if such and such circumstances might but attend
my endeavours and strivings. I hoped, that I should strive more
earnestly than ever, if the matter came to extremity--though I never could
find the time to do my utmost, in the manner I intended--and this hope
of future more favourable circumstances, and of doing something great hereafter,
kept me from utter despair in myself, and from seeing myself fallen into
the hands of a sovereign God, and dependent on nothing but free and boundless
grace.
“2.
Another thing was, that faith alone was the condition of salvation;
that God would not come down to lower terms, and that he would not promise
life and salvation upon my sincere and hearty prayers and endeavours. That
word, Mark xvi. 16. “He that believeth not, shall be damned,” cut off all
hope there: and I found, faith was the sovereign gift of God; that I could
not get it as of myself, and could not oblige God to bestow it upon me,
by any of my performances, (Eph. ii. 1, 8.) This, I was ready to
say, is a hard saying, who can bear it? I could not bear, that all
I had done should stand for mere nothing, who had been very conscientious
in duty, had been exceeding religious a great while, and had, as I thought,
done much more than many others who had obtained mercy. I confessed
indeed the vileness of my duties; but then, what made them at that time
seem vile, was my wandering thoughts in them; not because I was
all over defiled like a devil, and the principle corrupt from whence
they flowed, so that I could not possibly do any thing that was good. And
therefore I called what I did, by the name of honest faithful endeavours;
and could not bear it, that God had made no promises of salvation to them.
“3.
Another thing was, that I could not find out what faith was; or
what it was to believe, and come to Christ. I read the calls of
Christ to the weary and heavy laden; but could find no way
that he directed them to come in. I thought I would gladly come, if I knew
how, though the path of duty were never so difficult. I read Mr.
Stoddard’s Guide to Christ, (which I trust was, in the hand of God,
the happy means of my conversion,) and my heart rose against the author;
for though he told me my very heart all along under convictions, and seemed
to be very beneficial to me in his directions; yet here he failed, he did
not tell me any thing I could do that would bring me to Christ,
but left me as it were with a great gulf between, without any direction
to get through. For I was not yet effectually and experimentally, taught,
that there could be no way prescribed, whereby a natural
man could, of his own strength, obtain that which is supernatural,
and which the highest angel cannot give.
“4.
Another thing to which I found a great inward opposition, was the sovereignty
of God. I could not bear that it should be wholly at God’s pleasure to
save or damn me, just as he would. That passage, Rom. ix. 11-23. was a
constant vexation to me, especially ver. 21. Reading or meditating on this,
always destroyed my seeming good frames: for when I thought I was almost
humbled, and almost resigned, this passage would make my enmity against
the sovereignty of God appear. When I came to reflect on my inward enmity
and blasphemy, which arose on this occasion, I was the more afraid of God,
and driven further from any hopes of reconciliation with him. It gave me
such a dreadful view of myself, that I dreaded more than ever to see myself
in God’s hands, at his sovereign disposal, and it made me more opposite
than ever to submit to his sovereignty; for I thought God designed my damnation.
“All
this time the Spirit of God was powerfully at work with me; and I was inwardly
pressed to relinquish all self-confidence, all hopes of ever helping
myself by any means whatsoever: and the conviction of my lost estate
was sometimes so clear and manifest before my eyes, that it was as if it
had been declared to me in so many words, ‘It is done, it is done, for
ever impossible to deliver yourself.’ For about three or four days my soul
was thus greatly distressed. At some turns, for a few moments, I seemed
to myself lost and undone; but then would shrink back immediately
from the sight, because I dared not venture myself into the hands of God,
as wholly helpless, and at the disposal of his sovereign pleasure. I dared
not see that important truth concerning myself, that I was dead in trespasses
and sins. But when I had as it were thrust away these views of myself
at any time, I felt distressed to have the same discoveries of myself again;
for I greatly feared being given over of God to final stupidity. When I
thought of putting it off to a more convenient season, the conviction
was so close and powerful, with regard to the present time, that
it was the best, and probably the only time, that I dared not put
it off.
“It
was the sight of truth concerning myself, truth respecting
my state, as a creature fallen and alienated from God, and that consequently
could make no demands on God for mercy, but must subscribe to the absolute
sovereignty of the Divine Being; the sight of the truth, I say,
my soul shrank away from, and trembled to think of beholding. Thus, he
that doth evil, as all unregenerate men continually do, hates the
light of truth, neither cares to come to it, because it will
reprove his deeds, and show him his just deserts, John iii. 20.
And though, some time before, I had taken much pains, as I thought, to
submit to
PART
I. A.D. 1718-1742. ÆT. 1-24.319
the
sovereignty of God, yet I mistook the thing; and did not once imagine,
that seeing and being made experimentally sensible of this truth, which
my soul now so much dreaded and trembled at, was the frame of soul that
I had been so earnest in pursuit of heretofore. For I had ever hoped, that
when I had attained to that humiliation, which I supposed necessary
to go before faith, then it would not be fair for God to cast me off;
but now I saw it was so far from any goodness in me, to own myself spiritually
dead, and destitute of all goodness, that, on the contrary, my mouth
would be for ever stopped by it; and it looked as dreadful
to me, to see myself, and the relation I stood in to God--I a sinner and
criminal, and he a great Judge and Sovereign--as it would be to a poor
trembling creature, to venture off some high precipice. And hence I put
it off for a minute or two, and tried for better circumstances to do it
in; either I must read a passage or two, or pray first, or something of
the like nature; or else put off my submission to God’s sovereignty, with
an objection, that I did not know how to submit. But the truth was, I could
see no safety in owning myself in the hands of a sovereign God, and that
I could lay no claim to any thing better than damnation.
“But
after a considerable time spent in such like exercises and distresses,
one morning, while I was walking in a solitary place, as usual, I at once
saw that all my contrivances and projects to effect or procure deliverance
and salvation for myself, were utterly in vain; I was brought quite
to a stand, as finding myself totally lost. I had thought many times
before, that the difficulties in my way were very great; but now I saw,
in another and very different light, that it was for ever impossible for
me to do any thing towards helping or delivering myself. I then thought
of blaming myself, that I had not done more, and been more engaged, while
I had opportunity--for it seemed now as if the season of doing was for
ever over and gone--but I instantly saw, that let me have done what I would,
it would no more have tended to my helping myself, than what I had done;
that I had made all the pleas I ever could have made to all eternity; and
that all my pleas were vain. The tumult that had been before in
my mind, was now quieted; and I was something eased of that distress,
which I felt, while struggling against a sight of myself, and of the divine
sovereignty. I had the greatest certainty that my state was for ever miserable,
for all that I could do; and wondered that I had never been sensible
of it before.
“While
I remained in this state, my notions respecting my duties
were quite different from what I had ever entertained in times past. Before
this, the more I did in duty, the more hard I thought it would be for God
to cast me off; though at the same time I confessed, and thought I saw,
that there was no goodness or merit in my duties; but now the more
I did in prayer or any other duty, the more I saw I was indebted to God
for allowing me to ask for mercy; for I saw it was self-interest
had led me to pray, and that I had never once prayed from any respect to
the glory of God. Now I saw there was no necessary connexion between my
prayers and the bestowment of divine mercy; that they laid not the least
obligation upon God to bestow his grace upon me; and that there
was no more virtue or goodness in them, than there would be in my paddling
with my hand in the water, (which was the comparison I had then in
my mind,) and this because they were not performed from any love or regard
to God. I saw that I had been heaping up my devotions before God, fasting,
praying, &c. pretending, and indeed really thinking sometimes, that
I was aiming at the glory of God; whereas I never once truly intended
it, but only my own happiness. I saw, that as I had never done any thing
for God, I had no claim on any thing from him, but perdition,
on account of my hypocrisy and mockery. Oh how different did my duties
now appear from what they used to do! I used to charge them with sin and
imperfection; but this was only on account of the wanderings and vain thoughts
attending them, and not because I had no regard to God in them; for this
I thought I had. But when I saw evidently that I had regard to nothing
but self-interest, then they appeared a vile mockery of God, self-worship,
and a continual course of lies; so that I now saw that something worse
had attended my duties, than barely a few wanderings, &c.; for the
whole was nothing but
self-worship, and a horrid abuse of God.
“I
continued, as I remember, in this state of mind, from Friday morning till
the sabbath evening following, (July 12, 1739,) when I was walking again
in the same solitary place, where I was brought to see myself lost and
helpless, as before mentioned. Here, in a mournful melancholy state, I
was attempting to pray; but found no heart to engage in that or any other
duty; my former concern, exercise, and religious affections were now gone.
I thought the Spirit of God had quite left me; but still was not
distressed: yet disconsolate, as if there was nothing in heaven or earth
could make me happy. Having been thus endeavouring to pray--though, as
I thought, very stupid and senseless--for near half an hour, then, as I
was walking in a dark thick grove,
unspeakable glory seemed to open
to the view and apprehension of my soul. I do not mean any external
brightness, for I saw no such thing; nor do I intend any imagination of
a body of light, somewhere in the third heavens, or any thing of that nature;
but it was a new inward apprehension or view that I had of God,
such as I never had before, nor any thing which had the least resemblance
of it. I stood still, wondered, and admired! I knew that I never had seen
before any thing comparable to it for excellency and beauty; it was widely
different from all the conceptions that ever I had of God, or things divine.
I had no particular apprehension of any one person in the Trinity, either
the Father, the Son, or the Holy Ghost; but it appeared to be divine
glory. My soul rejoiced with joy unspeakable, to see such a
God, such a glorious Divine Being; and I was inwardly pleased and satisfied
that he should be God over all for ever and ever. My soul was so
captivated and delighted with the excellency, loveliness, greatness, and
other perfections of God, that I was even swallowed up in him; at least
to that degree, that I had no thought (as I remember) at first about
my own salvation, and scarce reflected there was such a creature as myself.
“Thus
God, I trust, brought me to a hearty disposition to exalt him, and
set him on the throne, and principally and ultimately to aim at his honour
and glory, as King of the universe. I continued in this state of inward
joy, peace, and astonishment, till near dark, without any sensible abatement;
and then began to think and examine what I had seen; and felt sweetly composed
in my mind all the evening following. I felt myself in a new world, and
every thing about me appeared with a different aspect from what it was
wont to do. At this time, the way of salvation opened to me with
such infinite wisdom, suitableness, and excellency, that I wondered I should
ever think of any other way of salvation; was amazed that I had
not dropped my own contrivances, and complied with this lovely, blessed,
and excellent way before. If I could have been saved by my own duties,
or any other way that I had formerly contrived, my whole soul would now
have refused it. I wondered that all the world did not see and comply with
this way of salvation, entirely by the righteousness of Christ.
“The
sweet relish of what I then felt, continued with me for several days, almost
constantly, in a greater or less degree; I could not but sweetly rejoice
in God, lying down and rising up. The next Lord’s day I felt something
of the same kind, though not so powerful as before. But not long after
I was again involved in thick darkness, and under great distress;
yet not of the same kind with my distress under convictions. I was guilty,
afraid, and ashamed to come before God; was exceedingly pressed with a
sense of guilt: but it was not long before I felt, I trust, true repentance
and joy in God.--About the latter end of August, I again fell under great
darkness; it seemed as if the presence of God was clean gone for ever;
though I was not so much distressed about my spiritual state, as
I was at my being shut out from God’s presence, as I then sensibly
was. But it pleased the Lord to return graciously to me, not long after.
“In
the beginning of September I went to college,* and entered there; but with
some degree of reluctancy, fearing lest I should not be able to lead a
life of strict religion, in
*
Yale college, in New-Haven
320
BRAINERD’S LIFE AND DIARY.
the
midst of so many temptations.--After this, in the vacancy, before
I went to tarry at college, it pleased God to visit my soul with clearer
manifestations of himself and his grace. I was spending some time in prayer,
and self-examination, when the Lord by his grace so shined into my heart,
that I enjoyed full assurance of his favour, for that time; and my soul
was unspeakably refreshed with divine and heavenly enjoyments. At this
time especially, as well as some others, sundry passages of God’s word
opened to my soul with divine clearness, power, and sweetness, so as to
appear exceeding precious, and with clear and certain evidence of its being
the word of God. I enjoyed considerable sweetness in religion all
the winter following.
“In
Jan. 1740, the measles spread much in college; and I having taken the distemper,
went home to Haddam. But some days before I was taken sick, I seemed to
be greatly deserted, and my soul mourned the absence of the Comforter exceedingly.
It seemed to me all comfort was for ever gone; I prayed and cried to God
for help, yet found no present comfort or relief. But through divine goodness,
a night or two before I was taken ill, while I was walking alone in a very
retired place, and engaged in meditation and prayer, I enjoyed a sweet
refreshing visit, as I trust, from above; so that my soul was raised far
above the fears of death. Indeed I rather longed for death, than feared
it. O how much more refreshing this one season was, than all the pleasures
and delights that earth can afford! After a day or two I was taken with
the measles, and was very ill indeed, so that I almost despaired of life;
but had no distressing fears of death at all. However, through divine goodness
I soon recovered; yet, by reason of hard and close studies, and being much
exposed on account of my freshmanship, I had but little time for
spiritual duties: my soul often mourned for want of more time and opportunity
to be alone with God. In the spring and summer following, I had better
advantages for retirement, and enjoyed more comfort in religion. Though
indeed my ambition in my studies greatly wronged the activity and vigour
of my spiritual life; yet this was usually the case with me, that “in the
multitude of my thoughts within me, God’s comforts principally delighted
my soul;” these were my greatest consolations day by day.
“One
day I remember, in particular, (I think it was in June, 1740,) I walked
to a considerable distance from the college, in the fields alone at noon,
and in prayer found such unspeakable sweetness and delight in God, that
I thought, if I must continue still in this evil world, I wanted always
to be there, to behold God’s glory. My soul dearly loved all mankind, and
longed exceedingly that they should enjoy what I enjoyed. It seemed to
be a little resemblance of heaven. On Lord’s day, July 6, being sacrament-day,
I found some divine life and spiritual refreshment in that holy ordinance.
When I came from the Lord’s table, I wondered how my fellow-students could
live as I was sensible most did.--Next Lord’s day, July 13, I had some
special sweetness in religion.--Again, Lord’s day, July 20, my soul was
in a sweet and precious frame.
“Some
time in August following, I became so weakly and disordered, by too close
application to my studies, that I was advised by my tutor to go home, and
disengage my mind from study, as much as I could; for I was grown so weak,
that I began to spit blood. I took his advice, and endeavoured to lay aside
my studies. But being brought very low, I looked death in the face more
stedfastly; and the Lord was pleased to give me renewedly a sweet sense
and relish of divine things; and particularly, October 13, I found divine
help and consolation in the precious duties of secret prayer and self-examination,
and my soul took delight in the blessed God:--so likewise on the 17th of
October.
“Saturday,
Oct.
18. In my morning devotions, my soul was exceedingly melted, and bitterly
mourned over my exceeding sinfulness and vileness. I never
before had felt so pungent and deep a sense of the odious nature of sin,
as at this time. My soul was then unusually carried forth in love to God,
and had a lively sense of God’s love to me. And this love and hope, at
that time, cast out fear. Both morning and evening I spent some time in
self-examination, to find the truth of grace, as also my fitness to
approach to God at his table the next day; and through infinite grace,
found the Holy Spirit influencing my soul with love to God, as a witness
within myself.
“Lord’s
day, Oct.
19. In the morning I felt my soul hungering and thirsting after righteousness.
In the forenoon, while I was looking on the sacramental elements, and thinking
that Jesus Christ would soon be “set forth crucified before me,” my soul
was filled with light and love, so that I was almost in an ecstasy; my
body was so weak, I could scarcely stand. I felt at the same time an exceeding
tenderness and most fervent love towards all mankind; so that my soul and
all the powers of it seemed, as it were, to melt into softness and sweetness.
But during the communion, there was some abatement of this life and fervour.
This love and joy cast out fear; and my soul longed for perfect grace and
glory. This frame continued till the evening, when my soul was sweetly
spiritual in secret duties.
“Monday,
Oct.
20. I again found the assistance of the Holy Spirit in secret duties, both
morning and evening, and life and comfort in religion through the whole
day.--Tuesday, Oct. 21. I had likewise experience of the goodness
of God in “shedding abroad his love in my heart,” and giving me delight
and consolation in religious duties; and all the remaining part of the
week, my soul seemed to be taken up with divine things. I now so longed
after God, and to be freed from sin, that when I felt myself recovering,
and thought I must return to college again, which had proved so hurtful
to my spiritual interest the year past, I could not but be grieved, and
I thought I had much rather have died; for it distressed me to think of
getting away from God. But before I went, I enjoyed several other sweet
and precious seasons of communion with God, (particularly Oct. 30, and
Nov. 4,) wherein my soul enjoyed unspeakable comfort.
“I
returned to college about Nov. 6, and, through the goodness of God, felt
the power of religion almost daily, for the space of six weeks.--Nov. 28.
In my evening devotion, I enjoyed precious discoveries of God, and was
unspeakably refreshed with that passage, Heb. xii. 22-24. My soul longed
to wing away for the paradise of God; I longed to be conformed to God in
all things.--A day or two after, I enjoyed much of the light of God’s countenance,
most of the day; and my soul rested in God.
“Tuesday,
Dec.
9. I was in a comfortable frame of soul most of the day; but especially
in evening devotions, when God was pleased wonderfully to assist and strengthen
me; so that I thought nothing should ever move me from the love of God
in Christ Jesus my Lord.--O! one hour with God infinitely exceeds
all the pleasures and delights of this lower world.
“Some
time towards the latter end of January, 1741, I grew more cold and
dull in religion, by means of my old temptation, viz. ambition
in my studies.--But through divine goodness, a great and general awakening
spread itself over the college, about the latter end of February, in which
I was much quickened, and more abundantly engaged in religion.”
This
awakening was at the beginning of that extraordinary religious commotion
through the land, which is fresh in every one’s memory. It was for a time
very great and general at New-Haven; and the college had no small share
in it. That society was greatly reformed, the students in general
became serious, many of them remarkably so, and much engaged
in the concerns of their eternal salvation. And however undesirable the
issue of the awakenings of that day have appeared in many others,
there have been manifestly happy and abiding effects of the impressions
then made on the minds of many of the members of that college. And by all
that I can learn concerning Mr. Brainerd, there can be no reason to doubt
but that he had much of God’s gracious presence, and of the lively actings
of true grace, at that time: but yet he was afterwards abundantly sensible,
that his religious experiences and affections at that time were not free
from a corrupt mixture, nor his conduct to be acquitted from many things
that were imprudent and blamable; which he greatly lamented himself, and
was desirous that others should not make an ill use of such an example.
And therefore, al-
PART
I A.D. 1718-1742. ÆT. 1-24. 321
though
at the time he kept a constant diary, containing a very particular account
of what passed from day to day, for the next thirteen months, from the
latter end of Jan. 1741, forementioned, in two small books, which he called
the two first volumes of his diary, next following the account before
given of his convictions, conversion, and consequent comforts; yet, when
he lay on his death-bed, he gave order (unknown to me till after his death)
that these two volumes should be destroyed, and in the beginning of the
third book of his diary, he wrote thus, (by the hand of another, he not
being able to write himself,) “The two preceding volumes, immediately following
the account of the author’s conversion, are lost. If any are desirous to
know how the author lived, in general, during that space of time, let them
read the first thirty pages of this volume; where they will find something
of a specimen of his ordinary manner of living, through that whole space
of time, which was about thirteen months; excepting that here he was more
refined from some imprudencies
and indecent heats, than there;
but the spiritof
devotion running through the whole was the same.
It
could not be otherwise than that one whose heart had been so prepared and
drawn to God, as Mr. Brainerd’s had been, should be mightily enlarged,
animated, and engaged at the sight of such an alteration made in the college,
the town, and country; and so great an appearance of men reforming their
lives, and turning from their profaneness and immorality to seriousness
and concern for their salvation, and of religion reviving and flourishing
almost every where. But as an intemperate, imprudent zeal, and a degree
of enthusiasm, soon crept in, and mingled itself with that revival of religion;
and so great and general an awakening being quite a new thing in the land,
at least as to all the living inhabitants of it; neither people nor ministers
had learned thoroughly to distinguish between solid religion and
its delusive counterfeits. Even many ministers of the gospel, of long standing
and the best reputation, were for a time overpowered with the glaring appearances
of the latter; and therefore, surely it was not to be wondered at, that
young Brainerd, but a sophomore at college, should be so; who was
not only young in years, but very young in religion and experience. He
had enjoyed but little advantage for the study of divinity, and still less
for observing the circumstances and events of such an extraordinary state
of things. To think it strange, a man must divest himself of all reason.
In these disadvantageous circumstances, Brainerd had the unhappiness to
have a tincture of that intemperate, indiscreet zeal, which was
at that time too prevalent; and was led, from his high opinion of others
whom he looked upon as better than himself, into such errors as were really
contrary to the habitual temper of his mind. One instance of his misconduct
at that time, gave great offence to the rulers of the college, even to
that degree that they expelled him the society; which it is necessary should
here be particularly related, with its circumstances.
During
the awakening at college, there were several religious students who associated
together for mutual conversation and assistance in spiritual things. These
were wont freely to open themselves one to another, as special and intimate
friends: Brainerd was one of this company. And it once happened, that he
and two or three more of these intimate friends were in the hall together,
after Mr. Whittelsey, one of the tutors, had been to prayer there with
the scholars; no other person now remaining in the hall but Brainerd and
his companions. Mr. Whittelsey having been unusually pathetical in his
prayer, one of Brainerd’s friends on this occasion asked him what he thought
of Mr. Whittelsey; he made answer, “He has no more grace than this chair.”
One of the freshmen happening at that time to be near the hall (though
not in the room) over-heard those words. This person, though he heard no
name mentioned, and knew not who was thus censured, informed a certain
woman in the town, withal telling her his own suspicion, viz. that
he believed Brainerd said this of some one or other of the rulers of
the college. Whereupon she went and informed the rector, who sent
for this freshman and examined him. He told the rector the words
he heard Brainerd utter, and informed him who were in the room with him
at that time. Upon which the rector sent for them: they were very backward
to inform against their friend what they looked upon as private conversation,
and especially as none but they had heard or knew of whom he had uttered
those words: yet the rector compelled them to declare what he said,
and of whom he said it.--Brainerd looked on himself very ill used
in the management of this affair; and thought, that it was injuriously
extorted from his friends, and then injuriously required
of him--as if he had been guilty of some open, notorious crime--to make
a public confession, and to humble himself before the whole college
in the hall, for what he had said only in private
conversation.--He
not complying with this demand, and having gone once to the separate meeting
at New-Haven, when forbidden by the rector; and also having been accused
by one person of saying concerning the rector, “that he wondered he
did not expect to drop down dead for fining the scholars who followed Mr.
Tennent to Milford, though there was no proof of it; (and Mr. Brainerd
ever professed that he did not remember his saying any thing to that purpose;)
for these things he was expelled the college.
Now,
how far the circumstances and exigencies of that day might justify such
great severity in the governors of the college, I will not undertake to
determine; it being my aim, not to bring reproach on the authority of the
college, but only to do justice to the memory of a person, who was I think
eminently one of those whose memory is blessed.--The reader
will see, in the sequel of the story of Mr. Brainerd’s life,* what
his own thoughts afterwards were of his behaviour in these things, and
in how christian a manner he conducted himself, with respect to this affair:
though he ever, as long as he lived, supposed himself ill used in the management
of it, and in what he suffered.--His expulsion was in the winter, 1742,
while in his third year at college.
PART II.
FROM
ABOUT THE TIME THAT HE FIRST BEGAN TO DEVOTE HIMSELF MORE ESPECIALLY TO
THE STUDY OF DIVINITY, TILL HE WAS EXAMINED AND LICENSED TO PREACH, BY
THE ASSOCIATION OF MINISTERS BELONGING TO THE EASTERN DISTRICT OF THE COUNTY
OF FAIRFIELD, IN CONNECTICUT.
MR.
BRAINERD, the Spring after his expulsion, went to live with the
Reverend Mr. Mills, of Ripton, to pursue his studies with him, in order
to his being fitted for the work of the ministry; where he spent the greater
part of the time, till the Association licensed him to preach; but frequently
rode to visit the neighbouring ministers, particularly Mr. Cooke of Stratford,
Mr. Graham of Southbury, and Mr. Bellamy of Bethlehem. While with Mr. Mills,
he began the third book of his diary, in which the account he wrote
of himself, is as follows.
“Thursday,
April 1, 1742. I seem to be declining, with respect to my life and
warmth in divine things; had not so free access to God in prayer as usual
of late. O that God would humble me deeply in the dust before him! I deserve
hell every day, for not loving my Lord more, who has, I trust, loved
me, and given himself for me; and every time I am enabled to exercise
any grace renewedly, I am renewedly indebted to the God of all grace for
special assistance. Where then is boasting? Surely it is excluded,
when we think how we are dependent on God for the being and every act of
grace. Oh, if ever I get to heaven, it will be because God will, and nothing
else; for I never did any thing of myself, but get away from God! My soul
will be astonished at the unsearchable riches of divine grace, when I arrive
at the mansions, which the blessed Saviour is gone before to prepare.
“Friday,
April
2. In the afternoon I felt, in secret
*
Particularly under the date, Wednesday, Sept. 11, 1713.
322
BRAINERD’S LIFE AND DIARY.
prayer,
much resigned, calm, and serene. What are all the storms of this lower
world, if Jesus by his Spirit does but come walking on the seas!--Some
time past, I had much pleasure in the prospect of the heathen being brought
home to Christ, and desired that the Lord would employ me in that
work:--but now, my soul more frequently desires to die, to be with Christ.
O that my soul were wrapt up in divine love, and my longing desires after
God increased!--In the evening, was refreshed in prayer, with the hopes
of the advancement of Christ’s kingdom in the world.
“Saturday,
April
3.
Was very much amiss this morning, and had a bad night. I thought,
if God would take me to himself now, my soul would exceedingly rejoice.
O that I may be always humble and resigned to God, and that he would cause
my soul to be more fixed on himself, that I may be more fitted both for
doing and suffering!
“Lord’s
day, April
4. My heart was wandering and lifeless. In the evening God gave
me faith in prayer, made my soul melt in some measure, and gave me to taste
a divine sweetness. O my blessed God! Let me climb up near to him, and
love, and long, and plead, and wrestle, and stretch after him, and for
deliverance from the body of sin and death.--Alas! my soul mourned to think
I should ever lose sight of its beloved again. ‘O come, Lord Jesus, Amen.’”
On
the evening of the next day, he complains, that he seemed to be
void of all relish of divine things, felt much of the prevalence of corruption,
and saw in himself a disposition to all manner of sin; which brought a
very great gloom on his mind, and cast him down into the depths of melancholy;
so that he speaks of himself as amazed, having no comfort, but filled with
horror, seeing no comfort in heaven or earth.
“Tuesday,
April
6. I walked out this morning to the same place where I was last night,
and felt as I did then; but was somewhat relieved by reading some passages
in my diary, and seemed to feel as ifI
might pray to the great God again with freedom; but was suddenly struck
with a damp, from the sense I had of my own vileness.--Then I cried to
God to cleanse me from my exceeding filthiness, to give me repentance and
pardon. I then began to find it sweet to pray; and could think of undergoing
the greatest sufferings, in the cause of Christ, with pleasure; and found
myself willing, if God should so order it, to suffer banishment from my
native land, among the heathen, that I might do something for their salvation,
in distresses and deaths of any kind.--Then God gave me to wrestle earnestly
for others, for the kingdom of Christ in the world, and for dear christian
friends.--I felt weaned from the world, and from my own reputation amongst
men, willing to be despised, and to be a gazing-stock for the world
to behold.--It is impossible for me to express how I then felt: I had not
much joy, but some sense of the majesty of God, which made me as
it were tremble. I saw myself mean and vile, which made me more willing
that God should do what he would with me; it was all infinitely reasonable.
“Wednesday,
April
7.
I had not so much fervency, but felt something as I did yesterday
morning, in prayer.--At noon I spent some time in secret, with some fervency,
but scarce any sweetness; and felt very dull in the evening.
“Thursday,
April
8.Had raised hopes to-day respecting the heathen. O that God would bring
in great numbers of them to Jesus Christ! I cannot but hope I shall see
that glorious day.--Every thing in this world seems exceeding vile and
little to me: I look so on myself.--I had some little dawn of comfort to-day
in prayer; but especially to-night, I think I had some faith and power
of intercession with God. I was enabled to plead with God for the growth
of grace in myself; and many of the dear children of God then lay with
weight upon my soul. Blessed be the Lord! It is good to wrestle for divine
blessings.
“Friday,
April
9.
Most of my time in morning devotion was spent without sensible
sweetness; yet I had one delightful prospect of arriving at the heavenly
world. I am more amazed than ever at such thoughts; for I see myself infinitely
vile and unworthy. I feel very heartless and dull; and though I long for
the presence of God, and seem constantly to reach towards God in desires;
yet I cannot feel that divine and heavenly sweetness that I used to enjoy.--No
poor creature stands in need of divine grace more than I, and none abuse
it more than I have done, and still do.
“Saturday,
April
10.
Spent much time in secret prayer this morning, and not without
some comfort in divine things; and, I hope, had some faith in exercise:
but am so low, and feel so little of the sensible presence of God,
that I hardly know what to call faith, and am made to possess the sins
of my youth, and the dreadful sin of my nature. I am all sin; I cannot
think, nor act, but every motion is sin.--I feel some faint hopes, that
God will, of his infinite mercy, return again with showers of converting
grace to poor gospel-abusing sinners; and my hopes of being employed
in the cause of God, which of late have been almost extinct, seem now a
little revived. O that all my late distresses and awful apprehensions might
prove but Christ’s school, to make me fit for greater service, by teaching
me the great lesson of humility!
“Lord’s
day, April
11. In the morning I felt but little life, excepting that my heart was
somewhat drawn out in thankfulness to God for his amazing grace and condescension
to me, in past influences and assistances of his Spirit.--Afterwards, I
had some sweetness in the thoughts of arriving at the heavenly world.
O for the happy day!--After public worship God gave me special assistance
in prayer; I wrestled with my dear Lord, with much sweetness; and intercession
was made a delightful employment to me.--In the evening, as I was viewing
the light in the north, I was delighted in contemplation on the glorious
morning of the resurrection.
“Monday,
April
12. This morning the Lord was pleased to lift up the light of his countenance
upon me in secret prayer, and made the season very precious to my soul.
And though I have been so depressed of late, respecting my hopes of future
serviceableness in the cause of God; yet now I had much encouragement respecting
that matter. I was especially assisted to intercede and plead for poor
souls, and for the enlargement of Christ’s kingdom in the world, and for
special grace for myself, to fit me for special services.
I felt exceedingly calm, and quite resigned to God, respecting my future
employment, when and where he pleased. My faith lifted me
above the world, and removed all those mountains, that I could not look
over of late. I wanted not the favour of man to lean upon; for I knew Christ’s
favour was infinitely better, and that it was no matter when, nor
where, nor how Christ should send me, nor what trials he
should still exercise me with, if I might be prepared for his work and
will. I now found revived, in my mind, the wonderful discovery of
infinite wisdom in all the dispensations of God towards me, which
I had a little before I met with my great trial at college; every thing
appeared full of divine wisdom.
“Tuesday,
April
13. I saw myself to be very mean and vile; and wondered at those that showed
me respect. Afterwards I was somewhat comforted in secret retirement, and
assisted to wrestle with God, with some power, spirituality, and sweetness.
Blessed be the Lord, he is never unmindful of me, but always sends me needed
supplies; and, from time to time, when I am like one dead, he raises me
to life. O that I may never distrust infinite goodness!
