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Handy word and phrases for describing the indescribable, also follies, trauma and one or two syndromes |
Some things need fringedwelling, but don't need an entire page to themselves. They can be found here
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To prevent the kippleisation of the entire site, pointless anecdotes about mice and the Russian Secret Service live here |
The CLARK GABLE DEFENCE- Winning a debate by the least likely but most convincing argument, such as not being able to date Clark Gable because he has bad breath and can't dance.
The DEAD TYPES- Levels of television deadness
Type One- actual death, dead, whacked dead, permanent and unchanging, mainly the preserve of incidental characters in 'Star Trek'
Type Two- dead but coming back in a different hat, the character is gone, but that only allows the actor to get re-employed. Brian Thompson is very good at this, as is most of the Vancouver rep
Type Three- 'Fitzcairn Dead', the character dies, but returns in flashbacks and dream sequences so often that you don't really know they've gone. Happens a lot in 'Highlander'. Roger Daltrey, Peter Hudson, and Valentine Pelka all appear more after they've been killed off, also covers people who come back as ghosts, like Fraser's dad in 'Due South'
Type Four- Darla resurrected, they are actually dead but return by magical means, sarcophagi, etc.
Type Five- 'CSM Dead' everyone thinks they are, but they aren't really. Otherwise known as being on a dead break
Type Six- Vampire dead, zombie dead, where it's more just a state of mind
Type Seven- Immortal dead, which is just immortus interruptus and mostly an inconvenience
Many people, such as Apophis and Darla either move from one type or another, or can be two types at the same time.
DUMB KENT STATEMENT- Named for the family that are better at making utterly, utterly stupid remarks than any other, on TV or off. The definitive Dumb Kent statement is Martha's "A juvenile cell? That's no place for a child."
FOLLIES AND TRAUMA- From Anthony De Longis, describing "towel follies" in 'Duende'. Trauma is the same thing, but a bit more worrying.
FUNNEL PEOPLE- Thanks to Sam Seaborn and the West Wing for this one, the funnel people are those dangerously obsessive and unbalanced people who find themselves funneled into Washington where Sam has to deal with them. After a brief and enthusiastic discussion of the zinc content of the penny, Sam reluctantly admits that he too is one of the funnel people. As are we all
The GAY SEX AVALANCHE SCALE/GSA- The definitive scale of Lex/Clark gayness, and one that goes all the way up to eleven. Devised by Izzie, with support from Diminuendo, the scale is used to measure the exact gayness factor of any given scene of Smallville. The complete scale is available on the mailing list
HATTLE- Spike used the phrase "all Hat and no Cattle", Izzie asked an innocent question and all hell broke loose.
Theories were posited, minions were instructed, grown women were driven to tears. There was maths, historical analysis and a suggestion of incipient terrorism. All we came up with was this:
The phrase "All hat and no cattle" indicates a phenomena in which cattle existence is inversely proportional to hat ownership. The effects may vary according to the type of hat. It could depend upon the breed of cattle, and farmers are probably particularly to blame.
In short, hattle refers to any conversation that gets out of hand. (common usage - "it's hattle all over again") This happens a lot.
H.M.Q.- Stands for 'Honorary Methos Quote'. "The truth, the half truth and nothing like the truth" for example (from 'Call My Bluff'), or pretty much anything said by Timothy Dalton in 'The Lion In Winter'.
IVANHOE MOMENTS- That sudden "ah-ha!" when you finally remember something, named after the show that we finally realised we'd seen Valentine Pelka in before. Usually follows a Mr. Pink Moment ("****ing tortured now"). Conrad Veidt gets a special mention for giving Lizard and Diminuendo possibly the world's only German Expressionist Ivanhoe moment.
The LANCE HENRIKSEN LOOP- A strange sideline of 'Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon'. We were actually trying to work out how tall James Marsters by finding out who he'd stood next to (and who they stood next to) until we got to someone who we'd actually met, and could therefore verify the height of. Unfortunately, every line we took through sci-fi programming eventually led to Lance Henriksen, even when we started with him in the first place, and we ended up in an inescapable loop of Lance Henriksen-ness.
LIBRARIAN FOLLIES- "A completely irrational attraction to the non-designated lust object" Huge thanks to Perri for providing us with that beautifully concise definition, much more impressive than our efforts below...
A Librarian Folly is the classification of the attraction you feel for somebody who you would choose over far more conventionally attractive people, or more specifically, the people the producers have decided are the attractive ones. An example of a Librarian Folly would be to choose Giles over Angel or Xander. However, this is an extremely fluid definition, depending on what you personally define as conventionally attractive and what personal qualities would usually detract from a person’s attractiveness. Also, a Librarian Folly must be chosen from a group of people that are usually thought of together. For example, we do not consider Chow Yun Fat a Librarian Folly in and of himself, but the fact that Tobin fancies him in 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' where he’s speaking a foreign language, has a naff haircut, wears a dress and is competing against Chang Chen does make him a Librarian Folly. Other Librarian Follies are Bert Myers in 'Raven' (very disturbing due to him being short, bald, German and still attractive) and Josh Lyman in 'The West Wing', who is cute in his own right, but is also standing next to Rob Lowe and therefore very much a folly.
