Issue 40 (November 1998)
The Front Cover
Section last updated 12th November 1998
Take me back to the fanzines page
The Boring Bit...
From the Heart
On the Park
Off the Park
Mallorca
Bonnie Scotland
Inside this Issue
Next Issue
Fly the Flag
Come on, make an effort
The Moaning Old Sods
Catch 22 - Darren Goldie
(Semi) Exclusive Interview with Chief Executive, Chris Robinson
HEARTS L!VE
"Let's Hear you get right behind the team!!"
A tale of dastardly deeds in EH7
Yours in Debt
"They DIVE they FALL their GOALPOSTS are to SMALL, MAJORCA, MAJORCA"
No More Flag Articles
Disaster Waiting to Happen
Sell Davie Weir
Lantana comes to Lithgae
Kev Thomas
Stop Press
Stand by Me
...ONLINE...
16 Facts about Hearts in Europe
Houstie
Hearts and Hibs - Capital Classics
Catch 22 - Pat Begley
Win a Hearts CD
My life down Easter Road
Away Day
The Majority hit back
The Back page
THE FRONT COVER
THE BORING BIT.....
Editor Craig Young
Internet Editor Grant Thorburn
Address : http://web.ukonline.co.uk/Members/grant.thorburn/
Contributers : CHRIS ROBINSON, DARREN GOLDIE, PAT BEGLEY, Eric Fleming, Dave Greig, Pie, Ian Shiells(big time!), Stephen Blackwood, The Cabbie, Bob Taylor, Dougie Grant, Dianne Dootson, Donna Mackey, Bev
Cartoonist : Kevin Littlejohn
Printer : Paul Hollingshead at Blueprint (01443-205653). Very reasonable (tell him where you got his number).
Outlets : Robertsons Bar (Gorgie), Vinyl Villains, Ahmeds newsagents (Leith), Grahams Papers (Polwarth), RS McColls (St James Centre, Gorgie Road & Lothian Road),Watersons (West End), Groucho's (Dundee), Jumbo Records (Leeds), Sportspages (London and Manchester), Manchester Hearts, London Hearts. More Edinburgh outlets wanted (25% commission paid). We will pay 35% commission for any supporters club who wishes to take 10 or more copies and pay up front.
Back issues :
Iss 4 price 50p
Iss 12,13,14,15,16 20p each
Iss 17 (Joint with Dead Ball) 50p
Iss 18,19,20,23,24 30p each
Iss 22 (12-pager)20p
iss 25,26 60p,
iss 27-36 50p each
Issue 37,38 100p
Best of issues 1-10 £1 each
Five Jam Parts (joint charity issue) 50p
postage is 20p for the first, and 8p extra for each subsequent. Cheques payable to C.Young
Disclaimer : NIT is an independent fanzine, even though what profits there are go to Linlithgow Hearts. We don't take ourselves too seriously, and you shouldn't either. However, please remember that the views expressed are not necessarily those of the editorial team or Linlithgow Hearts. You have the right to reply, and your reply will usually be printed in full. We don't exercise much editorial control, but please keep the abuse within the bounds of tastefulness (unless it is about Hibs). Please avoid any racist stuff. MORE FEMALE WRITERS DESPERATELY REQUIRED
Contributions, subscriptions etc to :
71 Deanburn Park, Linlithgow, W Lothian, Scotland EH49 6HA.
Subscriptions. Please state clearly which issue you want your subscription to start from, and send in £5 (payable to C.Young) for the next four issues.
Please try to send in any articles pre-typed in DARK BLACK ink, or even on a 3.5" disk (wordperfect 5.1).
NOTE: Contributors MUST supply their full name and address, even if they are using a pen-name
Next issue - Probably 23rd or 30th January. Get your articles in by 16th January.
FROM THE HEART
We've reached the big four-O against all our expectations, and believe it or not, we've reached the stage when we are thinking about increasing the print run yet again. We've got input from Radio Forth, we've got Hearts players contributing regularly and we've even pinched a couple of the JAMBO writers. At the Lantana game I lost count of the number of people who thought we were the official programme (if you bought this issue and thought it was the programme, I bet you're feeling bit of a plonker right now. Never mind, we're a better read anyway).
I have to mention issue 39. Increasing the price was a last minute decision and we brought the print deadline forward to be able to sell at the Raith game, and so I wasn't able to explain the price increase. There were cynics among the editorial team who freaked at the idea of a £1.50 cover price. "it'll never sell", they claimed. I have great pleasure in saying that issue 39 sold the most issues we have ever sold, and even some of the regular shops in England didn't get any issues, such was the demand outside Tynie. The photo we used for the poster insert was a cracker, and we may look at that again in the future. We'd like to hear from you about the whole concept. It is very expensive to get 1,500 colour posters printed, folded and sent to us, but if the photo is good enough, are you game for another one at the end of the season?
Anyway, we're back to the £1 cover price for the time being so let's go on with the show....
ON THE PARK
At the time of writing (before the Rangers Game) I have mixed feelings. After the euphoria of the Cup final win I think I was more prepared for an anti-climax than i gave myself credit for. There were people at the cup final who said they didn't need to go back, because a "lifelong ambition" had been realised and nothing could top it. I agree with this, because things haven't been going well and I am dealing with it just fine. Had we not had the trophy in the bag, the 2-0 home defeat by Dundee and the humiliation at Killie would have stirred the support up, but Chris Robinson has bought himself some time due to the cup win.
After the Majorca home defeat, with Hammy, Adam and McCann in a slump we could clearly see that we don't have the strength in depth up front. Derek Holmes has an eye for a goal but he is not an improvement on what is currently there. Enter Juanjo or Jose or Carricondo (or whatever his name is). On 45 minutes evidence, he looks like a talent and a half. On the one hand you wonder if he is so good, why did a club let him go (Gazza is an example), on the other hand players need a fresh challenge (look no further than Billy Dodds). One thing is for sure, Jim Jefferies has given him a lengthy contract which can only benefit Hearts, since if he becomes the next George Best (as Bobby Robson is alleged to have said) then we can sell him for millions. Gary McSwegan is the right age and he has plenty experience. A four year contract is generous but since he didn't cost us a transfer fee we had to give in to at least some of his demands and who can blame a player for looking for stability? Vincent became available and I can't help thinking it is because JJ knows Colin Cameron isn't going to make it. let's hope that turns out to be a load of crap.