“Wednesday,
April
14. My soul longed for communion with Christ, and for the mortification
of indwelling corruption, especially spiritual pride. O there is a sweet
day coming, wherein the weary will be at rest! My soul has enjoyed
much sweetness this day in the hopes of its speedy arrival.
“Thursday,
April
15. My desires apparently centred in God, and I found a sensible attraction
of soul after him sundry times to-day. I know I long for God, and
a conformity to his will, in inward purity and holiness, ten thousand times
more than for any thing here below.
“Friday
and Saturday, April
16, 17. I seldom prayed without some sensible joy in the Lord. Sometimes
I longed much to be dissolved, and to be with Christ. O that God
would enable me to grow in grace every day! Alas!
PART
II. A.D. 1742. APRIL-JULY. ÆT. 25. 323
my
barrenness is such, that God might well say, Cut it down.--I am
afraid of a dead heart on the sabbath now begun:* O that God would quicken
me by his grace!
“Lord’s
day, April
18. I retired early this morning into the woods for prayer; had the assistance
of God’s Spirit, and faith in exercise; and was enabled to plead with fervency
for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom in the world, and to intercede
for dear absent friends.--At noon, God enabled me to wrestle with him,
and to feel, as I trust, the power of divine love in prayer.--At night
I saw myself infinitely indebted to God, and had a view of my shortcomings:
it seemed to me, that I had done as it were nothing for God, and that I
never had lived to him but a few hours of my life.
“Monday,
April
19. I set apart this day for fasting, and prayer to God for his grace;
especially to prepare me for the work of the ministry, to give me
divine aid and direction in my preparations for that great work, and in
his own time to send me into his harvest. Accordingly, in the morning,
I endeavoured to plead for the divine presence for the day, and not without
some life. In the forenoon, I felt the power of intercession for precious,
immortal souls; for the advancement of the kingdom of my dear Lord and
Saviour in the word; and withal, a most sweet resignation, and even consolation
and joy in the thoughts of suffering hardships, distresses, and even death
itself, in the promotion of it; and had special enlargement in pleading
for the enlightening and conversion of the poor heathen. In the afternoon,
God was with me of a truth. O it was blessed company indeed! God
enabled me so to agonize in prayer, that I was quite wet with perspiration,
though in the shade, and the cool wind. My soul was drawn out very much
for the world; for multitudes of souls. I think I had more enlargement
for sinners, than for the children of God; though I felt as if I could
spend my life in cries for both. I enjoyed great sweetness in communion
with my dear Saviour. I think I never in my life felt such an entire weanedness
from this world, and so much resigned to God in every thing.--O that I
may always live to and upon my blessed God! Amen, Amen.
“Tuesday,
April
20.This day I am twenty-four years of age. O how much mercy have I received
the year past! How often has God caused his goodness to pass before
me! And how poorly have I answered the vows I made this time twelvemonth,
to be wholly
the Lord’s, to be for ever devoted to his service!
The Lord help me to live more to his glory for the time to come.--This
has been a sweet, a happy day to me: blessed be God. I think my soul was
never so drawn out in intercession for others, as it has been this
night. Had a most fervent wrestle with the Lord to-night for my enemies;
and I hardly ever so longed to live to God, and to be altogether
devoted to him; I wanted to wear out my life in his service, and for his
glory.
“Wednesday,
April
21.Felt much calmness and resignation, and God again enabled me to wrestle
for numbers of souls, and had much fervency in the sweet duty of intercession.
I enjoyed of late more sweetness in intercession for others, than in any
other part of prayer. My blessed Lord really let me come near to him,
and plead with him.”
The
frame of mind, and exercises of soul, that he expresses the three days
next following, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, are much of the same
kind with those expressed the two days past.
“Lord’s
day, April
25. This morning I spent about two hours in secret duties, and was enabled
more than ordinarily to agonize for immortal souls; though it was early
in the morning, and the sun scarcely shined at all, yet my body was quite
wet with sweat. I felt much pressed now, as frequently of late, to plead
for the meekness and calmness of the Lamb of God in my soul; and through
divine goodness felt much of it this morning. O it is a sweet disposition,
heartily to forgive all injuries done us; to wish our greatest enemies
as well as we do our own souls! Blessed Jesus, may I daily be more and
more conformed to thee. At night I was exceedingly melted with divine love,
and had some feeling sense of the blessedness of the upper world. Those
words hung upon me, with much divine sweetness, Psal. lxxxiv. 7. ‘They
go from strength to strength, every one of them in Zion appeareth before
God.’ O the near access that sometimes gives us in our addresses
to him! This may well be termed appearing before God: it is so indeed,
in the true spiritual sense, and in the sweetest sense. I think I have
not had such power of intercession these many months, both for God’s children,
and for dead sinners, as I have had this evening. I wished and longed for
the coming of my dear Lord: I longed to join the angelic hosts in praises,
wholly free from imperfection. O the blessed moment hastens! All I want
is to be more holy, more like my dear Lord. O for sanctification! My very
soul pants for the complete restoration of the blessed image of my Saviour;
that I may be fit for the blessed enjoyments and employments of the heavenly
world.
‘Farewell,
vain world; my soul can bid adieu;
My
Saviour’s taught me to abandon you.
Your
charms may gratify a sensual mind;
Not
please a soul wholly for God design’d.
Forbear
to entice, cease then my soul to call;
‘Tis
fix’d through grace; my God shall be my all.
While
he thus lets me heavenly glories view,
Your
beauties fade, my heart’s no room for you.’
“The
Lord refreshed my soul with many sweet passages of his word. O the new
Jerusalem! my soul longed for it. O the song of Moses and the Lamb! And
that blessed song, that no man can learn, but they who are redeemed
from the earth! and the glorious white robes, that were given
to the souls under the attar!
‘Lord,
I’m a stranger here alone;
Earth
no true comforts can afford;
Yet,
absent from my dearest one,
My
soul delights to cry, My Lord.
Jesus,
my Lord, my only love,
Possess
my soul, nor thence depart;
Grant
me kind visits, heavenly Dove;
My
God shall then have all my heart.’
“Monday,
April
26. Continued in a sweet frame of mind; but in the afternoon felt something
of spiritual pride stirring. God was pleased to make it an humbling season
at first; though afterwards he gave me sweetness. O my soul exceedingly
longs for that blessed state of perfect deliverance from all sin!--At night,
God enabled me to give my soul up to him, to cast myself upon him, to be
ordered and disposed of according to his sovereign pleasure; and I enjoyed
great peace and consolation in so doing. My soul took sweet delight in
God; my thoughts freely and sweetly centred in him. O that I could spend
every moment of my life to his glory!
“Tuesday,
April 27.
I retired pretty early for secret devotions; and in prayer God was pleased
to pour such ineffable comforts into my soul, that I could do nothing for
some time but say over and over, ‘O my sweet Saviour! O my sweet Saviour!
whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire
beside thee.’ If I had had a thousand lives, my soul would gladly have
laid them all down at once to have been with CHRIST. My soul never enjoyed
so much of heaven before; it was the most refined and the most spiritual
season of communion with God I ever yet felt. I never felt so great a degree
of resignation in my life. In the afternoon I withdrew to meet with
my God, but found myself much declined, and God made it an humbling season
to my soul. I mourned over the body of death that is in me. It grieved
me exceedingly, that I could not pray to and praise God with my heart full
of divine heavenly love.--O that my soul might never offer any dead,
cold services to my God!--In the evening had not so much divine love,
as in the morning; but had a sweet season of fervent intercession.
“Wednesday,
April
28. I withdrew to my usual place of retirement in great peace and tranquillity,
spent about two hours in secret duties, and felt much as I did yesterday
morning, only weaker and more overcome. I seemed to depend wholly on my
dear Lord; wholly weaned from all other dependences. I knew not what to
say to my God, but only lean on his bosom, as it were, and breathe
*
In America, they begin to keep the Lord’s day from six o’clock on Saturday
evening.
324
BRAINERD’S LIFE AND DIARY.
out
my desires after a perfect conformity to him in all things. Thirsting desires,
and insatiable longings, possessed my soul after perfect holiness.
God was so precious to my soul, that the world with all its enjoyments
was infinitely vile. I had no more value for the favour of men, than for
pebbles. The LORD was my ALL; and that he overruled all, greatly
delighted me. I think, my faith and dependence on God scarce ever rose
so high. I saw him such a fountain of goodness, that it seemed impossible
I should distrust him again, or be any way anxious about any thing that
should happen to me. I now enjoyed great sweetness in praying for absent
friends, and for the enlargement of Christ’s kingdom in the world.--Much
of the power of these divine enjoyments remained with me through the day.--In
the evening my heart seemed to melt, and, I trust, was really humbled or
indwelling corruption, and I mourned like a dove. I felt, that all
my unhappiness arose from my being a sinner. With resignation I
could bid welcome to all other trials; but sin hung heavy
upon me; for God discovered to me the corruption of my heart. I went to
bed with a heavy heart, because I was a sinner; though I did not
in the least doubt of God’s love. O that God would purge away my dross,
and take away my tin, and make me seven times refined!
“Thursday,
April
29. I was kept off at a distance from God;--but had some enlargement in
intercession for precious souls.
“Friday,
April
30. I was somewhat dejected in spirit: nothing grieves me so much, as that
I cannot live constantly to God’s glory. I could bear any desertion or
spiritual conflicts, if I could but have my heart all the while
burning within me with love to God and desires of his glory. But
this is impossible; for
when I feel these, I cannot be dejected
in my soul, but only rejoice in my Saviour, who has delivered me
from the reigning power, and will shortly deliver me from the indwelling
of sin.
“Saturday,
May
1. I was enabled to cry to God with fervency for ministerial qualifications,
that he would appear for the advancement of his own kingdom, and that he
would bring in the heathen, &c. Had much assistance in my studies.--This
has been a profitable week to me; I have enjoyed many communications of
the blessed Spirit in my soul.
“Lord’s
day, May
2. God was pleased this morning to give me such a sight of myself, as made
me appear very vile in my own eyes. I felt corruption stirring in my heart,
which I could by no means suppress; felt more and more deserted; was exceeding
weak, and almost sick with my inward trials.
“Monday,
May
3. Had a sense of vile ingratitude. In the morning I withdrew to my usual
place of retirement, and mourned for my abuse of my dear Lord: spent the
day in fasting and prayer. God gave me much power of wrestling for his
cause and kingdom; and it was a happy day to my soul. God was with me all
the day, and I was more above the world than ever in my life.”
Through
the remaining part of this week he complains almost every day of
desertion, inward trials and conflicts, attended with dejection of spirit;
but yet speaks of times of relief and sweetness, and daily refreshing visits
of the divine Spirit, affording special assistance and comfort, and enabling,
at some times, to much fervency and enlargement in religious duties.
“Lord’s
day, May
9. I think I never felt so much of the cursed pride of my heart,
as well as the stubbornness of my will, before. Oh dreadful! what
a vile wretch I am! I could submit to be nothing, and to lie down in the
dust. O that God would humble me in the dust! I felt myself such a sinner,
all day, that I had scarce any comfort. O when shall I be delivered
from the body of this death! I greatly feared, lest through stupidity
and carelessness I should lose the benefit of these trials. O that they
might be sanctified to my soul! Nothing seemed to touch me but only this,
that I was a sinner.--Had a fervency and refreshment in social prayer
in the evening.
“Monday,
May
10. I rode to New-Haven; saw some christian friends there; and had comfort
in joining in prayer with them, and hearing of the goodness of God to them,
since I last saw them.
“Tuesday,
May
11. I rode from New-Haven to Weathersfield; was very dull most of the day;
had little spirituality in this journey, though I often longed to be alone
with God; was much perplexed with vile thoughts; was sometimes afraid of
every thing: but God was my helper.--Catched a little time
for retirement in the evening, to my comfort and rejoicing. Alas! I cannot
live in the midst of a tumult. I long to enjoy God alone.
“Wednesday,
May
12. I had a distressing view of the pride, enmity, and vileness of my heart.--Afterwards
had sweet refreshment in conversing, and worshipping God, with christian
friends.
“Thursday,
May
13. Saw so much of the wickedness of my heart, that I longed to get away
from myself. I never before thought there was so much spiritual pride
in my soul. I felt almost pressed to death with my own vileness. Oh
what a body of death is there in me! Lord, deliver my soul.
I could not find any convenient place for retirement, and was greatly
exercised.--Rode to Hartford in the afternoon: had some refreshment
and comfort in religious exercises with christian friends; but longed for
more retirement. O the closest walk with God is the sweetest heaven that
can be enjoyed on earth!
“Friday,
May
14. I waited on a council of ministers convened at Hartford, and spread
before them the treatment I had met with from the rector and tutors of
Yale college; who thought it adviseable to intercede for me with the rector
and trustees, and to entreat them to restore me to my former privileges
in college.*--After this, spent some time in religious exercises with christian
friends.
“Saturday,
May
15. I rode from Hartford to Hebron; was somewhat dejected on the road;
appeared exceeding vile in my own eyes, saw much pride and stubbornness
in my heart. Indeed I never saw such a week as this before; for I have
been almost ready to die with the view of the wickedness of my heart. I
could not have thought I had such a body of death in me. Oh that
God would deliver my soul!”
The
three next days (which he spent at Hebron, Lebanon, and Norwich)
he complains still of dulness and desertion, and expresses a sense of his
vileness, and longing to hide himself in some cave or den of the earth:
but yet speaks of some intervals of comfort and soul-refreshment each day.
“Wednesday,
May
19. (At Millington) I was so amazingly deserted this morning, that I seemed
to feel a sort of horror in my soul. Alas! when God withdraws, what is
there that can afford any comfort to the soul!”
Through
the eight days next following he expresses more calmness and comfort,
and considerable life, fervency, and sweetness in religion.
“Friday,
May
28. (At New-Haven) I think I scarce ever felt so calm in my life;
I rejoiced in resignation, and giving myself up to God, to be wholly
and entirely devoted to him for ever.”
On
the three following days there was, by the account he gives, a continuance
of the same excellent frame of mind, last expressed: but it seems not to
be altogether to so great a degree.
“Tuesday,
June
1. Had much of the presence of God in family prayer, and had some comfort
in secret. I was greatly refreshed from the word of God this morning, which
appeared exceeding sweet to me: some things that appeared mysterious, were
opened to me. O that the kingdom of the dear Saviour might come with power,
and the healing waters of the sanctuary spread far and wide for the healing
of the nations!--Came to Ripton; but was very weak. However, being visited
by a number of young people in the evening, I prayed with them.”
The
remaining part of this week he speaks of being much diverted and
hindered in the business of religion, by great weakness of body, and necessary
affairs he had to attend; and complains of having but little power in religion;
but signifies, that God hereby showed him he was like a helpless infant
cast out in the open field.
“Lord’s
day, June
6. I feel much deserted: but all
*
The application which was then made an his behalf, had not the desired
success.
PART
II. A.D. 1742. APRIL-JULY. ÆT. 25. 325
this
teaches me my nothingness and vileness more than ever.
“Monday,
June
7. Felt still powerless in secret prayer. Afterwards I prayed and conversed
with some little life. God feeds me with crumbs: blessed be his name for
any thing. I felt a great desire, that all God’s people might know how
mean and little and vile I am; that they might see I am nothing, that so
they might pray for me aright, and not have the least dependence upon me.
“Tuesday,
June
8. I enjoyed one sweet and precious season this day: I never felt it so
sweet to be nothing, and less than nothing, and to be accounted
nothing.”
The
three next days he complains of desertion, and want of fervency
in religion; but yet his diary shows that every day his heart was
engaged in religion, as his great, and, as it were, only
business.
“Saturday,
June
12. Spent much time in prayer this morning, and enjoyed much sweetness:--felt
insatiable longings after God much of the day. I wondered how poor souls
do to live that have no God.--The world, with all its enjoyments,
quite vanished. I see myself very helpless: but I have a blessed God to
go to. I longed exceedingly to be dissolved, and to be with Christ,
to behold his glory. Oh, my weak, weary soul longs to arrive at my
Father’s house!
“Lord’s
day, June
13. Felt something calm and resigned in the public worship: at the sacrament
saw myself very vile and worthless. O that I may always lie low in the
dust. My soul seemed steadily to go forth after God, in longing desires
to live upon him.
“Monday,
June
14. Felt something of the sweetness of communion with God, and the constraining
force of his love: how admirably it captivates the soul, and makes
all the desires and affections to centre in God!--I set apart this day
for secret fasting and prayer, to entreat God to direct and bless me with
regard to the great work I have in view, of preaching the gospel;
and that the Lord would return to me, and show me the light of his countenance.
Had little life and power in the forenoon: near the middle of the afternoon,
God enabled me to wrestle ardently in intercession for absent friends:--but
just at night, the Lord visited me marvellously in prayer: I think my soul
never was in such an agony before. I felt no restraint; for the treasures
of divine grace were opened to me. I wrestled for absent friends, for the
ingathering of souls, for multitudes of poor souls, and for many
that I thought were the children of God, personally, in many distant
places. I was in such an agony, from sun half an hour high, till near dark,
that I was all over wet with sweat; but yet it seemed to me that I had
wasted away the day, and had done nothing. Oh, my dear Jesus did sweat
blood for poor souls! I longed for more compassion towards them.--Felt
still in a sweet frame, under a sense of divine love and grace; and went
to bed in such a frame, with my heart set on God.
“Tuesday,
June
15. Had the most ardent longings after God that ever I felt in my life:
at noon, in my secret retirement, I could do nothing but tell my dear Lord,
in a sweet calm, that he knew I longed for nothing but himself,
nothing but holiness; that he had given me these desires,
and he only could give me the thing desired. I never seemed to be
so unhinged from myself, and to be so wholly devoted to God. My
heart was swallowed up in God most of the day. In the evening I had such
a view of the soul being as it were enlarged, to contain more holiness,
that it seemed ready to separate from my body. I then wrestled in an agony
for divine blessings; had my heart drawn out in prayer for some christian
friends, beyond what I ever had before.--I feel differently now from whatever
I did under any enjoyments before; more engaged to live to God for
ever, and less pleased with my own frames. I am not satisfied with my frames,
nor feel at all more easy after such strugglings than before; for it seems
far too little, if I could always be so. Oh how short do I fall
of my duty in my sweetest moments!”
In
his diary for the two next days he expresses something of the same
frame, but in a far less degree.*
“Friday,
June
18. Considering my great unfitness for the work of the ministry,
my present deadness, and total inability to do any thing for the glory
of God that way, feeling myself very helpless, and at a great loss what
the Lord would have to do; I set apart this day for prayer to God,
and spent most of the day in that duty, but amazingly deserted most of
the day. Yet I found God graciously near, once in particular; while I was
pleading, for more compassion for immortal souls, my heart seemed
to be opened at once, and I was enabled to cry with great ardency,
for a few minutes.--Oh, I was distressed to think, that I should offer
such dead, cold services to the living God! My soul seemed
to breathe after holiness, a life of constant devotedness to God. But I
am almost lost sometimes in the pursuit of this blessedness, and ready
to sink, because I continually fall short and miss of my desire. O that
the Lord would help me to hold out, yet a little while, till the happy
hour of deliverance comes!
“Saturday,
June
19.Felt much disordered; my spirits were very low: but yet enjoyed some
freedom and sweetness in the duties of religion. Blessed be God.
“Lord’s
day, June
20. Spent much time alone. My soul longed to be holy, and reached
after God; but seemed not to obtain my desire. I hungered and thirsted;
but was not refreshed and satisfied. My soul hung on God, as my only portion.
O that I could grow in grace more abundantly every day!”
The
next day he speaks of his having assistance in his studies, and
power, fervency, and comfort in prayer.
“Tuesday,
June
22.
In the morning spent about two hours in prayer and meditation,
with considerable delight. Towards night, felt my soul go out in longing
desires after God, in secret retirement. In the evening, was sweetly composed
and resigned to God’s will; was enabled to leave myself and all my concerns
with him, and to have my whole dependence upon him. My secret retirement
was very refreshing to my soul; it appeared such a happiness to have God
for my portion, that I had rather be any other creature in this lower creation,
than not come to the enjoyment of God. I had rather be a beast, than a
man without God, if I were to live here to eternity. Lord, endear thyself
more to me!”
In
his diary for the next seven days he expresses a variety of exercises
of mind. He speaks of great longings after God and holiness, and earnest
desires for the conversion of others; of fervency in prayer, power to wrestle
with God, composure, comfort, and sweetness, from time to time; but expresses
a sense of the vile abomination of his heart, and bitterly complains of
his barrenness, and the pressing body of death; and says, he “saw clearly
that whatever he enjoyed, better than hell, was of free grace.” He complains
of being exceeding low, much below the character of a child of God; and
is sometimes very disconsolate and dejected.
“Wednesday,
June
30.
Spent this day alone in the woods, in fasting and prayer; underwent
the most dreadful conflicts in my soul that ever I felt, in some respects.
I saw myself so vile, that I was ready to say, “I shall now perish by the
hand of Saul.” I thought, and almost concluded, I had no power to stand
for the cause of God, but was almost “afraid of the shaking of a leaf.”
Spent almost the whole day in prayer, incessantly. I could not bear to
think of Christians showing me any respect. I almost despaired of doing
any service in the world: I could not feel any hope or comfort respecting
the heathen, which used to afford me some refreshment in the darkest hours
of this nature. I spent the day in the bitterness of my soul. Near
night, I felt a little better; and afterwards enjoyed some sweetness in
secret prayer.
“Thursday,
July
1. Had some sweetness in prayer this morning.--Felt exceeding sweetly
in secret prayer to-night, and desired nothing so ardently as that God
should do with me just as he pleased.
“Friday,
July
2. Felt composed in secret prayer in the morning.--My desires ascended
to God this day, as I was travelling: and was comfortable in the evening.
Blessed be God for all my consolation.
“Saturday,
July
3. My heart seemed again to sink.
*
Here end the 30 first pages of the third volume of his diary, which he
speaks of in the beginning of this volume, (as observed before,) as containing
a specimen of his ordinary manner of living, through the
whole space of time, from the beginning of those two volumes that were
destroyed.
326
BRAINERD’S LIFE AND DIARY.
The
disgrace I was laid under at college, seemed to damp me; as it opens the
mouths of opposers. I had no refuge but in God. Blessed be his name, that
I may go to him
at all times, and find him a present help.
“Lord’s
day, July
4. Had considerable assistance. In the evening I withdrew, and enjoyed
a happy season in secret prayer. God was pleased to give me the exercise
of faith, and thereby brought the invisible and eternal world near to my
soul; which appeared sweetly to me. I hoped, that my weary pilgrimage
in the world would be short; and that it would not be long
before I was brought to my heavenly home and Father’s house. I was resigned
to God’s will, to tarry his time, to do his work, and suffer his pleasure.
I felt thankfulness to God for all my pressing desertions
of late; for I am persuaded they have been made a means of making me more
humble, and much more resigned. I felt pleased, to be little, to
be nothing, and to lie in the dust. I enjoyed life and consolation
in pleading for the dear children of God, and the kingdom of Christ in
the world; and my soul earnestly breathed after holiness, and the enjoyment
of God. O come, Lord Jesus, come quickly.”
By
his diary for the remaining days of this week, it appears that he
enjoyed considerable composure and tranquillity, and had sweetness and
fervency of spirit in prayer, from day to day.
“Lord’s
day, July
11. Was deserted, and exceedingly dejected, in the morning. In the
afternoon, had some life and assistance, and felt resigned. I saw myself
exceeding vile.”
On
the two next days he expresses inward comfort, resignation, and
strength in God.
“Wednesday,
July
14. Felt a kind of humble resigned sweetness: spent a considerable time
in secret, giving myself up wholly to the Lord.--Heard Mr. Bellamy preach
towards night: felt very sweetly part of the time: longed for nearer access
to God.”
The
four next days he expresses considerable comfort and fervency of
spirit, in christian conversation and religious exercises.
“Monday,
July
19. My desires seem especially to be carried out after weanedness from
the world, perfect deadness to it, and to be even crucified to
all its allurements. My soul longs to feel itself more of a pilgrim
and stranger here below; that nothing may divert me from pressing
through the lonely desert, till I arrive at my Father’s house.
“Tuesday,
July
20.
It was sweet to give away myself to God, to be disposed of at
his pleasure; and had some feeling sense of the sweetness of being a pilgrim
on earth.”
The
next day he expresses himself as determined to be wholly devoted
to God; and it appears by his diary, that he spent the whole day in a most
diligent exercise of religion, and exceeding comfortably.
“Thursday,
July
22. Journeying from Southbury to Ripton, I called at a house by the way;
where being very kindly entertained and refreshed, I was filled with amazement
and shame, that God should stir up the hearts of any to show so much kindness
to such a dead dog as I; was made sensible, in some measure, how
exceedingly vile it is, not to be wholly devoted to God. I wondered that
God would suffer any of his creatures to feed and sustain me from time
to time.”
In
his diary for the six next days are expressed various exercises
and experiences; such as, sweet composure and fervency of spirit in meditation
and prayer, weanedness from the world, being sensibly a pilgrim and stranger
on the earth, engagedness of mind to spend every inch of time for God,
&c.
“Thursday,
July
29. I was examined by the Association met at Danbury, as to my learning,
and also my experiences in religion, and received a licence from
them to preach the gospel of Christ. Afterwards felt much devoted to God;
joined in prayer with one of the ministers, my peculiar friend, in a convenient
place; went to bed resolving to live devoted to God all my days.
PART III.
FROM
THE TIME OF HIS BEING LICENSED TO PREACH BY THE ASSOCIATION, TILL HE WAS
EXAMINED IN NEW YORK, BY THE CORRESPONDENTS, OR COMMISSIONERS OF THE SOCIETY
IN SCOTLAND FOR PROPAGATING CHRISTIAN KNOWLEDGE, AND APPROVED AND APPOINTED
AS THEIR MISSIONARY TO THE INDIANS.
“Friday,
July
30, 1742. Rode from Danbury to Southbury; preached there from 1 Pet. iv.
8. ‘And above all things have fervent charity,’ &c. Had much of the
comfortable presence of God in the exercise. I seemed to have power with
God in prayer, and power to get hold of the hearts of the people in preaching.
“Saturday,
July
31. Exceeding calm and composed, and was greatly refreshed and encouraged.”
It
appears by his diary, that he continued in this sweetness and tranquillity
almost through the whole of the next week.
“Lord’s
day, Aug.
8. In the morning I felt comfortably in secret prayer; my soul was refreshed
with the hopes of the heathen coming home to Christ; was much resigned
to God, and thought it was no matter what became of me.--Preached
both parts of the day at Bethlehem, from Job xiv. 14. “If a man die, shall
he live again,” &c. It was sweet to me to meditate on death.
In the evening felt very comfortably, and cried to God fervently in secret
prayer.”
It
appears by his diary, that he continued through the three next days
engaged with all his might in the business of religion, and in almost
a constant enjoyment of the comforts of it.
“Thursday,
Aug.
12. This morning and last night I was exercised with sore inward trials:
I had no power to pray; but seemed shut out from God. I had in a great
measure lost my hopes of God sending me among the heathen afar off, and
of seeing them flock home to Christ. I saw so much of my hellish vileness,
that I appeared worse to myself than any devil: I wondered that God would
let me live, and wondered that people did not stone me, much more that
they would ever hear me preach! It seemed as though I never could nor should
preach any more; yet about nine or ten o’clock, the people came over, and
I was forced to preach. And blessed be God, he gave me his presence and
Spirit in prayer and preaching: so that I was much assisted and spake with
power from Job xiv. 14. Some Indians cried out in great distress,* and
all appeared greatly concerned. After we had prayed and exhorted them to
seek the Lord with constancy, and hired an Englishwoman to keep a kind
of school among them, we came away about one o’clock, and came to
Judea, about fifteen or sixteen miles. There God was pleased to visit my
soul with much comfort. Blessed be the Lord for all things I meet with.”
It
appears that the two next days he had much comfort, and had his heart much
engaged in religion.
“Lord’s
day, Aug.
15. Felt much comfort and devotedness to God this day. At night it was
refreshing to get alone with God, and pour out my soul. O who can
conceive of the sweetness of communion with the blessed God, but those
who have experience of it! Glory to God for ever, that I may taste heaven
below.
“Monday,
Aug.
16. Had some comfort in secret prayer, in the morning.--Felt sweetly sundry
times in prayer this day: but was much perplexed in the evening with vain
conversation.
“Tuesday,
Aug.
17. Exceedingly depressed in spirit, it cuts and wounds my heart, to think
how much
self-exaltation, spiritual pride, and warmth of temper,
I have formerly had intermingled with my endeavours to promote God’s
work: and sometimes I long to lie down at the feet of opposers, and confess
what a poor imperfect creature I have been, and still am. Oh, the Lord
forgive me, and make me for the future “wise as a serpent, and harmless
as a dove!” Afterwards enjoyed considerable comfort and delight of soul.
*
It was in a place near Kent, in the western borders of Connecticut, where
there is a number of Indians.
PART
III. A.D. 1742. JULY-NOVEMBER. ÆT. 25. 327
“Wednesday,
Aug.
18. Spent most of this day in prayer and reading.--I see so much of my
own extreme vileness, that I feel ashamed and guilty before God and man;
I look to myself like the vilest fellow in the land: I wonder that God
stirs up his people to be so kind to me.
“Thursday,
Aug.
19. This day, being about to go from Mr. Bellamy’s at Bethlehem, where
I had resided some time, I prayed with him, and two or three other christian
friends. We gave ourselves to God with all our hearts, to be his for ever:
eternity looked very near to me, while I was praying. If I never should
see these Christians again in this world, it seemed but a few moments before
I should meet them in another world.
“Friday,
Aug.
20. I appeared so vile to myself, that I hardly dared to think of being
seen especially on account of spiritual pride. However, to-night I enjoyed
a sweet hour alone with God (at Ripton): I was lifted above the frowns
and flatteries of this lower world, had a sweet relish of heavenly joys,
and my soul did as it were get into the eternal world, and really taste
of heaven. I had a sweet season of intercession for dear friends in Christ;
and God helped me to cry fervently for Zion. Blessed be God for this
season.
“Saturday,
Aug.
21. Was much perplexed in the morning.--Towards noon enjoyed more of God
in secret, was enabled to see that it was best to throw myself into the
hands of God, to be disposed of according to his pleasure, and rejoiced
in such thoughts. In the afternoon rode to New-Haven; was much confused
all the way.--Just at night underwent such a dreadful conflict as I have
scarce ever felt. I saw myself exceedingly vile and unworthy; so that I
was guilty, and ashamed that any body should bestow any favour on me, or
show me any respect.
“Lord’s
day, Aug.
22. In the morning, continued still in perplexity.--In the evening, enjoyed
that comfort that seemed to me sufficient to overbalance all my late distresses.
I saw that God is the only soul-satisfying portion, and I really found
satisfaction in him. My soul was much enlarged in sweet intercession for
my fellowmen every where, and for many christian friends in particular,
in distant places.
“Monday,
Aug.
23. Had a sweet season in secret prayer: the Lord drew near to my soul,
and filled me with peace and divine consolation. O my soul tasted the sweetness
of the upper world; and was drawn out in prayer for the world, that it
might come home to Christ! Had much comfort in the thoughts and hopes of
the ingathering of the heathen; was greatly assisted in intercession for
christian friends.”
He
continued still in the same frame of mind the next day, but in a
lesser degree.
“Wednesday,
Aug.
25. In family prayer, God helped me to climb up near him, so that I scarce
ever got nearer.”
The
four next days, he appears to have been the subject of desertion,
and of comfort, and fervency in religion, interchangeably, together with
a sense of vileness and unprofitableness.
