Look below for the fantastic Benjamin Wells script, enjoy!
THE CAST
JOHN 'HANNIBAL' SMITH
GARY NUMAN
BA BARACUS AKA MR T
SNAKE ONE
TEMPLETON PECK AKA THE FACE
SNAKE TWO 'MAD DOG' MURDOCH MACGYVER
A NURSE
SIMON LE BON
A GUARD
A ROBOT
PHIL OAKEY
and KATE COPSTICK
ACT 1 SCENE 1
EXT. A LARGE HOUSE. NIGHT.
A figure makes its way towards the house, using bushes as cover. As it passes through a patch of moonlight, we can see that it is wearing a sleeveless denim jacket and has a mullet. The character is carrying a rope coiled over its shoulder, and under their other arm is an unidentifiable bundle.
The person stops beneath a darkened window. Removing something from the bundle and fixing it to one end of the rope, they then proceed to throw it onto the balcony below the window. Satisfied that the rope is secure, the figure climbs the rope and stealthily moves onto the balcony.
A ROOM. INT. NIGHT.
The person opens the window and enters the room, and the lights come on. We see the intruder's face for the first time now, from behind the heads of two characters sitting, in shadow, side by side, facing the window - it is MACGYVER. He looks with horror at those facing him, before a large man appears behind him and hits him over the head with a heavy object.
ACT 1 SCENE 2
INT. THE A-TEAM HIDEAWAY. MORNING.
MR T and HANNIBAL are sitting opposite each other at a table, eating their breakfast. HANNIBAL is reading a newspaper, which lies in front of him. MR T is scowling. FACE is visible in the background, making some toast.
HANNIBAL : Did you hear about MacGyver? Apparently, he's gone missing.
MR T : I pity the fool that messes with MacGyver.
HANNIBAL : This could be the work of Colonel Decker - he knows what a good friend MacGyver has been to us.
MR T : The Colonel is the fool - I cuss the Colonel.
HANNIBAL : Or maybe it's the Commies... they always hated MacGyver. He kept foiling their evil plans.
MR T : Damn fool Commie Nazis.
FACE brings his plate of toast to the table and sits between MR T and HANNIBAL. All three characters take a mouthful of their breakfast at the same time - FACE bites the toast, MR T scoops some of his grapefruit with his spoon, and HANNIBAL has a mouthful of his bran flakes. When each has swallowed his food, FACE speaks for the first time.
FACE : If we're off on a mission, we're gonna have to bust Murdoch out again.
MR T : Murdoch is a damn fool.
HANNIBAL : Yes, I shall devise a plan. Here is the plan.
The camera pulls back and music drowns HANNIBAL'S voice as he explains his idea to the other two men.
ACT 1 SCENE 3
EXT. THE BACK OF MR T'S HOUSE. DAY.
Three dustbins stand against a wall. The lid of one is lying upturned upon the ground. Two SNAKES can be seen playing by the bins, shouting and hitting the bins. They are making a loud din.
SNAKE ONE : That Mr T is a fool. I cuss him bad.
SNAKE TWO : You wouldn't cuss him to his face.
SNAKE ONE : I know, but I cuss him behind his fat back. He is a fat cuss.
SNAKE TWO : Stop cussing Mr T and tell me about Kiss FM last night.
SNAKE ONE : There was this dude on and he was talking about Star Wars. He said that Star Wars is cool and that it is cool to like Star Wars. I like Star Wars.
SNAKE TWO : Star Wars is for kids, man. You should read a book instead of thinking about Star Wars.
SNAKE ONE : Books are for freaks. You are a freak.
SNAKE TWO : You are wrong. I cuss you. This book is about action and adventure.
SNAKE ONE : What is the book called?
SNAKE TWO : The Hobbit. It has dragons and wizards.
SNAKE ONE : Dragons are ace, but wizards suck. They are just old dudes.
SNAKE TWO : This wizard is great.
SNAKE ONE : I bet Darth Vader could dish the beats to him big time.
SNAKE TWO : But Darth Vader is not in The Hobbit. Let's go down the bus garage and hang out with the crew.
