THE PEOPLES GAME

If Fitba is the people's game then God help us! Is it just me or are there a lot more numpties going to football matches these days? Perhaps the numpty/normal bloke ratio has increased or numpties are more easily picked out in all seated stadiums. You definitely get a wide selection of fans going to matches these days. Here's a couple you may recognise...

1 - THE FAT BLOKE BEHIND THE GOALS

These people really do get on my nerves. Your team makes a promising move upfield only for the final shot to be blasted over the bar. At this point the "fat bloke" goes "Aaaagh" or "Ooooh" and proceeds to stand up with his arms outstretched, like a fisherman boasting about the one that got away. why does he do it? Does he find in funny? Sometimes the fat boy stands up, stretches his arms out and waves his limp hands in the air almost doing a black and white minstrel impression. Again, he thinks this is funny but I think this fat bloke looks like......

a) A teenage girl trying to dry her nail varnish quickly

b) a complete prick

Why are the people who always do this men? Fat blokes as well? One of these days there's going to be a blast over the bar that smacks them in the dish. Step forward Stevie Fulton, your first team place is assured.

2. THE KID WITH NO ATTENTION SPAN

Sadly, with the coming of all-seated stadiums, the sight of the "irritating wee nyaff" is still plentiful, especially at away days. Picture the scene. Your are delighted to have a kid but you don't want them to become a victim of the Old Firm Glory-Hunting squad. The only alternative is to explain to them that football isn't always about winning and take them to Tynecastle in the hope that they will become a Jambo. Unfortunately, your complex explanation of the offside rule has bored wee Jimmy to death and the nil-nil draw with Dundee Utd has made him almost suicidal. So his wee feet start to wander, as do his legs. It Running up and down steps, crawling over seats and swinging on barriers is much more exciting that watching the footy. Unfortunately, fellow fans and the Rock Steady Security Guards do not appreciate this burst of energy. Undaunted, you take them back to the football with promises like "Hearts will win today", "Hearts are a good side, honest" or "This is going to be our year" (I still fall for that one myself). The final straw comes when your kid confesses to you one day that he doesn't like maroon, or worse still, he states that he prefers rugby! Still, at least if this happens you will be able to go to the pub again before and after the match.

3. THE PART TIME SUPPORTER

Every club has them and Hearts are no exception. Part time supporters are hard to spot. Potential part timers are people who are wearing football tops 5-10 years out of date because that is the last time they bought a Hearts top. You can also spot a part timer when he stands in the wrong turnstile queue and are shocked when they find out the cost of entry. These people also tend to sit in the first available seat with a good view, regardless of the number on their ticket and cannot understand when some irate season ticket holder asks them to shift their arse. The part timer doesn't recognise any of the players and annoys those around him by making stupid statements like "Whatever happened to Walter Kidd", or "When is Scott Crabbe coming back". However, even worse than parttimers are......

4. OPPOSITION FANS IN THE WRONG END

Bluenoses from Dalkieth or Edinburgh who brought their tickets from Tynecastle and not Edinburgh. The more sensible ones try to keep quiet for most of the match, wearing neutral colours and clapping with the other Hearts fans around them. They don't sing along to the Hearts songs, but very vociferously sing "Hello, hello". Hearts fans around them don't even notice them until the inevitable happens. Rangers scores,and in a momentary lapse of concentration the Hun starts jumping up and down until he notices than nobody else near him is jumping up and down. At this point he stops jumping up and down and the hearts fans start jumping up and down - on him until the police arrive.

5. THE OLD GUARD

No fan review would be complete without talking about the Old Gits. Hearts seem to have more oap's than most others. Without them there would be nobody inside Tynecastle who could remember a Hearts cup winning side. Yet just because they can remember, it doesn't give them the right to bore every Hearts fan stupid with statements like "Conn, Bauld, Wardhaugh....those were the days", or "Willie Bauld, now HE could head the ball", or "No substitutes in my day" or the ridiculous "If you headed a ball back in my day, it would split your head open".

Look, the 50's have gone and now we are almost in the 21st Century. Subbies are ok, the football is light and made of synthetic leather, as are football boots and jerseys are made from 100% polyester. Oh, and nobody plays 2-3-5 any longer because you lost too many goals. The old blokes usually congregate in the old main stand at Tynecastle. Why? The old stand is cold, damp, cramped and dusty and cannot be good for an oap's health, but they say "it's aye been" and they can't be bothered with new fangled luxuries like comfy seats, ample legroom, no splinters and an unobstructed view. The want to sit with other caps so they can reminisce about "50,000 crowds at Tynecastle for the visit of 3rd Lanark".

Al

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