“Monday,
Aug.
30. Felt something comfortably in the morning; conversed sweetly with some
friends; was in a serious composed frame; and prayed at a certain house
with some degree of sweetness. Afterwards, at another house, prayed privately
with a dear christian friend or two; and I think I scarce ever launched
so far into the eternal world as then; I got so far out on the broad ocean
that my soul with joy triumphed over all the evils on the shores of mortality.
I think time, and all its gay amusements and cruel disappointments, never
appeared so inconsiderable to me before. I was in a sweet frame; I saw
myself nothing, and my soul reached after God with intense desire. O! I
saw what I owed to God, in such a manner, as I scarce ever did: I knew
I had never lived a moment to him as I should do; indeed it appeared to
me I had never done any thing in Christianity: my soul longed with a vehement
desire to live to God.--In the evening, sung and prayed with a number
of Christians: felt the powers of the world to come in my soul,
in prayer. Afterwards prayed again privately, with a dear Christian or
two, and found the presence of God; was something humbled in my secret
retirement: felt my ingratitude, because I was not wholly swallowed up
in God.”
He
was in a sweet frame great part of the next day.
“Wednesday,
Sept.
1. Went to Judea, to the ordination of Mr. Judd. Dear Mr. Bellamy preached
from Matt. xxiv. 46. ‘Blessed is that servant,’ &c. I felt very solemn
most of the time; had my thoughts much on that time when our Lord will
come; that time refreshed my soul much; only I was afraid I should
not be found faithful, because I had so vile a heart. My thoughts
were much in eternity, where I love to dwell. Blessed be God for this solemn
season.--Rode home to-night with Mr. Bellamy, conversed with some friends
till it was very late, and then retired to rest in a comfortable frame.
“Thursday,
Sept.
2. About two in the afternoon I preached from John vi. 67. ‘Then said Jesus
unto the twelve, Will ye also go away?’ and God assisted me in some comfortable
degree; but more especially in my first prayer: my soul seemed then to
launch quite into the eternal world, and to be as it were separated from
this lower world.--Afterwards preached again from Isa. v. 4. ‘What could
have been done more,’ &c. God gave me some assistance; but I saw myself
a poor worm.”
On
Friday, Sept. 3. He complains of having but little life in the things
of God, the former part of the day, but afterwards speaks of sweetness
and enlargement.
“Saturday,
Sept.
4. Much out of health, exceedingly depressed in my soul, and at an awful
distance from God.--Towards night spent some time in profitable thoughts
on Rom. viii. 2. ‘For the law of the spirit of life,’ &c.--Near night
had a very sweet season in prayer; God enabled me to wrestle ardently for
the advancement of the Redeemer’s kingdom; pleaded earnestly for my own
dear brother John, that God would make him more of a pilgrim and stranger
on the earth, and fit him for singular serviceableness in the world; and
my heart sweetly exulted in the Lord, in the thoughts of any distresses
that might alight on him or me, in the advancement of Christ’s kingdom.--It
was a sweet and comfortable hour unto my soul, while I was indulged with
freedom to plead, not only for myself, but also for many other souls.
“Lord’s
day, Sept.
5. Preached all day: was somewhat strengthened and assisted in the afternoon;
more especially in the evening: had a sense of my unspeakable shortcomings
in all my duties. I found, alas! that I had never lived to God in my life.
“Monday,
Sept.
6. Was informed, that they only waited for an opportunity to apprehend
me for preaching at New-Haven lately, that so they might imprison me. This
made me more solemn and serious, and to quit all hopes of the world’s friendship:
it brought me to a further sense of my vileness, and just desert of this,
and much more, from the hand of God, though not from the hand of man. Retired
into a convenient place in the woods, and spread the matter before God.
“Tuesday,
Sept.
7. Had some relish of divine things in the morning. Afterwards felt more
barren and melancholy. Rode to New-Haven, to a friend’s house at a distance
from the town; that I might remain undiscovered, and yet have opportunity
to do business privately with friends which come to commencement.
“Wednesday,
Sept.
8. Felt very sweetly when I first rose in the morning. In family prayer
had some enlargement, but not much spirituality, till eternity came
up before me, and looked near: I found some sweetness in the thoughts of
bidding a dying farewell to this tiresome world. Though some time ago I
reckoned upon seeing my dear friends at commencement; yet being now denied
the opportunity, for fear of imprisonment, I felt totally resigned, and
as contented to spend this day alone in the woods, as I could have done,
if I had been allowed to go to town. Felt exceedingly weaned from the world
to-day.--In the afternoon I discoursed on divine things with a dear christian
friend, whereby we were both refreshed. Then I prayed, with a sweet sense
of the blessedness of communion with God: I think I scarce ever enjoyed
more of God in any one prayer. O it was a blessed season indeed to my soul;
I know not that ever I saw so much of my own nothingness in my life; never
wondered so, that God allowed me to preach his word.--This has been a sweet
and comfortable day to my soul. Blessed be God.--Prayed again with
my dear friend, with something of
328
BRAINERD’S LIFE AND DIARY.
the
divine presence.--I long to be wholly conformed to God, and transformed
into his image.
“Thursday,
Sept.
9. Spent much of the day alone: enjoyed the presence of God in some comfortable
degree: was visited by some dear friends, and prayed with them: wrote sundry
letters to friends; felt religion in my soul while writing: enjoyed sweet
meditations on some scriptures.--In the evening, went very privately into
town, from the place of my residence at the farms, and conversed with some
dear friends; felt sweetly in singing hymns with them: and made my escape
to the farms again, without being discovered by my enemies, as I knew of.
Thus the Lord preserves me continually.
“Friday,
Sept.
10. Longed with intense desire after God; my whole soul seemed impatient
to be conformed to him, and to become ‘holy, as he is holy.’--In the afternoon,
prayed with a dear friend privately, and had the presence of God with us;
our souls united together to reach after a blessed immortality, to be unclothed
of the body of sin and death, and to enter the blessed world, where no
unclean thing enters. O, with what intense desire did our souls long for
that blessed day, that we might be freed from sin, and for ever live to
and in our God!--In the evening, took leave of that house; but first
kneeled down and prayed; the Lord was of a truth in the midst of us; it
was a sweet parting season; felt in myself much sweetness and affection
in the things of God. Blessed be God for every such divine gale of his
Spirit, to speed me on in my way to the new Jerusalem!--Felt some sweetness
afterwards, and spent the evening in conversation with friends, and prayed
with some life, and retired to rest very late.”
The
five next days he appears to have been in an exceeding comfortable
frame of mind, for the most part, and to have been the subject of the like
heavenly exercises as are often expressed in preceding passages of his
diary; such as, having his heart much engaged for God, wrestling with him
in prayer with power and ardency; enjoying at times sweet calmness and
composure of mind, giving himself up to God to be his for ever, with great
complacence of mind; being wholly resigned to the will of God, that he
might do with him what he pleased; longing to improve time, having the
eternal world as it were brought nigh; longing after God and holiness,
earnestly desiring a complete conformity to him, and wondering how poor
souls do to exist without God.
“Thursday,
Sept.
16. At night enjoyed much of God in secret prayer: felt an uncommon resignation,
to
be and do what God pleased. Some days past I felt great
perplexity on account of my past conduct: my bitterness, and
want of christian kindness and love, has been very distressing to
my soul: the Lord forgive me my unchristian warmth, and want of
a spirit of meekness!”
The
next day he speaks of much resignation, calmness, and peace of mind,
and near views of the eternal world.
“Saturday
Sept.
18. Felt some compassion for souls, and mourned I had no more. I feel much
more kindness, meekness, gentleness, and love towards all mankind, than
ever. I long to be at the feet of my enemies and persecutors: enjoyed some
sweetness, in feeling my soul conformed to Christ Jesus, and given away
to him ever.”
The
next day he speaks of much dejection and discouragement, from an
apprehension of his own unfitness ever to do any good in preaching; but
blesses God for all dispensations of providence and grace; finding that
by all God weaned him more from the world, and made him more resigned.
The
next ten days he appears to have been for the most part under great
degrees of melancholy, exceedingly dejected and discouraged: speaks of
his being ready to give up all for gone respecting the cause of Christ,
and exceedingly longing to die: yet had some sweet seasons and intervals
of comfort, and special assistance and enlargement in the duties of religion,
and in performing public services, and considerable success in them.
“Thursday,
Sept.
30. Still very low in spirits; I did not know how to engage in any work
or business, especially to correct some disorders among Christians;
felt as though I had no power to be faithful in that regard. However, towards
noon I preached from Deut. viii. 2. ‘And thou shalt remember,’ &c.
and was enabled with freedom to reprove some things in Christians’ conduct,
that I thought very unsuitable and irregular; insisted near two hours on
this subject.
Through
this
and the two following weeks he passed through a variety
of exercises: he was frequently dejected, and felt inward distresses; and
sometimes sunk into the depths of melancholy: at which turns he was not
exercised about the state of his soul, with regard to the favour
of God, and his interest in Christ, but about his own sinful infirmities,
and unfitness for God’s service. His mind appears sometimes extremely depressed
and sunk with a sense of inexpressible vileness. But in the mean time he
speaks of many seasons of comfort and spiritual refreshment, wherein his
heart was encouraged and strengthened in God, and sweetly resigned to his
will; of some seasons of very high degrees of spiritual consolation, and
of his great longings after holiness and conformity to God; of his great
fear of offending God, and of his heart being sweetly melted in religious
duties; of his longing for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom, of his
having at times much assistance in preaching, and of remarkable effects
on the auditory.
“Lord’s
day, Oct.
17. Had a considerable sense of my helplessness and inability; saw that
I must be dependent on God for all I want; and especially when I went to
the place of public worship. I found I could not speak a word for God without
his special help and assistance. I went into the assembly trembling, as
I frequently do, under a sense of my insufficiency to do any thing in the
cause of God, as I ought to do.--But it pleased God to afford me much assistance,
and there seemed to be a considerable effect on the hearers.--In the evening
I felt a disposition to praise God, for his goodness to me, that he had
enabled me in some measure to be faithful; and my soul rejoiced to think,
that I had thus performed the work of one day more, and was one day nearer
my eternal, and I trust my heavenly, home. O that I might
be “faithful to the death, fulfilling as an hireling my day,” till the
shades of the evening of life shall free my soul from the toils of the
day! This evening, in secret prayer, I felt exceeding solemn, and such
longing desires after deliverance from sin, and after conformity to God,
as melted my heart. Oh, I longed to be “delivered from this body of death!”
I felt inward pleasing pain, that I could not be conformed to God entirely,
fully, and for ever.--I scarce ever preach without being first visited
with inward conflicts and sore trials. Blessed be the Lord for these trials
and distresses as they are blessed for my humbling.
“Monday,
Oct.
18.
In the morning I felt some sweetness, but still pressed through
trials of soul. My life is a constant mixture of consolations and conflicts,
and will be so till I arrive at the world of spirits.
“Tuesday,
Oct.
19.
This morning and last night I felt a sweet longing in my soul
after holiness. My soul seemed so to reach and stretch towards the mark
of perfect sanctity, that it was ready to break with longings.
“Wednesday,
Oct.
20.
Exceeding infirm in body, exercised with much pain, and very
lifeless in divine things.--Felt a little sweetness in the evening.
“Thursday,
Oct.
21.
Had a very deep sense of the vanity of the world most of the
day; had little more regard to it than if I had been to go into eternity
the next hour. Through divine goodness, I felt very serious and solemn.
O, I love to live on the brink of eternity, in my views and meditations!
This gives me a sweet, awful, and reverential sense and apprehension of
God and divine things, when I see myself as it were standing before
the judgment-seat of Christ.
“Friday,
Oct.
22.
Uncommonly weaned from the world to-day: my soul delighted to
be a stranger and pilgrim on the earth; I felt a disposition in
me never to have any thing to do with this world. The character given of
some of the ancient people of God, in Heb. xi. 13. was very pleasing to
me, ‘They confessed that they were pilgrims and strangers on the earth,’
by their daily practice; and O that I could always do so!--Spent some considerable
time in a pleasant grove, in prayer and meditation. O it is sweet to be
thus weaned from friends, and from myself, and dead to the present world,
that so I may
PART
III. A.D. 1742. JULY-NOVEMBER. ÆT. 25. 329
live
wholly to and upon the blessed God! Saw myself little,
low, and vile in myself.--In the afternoon preached at Bethlehem, from
Deut. viii. 2. God helped me to speak to the hearts of dear Christians.
Blessed be the Lord for this season: I trust they and I shall rejoice on
this account to all eternity.--Dear Mr. Bellamy came in, while I was making
the first prayer; (being returned home from a journey;) and after meeting
we walked away together, and spent the evening in sweetly conversing on
divine things, and praying together, with sweet and tender love to each
other, and returned to rest with our hearts in a serious spiritual frame.
“Saturday,
Oct.
23. Somewhat perplexed and confused. Rode this day from Bethlehem to Simsbury.
“Lord’s
day, Oct.
24. Felt so vile and unworthy, that I scarce knew how to converse with
human creatures.
“Monday,
Oct.
25. [At Turky-Hills] In the evening I enjoyed the divine presence in secret
prayer. It was a sweet and comfortable season to me; my soul longed
for God, for the living God: enjoyed a sweet solemnity of spirit, and
longing desire after the recovery of the divine image in my soul. ‘Then
shall I be satisfied, when I shall awake in God’s likeness,’ and never
before.
“Tuesday,
Oct.
26. [At West-Suffield] Underwent the most dreadful distresses, under a
sense of my own unworthiness. It seemed to me, I deserved rather to be
driven out of the place, than to have any body treat me with any kindness,
or come to hear me preach. And verily my spirits were so depressed at this
time, (as at many others,) that it was impossible I should treat immortal
souls with faithfulness. I could not deal closely and faithfully with them,
I fell infinitely vile in myself. Oh, what dust and ashes I am,
to think of preaching the gospel to others! Indeed I never can be faithful
for one moment, but shall certainly ‘daub with untempered mortar,’ if God
do not grant me special help.--In the evening I went to the meeting-house,
and it looked to me near as easy for one to rise out of the grave and preach,
as for me. However, God afforded me some life and power, both in prayer
and sermon; and was pleased to lift me up, and show me that he could enable
me to preach. O the wonderful goodness of God to so vile a sinner!--Returned
to my quarters; and enjoyed some sweetness in prayer alone, and mourned
that I could not live more to God.
“Wednesday,
Oct.
27. I spent the forenoon in prayer and meditation; was not a little concerned
about preaching in the afternoon: felt exceedingly without strength,
and very helpless indeed; and went into the meeting-house, ashamed to see
any come to hear such an unspeakably worthless wretch. However, God enabled
me to speak with clearness, power, and pungency But there was some noise
and tumult in the assembly, that I did not well like; and endeavoured to
bear public testimony against it with moderation and mildness, through
the current of my discourse.--In the evening, was enabled to be in some
measure thankful and devoted to God.”
The
frames and exercises of his mind during the four next days were
mostly very similar to those of the two days past; excepting intervals
of considerable degrees of divine peace and consolation.
The
things expressed within the space of the three following days are
such as these; some seasons of dejection, mourning for being so destitute
of the exercises of grace, longing to be delivered from sin, pressing after
more of God, seasons of sweet consolation, precious and intimate converse
with God in secret prayer, sweetness of christian conversation, &c.--Within
this time he rode from Suffield to Eastbury, Hebron, and Lebanon.
“Thursday,
Nov.
4. [At Lebanon] Saw much of my nothingness most of this day: but felt concerned
that I had no more sense of my insufficiency and unworthiness. O it is
sweet lying in the dust! But it is distressing to feel in my soul
the hell of corruption, which still remains in me.--In the afternoon, had
a sense of the sweetness of a strict, close, and constant devotedness to
God, and my soul was comforted with his consolations. My soul felt a pleasing,
yet painful concern, lest I should spend some moments without God.
O may I always live to God!--In the evening, I was visited by some
friends, and spent the time in prayer and such conversation as tended to
our edification. It was a comfortable season to my soul: I felt an intense
desire to spend every moment for God. God is unspeakably gracious to me
continually. In times past, he has given me inexpressible sweetness in
the performance of duty. Frequently my soul has enjoyed much of God; but
has been ready to say, ‘Lord, it is good to be here;’ and so to indulge
sloth, while I have lived on the sweetness of my feelings. But of late,
God has been pleased to keep my soul hungry, almost continually;
so that I have been filled with a kind of pleasing pain. When I really
enjoy God, I feel my desires of him the more insatiable, and my thirstings
after holiness the more unquenchable; and the Lord will not allow me to
feel as though I were fully supplied and satisfied, but keeps me still
reaching forward. I feel barren and empty, as though I could not live without
more of God; I feel ashamed and guilty before him. Oh! I see that
‘the law is spiritual, but I am carnal.’ I do not, I cannot live to God.
Oh for holiness! Oh for more of God in my soul! Oh this pleasing pain!
It makes my soul press after God; the language of it is, ‘Then shall I
be satisfied, when I awake in God’s likeness,’ (Ps. xvii. ult.)
but never, never before: and consequently I am engaged to ‘press towards
the mark’ day by day. O that I may feel this continual hunger, and not
be retarded, but rather animated by every cluster from Canaan, to reach
forward in the narrow way, for the full enjoyment and possession of the
heavenly inheritance! O that I may never loiter in my heavenly journey!”
These
insatiable desires after God and holiness continued the two next days,
with a great sense of his own exceeding unworthiness, and the nothingness
of the things of this world.
“Lord’s
day, Nov.
7. [At Millington] It seemed as if such an unholy wretch as I never could
arrive at that blessedness, to be ‘holy, as God is holy.’ At noon I longed
for sanctification, and conformity to God. Oh, that is THE ALL, THE ALL!
The Lord help me to press after God for ever.
“Monday,
Nov.
8. Towards night enjoyed much sweetness in secret prayer, so that
my soul longed for an arrival in the heavenly country, the blessed
paradise of God. Through divine goodness, I have scarce seen the day, for
two months, but death has looked so pleasant to me at one time or
other of the day, that I could have rejoiced the present should
be my last, notwithstanding my pressing inward trials and conflicts.
I trust the Lord will finally make me a conqueror, and more than
a conqueror; and that I shall be able to use that triumphant
language, ‘O death, where is thy sting!’ And, ‘O grave, where is thy victory!’”
Within
the next ten days the following things are expressed: longing and
wrestling to be holy, and to live to God; a desire that every single thought
might be for God; feeling guilty, that his thoughts were no more swallowed
up in God; sweet solemnity and calmness of mind; submission and resignation
to God; great weanedness from the world; abasement in the dust; grief at
some vain conversation that was observed; sweetness from time to time in
secret prayer, and in conversing and praying with christian friends. And
every day he appears to have been greatly engaged in the great business
of religion and living to God, without interruption.
“Friday,
Nov.
19. [At New-Haven] Received a letter from the Reverend Mr. Pemberton of
New York, desiring me speedily to go down thither, and consult about the
Indian affairs in those parts; and to meet certain gentlemen there who
were intrusted with those affairs. My mind was instantly seized with concern;
so I retired with two or three christian friends, and prayed; and indeed
it was a sweet time with me. I was enabled to leave myself and all my concerns
with God; and taking leave of friends, I rode to Ripton, and was comforted
in an opportunity to see and converse with dear Mr. Mills.”
In
the four next following days he was sometimes oppressed with the
weight of that great affair, about which Mr. Pemberton had written to him;
but was enabled from time to time to “cast his burden on the Lord,” and
to commit himself and all his concerns to him. He continued
330
BRAINERD’S LIFE AND DIARY.
still
in a sense of the excellency of holiness, longings after it, and earnest
desires of the advancement of Christ’s kingdom in the world; and had from
time to time sweet comfort in meditation and prayer.
“Wednesday,
Nov.
24. Came to New York: felt still much concerned about the importance of
my business; put up many earnest requests to God for his help and direction;
was confused with the noise and tumult of the city; enjoyed but little
time alone with God; but my soul longed after him.
“Thursday,
Nov.
25. Spent much time in prayer and supplication: was examined by some gentlemen,
of my christian experience, and my acquaintance with divinity, and some
other studies, in order to my improvement in that important affair of gospellizing
the heathen;* and was made sensible of my great ignorance and unfitness
for public service. I had the most abasing thoughts of myself, I think,
that ever I had; I thought myself the worst wretch that ever lived: it
hurt me, and pained my very heart, that any body should show me any respect.
Alas! methought, how sadly they are deceived in me! how miserably would
they be disappointed, if they knew my inside! Oh my heart!--And in this
depressed condition I was forced to go and preach to a considerable assembly,
before some grave and learned ministers; but felt such a pressure from
a sense of my vileness, ignorance, and unfitness to appear in public, that
I was almost overcome with it; my soul was grieved for the congregation;
that they should sit there to hear such a dead dog as I preach.
I thought myself infinitely indebted to the people, and longed that God
would reward them with the rewards of his grace.--I spent much of the evening
alone.”
PART IV.
FROM
THE TIME OF HIS EXAMINATION BY THE CORRESPONDENTS OF THE SOCIETY FOR PROPAGATING
CHRISTIAN KNOWLEDGE, AND BEING APPOINTED THEIR MISSIONARY, TO HIS FIRST
ENTRANCE ON THE BUSINESS OF HIS MISSION AMONG THE INDIANS AT KAUNAUMEEK.
“Friday,
Nov.
26. Had still a sense of my great vileness, and endeavoured as much as
I could to keep alone. Oh, what a nothing, what dust and ashes am I!--Enjoyed
some peace and comfort in spreading my complaints before the God of all
grace.
“Saturday,
Nov.
27. Committed my soul to God with some degree of comfort; left New York
about nine in the morning; came away with a distressing sense still of
my unspeakable unworthiness. Surely I may well love all my brethren; for
none of them all is so vile as I; whatever they do outwardly, yet it seems
to me none is conscious of so much guilt before God. Oh my leanness, my
barrenness, my carnality, and past bitterness, and want of a gospel-temper!
These things oppress my soul.--Rode from New York, thirty miles, to White
Plains, and most of the way continued lifting up my heart to God for mercy
and purifying grace: and spent the evening much dejected in spirit.”
The
three next days he continued in this frame, in a great sense of
his own vileness, with an evident mixture of melancholy, in no small degree;
but had some intervals of comfort, and God’s sensible presence with him.
“Wednesday,
Dec.
1. My soul breathed after God, in sweet spiritual and longing desires of
conformity to him; my soul was brought to rest itself and all on his rich
grace, and felt strength and encouragement to do or suffer any thing that
Divine Providence should allot me.--Rode about twenty miles from Stratfield
to Newton.”
Within
the space of the next nine days he went a journey from Newton to
Haddam, his native town; and after staying there some days, returned again
into the western part of Connecticut, and came to Southbury. In his account
of the frames and exercises of his mind, during this space of time, are
such things as these: frequent turns of dejection; a sense of his vileness,
emptiness, and an unfathomable abyss of desperate wickedness in his heart,
attended with a conviction that he had never seen but little of it; bitterly
mourning over his barrenness, being greatly grieved that he could not live
to God, to whom he owed his all ten thousand times, crying out,
“My leanness, my leanness!” a sense of the meetness and suitableness of
his lying in the dust beneath the feet of infinite majesty; fervency and
ardour in prayer; longing to live to God; being afflicted with some impertinent
trifling conversation that he heard; but enjoying sweetness in christian
conversation.
“Saturday,
Dec.
11. Conversed with a dear friend, to whom I had thought of giving a liberal
education, and being at the whole charge of it, that he might be fitted
for the gospel-ministry.† I acquainted him with my thoughts in that matter,
and so left him to consider of it, till I should see him again. Then I
rode to Bethlehem, came to Mr. Bellamy’s lodgings, and spent the evening
with him in sweet conversation and prayer. We recommended the concern of
sending my friend to college to the God of all grace. Blessed be the Lord
for this evening’s opportunity together.
“Lord’s
day, Dec.
12. I felt, in the morning as if I had little or no power either to pray
or preach; and felt a distressing need of divine help. I went to meeting
trembling; but it pleased God to assist me in prayer and sermon. I think
my soul scarce ever penetrated so far into the immaterial world, in any
one prayer that ever I made, nor were my devotions ever so free from gross
conceptions and imaginations framed from beholding material objects. I
preached with some sweetness, from Matt. vi. 33. ‘But seek ye first the
kingdom of God,’ &c.; and in the afternoon from Rom. xv. 30. ‘And now
I beseech you, brethren,’ &c. There was much affection in the assembly.
This has been a sweet sabbath to me; and blessed be God, I have reason
to think, that my religion is become more spiritual, by means of my late
inward conflicts. Amen. May I always be willing that God should use his
own methods with me!
“Monday,
Dec.
13. Joined in prayer with Mr. Bellamy; and found sweetness and composure
in parting with him, as he went a journey. Enjoyed some sweetness through
the day; and just at night rode down to Woodbury.
“Tuesday,
Dec.
14. Some perplexity hung on my mind; I was distressed last night and this
morning, for the interest of Zion, especially on account of the false
appearances of religion, that do but rather breed confusion, especially
in some places. I cried to God for help, to enable me to bear testimony
against those things, which instead of promoting, do but hinder the progress
of vital piety. In the afternoon rode down to Southbury; and conversed
again with my friend about the important affair of his pursuing the work
of the ministry; and he appeared much inclined to devote himself to that
work, if God should succeed his attempts to qualify himself for so great
a work. In the evening I preached from 1 Thess. iv. 8. ‘He therefore that
despiseth,’ &c. and endeavoured, though with tenderness, to undermine
false religion. The Lord gave me some assistance; but, however, I seemed
so vile, I was ashamed to be seen when I came out of the meeting-house.
“Wednesday,
Dec.
15. Enjoyed something of God to-day, both in secret and social prayer;
but was sensible of much barrenness, and defect in duty, as well as my
inability to help myself for the time to come, or to per-
*
These gentlemen who examined Mr. Brainerd, were the correspondents in New
York, New Jersey, and Pennsylvania, of the honourable Society in Scotland
for propagating Christian Knowledge; to whom was committed the management
of their affairs in those parts, and who were now met at New York.
†
Mr. Brainerd, having now undertaken the business of a missionary to the
Indians, and expecting in a little time to leave his native country, to
go among the savages into the wilderness, far distant, and spend the remainder
of his life among them--and having some estate left him by his father,
and thinking he should have no occasion for it among them, (though afterwards,
as he told me, he found himself mistaken)--set himself to think which way
he might spend it most to the glory of God; and no way presenting to his
thoughts wherein he could do more good with it, than by being at the charge
of educating some young person for the ministry, who appeared to be of
good abilities, and well disposed, he fixed upon the person here spoken
of to this end. Accordingly he was soon put to learning; and Mr. Brainerd
continued to be at the charge of his education from year to year, so long
as he lived, which was till this young man was carried through his third
year in college.
PART
IV. A.D. 1742, 1743. ÆT. 25. 331
form
the work and business I have to do. Afterwards, felt much of the sweetness
of religion, and the tenderness of the gospel-temper. I found a dear love
to all mankind, and was much afraid lest some motion of anger or resentment
should, some time or other, creep into my heart. Had some comforting soul-refreshing
discourse with dear friends, just as we took our leave of each other; and
supposed it might be likely we should not meet again till we came to the
eternal world.* I doubt not, through grace, but that some of us shall have
a happy meeting there, and bless God for this season, as well as many others.
Amen.
“Thursday,
Dec.
16.
Rode down to Derby; and had some sweet thoughts on the road:
especially on the essence of our salvation by Christ, from those words,
Thou shalt call his name Jesus, &c.
“Friday,
Dec.
17.
Spent much time in sweet conversation on spiritual things with
dear Mr. Humphreys. Rode to Ripton; spent some time in prayer with dear
christian friends.
“Saturday,
Dec.
18.
Spent much time in prayer in the woods; and seemed raised above
the things of the world: my soul was strong in the Lord of hosts; but was
sensible of great barrenness.
“Lord’s
day, Dec.
19. At the sacrament of the Lord’s supper, I seemed strong in the
Lord; and the world, with all its frowns and flatteries, in a great measure
disappeared, so that my soul had nothing to do with them: and I felt a
disposition to be wholly and for ever the Lord’s.--In the evening, enjoyed
something of the divine presence; had a humbling sense of my vileness,
barrenness, and sinfulness. Oh, it wounded me, to think of the misimprovement
of time! God be merciful to me a sinner.
“Monday,
Dec.
20.
Spent this day in prayer, reading, and writing; and enjoyed
some assistance, especially in correcting some thoughts on a certain subject;
but had a mournful sense of my barrenness.
“Tuesday,
Dec.
21. Had a sense of my insufficiency for any public work and business, as
well as to live to God. I rode over to Derby, and preached there. It pleased
God to give me very sweet assistance and enlargement, and to enable me
to speak with a soft, tender power and energy.--We had afterwards a comfortable
evening in singing and prayer. God enabled me to pray with as much spirituality
and sweetness as I have done for some time: my mind seemed to be unclothed
of sense and imagination, and was in a measure let into the immaterial
world of spirits. This day was, I trust, through infinite goodness, made
very profitable to a number of us, to advance our souls in holiness and
conformity to God: the glory be to him for ever. Amen. How blessed it
is to grow more and more like God.
“Wednesday,
Dec.
22. Enjoyed some assistance in preaching at Ripton; but my soul mourned
within me for my barrenness.
“Thursday,
Dec.
23. Enjoyed, I trust, something of God this morning in secret. Oh how divinely
sweet is it to come into the secret of his presence, and abide in his pavilion!--Took
an affectionate leave of friends, not expecting to see them again for a
very considerable time, if ever in this world. Rode with Mr. Humphreys
to his house at Derby; spent the time in sweet conversation; my soul was
refreshed and sweetly melted with divine things. Oh that I was always consecrated
to God! Near night, I rode to New-Haven, and there enjoyed some sweetness
in prayer and conversation, with some dear christian friends. My mind was
sweetly serious and composed; but alas! I too much lost the sense of divine
things.”
He
continued much in the same frame of mind, and in like exercises, the two
following days.
“Lord’s
day, Dec.
26. Felt much sweetness and tenderness in prayer, especially my whole soul
seemed to love my worst enemies, and was enabled to pray for those that
are strangers and enemies to God with a great degree of softness and pathetic
fervour. In the evening, rode from New-Haven to Branford, after I had kneeled
down and prayed with a number of dear christian friends in a very retired
place in the woods, and so parted.
“Monday,
Dec.
27. Enjoyed a precious season indeed; had a sweet melting sense of divine
things, of the pure spirituality of the religion of Christ Jesus. In the
evening, I preached from Matt. vi. 33. ‘But seek ye first,’ &c. with
much freedom, and sweet power and pungency: the presence of God attended
our meeting. O the sweetness, the tenderness I felt in my soul! if ever
I felt the temper of Christ, I had some sense of it now. Blessed be my
God, I have seldom enjoyed a more comfortable and profitable day than this.
O that I could spend all my time for God!
“Tuesday,
Dec.
28.
Rode from Branford to Haddam. In the morning, my clearness and
sweetness in divine things continued; but afterwards my spiritual life
sensibly declined.”
The
next twelve days he was for the most part extremely dejected, discouraged,
and distressed; and was evidently very much under the power of melancholy.
There are from day to day most bitter complaints of exceeding vileness,
ignorance, and corruption; an amazing load of guilt, unworthiness even
to creep on God’s earth, everlasting uselessness, fitness for nothing,
&c. and sometimes expressions even of horror at the thoughts of ever
preaching again. But yet in this time of great dejection, he speaks of
several intervals of divine help and comfort.
The
three next days, which were spent at Hebron and the Crank, (a parish
in Lebanon,) he had relief, and enjoyed considerable comfort.