SNAKE ONE : Yeah, the crew rules.
ACT 1 SCENE 4
EXT. HIGH SECURITY MILITARY HOSPITAL. DAY.
GUARDS patrol the entrance to the hospital. A high-ranking official enters the hospital. The camera pulls back to reveal HANNIBAL and FACE hiding in bushes opposite the hospital, peering through the shrubbery. Suddenly, the A-Team van enters the picture and races towards the hospital, skidding to a halt in front of the entrance. The GUARDS fire at the van but the bullets ricochet off it. As the GUARDS are distracted by the task at hand, HANNIBAL and FACE run into the hospital.
HANNIBAL : I love it when a plan comes together.
INT. HIGH SECURITY MILITARY HOSPITAL. DAY.
As HANNIBAL and FACE run into the hospital, a GUARD runs into their path and points his gun at them.
GUARD : Stop, capitalist pig-dogs!
HANNIBAL jumps headfirst at the guard. The camera cuts away and the next thing we see, HANNIBAL tackles the guard by falling upon him from a great height. The GUARD falls to the floor and lies unconscious. HANNIBAL gets up, dusts himself down and he and FACE run on through the corridors.
HANNIBAL : I love it when a plan comes together.
ACT 1 SCENE 5
INT. MOON BASE #64. DAY.
MACGYVER is tied to a chair inside a large, futuristic-looking room. The Earth can be seen through a window behind him. He struggles to free himself from the restraints, but is unable to do so. Presently, a door slides open and a man in a cloak and a beret steps through it. He turns to the camera and we see that he is SIMON LE BON.
SIMON LE BON : There is no use trying to escape, MacGyver. Your powers are futile against my superior knot skills.
MACGYVER : Curse you, Le Bon. Curse you and your eighties ways.
SIMON LE BON : Ah, you may mock me, but I think you'll find that I am in the dominant position. You are helpless here on the Moon.
MACGYVER : I hate you. Let me go now.
SIMON LE BON : My dear MacGyver. My poor, naïve, MacGyver. I have captured you for a reason.
MACGYVER : Tell me that reason.
SIMON LE BON : Without you around to stop me, I will be able to take over the world. By harnessing the power of the eighties, I can create a weapon with which to defeat all those who oppose me. He he he he!
MACGYVER : You will never succeed, Le Bon. As long as I live, I will see that your plans will be doomed to failure.
SIMON LE BON : You wish, MacGyver.
ACT 1 SCENE 6
INT. HIGH SECURITY MILITARY HOSPITAL. DAY.
MURDOCH lies on a bed, restrained by straps. A NURSE stands over him, about to inject something into his face.
NURSE : If you will not stop acting like an arse, Mr Murdoch, I am afraid that we will have to sedate you.
MURDOCH : NO! GET OFF!
Suddenly, HANNIBAL and FACE burst through the door. The NURSE looks up in horror, and HANNIBAL snatches the syringe from her.
NURSE : Stop, you brutes!
HANNIBAL : Leave the nice man alone. Keep quiet and no one will get hurt.
FACE : Hey baby.
HANNIBAL undoes the straps that restrain MURDOCH and he springs to his feet. He and HANNIBAL run out of the room, eventually followed, by FACE, who watches the NURSE while he jogs backwards after the other two characters. The three run back out of the hospital, until the GUARD, who has woken up, again obstructs their way.
GUARD : Halt! I kill you!
HANNIBAL punches the GUARD hard in the face, and the GUARD again falls to the floor. HANNIBAL then shakes his hand in discomfort. However, a wry smile crosses his face.
HANNIBAL : I love it when a plan comes together.
EXT. HIGH SECURITY MILITARY HOSPITAL. DAY.
The GUARDS are still firing at MR T in the A-Team van when HANNIBAL, FACE and MURDOCH run out of the hospital and race into the back of the van. They slam the doors shut and MR T drives away at high speed. The GUARDS curse and shake their fists at the retreating vehicle, but they do not pursue. HANNIBAL turns to MR T in the driver's seat.
HANNIBAL : I love it when a plan comes together.