Assuming all our midfielders regain their fitness (and form), the only area that is causing me great concern in the right back position. Pressley is a good player, but I feel he is being played at right back just to accommodate him. We've tried McManus, Locke, Murie, Murray, Weir, McPherson, Locke and Pressley in that position and with the possible exception of Slim towards the end of last season, none of them seem comfortable in that area. It could cost us dearly if we ignore the situation.
Other than that everything is fine!
OFF THE PARK
Things are progressing nicely if you believe Chris Robinson (see our special 12-page interview). I have no reason to disbelieve anything he says, in fact a lot of what he says makes sense, I think he just has an image problem, plus he has no time for people who criticise him. He has all but disowned the Hearts Federation since their vote of no confidence and seems happy to favour people who put their money where their mouths are. It's the times we live in, I'm afraid.
MALLORCA
What a farce! Much has been written and I don't want to bore you, but here's my personal view. Bottom line is, I don't want us to be involved in a competition we can't win. European success to Hearts usually means meagre returns on the domestic front. To put it bluntly, the boys have had their "beano trip", now lets get on with the business of getting to another cup final and let's forget about Europe till next season. Of course Hearts were badly treated (did we really expect anything different)? If anybody was at fault it was the UEFA official who should be sacked immediately. We lost at home and can have no excuses. Maybe an injury free side would have won the tie, who knows? All I will say is that in the hour before kick-off, SOMEBODY had the responsibility to inform Hearts that a verbal or taped protest was invalid, and that protesting after the game was futile. Was it Chris Robinson, was it the UEFA observer? Was it Majorca? Was it the Consul? On match evenings should there not be a hot-line to UEFA in case of last minute things like this? Hold on a minute, they send an observer to do things like that. In my book it's his fault. It doesn't matter that the Spanish are all cheating bastards, we did not follow the pathetic UEFA procedures and their man on the spot failed to do his job.
I'll end with a question. Just suppose Hearts had won the tie with a last-minute goal, would our protest have been looked on as invalid then?
BONNIE SCOTLAND
It was great to see a full international being played at Tynie for the first time in 60 years, even if the eventual side fielded was probably only the same quality as a good premier league side. Despite the performance it was an exciting game and the Tynecastle "atmosphere" has been commented on from several quarters, and that can only be good news for the future.
When you look at some of the players who didn't make it, and again at some of those who nearly made it, is it really mathematically possible to have (given the circumstances) a Scotland team with Johnston, Weir, Ritchie, Cameron, Fulton, McCann and Hamilton all involved? Add Pressley, McSwegan and Naysmith to the squad and you can play every Scotland game at Tynie!
I've been hearing stories about the organization of the event where people went to one part of the ground to be told to go to another, then being told to go back to the place they had just been. There have also been more comments about the £17.50 tickets costing £19 when you arrived to pay for them. A lucrative little business this "fee".
Let's hope that the Estonia game was a watershed. A lot of players were asked questions and few had answers. In my opinion, Jim Leighton should have gone after the world cup with dignity. Darren Jackson just doesn't have it. In the words of Jim Traynor, Davie Weir is just "an honest trier". Judging by the Estonian performance he was played well out of position and still played reasonably well. I just wish to see the pairing of Weir and Ritchie just once, it can't be far away. Calderwood? Pish! Boyd? He must be shagging someone important. Super Ally? Thanks for the memories. Ian Durrant? Romantic idea didn't pay off. Should have had Chic Charnley in (only kidding).
INSIDE THIS ISSUE
Contributions from youth players DARREN GOLDIE and PAT BEGLEY. Something from PETER HOUSTON. A TWELVE page interview with CHRIS ROBINSON. Plus the chance to win a Hearts CD.
NEXT ISSUE
Photos from a Very special night in Linlithgow where we honour JOHN ROBERTSON, PAUL RITCHIE AND GARY NAYSMITH.
THE MAKING OF THIS FRONT COVER. This story was so funny it is worth an article in itself!
A tribute to and articles from Hearts funniest (now defunct) fanzine THE GORGIE WAVE
Hasta La Vista
Craig - Ed
FLY THE FLAG
Re "The Man With No Name" and his comments about the Union Jack - I felt I had to write in and put my views to him. Having been a Hearts fan since 1976 and living in the west I have witnessed first hand the bigotry which blinds so many Old Firm followers. Rangers fans don't annoy me apart from their apparent disregard for the National team. Don't they realise that Scotland is part of the famous Britannia they sing about every week at Ibrox? Celtic fans on the other hand I detest. Their blatantly pro IRA stance and singing of rebel songs glorifying murdering scum gets right up my nose. As regards the Union Jack issue, The Name with no Name says this flag has been hi-jacked by England fans therefore Scottish flags shouldn't fly it. Well I may be wrong but Scots have as much right to fly it as anyone else. As for his point about the Tartan Army not flying it, Great Britain were not playing in France, Scotland were and if England fans who choose to cause trouble have a Union Jack then that has nothing to do with me. Remember HMFC players fought in the war for Scotland and Great Britain.
Finally his comment about no maroon in the U.J, well there wasn't any on the saltire the last time I looked, and to bring colours into the argument was just petty. To suggest that he is more Scottish than me because he doesn't wave a Union Jack is quite insulting. I go to every home Scotland match and was also in France to support them and was very proud to do so.
I'll sign off by wishing Hearts the very best for the coming season and hope to see both the Union Jack and the Saltire at Tynecastle
Stephen Blackwood
Kilbirnie
COME ON, MAKE AN EFFORT
I just wanted to drop you a line to mouth off at those supporters (especially in the Wheatfield Stand) who just refuse to involve themselves in any activity remotely connected with creating atmosphere. I'm not asking anyone to go to singing lessons and I'm not asking anyone to learn any complicated songs, but it would help the atmosphere at some home games if more people would stand up when we sing "STAND UP IF YOU HATE HIBEES". OK, some people don't hate them, but there are not enough people standing up at the correct moment. Similarly, some of the anoraks out there could at least clap along to some of the songs instead of sitting there with your arms folded wondering why the team is playing rubbish!
BEV
We've won the Cup, but they wont shut up. Its...