“Friday,
Jan.
14, 1743. My spiritual conflicts to-day were unspeakably dreadful,
heavier than the mountains and overflowing floods. I seemed enclosed, as
it were, in hell itself: I was deprived of all sense of God, even of the
being of a God; and that was my misery. I had no awful apprehensions of
God as angry. This was distress the nearest akin to the damneds’ torments,
that I ever endured: their torment, I am sure, will consist much in a privation
of God, and consequently of all good. This taught me the absolute
dependence of a creature upon God the Creator, for every crumb of happiness
it enjoys. Oh! I feel that if there is no God, though I might live for
ever here, and enjoy not only this, but all other worlds, I should be ten
thousand times more miserable than a toad. My soul was in such anguish
I could not eat; but felt as I suppose a poor wretch would that is just
going to the place of execution. I was almost swallowed up with anguish,
when I saw people gathering together, to hear me preach. However, I went
in that distress to the house of God, and found not much relief in the
first prayer: it seemed as if God would let loose the people upon me to
destroy me; nor were the thoughts of death distressing to me, like my own
vileness. But afterwards, in my discourse from Deut. viii. 2. God was pleased
to give me some freedom and enlargement, some power and spirituality; and
I spent the evening somewhat comfortably.”
The
two next days his comfort continues, and he seems to enjoy an almost
continual sweetness of soul in the duties and exercises of religion and
christian conversation. On Monday was a return of the gloom he had
been under the Friday before. He rode to Coventry this day, and the latter
part of the day had more freedom. On Tuesday he rode to Canterbury,
and continued more comfortable.
“Wednesday,
Jan.
19.
[At Canterbury] In the afternoon preached the lecture at the
meeting-house; felt some tenderness, and something of the gospel-temper:
exhorted the people to love one another, and not to set up their own frames
as a standard to try all their brethren by. But was much pressed, most
of the day, with a sense of my own badness, inward impurity, and unspeakable
corruption. Spent the evening in loving, christian conversation.
“Thursday,
Jan.
20.
Rode to my brother’s house between Norwich and Lebanon; and
preached in the evening to a number of people: enjoyed neither freedom
nor spirituality, but saw myself exceeding unworthy.
“Friday,
Jan.
21.Had great inward conflicts; enjoyed but little comfort. Went to see
Mr. Williams of Leba-
*
It had been determined by the commissioners, who employed Mr. Brainerd
as a missionary, that he should go as soon as might be conveniently to
the Indians living near the Forks of Delaware river in Pennsylvania, and
the Indians on Susquehannah river; which being far off, where also he would
be exposed to many hardships and dangers, was the occasion of his taking
leave of his friends in this manner.
332
BRAINERD’S LIFE AND DIARY.
non,
and spent several hours with him; and was greatly delighted with his serious,
deliberate, and impartial way of discourse about religion.”
The
next day he was much dejected.
“Lord’s
day, Jan.
23. I scarce ever felt myself so unfit to exist, as now: saw I was not
worthy of a place among the Indians, where I am going, if God permit: thought
I should be ashamed to look them in the face, and much more to have any
respect shown me there. Indeed I felt myself banished from the earth, as
if all places were too good for such a wretch. I thought I should be ashamed
to go among the very savages of Africa; I appeared to myself a creature
fit for nothing, neither heaven nor earth.--None know, but those who feel
it, what the soul endures that is sensibly shut out from the presence of
God: alas! it is more bitter than death.”
On
Monday he rode to Stoningtown, Mr. Fish’s parish.--On Tuesday
he expresses considerable degrees of spiritual comfort and refreshment.
“Wednesday,
Jan.
26. Preached to a pretty large assembly at Mr. Fish’s meeting-house: insisted
on humility, and stedfastness in keeping God’s commands; and that through
humility we should prefer one another in love, and not make our own frames
the rule by which we judge others. I felt sweetly calm, and full of brotherly
love; and never more free from party spirit. I hope some good will follow;
that Christians will be freed from false joy, and party zeal, and censuring
one another.”
On
Thursday, after considerable time spent in prayer and christian
conversation, he rode to New London.
“Friday,
Jan.
28. Here I found some fallen into extravagances; too much carried away
with a false zeal and bitterness. Oh, the want of a gospel-temper is greatly
to be lamented. Spent the evening in conversing about some points of conduct
in both ministers and private Christians; but did not agree with them.
God had not taught them with briers and thorns to be of a kind disposition
towards mankind.”
On
Saturday he rode to East Haddam, and spent the three following
days there. In that space of time he speaks of his feeling weanedness
from the world, a sense of the nearness of eternity, special assistance
in praying for the enlargement of Christ’s kingdom, times of spiritual
comfort, &c.
“Wednesday,
Feb.
2. Preached my farewell sermon, last night, at the house of an aged man,
who had been unable to attend on the public worship for some time. This
morning spent the time in prayer, almost wherever I went; and having taken
leave of friends, I set out on my journey towards the Indians; though I
was to spend some time at East Hampton on Long Island, by leave of the
commissioners who employed me in the Indian affair;* and being accompanied
by a messenger from East-Hampton, we travelled to Lyme. On the road I felt
an uncommon pressure of mind: I seemed to struggle hard for some pleasure
in some here below, and seemed loth to give up all for gone; saw I was
evidently throwing myself into all hardships and distresses in my present
undertaking. I thought it would be less difficult to lie down in the grave;
but yet I chose to go, rather than stay.--Came to Lyme that night.”
He
waited the two next days for a passage over the Sound, and spent
much of the time in inward conflicts and dejection, but had some comfort.
On
Saturday he crossed the Sound, and landed at Oyster-Ponds on Long
Island, and travelled from thence to East Hampton. And the seven following
days he spent there, for the most part, under extreme dejection and
gloominess of mind, with great complaints of darkness, ignorance, &c.
Yet his heart appears to have been constantly engaged in the great business
of religion, much concerned for the interest of religion in East Hampton,
and praying and labouring much for it.
“Saturday,
Feb.
12. Enjoyed a little more comfort; was enabled to meditate with some composure
of mind; and especially in the evening, found my soul more refreshed in
prayer, than at any time of late; my soul seemed to ‘take hold of God’s
strength,’ and was comforted with his consolations. O how sweet are some
glimpses of divine glory! how strengthening and quickening!
“Lord’s
day, Feb.
13. At noon under a great degree of discouragement; knew not how it was
possible for me to preach in the afternoon. I was ready to give up all
for gone; but God was pleased to assist me in some measure. In the evening,
my heart was sweetly drawn out after God, and devoted to him.“
The
next day he had comfort and dejection intermingled.
“Tuesday,
Feb.
15. Early in the day I felt some comfort; afterwards I walked into a neighbouring
grove, and felt more as a stranger on earth, I think, than ever before;
dead to any of the enjoyments of the world, as if I had been dead in a
natural sense.--In the evening, had divine sweetness in secret duty: God
was then my portion, and my soul rose above those deep waters, into
which I have sunk so low of late.--My soul then cried for Zion, and had
sweetness in so doing.”
This
sweet frame continued the next morning; but afterwards his inward distress
returned.
“Thursday,
Feb.
17. In the morning found myself comfortable, and rested on God in some
measure.--Preached this day at a little village belonging to East Hampton;
and God was pleased to give me his gracious presence and assistance, so
that I spake with freedom, boldness, and some power. In the evening, spent
some time with a dear christian friend; and felt serious, as on the brink
of eternity. My soul enjoyed sweetness in lively apprehensions of standing
before the glorious God: prayed with my dear friend with sweetness, and
discoursed with the utmost solemnity. And truly it was a little emblem
of heaven itself.--I find my soul is more refined and weaned from a dependence
on my frames and spiritual feelings.
“Friday,
Feb.
18. Felt something sweetly most of the day, and found access to the throne
of grace. Blessed be the Lord for any intervals of heavenly delight and
composure, while I am engaged in the field of battle. O that I might be
serious, solemn, and always vigilant, while in an evil world! Had some
opportunity alone to-day, and found some freedom in study. O, I long to
live to God!
“Saturday,
Feb.
19. Was exceeding infirm to-day, greatly troubled with pain in my head
and dizziness, scarce able to sit up. However, enjoyed something of God
in prayer, and performed some necessary studies. I exceedingly long to
die; and yet, through divine goodness, have felt very willing to live,
for two or three days past.
“Lord’s
day, Feb.
20. I was perplexed on account of my carelessness; thought I could not
be suitably concerned about the important work of the day, and so was restless
with my easiness.--Was exceeding infirm again to-day; but the Lord strengthened
me, both in the outward and inward man, so that I preached with some life
and spirituality, especially in the afternoon, wherein I was enabled to
speak closely against selfish religion, that loves Christ for his benefits,
but not for himself.”
During
the next fortnight, it appears that, for the most part, he enjoyed
much spiritual peace and comfort. In his diary for this space of time are
expressed such things as these; mourning over indwelling sin and unprofitableness;
deadness to the world; longing after God, and to live to his glory; heart-melting
desires after his eternal home; fixed reliance on God for his help; experience
of much divine assistance both in the private and public exercises of religion;
inward strength and courage in the service of God; very frequent refreshment,
consolation, and divine sweetness in meditation, prayer, preaching, and
christian conversation. And it appears by his account, that this space
of time was filled up with great diligence and earnestness in serving God,
in study, prayer, meditation, preaching, and privately instructing and
counselling.
“Monday,
March
7. This morning when I arose, I found my heart go forth after God in longing
desires of conformity to him, and in secret prayer found myself sweetly
quickened and drawn out in praises to God for all he had done to and for
me, and for all my inward trials
*
The reason why the commissioners or correspondents did not order Mr. Brainerd
to go
immediately to the Indians, and enter on his business as a
missionary, was, that the winter was not judged to be a convenient season
for him first to go out into the wilderness, and enter on the difficulties
and hardships he must there be exposed to.
PART
IV. A.D. 1742, 1743. ÆT. 25. 333
and
distresses of late. My heart ascribed glory, glory, glory to the blessed
God! and bid welcome to all inward distress again, if God saw meet to exercise
me with it. Time appeared but an inch long, and eternity at hand; and I
thought I could with patience and cheerfulness bear any thing for the cause
of God; for I saw that a moment would bring me to a world of peace and
blessedness. My soul, by the strength of the Lord, rose far above this
lower world, and all the vain amusements and frightful disappointments
of it. Afterwards, had some sweet meditation on Gen. v. 24. ‘And Enoch
walked with God,’ &c.--This was a comfortable day to my soul.”
The
next day he seems to have continued in a considerable degree of
sweetness and fervency in religion.
“Wednesday,
March
9. Endeavoured to commit myself and all my concerns to God. Rode sixteen
miles to Mantauk,* and had some inward sweetness on the road; but something
of flatness and deadness after I came there and had seen the Indians. I
withdrew, and endeavoured to pray, but found myself awfully deserted and
left, and had an afflicting sense of my vileness and meanness. However,
I went and preached from Isa. liii. 10. ‘Yet it pleased the Lord to bruise
him,’ &c. Had some assistance; and, I trust, something of the divine
presence was among us. In the evening, I again prayed and exhorted among
them, after having had a season alone, wherein I was so pressed with the
blackness of my nature, that I thought it was not fit for me to speak so
much as to Indians.”
The
next day he returned to East Hampton; was exceeding infirm in body
through the remaining part of this week; but speaks of assistance
and enlargement in study and religious exercises, and of inward sweetness
and breathing after God.
“Lord’s
day, March
13. At noon I thought it impossible for me to preach, by reason of bodily
weakness and inward deadness. In the first prayer I was so weak that I
could hardly stand; but in the sermon God strengthened me, so that I spake
near an hour and a half with sweet freedom, clearness, and some tender
power, from Gen. v. 24. ‘And Enoch walked with God.’ I was sweetly assisted
to insist on a close
walk with God, and to leave this as my parting
advice to God’s people here, that they should walk with God. May
the God of all grace succeed my poor labours in this place!
“Monday,
March
14. In the morning was very busy in preparation for my journey, and was
almost continually engaged in ejaculatory prayer. About ten, took leave
of the dear people of East Hampton; my heart grieved and mourned, and rejoiced
at the same time; rode near fifty miles to a part of Brook-Haven, and lodged
there, and had refreshing conversation with a christian friend.”
In
two days more he reached New York; but complains of much desertion
and deadness on the road. He stayed one day in New York, and on
Friday went to Mr. Dickinson’s at Elizabeth-Town. His complaints
are the same as on the two preceding days.
“Saturday,
March
19. Was bitterly distressed under a sense of my ignorance, darkness, and
unworthiness; got alone, and poured out my complaint to God in the bitterness
of my soul.--In the afternoon, rode to Newark, and had some sweetness in
conversation with Mr. Burr, and in praying together. O blessed be God for
ever and ever, for any enlivening and quickening seasons.
“Lord’s
day, March
20. Preached in the forenoon: God gave me some assistance and sweetness,
and enabled me to speak with real tenderness, love, and impartiality. In
the evening, preached again; and, of a truth, God was pleased to assist
a poor worm. Blessed be God, I was enabled to speak with life, power, and
desire of the edification of God’s people; and with some power to sinners.
In the evening, I felt spiritual and watchful, lest my heart should by
any means be drawn away from God. Oh, when I shall come to that blessed
world, where every power of my soul will be incessantly and eternally wound
up in heavenly employments and enjoyments, to the highest degree!”
On
Monday he went to Woodbridge, where he speaks of his being with
a number of ministers;† and, the day following, of his travelling
part of the way towards New York. On Wednesday he came to New York.
On Thursday he rode near fifty miles, from New York to North-Castle.
On Friday went to Danbury. Saturday, to New Milford. On the
sabbath he rode five or six miles to the place near Kent in Connecticut,
called Scaticoke, where dwell a number of Indians,‡ and preached to them.
On Monday, being detained by the rain, he tarried at Kent. On Tuesday
he rode from Kent to Salisbury. Wednesday he went to Sheffield.
Thursday, March 31, he went to Mr. Sergeant’s at Stockbridge. He
was dejected and very disconsolate, through the main of this journey from
New Jersey to Stockbridge; and especially on the last day his mind was
overwhelmed with exceeding gloominess and melancholy.
PART V.
FROM HIS BEGINNING
TO INSTRUCT THE INDIANS AT KAUNAUMEEK, TO HIS ORDINATION.
“Friday,
April
1, 1743. I rode to Kaunaumeek, near twenty miles from Stockbridge, where
the Indians live with whom I am concerned, and there lodged on a little
heap of straw. I was greatly exercised with inward trials and distresses
all day; and in the evening, my heart was sunk, and I seemed to have no
God to go to. O that God would help me!”
The
next five days he was for the most part in a dejected, depressed
state of mind, and sometimes extremely so. He speaks of God’s “waves and
billows rolling over his soul;” and of his being ready sometimes to say,
“Surely his mercy is clean gone for ever, and he will be favourable no
more;” and says, the anguish he endured was nameless and inconceivable;
but at the same time speaks thus concerning his distresses, “What God designs
by all my distresses I know not; but this I know, I deserve them all and
thousands more.”--He gives an account of the Indians kindly receiving him,
and being seriously attentive to his instructions.
“Thursday,
April
7. Appeared to myself exceeding ignorant, weak, helpless, unworthy, and
altogether unequal to my work. It seemed to me I should never do any service
or have any success among the Indians. My soul was weary of my life; I
longed for deaths beyond measure. When I thought of any godly soul departed,
my soul was ready to envy him his privilege, thinking, ‘Oh, when will my
turn come! must it be years first!’--But I know, these ardent desires,
at this and other times, rose partly for want of resignation to God under
all miseries; and so were but impatience. Towards night, I had the exercise
of faith in prayer, and some assistance in writing. O that God would keep
me near him!
“Friday,
April
8. Was exceedingly pressed under a sense of my pride, selfishness, bitterness,
and party spirit, in times past, while I attempted to promote the
cause of God. Its vile nature and dreadful consequences appeared in such
odious colours to me, that my very heart was pained. I saw how poor souls
stumbled over it into everlasting destruction, that I was constrained to
make that prayer in the bitterness of my soul, ‘O Lord, deliver me from
blood-guiltiness.’ I saw my desert of hell on this account. My soul was
full of inward anguish and shame
*
Mantauk is the eastern cape or end of Long Island, inhabited chiefly by
Indians.
†
These ministers were the correspondents who now met at Woodbridge,
and gave Mr. Brainerd new directions. Instead of sending him to the Indians
at the Forks of Delaware, as before intended, they ordered him to go to
a number of Indians, at Kaunaumeek: a place in the province of New York,
in the woods between Stockbridge and Albany. This alteration was occasioned
by two things, viz. 1. Information that the correspondents had received
of some contention now subsisting between the white people and the Indians
at Delaware, concerning their lands, which they supposed would be a hinderance
at present to their entertainment of a missionary, and to his success among
them. And, 2. Some intimations they had received from Mr. Sergeant, missionary
to the Indians at Stockbridge, concerning the Indians at Kaunaumeek, and
the hopeful prospect of success that a missionary might have among them.
‡
These were the same Indians that Mr. Brainerd mentions in his diary, on
August 12, the preceding year.
334
BRAINERD’S LIFE AND DIARY.
before
God, that I had spent so much time in conversation tending only to promote
a party spirit. Oh, I saw I had not suitably prized mortification,
self-denial, resignation under all adversities, meekness, love, candour,
and holiness of heart and life: and this day was almost wholly spent in
such bitter and soul-afflicting reflections on my past frames and conduct.--Of
late I have thought much of having the kingdom of Christ advanced in the
world; but now I had enough to do within myself. The Lord be merciful
to me a sinner, and wash my soul!
“Saturday,
April
9. Remained much in the same state as yesterday; excepting that the sense
of my vileness was not so quick and acute.
“Lord’s
day, April
10. Rose early in the morning, and walked out, and spent a considerable
time in the woods, in prayer and meditation. Preached to the Indians, both
forenoon and afternoon. They behaved soberly in general: two or three in
particular appeared under some religious concern; with whom I discoursed
privately; and one told me, ‘her heart had cried, ever since she heard
me preach first.’”
The
next day, he complains of much desertion.
“Tuesday,
April
12. Was great oppressed with grief and shame, reflecting on my past conduct,
my bitterness and party zeal. I was ashamed to think that
such a wretch as I had ever preached.--Longed to be excused from that work.
And when my soul was not in anguish and keen distress, I felt senseless
‘as a beast before God,’ and felt a kind of guilty amusement with the least
trifles; which still maintained a kind of stifled horror of conscience,
so that I could not rest any more than a condemned malefactor.
“Wednesday,
April
13. My heart was overwhelmed within me: I verily thought I was the meanest,
vilest, most helpless, guilty, ignorant, benighted creature living. And
yet I knew what God had done for my soul, at the same time: though sometimes
I was assaulted with damping doubts and fears, whether it was possible
for such a wretch as I to be in a state of grace.
“Thursday,
April
14. Remained much in the same state as yesterday.
“Friday,
April
15. In the forenoon, very disconsolate. In the afternoon, preached to my
people, and was a little encouraged in some hopes that God might bestow
mercy on their souls.--Felt somewhat resigned to God under all dispensations
of his providence.
“Saturday,
April
16. Still in the depths of distress.--In the afternoon, preached to my
people; but was more discouraged with them than before; feared that nothing
would ever be done for them to any happy effect. I retired and poured out
my soul to God for mercy; but without any sensible relief. Soon after came
an Irishman and a Dutchman, with a design, as they said, to hear me preach
the next day; but none can tell how I felt, to hear their profane
talk. Oh, I longed that some dear Christian knew my distress. I got into
a kind of hovel, and there groaned out my complaint to God; and withal
felt more sensible gratitude and thankfulness to God, that he had made
me to differ from these men, as I knew through grace he had.
“Lord’s
day, April
17. In the morning was again distressed as soon as I waked, hearing much
talk about the world and the things of it. I perceived the men were in
some measure afraid of me; and I discoursed something about sanctifying
the sabbath, if possible to solemnize their minds: but when they were at
a little distance, they again talked freely about secular affairs. Oh,
I thought what a hell it would be, to live with such men to eternity!
The Lord gave me some assistance in preaching, all day, and some resignation,
and a small degree of comfort in prayer at night.”
[JB1]He
continued in this disconsolate frame the next day.
“Tuesday,
April
19. In the morning I enjoyed some sweet repose and rest in God; felt some
strength and confidence in him; and my soul was in some measure refreshed
and comforted. Spent most of the day in writing, and had some exercise
of grace, sensible and comfortable. My soul seemed lifted above the deep
waters, wherein it has been so long almost drowned; felt some spiritual
longings and breathings of soul after God; and found myself engaged for
the advancement of Christ’s kingdom in my own soul.
“Wednesday,
April
20. Set apart this day for fasting and prayer, to bow my soul before God
for the bestowment of divine grace; especially that all my spiritual afflictions
and inward distresses might be sanctified to my soul. And endeavoured also
to remember the goodness of God to me the year past, this day being my
birth-day. Having obtained help of God, I have hitherto lived, and am now
arrived at the age of twenty-five years. My soul was pained to think of
my barrenness and deadness; that I have lived so little to the glory of
the eternal God. I spent the day in the woods alone, and there poured out
my complaint to God. O that God would enable me to live to his glory for
the future!
“Thursday,
April
21. Spent the forenoon in reading and prayer, and found myself engaged;
but still much depressed in spirit under a sense of my vileness and unfitness
for any public service. In the afternoon, I visited my people, and prayed
and conversed with some about their souls’ concerns; and afterwards found
some ardour of soul in secret prayer. O that I might grow up into the
likeness of God!
“Friday,
April
22. Spent the day in study, reading, and prayer; and felt a little relieved
of my burden, that has been so heavy of late. But still was in some measure
oppressed; and had a sense of barrenness. Oh, my leanness testifies against
me! my very soul abhors itself for its unlikeness to God, its inactivity
and sluggishness. When I have done all, alas, what an unprofitable servant
am I! My soul groans, to see the hours of the day roll away, because I
do not fill them in spirituality and heavenly mindedness. And yet I long
they should speed their pace, to hasten me to my eternal home, where I
may fill up all my moments, through eternity, for God and his glory.”
On
Saturday and Lord’s day, his melancholy again prevailed;
he complained of his ignorance, stupidity, and senselessness; while yet
he seems to have spent the time with the utmost diligence, in study, in
prayer, in instructing and counselling the Indians. On Monday he
sunk into the deepest melancholy; so that he supposed he never spent a
day in such distress in his life; not in fears of hell, (which, he says,
he had no pressing fear of,) but a distressing sense of his own vileness,
&c. On Tuesday, he expresses some relief.
Wednesday he
kept as a day of fasting and prayer, but in great distress.
The three
days next following his melancholy continued, but in a less degree,
and with intervals, of comfort.*
“Lord’s
day, May
1. Was at Stockbridge to-day. In the forenoon had some relief and assistance;
though not so much as usual. In the afternoon felt poorly in body and soul;
while I was preaching, seemed to be rehearsing idle tales, without the
least life, fervour, sense, or comfort; and especially afterwards, at the
sacrament, my soul was filled with confusion, and the utmost anguish that
ever I endured, under the feeling of my inexpressible vileness and meanness.
It was a most bitter and distressing season to me, by reason of the view
I had of my own heart, and the secret abominations that lurk there: I thought
the eyes of all in the house were upon me, and I dared not look my one
in the face; for it verily seemed as if they saw the vileness of my heart,
and all the sins I had ever been guilty of. And if I had been banished
from the presence of all mankind, never to be seen any more, or so much
as thought of, still I should have been distressed with shame; and I should
have been ashamed to see the most barbarous people on earth, because I
was viler, and seemingly more brutishly ignorant, than they.--‘I am made
to possess the sins of my youth.’”
The
remaining days of this week were spent, for the most part, in inward
distress and gloominess. The next sabbath, he had encouragement,
assistance, and comfort; but on Monday sunk again.
“Tuesday,
May
10. Was in the same state, as to my mind, that I have been in for some
time; extremely
*
On the last of these days he wrote the first letter in the collection
of his letters among his Remains.
PART
V. A.D. 1743, 1744. ÆT. 25-27. 335
pressed
with a sense of guilt, pollution, and blindness: ‘The iniquity of my heels
have compassed me about; the sins of my youth have been set before me;
they have gone over my head, as a heavy burden, too heavy for me to bear.’
Almost all the actions of my life past seem to be covered over with sin
and guilt; and those of them that I performed in the most conscientious
manner, now fill me with shame and confusion, that I cannot hold up my
face. Oh! the pride, selfishness, hypocrisy, ignorance, bitterness,
party-zeal, and the want of love, candour, meekness, and gentleness,
that have attended my attempts to promote religion and virtue; and this
when I have reason to hope I had real assistance from above, and some sweet
intercourse with heaven! But, alas, what corrupt mixtures attended my best
duties!”
The
next seven days his gloom and distress continued for the most part,
but he had some turns of relief and spiritual comfort. He gives an account
of his spending part of this time in hard labour, to build himself a little
cottage to live in amongst the Indians, in which he might be by
himself; having, it seems, hitherto lived with a poor Scotchman, as he
observes in the letter just now referred to; and afterwards, before his
own house was habitable, lived in a wigwam among the Indians.
“Wednesday,
May
18. My circumstances are such, that I have no comfort, of any kind, but
what I have in God. I live in the most lonesome wilderness; have but one
single person to converse with, that can speak English.* Most of the talk
I hear, is either Highland Scotch or Indian. I have no fellow-Christian
to whom I might unbosom myself, or lay open my spiritual sorrows; with
whom I might take sweet counsel in conversation about heavenly things,
and join in social prayer. I live poorly with regard to the comforts of
life: most of my diet consists of boiled corn, hasty-pudding, &c. I
lodge on a bundle of straw, my labour is hard and extremely difficult,
and I have little appearance of success to comfort me. The Indians have
no land to live on but what the Dutch people lay claim to; and these threaten
to drive them off. They have no regard to the souls of the poor
Indians; and, by what I can learn, they hate me, because I come to preach
to them.--But that which makes all my difficulties grievous to be borne,
is, that God hides his face from me.
“Thursday,
May
19. Spent most of this day in close studies; but was sometimes so distressed
that I could think of nothing but my spiritual blindness, ignorance, pride,
and misery. Oh, I have reason to make that prayer, ‘Lord, forgive my sins
of youth, and former trespasses.’
“Friday,
May
20. Was much perplexed some part of the day; but towards night, had some
comfortable meditations on Isa. xl. 1. ‘Comfort ye, comfort ye,’ &c.
and enjoyed some sweetness in prayer. Afterwards my soul rose so far above
the deep waters, that I dared to rejoice in God. I saw there
was sufficient matter of consolation in the blessed God.”
The
next nine days his burdens were for the most part alleviated, but
with variety; at some times having considerable consolation; and at others,
more depressed. The next day, Monday, May 30, he set out on a journey
to New Jersey, to consult the commissioners who employed him about the
affairs of his mission.† He performed his journey thither in four days;
and arrived at Mr. Burr’s in Newark on Thursday. In great part of
his journey, he was in the depths of melancholy, under distresses like
those already mentioned. On Friday he rode to Elizabeth-town: and
on Saturday to New York; and from thence on his way homewards as
far as White Plains. There he spent the sabbath, and had considerable
degrees of divine consolation and assistance in public services. On Monday
he rode about sixty miles to New-Haven. There he attempted a reconciliation
with the authority of the college; and spent this week in
visiting his friends in those parts, and in his journey homewards, till
Saturday, in a pretty comfortable frame of mind. On Saturday,
in his way from Stockbridge to Kaunaumeek, he was lost in the woods, and
lay all night in the open air; but happily found his way in the morning,
and came to his Indians on Lord’s day, June 12, and had greater assistance
in preaching among them than ever before, since his first coming among
them.
From
this time forward he was the subject of various frames and exercises of
mind: in the general, much after the same manner as hitherto, from his
first coming to Kaunaumeek till he got into his own house, (a little hut,
which he made chiefly with his own hands, by long and hard labour,) which
was near seven weeks from this time. Great part of this space of
time, he was dejected, and depressed with melancholy, sometimes extremely;
his melancholy operating in like manner as related in times past. How it
was with him in those dark seasons, he himself further describes in his
diary for July 2, in the following manner. “My soul is, and has for a long
time been, in a piteous condition, wading through a series of sorrows,
of various kinds. I have been so crushed down sometimes with a sense of
my meanness and infinite unworthiness, that I have been ashamed that any,
even the meanest of my fellow-creatures, should so much as spend a thought
about me; and have wished sometimes, while travelling among the thick brakes,
to drop, as one of them, into everlasting oblivion. In this case, sometimes,
I have almost resolved never again to see any of my acquaintance; and really
thought I could not do it and hold up my face; and have longed for the
remotest region, for a retreat from all my friends, that I might not be
seen or heard of any more.--Sometimes the consideration of my ignorance
has been a means of my great distress and anxiety. And especially my soul
has been in anguish with fear, shame, and guilt, that ever I had preached,
or had any thought that way.--Sometimes my soul has been in distress on
feeling some particular corruptions rise and swell like a mighty torrent,
with present violence; having, at the same time, ten thousand former sins
and follies presented to view, in all their blackness and aggravations.--And
these, while destitute of most of the conveniencies of life, and I may
say, of all the pleasures of it; without a friend to communicate any of
my sorrows to, and sometimes without any place of retirement, where I may
unburden my soul before God, which has greatly contributed to my distress.--Of
late, more especially, my great difficulty has been a sort of carelessness,
a kind of regardless temper of mind, whence I have been disposed to indolence
and trifling; and this temper of mind has constantly been attended with
guilt and shame; so that sometimes I have been in a kind of horror, to
find myself so unlike the blessed God. I have thought I grew worse under
all my trials; and nothing has cut and wounded my soul more than this.
Oh, if I am one of God’s chosen, as I trust through infinite grace I am,
I find of a truth, that the righteous are scarcely saved.”
It
is apparent, that one main occasion of that distressing gloominess of mind
which he was so much exercised with at Kaunaumeek, was reflection on his
past errors and misguided zeal at college, in the beginning of the
late religious commotions. And therefore he repeated his endeavours this
year for reconciliation with the governors of the college, whom he had
at that time offended. Although he had been at New Haven, in June, this
year, and attempted a reconciliation, as mentioned already; yet, in the
beginning of July, he made another journey thither, and renewed his attempt,
but still in vain.
Although
he was much dejected great part of that space of time which I am now speaking
of; yet he had many intermissions of his melancholy, and some seasons of
comfort, sweet tranquillity, and resignation of mind, and frequent special
assistance in public services, as appear in his diary. The manner of his
relief from his sorrow, once in particular, is worthy to be mentioned in
his own words, (diary for July 25.) “Had little or no resolution for a
life of holiness; was ready almost to renounce my hopes of living to God.
And oh how dark it looked, to think of being unholy for ever! This I could
not endure. The cry
*
This person was Mr. Brainerd’s interpreter; who was an ingenious young
Indian belonging to Stockbridge, whose name was John Wauwaumpequunnaunt.
He had been instructed in the christian religion by Mr. Sergeant; had lived
with the Reverend Mr. Williams of Long Meadow; had been further instructed
by him, at the charge of Mr. Hollis of London; and understood both English
and Indian very well, and wrote a good hand.
†
His business with the commissioners now was, to obtain orders from them
to set up a school among the Indians at Kaunaumeek, and that his interpreter
might be appointed the schoolmaster; which was accordingly done.