MURDOCH is singing - he sings The Reflex by Duran Duran. The A-Team van drives into the distance to the sound of the original song. The camera pans upwards to bring the Moon, just visible in the early evening, into view.
ACT 2 SCENE 1
INT. MOON BASE #64. DAY.
MACGVYER is still tied to his chair. SIMON LE BON sits at a table eating a pie. Behind him stand two ROBOTS. SIMON LE BON speaks between mouthfuls of pie.
SIMON LE BON : With the machine I have created, the power I possess will be unequalled by anyone, anywhere!
MACGYVER : You'll never get away with it.
SIMON LE BON : Of course I will! With my allies, Phil Oakey and Gary Numan, the ridiculous potency of all that is eighties will be mine! The infernal machine that I have had constructed will make sure of that!
SIMON LE BON clicks his fingers and in walk PHIL OAKEY and GARY NUMAN, carrying between them a large box. They set it down on the table and move to beside the ROBOTS. SIMON LE BON finishes his pie, stands up, opens the box, and begins to show some of the items contained within to MACGYVER. They include a thin tie, a bandana, a yo-yo, some Babycham, and a picture of Kate Bush wearing a jacket with rolled up sleeves, a belt with a really long bit hanging down, slip-on shoes with white socks. All the while the box is open, the theme tune to Airwolf can be heard.
SIMON LE BON : Yes! You see now my might!
ACT 2 SCENE 2
INT. MOON BASE #64. DAY.
MACGYVER gasps and his eyes are open wide with fear and awful realisation. SIMON LE BON motions for one of the ROBOTS to move to the centre of the room, and he then turns the box to face it.
SIMON LE BON : Watch this!
Pressing a button on the side of the box, a beam of energy strikes the ROBOT and its head shoots vertically into the air, accompanied by a comedy sound effect. The other ROBOT rushes to the side of its fallen companion, and on seeing that it has been destroyed, looks at SIMON LE BON
ROBOT : Why I oughtta!
The ROBOT begins to approach SIMON LE BON, and PHIL OAKEY and GARY NUMAN move protectively towards their master. SIMON LE BON raises his hand to quell their fears and, once again, presses the button on the side of the box. The same fate as its partner befalls the second ROBOT.
ROBOT : Oof!
MACGYVER again struggles to release himself, and looks at the box with fear. SIMON LE BON laughs, and PHIL OAKEY and GARY NUMAN follow suit.
SIMON LE BON : Your efforts are futile, MacGyver. With this device I will be supreme ruler of the entire world!
MACGYVER : Damn your eyes, Le Bon.
SIMON LE BON : SILENCE! Now, my friends, we must prepare for our the next stage of our plan.
SIMON LE BON, PHIL OAKEY and GARY NUMAN exit, leaving MACGYVER alone. He continues to struggle as the camera closes upon his face.
ACT 3 SCENE 1
EXT. BUS GARAGE. NIGHT.
The two SNAKES are playing at the back of the bus garage, kicking an empty can to each other.
SNAKE ONE : ...And then I said, Don't mess with Fatboy Slim, man.
SNAKE TWO : Yeah, Fatboy Slim rules!
SNAKE ONE : So he tried to say that Steps were better!
SNAKE TWO : I cuss Steps!
SNAKE ONE : Steps are for suckers.
The SNAKES play on in silence. However, SNAKE ONE can be heard softly whistling Better Best Forgotten under his breath.
SNAKE TWO : What's that tune man?
SNAKE ONE : Uh, what tune?
SNAKE TWO : That tune you're whistling - it's Steps!
SNAKE ONE : No it isn't. Steps are rubbish.
SNAKE TWO : You like Steps and are whistling their song!
SNAKE ONE : Shut up! My kid sister has their CD and she plays it loud, so I probably heard it from her.
SNAKE TWO : Ha! You lie! I cuss you into the ground!
SNAKE ONE : Your mum's fat.
SNAKE TWO : Your dad's fat.
SNAKE ONE : You don't know who your dad is.
SNAKE TWO : I know who your dad is - me! I had your mum!