The Moaning Old Sods
...they didn't fight a war for the likes of you!
They've spent the last 40 years complaining about the lack of silverware, and - well everything really. So are the old timers happy now? Are they hell. These people exist. They sit behind me every garne. Going on. And on. AND ON! Want to know what its like? Well imagine some crazed genetic engineer had spliced together Arthur Montford, Mrs Mack from Intake The High Road" and a copy of the Sunday Post, and read on...
Jimmy: Its a wet yin the day Sandy.
Sandy: Aye. Jimmy: I see that Fulton's been called up for Scotland.
Sandy: Aye (Stevie collects the ball from Rousset...)
Jimmy: He's never an internationalist. Do you remember Dickie 'Side-foot' Simpson, the most skilful player never to be capped by Scotland?
Sandy: Aye. (...takes the ball over the half-way line...)
Jimmy: Best tanner-ba' player I've ever seen and a real man too - put in an eight hour shift down the pit on a Friday and still turned up on a Saturday afternoon.
Sandy: Aye.. (...round's three defenders..)
Jimmy: of course he was knackered - never made it to half time.
Sandy: Aye.
(...and lobs the keeper from 40-yards. Tynecastle goes wild - Jimmy and Sandy applaud
politely).
Jimmy: You know there was a hint of offside there.... The rest of Tynecastle (as one): Shut up you moaning old sods!!!
Catch 22 - Darren Goldie
(We've decided to give youth a chance so thanks to Darren Goldie from our Successful youth side for answering our questions)
1. As is being proposed in cricket, which song would you choose to accompany you onto the pitch?
Gala - Free From Desire
2. If you were a pigeon, who (or what) would you shit on and why?
Mr Stubbs, my old assistant head teacher, he constmtly reminded me that I would never amount to anything in life especially in sport!
3. What posters did you have on your walls as a kid?
Bruce Lee
4. What really pisses you off outside of football?
Other drivers who don't acknowledge you when you give them the right of way
5. What football team did you support as a boy?
I'm still a boy, but it has to be CELTIC
6. If you weren't a footballer what would you be doing for a living now?
Zookeeper, that's where I spent my work experience whilst at school.
7. Which opposing player has wound you up most recently?
Marco Negri
8. What did you do on your last day off?
Played Golf
9. What was the best telly programme you watched last week?
Don't Watch marsh TV
10. What is the worst thing you have ever had shouted at you from the crowd?
"Plonker" - by my mother!
11. Best Lager, whisky, vodka, hooch, cider or wine?
All of the above, but not in the same glass - only joking, it's lager
12. Tikka Masala, Sweet & Sour, Steak, McDonalds or Pizza?
McDonalds
13. What is your favourite restaurant?
Indian
14. What is the best video you have watched recently?
"I know what you did last summer"
15. Where is your favourite holiday destination?
Gran Canaria
16. What is the most complicated meal you have ever cooked yourself?
Fried Egg
17. What is your best moment as a Hearts player to date?
it has to be two, winning the BP Cup and winning player of the tournament in the Milk Cup in Ireland
18. What is your favourite terracing song to get you motivated?
Unfortunately the crowd don't sing to us yet!
19. What would be your dream date?
On a Carribean Island with Denise Van Outen
20. Who would you pay good money to go and see (dead or alive)?
Billy Connolly
21. What was the last concert you went to see?
Ocean Colour Scene
22a. What type of car do you drive at the moment?
Citroen Zara
22b. If you had the dosh, what type of car would you like to drive?
Lambourgini Countash
(SEMI) EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH CHIEF EXECUTIVE CHRIS ROBINSON
On Tuesday 15th September, NIT were invited into Tynecastle to interview the Chief Executive Chris Robinson. This was a bit unexpected as they made the first approach, having read our last issue. We compiled a list of pertinent questions and sent roving reporters Ian and Gordon to find out the latest. ATB came in halfway through the interview, so apologies to those readers who buy both fanzines, only the first eight pages are exclusive, the rest is kind of a joint effort.
NIT : What about Style of the new Season Ticket package?
CR : We put in s/w 3.5 years ago which was the same as all the other big clubs in England plus Rangers used. Some packages came along which were much better using Windows. The old system worked on dumb terminals and was no networked, so if you wanted to find out something you had to wait, whereas the new packages offered a system which was networked to tell us what was happening around the club so about 18 months ago we decided to make a move to a new software system and to cut a long story short we were oversold and underdelivered. It promised a lot but it is not delivering. It is a young company and they do Spurs and other big clubs and they are not a mickey mouse outfit. We felt they were going to be great but it turns out they are less than great. So we've gone from a reliable software to the latest thing. Ironically in the 6 months our old supplier has taken a quantum leap and gone beyond the guys we thought were the best thing, because we like to be at the cutting edge.
We began to realise that they weren't delivering what they said they would so we kept the old system running because you don't get rid of an old system until you are sure of the new system. We had all the season ticket info on the old system and were transferring to the new system. Basically we had no choice but to print off the tickets like a concertina. We lost about 3 or 4 weeks during the summer and as you know it was a close run thing in the end.
The new s/w didn't recognise the 200 5-year tickets which was a nightmare, and there was a problem with our credit card transfer line. There were only 2 user licences given for 13 screens. A ticket office is set up with headsets where the operator takes the details and the tickets are automatically placed in a window envelope within seconds. Unfortunately we were still having to take details by phone and process them later and that was a nightmare, and I have to hold my hands up and say we got it wrong.
NIT : "If we reach another major final, will these problems be solved?"
CR : 2-3000 supporters have ticked the mandate box to receive advance tickets for matches. These tickets should be automatically sent out and there are problems with the database (Halifax Solo Card). If one card fails, the whole run fails and we are having to run an extra piece of software to get round this . There is a high anxiety factor, a couple of times the volume of calls has brought the system down and the manufacturer has been across from Japan monitoring. The faxes have been bolloxed up as well.
NIT : "Is there a staffing problem in the ticket office - we'd heard a rumour that you had difficulty getting staff to come in in sufficient numbers?"
CR : It's not numbers. If the computer has a basic fault then people will not trust them. We've brought in a customer services manager to get it sorted out.