336
BRAINERD’S LIFE AND DIARY.
of
my soul was, Psal. lxv. 3. ‘Iniquities prevail against me.’ But was in
some measure relieved by a comfortable meditation on God’s eternity, that
he never had a beginning, &c. Whence I was led to admire his greatness
and power, &c. in such a manner, that I stood still, and praised the
Lord for his own glories and perfections; though I was (and if I should
for ever be) an unholy creature, my soul was comforted to apprehend an
eternal, infinite, powerful, holy God.
“Saturday,
July
30. Just at night, moved into my own house, and lodged there that
night; found it much better spending the time alone, than in the wigwam
where I was before.
“Lord’s
day, July
31. Felt more comfortably than some days past.--Blessed be the Lord, who
has now given me a place of retirement.--O that I might find God
in it, and that he would dwell with me for ever!
“Monday,
Aug.
1. Was still busy in further labours on my house.--Felt a little of the
sweetness of religion, and thought it was worth the while to follow
after God through a thousand snares, deserts, and death itself. O that
I might always follow after holiness, that I may be fully conformed
to God! Had some degree of sweetness, in secret prayer, though I had much
sorrow.
“Tuesday,
Aug.
2. Was still labouring to make myself more comfortable, with regard to
my house and lodging. Laboured under spiritual anxiety; it seemed to me,
I deserved to be kicked out of the world; yet found some comfort
in committing my cause to God. It is good for me to be afflicted,
that I may die wholly to this world, and all that is in it.
“Wednesday,
Aug.
3. Spent most of the day in writing. Enjoyed some sense of religion. Through
divine goodness I am now uninterruptedly alone; and find my retirement
comfortable. I have enjoyed more sense of divine things within a few days
last past, than for some time before. I longed after holiness, humility,
and meekness: O that God would enable me to ‘pass the time of my sojourning
here in his fear,’ and always live to him!
“Thursday,
Aug.
4. Was enabled to pray much, through the whole day; and through divine
goodness found some intenseness of soul in the duty, as I used to do, and
some ability to persevere in my supplications. I had some apprehensions
of divine things, that were engaging, and which afforded me some courage
and resolution. It is good, I find, to persevere in attempts to
pray, if I cannot pray with perseverance, i.e. continue long
in my addresses to the Divine Being. I have generally found, that the
more I do in secret prayer, the more I have delighted to do,
and have enjoyed more of a spirit of prayer: and frequently have found
the contrary, when with journeying or otherwise I have been much deprived
of retirement. A seasonable, steady performance of SECRET DUTIES IN THEIR
PROPER HOURS, and a CAREFUL IMPROVEMENT OF ALL TIME, filling up every hour
with some profitable labour, either of heart, head, or hands, are excellent
means of spiritual peace and boldness before God. Christ, indeed,
is our peace, and by him we have boldness of access to God; but
a good conscience void of offence, is an excellent preparation for
an approach into the divine presence. There is difference between self-confidence
or a self-righteous pleasing of ourselves--as with our own duties,
attainments, spiritual enjoyments--which godly souls sometimes are guilty
of, and that holy confidence arising from the testimony of a good
conscience, which good Hezekiah had, when he says, “Remember, O Lord, I
beseech thee, how I have walked before thee in truth, and with a perfect
heart.’ ‘Then (says the holy psalmist) shall I not be ashamed, when
I have respect to all thy commandments.’ Filling up our time with
and for God, is the way to rise up and lie down in peace.”
The
next eight days he continued for the most part in a very comfortable
frame, having his mind fixed and sweetly engaged in religion; and more
than once blesses God, that he had given him a little cottage, where
he might live alone, and enjoy a happy retirement, free from noise and
disturbance, and could at any hour of the day lay aside all studies, and
spend time in lifting up his soul to God for spiritual blessings.
“Saturday,
Aug.
13. Was enabled in secret prayer to raise my soul to God, with desire and
delight. It was indeed a blessed season to my soul: I found the comfort
of being a Christian; and counted the sufferings of the present life
not worthy to be compared with the glory of divine enjoyments even
in this world. All my past sorrows seemed kindly to disappear, and I ‘remembered
no more the sorrow, for joy.’--O, how kindly, and with a filial tenderness,
the soul confides in the Rock of ages, at such a season, that be
will ‘never leave it, nor forsake it,’ that he will cause ‘all things to
work together for its good!’ &c. I longed that others should know how
good a God the Lord is. My soul was full of tenderness and love, even to
the most inveterate of my enemies. I longed they should share in the same
mercy; and loved that God should do just as he pleased with me and every
thing else. I felt exceeding serious, calm, and peaceful, and encouraged
to press after holiness as long as I live, whatever difficulties and trials
may be in my way. May the Lord always help me so to do! Amen, and Amen.
“Lord’s
day, Aug.
14. I had much more freedom in public than in private. God enabled me to
speak with some feeling sense of divine things; but perceived no considerable
effect.
“Monday,
Aug.
15. Spent most of the day in labour, to procure something to keep my horse
on in the winter.--Enjoyed not much sweetness in the morning: was very
weak in body through the day, and thought this frail body would soon drop
into the dust: had some very realizing apprehensions of a speedy entrance
into another world. And in this weak state of body, I was not a little
distressed for want of suitable food. I had no bread, nor could I get any.
I am forced to go or send ten or fifteen miles for all the bread I eat;
and sometimes it is mouldy and sour before I eat it, if I get any considerable
quantity. And then again I have none for some days together, for want of
an opportunity to send for it, an cannot find my horse in the woods to
go myself; and this was my case now: but through divine goodness I had
some Indian meal, of which I made little cakes, and fried them.
Yet felt contented with my circumstances, and sweetly resigned to God.
In prayer I enjoyed great freedom; and blessed God as much for my present
circumstances, as if I had been a king; and thought I found a disposition
to be contented in any circumstances. Blessed be God.”
The
rest of this week he was exceeding weak in body, and much exercised
with pain; yet obliged from day to day to labour hard, to procure fodder
for his horse. Except some part of the time, he was so very ill, that he
was neither able to work nor study; but speaks of longings after holiness
and perfect conformity to God. He complains of enjoying but little of God;
yet he says, that little was better to him than all the world
besides. In his diary for Saturday, he says, he was somewhat melancholy
and sorrowful in mind; and adds, “I never feel comfortably, but when I
find my soul going forth after God: if I cannot be holy, I must necessarily
be miserable for ever.”
“Lord’s
day, Aug.
21. Was much straitened in the forenoon-exercise; my thoughts seemed to
be all scattered to the ends of the earth. At noon, I fell down before
the Lord, groaned under my vileness, barrenness, and deadness; and felt
as if I was guilty of soul-murder, in speaking to immortal souls in such
a manner as I had then done.--In the afternoon, God was pleased to give
me some assistance, and I was enabled to set before my hearers the nature
and necessity of true repentance, &c. Afterwards, had some small degree
of thankfulness. Was very ill and full of pain in the evening; and my soul
mourned that I had spent so much time to so little profit.
“Monday,
Aug.
22. Spent most of the day in study; and found my bodily strength in a measure
restored. Had some intense and passionate breathings of soul after holiness,
and very clear manifestations of my utter inability to procure, or work
it in myself; it is wholly owing to the power of God. O, with what tenderness
the love and desire of holiness fills the soul! I wanted to wing out of
myself to God, or rather to get a conformity to him: but, alas! I cannot
add to my stature in grace one cubit. However, my soul can never leave
striving for it; or at least groaning that it cannot strive for it, and
obtain more purity of heart.--At night I spent some time in instruct-
PART
V. A.D. 1743, 1744. ÆT. 25-27. 337
ing
my poor people. Oh that God would pity their souls!
“Tuesday,
Aug.
23. Studied in the forenoon, and enjoyed some freedom. In the afternoon,
laboured abroad: endeavoured to pray; but found not much sweetness or intenseness
of mind. Towards night, was very weary, and tired of this world of sorrow:
the thoughts of death and immortality appeared very desirable, and even
refreshed my soul. Those lines turned in my mind with pleasure,
‘Come,
death, shake hands, I’ll kiss thy bands:
‘Tis
happiness for me to die.
What!
dost thou think that I will shrink?
I’ll
go to immortality.’
In
evening prayer God was pleased to draw near my soul, though very sinful
and unworthy: was enabled to wrestle with God, and to persevere in my requests
for grace. I poured out my soul for all the world, friends, and enemies.
My soul was concerned, not so much for souls as such, but rather for Christ’s
kingdom, that it might appear in the world, that God might be known to
be God in the whole earth. And, oh, my soul abhorred the very thought of
a party in religion! Let the truth of God appear, wherever it is;
and God have the glory for ever. Amen. This was indeed a comfortable season.
I thought I had some small taste of, and real relish for, the enjoyments
and employments of the upper world. O that my soul was more attempered
to it!
“Wednesday,
Aug.
24. Spent some time in the morning in study and prayer. Afterwards was
engaged in some necessary business abroad. Towards night, found a little
time for some particular studies. I thought if God should say, ‘Cease making
any provision for this life, for you shall in a few days go out of time
into eternity,’ my soul would leap for joy. O that I may both I ‘desire
to be dissolved, to be with Christ,’ and likewise ‘wait patiently all the
days of my appointed time till my change come!’--But, alas! I am very unfit
for the business and blessedness of heaven.--O for more holiness!
“Thursday,
Aug. 25.
Part of the day, was engaged in studies; and part in labour abroad. I find
it is impossible to enjoy peace and tranquillity of mind without a careful
improvement of time. This is really an imitation of God and Christ Jesus:
‘My Father worketh hitherto, and I work,’ says our Lord. But still, if
we would be like God we must see that we fill up our time for him.--I daily
long to dwell in perfect light and love. In the mean time, my soul mourns
that I make so little progress in grace, and preparation for the world
of blessedness: I see and know that I am a very barren tree in God’s vineyard,
and that he might justly say, ‘Cut it down,’ &c. O that God would make
me more lively and vigorous in grace, for his own glory! Amen.”
The
two next days he was much engaged in some necessary labours, in
which he extremely spent himself. He seems these days to have had a great
sense of the vanity of the world, continued longings after holiness, and
more fervency of spirit in the service of God.
“Lord’s
day, Aug.
28. Was much perplexed with some irreligious Dutchmen. All their discourse
turned upon the things of the world; which was no small exercise to my
mind. Oh, what a hell it would be to spend an eternity with such
men! Well might David say, ‘I beheld the transgressors, and was grieved.’--But
adored be God, heaven is a place into which no unclean thing enters.’--Oh,
I long for the holiness of that world! Lord, prepare me for it.’”
The
next day he set out on a journey to New York. Was somewhat dejected
the two first days of his journey; but yet seems to have enjoyed
some degrees of the sensible presence of God.
“Wednesday,
Aug.
31. Rode down to Bethlehem: was in a sweet, serious, and, I hope, christian
frame, when I came there. Eternal things engrossed all my thoughts; and
I longed to be in the world of spirits. O how happy is it to have all our
thoughts swallowed up in that world; to feel one’s self a serious considerate
stranger in this world, diligently seeking a road through it, the best,
the sure road to the heavenly Jerusalem!
“Thursday,
Sept.
1. Rode to Danbury. Was more dull and dejected in spirit than yesterday.
Indeed, I always feet comfortably when God realizes death, and the things
of this world, to my mind: whenever my mind is taken off from the things
of this world, and set on God, my soul is then at rest.”
He
went forward on his journey, and came to New York on the next Monday.
And after tarrying there two or three days, he set out from the
city towards New-Haven, intending to be there at the commencement; and
on Friday came to Horse-Neck. In the mean time, he complains much
of dulness, and want of fervour in religion: but yet, from time to time,
speaks of his enjoying spiritual warmth and sweetness in conversation with
christian friends, assistance in public services, &c.
“Saturday,
Sept.
10. Rode six miles to Stanwich, and preached to a considerable assembly
of people. Had some assistance and freedom, especially towards the close.
Endeavoured much afterwards, in private conversation, to establish holiness,
humility, meekness, &c. as the essence of true religion; and to moderate
some noisy sort of persons, that appeared to me to be acted by unseen spiritual
pride. Alas, what extremes men incline to run into!--Returned to Horse-Neck,
and felt some seriousness and sweet solemnity in the evening.
“Lord’s
day, Sept.
11. In the afternoon I preached from Tit. iii. 8. ‘This is a faithful saying,
and these things,’ &c. I think God never helped me more in painting
true religion, and in detecting clearly, and tenderly discountenancing,
false appearances of religion, wild-fire party zeal, spiritual pride, &c.
as well as a confident dogmatical spirit, and its spring, viz. ignorance
of the heart.--In the evening took much pains in private conversation
to suppress some confusions, that I perceived were amongst that people.
“Monday,
Sept.
12. Rode to Mr. Mills’s at Ripton. Had some perplexing hours; but was some
part of the day very comfortable. It is ‘through great trials,’ I see,
‘that we must enter the gates of paradise.’ If my soul could but be holy,
that God might not be dishonoured, methinks I could bear sorrows.
“Tuesday,
Sept.
13. Rode to New-Haven. Was sometimes dejected; not in the sweetest frame.
Lodged at ****. Had some profitable christian conversation, &c.--I
find, though my inward trials were great, and a life of solitude gives
them greater advantage to settle, and penetrate to the very inmost recesses
of the soul; yet it is better to be alone, than encumbered with noise and
tumult. I find it very difficult maintaining any sense of divine things
while removing from place to place, diverted with new objects, and filled
with care and business. A settled steady business is best adapted to a
life of strict religion.
“Wednesday,
Sept.
14. This day I ought to have taken my degree;* but God sees fit
to deny it me. And though I was greatly afraid of being overwhelmed with
perplexity and confusion, when I should see my class-mates take
theirs; yet, at the very time, God enabled me with calmness and resignation
to say, ‘The will of the Lord be done.’ Indeed, through divine goodness,
I have scarcely felt my mind so calm, sedate, and comfortable for some
time. I have long feared this season, and expected my humility, meekness,
patience, and resignation would be much tried:† but found much more pleasure
and divine comfort than I expected.--Felt spiritually serious, tender,
and affectionate in private prayer with a dear christian friend to-day.
“Thursday,
Sept.
15. Had some satisfaction in hearing the ministers discourse, &c. It
is always a comfort to me, to hear religious and spiritual discourse. O
that ministers and people were more spiritual and devoted to God!--Towards
night, with the advice of christian friends, I offered the following reflections
in writing, to the rector and trustees of the college--which are for substance
the same that I
*
This being commencement day.
†
His trial was the greater, in that, had it not been for the displeasure
of the governors of the college, he would not only on that day have shared
with his class-mates in the public honours which they then received, but
would on that occasion have appeared at the head of that class:
which, if he had been with them, would have been the most numerous of any
that ever had been graduated at that college.
338
BRAINERD’S LIFE AND DIARY.
had
freely offered to the rector before, and entreated him to accept--that
if possible I might cut off all occasion of offence, from those who seek
occasion. What I offered, is as follows:
“Whereas
I have said before several persons, concerning Mr. Whittelsey, one of the
tutors of Yale college, that I did not believe he had any more grace than
the chair I then leaned upon: I humbly confess, that herein I have sinned
against God, and acted contrary to the rules of his word, and have injured
Mr. Whittelsey. I had no right to make thus free with his character; and
had no just reason to say as I did concerning him. My fault herein was
the more aggravated, in that I said this concerning one that was so much
my superior, and one that I was obliged to treat with special respect and
honour, by reason of the relation I stood in to him in the college. Such
a manner of behaviour, I confess, did not become a Christian; it was taking
too much upon me, and did not savour of that humble respect that I ought
to have expressed towards Mr. Whittelsey. I have long since been convinced
of the falseness of those apprehensions, by which I then justified such
a conduct. I have often reflected on this act with grief; I hope, on account
of the sin of it: and am willing to lie low, and be abased before God and
man for it. And humbly ask the forgiveness of the governors of the college,
and of the whole society; but of Mr. Whittelsey in particular. And whereas
I have been accused by one person of saying concerning the reverend rector
of Yale college, that I wondered he did not expect to drop down dead for
fining the scholars that followed Mr. Tennent to Milford; I seriously profess,
that I do not remember my saying any thing to this purpose. But if I did,
which I am not certain I did not, I utterly condemn it, and detest all
such kind of behaviour; any especially in an undergraduate towards the
rector. And I now appear, to judge and condemn myself for going once to
the separate meeting in New-Haven, a little before I was expelled, though
the rector had refused to give me leave. For this I humbly ask the rector’s
forgiveness. And whether the governors of the college shall ever see cause
to remove the academical censure I lie under, or no, or to admit me to
the privileges I desire; yet I am willing to appear, if they think fit,
openly to own, and to humble myself for, those things I have herein confessed.”
“God
has made me willing to do any thing that I can do, consistent with truth,
for the sake of peace, and that I might not be a stumbling-block to others.
For this reason I can cheerfully forego, and give up, what I verily believe,
after the most mature and impartial search, is my right, in some instances.
God has given me that disposition, that, if this were the case, that a
man has done me a hundred injuries, and I (though ever so much provoked
to it) have done him one, I feel disposed, and heartily willing, humbly
to confess my fault to him, and on my knees to ask forgiveness of him;
though at the same time he should justify himself in all the injuries he
has done me, and should only make use of my humble confession to blacken
my character the more, and represent me as the only person guilty, &c.
yea, though he should as it were insult me, and say, ‘he knew all this
before, and that I was making work for repentance,’ &c. Though what
I said concerning Mr. Whittelsey was only spoken in private, to a friend
or two; and being partly overheard, was related to the rector, and by him
extorted from my friends; yet, seeing it was divulged made public, I was
willing to confess my fault therein publicly.--But I trust God will plead
my cause.”*
The
next day he went to Derby; then to Southbury where he spent the sabbath:
and speaks of some spiritual comfort; but complains much of unfixedness,
and wanderings of mind in religion.
“Monday,
Sept.
19. In the afternoon rode to Bethlehem, and there preached. Had some measure
of assistance, both in prayer and preaching. I felt serious, kind, and
tender towards all mankind, and longed that holiness might flourish more
on earth.
“Tuesday,
Sept.
20. Had thoughts of going forward on my journey to my Indians; but towards
night was taken with a hard pain in my teeth, and shivering cold; and could
not possibly recover a comfortable degree of warmth the whole night following.
I continued very full of pain all night; and in the morning had a very
hard fever, and pains almost over my whole body. I had a sense of the divine
goodness in appointing this to be the place of my sickness, viz.
among my friends, who were very kind to me. I should probably have perished,
if I had first got home to my own house in the wilderness, where I have
none to converse with but the poor, rude, ignorant Indians. Here I saw
was mercy in the midst of affliction. I continued thus, mostly confined
to my bed, till Friday night; very full of pain most of the time; but through
divine goodness not afraid of death. Then the extreme folly of those appeared
to me, who put off their turning to God till a sick-bed. Surely this is
not a time proper to prepare for eternity.--On Friday evening my pains
went off somewhat suddenly, I was exceeding weak, and almost fainted; but
was very comfortable the night following. These words, Psal. cxviii. 17.
‘I shall not die, but live,’ &c. I frequently revolved in my mind;
and thought we were to prize the continuation of life only on this account,
that we may ‘show forth God’s goodness and works of grace.’”
From
this time he gradually recovered; and on the next Tuesday was so well as
to be able to go forward on his journey homewards; but it was not till
the Tuesday following that he reached Kaunaumeek. And seems, great part
of this time, to have had a very deep and lively sense of the vanity and
emptiness of all things here below, and of the reality, nearness, and vast
importance of eternal things.
“Tuesday,
Oct.
4. This day rode home to my own house and people. The poor Indians appeared
very glad of my return. Found my house and all things in safety. I presently
fell on my knees, and blessed God for my safe return, after a long and
tedious journey, and a season of sickness in several places where I had
been, and after I had been ill myself. God has renewed his kindness to
me, in preserving me one journey more. I have taken many considerable journeys
since this time last year, and yet God has never suffered one of my bones
to be broken, or any distressing calamity to befall me, excepting the ill
turn I had in my last journey. I have been often exposed to cold and hunger
in the wilderness, where the comforts of life were not to be had; have
frequently been lost in the woods; and sometimes obliged to ride much of
the night; and once lay out in the woods all night; yet, blessed be God,
he has preserved me!”
In
his diary for the next eleven days, are great complaints of distance
from God, spiritual pride, corruption, and exceeding vileness. He once
says, his heart was so pressed with a sense of his pollution, that he could
scarcely have the face and impudence (as it then appeared to him) to desire
that God should not damn him for ever. And at another time, he says, he
had so little sense of God, or apprehension and relish of his glory and
excellency, that it made him more disposed to kindness and tenderness towards
those who are blind and ignorant of God and things divine and heavenly.
“Lord’s
day, Oct.
16. In the evening, God was pleased to give me a feeling sense of my own
unworthiness; but through divine goodness such as tended to draw me to,
rather than drive me from, God; it filled me with so-
*
I was witness to the very christian spirit Mr. Brainerd showed at that
time, being then at New-Haven, and one that he thought fit to consult on
that occasion. This was the first time that ever I had an opportunity of
personal acquaintance with him. There truly appeared in him a great degree
of calmness and humility: without the least appearance of rising of spirit
for any ill treatment he supposed he had suffered, or the least backwardness
to abase himself before them, who, as he thought, had wronged him. What
he did was without any objection or appearance of reluctance, even in private
to his friends, to whom he freely opened himself. Earnest application was
made on his behalf to the authority of the college, that he might have
his degree then given him: and particularly by the Rev. Mr. Burr of Newark,
one of the correspondents of the honourable society in Scotland; he being
sent from New Jersey to New-Haven, by the rest of the commissioners for
that end: and many arguments were used, but without success. Indeed the
governors of the college were so far satisfied with the reflections Mr.
Brainerd had made on himself, that they appeared willing to admit him again
into college; but not to give him his degree, till he should have remained
there at least twelve mouths, which being contrary to what the correspondents,
to whom he was now engaged, had declared to be their mind, he did not consent
to it. He desired his degree, as he thought it would tend to his being
more extensively useful; but still when he was denied it, he manifested
no disappointment or resentment.
PART
V. A.D. 1743, 1744. ÆT. 25-27. 339
lemnity.
I retired alone, (having at this time a friend with me,) and poured out
my soul to God with much freedom; and yet in anguish, to find myself so
unspeakably sinful and unworthy before a holy God. Was now much resigned
under God’s dispensations towards me, though my trials had been very great.
But thought whether I could be resigned, if God should let the French Indians
come upon me, and deprive me of life, or carry me away captive, (though
I knew of no special reason then to propose this trial to myself, more
than any other,) and my soul seemed so far to rest and acquiesce in God,
that the sting and terror of these things seemed in a great measure gone.
Presently after I came to the Indians, whom I was teaching to sing psalm-tunes
that evening, I received the following letter from Stockbridge, by a messenger
sent on the sabbath on purpose, which made it appear of greater importance.
‘Sir,
Just now we received advices from Col. Stoddard, that there is the utmost
danger of a rupture with France. He has received the same from his excellency
our governor, ordering him to give notice to all the exposed places, that
they may secure themselves the best they can against any sudden invasion.
We thought best to send directly to Kaunaumeek, that you may take the prudentest
measures for your safety that dwell there. I am, Sir, &c.’
“I
thought, upon reading the contents, it came in a good season; for my heart
seemed fixed on God, and therefore I was not much surprised. This news
only made me more serious, and taught me that I must not please myself
with any of the comforts of life which I had been preparing. Blessed be
God, who gave me any intenseness and fervency this evening!
“Monday,
Oct.
17. Had some rising hopes, that ‘God would arise and have mercy on Zion
speedily.’ My heart is indeed refreshed, when I have any prevailing hopes
of Zion’s prosperity. O that I may see the glorious day, when Zion shall
become the joy of the whole earth! Truly there is nothing that I greatly
value in this lower world.”
On
Tuesday he rode to Stockbridge; complains of being much diverted,
and having but little life. On Wednesday he expresses some solemn
sense of divine things, and longing to be always doing for God with a godly
frame of spirit.
“Thursday,
Oct.
20. Had but little sense of divine things this day. Alas, that so much
of my precious time is spent with so little of God! Those are tedious days,
wherein I have no spirituality.
“Friday,
Oct.
21. Returned home to Kaunaumeek: was glad to get alone in my little cottage,
and to cry to that God who seeth in secret, and is present in a wilderness.
“Saturday,
Oct.
22. Had but little sensible communion with God. This world is a dark, cloudy
mansion. Oh, when will the Sun of righteousness shine on my soul without
intermission!
“Lord’s
day, Oct.
23. In the morning I had a little dawn of comfort arising from hopes of
seeing glorious days in the church of God: was enabled to pray for such
a glorious day with some courage and strength of hope. In the forenoon
treated on the glories of heaven, &c.--In the afternoon, on the miseries
of hell, and the danger of going there. Had some freedom and warmth, both
parts of the day. And my people were very attentive. In the evening two
or three came to me under concern for their souls; to whom I was enabled
to discourse closely, and with some earnestness and desire. O that God
would be merciful to their poor souls!”
He
seems, through the whole of this week, to have been greatly engaged
to fill up every inch of time in the service of God, and to have been most
diligently employed in study, prayer, and instructing the Indians; and
from time to time expresses longings of soul after God, and the advancement
of his kingdom, and spiritual comfort and refreshment.
“Lord’s
day, Oct.
30. In the morning I enjoyed some fixedness of soul in prayer, which was
indeed sweet and desirable; was enabled to leave myself with God, and to
acquiesce in him. At noon my soul was refreshed with reading Rev. iii.
more especially the 11th and 12th verses. Oh, my soul longed for that blessed
day, when I should ‘dwell in the temple of God,’ and ‘go no more out’ of
his immediate presence!
“Monday,
Oct.
31. Rode to Kinderhook, about fifteen miles from my place. While riding
I felt some divine sweetness in the thoughts of being ‘a pillar in the
temple of God’ in the upper world, and being no more deprived of his blessed
presence, and the sense of his favour, which is better than life.
My soul was so lifted up to God, that I could pour out my desires to him,
for more grace and further degrees of sanctification, with abundant freedom.
Oh, I longed to be more abundantly prepared for that blessedness, with
which I was then in some measure refreshed!--Returned home in the evening;
but took an extremely bad cold by riding in the night.
“Tuesday,
Nov.
1. Was very much disordered in body, and sometimes full of pain in my face
and teeth; was not able to study much, and had not much spiritual comfort.
Alas! when God is withdrawn, all is gone.--Had some sweet thoughts, which
I could not but write down, on the design, nature, and end
of Christianity.
“Wednesday,
Nov.
2. Was still more indisposed in body, and in much pain most of the day.
I had not much comfort; was scarcely able to study at all; and still entirely
alone in the wilderness. But blessed be the Lord, I am not exposed in the
open air; I have a house, and many of the comforts of life to support me.
I have learned in a measure, that all good things relating both to time
and eternity come from God.--In the evening I had some degree of quickening
in prayer: I think God gave me some sense of his presence.
“Thursday,
Nov.
3. Spent this day in secret fasting and prayer, from morning till night.
Early in the morning I had some small degree of assistance in prayer. Afterwards
read the story of Elijah the prophet, 1 Kings, xvii. xviii. and xix. chapters,
and also 2 Kings, ii. and iv. chapters. My soul was much moved, observing
the faith, zeal, and power of that holy man; how he wrestled with God in
prayer, &c. My soul then cried with Elisha, ‘Where is the Lord God
of Elijah!’ Oh, I longed for more faith! My soul breathed after God, and
pleaded with him, that a ‘double portion of that spirit,’ which was given
to Elijah, might ‘rest on me.’ And that which was divinely refreshing and
strengthening to my soul was, I saw that God is the same that he
was in the days of Elijah.--Was enabled to wrestle with God by prayer,
in a more affectionate, fervent, humble, intense, and importunate manner,
than I have for many months past. Nothing seemed too hard for God to perform;
nothing too great for me to hope for from him.--I had for many months entirely
lost all hopes of being made instrumental of doing any special service
for God in the world; it has appeared entirely impossible, that one so
black and vile should be thus employed for God. But at this time God was
pleased to revive this hope.--Afterwards read the 3rd chapter of Exodus
and on to the 20th, and saw more of the glory and majesty of
God discovered in those chapters, than ever I had seen before; frequently
in the mean time falling on my knees, and crying to God for the faith of
Moses, and for a manifestation of the divine glory. Especially the
3rd and 4th, and part of the 14th and 15th chapters, were unspeakably sweet
to my soul: my soul blessed God, that he had shown himself so gracious
to his servants of old. The 15th chapter seemed to be the very language
which my soul uttered to God in the season of my first spiritual comfort,
when I had just got through the Red sea, by a way that I
had no expectation of. O how my soul then rejoiced in God! And now
those things came fresh and lively to my mind; now my soul blessed God
afresh, that he had opened that unthought-of way to deliver me from
the fear of the Egyptians, when I almost despaired of life.--Afterwards
read the story of Abraham’s pilgrimage in the land of Canaan: my soul was
melted, in observing his faith, how he leaned on God; how he communed
with God, and what a stranger he was here in the world. After that,
read the story of Joseph’s sufferings, and God’s goodness to him: blessed
God for these examples of faith and patience. My soul was ardent in prayer,
was enabled to wrestle ardently for myself, for christian friends, and
for the church of God. And felt more desire to see the power
340
BRAINERD’S LIFE AND DIARY.
of
God in the conversion of souls, than I have done for a long season. Blessed
be God for this season of fasting and prayer! May his goodness always abide
with me, and draw my soul to him!
“Thursday,
Nov.
4. Rode to Kinderhook: went quite to Hudson’s river, about twenty miles
from my house; performed some business, and returned home in the evening
to my own house. I had rather ride hard and fatigue myself, to get home,
than to spend the evening and night amongst those who have no regard for
God.”
The
two next days he was very ill, and full of pain, probably through
his riding in the night after a fatiguing day’s journey on Thursday;
but yet seems to have been diligent in business.
“Monday,
Nov.
7. This morning the Lord afforded me some special assistance in prayer;
my mind was solemn, fixed, affectionate, and ardent in desires after holiness;
felt full of tenderness and love; and my affections seemed to be dissolved
into kindness. In the evening I enjoyed the same comfortable assistance
in prayer as in the morning: my soul longed after God, and cried to him
with a filial freedom, reverence, and boldness. O that I might be entirely
consecrated and devoted to God.”
The
two next days he complains of bodily illness and pain; but much
more of spiritual barrenness and unprofitableness.
“Thursday,
Nov.
10. Spent this day in fasting and prayer alone. In the morning was very
dull and lifeless, melancholy and discouraged. But after some time, while
reading 2 Kings xix. my soul was moved and affected; especially reading
verse 14, and onward. I saw there was no other way for the afflicted children
of God to take, but to go to God with all their sorrows. Hezekiah, in his
great distress, went and spread his complaint before the Lord. I was then
enabled to see the mighty power of God, and my extreme need of that power;
was enabled to cry to him affectionately and ardently for his power and
grace to be exercised towards me.--Afterwards read the story of David’s
trials, and observed the course he took under them, how he strengthened
his hands in God; whereby my soul was carried out after God, enabled to
cry to him, and rely upon him, and felt strong in the Lord. Was
afterwards refreshed, observing the blessed temper that was wrought in
David by his trials: all bitterness and desire of revenge seemed wholly
taken away; so that he mourned for the death of his enemies; 2 Sam. i.
17. and iv. 9, ad fin.--Was enabled to bless God, that he had given
me something of this divine temper, that my soul freely forgives
and heartily loves my enemies.”