SNAKE ONE attacks SNAKE TWO but they are interrupted by the A-Team van as it careers towards them. MR T is livid.
MR T : That's them damn fool snakes that keep playin' round my bins!
ACT 3 SCENE 2
EXT. BUS GARAGE. NIGHT.
MR T, HANNIBAL, FACE and MURDOCH leap out of the A-Team van and confront the SNAKES. The SNAKES are paralysed by fear.
MR T : How many times have I told you suckers - stay away from my bins! You're gonna be sorry you messed with Mr T!
SNAKE TWO : Sorry Mr T sir, we didn't mean to make you angry.
MR T : But you sure did, fools!
A steaming puddle grows beneath SNAKE ONE.
SNAKE ONE : We won't do it again Mr T sir.
MR T : That's right - you ain't gonna be able to mess with no-one's bins by the time I'm finished with you.
MR T picks up the can the SNAKES were playing with and, in a shocking display of strength, crushes it in one hand.
ACT 3 SCENE 3
EXT. BUS GARAGE. NIGHT.
The SNAKES try to get away but MR T chases them, catches them, and picks one up in each hand.
SNAKE ONE : Aaaah!
SNAKE TWO : Eeeek!
MR T swings the SNAKES round his head and when he stops, they are seen to be dizzy. He then ties them together by their tails and uses them as a skipping rope.
MR T : One, two, three, four, damn fools won't touch my bins no more.
MR T then throws the SNAKES high over a fence, an action accompanied by a sound effect.
MR T : I love it when a plan comes together.
HANNIBAL scowls at MR T as they get back into the A-Team van.
ACT 4 SCENE 1
INT. THE A-TEAM HIDEAWAY. NIGHT.
HANNIBAL, MR T, FACE and MURDOCH are sitting in the living room of the A-Team hideaway, discussing MACGYVER'S disappearance.
FACE : Well, one thing's for certain - we're going to save MacGyver.
MR T : How do we do that, fool? How do we find out where he is?
HANNIBAL : All it needs is a little logical thinking. We'll go and search MacGyver's house for clues - there'll be something there.
MR T : MacGyver is a special secret guy. How we supposed to know where he lives?
FACE : Demographically speaking, MacGyver is a rare name. By looking in the telephone directory and ringing everyone with the surname MacGyver, the chances are very good that we will find our man.
HANNIBAL : Yes. Where's the phone book?
MR T : I ripped it up, showing off how strong I am.
MURDOCH : It's a good job I'm your friend. Having nothing to do last week, I spent a fruitful three days taping the pages back together.
MURDOCH produces the phone book, intact.
MR T : You're a fool, Murdoch, but I dig you.
HANNIBAL takes the directory and looks through its pages for MACGYVER.
HANNIBAL : Here we are - MACGYVER, B; MACGVYER, D; and MACGYVER, S.
FACE checks the numbers and rings each one in turn.
FACE : Is MacGyver the secret man there please? OK, sorry to have bothered you. Yes, hello. Could I possibly speak to MacGyver, the secret agent man? Oh, I'm sorry, thank you.
FACE dials the last number and there is a pause before MACGYVER'S ANSWERPHONE cuts in.
ANSWERPHONE : Sorry, but I'm not in at the moment. I may be down the shops, or I may be on a highly secret mission - we just can't say at this early stage. Anyway, if you'd like me to get back to you, leave your name and number and I'll see to it as soon as I'm free. Bye!
HANNIBAL : Damn! This phone book doesn't have addresses in it. If MacGyver's in trouble, we don't have time to wait until he gets back.
MR T : Give me that phone, Face. Murdoch - pass me your hat. And Hannibal - lend me your calculator.
HANNIBAL : I hope you know what you're doing.
MR T puts the items on the table, takes a oxyacetylene torch and a facemask from the inside of his dungarees, and begins welding the items. A-Team incidental music plays.
ACT 4 SCENE 2
INT. THE A-TEAM HIDEAWAY. NIGHT.
MR T stands back from a machine sitting upon the table. It consists of a telephone with a baseball cap balanced on top of it, on top of which a calculator is balanced in turn.