Arriving at our definition was not at all easy and included many interim definitions (including, memorably, one from Bitca that actually excluded Giles) and several bizarre side discussions. Some of the best attempts at definitions are under "Defining The Folly" in the Kipple section of this page, which also has a brief discussion on the over-restoration of artifacts.
Also see the CONTRA-LIBRARIAN FOLLY on the Smallville Season One page
LITTLE INDIAN STORIES- Those little stories that Chakotay tells on Voyager, usually to explain the episode title, like the fox and the scorpion in 'Scorpion'.
The MAN WHO LOOKS NOTHING LIKE NICHOLAS LEA- His name is actually Mark Keily, he was in Voyager, 'Non Sequitur' and Vengeance Unlimited. He really does look nothing like Nicholas Lea, but in a strange kind of way, so that when you first see him, you think "Gosh, he looks like Nicholas Lea" but then he turns, or you catch him in a different light and you think "No, he really doesn't" actually he looks nothing like Nicholas Lea at all. Special mention here needs to go to Christian Kane, who looks quite a lot like Mark Keily, making him a man who strongly resembles the man who looks nothing like Nicholas Lea. On a related note, Al Pacino in 'The Godfather' actually looks nothing like Al Pacino, despite quite clearly being Al Pacino, although he sounds exactly like Al Pacino, which is kind of weird.
The MICHAEL ROSENBAUM/ROSEMARY'S BABY FRINGEDWELLER PATENT NON-PRODUCTIVE HUMOUROUS LEAN- The dramatic and totally useless contortion you perform when trying to see round a doorway (or over a massage table) on TV. This never works.
The MONKHOUSE SCENE- The Monkhouse Scene is that moment when you gasp in horror at the TV, "I was Death, Death on a horse", or "Luke, I am your father". The phase comes from Diminuendo's little black X-Files guide, where they described Alex Trebek's appearance in 'Jose Chung's From Outer Space' as being like "the sudden entrance of Bob Monkhouse". After much thought, we couldn't think of anything more shocking and surprising (not to mention horrifying) than the sudden appearance of Bob Monkhouse in an episode of the X-Files, (or frankly, in anything) and a definition was born.
MOMENT OF SEARING EYE CONTACT (TM)- That, well, moment of searing eye contact, usually just before someone gets beheaded in Highlander. This is often the moment when that final, threatening pun is inserted.
PLOT-HOLING- Taking a plot to pieces to try and work out motivations, inconsistencies or other problems, or to use what happens to prove a point about a character. Used for writing original fiction as well as deconstructing other peoples.
POINT-AND-LOON- Used when you get a totally, manically insane villain, you point at the screen and cry "loon! loon!" in a quivering voice. It's a fun, but bad habit to get into, especially when you find yourself doing it in the cinema, and you'll never be able to watch "On Golden Pond" again.
PPGSS (Proto Pseudo Gary Sinise Syndrome)- Otherwise known as Tom Hanks Fear. The state when the film you really, really want to see stars the wonderful Gary Sinise, but also stars Tom Hanks, whom you loathe too much to even see on a movie screen , let alone sit through an entire film. This would just be Gary Sinise Syndrome, but to be fair, Gary Sinise isn't the problem so it is only a Pseudo Gary Sinise Syndrome. And in fact, the Tom Hanks fear was there long before the sufferer (Diminuendo in this case) had even heard of Gary Sinise, therefore the Tom Hanks fear must be the first form of this and hence a Proto Pseudo Gary Sinise Syndrome.
ROS AND GUIL- Short name for Tom Stoppard's 'Rosencrantz And Guildenstern Are Dead', the alternative version of Hamlet. It's the source of a huge number of Fringedweller quotes, from "You'd wake up dead for a start, and then where would you be, aside from in a box" to "You would think that this would fall faster than this. And you'd be absolutely right". Also responsible for the game of question tennis, and the occasional triumphant call of 'Statement!' for no obvious reason.
A SAM AND JOSH OPERATION- "No flammable liquids of any kind to start a fire," "Found it" "What?" "Kerosene". Also applicable when any two fringedwellers attempt home improvement (or in Diminuendo and Lizard's case, attempt to change a lightbulb and end up blowing the electric for the entire flat, particularly impressive since some of it is on a totally unconnected ring main). Also the Sam And Josh Calamitous F***k Up Scale for measuring the success (or lack) of above.