NIT : "Fans who purchased season tickets have received IOU's for 500 club discount. Will you get your discount if you don't pursue it"
CR : Basically, we didn't legislate for it, it's as simple as that. Everybody who is entitled to a discount either has it or will get it.
NIT : "Season tickets for the Roseburn Stand? Fans would have been quite happy to buy a season ticket which excluded the Old Firm matches"
CR : We don't feel you can do a season ticket which excludes things.
NIT : "Fans with kids have been offered the old stand or the enclosure but are not interested - is it something you could look at in the future"
CR: All the prices and brochures were out in April/May. We could have won the league at the time and didn't know what the effect of a new season would be in terms of sales. We only had 700 extra applications on top of existing 10,000 and that didn't justify setting aside the Roseburn Stand for Season tickets
NIT : "So there is no truth in the rumour that the police stopped you selling season tickets in the Roseburn Stand for reasons of safety?"
CR : If Hearts supporters come to the games in sufficient numbers we will sell them season tickets there. We sell to Hearts fans first and foremost, but we are a business. Halfway through last season we docked Rangers and Celtic from 5,000 to 3,500. I got pelters from both clubs. For the last Rangers match I tried to take away the whole Roseburn Stand from Rangers and got knocked back by the SFA League committee for being too clever. In the end that game didn't mean anything to us anyway. Our commitment is to be reasonable, 1,000 to 2,000 in an 18,000 capacity is reasonable.
NIT : "Given the high pricing policy why should I buy a season ticket next season? It costs £320 per season. If we are not drawn at home in a cup competition you are paying more for a season ticket than at the gate."
CR : I think that is justified. A season ticket isn't a discount instrument. There are people around that think the season ticket is like a cheap discount bus ticket.
NIT : " I think it should be because you are committing yourself to the club through thick and thin"
CR: Football clubs no longer recognise a Season ticket as something that is a benefit to a supporter. It is a guaranteed seat. A lot of people are buying them and many know they will miss some games for a wedding or something. We have never taken the view that a season ticket represents a discount to a loyal supporter. That is a hard nosed decision based on the fact that we have to create revenue. There is a question over how do you reward these loyal supporters? I think that you try to give them success. They have great seats for it. If you have a bad seat in the old stand I can see the logic in walking into the Roseburn Stand for a decent seat. I reckon if you gave up your guaranteed seat in the Wheatfield Stand you would have a hard job getting it back. That is just an honest answer. WE MAKE NO APOLOGIES FOR OUR PRICING POLICY. It is sharp, it is at the top level. You try dealing with football players and see how much they are earning how difficult it is to satisfy them . I think we would get much more criticism if I sold players. We have deliberately not sold players to try & get success on the pitch (Alan McLaren excepted).
NIT : "We congratulate you on the pricing policy for the Lantana game. Will this policy continue?"
CR : You've got to match the pricing with the product. Last year we had Albion Rovers, Clydebank and Ayr and we lost a lot of money once we paid the bonuses out. People say we must have made money but we made little from the cup run. We recognise that our season ticket is expensive and that Rangers and Celtic matches are expensive but we also recognise when it shouldn't be expensive like Lantana
NIT : "So we could get reduced prices in the Scottish Cup if we draw, say Albion Rovers"
CR : Absolutely. The Ross Co game was set at the lowest price possible and £12 is the lowest price that can be charged.
NIT : "What about child gates? Is there a gate that children can go in on their own"
CR : There is a child gate. Children can go up and pay £8 at any of the gates.
NIT : "We didn't know that and it doesn't seem to be common knowledge among fans. Some fans think that you have to be accompanied by an adult"
CR : Maybe we have got a job to do to get that message across
NIT: Do you think it is right that one person can receive up to four tickets for a major final and he in turn passes three of them on to a person who hasn't been to a game all season?
CR : You should see my mailbag. I've got a guy giving me pelters because he can't get a ticket for the Dunfermline game because he isn't a season ticket holder. We're in a no win situation. I'll tell you what we plan to do for the Semi final at Easter Road. We anticipate getting 12,000 tickets and can allocate one per season ticket holder who are the most important people because they have committed themselves and, as you rightly said they are getting no discount but they should get benefits and should get first call on away tickets. On the basis that the game is in Edinburgh. After that there will be a few hundred tickets left for priority holders. We could to it another way, giving to priority people first and not all season ticket holders would get one.
I have a real problem denying people something they think they have paid for. I get many letters threatening me with legal action when I take away priorities.
NIT : Is there a serious commitment to replace the main stand?
CR : I'm ambitious. When I leave Hearts I want to say I helped rebuild the stadium. I hope not to walk away before it is done. I'm not making any guarantees. It was a big struggle putting the three other stands up, some gambles were taken. We then got £5 million through a flotation which was amazing. We went 100 mph on these stands. Some of the planning work was not in place till the work was done.
It would take a years planning because the main stand is the hardest one. Where do you put the people? If we had sold the Roseburn Stand where would we put them. I think it will take five years, if not, as soon as possible after that. In an ideal world we would like it earlier.
NIT : Do you realise there is a problem with the ticketing system with fans using the same information twice for matchday tickets.
CR : We are being flexible with people who are not receiving the level of service they should be. People will try to abuse any system if they can. I'll give you an example. For a number of years a guy my age could come into the ticket office and buy a ticket for himself and a concession ticket for an old age pensioner. Concessions are for a child, and this guy is taking advantage of an old age pensioner. He shouldn't be able to do this, but when I mentioned this a while ago I got pelters for it. Another example is an OAP with a full price season ticket coming along to the Ross Co or Lantana game trying to get a ticket for £5. He should pay the going rate for his seat.
NIT: What about administrative charges? Why charge £1 for two tickets in the same envelope?
CR: Hearts are charged a percentage on every transaction. I'm not going to reveal the percentage. but if you come along and buy a ticket for the Scotland game you will be charged £18 plus £1 and it is the same in Virgin Records. The old system would only charge £1 no matter how many tickets, unfortunately there is no way round this with the new system. It is not as high a priority as some of the other problems but we are a aware it is a bug-bear.
NIT : Moving onto the playing side, is there money available to buy quality players instead of quantity. ie the Robbie Winters situation?
CR : Do you think Robbie Winters has not been signed because of funding?