It
appears by his diary for the remaining part of this week, and for
the two following week, that great part of the time he was very
ill, and full of pain; and yet obliged, through his circumstances, in this
ill state of body, to be at great fatigues, in labour, and travelling day
and night, and to expose himself in stormy and severe seasons. He from
time to time, within this space, speaks of outgoings of soul after God;
his heart strengthened in God; seasons of divine sweetness and comfort;
his heart affected with gratitude for mercies, &c. And yet there are
many complaints of lifelessness, weakness of grace, distance from God,
and great unprofitableness. But still there appear a constant care from
day to day, not to lose time, but to improve it all for God.
“Lord’s
day,
Nov. 27. In the evening I was greatly affected in reading an account of
the very joyful death of a pious gentleman; which seemed to invigorate
my soul in God’s ways. I felt courageously engaged to pursue a life of
holiness and self-denial as long as I live; and poured out my soul to God
for his help and assistance in order thereto. Eternity then seemed near,
and my soul rejoiced, and longed to meet it. I trust that will be a blessed
day that finishes my toil here.
“Monday,
Nov.
28. In the evening I was obliged to spend time in company and conversation
that was unprofitable.--Nothing lies heavier upon me, than the misimprovement
of time.
“Tuesday,
Nov.
29. Began to study the Indian tongue with Mr. Sergeant at Stockbridge.*--Was
perplexed for want of more retirement.--I love to live alone in my own
little cottage, where I can spend much time in prayer, &c.
“Wednesday,
Nov.
30. Pursued my study of Indian: but was very weak and disordered in body,
and was troubled in mind at the barrenness of the day, that I had done
so little for God. I had some enlargement in prayer at night. Oh, a barn,
or stable, hedge, or any other place, is truly desirable, if God is there!
Sometimes, of late, my hopes of Zion’s prosperity are more raised than
they were in the summer. My soul seems to confide in God, that he will
yet ‘show forth his salvation’ to his people, and make Zion ‘the joy of
the whole earth. O how excellent is the loving-kindness of the Lord!’ My
soul sometimes inwardly exults at the lively thoughts of what God has already
done for his church, and what “mine eyes have seen of the salvation of
God.” It is sweet, to hear nothing but spiritual discourse from God’s children;
and sinners ‘inquiring the way to Zion,’ saying, ‘What shall we do?’ &c.
O that I may see more of this blessed work!
“Thursday,
Dec.
1. Both morning and evening I enjoyed some intenseness of soul in prayer,
and longed for the enlargement of Christ’s kingdom in the world. My soul
seems, of late, to wait on God for his blessing on Zion. O that
religion might powerfully revive!
“Friday,
Dec.
2. Enjoyed not so much health of body, or fervour of mind, as yesterday.
If the chariot-wheels move with ease and speed at any time, for a short
space, yet by and by they drive heavily again. ‘O that I had the wings
of a dove, that I might fly away’ from sin and corruption, and be at
rest in God!
“Saturday,
Dec.
3. Rode home to my house and people. Suffered much with the extreme cold.--I
trust I shall ere long arrive safe at my journey’s end, where my toils
shall cease.
“Lord’s
day, Dec.
4. Had but little sense of divine and heavenly things. My soul mourns over
my barrenness. Oh how sad is spiritual deadness!
“Monday,
Dec.
5. Rode to Stockbridge. Was almost outdone with the extreme cold. Had some
refreshing meditations by the way; but was barren, wandering, and lifeless,
much of the day. Thus my days roll away, with but little done for God;
and this is my burden.
“Tuesday,
Dec.
6. Was perplexed to see the vanity and levity of professed Christians.
Spent the evening with a christian friend, who was able in some measure
to sympathize with me in my spiritual conflicts. Was a little refreshed
to find one with whom I could converse of inward trials, &c.
“Wednesday,
Dec.
7. Spent the evening in perplexity, with a kind of guilty indolence. When
I have no heart or resolution for God, and the duties incumbent on me,
I feel guilty of negligence and misimprovement of time. Certainly I ought
to be engaged in my work and business, to the utmost extent of my strength
and ability.
“Thursday,
Dec.
8. My mind was much distracted with different affections. I seemed to be
at an amazing distance from God; and looking round in the world, to see
if there was not some happiness to be derived from it. God, and certain
objects in the world, seemed each to invite my heart and affections; and
my soul seemed to be distracted between them. I have not been so much beset
with the world for a long time; and that with relation to some particular
objects which I thought myself most dead to. But even while I was desiring
to please myself with any thing below, guilt, sorrow, and perplexity attended
the first motions of desire. Indeed I cannot see the appearance of pleasure
and happiness in the world, as I used to do: and blessed be God for any
habitual deadness to the world.--I found no peace, or deliverance from
this distraction and perplexity of mind, till I found access to the throne
of grace: and as soon as I had any sense of God, and things divine, the
allurements of the world vanished, and my heart was determined for God.
But my soul mourned over my folly, that I should desire any pleasure, but
only in God. God forgive my spiritual idolatry!”
*
The commissioners who employed him, had directed him to spend much time
this winter with Mr. Sergeant, to learn the language of the Indians; which
necessitated him very often to ride, backwards and forwards, twenty miles
through the uninhabited woods between Stockbridge and Kaunaumeek; which
many times exposed him to extreme hardship in the severe seasons of the
winter.
PART
V. A.D. 1743, 1744. ÆT. 25-27. 341
The
next thirteen days he appears to have been continually in deep concern
about the improvement of precious time; and there are many expressions
of grief, that he improved time no better; such as, “Oh, what misery do
I feel, when “my thoughts rove after vanity! I should be happy if always
engaged for God! O wretched man that I am!” &c. Speaks of his being
pained with a sense of his barrenness, perplexed with his wanderings, longing
for deliverance from the being of sin, mourning that time passed away,
and so little was done for God, &c.--On Tuesday, December 20,
he speaks of his being visited at Kaunaumeek by some under spiritual concern.
“Thursday,
Dec.
22. Spent this day alone in fasting and prayer, and reading in God’s word
the exercises and deliverances of his children. Had, I trust, some exercise
of faith, and realizing apprehension of divine power, grace, and holiness;
and also of the unchangeable of God, that he is the same as when he delivered
his saints of old out of great tribulation. My soul was sundry times in
prayer enlarged for God’s church and people. O that Zion might become the
‘joy of the whole earth!’ It is better to wait upon God with patience,
than to put confidence in any thing in this lower world. ‘My soul, wait
thou on the Lord;’ for ‘from him comes thy salvation.’
“Friday,
Dec.
23. Felt a little more courage and resolution in religion, than at some
other times.
“Saturday,
Dec.
24. Had some assistance and longing desires after sanctification in prayer
this day; especially in the evening: was sensible of my own weakness and
spiritual impotency; saw plainly I should fall into sin, if God of his
abundant mercy did not ‘uphold in soul, and withhold me from evil.’ O that
God would ‘uphold me by his free Spirit, and save me from the hour of temptation.’
“Lord’s
day, Dec.
25. Prayed much, in the morning, with a feeling sense of my own spiritual
weakness and insufficiency for any duty. God gave me some assistance in
preaching to the Indians; and especially in the afternoon, when I was enabled
to speak will uncommon plainness, freedom, and earnestness. Blessed be
God for any assistance granted to one so unworthy. Afterwards felt some
thankfulness; but still sensible of barrenness.--Spent some time in the
evening with one or two persons under spiritual concern, and exhorting
others to their duty, &c.
“Monday,
Dec.
26. Rode down to Stockbridge. Was very much fatigued with my journey, wherein
I underwent great hardships: was much exposed and very wet by falling into
a river. Spent the day and evening without much sense of divine and heavenly
things; but felt guilty, grieved, and perplexed with wandering careless
thoughts.
“Tuesday,
Dec.
27. Had a small degree of warmth in secret prayer, in the evening; but,
alas! had but little spiritual life, and consequently but little comfort.
Oh, the pressure of a body of death!*
“Wednesday,
Dec.
28. Rode about six miles to the ordination of Mr. Hopkins. At the solemnity
I was somewhat affected with a sense of the greatness and importance of
the work of a minister of Christ. Afterwards was grieved to see the vanity
of the multitude. In the evening spent a little time with some christian
friends, with some degree of satisfaction; but most of the time I had rather
have been alone.
“Thursday,
Dec.
29. Spent the day mainly in conversing with friends; yet enjoyed little
satisfaction, because I could find but few disposed to converse of divine
and heavenly things. Alas, what are the things of this world, to afford
satisfaction to the soul!--Near night returned to Stockbridge; in secret,
I blessed God for retirement, and that I am not always exposed to the company
and conversation of the world. O that I could live ‘in the secret of God’s
presence!’
“Friday,
Dec.
30. Was in a solemn devout frame in the evening. Wondered that earth, with
all its charms, should ever allure me in the least degree. O that I could
always realize the being and holiness of God!
“Saturday,
Dec.
31. Rode from Stockbridge home to my house: the air was clear and calm,
but as cold as ever I felt it, or near. I was in great danger of perishing
by the extremity of the season.--Was enabled to meditate much on the road.
“Lord’s
day, Jan.
1, 1744. In the morning had some small degree of assistance in prayer.
Saw myself so vile and unworthy, that I could not look my people in the
face, when I came to preach. Oh my meanness, folly, ignorance, and inward
pollution!--In the evening had a little assistance in prayer, so that the
duty was delightful, rather than burdensome. Reflected on the goodness
of God to me in the past year, &c. Of a truth God has been kind and
gracious to me, though he has caused me to pass through many sorrows; he
has provided for me bountifully, so that I have been enabled, in about
fifteen months past, to bestow to charitable uses about a hundred pounds
New England money, that I can now remember.† Blessed be the Lord, that
has so far used me as his steward, to distribute a portion of
his goods. May I always remember, that all I have comes from God. Blessed
be the Lord, that has carried me through all the toils, fatigues, and hardships
of the year past, as well as the spiritual sorrows and conflicts that have
attended it. O that I could begin this year with God, and spend
the whole of it to his glory, either in life or death!
“Monday,
Jan.
2. Had some affecting sense of my own impotency and spiritual weakness.--It
is nothing but the power of God that keeps me from all manner of wickedness.
I see I am nothing, and can do nothing without help from above.
Oh, for divine grace! In the evening, had some ardour of soul in prayer,
and longing desires to have God for my guide and safeguard at all times.‡
“Tuesday,
Jan.
3. Was employed much of the day in writing; and spent some time in other
necessary employment. But my time passes away so swiftly, that I am astonished
when I reflect on it, and see how little I do. My state of solitude does
not make the hours hang heavy upon my hands. O what reason of thankfulness
have I on account of this retirement! I find that I do not, and it seems
I cannot, lead a christian life when I am abroad, and cannot spend
time in devotion, christian conversation, and serious meditation, as I
should do. Those weeks that I am obliged now to be from home, in order
to learn the Indian tongue, are mostly spent in perplexity and barrenness,
without much sweet relish of divine things; and I feel myself a stranger
at the throne of grace, for want of more frequent and continued retirement.
When I return home, and give myself to meditation, prayer, and fasting,
a new scene opens to my mind, and my soul longs for mortification, self-denial,
humility, and divorcement from all the things of the world. This evening
my heart was somewhat warm and fervent in prayer and meditation, so that
I was loth to indulge sleep. Continued in those duties till about midnight.
“Wednesday,
Jan.
4. Was in a resigned and mortified temper of mind, much of the day. Time
appeared a moment, life a vapour, and all its enjoyments
as empty bubbles, and fleeting blasts of wind.
“Thursday,
Jan.
5. Had an humbling and pressing sense of my unworthiness. My sense of the
badness of my own heart filled my soul with bitterness and anguish; which
was ready to sink, as under the weight of a heavy burden. Thus I spent
the evening, till late.--Was somewhat intense and ardent in prayer.
“Friday,
Jan.
6. Feeling and considering my extreme weakness, and want of grace, the
pollution of my soul, and danger of temptations on every side, I set apart
this day for fasting and prayer, neither eating nor drinking from evening
to evening, beseeching God to have mercy on me. My soul intensely longed,
that the dreadful spots and stains of sin might be washed away from it.
Saw something of the power and all-sufficiency of God. My soul seemed to
rest on his power and grace; longed for resignation to his will, and mortification
to all things here below. My mind was greatly fixed on divine things: my
resolutions for a life of mortification, continual watchfulness, self-
*
This day he wrote the second letter among his Remains.
†
Which was, I suppose, to the value of about one hundred and eighty-five
pounds in our bills of the old tenor, as they now pass. By this, as
well as many other things, it is manifest, that his frequent melancholy
did not arise from the consideration of any disadvantage he was laid under
to get a living in the world, by his expulsion from the college.
‡
This day he wrote the third letter among his Remains.
342
BRAINERD’S LIFE AND DIARY.
denial,
seriousness, and devotion, were strong and fixed; my desires ardent and
intense; my conscience tender, and afraid of every appearance of evil.
My soul grieved with reflection on past levity, and want of resolution
for God. I solemnly renewed my dedication of myself to God, and longed
for grace to enable me always to keep covenant with him. Time appeared
very short, eternity near; and a great name, either in or after life, together
with all earthly pleasures and profits, but an empty bubble, a deluding
dream.
“Saturday,
Jan.
7. Spent this day in seriousness, with stedfast resolutions for God and
a life of mortification. Studied closely, till I felt my bodily strength
fail. Felt some degree of resignation to God, with an acquiescence in his
dispensations. Was grieved that I could do so little for God before my
bodily strength failed.--In the evening, though tired, was enabled to continue
instant in prayer for some time. Spent the time in reading, meditation,
and prayer, till the evening was far spent: was grieved to think that I
could not watch unto prayer the whole night.--But blessed be God,
heaven is a place of continual and incessant devotion, though the earth
is dull.”
The
six days following he continued in the same happy frame of mind;
enjoyed the same composure, calmness, resignation, ardent desire, and sweet
fervency of spirit, in a high degree, every day, not one excepted. Thursday,
this week, he kept as a day of secret fasting and prayer.
“Saturday,
Jan.
14. This morning enjoyed a most solemn season in prayer: my soul seemed
enlarged, and assisted to pour out itself to God for grace, and for every
blessing I wanted, for myself, my dear christian friends, and for the church
of God; and was so enabled to see him who is invisible, that my
soul rested upon him for the performance of every thing I asked
agreeable to his will. It was then my happiness, to ‘continue instant in
prayer,’ and was enabled to continue in it for nearly an hour. My soul
was then ‘strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.’ Longed exceedingly
for angelic holiness and purity, and to have all my thoughts, at all times,
employed in divine and heavenly things. O how blessed is a heavenly temper!
O how unspeakably blessed it is, to feel a measure of that rectitude, in
which we were at first created!--Felt the same divine assistance in prayer
sundry times in the day. My soul confided in God for myself, and for his
Zion; trusted in divine power and grace, that he would do glorious things
in his church on earth, for his own glory.”
The
next day he speaks of some glimpses he had of the divine glories,
and of his being enabled to maintain his resolutions in some measure; but
complains, that he could not draw near to God. He seems to be filled with
trembling fears lest he should return to a life of vanity, to please himself
with some of the enjoyments of this lower world; and speaks of his being
much troubled, and feeling guilty, that he should address immortal souls
with no more ardency and desire of their salvation.--On Monday he
rode down to Stockbridge, when he was distressed with the extreme cold;
but notwithstanding, his mind was in a devout and solemn frame in his journey.
The four next days he was very ill, probably from the cold in his
journey; yet he spent the time in a solemn manner. On Friday evening
he visited Mr. Hopkins; and on Saturday rode eighteen miles to Solsbury,
where he kept the sabbath, and enjoyed considerable degrees of God’s gracious
presence, assistance in duty, and divine comfort and refreshment, longing
to give himself wholly to God, to be his for ever.
“Monday,
Jan.
23. I think I never felt more resigned to God, nor so much dead to the
world, in every respect, as now; was dead to all desire of reputation and
greatness, either in life, or after death; all I longed for, was to be
holy, humble, crucified to the world, &c.
“Tuesday,
Jan.
24. Near noon, rode over to Canaan. In the evening I was unexpectedly visited
by a considerable number of people, with whom I was enabled to converse
profitably of divine things: took pains to describe the difference between
a regular and irregular SELF-LOVE; the one consisting with
a supreme love to God, but the other not; the former uniting
God’s glory and the soul’s happiness, that they become one common interest,
but the latter disjoining and separating God’s glory and man’s happiness,
seeking the latter with a neglect of the former. Illustrated this by that
genuine love that is founded between the sexes; which is diverse from that
which is wrought up towards a person only by rational argument, or hope
of self-interest. Love is a
pleasing passion, it affords pleasure
to the mind where it is; but yet, genuine love is not, nor can be placed,
upon any object with that design of pleasure itself.”
On
Wednesday he rode to Sheffield; the next day, to Stockbridge;
and on Saturday, home to Kaunaumeek, though the season was cold
and stormy: which journey was followed with illness and pain. It appears
by this diary, that he spent the time, while riding, in profitable meditations,
and in lifting up his heart to God; and he speaks of assistance, comfort,
and refreshment; but still complains of barrenness, &c. His diary for
the five next days is full of the most heavy, bitter complaints;
and he expresses himself as full of shame and self-loathing for his lifeless
temper of mind and sluggishness of spirit, and as being in perplexity and
extremity, and appearing to himself unspeakably vile and guilty before
God, on account of some inward workings of corruption he found in his heart,
&c.
“Thursday,
Feb.
2. Spent this day in fasting and prayer, seeking the presence and assistance
of God, that he would enable me to overcome all my corruptions and spiritual
enemies.
“Friday,
Feb.
3. Enjoyed more freedom and comfort than of late; was engaged in meditation
upon the different whispers of the various powers and affections of a pious
mind, exercised with a great variety of dispensations: and could but write,
as well as meditate, on so entertaining a subject.* I hope the Lord gave
me some true sense of divine things this day: but alas, how great and pressing
are the remains of indwelling corruption! I am now more sensible than ever,
that God alone is ‘the author and finisher of our faith,’ i.e. that
the whole, and every part of sanctification, and every good word, work,
or thought, found in me, is the effect of his power and grace; that ‘without
him I can do nothing,’ in the strictest sense, and that ‘he works in us
to will and to do of his own good pleasure,’ and from no other motive.
Oh, how amazing it is that people can talk so much about men’s power and
goodness; when, if God did not hold us back every moment, we should be
devils incarnate! This my bitter experience, for several days last past,
has abundantly taught me concerning myself.
“Saturday,
Feb.
4. Enjoyed some degree of freedom and spiritual refreshment; was enabled
to pray with some fervency; and longing desires of Zion’s prosperity, and
my faith and hope seemed to take hold of God, for the performance
of what I was enabled to plead for. Sanctification in myself, and the ingathering
of God’s elect, was all my desire; and the hope of its accomplishment,
all my joy.
“Lord’s
day, Feb.
5. Was enabled in some measure to rest and confide in God, and to prize
his presence and some glimpses of the light of his countenance, above my
necessary food. Thought myself, after the season of weakness, temptation,
and desertion I endured the last week, to be somewhat like Samson, when
his locks began to grow again. Was enabled to preach to my people with
more life and warmth than I have for some weeks past.
“Monday,
Feb.
6. This morning my soul again was strengthened in God, and found some sweet
repose in him in prayer; longing especially for the complete mortification
of sensuality and pride, and for resignation to God’s dispensations, at
all times, as through grace I felt it at this time. I did not desire deliverance
from any difficulty that attends my circumstances, unless God was willing.
O how comfortable is this temper!--Spent most of the day in reading God’s
word, in writing, and prayer. Enjoyed repeated and frequent comfort and
intenseness of soul in prayer through the day. In the evening spent some
hours in private conversation with my people; and afterwards felt some
warmth in secret prayer.
*
This is inserted among his Remains.
PART
V. A.D. 1743, 1744. ÆT 25-27. 343
“Tuesday,
Feb.
7. Was much engaged in some sweet meditations on the powers and affections
of the godly soul in their pursuit of their beloved object: wrote something
of the native language of spiritual sensation, in its soft and tender whispers;
declaring, that it now feels and tastes that the Lord is gracious; that
he is the supreme good, the only soul-satisfying happiness: that he is
a complete, sufficient, and almighty portion: saying,
‘Whom
have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire besides
this blessed portion. O, I feel it is heaven to please him, and to be just
what he would have me to be! O that my soul were holy, as he is holy!
O that it were pure, even as Christ is pure; and perfect, as
my Father in heaven is perfect! These, I feel, are the sweetest commands
in God’s book, comprising all others. And shall I break them! must I break
them! am I under a necessity of it as long as I live in the world! O my
soul, woe, woe is me that I am a sinner, because I now necessarily grieve
and offend this blessed God, who is infinite in goodness and grace! Oh,
methinks, if he would punish me for my sins, it would not wound my heart
so deep to offend him: but though I sin continually, yet he continually
repeats his kindness to me! Oh, methinks I could bear any sufferings; but
how can I bear to grieve and dishonour this blessed God! How shall I yield
ten thousand times more honour to him? What shall I do to glorify and worship
this best of beings? O that I could consecrate myself, soul and body, to
his service for ever! O that I could give up myself to him, so as never
more to attempt to be my own, or to have any will or affections that are
not perfectly conformed to him! But, alas, alas! I find I cannot be thus
entirely devoted to God; I cannot live, and not sin. O ye angels, do ye
glorify him incessantly; and if possible, prostrate yourselves lower before
the blessed King of heaven? I long to bear a part with you; and, if it
were possible, to help you. Oh, when we have done all that we can, to all
eternity, we shall not be able to offer the ten thousandth part of the
homage that the glorious God deserves!’
“Felt
something spiritual, devout, resigned, and mortified to the world, much
of the day; and especially towards and in the evening. Blessed be God,
that he enables me to love him for himself.
“Wednesday,
Feb.
8. Was in a comfortable frame of soul most of the day; though sensible
of, and restless under, spiritual barrenness. I find that both mind and
body are quickly tired with intenseness and fervour in the things of God.
O that I could be as incessant as angels in devotion and spiritual
fervour!
“Thursday,
Feb.
9. Observed this day as a day of fasting and prayer, entreating of God
to bestow upon me his blessing and grace; especially to enable me to live
a life of mortification to the world, as well as of resignation and patience.
Enjoyed some realizing sense of divine power and goodness in prayer, several
times; and was enabled to roll the burden of myself, and friends, and Zion,
upon the goodness and grace of God: but, in the general, was more dry and
barren than I have usually been of late upon such occasions.
“Friday,
Feb.
10. Was exceedingly oppressed, most of the day, with shame, grief, and
fear, under a sense of my past folly, as well as present barrenness and
coldness. When God sets before me my past misconduct, especially any instances
of misguided zeal, it sinks my soul into shame and confusion, makes
me afraid of a shaking leaf. My fear is such as the prophet Jeremy complains
of, Jer. xx. 10.--I have no confidence to hold up my face, even before
my fellow-worms; but only when my soul confides in God, and I find the
sweet temper of Christ, the spirit of humility, solemnity, and mortification,
and resignation, alive in my soul.--But, in the evening, was unexpectedly
refreshed in pouring out my complaint to God; my shame and fear
was turned into a sweet composure and acquiescence in God.
“Saturday,
Feb.
11. Felt much as yesterday: enjoyed but little sensible communion with
God.
“Lord’s
day, Feb.
12. My soul seemed to confide in God, and to repose itself on him; and
had outgoings of soul after God in prayer. Enjoyed some divine assistance,
in the forenoon, in preaching; but in the afternoon, was more perplexed
with shame, &c. Afterwards, found some relief in prayer; loved, as
a feeble, afflicted, despised creature, to cast myself on a God of infinite
grace and goodness, hoping for no happiness but from him.
“Monday,
Feb.
13. Was calm and sedate in morning-devotions; and my soul seemed to rely
on God.--Rode to Stockbridge, and enjoyed some comfortable meditations
by the way; had a more refreshing taste and relish of heavenly blessedness
than I have enjoyed for many months past. I have many times, of late, felt
as ardent desires of holiness as ever; but not so much sense of the sweetness
and unspeakable pleasure of the enjoyments and employments of heaven. My
soul longed to leave earth, and bear a part with angels in their celestial
employments. My soul said, ‘Lord, it is good to be here;’ and it appeared
to be better to die than to lose the relish of these heavenly delights.”
A
sense of divine things seemed to continue with him, in a lesser degree,
through the next day. On Wednesday he was, by some discourse
that he heard, cast into a melancholy gloom, that operated much in the
same manner as his melancholy had formerly done, when he came first to
Kaunaumeek; the effects of which seemed to continue in some degree the
six following days.
“Wednesday,
Feb.
22. In the morning had as clear a sense of the exceeding pollution of my
nature, as ever I remember to have had in my life. I then appeared to myself
inexpressibly loathsome and defiled; sins of childhood, of early youth,
and such follies as I had not thought of for years together, as I remember,
came now fresh to my view as if committed but yesterday, and appeared in
the most odious colours; they appeared more in numbers than the hairs of
my head; yea, they ‘went over my head as a heavy burden.’--In the evening,
the hand of faith seemed to be strengthened in God; my soul seemed to rest
and acquiesce in him; was supported under my burdens, reading the 125th
Psalm; and found that it was sweet and comfortable to lean on God.
“Thursday,
Feb.
23. Was frequent in prayer, and enjoyed some assistance.--There is a God
in heaven who overrules all things for the best; and this is the comfort
of my soul: ‘I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of
God in the land of the living,’ notwithstanding present sorrows.--In the
evening, enjoyed some freedom in prayer, for myself, friends, and the church
of God.
“Friday,
Feb.
24. Was exceeding restless and perplexed under a sense of the misimprovement
of time; mourned to see time pass away; felt in the greatest hurry; seemed
to have every thing to do: yet could do nothing, but only grieve and groan
under my ignorance, unprofitableness, meanness, the foolishness of my actions
and thoughts, the pride and bitterness of some past frames, all which at
this time appeared to me in lively colours, and filled me with shame. I
could not compose my mind to any profitable studies, by reason of this
pressure. And the reason, I judge, why I am not allowed to study a great
part of my time, is, because I am endeavouring to lay in such a stock of
knowledge, as shall be a self-sufficiency.--I know it to be my indispensable
duty to study, and qualify myself in the best manner I can for public service;
but this is my misery, I naturally study and prepare, that I may ‘consume
it upon my lusts’ of pride and self-confidence.”
He
continued in much the same frame of uneasiness at the misimprovement of
time, and pressure of spirit under a sense of vileness, unprofitableness,
&c. for the six following days; excepting some intervals of
calmness and composure, in resignation to and confidence in God.
“Friday,
March
2. Was most of the day employed in writing on a divine subject. Was frequent
in prayer, and enjoyed some small degree of assistance. But in the evening,
God was pleased to grant me a divine sweetness in prayer; especially in
the duty of intercession. I think I never felt so much kindness and love
to those who, I have reason to think, are my enemies--though at that time
I found such a disposition to think the best of all, that I scarce knew
how to think that any such thing as enmity and hatred lodged in any soul;
it seemed as if all the world must needs be friends--and never prayed with
more
344
BRAINERD’S LIFE AND DIARY.
freedom
and delight, for myself, or dearest friend, than I did now for my enemies.
“Saturday,
March
3. In the morning spent (I believe) an hour in prayer, with great intenseness
and freedom, and with the most soft and tender affection towards mankind.
I longed that those who, I have reason to think, owe me ill will, might
be eternally happy. It seemed refreshing to think of meeting them in heaven,
how much soever they had injured me on earth: had no disposition to insist
upon any confession from them, in order to reconciliation, and the exercise
of love and kindness to them. O it is an emblem of heaven itself, to love
all the world with a love of kindness, forgiveness, and benevolence; to
feel our souls sedate, mild, and meek; to be void of all evil surmisings
and suspicions, and scarce able to think evil of any man upon any occasion;
to find our hearts simple, open, and free, to those that look upon us with
a different eye!--Prayer was so sweet an exercise to me, that I knew not
how to cease, lest I should lose the spirit of prayer. Felt no disposition
to eat or drink, for the sake of the pleasure of it, but only to support
my nature, and fit me for divine service. Could not be content without
a very particular mention of a great number of dear friends at the throne
of grace; as also the particular circumstances of many, so far as they
were known.
“Lord’s
day, March
4. In the morning, enjoyed the same intenseness in prayer as yesterday
morning, though not in so great a degree: felt the same spirit of love,
universal benevolence, forgiveness, humility, resignation, mortification
to the world, and composure of mind, as then. My soul rested in God;
and I found I wanted no other refuge or friend. While my soul thus trusts
in God, all things seem to be at peace with me, even the stones of the
earth: but when I cannot apprehend and confide in God, all things appear
with a different aspect.”
Through
the four next dayshe complains
of barrenness, want of holy confidence in God, stupidity, wanderings of
mind, &c. and speaks of oppression of mind under a sense of exceeding
meanness, past follies, as well as present workings of corruption.--On
Friday he seems to have been restored to a considerable degree of
the same excellent frame that he enjoyed the Saturday before.
“Saturday,
March
10. In the morning, felt exceeding dead to the world, and all its enjoyments:
I thought I was ready and willing to give up life and all its comforts,
as soon as called to it; and yet then had as much comfort of life as almost
ever I had. Life itself now appeared but an empty bubble; the riches, honours,
and common enjoyments of life appeared extremely tasteless. I longed to
be perpetually and entirely crucified to all things here below,
by cross of Christ. My soul was sweetly resigned to God’s disposal
of me, in every regard; and I saw there had nothing happened but what was
best for me. I confided in God, that he would never leave me, though
I should ‘walk through the valley of the shadow of death.’ It was then
my meat and drink to be holy, to live to the Lord, and die to the Lord.
And I thought, that I then enjoyed such a heaven, as far exceeded the most
sublime conceptions of an unregenerate soul; and even unspeakably beyond
what I myself could conceive of at another time. I did not wonder that
Peter said, “Lord, it is good to be here,” when thus refreshed with divine
glories. My soul was full of love and tenderness in the duty of intercession;
especially felt a most sweet affection to some precious godly ministers
of my acquaintance. Prayed earnestly for dear Christians, and for those
I have reason to fear are my enemies; and could not have spoken a word
of bitterness, or entertained a bitter thought, against the vilest man
living. Had a sense of my own great unworthiness. My soul seemed to breathe
forth love and praise to God afresh, when I thought he would let his children
love and receive me as one of their brethren and fellow-citizens. When
I thought of their treating me in that manner, I longed to lie at their
feet; and could think of no way to express the sincerity and simplicity
of my love and esteem of them, as being much better than myself.--Towards
night was very sorrowful; seemed to myself the worst creature living; and
could not pray, nor meditate, nor think of holding up my face before the
world.--Was a little relieved in prayer, in the evening; but longed to
get on my knees, and ask forgiveness of every body that ever had seen any
thing amiss in my past conduct, especially in my religious zeal.--Was
afterwards much perplexed, so that I could not sleep quietly.
“Lord’s
day, March
11. My soul was in some measure strengthened in God, in morning
devotion; so that I was released from trembling fear and distress.--Preached
to my people from the parable of the sower, Matt. xiii. and enjoyed
some assistance, both parts of the day: had some freedom, affection, and
fervency in addressing my poor people; longed that God should take hold
of their hearts, and make them spiritually alive. And indeed I had so much
to say to them, that I knew not how to leave off speaking.*
“Monday,
March
12. In the morning was in a devout, tender, and loving frame of mind; and
was enabled to cry to God, I hope, with a child-like spirit, with importunity,
and resignation, and composure of mind. My spirit was full of quietness,
and love to mankind; and longed that peace should reign on the earth: was
grieved at the very thoughts of a fiery, angry, and intemperate
zeal in religion; mourned over past follies in that regard; and my soul
confided in God for strength and grace sufficient for my future work and
trials.--Spent the day mainly in hard labour, making preparation for my
intended journey.