The TOBINOMETER- See Tobinometer, Sad Demise Of in the Kipple section
TOBY'S INVISIBLE WALL- Named for the incomparable Toby Ziegler from 'The West Wing'. It's when a thought hits you so hard you stop dead in your tracks. Very familiar to any writer who paces whilst plot-holing.
TRIPLE 'S' / SEVERAL SPECIES SYNDROME- When something is exactly what it says it is, and you're still shocked. For example, at the end of 'Eating Raoul' when they actually eat Raoul. Or during 'The Game', where they tell you it's a game, the film is called 'The Game', at the end you find out it's all a game and you're still surprised. Named after a Pink Floyd track on 'Ummagumma' called 'Several Species of Small Furry Animal Gathered Together in a Cave and Grooving With a Pict' which sounds like, well, several species of small furry animal gathered together in a cave and grooving. With a Pict.
"TURNED PURPLE AND FELL OFF IT'S HORSE"- When a show or book that's been really good so far, suddenly collapses and dies at the end, or has a totally nonsensical or cop-out ending. From the ending of 'Ivanhoe' when Brian de Bois Gilbert dies of emotional turmoil by turning purple and falling off his horse. Remember though, 'Ivanhoe' itself has an excellent ending, and doesn't turn purple and fall off it's horse at all.
RIO BRAVO'D- That thing women do that makes men collapse in an uncomprehending heap, when they make remarks that men's inferior brains simply can't process. Named for Angie Dickinson in 'Rio Bravo' who very nearly makes John Wayne cry. Buffy does it superbly to Angel once or twice ("Am I around too much or not enough?" "Yes") and special mention must go to Worf who actually Rio Bravos a woman (Ezri) in DS9 ("You seduced me" "I seduced you?" "At least we agree on something").
The SRI-LANKA THING- Generally, naked men in hats, also used to describe a totally self-evident remark. Comes from watching Craig Doyle in Sri Lanka on 'The Holiday Programme', a friend remarked that she could really be quite happy with Craig Doyle in Sri-Lanka, Diminuendo decided she would rather have Nic Lea, especially if he had came with the hat (from 'Money No Object', she has something of a fetish for men in hats) cue self evident remark "God, you wouldn't care if the only damn thing he had on was that hat" to which the only answer would be, no, no I really wouldn't.
The ST. VALENTINES DAY MASSACRE- It’s Valentine’s Day 2000, a day celebrating true love and togetherness for couples across the world. Except for the poor Fringedwellers, who were unaccountably single. Tradition has it that young women who are alone on this day must be miserable, watch romantic films in darkened rooms and make tear-stained diary entries.
Sod that. Reveling in our lack of male burdens, we chose to spend this night watching gory action films, making poor puns and eating as much junk food as possible before catching the late showing of Dogma in Aberystwyth’s tiny cinema.WEEBLE GENE- For those people who just can't, or won't, die (Daniel takes a bow). Cause Weebles wobble but they don't fall down.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN FLASH GORDON APPROACHING?"- Again used for a totally self evident remark, or more accurately a really dumb question. Also proof that fringedwellers make very poor henchmen, we would have to answer back. "Well, there's this guy, Flash Gordon, and he's you know, coming closer..."
WOLF LOGIC- " 'If I can't blow it down,' Wolf said, 'I'll have to blow it up instead' " That's Wolf Logic. Much practiced by Teal'c.
The 'YES MA'AM' LINE- From 'Voyager'' when someone is on the titles and therefore must be in the episode, but have no actual function in the plot. They just nod and say "Yes Ma'am" at some point. Used for any inconsequential line (or scene) added just so the actor can get paid. Witness Spike in most of season five of 'Buffy'. Also quite a lot of season six.
YIPPIE-KI-AITY- That certain something that some men have. It's Amanda's phrase originally, "Well yippie-ki-ay, the rodeo's in town..." as usual, taken by fringedwellers and twisted for their own means. Much easier to pronounce than it is to spell.
STAR TREK- VOYAGER; Bride Of Chaotica
STAR TREK- DEEP SPACE NINE; Our Man Bashir
The CLOG-DANCING MICE- Who started this whole damn thing. Very serious episode of the X-Files, until Mulder asked Scully where someone had gone and she called "There, right there..." we all burst into song (except Lizard who just started at us as if we were insane). From then on all snide remarks at the TV were blamed on the mouse. So this whole website is technically the mouse's fault.
ABERYSTWYTH CO-OP AND THE SECRET EXPERIMENTAL RUSSIAN MEMORY WIPING DEVICE (ALSO MOUSE RELATED)- Aberystwyth Co-Op is a dangerous place. Installed over the doorway is a secret device, designed to remove anything that you are actively trying to remember. This means that whenever you go into the Co-Op to buy one specific thing, you can spend as much as you like and will come out with everything but the one thing you went in for. This is obviously part of some experimental plot by the Russians to change and alter peoples memories with out them ever knowing. Aberystwyth might seem an unlikely place for these experiments, but that only makes their presence more plausible. After all, what better place to put a device like that than in the middle of Wales, acting on a bunch of students? Who would ever believe them if they complained? And they have the perfect captive audience, since no self-respecting student is going to walk down to Safeways and then all the way back up Penglais Hill just to do their shopping.