MR T : This, fools, is an address finding device. Face, tell me that phone number.
FACE : 555-6060
MR T dials the number. An address appears on the screen of the calculator.
HANNIBAL : Very impressive. 133 Secret Road, eh? I know that, it's just round the corner from the big Asda. Let's go!
HANNIBAL, MR T, FACE and MURDOCH grab their belongings from MR T'S machine, run out of the house and into the A-Team van, which races off at top speed.
ACT 4 SCENE 3
INT. MOON BASE #64. DAY.
SIMON LE BON, PHIL OAKEY and GARY NUMAN are putting the weapon into a space rocket, ready to take it to Earth.
SIMON LE BON : In only twenty-four hours, we will take this weapon to Earth, where we will be able to destroy anyone who challenges us.
SIMON LE BON, PHIL OAKEY and GARY NUMAN all laugh evilly for a long time while MACGYVER looks on.
ACT 5 SCENE 1
INT. MACGYVER'S HOUSE. NIGHT.
HANNIBAL, MR T, FACE and MURDOCH stand in MACGYVER'S kitchen looking for clues.
MURDOCH : Look guys! Wooooh!
MURDOCH has found a chef's hat and is wearing it over his baseball cap.
MR T : Stop, fool.
HANNIBAL : Stop messing around, Murdoch. We have work to do. Mr T, search the fridge.
MR T turns the fridge upside down looking for clues.
MR T : Damn fool fridge.
HANNIBAL : Face, can you see anything?
FACE : No. It's hopeless, Hannibal. There are no clues.
HANNIBAL looks around the room slowly, his eyes narrowed.
HANNIBAL : Wait! What's that?
HANNIBAL picks up a piece of paper from the table.
HANNIBAL : It's a note!
HANNIBAL reads the note aloud.
HANNIBAL : Dear A-Team, in case you come round to play and I have gone out, I have gone to Colombia to stop some bad men. I'll be back by six o'clock, so we can play then. Love, MacGyver.
HANNIBAL, MR T, FACE and MURDOCH look at a clock on the wall. It shows eleven o'clock.
FACE : He's five hours late! He must be in some danger!
HANNIBAL : You're right. We'll go to Colombia.
HANNIBAL, MR T, FACE and MURDOCH run out of the house and into the A-Team van, and again race away at top speed.
ACT 6 SCENE 1
EXT. THE PLAYGROUND. DAY.
The SNAKES are sitting on the swings.
SNAKE ONE : I'm gonna get Mr T bad. That fat chief has gone too far this time.
SNAKE TWO : Leave it, man. You saw how he cussed us up.
SNAKE ONE : He might cuss two snakes, but if we get into a gang he'll be sorry.
SNAKE TWO : But which gang can we join? The crew down the arcades always cuss us, and the bus garage crew couldn't beat Mr T.
SNAKE ONE : We'll find someone to lay the smacks on fat T's head. But let's play on the space rocket first.
The SNAKES get on the space rocket and start swinging backwards and forwards. As it goes faster and faster, smoke starts billowing from the back, and it begins to move upwards.
SNAKE ONE : Man! What's going on?
SNAKE TWO : Something's wrong with the rocket! It's come loose!
The rocket accelerates upwards, with the SNAKES screaming in terror.
SNAKE ONE : Aaaaah!
SNAKE TWO : Aaaaah!
The cries of the SNAKES become quieter as the rocket disappears into the sky. We see a close-up of the SNAKES as they travel upwards.
SNAKE TWO : It looks like we're headed for... the Moon!
SNAKE ONE : The Moon sucks, man.
ACT 6 SCENE 2
EXT. A LARGE HOUSE. DAY.
The A-Team arrive outside the same house we saw MACGYVER entering, after passing a large sign which reads: COMMUNIST SECRET DEN - NO ENTRY. HANNIBAL, MR T, FACE and MURDOCH get out of the van and, after looking up at the balcony and window MACGYVER used, open the front door of the house and go through.
INT. A LARGE HOUSE. DAY.
HANNIBAL : Well, here we are in Colombia. It's a good job we got directions from that peasant back there, otherwise we would have had no chance of finding this place.