“Tuesday,
March
13. Felt my soul going forth after God sometimes; but not with such ardency
as I longed for. In the evening, was enabled to continue instant in
prayer, for some considerable time together; and especially had respect
to the journey I designed to enter upon, with the leave of Divine Providence,
on the morrow. Enjoyed some freedom and fervency, entreating that the divine
presence might attend me in every place where my business might
lead me; and had a particular reference to the trials and temptations that
I apprehended I might be more eminently exposed to in particular places.
Was strengthened and comforted; although I was before very weary. Truly
the joy of the Lord is strength and life.
“Wednesday,
March
14. Enjoyed some intenseness of soul in prayer, repeating my petitions
for God’s presence in every place where I expected to be in my journey.
Besought the Lord that I might not be too much pleased and amused with
dear friends and acquaintance, in one place and another.--Near ten set
out on my journey; and near night came to Stockbridge.
“Thursday,
March
15. Rode down to Sheffield. Here I met a messenger from East Hampton on
Long-Island; who by the unanimous vote of that large town, was sent to
invite me thither, in order to settle with that people, where I had been
before frequently invited. Seemed more at a loss what was my duty than
before; when I heard of the great difficulties of that place, I was much
concerned and grieved, and felt some desires to comply with their request;
but knew not what to do: endeavoured to commit the case to God.”
The
two next days he went no further than Salisbury, being much hindered
by the rain. When he came there, he was much indisposed.--He speaks of
comfortable and profitable conversation with christian friends, on these
days.
“Lord’s
day, March
18. [At Salisbury.] Was exceeding weak and faint, so that I could scarce
walk: but God was pleased to afford me much freedom, clearness, and fervency
in preaching: I have not had the like assistance in preaching to sinners
for many months past.--Here another messenger met me, and informed me of
the vote of another congregation, to give me an invitation to come among
them upon probation for settlement.† Was somewhat exercised in mind with
a weight and burden of care. O that God would ‘send forth faithful labourers
into his harvest!’”
After
this he went forward on his journey towards New
*
This was the last sabbath that ever he performed public service at Kaunaumeek,
and these the last sermons that ever he preached there. It appears by his
diary, that while he continued with these Indians, he took great pains
with them, and did it with much discretion: but the particular manner how,
has been omitted for brevity’s sake.
†
This congregation was that at Millington, near Haddam. They were very earnestly
desirous of his coming among them.
PART
V.A.D.
1743, 1744. ÆT. 25-27.345
York
and New Jersey: in which he proceeded slowly; performing his journey under
great degrees of bodily indisposition. However, he preached several times
by the way, being urged by friends; in which he had considerable assistance.
He speaks of comfort in conversation with christian friends, from time
to time, and of various things in the exercises and frames of his heart,
that show much of a divine influence on his mind in this journey: but yet
complains of the things that he feared, viz. a decline of
his spiritual life, or vivacity in religion, by means of his constant removal
from place to place, and want of retirement; and complains bitterly of
his unworthiness, deadness, &c.--He came to New York on Wednesday,
March 28, and to Elizabeth-town on the Saturday following,
where it seems he waited till the commissioners came together.
“Thursday,
April
5. Was again much exercised with weakness, and with pain in my head. Attended
on the commissioners in their meeting.* Resolved to go on still with the
Indian affair, if Divine Providence permitted; although I had before felt
some inclination to go to East Hampton, where I was solicited to go.Ӡ
After
this, he continued two or three days in the Jerseys, very ill; and then
returned to New York; and from thence into New England; and went to his
native town of Haddam, where he arrived on Saturday, April 14.--And he
continues still his bitter complaints of want of retirement. While he was
in New York, he says thus, “Oh, it is not the pleasures of the world
can comfort me! If God deny his presence, what are the pleasures
of the city to me? One hour of sweet retirement where God is,
is better than the whole world.” And he continues to complain of his ignorance,
meanness, and unworthiness. However, he speaks of some seasons of special
assistance, and divine sweetness.--He spent some days among his friends
at East Hampton and Millington.
“Tuesday,
April
17. Rode to Millington again; and felt perplexed when I set out; was feeble
in body, and weak in faith. I was going to preach a lecture; and feared
I should never have assistance enough to get through. But contriving to
ride alone, at a distance from the company that was going, I spent the
time in lifting up my heart to God: had not gone far before my soul was
abundantly strengthened with those words, ‘If God be for us, who can be
against us?’ I went on, confiding in God; and fearing nothing so much as
self-confidence. In this frame I went to the house of God, and enjoyed
some assistance. Afterwards felt the spirit of love and meekness in conversation
with some friends. Then rode home to my brother’s; and in the evening,
singing hymns with friends, my soul seemed to melt; and in prayer afterwards,
enjoyed the exercise of faith, and was enabled to be fervent
in spirit: found more of God’s presence, than I have done any time
in my late wearisome journey. Eternity appeared very near; my nature was
very weak, and seemed ready to be dissolved; the sun declining,
and the
shadows of the evening drawing on apace. O I longed to fill up the remaining
moments all for God! Though my body was so feeble, and wearied with preaching,
and much private conversation, yet I wanted to sit up all night to do something
for God. To God, the giver of these refreshments, be glory for ever and
ever. Amen.
“Wednesday,
April
18. Was very weak, and enjoyed but little spiritual comfort. Was exercised
with one who cavilled against original sin. May the Lord open his
eyes to see the fountain of sin in himself!”
After
this, he visited several ministers in Connecticut; and then travelled towards
Kaunaumeek, and came to Mr. Sergeant’s at Stockbridge, Thursday, April
26. He performed this journey in a very weak state of body. The things
he speaks of, appertaining to the frames and exercises of his mind, are
at some times deadness and want of spiritual comfort; at other times, resting
in God, spiritual sweetness in conversation, engagedness in meditation
on the road, assistance in preaching, rejoicing to think that so much more
of his work was done, and he so much nearer to the eternal world. And he
once and again speaks of a sense of great ignorance, spiritual pollution,
&c.
“Friday
and Saturday, April 27, and 28. Spent some time in visiting friends,
and discoursing with my people, (who were now moved down from their own
place to Mr. Sergeant’s,) and found them very glad to see me returned.
Was exercised in my mind with a sense of my own unworthiness.
“Lord’s
day, April
29. Preached for Mr. Sergeant, both parts of the day, from Rev. xiv. 4.
‘These are they which were not defiled,’ &c. Enjoyed some freedom in
preaching, though not much spirituality. In the evening, my heart was in
some measure lifted up in thankfulness to God for any assistance.
“Monday,
April
30. Rode to Kaunaumeek, but was extremely ill; did not enjoy the comfort
I hoped for in my own house.
“Tuesday,
May
1. Having received new orders to on to a number of Indians on Delaware
river in Pennsylvania, and my people here being mostly removed to Mr. Sergeant’s,
I this day took all my clothes, books, &c. and disposed of them, and
set out for Delaware river: but made it my way to return to Mr. Sergeant’s;
which I did this day, just at night. Rode several hours in the rain through
the howling wilderness, although I was so disordered in body, that little
or nothing but blood came from me.”
He
continued at Stockbridge the next day, and on Thursday rode
a little way, to Sheffield, under a great degree of illness; but with encouragement
and cheerfulness of mind under his fatigues. On Friday he rode to
Salisbury, and continued there till after the sabbath. He speaks of his
soul’s being, some part of this time, refreshed in conversation with some
christian friends, about their heavenly home and their journey thither.
At other times, he speaks of himself as exceedingly perplexed with barrenness
and deadness, and has this exclamation, “Oh, that time should pass with
so little done for God!”--On Monday he rode to Sharon; and speaks
of himself as distressed at the consideration of the misimprovement of
time.
“Tuesday,
May
8. Set out from Sharon in Connecticut, and travelled about forty-five miles
to a place called the Fish-kill;‡ and lodged there. Spent much of
my time, while riding, in prayer, that God would go with me to Delaware.
My heart sometimes was ready to sink with the thoughts of my work, and
going alone in the wilderness, I knew not where: but still it was comfortable
to think, that others of God’s children had ‘wandered about in caves and
dens of the earth,’ and Abraham, when he was called to go forth, ‘went
out, not knowing whither he went.’ O that I might follow after God!”
The
next day he went forward on his journey; crossed Hudson’s river,
and went to Goshen in the Highlands; and so travelled across the woods,
from Hudson’s river to Delaware, about a hundred miles, through a desolate
and hideous country, above New Jersey; where were very few settlements;
in which journey he suffered much fatigue and hardship. He visited some
Indians in the way,§ and
*
The Indians at Kaunaumeek being but few in number, and Mr. Brainerd having
now been labouring among them about a year, and having prevailed upon them
to be willing to leave Kaunaumeek, and remove to Stockbridge, to live constantly
under Mr. Sergeant’s ministry; he thought he might now do more service
for Christ among the Indians elsewhere; and therefore went this journey
to New Jersey to lay the matter before the commissioners; who met at Elizabeth-town,
on this occasion, and determined that he should forthwith leave Kaunaumeek,
and go to the Delaware Indians.
†
By the invitations Mr. Brainerd had lately received, it appears, that it
was not from necessity, or for want of opportunities to settle in the ministry
amongst the English, notwithstanding the disgrace he had been laid under
at college, that he was determined to forsake all the outward comforts
to be enjoyed in the English settlements, to go and spend his life among
the brutish savages, and endure the difficulties and self-denials
of an Indian mission. He had, just as he was leaving Kaunaumeek,
had an earnest invitation to a settlement at East Hampton on Long Island,
the fairest, pleasantest town on the whole island, and one of its largest
and most wealthy parishes. The people there were unanimous in their desires
to have him for their pastor, and for a long time continued in an earnest
pursuit of what they desired, and were hardly brought to relinquish their
endeavours and give up their hopes of obtaining him. Besides the invitation
he had to Millington; which was near his native town, and in the midst
of his friends. Nor did Mr. Brainerd choose the business of a missionary
to the Indians, rather than accept of those invitations, because he was
unacquainted with the difficulties and sufferings which attended such a
service; for he had had experience of these difficulties in summer and
winter; having spent about a twelvemonth in a lonely desert among these
savages, where he had gone through extreme hardships, and been the subject
of a train of outward and inward sorrows, which were now fresh in his mind.
Notwithstanding all these things, he chose still to go on with this business;
and that although the place he was now going to, was at a still much greater
distance from most of his friends, acquaintance, and native land.
‡
A place so called in New York government, near Hudson’s river, on the west
side of the river.
§
See Mr. Brainerd’s Narrative, in a letter to Mr. Pemberton, among
his Remains.
346
BRAINERD’SLIFE
AND DIARY.
discoursed
with them concerning Christianity. Was considerably melancholy and disconsolate,
being alone in a strange wilderness. On Saturday he came to a settlement
of Irish and Dutch people, about twelve miles above the Forks of Delaware.
“Lord’s
day, May
13. Rose early; felt very poorly after my long journey, and after being
wet and fatigued. Was very melancholy; have scarce even seen such a gloomy
morning in my life; there appeared to be no sabbath; the children
were all at play; I a stranger in the wilderness, and knew not where to
go; and all circumstances seemed to conspire to render my affairs dark
and discouraging. Was disappointed respecting an interpreter, and
heard that the Indians were much scattered, &c. Oh, I mourned after
the presence of God, and seemed like a creature banished from his sight!
yet he was pleased to support my sinking soul, amidst all my sorrows; so
that I never entertained any thought of quitting my business among the
poor Indians; but was comforted to think that death would ere long set
me free from these distresses.--Rode about three or four miles to the Irish
people, where I found some that appeared sober and concerned about religion.
My heart then began to be a little encouraged: went and preached first
to the Irish, and then to the Indians; and in the evening, was a little
comforted; my soul seemed to rest on God, and take courage. O that the
Lord would be my support and comforter in an evil world!
“Monday,
May
14. Was very busy in some necessary studies. Felt myself very loose from
all the world; all appeared ‘vanity and vexation of spirit.’ Seemed lonesome
and disconsolate, as if I were banished from all mankind, and bereaved
of all that is called pleasurable in the world; but appeared to myself
so vile and unworthy, it seemed fitter for me to be here than any where.
“Tuesday,
May
15. Still much engaged in my studies; and enjoy more health than I have
for some time past: but was something dejected in spirit with a sense of
my meanness; seemed as if I could never do any thing at all to any good
purpose by reason of ignorance and folly. O that a sense of these things
might work more habitual humility in my soul!”
He
continued much in the same frame the next day.
“Thursday,
May
17. Was this day greatly distressed with a sense of my vileness; appeared
to myself too bad to walk on God’s earth, or to be treated with kindness
by any of his creatures. God was pleased to let me see my inward pollution
and corruption, to such a degree, that I almost despaired of being made
holy: ‘Oh! wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of
this death?’ In the afternoon met with the Indians, according to appointment,
and preached to them. And while riding to them, my soul seemed to confide
in God; and afterwards had some relief and enlargement of soul in prayer,
and some assistance in the duty of intercession; vital piety and holiness
appeared sweet to me, and I longed for the perfection of it.
“Friday,
May
18. Felt again something of the sweet spirit of religion; and my soul seemed
to confide in God, that he would never leave me.--But oftentimes saw myself
so mean a creature, that I knew not how to think of preaching. O that I
could always live to and upon God!
“Saturday,
May
19. Was, some part of the time, greatly oppressed with the weight and burden
of my work; it seemed impossible for me ever to go through with the business
I had undertaken.--Towards night was very calm and comfortable; and I think
my soul trusted in God for help.
“Lord’s
day, May
20. Preached twice to the poor Indians, and enjoyed some freedom in speaking,
while I attempted to remove their prejudices against Christianity. My soul
longed for assistance from above, all the while; for I saw I had no strength
sufficient for that work. Afterwards preached to the Irish people; was
much assisted in the first prayer, and something in sermon. Several persons
seemed much concerned for their souls, with whom I discoursed afterwards
with much freedom and some power. Blessed be God for any assistance afforded
to an unworthy worm. O that I could live to him!”
Through
the remainder of this week he was sometimes ready to sink with a
sense of his unworthiness and unfitness for the work of the ministry; and
sometimes encouraged and lifted above his fears and sorrows, and was enabled
confidently to rely on God; and especially on Saturday, towards night,
he enjoyed calmness and composure, and assistance in prayer to God. He
rejoiced, “That God remains unchangeably powerful and faithful, a sure
and sufficient portion, and the dwelling-place of his children in all generations.”
“Lord’s
day, May
27. Visited my Indians in the morning, and attended upon a funeral
among them; was affected to see their heathenish practices. O that
they might be ‘turned from darkness to light!’ Afterwards got a considerable
number of them together, and preached to them; and observed them very attentive.
After this, preached to the white people from Heb. ii. 3. ‘How shall we
escape, if we neglect,’ &c. Was enabled to speak with some freedom
and power: several people seemed much concerned for their souls; especially
one who had been educated a Roman catholic. Blessed be the Lord for
any help.
“Monday,
May
28. Set out from the Indians above the Forks of Delaware, on a journey
towards Newark in New Jersey, according to my orders. Rode through the
wilderness; was much fatigued with the heat; lodged at a place called Black-river;
was exceedingly tired and worn out.”
On
Tuesday he came to Newark. The next day, went to Elizabeth-town;
on Thursday he went to New York; and on Friday returned to
Elizabeth-town. These days were spent in some perplexity of mind. He continued
at Elizabeth-town till
Friday in the week following. Was enlivened,
refreshed, and strengthened on the sabbath at the Lord’s table.
The ensuing days of the week were spent chiefly in studies preparatory
to his ordination; and on some of them he seemed to have much of
God’s gracious presence, and of the sweet influences of his Spirit; but
was in a very weak state of body. On Saturday he rode to Newark.
“Lord’s
day, June
10. [At Newark] In the morning, was much concerned how I should perform
the work of the day; and trembled at the thoughts of being left to myself.--Enjoyed
very considerable assistance in all parts of the public service. Had an
opportunity again to attend on the ordinance of the Lord’s supper, and
through divine goodness was refreshed in it: my soul was full of love and
tenderness towards the children of God, and towards all men; felt a certain
sweetness of disposition towards every creature. At night I enjoyed more
spirituality and sweet desire of holiness, than I have felt for some time:
was afraid of every thought and every motion, lest thereby my heart should
be drawn away from God. O that I might never leave the blessed God! ‘Lord,
in thy presence is fulness of joy.’ O the blessedness of living to God!
“Monday,
June
11. This day the Presbytery met together at Newark, in order to
my ordination. Was very weak and disordered in body; yet endeavoured
to repose my confidence in God. Spent most of the day alone; especially
the forenoon. At three in the afternoon preached my probation-sermon, from
Acts xxvi. 17, 18. ‘Delivering thee from the people, and from the Gentiles,’
&c. being a text given me for that end. Felt not well, either in body
or mind; however God carried me through comfortably. Afterwards passed
an examination before the Presbytery. Was much tired, and my mind
burdened with the greatness of that charge I was in the most solemn manner
about to take upon me; my mind was so pressed with the weight of the work
incumbent upon me, that I could not sleep this night, though very weary
and in great need of rest.
“Tuesday,
June
12. Was this morning further examined, respecting my experimental acquaintance
with Christianity.*
*
Mr Pemberton, in a letter to the Honourable Society in Scotland that employed
Mr. Brainerd, which he wrote concerning him, (published in Scotland, in
the Christian Monthly History,) writes thus, “We can with pleasure
say, that Mr. Brainerd passed through his ordination-trial to the universal
approbation of the Presbytery, and appeared uncommonly qualified
for the work of the ministry. He seems to be armed with a great deal of
self-denial, and animated with a noble zeal to propagate the gospel among
those barbarous nations, who have long dwelt in the darkness of heathenism.”
PART
VI.A.D.
1744, 1745. ÆT. 27, 28.347
At
ten o’clock my ordination was attended; the sermon preached by the
Reverend Mr. Pemberton. At this time I was affected with a sense of the
important trust committed to me; yet was composed, and solemn, without
distraction: and I hope that then, as many times before, I gave myself
up to God, to be for him, and not for another. O that I might
always be engaged in the service of God, and duly remember the solemn charge
I have received, in the presence of God, angels, and men. Amen. May I be
assisted of God for this purpose.--Towards night rode to Elizabeth-town.”
PART VI.
FROM
HIS ORDINATION, TILL HE FIRST BEGAN TO PREACH TO THE INDIANS AT CROSSWEEKSUNG,
AMONG WHOM HE HAD HIS MOST REMARKABLE SUCCESS.
“Wednesday,
June
13. [1744.] Spent some considerable time in writing an account of the Indian
affairs to go to Scotland; some, in conversation with friends; but enjoyed
not much sweetness and satisfaction.
“Thursday,
June
14. Received some particular kindness from friends; and wondered that God
should open the hearts of any to treat me with kindness: saw myself to
be unworthy of any favour from God, or any of my fellow-men. Was much exercised
with pain in my head; however, I determined to set out on my journey towards
Delaware in the afternoon; but when the afternoon came, my pain increased
exceedingly, so that I was obliged to betake myself to bed. The night following
I was greatly distressed with pain and sickness; was sometimes almost bereaved
of the exercise of reason by the extremity of pain. Continued much distressed
till Saturday, when I was somewhat relieved by an emetic: but was
unable to walk abroad till the Monday following, in the afternoon; and
still remained very feeble. I often admired the goodness of God, that he
did not suffer me to proceed on my journey from this place where I was
so tenderly used, and to be sick by the way among strangers.--God is very
gracious to me, both in health and sickness, and intermingles much mercy
with all my afflictions and toils. Enjoyed some sweetness in things divine,
in the midst of my pain and weakness. O that I could praise the Lord!”
[JB2]On
Tuesday,
June 19, he set out on his journey home, and in three days reached
his place, near the Forks of Delaware. Performed the journey under much
weakness of body; but had comfort in his soul, from day to day: and both
his weakness of body, and consolation of mind, continued through the week.
“Lord’s
day, June
24. Extremely feeble; scarce able to walk: however, visited my Indians,
and took much pains to instruct them; laboured with some that were much
disaffected to Christianity. My mind was much burdened with the weight
and difficulty of my work. My whole dependence and hope of success seemed
to be on God; who alone I saw could make them willing to receive instruction.
My heart was much engaged in prayer, sending up silent requests to God,
even while I was speaking to them. O that I could always go in the strength
of the Lord!
“Monday,
June
25. Was something better in health than of late; was able to spend a considerable
part of the day in prayer and close studies. Had more freedom and fervency
in prayer than usual of late; especially longed for the presence of God
in my work, and that the poor heathen might be converted. And in evening
prayer my faith and hope in God were much raised. To an eye of reason
every thing that respects the conversion of the heathen is as dark as midnight;
and yet I cannot but hope in God for the accomplishment of something glorious
among them. My soul longed much for the advancement of the Redeemer’s kingdom
on earth. Was very fearful lest I should admit some vain thought, and so
lose the sense I then had of divine things. O for an abiding heavenly
temper!
“Tuesday,
June
26. In the morning my desires seemed to rise, and ascend up freely to God.
Was busy most of the day in translating prayers into the language of the
Delaware Indians; met with great difficulty, by reason that my interpreter
was altogether unacquainted with the business. But though I was much discouraged
with the extreme difficulty of that work, yet God supported me; and especially
in the evening gave me sweet refreshment. In prayer my soul was enlarged,
and my faith drawn into sensible exercise; was enabled to cry to God for
my poor Indians; and though the work of their conversion appeared impossible
with man, yet with God I saw all things were possible.
My faith was much strengthened, by observing the wonderful assistance God
afforded his servants Nehemiah and Ezra, reforming his people, and re-establishing
his ancient church. I was much assisted in prayer for dear christian friends,
and for others that I apprehended to be Christless; but was more especially
concerned for the poor heathen, and those of my own charge: was enabled
to be instant in prayer for them; and hoped that God would bow the heavens
and come down for their salvation. It seemed to me there could be no impediment
sufficient to obstruct that glorious work, seeing the living God, as I
strongly hoped, was engaged for it. I continued in a solemn frame, lifting
up my heart to God for assistance and grace, that I might be more mortified
to this present world, that my whole soul might be taken up continually
in concern for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom: longed that God would
purge me more, that I might be as a chosen vessel to bear his name among
the heathens. Continued in this frame till I dropped asleep.
“Wednesday,
June
27. Felt something of the same solemn concern, and spirit of prayer, that
I enjoyed last night, soon after I rose in the morning.--In the afternoon
rode several miles to see if I could procure any lands for the poor Indians,
that they might live together, and be under better advantages for instruction.
While I was riding had a deep sense of the greatness and difficulty of
my work; and my soul seemed to rely wholly upon God for success, in the
diligent and faithful use of means. Saw, with greatest certainty, that
the arm of the Lord must be revealed, for the help of these
poor heathen, if ever they were delivered from the bondage of the powers
of darkness. Spent most of the time, while riding, in lifting up my heart
for grace and assistance.
“Thursday,
June
28. Spent the morning in reading several parts of the Holy Scripture, and
in fervent prayer for my Indians, that God would set up his kingdom among
them, and bring them into his church.--About nine I withdrew to my usual
place of retirement in the woods; and there again enjoyed some assistance
in prayer. My great concern was for the conversion of the heathen to God;
and the Lord helped me to plead with him for it. Towards noon rode up to
the Indians, in order to preach to them; and while going, my heart went
up to God in prayer for them; could freely tell God, he knew that the cause
was not mine, which I was engaged in; but it was his own cause, and it
would be for his own glory to convert the poor Indians: and blessed be
God, I felt no desire of their conversion, that I might receive honour
from the world, as being the instrument of it. Had some freedom in speaking
to the Indians.”
The
next day he speaks of some serious concern for the kingdom of the blessed
Redeemer; but complains much of barrenness, wanderings, inactivity, &c.
“Saturday,
June
30. My soul was very solemn in reading God’s word; especially the ninth
chapter of Daniel. I saw how God had called out his servants to prayer,
and made them wrestle with him, when he designed to bestow any great mercy
on his church. And, alas! I was ashamed of myself, to think of my dulness
and inactivity, when there seemed to be so much to do for the upbuilding
of Zion. Oh, how does Zion lie waste! I longed that the church of God might
be enlarged: was enabled to pray, I think, in faith; my soul seemed sensibly
to confide in God, and was enabled to wrestle with him. Afterwards walked
abroad to a place of sweet retirement, and enjoyed some assistance in prayer
again; had a sense of my great need of divine help, and felt my
348
BRAINERD’S LIFE AND DIARY.
soul
sensibly depend on God. Blessed be God, this has been a comfortable week
to me.
“Lord’s
day, July
1. In the morning was perplexed with wandering, vain thoughts; was much
grieved, judged and condemned myself before God. And oh, how miserable
did I feel, because I could not live to God! At ten, rode away with a heavy
heart, to preach to my Indians. Upon the road I attempted to lift up my
heart to God; but was infested with an unsettled, wandering frame of mind;
and was exceeding restless and perplexed, and filled with shame and confusion
before God. I seemed to myself to be ‘more brutish than any man;’ and thought
none deserved to be ‘cast out of God’s presence’ so much as I. If I attempted
to lift up my heart to God, as I frequently did by the way, on a sudden,
before I was aware, my thoughts were wandering ‘to the ends of the earth;’
and my soul was filled with surprise and anxiety, to find it thus. Thus
also after I came to the Indians my mind was confused; and I felt nothing
sensibly of that sweet reliance on God, that my soul has been comforted
with in days past. Spent the forenoon in this posture of mind, and preached
to the Indians without any heart. In the afternoon I felt still barren,
when I began to preach; and for about half an hour, I seemed to myself
to know nothing, and to have nothing to say to the Indians; but soon after
I found in myself a spirit of love, and warmth, and power, to address the
poor Indians; and God helped me to plead with them, to ‘turn from all the
vanities of the heathen, to the living God:’ and I am persuaded the Lord
touched their consciences; for I never saw such attention raised in them
before. And when I came away from them, I spent the whole time while I
was riding to my lodgings, three miles distant, in prayer and praise to
God. And after I had rode more than two miles, it came into my mind to
dedicate myself to God again; which I did with great solemnity, and unspeakable
satisfaction; especially gave up myself to him renewed in the work of the
ministry. And this I did by divine grace, I hope, without any exception
or reserve: not in the least shrinking back from any difficulties that
might attend this great and blessed work. I seemed to be most free, cheerful,
and full in this dedication of myself. My whole soul cried, ‘Lord, to thee
I dedicate myself! O accept of me, and let me be thine for ever. Lord,
I desire nothing else, I desire nothing more. O come, come, Lord, accept
a poor worm. Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon
earth that I desire besides thee.’ After this, was enabled to praise
God with my whole soul, that he had enabled me to devote and consecrate
all my powers to him in this solemn manner. My heart rejoiced in my particular
work as a missionary; rejoiced in my necessity of self-denial in
many respects; and still continued to give up myself to God, and implore
mercy of him; praying incessantly, every moment, with sweet fervency. My
nature being very weak of late, and much spent, was now considerably overcome:
my fingers grew very feeble, and somewhat numb, so that I could scarcely
stretch them out straight; and when I lighted from my horse, could hardly
walk, my joints seemed all to be loosed. But I felt abundant strength
in the inner man. Preached to the white people: God helped me much,
especially in prayer. Sundry of my poor Indians were so moved as to come
to meeting also; and one appeared much concerned.
“Monday,
July
2. Had some relish of the divine comforts of yesterday; but could not get
that warmth and exercise of faith that I desired. Had sometimes a distressing
sense of my past follies, and present ignorance and barrenness: and especially
in the afternoon, was sunk down under a load of sin and guilt, in that
I had lived so little to God, after his abundant goodness to me yesterday.
In the evening though very weak, was enabled to pray with fervency, and
to continue instant in prayer, near an hour. My soul mourned over the power
of its corruption, and longed exceedingly to be washed and purged
as with hyssop. Was enabled to pray for my dear absent friends, Christ’s
ministers, and his church; and enjoyed much freedom and fervency, but not
so much comfort, by reason of guilt and shame before God.--Judged and condemned
myself for the follies of the day.
“Tuesday,
July
3. Was still very weak. This morning was enabled to pray under a feeling
sense of my need of help from God, and, I trust, had some faith in exercise;
and, blessed be God, was enabled to plead with him a considerable time.
Truly God is good to me. But my soul mourned, and was grieved at my sinfulness
and barrenness, and longed to be more engaged for God. Near nine withdrew
again for prayer; and through divine goodness, had the blessed Spirit of
prayer; my soul loved the duty, and longed for God in it. O it is sweet
to be the Lord’s, to be sensibly devoted to him! What a blessed
portion is God! How glorious, how lovely in himself! O my soul longed to
improve time wholly for God!--Spent most of the day in translating prayers
into Indian.--In the evening was enabled again to wrestle with God in prayer
with fervency. Was enabled to maintain a self-diffident and watchful frame
of spirit, in the evening, and was jealous and afraid lest I should admit
carelessness and self-confidence.”
The
next day he seems to have had special assistance and fervency most
of the day, but in a less degree than the preceding day. Tuesday
was spent in great bodily weakness; yet seems to have been spent in continual
and exceeding painfulness in religion; but in great bitterness of spirit
by reason of his vileness and corruption; he says, “I thought there was
not one creature living so vile as I. Oh, my inward pollution! Oh, my guilt
and shame before God!--I know not what to do. Oh, I longed ardently to
be cleansed and washed from the stains of inward pollution! Oh, to be made
like God, or rather to be made fit for God to own!”
“Friday,
July
6. Awoke this morning in the fear of God: soon called to mind my sadness
in the evening past; and spent my first waking minutes in prayer for sanctification,
that my soul may be washed from its exceeding pollution and defilement.
After I arose, I spent some time in reading God’s word and in prayer. I
cried to God under a sense of my great indigency.--I am, of late, most
of all concerned for ministerial qualifications, and the conversion of
the heathen: last year I longed to be prepared for a world of glory, and
speedily to depart out of this world; but of late all my concern almost
is for the conversion of the heathen; and for that end I long to live.
But blessed be God, I have less desire to live for any of the pleasures
of the world, than ever I had. I long and love to be a pilgrim; and want
grace to imitate the life, labours, and sufferings of St. Paul among the
heathen. And when I long for holiness now, it is not so much for myself
as formerly; but rather that thereby I may become an ‘able minister of
the New Testament,’ especially to the heathen. Spent about two hours this
morning in reading and prayer by turns; and was in a watchful, tender frame,
afraid of every thing that might cool my affections, and draw away my heart
from God. Was a little strengthened in my studies; but near night was very
weak and weary.
“Saturday,
July
7. Was very much disordered this morning, and my vigour all spent and exhausted:
but was affect, and refreshed in reading the sweet story of Elijah’s translation,
and enjoyed some affection and fervency in prayer: longed much for ministerial
gifts and graces, that I might do something in the cause of God. Afterwards
was refreshed and invigorated, while reading Mr. Joseph Alleine’s first
Case of Conscience, &c. and enabled then to pray with some ardour of
soul, and was afraid of carelessness and self-confidence, and longed for
holiness.
“Lord’s
day, July
8. Was ill last night, not able to rest quietly. Had some small degree
of assistance in preaching to the Indians; and afterwards was enabled to
preach to the white people with some power, especially in the close of
my discourse, from Jer. iii. 23. ‘Truly in vain is salvation hoped for
from the hills,’ &c. The Lord also assisted me in some measure in the
first prayer: blessed be his name. Near night, though very weary, was enabled
to read God’s word with some sweet relish of it, and to pray with affection,
fervency, and I trust with faith: my soul was more sensibly dependent on
God than usual. Was watchful, tender, and jealous of my own heart, lest
I should admit carelessness and vain thoughts, and grieve the blessed Spirit,
so that he should withdraw his sweet, kind, and tender influences. Longed
to ‘depart, and be
PART
VI.A.D.