NIT : Well the feedback we are getting is that Hearts were putting together a package to pay over 4 years
CR : What does it matter how it is paid
NIT : That is a problem to other clubs
CR: No it's not. How do you know it is?
NIT: It's my impression
CR : You're talking absolute crap
NIT :Is there funds for the manager?
CR: I will never discuss numbers with the press. We are a listed company. JJ knows what he can and cannot do
NIT : That's not really giving us an answer
CR: I can't give you an answer
NIT: As fans all we want to know is - is there money for players
It doesn't have to go on the record
CR: Switch it off then
Click.............(tape recorder off - you make your own mind up!)
NIT: How are sales of the Jambo going?
CR: Quite well. We changed it. It has some way to go to get the design and quality the old one had. It was losing us money because it was a publishing house. The style layout was quite good but the content was flat and weak and it was losing us money. We felt the Jambo is a good thing and it was a cut above some of the other clubs. A lot of the guys that did it didn't have a feel for Hearts; they had links with other clubs and their scarfs on Saturday were not maroon, but they were professional. So we've taken it in-house and we're trying to get more depth, more reading into it, the balance will take a few issues to get right. Give us feedback on it. Dougie Dalglish is doing it. He's not a publisher or a journalist, but he does have his finger on what is happening and can get in touch with contributors like Dave Mackay, which the previous people were unable to do, they probably wouldn't even know who Dave Mackay was. Fans don't really want a sultry photo of Salvatori, they may want to read more about the playing side. The danger is that it could end up like the second match programme.
NIT: The club badge. There's a feeling that you have gone against the fans wishes in changing it on the strip, and I know you have had a lot of hassle over it.
CR: We said we would change it this year. We said that when the whole issue blew up. Let's be brutal about this. I'm taking a commercial decision and I am paid to do it. You guys don't know the first thing about the history of the club badge. If you did you would know that the badge you hold so dear was changed in the 1950's and there was a big article when we played Dunfermline in the cup final. Look at that photograph there. I've watched this club since the 1950's and the badge you are getting your knickers in a twist about is a modern invention. It was a modern invention which was designed to make the club more olde worldy. The original badge is on the floor in the hall of the club. We've actually gone back towards the real original badge. What you guy's don't like is change.
I don't think the new badge misrepresents the identity of Hearts. The company has a corporate identity, what we do with it is up to us. I have to make commercial decisions to move the club forward, the new badge does that. It doesn't misrepresent the club, it is still a heart, we have enhanced the St Andrews Cross with our Scottish links which is timely. We have defined more clearly the cobbles which represent the high street. Everything about the club now has an image. I'll tell you what was there before. About 18 different colours - it was prostituted over the years. The football in the middle had become distorted. It cost a lot of money to design the new badge and I know the Federation do not like it and at the end of the day it was a vocal minority. Consultation is a nightmare when it involves supporters. There are issues where consultation is essential.
NIT: Can you tell us anything about the new deal with Live TV?
CR: It's just a promotional programme about Hearts. I don't have cable, I've got satellite, I've seen the trailers and they look quite good. We've got a guy in from STV to help. Some of the people from Live TV are a bit lightweight and amateur so I am a bit concerned about the quality of the programme, but there is no money in it for Hearts. It's something to whet the appetite of the supporters. There's no extra cost for existing cable customers.
NIT: What was the problem with the catering in the main stand?
CR: There was no problem with the catering (sorry, I still get prickly because I used to deal with that side of things). The kiosks don't have metal shutters. The latest version of the "Green Guide" was issued (it's a byproduct of the Taylor report and is the bible when it comes to stadia. It is a document which is prescriptive to the n'th degree covering barriers, turnstiles, number of stewards among many other things).
Over the summer on the basis of the new green Guide a "factor" was placed on the old stand which meant that the capacity of the main stand would have to be reduced quite severely, our first notion was of 1600. There's only about 2,600 odd seats up there. We'd won the cup and we expected a lot of full houses. The only way round it was closing the kiosks which were considered a fire hazard. The kiosks themselves have a high "Green guide factor" themselves because that's where combustible material exists, heaters etc. So we had a choice to close them or reduce the capacity. We're still waiting for the results of a report. The verbal report was not very encouraging.
It's going to cost us £15,000 to fix the problems. I had a crunch meeting with the supporters in that stand because they are getting agitated, especially when the weather gets colder. We have an agreement to reduce the capacity of that stand by 800 for small games and keep the kiosks open. To be able to do that you won't be able to walk up and pay at the gate. But for big games we will sell the 800 tickets and close the kiosks again but if we can get the problems fixed before the big games in December then the problem is solved. Life is a real bitch sometimes. I can't compromise on supporter safety. If people die in a fire here how can I live with myself if I forced the authorities to breach the safety code.
NIT: How do you react to the vote of no confidence from the Federation?
CR: Why should I react to that?
NIT: They represent 2,000 fans who must have a grievance going back to the cup final ticket allocation, the badge, the season tickets and general mounting issues for instance the time you were quoted as calling the Hearts fans "parasites" at the BP Youth Cup Final.
CR: What I said was that they were "pathetic". These were 5 individuals. You should see some of these guys sometimes. What you had was people who were not prepared to pay a fiver to see the laddies playing in the BP Youth Cup. We put it in the Evening News and the SFA advertised the game but because they had a wee card in their season ticket book they were prepared to argue till the cows come home. They even called down an Evening News photographer to see them do it. Tell me, would I have the confidence of these guys if I hadn't put the money up, because I'll tell you what, the supporters Federation would have been sitting on a tip here if I hadn't come forward, so hell mend them because they have short memories going back to what it was four years ago. If I listened to the Federation this club would never make any progress. My job is to make hard decisions which some supporters don't like. If that sounds a bit Jock Brownish then I apologise because I don't think I am like that.
NIT: Is there any point in having a Federation? The impression I'm getting here is that you don't have any great love for the Federation. There has to be some consultation and understanding.
CR: I have meetings in this office regularly with various members of the committee. These guys are crawling in here looking for help and advice then they are going back to their members and saying let's vote no confidence. So What? On the one hand they are crawling up us to make sure they get their tickets for Mallorca. It's two faced stuff.
NIT: Are you quite pleased with the progress of the new club shop, it is certainly better than we had before.