FACE : Yes, this place in which MacGyver was interested.
MURDOCH : I wonder why he wanted to break in?
HANNIBAL, MR T, FACE and MURDOCH walk past a table upon which there is an envelope labelled SECRET COMMUNIST DOCUMENTS.
HANNIBAL : We just can't say. I guess we'll never know.
HANNIBAL, MR T, FACE and MURDOCH climb a flight of stairs and enter another room - the room in which MACGYVER was abducted.
HANNIBAL : We must search this room!
MR T : I dig you, Hannibal.
MURDOCH : Woo woo!
MR T : Shut up, fool.
After searching high and low, MR T finds a sprocket underneath a comfy chair.
MR T : Hey suckers, look what I've got.
HANNIBAL : Hmmm, it appears to be a robot component of some sort.
MURDOCH : Or possibly a piece of helicopter. Yadda yadda!
MR T : No, fool, it is off a robot.
FACE : But were would a robot come from?
HANNIBAL stands at the window, looking out.
HANNIBAL : Who can say, my friend? Who can say?
ACT 6 SCENE 3
EXT. MOON BASE #64. DAY.
The rocket carrying the two SNAKES crashes into the Moon's surface, only yards from SIMON LE BON'S Moon base. SIMON LE BON, PHIL OAKEY and GARY NUMAN, all wearing space suits, rush out of the base towards the SNAKES.
SNAKE ONE : Eeeek! Aliens!
SNAKE TWO : They're not aliens, man. They are just people wearing helmets.
SIMON LE BON : Who the hell are you? What the hell do you want?
SNAKE TWO : Where are we?
SIMON LE BON : You know where you are? You're on the Moon, baby. You're gonna DIE!
SNAKE ONE : You're going to kill us?
SIMON LE BON : No, there is no air here on the Moon, and you will suffocate. Come inside and explain yourselves.
SIMON LE BON, PHIL OAKEY, GARY NUMAN and the SNAKES go into SIMON LE BON'S Moon base.
ACT 6 SCENE 4
INT. MOON BASE #64. DAY
SIMON LE BON sits at a table with PHIL OAKEY and GARY NUMAN standing behind him. The two SNAKES sit opposite him. MACGYVER is bound to a chair in the corner of the room.
SIMON LE BON : What were you doing using my secret rocket?
SNAKE TWO : We didn't know it was your secret rocket, man. We were just playing in the park.
SIMON LE BON : Aren't you a bit old to be playing in the park?
SNAKE TWO : We wouldn't usually, but we couldn't hang around where we usually do.
SIMON LE BON : Where's that?
SNAKE ONE : Normally, we play around Mr T's bins, but he came and beat the crap out of us.
At the mention of MR T'S name, MACGYVER becomes more animated and struggles harder to free himself. SIMON LE BON notices this.
SIMON LE BON : Mr T, eh? Hmm. I'd forgotten about that A-Team bunch. Aren't they friends of yours, MacGyver?
MACGYVER : The A-Team? Never heard of them.
SIMON LE BON : You lie! Damn! We'll have to eliminate them as well.
PHIL OAKEY cracks his knuckles and GARY NUMAN chuckles wickedly.
SIMON LE BON : Unfortunately, we'll have to postpone our mission until the A-Team have been taken care of. We can't lure them to the Moon, in case they find out about the plan. No, the A-Team will have to be destroyed on Earth.
SNAKE ONE : You're going to beat Mr T? Can we be in your gang?
SIMON LE BON : Yes. You may come in useful, my friends.
SNAKE TWO : Alright! Mr T won't know what hit him!
SIMON LE BON, PHIL OAKEY, GARY NUMAN and the SNAKES get into the space rocket and set off for Earth.
ACT 7 SCENE 1
INT. THE A-TEAM HIDEAWAY. DAY.
HANNIBAL, MR T, FACE and MURDOCH are once again sitting around a table in the kitchen. HANNIBAL has the sprocket in front of him.
HANNIBAL : Well, this robot sprocket is proving to be less of a clue than we wanted.
