Deck of Cards (Issue 10 August 1991)

During a reserve match at Tynecastle, Sandy Clark was finding it hard to concentrate. A typical Hearts fan was sitting on top of the dugout playing cards. Sandy shouted to the fan "You had better have a good reason for being up there playing cards. If your explanation is not good then I will punish you severely, by making you watch Hearts at Pittodrie next season".

"Sorry Sandy, I mean no disrespect, but when I see an ACE, I know that there is only one Heart of Midlothian, and I ponder why do I have to be the one to support them. The TWO tells me that football is a game of two halves, and we have been playing shite in both of them all season. The THREE reminds me of the number of stanchions in the Shed, one of which always seems to obstruct my view of the goal.

When I see the FOUR, it reminds me of last seasons highlight, a 4-1 thrashing of Hibs at Easter Road. When I see the FIVE it reminds me that it is five full years since Hearts were in a major final. The SIX reminds me of the Tennants Sixes, the only trophy that we have won in thirty years.

When I see the SEVEN, I think of the 750,000 we spent on Derek Ferguson. The EIGHT reminds me of how old I was that fateful day when I saw Hearts for the first time.

The NINE remind me of the centre forward position, and the long line of star turns we had to fill that position, (Ian Smith, Willie Gibson, Shuggie Shaw, Gordon Smith). The TEN is the number of times I have to stir my Bovril to make the sludge in the bottom go away.

The JACK has to be David Syme, beacuse only a one eyed jack could give as many stupid decisions as he has.

The QUEEN represents all the football widows who tolerate our antics all through the season. The KING represents the one and only WILLIE BAULD. Finally the JOKER is Hibernian Football Club, a source of ridicule for all.

There are four suits. Hearts needs no comment. The CLUBS reminds me that there are some other clubs in the country besides Hearts. The SPADES reminds me of the hole that we are currently trying to dig ourselves out of. Finally the DIAMONDS reminds me of a Scottish cup dream shattered.

There are 52 cards in a pack which is about the number of games that I will have to watch this season thanks to the small mindedness of some clubs. When I put the cards away, I have nothing, which again reminds me of our close neighbours, Hibernian.

So you see sir, this pack of cards is my Rothmans Football yearbook, My season ticket and my license to make comments".

"And friends this story is true, because I was that dug-out".

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