MOUSE EXTENSION OF THE ABOVE THEORY- The device is situated over the automatic doors and is operated by a crack team of highly trained Dutch intelligence mice (all mice are Dutch). They are similar mice to those that operate the doors on Babylon 5, allowing the doors to open and close so that strategically important conversations can be overheard and therefore further the plot. The Russian presence is maintained by a rat leader who organises the Dutch mercenary mice.
BURT LANCASTER- BOMBING OR CIVILIAN AID?- The man has a jaw that could crack concrete, he could be dropped from a great height in war time and destroy entire cities. But then, surely if Burt Lancaster was being dropped from the sky that would count as civilian aid?
DEFINING THE FOLLY- Librarian follies are a hard thing to define, these are some of our more (or less) successful attempts, and one or two impressive Angel jibes as well.
25/10/00
Diminuendo : okay, try this, I need a short working definition of a librarian folly for the websiteTobin : Ooh. How long have I got?
Diminuendo : Time or linespace?
Tobin : Both.
Diminuendo : Not much and three or four, the problem is, I can use the Prom thing as an example, but how does it translate to other things?
Tobin : What have you got so far?
Diminuendo : Well, I know it's going for the wildly attractive older man, which gives us Giles, and Jack O'Neill and technically Adrian as well, but older than what, is it actually an age thing, or is it just the elder of two (or more) available fantasy men?
Tobin : Who is Jack O'Neill?
Diminuendo : Stargate boy
Tobin : Oh.
Diminuendo : The one whom I find wildly physically attractive but refuse to fancy as he reminds me of my dad
Tobin : It's a charisma thing that only the older man has that makes him wildly attractive.
Diminuendo : Yeah, but I think it needs to be in comparison to an Angel/Xander or whatever
Diminuendo : But would you think of Adrian as a librarian folly?
Tobin : No. I just don't think of him in that way.
Diminuendo : Yet, you are going for the older (kind of) man, when there are Peters and Stans about, or is Methos the librarian folly.... these are the things that need clarifying
Tobin : Depends if you fancy Peter or Methos, doesn't it? And it goes back to the charisma thing. While Giles has it, Mac doesn't.
Diminuendo : Definitely true, that is just a physical thing isn't it, God you don't think the librarian folly could be down to personality do you?
Tobin : It seems to be going that way, but there must be something more. An intellectual appreciation that goes above the physical?
Diminuendo : NO NO NOOOO........... BEYOND the physical? God forbid
Tobin : Oh dear.
Diminuendo : What, what did I say...
Tobin : Alright, now we've gone around in circles, what are we left with? A librarian folly is...
Diminuendo : Okay, older man definitely involved, in direct preference to a younger and superficially more attractive one?
Tobin : Yes, that I'd agree with. But what makes you fancy the wrinkly? By the way, I think I've discovered another reason to add to your list of why you don't like Roswell.
Diminuendo : What, other than it being teen angst tripe? Sorry
Tobin : It stars Son of Hanks! Tobin : The Anti-Christ!
Diminuendo : Aiiiiiieeeeeeeeee
Diminuendo : And death, that must be a record
Tobin : Huh?
Diminuendo : The man with no tan, (William Sadler played death in a Bill and Ted movie and has been stuck with it ever since)
Tobin : Really? That was him?
Diminuendo : Yeah, William Sadler is often referred to by Lizard as "the man with no tan, with a tan" I prefer his name, it's a little more compact)
Diminuendo : Any way, the anti christ?
Tobin : What about him?
Diminuendo : Phrases you never hear in casual conversation number 231.. and you mentioned him
Tobin : Oh, yeah. Well, apparently the Son of Hanks is continuing his father's plans for world domination by taking over the teen angst tripe TV market.
Diminuendo : I will repeat the aiiiiiiieeeeeeee of before, possibly followed with an eewwwwwwwww
Tobin : I hear your eewwwwwww and raise you a yuuuuch.
Diminuendo : You, know, there are many things I like about Cathy, but I think her teaching me how to go eewwwwwwww properly is probably the one I'm most grateful for, it just comes in so handy
Tobin : She does do that drawl thing really well, doesn't she?
Diminuendo : Oh definitely, I used the expression on the phone to Lizard last night, and it just covers a multitude of emotions
Tobin : Lizard has a mobile phone. Does the world seem off-kilter to you?
Diminuendo : I know, that threw me to, I am the only person I know not to own one
Tobin : That makes you a rarity. Perhaps you should be in some sort of museum or something.