MR T : Damn fool sprocket.
HANNIBAL : What we really need is conclusive proof of where MacGyver has been taken.
MURDOCH : Perhaps he's been taken to... the Moon!
HANNIBAL : This isn't the time for stupid jokes, Murdoch.
MR T : Damn fool Murdoch.
HANNIBAL : I wonder where he could be?
SIMON LE BON, PHIL OAKEY, GARY NUMAN and the SNAKES can be seen at the window, peering in.
EXT. THE A-TEAM HIDEAWAY. DAY
SIMON LE BON : Thanks to you, my snaky friends, we found the A-Team's secret hideaway.
SNAKE ONE : So when do we get to bust the T?
SIMON LE BON : Patience, patience. First, we must get them out of their lair.
SIMON LE BON taps on the window and pulls a funny face.
SIMON LE BON : Come and get me, A-Team!
HANNIBAL spots SIMON LE BON.
HANNIBAL : There's that Simon Le Bon. I bet he's up to something - let's chase him!
MR T, FACE and MURDOCH follow HANNIBAL in running to the A-Team van and chasing SIMON LE BON, PHIL OAKEY, GARY NUMAN and the SNAKES.
ACT 7 SCENE 2
EXT. SOME WASTELAND. DAY.
SIMON LE BON, PHIL OAKEY, GARY NUMAN and the SNAKES run at top speed across some wasteland towards a large shed.
HANNIBAL : Faster, Mr T!
MR T : I'm going as fast as I can, Hannibal.
HANNIBAL : Follow them into that large shed.
MR T : Alright.
SIMON LE BON, PHIL OAKEY, GARY NUMAN and the SNAKES go into the shed, followed by the A-Team van.
INT. A LARGE SHED. DAY
SIMON LE BON and his gang are nowhere to be seen. Suddenly, the shed doors close behind the A-Team van.
HANNIBAL : What the... We're trapped.
HANNIBAL, MR T, FACE and MURDOCH get out of the van and try the doors.
FACE : They're locked!
HANNIBAL : This calls for... some construction!
MURDOCH : But Hannibal, look what I found.
MURDOCH holds up a key, which is obviously that which will allow them to open the shed doors. HANNIBAL looks at MURDOCH with a look of pure contempt, snatches the key from him, and throws it to MR T.
HANNIBAL : You might be able to use that for welding, Mr T.
MR T : I dig you.
HANNIBAL, MR T, FACE and MURDOCH all work frantically to create something that will allow them to escape - we cannot yet tell what it is. This scene is accompanied by A-Team incidental music.
ACT 7 SCENE 3
EXT. SOME WASTELAND. DAY.
SIMON LE BON, PHIL OAKEY, GARY NUMAN and the SNAKES dash towards the space rocket, which is nearby.
SIMON LE BON : How about that then? There's no way the A-Team will ever escape from there!
SNAKE ONE : That's excellent, man! Mr T knows who's the boss now!
SNAKE TWO : I am of the opinion that Mr T can consider himself to be in the unfortunate position of being... cussed!
SNAKE ONE : Ha ha!
SIMON LE BON : Now that you have served your purpose, I must now make sure you are not in a position to endanger my plans.
SNAKE TWO : Oh, that's alright. We won't tell anyone.
SIMON LE BON : That's right. Because I'm going to kill you!
SNAKE TWO : Kill us? No!
SIMON LE BON : Yes!
SIMON LE BON draws a gun and shoots the SNAKES, who fall to the ground.
SIMON LE BON : Now that we have rid ourselves of those snakes, we can get on with our plan.
SIMON LE BON, PHIL OAKEY and GARY NUMAN get into the space rocket and it takes off, heading for the Moon again. As the rocket leaves, the A-Team van, now customised with a small ram welded to the bonnet, crashes through the doors of the shed.
HANNIBAL : Fortunately, that key came in handy to weld this ram to the van.
MR T : It's on the jazz, man.
FACE : Look, people. Le Bon and his cronies have escaped. They appear to be headed for the Moon.
MURDOCH : Woo woo!
