Mystic Michael!

Its that time of the year when we look into the crystal ball and see what's ahead of us in the football world.

OCTOBER 96

BBC Scotland once again say they have no plans to cover European football or Scotland games live as this would interupt their schedule of live coverage of the Inverness Womans Netball League. Gazza farts in Paul Cooneys face live on Scotsport and Jim White comments that "He's some character our Gazza". Celtic fall seven points behind Rangers in the league, but Tommy Burns still thinks he'll catch them because they have the best supporters in the world. Albert Craig of Falkirk and Craig Levein fight for the middleweight Championship of the world. Big Cragie wins inside the first round. Tommy McLean is sacked from Tannadice after just three games in charge because brother Jim won't allow him to eat lollipops.

NOVEMBER 96

Gilles Rousset is seen lying in his goalmouth sampling his favourite red wine during the Hibs game at Tynecastle. In the same game, Bruno is badly fouled by Darren Jackson and the Italian is stretchered off the field. At Brockville, Craig Nelson cannot get a game for Falkirks third team. Celtic fall ten points behind Rangers, and their crowds drop 10000 but manager Tommy Burns still insists they can win the league because of their wonderful support. Falkirks plans for a new stadium fall through, so George Fulston invests in three new settees from MFI to make Brockville all seated. Tommy McLean is appointed manager of struggling Dunfermline.

DECEMBER

Alan 'Magic' Johnston is struggling in the Rennes reserves, while the first team lie bottom of the French league. Darren Jackson's body is washed up on Portobello beach alongside a severed horses head. Police interview all the Italian restaurant owners. Celtic fall 20 points behind Rangers, and their crowds drop a further 5000. Tommy Burns still insists they can be successful with their wonderful fans behind them. Mickey Weir is spotted in Jenners in a fairy costume on top of their Chritmas tree. Walter Smith goes on live TV and insists that Rangers could still qualify for the Champions League quarter finals if they win their last three games. Tommy McLean is sacked from Dunfermline after three games in charge. McLean is heard to comment "are there no big clubs in the premier league?".

JANUARY 97

In the New Year Derby Hearts trounce Hibs 8-0. All the Hibs players play well below par. Police are investigating a stolen shipment of laxative solution which had been stored in Carlsberg bottles. The Hearts fans refuse to leave the stadium until an alter is built so they can worship Lord Pasquale. He had predicted that five Hibs plyers would score and his prediction had come true. Meanwhile Magic Johnston regains his first team place. In his post match TV interview he comments on his team mates by saying, "they are shite, just like Hibs". Craig Nelson is seen sweeping out the toilets at Brockville, coach Eamon Bannon says it is his best position. Celtic fall 25 points behind Rangers but of course with their super fans, winning the league is still within their capabilities, according to manager Tommy Burns. Tommy Mclean is appointed manager of Kilmarnock following the strange disappearance of Alex Totten up his own arse.

FEBRUARY 97

Gazza gives Gerry McNee a good kicking live on Scotsport. Gerry loves it, commenting that it was a pleasure to be touched by such a god. For a change the hotline is jammed by Old Firm fans. SKY sports start up thier newest channel, SKY sports 39, which features live coverage from the Stirlingshire and District Welfare League. Man Utd reveal their 16th change strip. It is unusual in design, with little motifs all over it that resemble pound signs. Celtic fall 35 points behind. No problem says Tommy Burns, we have a support like no other. Celts latest home gate is 9000. Tommy McLean is released by Kilmarnock, as Alex Totten reappears out of his own arse. Tommy McLean apologises to the Kilmarnock faithful by stating that he didn't think they were a big team anyway.

MARCH 97

Alex Miller is sacked from Hibs following a bribery scandal. He claims he was offered £1250000 cash to stay in charge for another ten years by an unkown Italian. Magic Johnston re-signs for Hearts saying he will never leave the famous Hearts again. In his first three games, Magic scores three consecutive hat-tricks. Craig Nelson leaves Falkirk in a major transfer, he signs for Pumpherston Juniors. Nelson states that this is a big step up for him. A sensitive question is asked on the Scotsport phone in, and even more sensationally, it does not involve Rangers or Celtic. On the same edition of Scotsport, Gerry McNee marries Richard Gough. Celtic are now 40 points behind, Tommy Burns still says there's a chance despite having only 3000 fans at their last home game. Tommy McLean is appointed new manager of Hibs. Walter Smith says Rangers can still qualify for the quarter finals of the Champions League provided they win their last two games by eight clear goals.

APRIL 97

Tommy McLean resigns from Hibs after one game in charge. He is heard ranting to his agent "you told me they were a big team, you fucking idiot!". Rangers sign Magic Johnston after only four games as a Hearts player. Johnston states in a live interview "I have always wanted to play for Rangers". BBC Scotland annouce that from next season they will be stopping football altogether and instead will be showing in their Saturday night spot, live course fishing. Tommy Burns finally concedes defeat in the league as he sits among thousands of ripped up season tickets. In the middle of the carnage, Fergus McCann annouces that he is leaving because he has succeeded in doing what he came to do. Rangers falter in the league. Aberdeen, with new manager Tommy McLean in charge are making a late charge along with Hearts.

MAY 97

With one Champions League game to go, Walter Smith states in a live TV interview "If we win 14-0 and Grasshopers are deducted three points for fielding an ineligible player and Auxerre withdraw from the competition we can still come second in the group". Walter Smith then explodes. Tommy McLean, seeing the opportunity resigns from Pittodrie and takes over at Ibrox. Unsettled Dons lose valuable points, they are missing their star player Windass who has gone off to represent England at the national diving championships. This leaves Hearts as the only real challengers to Rangers. In a tense end to the season, on the final day Hearts beat Rangers to end their nine-in-a-row dream. Following the game manager Tommy McLean is immediately sacked. Asked about his own goal which cost Rangers the league Alan Johnston states "when I was facing my own goal and the ball was dropping towards me I saw Andy Goram in front of me, and it just seemed the natural thing to do". Later that evening, Tommy McLean is seen getting out of a taxi outside Celtic Park.......

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