CR: I think the shop is great, I think the range of merchandise is great. I think some of the comments about the shop are out of order. Some of the fanzines say the range of goods is not good enough and there should be more cheap trinkets, others complain that it is already full of cheap trinkets. You can't win because people are looking for quality and we have to find a balance. When I look at other club shops the reality is we are doing no different. What we sell is branded for Rangers Celtic and Man.Utd. It is all the same stuff just with our logo on it. Off the field all clubs have great relationships and we help each other out. There is great rivalry on the field but not off the field.
NIT: Was the Sky deal for Thursday (Mallorca) something that just came up out of the blue or was it held up deliberately?
CR: Do you think it was deliberate? No, quite honestly I could lie to you, but the deal was done on Friday afternoon and it wasn't done for the benefit of any UK audience. It was done because it was going out to Spain to give Hearts a little prestige. The sad reality is that neither STV or BBC would take it even for highlights. There must be more money coming out of Jerusalem.
NIT: Well thanks for your time it is much appreciated.
CR: We're always accessible to people whether it is fanzines or otherwise. As far as we are concerned our relationship with fanzines is that they are there, they are a reality. They don't necessarily represent the views of the supporters but they do represent the views of some of the supporters and we do take into account what we read and hear. We'll have a go at you through the Jambo, you've got to take it on the chin as well. If we think you are being arrogant or pompous or stupid we'll do it, that is the nature of it. But we're not about to do it out of nastiness. It doesn't have to be justified, some of the stuff fanzines do is cruel and disgraceful to some players and other teams and it is not really justified but it wouldn't be a fanzine if it didn't do that. Things about Darren Jackson and the Hibs, I love reading it it is a good laugh but don't be surprised if we pick up your next issue and have a go at you. You have a very narrow perspective. You don't see the full picture. You can only critcise on the basis of what you know. We have the full picture to work from. I don't mind criticism, it goes with the job. I'm not here to be popular. Nobody likes to be given a vote of no confidence but at the end of the day I've got more confidence in myself than any of these guys have. I could do twice the job some of the guys in the Federation could do, and I hold my hands up and say when I get it wrong.
I could be arrogant and say that I don't care, but I do care. I am a Hearts supporter I want to do well. The Federation never do anything constructive, all they do is criticise. If they were prepared to be constructive then I would have a lot more time for them, but there is nothing constructive. Have you ever seen them being constructive?
NIT: Craig Levein's testimonial is an example
CR: If we listened to the Federation Craig Levein would be on the backroom staff at Tynecastle. Alan McLaren is on the backroom staff at Rangers, I'm afraid we're not that kind of business. We're neither big enough nor do people want them and they are not wanted by people here. You've got to remember that the internal politics of Hearts are governed by the people who work here and not by lowest end of the spectrum of spectators. We've dealt with these guys over the years at Hearts and we know how much money they had in their pockets. We know what they have and haven't done for Hearts. What you see in 90 minutes on a Saturday is only part of the picture and I would justify our stance and our position anytime. It's a bit like poor Fergus at Celtic. He won the league championship, built arguably the best stadium in Britain yet he still gets booed and heckled. Maybe they've got a problem with Jock Brown.
THIS IS THE START OF THE ATB QUESTIONS - THE NIT REPORTERS WERE STILL PRESENT
ATB: Chief Exec at Hearts, what does the average day entail?
CR: There's no such thing as an average day. I suppose I work 50-60 hours working a week, I spend about 2 or 3 days a month on SFA business because I'm on a lot of committees. I don't spend any time on the SPL now. The average day involve meetings with staff and the manager if he is around (he spends a lot of time travelling); correspondence mail, trying to sort out deals and trying to get the finances here sorted out, which is still quite a big job.
I only committed myself to be full time here about 15 months ago. If you use the analogy of Jim Jefferies on the pitch, my success is about a year and a half away. I'm putting my team in place in the same way as he has brought his players in. In the last 6 months I've brought it a new financial director, a conference & banqueting manager, a PR manager, A personal assistant. I've still got some crucial areas to get done. What's not been done is what is causing the difficulty. It's quite difficulty because every time you sack somebody or move somebody on the papers come out and do a number on me "the hatchet man". All I'm doing is putting my own people in place, people I can trust and people I know can do the job and that's quite a time consuming process.
Another thing that's happened that is quite difficult is that everything here is new, the offices have been remodelled. We're doing software
training and we've probably taken too much on, but the whole operation of the stadium had been turned around in the last year from being done in-house to being outsourced. We've totally turned it around. A major part of the work was getting the stadium into some sort of shape. Out of the first four years I have been at the helm, three of those years have been spent firefighting, stabilising, and trying to keep the company afloat. It was a terrible juggling act. I decided after the flotation to make myself full time. I reckon we are a year away from having an organisation to match what is happening on the park. They only way we will succeed at Hearts is if both are working and unfortunately some of the off the park is not working - a hell of a lot if it is but the reasons for not working is mainly software
ATB: What is the best and worst parts of the job?
CR: Losing is the worst because when I come in on a Monday morning it affects some of the staff. I can't walk about like a wet blanket. I can't control it, neither can Jim Jefferies. The worst parts are getting letters from supporters complaining about bad service whether it is tickets or the shop. The hard think to get through to the staff is that if Marks & Spencer give bad customer service their customers will go elsewhere, but we can't do that. Our customers cannot go elsewhere. When we let them down we hurt their loyalty to Hearts.
We don't have to just give a good level of service, we have to give an exceptional service because the supporters demand and expect it. They've paid top-dollar for their tickets, they're paying for a strip which in real terms is overpriced but that is the market for football strips. They give us the money because they believe it is going into a pot for better players. It's really frustrating when you see how bad things can be for a customer. The superstore is beginning to work. If you phone the superstore you get an answer you get an answer "Hearts superstore, Ailsa here how can I help you?". Whereas if you phone the ticket office they'll not give you their name in case you write to me and ask me to sack her because she's hopeless.
ATB: Susan Bonnar has left for pastures new?
CR: Yes, she left on Saturday. It was totally amicable. Not everyone works for you all the time. She was here for 15-16 months. The references on which we took her here suggested she would last about a year. She added a little something which we needed at the time. She has a stack of CV's
ATB: On the back of a trophy win are you worried that there has not been an increase in attendances at Tynecastle?