Diminuendo : But then I often feel like that, I'm a dying breed
Tobin : Tell me about it, the way your back...does whatever it does.
Diminuendo : That's a strange recessive thing that has been removed from the rest of the population
Tobin : Never breed, Di.
Diminuendo : Chance would be a fine thing..... This is why I'm drawn to tall, slender men with excellent posture
Tobin : Ah. Which brings us back, quite neatly, I feel, to the librarian folly problem.
Diminuendo : Of course
Tobin : Well, go on, it's your phrase...
Diminuendo : I do feel that there should be something essentially folly-ish about the whole thing,
Tobin : Well, the whole being in a room with Angel and Giles and making a play for Giles does sound like a follyish thing to me.
Diminuendo : Well you would think that, but then you're drawn to the kind of men you usually only see in a display case surrounded by rocks and a dead tiger...
Tobin : Fair enough, I ran headfirst into that one. But I'm not alone.
Diminuendo : It's an overly refined population trying to put that thug gene back. I'm sorry, but you were mean to Giles, I have to bite back. So to speak
Tobin : Understandable. but I wasn't mean to Giles, I do fancy him too. It's just that he's .....a librarian folly.
Diminuendo : Exactly, although try and catch VR-5 on sci-fi if you can (Monday and Thursday I think) when he was a little younger and had truly gorgeous hair... Maybe this is the key, it's someone who's quite cute now, versus someone who was truly fabulous looking ten years ago
Tobin : You mean, they have a patina of sexiness?
Diminuendo : I was thinking more the other way around, they have a patina of age over good looks, like digging up a bit of Roman glass That's either incredibly flattering or really insulting, I can't decide which
Tobin : Ooh, and the patina only enhances the natural good looks.
Diminuendo : I can actually hear you saying that ooh, you know what I mean, it might not be screamingly obvious, but you get the feeling that the work would be worth the effort cleaning it up (to use an archaeology metaphor)
Tobin : Yeah, but you don't want to clean it up too much. You might take the patina away.
Diminuendo : Over restoration, very bad thing, much practiced by the Victorians
Tobin : I don't like the Victorians very much.
Diminuendo : Nobody likes the Victorians, they ruined a lot of very good furniture
Tobin : And history, they ruined a lot of that as well.
Diminuendo : Exactly, make it too clean and you lose all the charm
Diminuendo : I have visions of Giles and mud now
Tobin : Bad or good thing?
Diminuendo : Well, I have my bucket of hot soapy water and a sponge, you decide...
Tobin : Have you finished with Russell Crowe?
Diminuendo : Much as it pains me to say it, for Giles, he can wait
Tobin : Ah. The librarian folly doesn't win over the Roman guy?
Diminuendo : No, you miss read the punctuation, Russell Crowe can wait till I'm done with the librarian
Tobin : Ah, sorry. I've got you now. Can I play with Russell?
Diminuendo : Yeah, but I know what kind of condition he's in at the moment, I expect him returned the same or better
Tobin : Spoilsport.
Diminuendo : Well, I don't want him run down or anything, see if you can do something to improve on what you've already got...
Tobin : Improve?
Diminuendo : I'm sure you'll think of something
Diminuendo : Now tell me you wish you didn't have a fantasy life...
15/11/00
Tobin : More film news, Rupert Everett is being let loose in another Wilde adaptation for film. This time it's with Judi Dench in The Importance of Being Earnest.
Diminuendo : Hmm, thin ice there
Tobin : Hey, I don't care what the film's like, I just want to see him in Victorian dress again.
Diminuendo : Fair enough, mercenary physical attraction, I can deal with that
Tobin : Completely. The fact that he's a very happy homosexual doesn't even enter the equation.
Diminuendo : No way, but the question remains, is he a Librarian Folly? (who was looking particularly sexy again last week, in the black turtleneck)
Tobin : No.
Diminuendo : So gay isn't a factor?
Tobin : Maybe...it just feels wrong to put him into the LF category. Don't ask me why, my hormones are talking.
Diminuendo : Hmm, sorry, but I was trying to write the definition for this again the other day, and I just can't seem to get it straight, either we need an absolute upper age limit, or it's simply going for the other man in the presence of somebody younger and much more suitable, which takes us into allsorts of dangerous places
Diminuendo : And causes terrible Burt Lancaster confusion
Tobin : This is the crux of the matter, isn't it?
Diminuendo : Burt Lancaster frequently is. But if it's just going for the older of two choices, then technically that make certainly Adrian and also Peter Librarian Follies
Tobin : Perhaps it could be that it's the older of the two choices by a significant margin?
Diminuendo : So what, Stan at 24 and Adrian at nearly 40 isn't significant enough?
Tobin : I was thinking more along the lines of this: imagine Xander, Wesley and Giles standing in a line. Now, if you fancy Wesley instead of Xander, that doesn't make him a folly, although he must be in his thirties and Xander about nineteen. In that sense, Wes isn't folly material. Yet if you fancy Giles over Xander, then that is one. With me so far?
