Hey Steve, can we say TAMPAX?

I suppose that it is every persons dream to be famous for five minutes. On Saturday 4th October I was famous for almost an hour. As editor of this magazine I was invited to appear on the BBC Radio show ON THE BALL/OFF THE BALL the former of which goes out at One O'Clock, the later going out at five thirty comprsing a phone in.

I have listened to the programme previously. The two main participants are Stuart Cosgrove (Journalist/presenter and St. Johnstone fan) and Tam Cowan (ITV quiz captain and Motherwell fan). Each week they invite a minor celebrity to join them while they basically take the piss out of everybody.

I was asked to turn up at 11:30 to prepare for the show. I was met by Tam Cowan. As Motherwell were playing Hearts there was a little extra banter on the way up to the office. The office was like any other, paper everywhere and Stuart Cosgrove cursing into his VDU. In the background Radio Scotland was playing some pish. A thought crossed my mind - if you work for Radio Scotland do you have to listen to it as opposed to something sensible like Virgin? C&W is not my scene but I said nothing. I was encouraged to read all of the days papers as there was going to be a piss take of Sandy Robertson and Roy Aitken and we were to expect lots of calls about the Scottish teams performance in Europe. I was told that I would be asked about Hearts being top of the league and I should join in whenever I liked just as if we were three guys in a pub (yeah, really easy with just a few hundred thousand people listening, waiting for you to stutter or swear).

"Steve, can we say shite?" asked Tam. "NO, you'll have to say crap" replied Steve. "The jokes not funny unless I say shite" argues Tam. "Tough" replied Steve. "What about tampax?" asked Tam. "It depends on the context" answered Steve. "If its the joke about the new league having the plug pulled, definately not, if its the one about still being able to go fishing and skiing its ok". As one o'clock approached I knew everything that I was going to say. I had prepared a wee piece on Hearts domination of Hibs, had something funny to say about Rangers and Celtic, was ready to slag Duncan Ferguson, Roy Aitken and Sandy Robertson. Nothing could go wrong, it was all cleverly scripted.......Wrong!

"I have your fanzine here in front of me and an article here says you are all huns, is that true Craig?" I was asked y Stuart Cosgrove with a smirk on his face.

"You bastard" my head said as the words "No we are definately not huns, maybe fifteen years ago, but not nowadays" came out without preperation. No warning for the question, right in there for the jugular in my first question on live national radio. After that, my script went out the window as some of the jokes passed me by (Tam has a week to practise each joke). As the sketches were being played I wasnt really listening to them as I was trying to memorise my notes before I was asked my next question. It is really difficult to get right into the show as we raced from subject to subject. Before long it was all over. We all agreed that it had gone well and I achieved my three main objectives.

1. To get the experience without wetting myself.
2. To say something sensible without stuttering, swearing or making a fool of myself.
3. To get several plugs of the fanzine in (thanks to SC for at least 6 mentions.

Tam booked a taxi for 14:15 to take us to Motherwell which arrived as the Motherwell end at 14:50. I walked round to the away end and missed the kick off. Tam had said meet him out the back when the clock said 85 minutes.

85 minutes gone, I couldn't wait to see Tam Cowans face! To be fair, he was philosophical about it. "We were pish" he said and he meant it. We arrived in the studio at twenty past five, ten minutes to prepare. The backroom staff said there were already many calls. Just time for a quick instruction to Tam Cowan.

"Tam" shouted Stuart "for christ's sake, when I ask them about who are the most loyal old firm fans, don't say you couldn't care less!"

In all, we got through ten phonecalls which the guy seemed to think was pretty good going. There was only one call from a Jambo who didn't seem the brightest, and I tried to bale him out but probably didn't sound the brightest myself when asked why Hearts were top of the league? I said "beacuse they have more points than all the other teams!" I did add that we had at least three potential internationalists available if the Scotland management team evr found their way to Tynie.

At the end of the programme I was relieved yet very pumped up. Although my contribution was minimal I think I held my own without rambling and while I regret not getting a dig in about Hibs I would do it again if asked. I received a decent t-shirt and I was assured that my expenses would be in the post soon. (I am still waiting)

During the day I did learn that Stuart Cosgrove is the newphew of Alex Kitson who died very recently. I also heard a good story about one of the editors of Always the Bridesmaid first hand. (I don't think they will be back on the programme again).

A word of warning - if you get invited on the programme take your lunch with you, the Beeb give you absolutely nothing. I suppose it is the cutbacks!

Craig Young - ed

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