CR: We have these debates at board level. Some of the members think we should be getting 25,000 every week. Other people say we'd be hard stretched. I don't think anybody knows what the real audience for Hearts is yet but there is a hard core which is growing. I'd like to think over the years it will grow steadily but we are expectant. We could look at Motherwell and reduce our prices. It's a big step reducing prices to a fiver just to fill up seats. I'm not disappointed, our gates are not that bad, because we are capturing more and more people with season tickets. I think that a lot of people were waiting for a trophy for so long and now they've got it they are quite happy to play golf on a Saturday.
ATB: Winning the cup was so special that winning another one would never be the same. We want more success.
CR: I'll tell you a wee story from about 10 days before the cup final. I'm accessible to people and I even phone people at night. This guy phoned me and said "I want to complain about your cup final celebrations - you're going to parade the trophy on a Sunday". He'd heard what we were planning to do because we'd had police meetings and I said "so what?" I said to him "when was the last time you saw the cup paraded on a Saturday?" 1956 obviously. I then asked him "who says it has to be on a Saturday in 1998"? I'm faced with that all the time. This was an ordinary articulate guy almost swearing and screaming down the phone because he didn't agree with the way we were going to parade the cup. Was that the right thing to do.
Everybody has preconceived notions. At the end of the day I sit down and decide how it happens. It is a different era now. There's blood testing after the game, there are people unable to travel here on a Saturday, and what about the wives and family if the players. The first thing on Monday morning I received a batch of complaints. "Why couldn't I take my father into the stadium on Sunday when I'm a season ticket holder and he's not"? But there's 10,000 season ticket holders and if they all bring a friend they will not all get in. Nothing that you do will ever satisfy people.
ATB: Coventry friendly, 6,500 turned up - why? Should it have been included in the season ticket?
CR: I didn't even want the game. I believe it was a waste of time and space. It cost us a huge chunk of money. We picked up the tab for it, just to have Coventry play a pre-season friendly. With the benefit of hindsight we may have done something different. Hearts fans don't normally come out for friendlies or testimonials.
There's a few more questions which ATB asked but we think 12 pages is enough, and this is all we have on our dictaphone. If you would like to get the rest, send a stamp to the NIT address.
We'd like to thank Chris Robinson for over 2 hours of his time.
HEARTS L!VE
September 18th 1998 will go down in history for all football fans in Edinburgh, because it was the day that we launched Hearts Live on local cable station, Edinburgh Live. Working in partnership with and with the full co-operation of the club we have created a first in Scotland, the first twice weekly television show totally devoted to one football team, in this case Heart of Midlothian Football Club.
What we are trying to do is bring Tynecastle and Hearts to the fans more than just once a fortnight when they can get to the match. We will be looking at all aspects of Hearts and what goes on at Tynecastle -not just the exciting stuff at the match but also the day to day workings of a football club. We are talking to the players about their love affairs with the club and their ambitions, with the management about the team and the battles they face in the league and cup competitions this season and with the chairman and the chief executive about those day to day decisions that they have to make which affect the club. We also have studio guests to give us their opinions on what's been happening at Tynecastle each week - so far Jim Jefferies, Dave McPherson, Billy Brown and Gary Mackay have come along and shared their opinions and experiences with us.
So what have you missed if you didn't know about Hearts Live until now?
Well we've had player profiles on Stephane Adam, Gary Locke, Dave McPherson and Gilles Roussett , we've talked to Hearts Heroes John Robertson, Craig Levein, Gary Mackay and Arthur Mann and we have talked to celebrity Jambos Stephen Hendry and the Lord Provost Eric Milligan. If that's not enough we've had all the action and reaction from the League, Cup and European action so far this season So if you want to get to the Heart of Tynecastle, make sure you tune into Hearts Live every Monday and Friday evening at 6:30 on Edinburgh Live.
Talk to you all soon
Lisa Doherty
(Assistant Producer)
"Lets hear you get right behind the TEAM!!"
I went to my first football match nine years ago. I'd never really been interested in football (being a girl!), but thought I'd give it a go. Ironically, it was Hearts at home to Dundee that day as well. We went 2-0 up in as many minutes, and went on to win 6-3. I was hooked.
There's a few things I remember really clearly about that day. How much smaller a pitch looks in real life compared to on television. Henry Smith's haircut. That £4 seemed expensive to stand in a shed. But one thing absolutely astonished me: How people spent ninety minutes hurling abuse at the very team they wouldn't otherwise hear a word against. I'd seen these self same people on the verge of starting a fight if anyone called their team shite if they were in the local pub - yet here they were calling them for everything.
Now it's 1998, I'm older and wiser to the ways of football matches and football supporters. But I am still left speechless by the boo boys and the constant moaners. To me, the very name supporter means that - to support. To encourage. How would any of us feel if we were at our place of work, doing our job, with eight thousand amateurs breathing down our necks shouting and swearing about how useless we are? Screaming and yelling that they know better?
When it's a few moaners at a reasonable Hearts performance, it can be almost funny. Where I sit in block B, I've started timing it until the first "That's f***ing terrible, Hearts!", the first "Where's the midfield?", and the first "They're giving these c***s too much respect!". (All within the first ten minutes on Saturday, by the way). But when faced with a.. ahem... lacklustre performance like against Dundee at the weekend, the few moans build up into a stream of abuse. No songs, no support, no encouragement to lift the game, just plain abuse.
And don't think the players can't here it, and it doesn't put them off. At one point on Saturday, David Weir made what appeared to be an error of judgement in not passing to Locke who looked well-placed in space. Those around me went mental - and Weir literally stopped, turned round, and looked up at us with a quizzical "what-did-I-do-wrong-and-will-you-please-get-off-my-back" look.
I know that performance on Saturday would stretch anybody's patience and understanding, but we did nothing to help the team. I know people blame the all-seater stadium for killing the singing. I know we've tasted success, and we like the taste, and it's hard to contemplate a return to watching mediochre perfomances trying to grind out relegation-avoiding results. But think about it: we don't want to start behaving like Rangers fans, and that's what it looked like to me on Saturday. Sit in stoney silence when things aren't going your way, hurl abuse at the team you allegedly support when things start getting worse, and stream towards the exits when the second goal against you goes in.