Diminuendo : Yes, except Wesley's 26, as is ah, so this is a CHARACTER thing?
Tobin : Yup
Diminuendo : Oh, so um Methos?
Tobin : The Original Librarian Folly.
Diminuendo : And, technically a librarian (or a research historian, which amounts to the same thing)
Tobin : Indeedd.
Tobin : Sorry, I o-d'd.
Diminuendo : And punned terribly
Tobin : Is it possible to pun well?
Diminuendo : No, but that was pushing the boundaries of good taste,
Tobin : Always the rebel.
Diminuendo : But then Angel's a folly...(or a flash of temporary insanity..)
Tobin : Oh God...
Diminuendo : Get out of that one
Tobin : But he can't be a folly because he's supposed to be the guy we all fancy (alright, I know you don't but just accept that you're in the minority here, Ok?), and a LF is the bloke that it doesn't make sense to fancy. Age is usually the defining characteristic for us because we're 21.
Diminuendo : So, it's lack of writer intent that makes a folly?
Tobin : I think so. It's the sheer essence of the character that shines through despite the writers, not because of them.
Diminuendo : That or just the way the actors look in a suit. So does that make Wes a folly?
Tobin : That also has an impact. Perhaps we could have two categories of folly? An older folly and a younger folly?
Diminuendo : But then, (to totally throw you with some SG-1 stuff) Jack O'Neill is definitely a folly, cause he's like 50, yet he's the only one to have any kind of sex life at all, and is quite clearly the fanciable hero
Tobin : The problem is here is that we're trying to explain the unexplainable. People that will visit the site should be Fringedweller in nature, so should grasp the basic concept of a LF. Sub-categorising can come later.
Diminuendo : It is just confusing, and then you add Ethans and so on to the mix...
Tobin : No, you add Ethan.
Diminuendo : If only. You really don't get that at all do you? Not even in an "I don't see it myself but I can understand" kind of way
Tobin : Nope. Sorry. Not even the biceps could convince me.
Diminuendo : But they were gorgeous biceps, and he has really nice legs as well
Tobin : Sorry.
Diminuendo : I should forward you the pictures...
Tobin : No need.
Diminuendo : I also have pictures of Tony Head doing the Rocky Horror show, in make up and tights
Tobin : Do you want to give me nightmares?
Diminuendo : That wasn't what I had in mind...
Tobin : Each very much to her own, I think.
Diminuendo : And if I got the chance, you wouldn't get a look in
Tobin : Fair enough.
Diminuendo : Sticking with Neanderthal man?
Tobin : At least this way we won't argue.
Diminuendo : Variety breeds content
Tobin : Only if she forgets to take the pill.
Diminuendo : On Giles matters (as we are) did you notice how in "Harsh Light of Day" poor Giles is the only member of the entire cast who doesn't get to have sex in the long montage sequence? I felt this was unfair
Tobin : But who is there for him to have sex with?
Diminuendo : They found someone for everybody else
Tobin : Yes, but they are all on the young side of thirty.
Diminuendo : Yes, but not nearly as attractive. Or with such an impressive record collection
Tobin : Granted, but if you sleep with Giles then you have to either die horribly (Jenny) or fade into obscurity (Olivia and Buffy's Mum)
Diminuendo : Yes, but you get to have sex with Giles
Tobin : Then die horribly or fade into obscurity. In fact, Jenny didn't even sleep with him.
Diminuendo : Yes, but AFTER having sex with Giles
POPE YUCCA I- We were arranging our annual Fringedweller St Valentines Day massacre and...just read the conversation, straight from the internet messaging service.
Tobin : Speaking of holidays, any chance you could wangle getting Valentine's Day off?Diminuendo : is that an offer?
Tobin : I thought that the Second Annual Fringedweller Valentine's Day Massacre might be held at Aber. I'd arrange accommodation.
Diminuendo : I will do my absolute damndest to see if it can be done,
Diminuendo : although thinking about it, if we could have a Valentine-ish massacre at the weekend, then I'd only have to take one day off work
Tobin : Ok, that works for me just as well as the day itself. We'll just rearrange the calendar.
Diminuendo : Saint's Days are fairly arbitrary anyway, perhaps we could write to the pope and campaign to have it moved
Tobin : We might get the Pope on board, but we'd really have some campaigning to do if we wanted to convince Hallmark.
Diminuendo : you think Hallmark is an easier mark the the Pope? we could get round them easily, by promoting the Valentines Day-ish massacre as a whole new, non-denominational festival, needing an entirely new range of cards and gift wrap
Tobin : Yeah, but the Pope must be senile by now.
Diminuendo : then we'll just cut him out of the loop
Tobin : You mean just go straight for Hallmark?