1744, 1745. ÆT. 27, 28.349
with
Christ,’ more than at any time of late. My soul was exceedingly united
to the saints of ancient times, as well as those now living; especially
my soul melted for the society of Elijah and Elisha. Was enabled to cry
to God with a child-like spirit, and to continue instant in prayer for
some time. Was much enlarged in the sweet duty of intercession: was enabled
to remember great numbers of dear friends, and precious souls, as well
as Christ’s ministers. Continued in this frame, afraid of every idle thought,
till I dropped asleep.
“Monday,
July
9. Was under much illness of body most of the day; and not able to sit
up the whole day. Towards night felt a little better. Then spent some time
in reading God’s word and prayer; enjoyed some degree of fervency and affection:
was enabled to plead with God for his cause and kingdom: and, through divine
goodness, it was apparent to me, that it was his cause I pleaded for, and
not my own; and was enabled to make this an argument with God to answer
my requests.
“Tuesday,
July
10. Was very ill, and full of pain, and very dull and spiritless.--In the
evening had an affecting sense of my ignorance, &c. and of my need
of God at all times, to do every thing for me; and my soul was humbled
before God.
“Wednesday,
July
11. Was still exercised with illness and pain. Had some degree of affection
and warmth in prayer and reading God’s word: longed for Abraham’s faith
and fellowship with God; and felt some resolution to spend all my time
for God, and to exert myself with more fervency in his service; but found
my body weak and feeble. In the afternoon, though very ill, was enabled
to spend some considerable time in prayer; spent indeed most of the day
in that exercise; and my soul was diffident, watchful, and tender, lest
I should offend my blessed Friend, in thought or behaviour. I am persuaded
my soul confided in, and leaned upon, the blessed God. Oh, what need did
I see myself to stand in of God at all times, to assist me and lead me!--Found
a great want of strength and vigour, both in the outward and inner man.”
The
exercises and experiences that he speaks of in the next nine days,
are very similar to those of the preceding days of this and the foregoing
week; a sense of his own weakness, ignorance, unprofitableness, and vileness;
loathing and abhorring himself; self-diffidence; sense of the greatness
of his work, and his great need of divine help, and the extreme danger
of self-confidence; longing for holiness and humility, and to be fitted
for his work, and to live to God; and longing for the conversion of the
Indians; and these things to a very great degree.
“Saturday,
July
21. This morning I was greatly oppressed with guilt and shame, from a sense
of inward vileness and pollution. About nine, withdrew to the woods for
prayer; but had not much comfort; I appeared to myself the vilest, meanest
creature upon earth, and could scarcely live with myself; so mean and vile
I appeared, that I thought I should never be able to hold up my face in
heaven, if God of his infinite grace should bring me thither. Towards night
in my burden respecting my work among the Indians began to increase much;
and was aggravated by hearing sundry things that looked very discouraging;
in particular, that they intended to meet together the next day for an
idolatrous feast and dance. Then I began to be in anguish: I thought I
must in conscience go, and endeavour to break them up; and knew not how
to attempt such a thing. However, I withdrew for prayer, hoping for strength
from above. And in prayer I was exceedingly enlarged, and my soul was as
much drawn out as ever I remember it to have been in my life, or near.
I was in such anguish, and pleaded with so much earnestness and importunity,
that when I rose from my knees I felt extremely weak and overcome, I could
scarcely walk straight, my joints were loosed, the sweat ran down my face
and body, and nature seemed as if it would dissolve. So far as I could
judge, I was wholly free from selfish ends in my fervent supplications
for the poor Indians. I knew they were met together to worship devils,
and not God; and this made me cry earnestly, that God would now appear,
and help me in my attempts to break up this idolatrous meeting. My soul
pleaded long; and I thought God would hear, and would go with me to vindicate
his own cause: I seemed to confide in God for his presence and assistance.
And thus I spent the evening praying incessantly for divine assistance,
and that I might not be self-dependent, but still have my whole dependence
upon God. What I passed through was remarkable, and indeed inexpressible.
All things here below vanished; and there appeared to be nothing of any
considerable importance to me, but holiness of heart and life, and the
conversion of the heathen to God. All my cares, fears, and desires, which
might be said to be of a worldly nature, disappeared; and were, in my esteem,
of little more importance than a puff of wind. I exceedingly longed, that
God would get to himself a name among the heathen; and I appealed to him
with the greatest freedom, that he knew I ‘preferred him above my chief
joy.’ Indeed, I had no notion of joy from this world; I cared not where
or how I lived, or what hardships I went through, so that I could but gain
souls to Christ. I continued in this frame all the evening and night. While
I was asleep, I dreamed of these things; and when I waked, (as I frequently
did,) the first thing I thought of was this great work of pleading for
God against Satan.
“Lord’s
day, July
22. When I waked, my soul was burdened with what seemed to be before me.
I cried to God before I could get out of my bed: and as soon as I was dressed,
I withdrew into the woods, to pour out my burdened soul to God, especially
for assistance in my great work; for I could scarcely think of any thing
else. I enjoyed the same freedom and fervency as the last evening; and
did with unspeakable freedom give up myself afresh to God, for life or
death, for all hardships he should call me to among the heathen: and felt
as if nothing could discourage me from this blessed work. I had a strong
hope, that God would ‘bow the heavens and come down,’ and do some marvellous
work among the heathen. And when I was riding to the Indians, three miles,
my heart was continually going up to God for his presence and assistance;
and hoping, and almost expecting, that God would make this the day of his
power and grace amongst the poor Indians. When I came to them, I found
them engaged in their frolic; but through divine goodness I got them to
break up and attend to my preaching: yet still there appeared nothing of
the special power of God among them. Preached again to them in the afternoon;
and observed the Indians were more sober than before: but still saw nothing
special among them; from whence Satan took occasion to tempt and buffet
me with these cursed suggestions, There is no God, or if there be, he is
not able to convert the Indians before they have more knowledge, &c.
I was very weak and weary, and my soul borne down with perplexity; but
was mortified to all the world, and was determined still to wait upon God
for the conversion of the heathen, though the devil tempted me to the contrary.
“Monday,
July
23. Retained still a deep and pressing sense of what lay with so much weight
upon me yesterday; but was more calm and quiet; enjoyed freedom and composure,
after the temptations of the last evening had sweet resignation to the
divine will; and desired nothing so much as the conversion of the heathen
to God, and that his kingdom might come in my own heart, and the hearts
of others. Rode to a settlement of Irish people, about fifteen miles south-westward;
spent my time in prayer and meditation by the way. Near night preached
from Matt. v. 3. ‘Blessed are the poor in spirit,’ &c. God was pleased
to afford me some degree of freedom and fervency. Blessed be God for
any measure of assistance.
“Tuesday,
July
24. Rode about seventeen miles westward over a hideous mountain, to a number
of Indians. Got together near thirty of them: preached to them in the evening,
and lodged among them.*--Was weak, and felt in some degree disconsolate;
yet could have no freedom in the thought of any other circumstances or
business in life. All my desire was the conversion of the heathen, and
all my hope was in God. God does not suffer me to
*
See Mr. Brainerd’s narrative addressed to Mr. Pemberton, among his Remains.
350
BRAINERD’S LIFE AND DIARY.
please
or comfort myself with hopes of seeing friends, returning to my dear acquaintance,
and enjoying worldly comforts.”
The
next day he preached to these Indians again, and then returned to
the Irish settlement, and there preached to a numerous congregation. There
was a considerable appearance of awakening in the congregation. Thursday
he returned home, exceedingly fatigued and spent; still in the same frame
of mortification to the world, and solicitous for the advancement of Christ’s
kingdom; and on this day he says thus: “I have felt this week more of the
spirit of a pilgrim on earth than perhaps ever before; and yet so
desirous to see Zion’s prosperity, that I was not so willing to leave this
scene of sorrows as I used to be.”--The two remaining days of the
week he was very ill, and complains of wanderings, dulness, and want of
spiritual fervency and sweetness. On the sabbath he was confined by illness,
not able to go out to preach. After this, his illness increased upon him,
and he continued very ill all the week;* and says, that “he thought
he never before endured such a season of distressing weakness; and that
his nature was so spent, that he could neither stand, sit, nor lie with
any quiet; and that he was exercised with extreme faintness and sickness
at his stomach; and that his mind was as much disordered as his body, seeming
to be stupid, and without any kind of affections towards all objects; and
yet perplexed, to think that he lived for nothing, that precious time rolled
away, and he could do nothing but trifle: and speaks of it as a season
wherein Satan buffeted him with some peculiar temptations.”--Concerning
the next five days he writes thus, “On Lord’s day, August
5, was still very poor. But, though very weak, I visited and preached to
the poor Indians twice, and was strengthened vastly beyond my expectations.
And indeed, the Lord gave me some freedom and fervency in addressing them;
though I had not strength enough to stand, but was obliged to sit down
the whole time. Towards night was extremely weak, faint, sick, and full
of pain. And thus I have continued much in the same state that I was in
last week, through the most of this, (it being now Friday,) unable to engage
in any business; frequently unable to pray in the family. I am obliged
to let all my thoughts and concerns run at random; for I have neither strength
to read, meditate, or pray: and this naturally perplexes my mind. I seem
to myself like a man that has all his estate embarked in one small boat,
unhappily going adrift, down a swift torrent. The poor owner stands on
the shore, and looks, and laments his loss.--But, alas! though my all seems
to be adrift, and I stand and see it, I dare not lament; for this sinks
my spirits more, and aggravates my bodily disorders! I am forced therefore
to divert myself with trifles; although at the same time I am afraid and
often feel as if I was guilty of the misimprovement of time. And oftentimes
my conscience is so exercised with this miserable way of spending time,
that I have no peace; though I have no strength of mind or body to improve
it to better purpose. O that God would pity my distressed state!”
The
next three weeks after this his illness was not so extreme; he was
in some degree capable of business, both public and private; although he
had some turns wherein his indisposition prevailed to a great degree. He
also in this space had, for the most part, much more inward assistance,
and strength of mind. He often expresses great longings for the enlargement
of Christ’s kingdom, especially by the conversion of the heathen to God;
and speaks of this hope as all his delight and joy. He continues still
to express his usual longings after holiness, living to God, and a sense
of his own unworthiness. He several times speaks of his appearing to himself
the vilest creature on earth; and once says, that he verily thought
there were none of God’s children who fell so far short of that holiness
and perfection in their obedience which God requires, as he. He speaks
of his feeling more dead than ever to the enjoyments of the world. He sometimes
mentions the special assistance he had, this space of time, in preaching
to the Indians, and of appearances of religious concern among them. He
speaks also of assistance in prayer for absent friends, and especially
ministers and candidates for the ministry; and of much comfort be enjoyed
in the company of some ministers who came to visit him.
“Saturday,
Sept.
1. Was so far strengthened, after a season of great weakness, that I was
able to spend two or three hours in writing on a divine subject. Enjoyed
some comfort and sweetness in things divine and sacred: and as my bodily
strength was in some measure restored, so my soul seemed to be somewhat
vigorous, and engaged in the things of God.
“Lord’s
day, Sept.
2. Was enabled to speak to my poor Indians with much concern and fervency;
and I am persuaded God enabled me to exercise faith in him, while I was
speaking to them. I perceived that some of them were afraid to hearken
to and embrace Christianity, lest they should be enchanted and poisoned
by some of the powows: but I was enabled to plead with them not
to fear these; and confiding in God for safety and deliverance, I bid a
challenge to all these powers of darkness, to do their worst upon
me first. I told my people I was a Christian, and asked them
why the powows did not bewitch and poison me. I scarcely ever felt
more sensible of my own unworthiness, than in this action: I saw, that
the honour of God was concerned in the affair; and I desired to be preserved--not
from selfish views, but--for a testimony of the divine power and goodness,
and of the truth of Christianity, and that God might be glorified. Afterwards
I found my soul rejoice in God for his assisting grace.”
After
this he went a journey into New England, and was absent from the place
of his abode, at the Forks of Delaware, about three weeks. He was
in a feeble state the greater part of the time. But in the latter part
of the journey he found he gained much in health and strength. And as to
the state of his mind, and his religious and spiritual exercises, it was
much with him as usual in his journeys; excepting that the frame of his
mind seemed more generally to be comfortable. But yet there are complaints
of some uncomfortable seasons, want of fervency, and want of retirements,
and time alone with God. In his journey, he did not forget the Indians;
but once and again speaks of his longing for their conversion.
“Wednesday,
Sept.
26. Rode home to the Forks of Delaware. What reason have I to bless God,
who has preserved me in riding more than four hundred and twenty miles,
and has ‘kept all my bones, that not one of them has been broken!’ My health
likewise is greatly recovered. O that I could dedicate my all to God! This
is all the return I can make to him.
“Thursday,
Sept.
27. Was somewhat melancholy; had not much freedom and comfort in prayer:
my soul is disconsolate when God is withdrawn.
“Friday,
Sept.
28. Spent the day in prayer, reading, and writing. Felt some small degree
of warmth in prayer, and some desires of the enlargement of Christ’s kingdom
by the conversion of the heathen, and that God would make me a ‘chosen
vessel, to bear his name before them;’ longed for grace to enable me to
be faithful.”
The
next day he speaks of the same longings for the advancement of Christ’s
kingdom, and the conversion of the Indians; but complains greatly of the
ill effects of the diversions of his late journey, as unfixing his mind
from that degree of engagedness, fervency, watchfulness, &c. which
he enjoyed before. And the like complaints are continued the day after.
“Monday,
Oct.
1. Was engaged this day in making preparation for my intended journey to
Susquehannah: withdrew several times to the woods for secret duties, and
endeavoured to plead for the divine presence to go with me to the poor
pagans, to whom I was going to preach the gospel. Towards night rode about
four miles, and met brother Byram;† who was come, at my desire, to be my
companion in travel to the Indians. I rejoiced to see him; and, I trust,
God made his conversation profitable to me. I saw him, as I thought, more
dead to the world, its anxious cares and alluring objects, than I was;
and this made me look within myself, and gave me a greater sense of my
guilt, ingratitude, and misery.
“Tuesday,
Oct.
2. Set out on my journey, in company
*
This week, on Tuesday, he wrote the fourth letter among his
Remains.
†
Minister at a place called Rockciticus, about forty miles from Mr.
Brainerd’s lodgings.
PART
VI.A.D.
1744, 1745. ÆT. 27, 28.351
with
dear brother Byram, and my interpreter, and two chief Indians from the
Forks of Delaware. Travelled about twenty-five miles, and lodged in one
of the last houses on our road; after which there was nothing but a hideous
and howling wilderness.
“Wednesday,
Oct.
3. We went on our way into the wilderness, and found the most difficult
and dangerous travelling, by far, that ever any of us had seen; we had
scarce any thing else but lofty mountains, deep valleys, and hideous rocks,
to make our way through. However, I felt some sweetness in divine things,
part of the day, and had my mind intensely engaged in meditation on a divine
subject. Near night my beast that I rode upon hung one of her legs in the
rocks, and fell down under me; but through divine goodness I was not hurt.
However, she broke her leg; and being in such a hideous place, and near
thirty miles from any house, I saw nothing that could be done to preserve
her life, and so was obliged to kill her, and to prosecute my journey on
foot. This accident made me admire the divine goodness to me, that my bones
were not broken, and the multitude of them filled with strong pain. Just
at dark we kindled a fire, cut up a few bushes and made a shelter over
our heads, to save us from the frost, which was very hard that night; and
committing ourselves to God by prayer, we lay down on the ground, and slept
quietly.”
The
next day they went forward on their journey, and at night took up
their lodging in the woods in like manner.
“Friday,
Oct.
5. We arrived at Susquehannah river, at a place called Opeholhoupung:*
found there twelve Indian houses: after I had saluted the king in a friendly
manner, I told him my business, and that my desire was to teach them Christianity.
After some consultation, the Indians gathered, and I preached to them.
And when I had done, I asked if they would hear me again. They replied,
that they would consider of it; and soon after sent me word, that they
would immediately attend, if I would preach: which I did, with freedom,
both times. When I asked them again, whether they would hear me further,
they replied, they would the next day. I was exceeding sensible of the
impossibility of doing any thing for the poor heathen without special assistance
from above: and my soul seemed to rest on God, and leave it to him to do
as he pleased in that which I saw was his own cause: and indeed, through
divine goodness, I had felt something of this frame most of the time while
I was travelling thither, and in some measure before I set out.
“Saturday,
Oct.
6. Rose early and besought the Lord for help in my great work. Near noon
preached again to the Indians; and in the afternoon visited them from house
to house, and invited them to come and hear me again the next day, and
put off their hunting design, which they were just entering upon, till
Monday. ‘This night,’ I trust, ‘the Lord stood by me,’ to encourage and
strengthen my soul: I spent more than an hour in secret retirement; was
enabled to ‘pour out my heart before God,’ for the increase of grace in
my soul, for ministerial endowments, for success among the poor Indians,
for God’s ministers and people, for distant dear friends, &c. Blessed
be God!”
The
next day he complains of great want of fixedness and intenseness
in religion, so that he could not keep any spiritual thought one minute
without distraction; which occasioned anguish of spirit. He felt amazingly
guilty, and extremely miserable; and cries out, “Oh, my soul,
what death it is, to have the affections unable to centre in God, by reason
of darkness, and consequently roving after that satisfaction elsewhere,
that is only to be found here!” However, he preached twice to the Indians
with some freedom and power; but was afterwards damped by the objections
they made against Christianity. In the evening, in a sense of his
great defects in preaching, he “entreated God not to impute to him blood-guiltiness;”
but yet was at the same time enabled to
rejoice in God.
“Monday,
Oct.
8. Visited the Indians with a design to take my leave of them, supposing
they would this morning go out to hunting early; but beyond my expectation
and hope, they desired to hear me preach again. I gladly complied with
their request, and afterwards endeavoured to answer their objections
against Christianity. Then they went away; and we spent the rest of the
afternoon in reading and prayer, intending to go homeward very early the
next day. My soul was in some measure refreshed in secret prayer and meditation.
Blessed be the Lord for all his goodness.
“Tuesday,
Oct.
9. We rose about four in the morning, and commending ourselves to God by
prayer, and asking his special protection, we set out on our journey homewards
about five, and travelled with great steadiness till past six at night;
and then made us a fire, and a shelter of barks, and so rested. I had some
clear and comfortable thoughts on a divine subject, by the way, towards
night.--In the night the wolves howled around us; but God preserved us.”
The
next day they rose early, and set forward, and travelled that day
till they came to an Irish settlement, with which Mr. Brainerd was
acquainted, and lodged there. He speaks of some sweetness in divine things,
and thankfulness to God for his goodness to him in this journey, though
attended with shame for his barrenness. On Thursday he continued
in the same place; and both he and Mr. Byram preached there to the
people.
“Friday,
Oct.
12. Rode home to my lodgings; where I poured out my soul to God in secret
prayer, and endeavoured to bless him for his abundant goodness to me in
my late journey. I scarce ever enjoyed more health, at least, of later
years; and God marvellously, and almost miraculously, supported me under
the fatigues of the way, and travelling on foot. Blessed be the Lord, who
continually preserves me in all my ways.”
On
Saturday he went again to the Irish settlement, to spend the sabbath
there, his Indians being gone.
“Lord’s
day,
Oct. 14. Was much confused and perplexed in my thoughts; could not pray;
and was almost discouraged, thinking I should never be able to preach any
more. Afterwards, God was pleased to give me some relief from these confusions;
but still I was afraid, and even trembled before God. I went to the place
of public worship, lifting up my heart to God for assistance and grace
in my great work: and God was gracious to me, helping me to plead with
him for holiness, and to use the strongest arguments with him; drawn from
the incarnation and sufferings of Christ for this very end, that men might
be made holy. Afterwards I was much assisted in preaching. I know not that
ever God helped me to preach in a more close and distinguishing manner
for the trial of men’s state. Through the infinite goodness of God, I felt
what I spoke; he enabled me to treat on divine truth with uncommon clearness:
and yet I was so sensible of my defects in preaching, that I could not
be proud of my performance, as at some times; and blessed be the Lord for
this mercy. In the evening I longed to be entirely alone, to bless God
for help in a time of extremity; and longed for great degrees of holiness,
that I might show my gratitude to God.”
The
next morning he spent some time before sun-rise in prayer, in the
same sweet and grateful frame of mind that he had been in the evening before:
and afterwards went to his Indians, and spent some time in teaching and
exhorting them.
“Tuesday,
Oct.
16. Felt a spirit of solemnity and watchfulness; was afraid I should not
live to and upon God: longed for more intenseness and spirituality.
Spent the day in writing; frequently lifting up my heart to God for more
heavenly-mindedness. In the evening enjoyed sweet assistance in prayer,
and thirsted and pleaded to be as holy as the blessed angels: longed
for ministerial gifts and graces, and success in my work: was sweetly assisted
in the duty of intercession, and enabled to remember and plead for numbers
of dear friends, and Christ’s ministers.”
He
seemed to have much of the same frame of mind the two next days.
“Friday,
Oct.
19. Felt an abasing sense of my own impurity and unholiness; and felt my
soul melt and mourn, that I had abused and grieved a very gracious God,
who was still kind to me, notwithstanding all my unworthiness.
*
See his Narrative addressed to Mr. Pemberton.
352
BRAINERD’S LIFE AND DIARY.
My
soul enjoyed a sweet season of bitter repentance and sorrow, that I had
wronged that blessed God, who, I was persuaded, was reconciled to me in
his dear Son. My soul was now tender, devout, and solemn. And I was afraid
of nothing but sin; and afraid of that in every action and thought.”
The
four next days were manifestly spent in a most constant tenderness,
watchfulness, diligence, and self-diffidence. But he complains of wanderings
of mind, languor of affections, &c.
“Wednesday,
Oct.
24. Near noon, rode to my people; spent some time, and prayed with them:
felt the frame of a pilgrim on earth; longed much to leave this
gloomy mansion; but yet found the exercise of patience and resignation.
And as I returned home from the Indians, spent the whole time in lifting
up my heart to God. In the evening enjoyed a blessed season alone in prayer;
was enabled to cry to God with a child-like spirit, for the space of near
an hour; enjoyed a sweet freedom in supplicating for myself, for dear friends,
ministers, and some who are preparing for that work, and for the church
of God; and longed to be as lively myself in God’s service as the angels.
“Thursday,
Oct.
25. Was busy in writing. Was very sensible of my absolute dependence on
God in all respects; saw that I could do nothing, even in those affairs
that I have sufficient natural faculties for, unless God should smile upon
my attempt. ‘Not that we are sufficient of ourselves, to think any thing
as of ourselves,’ I saw was a sacred truth.
“Friday,
Oct.
26. In the morning my soul was melted with a sense of divine goodness and
mercy to such a vile unworthy worm. I delighted to lean upon God, and place
my whole trust in him. My soul was exceedingly grieved for sin, and prized
and longed after holiness; it wounded my heart deeply, yet sweetly, to
think how I had abused a kind God. I longed to be perfectly holy, that
I might not grieve a gracious God; who will continue to love, notwithstanding
his love is abused! I longed for holiness more for this end, than I did
for my own happiness’ sake: and yet this was my greatest happiness, never
more to dishonour, but always to glorify, the blessed God. Afterwards rode
up to the Indians, in the afternoon, &c.”
The
four next days he was exercised with much disorder and pain of body,
with a degree of melancholy and gloominess of mind, bitterly complaining
of deadness and unprofitableness, yet mourning and longing after God.
“Wednesday,
Oct. 31. Was sensible of my barrenness and decays in the things of
God: my soul failed when I remembered the fervency I had enjoyed at the
throne of grace. Oh, I thought, if I could but be spiritual, warm, heavenly-minded,
and affectionately breathing after God, this would be better than life
to me! My soul longed exceedingly for death, to be loosed from this dulness
and barrenness, and made for ever active in the service of God. I seemed
to live for nothing, and to do no good: and oh, the burden of such a life!
Oh, death, death, my kind friend, hasten, and deliver me from dull mortality,
and make me spiritual and vigorous to eternity!
“Thursday,
Nov.
1. Had but little sweetness in divine things; but afterwards, in the evening,
felt some life, and longings after God. I longed to be always solemn, devout,
and heavenly-minded; and was afraid to leave off praying, lest I should
again lose a sense of the sweet things of God.
“Friday,
Nov.
2. Was filled with sorrow and confusion in the morning, and could enjoy
no sweet sense of divine things, nor get any relief in prayer. Saw I deserved
that every one of God’s creatures should be let loose, to be the executioners
of his wrath against me; and yet therein saw I deserved what I did not
fear as my portion. About noon rode up to the Indians; and while going
could feel no desires for them, and even dreaded to say any thing to them;
but God was pleased to give me some freedom and enlargement, and made the
season comfortable to me. In the evening had enlargement in prayer. But,
alas! what comforts and enlargements I have felt for these many weeks past,
have been only transient and short; and the greater part of my time has
been filled up with deadness, or struggles with deadness, and bitter conflicts
with corruption. I have found myself exercised sorely with some particular
things that I thought myself most of all freed from. And thus I have ever
found it, when I have thought the battle was over, and the conquest gained,
and so let down my watch, the enemy has risen up and done me the greatest
injury.
“Saturday,
Nov.
3. I read the life and trials of a godly man, and was much warmed by it:
I wondered at my past deadness; and was more convinced of it than ever.
Was enabled to confess and bewail my sin before God, with self-abhorrence.
“Lord’s
day, Nov.
4. Had, I think, some exercise of faith in prayer in the morning: longed
to be spiritual. Had considerable help in preaching to my poor Indians:
was encouraged with them, and hoped that God designed mercy for them.”
The
next day* he set out on a journey to New York, to the meeting of
the Presbytery there; and was from home more than a fortnight. He
seemed to enter on his journey with great reluctance; fearing that the
diversions of it would prove a means of cooling his religious affections,
as he had found in other journeys. But yet in this journey he had some
special seasons wherein he enjoyed extraordinary evidences and fruits of
God’s gracious presence. He was greatly fatigued, and exposed to cold and
storms: and when he returned from New York to New Jersey, on Friday,
was taken very ill, and was detained by his illness some time.
“Wednesday,
Nov.
21. Rode from Newark to Rockciticus in the cold, and was almost overcome
with it. Enjoyed some sweetness in conversation with dear Mr. Jones, while
I dined with him: my soul loves the people of God, and especially the ministers
of Jesus Christ, who feel the same trials that I do.
“Thursday,
Nov.
22. Came on my way from Rockciticus to Delaware river. Was very much disordered
with a cold and pain in my head. About six at night I lost my way in the
wilderness, and wandered over rocks and mountains, down hideous steeps,
through swamps, and most dreadful and dangerous places; and the night being
dark, so that few stars could be seen, I was greatly exposed. I was much
pinched with cold, and distressed with an extreme pain in my head, attended
with sickness at my stomach; so that every step I took was distressing
to me. I had little hope for several hours together, but that I must lie
out in the woods all night, in this distressed case. But about nine o’clock
I found a house, through the abundant goodness of God, and was kindly entertained.
Thus I have frequently been exposed, and sometimes lain out the whole night;
but God has hitherto preserved me; and blessed be his name. Such fatigues
and hardships as these serve to wean me more from the earth; and, I trust,
will make heaven the sweeter. Formerly, when I was thus exposed to cold,
rain, &c. I was ready to please myself with the thoughts of enjoying
a comfortable house, a warm fire, and other outward comforts; but now these
have less place in my heart, (through the grace of God,) and my eye is
more to God for comfort. In this world I expect tribulation; and it does
not now, as formerly, appear strange to me. I do not in such seasons of
difficulty flatter myself that it will be better hereafter; but rather
think, how much worse it might be; how much greater trials others
of God’s children have endured; and how much greater are yet perhaps
reserved for me. Blessed be God, that he makes the thoughts of my journey’s
end and of my dissolution a great comfort to me, under my sharpest trials;
and scarce ever lets these thoughts be attended with terror or melancholy;
but they are attended frequently with great joy.
“Friday,
Nov.
23. Visited a sick man; discoursed and prayed with him. Then visited another
house, where was one dead and laid out; looked on the corpse, and longed
that my time might come to depart, that I might be with Christ.
Then went home to my lodgings, about one o’clock. Felt poorly; but was
able to read most of the afternoon.”
*
On this day he concluded his Narrative addressed to Mr. Pemberton.
PART
VI.A.D.
1744, 1745. ÆT. 27, 28.353
Within
the space of the next twelve days he passed under many changes in
the frames and exercises of his mind. He had many seasons of the special
influences of God’s Spirit, animating, invigorating, and comforting him
in the ways of God and the duties of religion: but had some turns of great
dejection and melancholy. He spent much time, within this space, in hard
labour, with others, to make for himself a little cottage or hut, to live
in by himself through the winter. Yet he frequently preached to the Indians,
and speaks of special assistance he had from time to time, in addressing
himself to them; and of his sometimes having considerable encouragement,
from the attention they gave. But on Tuesday, December 4, he was
sunk into great discouragement, to see most of them going in company to
an idolatrous feast and dance, after he had taken abundant
pains to dissuade them from these things.
“Thursday.
Dec.
6. Having now a happy opportunity of being retired in a house of my own,
which I have lately procured and moved into, and considering that it is
now a long time since I have been able, either on account of bodily weakness,
or for want of retirement, or some other difficulty, to spend any time
in secret fasting and prayer; considering also the greatness of my work,
and the extreme difficulties that attend it; and that my poor Indians are
now worshipping devils, notwithstanding all the pains I have taken
with them, which almost overwhelms my spirit; moreover, considering my
extreme barrenness, spiritual deadness and dejection, of late; as also
the power of some particular corruptions; I set apart this day for secret
prayer and fasting, to implore the blessing of God on myself, on my poor
people, on my friends, and on the church of God. At first I felt a great
backwardness to the duties of the day, on account of the seeming impossibility
of performing them; but the Lord helped me to break through this difficulty.
God was pleased, by the use of means, to give me some clear conviction
of my sinfulness, and a discovery of the plague of my own heart,
more affecting than what I have of late had. And especially I saw my sinfulness
in this, that when God had withdrawn himself, then, instead of living
and dying in pursuit of him, I have been disposed to one of these
two things; either, first, to yield an unbecoming respect to some
earthly objects, as if happiness were to be derived from them; or,
secondly, to be secretly forward and impatient, and unsuitably
desirous of death, so that I have sometimes thought I could not
bear to think my life must be lengthened out. And that which often drove
me to this impatient desire of death, was a despair of doing any good in
life; and I chose death, rather than a life spent for nothing. But now
God made me sensible of my sin in these things, and enabled me to cry to
him for forgiveness. Yet this was not all I wanted; for my soul
appeared exceedingly polluted, my heart seemed like a nest of vipers, or
a cage of unclean and hateful birds: and therefore I wanted to be purified
‘by the blood of sprinkling, that cleanseth from all sin.’ And this, I
hope, I was enabled to pray for in faith. I enjoyed much more intenseness,
fervency, and spirituality, than I expected; God was better to me than
my fears. And towards night I felt my soul rejoice, that God is unchangeably
happy and glorious; that he will be glorified, whatever becomes of his
creatures. I was enabled to persevere in prayer till some time in the evening;
at which time I saw so much need of divine help, in every respect, that
I knew not how to leave off, and had forgot that I needed food. This evening
I was much assisted in meditating on Isa. lii. 3. ‘For thus saith the Lord,
Ye have sold yourselves for nought,’ &c. Blessed be the Lord for any
help in the past day.