HANNIBAL : This isn't the time for funny noises, Murdoch.
FACE : I've got an idea...
ACT 8 SCENE 1
INT. MOON BASE #64. DAY.
SIMON LE BON, PHIL OAKEY and GARY NUMAN are putting the eighties weapon into a small rocket, ready to be sent to Earth.
SIMON LE BON : So now, with all our enemies dealt with, there are no there are no obstacles to the plan. With this weapon on Earth, our power will be supreme!
PHIL OAKEY : Yes master.
GARY NUMAN : Yes master.
KATE COPSTICK enters the room.
SIMON LE BON : Hello, Kate. Unfortunately, although I realise that you are the living embodiment of all things eighties, you are too big to fit inside the box.
KATE COPSTICK : Och no.
SIMON LE BON : I am afraid so.
KATE COPSTICK : Well, if I can't help you like this, then there is only one thing to do.
KATE COPSTICK removes her facemask and we see that she is FACE in disguise. SIMON LE BON gasps.
SIMON LE BON : Gasp!
FACE : Yes, Le Bon! You have been rumbled!
HANNIBAL, MR T and MURDOCH enter the room through a sliding door. PHIL OAKEY and GARY NUMAN attempt to stop them but MR T knocks their heads together, and they fall to the floor.
SIMON LE BON : Noooo!
MURDOCH lifts the eighties box out of the rocket and drops it on the floor. All that was contained therein spills onto the floor.
SIMON LE BON : My precious machine! It's ruined!
HANNIBAL : You hadn't accounted for the A-Team when hatching your dastardly plan.
SIMON LE BON : No, I didn't. Bah. How did you find me on the Moon?
HANNIBAL : Simple. We followed your rocket. Mr T used a vacuum cleaner and some string to equip our van for space flight.
SIMON LE BON : Grrr!
The SNAKES, looking bedraggled and exhausted, enter the room.
SIMON LE BON : Snakes? I thought you were...
SNAKE TWO : Dead? So did we.
SNAKE ONE : Only we weren't. And when that fat idiot in his van ran us over in his van, we got wrapped around the rear axle and dragged to the Moon.
HANNIBAL : Where's MacGyver, Simon?
SIMON LE BON points to where MACGYVER has been all along, in the corner. MURDOCH rushes over and frees him.
MACGYVER : Thanks guys! I'm really glad you saved me.
SIMON LE BON : Reunions make me sick. I'm off!
HANNIBAL : No you don't!
SIMON LE BON runs through a door and gets into the space rocket, which begins to lift off for Earth.
FACE : We'll never make it! He's going to escape!
The SNAKES head after SIMON LE BON at top speed and wrap themselves around the bars at the back of the space rocket. It struggles to escape their grasp, but cannot. The engine overheats and the rocket explodes, sending SIMON LE BON spinning off into space. The SNAKES slither back into the Moon base.
HANNIBAL : So, in the end, you decided to fight for what's right?
SNAKE ONE : Yeah man. Sorry we cussed you up and nearly made you die.
FACE : That's OK.
SNAKE TWO : Can we, err... Can we be in the A-Team?
HANNIBAL : I don't know. What do you say, Mr T?
SNAKE TWO : We'll stay away from your bins - really!
MR T : As long as these fools do, then it's on the jazz, man!
HANNIBAL : Well, that's the end of that. Let's go home and have our tea.
MURDOCH : Are we going in the van?
HANNIBAL : Of course. Why?
MR T : I ain't getting on no plane, fool.
MURDOCH : Here, big guy. Have this milk.
MR T : I ain't falling for no trick, sucker. But I will have that cake.
MURDOCH winks at HANNIBAL as MR T eats the cake MURDOCH gives him.
MR T : You'll never trick Mr T. I pity the fool that thinks he can trick the T.
MR T finishes the cake and falls flat on his back, unconscious.
SNAKE ONE : Ha! The cuss is on Mr T!
HANNIBAL, FACE, MURDOCH and the SNAKES all laugh before the credits roll.
July 21, 1999 Ben Wells
© Benjamin Wells 1999.
You can email Herr Wells here