Diminuendo : definitely, and possibly Clintons
Tobin : Hmm, do we want to have Valentine's Day AND the Massacre Day, or change Valentine's into the Massacre?
Diminuendo : not sure, I think possibly change
Tobin : Then we would, ultimately, need the Pope, just to get the Catholic sector of the market.
Diminuendo : there's no way round it, we will have to convince him, or possibly replace him with a plant
Tobin : Yucca?
Diminuendo : cacti are very suggestible
Tobin : Do you think anyone would notice?
Diminuendo : as long as it could wave in a stiff breeze and look good on a balcony...
Tobin : But could it kiss the tarmac of international airports?
Diminuendo : that would take some doing, it might not be able to pick itself up
Tobin : So we'd need a plant with tentacles then.
Diminuendo : and some basic motor functions
Diminuendo : Venus Fly Trap?
Tobin : Good, but what if it gets peckish? We don't want archbishops getting nibbled.
Diminuendo : frankly, if any archbishop looks that insectoid that the replacement pope want's to eat him, then he's probably better off out of the clergy
Tobin : take a minute and read that sentence back to yourself, would you?
Diminuendo : there shouldn't be an apostrophe in "wants" Sorry
Tobin : You know, probably for the first time ever, grammar wasn't what I was aiming for....
Diminuendo : the missing space?
Tobin : I'm so glad I met you, I really am.
Diminuendo : frankly, after some of the plans I've made, replacing the pope with cacti seems normal
Tobin : Perhaps, if the waving and the lips is all that's needed, we could send them a surplus Royal?
Diminuendo : as we have several
Tobin : Who would you want to be Pope?
Diminuendo : I'm voting for the yucca plant, it would probably do the least damage
Tobin : Pope Yucca I? That would be interesting, but easy to assassinate. One bottle of weedkiller and the holy hotline to God is nothing more than garden rubbish to burn.
REASONS WHY ANGEL CAN STILL HAVE SEX- Collected from a wide selection of fan-fic.
The ROBERT YOUNG CONVERSATION, OR HOW TO MELT YOUR FRIEND’S BRAIN-To understand the true hilariousness of the situation, first you have to know something about Diminuendo and Lizard. These girls have known each other for a long time. They went through school and university together. They’ve read the same books, watched the same films, they have many mutual interests. They have their own personal shorthand version of the English language that draws on this history that is nearly incomprehensible to the uninitiated. Films, books, sports events and moments from their past are referenced at a blinding speed. An outsider witnessing this language can only be amazed at the depth of mutual understanding between them.
So, when this amazing, complicated mental synchronicity breaks down completely it leaves chaos and actual painful hilarity in its place.
The most memorable incidence of this complete failure to understand where the other was coming from is forever known in Fringedweller lore as the Robert Young Conversation. An innocent question regarding the name of a potential Sachet Men candidate during the trailers for 'Galaxy Quest' led to the actual melting of brain cells of poor, innocent cinemagoers in a six person radius of the Fringedwellers.
SACHET MEN- (From Tobin) Sadly, this one is pretty much my fault. The massacre had started, and we were watching Michael Biehn in Alien. Diminuendo praised the invention of the remote control rewind function, as it let men repeat actions instantaneously that would, in reality, need at least twenty minutes recuperation time. It was my offhand estimation that Michael Biehn would only need five minutes. On being asked how I knew, I told her that he was stashed in the top of my wardrobe. (I don’t know why I said it, it just sounded like a thing I should say at that point. That happens to me a lot.) This led to a discussion about the logistics of keeping a grown man in your wardrobe, until my saturated-fat ridden brain proposed a system of freeze-dried men that could be stored in a cupboard, draw or shoebox in sachets, until mixed with water whereupon they turned into living, breathing fully functional men. Even better, after three days they crumble into a fine powder that is easily swept up or vacuumed away. Sounds like a good idea, right? Then how about this - all your favourite TV, film, music and sports stars available in freeze-dried granules?
Sachet Men fall into certain categories. Sachet Men Gold – men who were famous in the 1940s or earlier. Sachet Men Classic – men from the 1950s to the 1980s. Sachet Men – men from 1980 to the present day. (For some men, an extra Heterosexual Sachet is necessary. Please read label on sachet for application details. You want them hetero, but not too hetero. Too much could turn them into real Alpha Male types who should be avoided at all costs because you spend all your time laughing at them and won’t get anything done.) Plus, think of all the optional extras. Do you hate housework? Is the washing-up threatening to take over the kitchen? Do you want Peter Wingfield to do it? Then simply add the Housework Talent Sachet to the mix and all you have to do is watch. Or not, as the mood takes you. There are thousands of Talent Sachets available – Brad Pitt could rewire your house, Russell Crowe could tune your piano, it’s really up to you. Buy clothing for your Sachet Man! If you want to take him outside, you should really put some clothes on him because of those pesky public indecency laws. If you have a Gold man, get the 1940s look with a decent hat. Want a lumberjack? Buy him a flannel shirt. The possibilities are endless. Most men have a default age of thirty, but do you want to take a few years off a man, or age him up a bit? Add the appropriate Age Sachet and away you go! Sachet Men make ideal gifts! Buy a Genre Variety Pack, or pick and mix! I should stop now. I think you get the idea.The SWAMI RANT- Lizard's infamous and extensive Swami rant
"Swami's don't hit, swamis swam,"
But are they the only ones? What is swaming? Can anyone do it? Do yo have to call in an emergency professional swaming squad is you run into trouble that you can't swam your way out of in an amateur fashion?
Can you swam without a license? If you can't there must be a regulatory body, presumably made up of uberswamis who deal out the licenses and hand down disciplines, counseling sessions and general judgement on those who swam under the influence, or without due care and attention.
Is it a secret profession? Can you put it on your business cards (Bill Johnson- Licensed to Swam)? If you could, would you want to?
If you swam professionally, do you have to live in a log cabin or sweat lodge or can you have nice urban offices with carpets and comfy chairs?
Are there underground, illegal swamis who either failed their swaming exams or violently disagree with the S.R.B. (Swaming Regulatory Body) about the direction and application of modern swaming? Are there student radical free-thinking swamis who swam in basements by the light of candles, supposedly for atmosphere but really because the electric has run out?
Is swaming lucrative? What should a swami charge for a standard swam? What is a standard swam? How can you tell? Is there a device, a swarmometer if you will, that you hold next to the swami whilst he's swaming to count off the units of swam so you can tell what you're being charged for? Is there a customer care line? Is it manned all the time or do they use psychics to ring you when you feel there is a problem? And more importantly is it freephone?
e penalties for impersonating a swami? Or do licensed swamis just send round a brute squad if you start muscling in on their territory? Or do they challenge you to a duel, swams at dawn with seconds and a referee?
Do you have to retake your swaming exams once you reach a certain age and have to reapply for your license every 2 years afterwards?
Are there retired swami homes and can they be called up in an emergency?
Is there a swami army to deal with national swaming emergencies? What constitutes a swaming emergency and what authorities do you have to alert?
Would it be covered in 'The Daily Swarm'? Are there other publications? 'Swaming through The Ages' whose loyal fanbase is campaigning fiercely to stop the name being changed to 'Swarmorama'; and 'Swaming Of Yesteryear' showing ancient swaming artifacts
Are there swarming theorists who write papers on the intricacies, minor rules and sub-branches of swaming that only other swaming theorists read and even fewer understand?
Are there roving bands of swamis offering mystical advice to the troubled and unwary? Are there cowboy swamis who come in and swarm shoddily, then leave with out doing a proper job and charge too much? Do these cowboy swamis get their licenses suspended or do they just get points on their licenses? How many points on your license do you get before it's suspended?
TOBINOMETER, SAD DEMISE OF - Gather round, gather round, and listen to the sad Tale of the Tobinometer...
Once upon a time, there was a young lady with a taste for a certain type of television men. These men were, basically, generic hero types. This young lady would only swoon when the man was tall, dark haired, impressively muscled and possessed of a certain air of, well, genericness. With an unfailing regularity she would pick out the Angel, the John Crichton, the season four and five Daniel, the more generic one from Mutant X as the people to pant over. It got to the point where, in true Fringedweller style, it was mooted that she was as consistent as some kind of device when it came to picking out the truly generic hero men.
The Tobinometer was born, a mechanical device that could scan TV men in seconds and rate their corresponding levels of genericness and attractiveness.
The Tobinometer was sound. The Tobinometer was solid. The Tobinometer was, above all else, consistent.
Then one day, one fateful day, the Tobinometer went sproing.
It was a quiet breakdown. It wasn't really picked up on at the time as more noise was made by Diminuendo about a certain Tom Welling, the world's only Contra-Librarian Folly. She was so amazed at fancying the generic male lead in a TV show that the Tobinometer's failure to identify Tom Welling went largely unnoticed. After all, he's playing a teenager and in my line of work, harbouring feelings like that for a teenager is not only morally wrong but losing-your-job kind of wrong.
The rot set in. Slowly, the Tobinometer began to wind down, not registering basic genericness and giving false readings for people that hadn't registered before. It was only when Tom Welling gave a major reading on the Tobinometer that the alarm bells rung. Then, it was too late. There was a spanner in the works. The Tobinometer had gone sproing, that kind of noise you here when something mechanical and complicated breaks in a really expensive way.
At the moment the Tobinometer is in Switzerland, being kicked and prodded by Swiss engineers sucking their breath in, shaking their heads and going "Hmm."
The young lady in question is currently enamoured of one of the Hobbits.
We are all praying for the safe return of the Tobinometer