So c'mon guys, as the man says every week, as hard as it sometimes is -
let's hear you get right behind the team.
Dianne Dootson
A Tale of dastardly Deeds in Edinburgh EH7
Twas in the bad old days, when the fair maiden had fallen into bad company, sullying her honour by mixing with the Robber Baron's Duff and Gray (Cursed be their names). The Fair Maidens followers were taxed rotten, or at least the one's who were daft enough to invest in the dodgy schemes were. Naught came to fruition. And dead run down became the Fair Maidens house.
Just when it appeared that things couldn't get any worse, they took a definite downward turn. For who should appear on the scene but the biggest, baddest, Robber Baron of them all, The Black Knight himself. Or Wallace Mercer as we knew him. He gave the Fair Maiden an offer of marriage, in which he promised to look after the Fair Maiden into her dotage, in return for certain favours, namely that she should give up her titles to Edinburgh EH7, and transfer her followers to Edinburgh EH11, better known as the Castle upon the Tyne.
Much wailing, gnashing of teeth, and rending of clothing was to heard from that neck of the woods better known as Easter Road. "Hands off Hibs", they said. Just before the Black Knight could have his evil way with the Fair Maiden, who should hove into view, none other than the White Knight himself. Crying "unhand the Fair Maiden". He did plight his troth. Saying "I shall save your honour Fair Maiden, you may continue to live in Easter Road, provided of course certain conditions are met". "In return for seeing off The Black Knight, I shall undertake to see that no one else may try to take advantage of you again, but it will cost you, your house. Which you can rent back from me at a very reasonable rate, any improvements to the house will be made at your expense, and to my advantage, and your followers may feel free to chip in too".
And Lo there was much cheering and celebrating. The Evil One had been shown the door, a good deal had been struck, it was back to business.
Time passed and the Fair Maidens clothes were beginning to look just a tad threadbare. Her followers began to plead with the White Knight, "Please good Sir, could you lend us a few Quid"?. But the White Knight had become much deaf in that ear, and back came the reply. "Away and work"!!!.
Later that Season the bottom fell out of the Fair Maidens world, or to be more precise the Maiden fell out of everybody else's world – Relegated - . And with that once more was heard the sound of wailing, gnashing of teeth, and the rending of clothing. This time the Maidens followers had a cunning change of ploy up their sleeves lets change our slogan to "Hands on Hibs". Brilliant they cried, (although if the truth be told, if they had managed to get their hands on some of them, we would have been watching some very gory trials up at The High Court about now). But still did the White Knight throw a deafy.
But 'tis a hard lesson that the followers of the Fair Maiden have had to learn. Namely that the Black Knight was not that far of the mark, in that there is room for only one Club in Edinburgh, and one Club alone if we seriously want to challenge the barbarian hordes from the West. And its very much the case that the Fair Maiden and her followers have forfeited that right by no ones hand but their own. Bye Bye suckers.
'Tis a sorrowful tale but hard cheese as they used to say.
Bob Taylor.
Yours in debt
Dear NIT,
An issue which has been brought up many a time before has got me wondering, "Why do full time students have to pay full price season tickets / admission prices?" I'm starting university this year and money is disappearing at the rate of knots but ever since I renewed my season ticket my bank account has virtually folded. I've had my seat for 5 years now and at first I thought it was good value for money but when I got my application form through the post I couldn't believe it. £285 ! ! Thats £30 more than last season and Chris & co are giving us less tickets than last year ie only 1 ticket for both the league and Scottish Cup. Good value for money? Yeh right!
Back to the student issue. Because I'm a new student I've to pay £1000 tuition fees which means my grant check is only a pissy £325 per year. When you consider the expenses eg. transport, textbooks, study material, drink(!), rent, bills, food etc,etc your'e left with sweet £a. for the football. And as far as I'm concerned money or no money, football is a necessity. So where will the cash come from? Well if youv'e any going spare drop me a line. But seriously there's only one solution - Why don't all Scottish clubs provide student prices? A good idea I hear you say? Well not according to the vast majority of chairmen who try to milk you out of every penny you have. So in the end we all have to face the reality - IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.
Anyway good luck to Jim, Billy and the team for the coming season and hopefully more Jarnbos in the Scotland squad.
Yours in debt,
Donna Mackey
P. S. A really bad joke -
Q. What does a female Hibs fan have in common with Glenn Hoddle?
A. They'd both rather have Seaman than Flowers!
"THEY DIVE, THEY FALL THEIR GOALPOSTS ARE TOO SMALL, MAJORCA, MAJORCA"
This is the story of Linlithgow & District Hearts trip to Mallorca (writes Pie), hereinafter referred to as "the best effing trip we have ever been on".
(Some real names have been withheld to protect the guilty from possible indecency charges and divorce proceedings)
The trip begins (naturally) in Lithgae on Monday. On any given trip you have your fair share of "quotes", we had to wait all of five minutes for the first one. "I got 6 tins of Miller for a fiver, £1 a tin isn't bad" said Eric. This, from the club treasurer! We waited until we got on the London train before cracking open the carry-out, all that is except Callum who had his drunk before the train even departed from Auld Reekie. I had the good fortune to get a seat opposite the really good looking lassie and later I walked into the toilet while she was on it (oops). Pulling into Darlington station El Grando asks "who plays here?" He's led a sheltered life!
By the time we reached Kings Cross the carry-out was finished and Bobby was pissed. We are about to have our first fall-out. Someone told us not to buy a ticket, someone else told us to buy a ticket for the next station out of Kings Cross and just stay on the train to Gatwick. We saved about a fiver and we even got propositioned by a tart, £10 for a Monica, £20 the works - she was wasting her time in our state! On arrival at Gatwick the bad news was that the only place open was McDonalds (which was good news reallysince we'd had enough booze). We checked in and promptly went to sleep. There were bodies everywhere. The flight was uneventful, apart from the customary trip to the toilet brought on by the turbulence.
Finally we arrived in Palma and treated the other passengers to our catalogue of songs before collecting our luggage. We hit the airport bar and waited for the team. Meanwhile George Wright appeared with a camera crew and interviewed the NIT team for the TV back home. Then a local TV station, radio station and press arrived, saw the kilts and came over for photos and a song. We felt like celebrities and found out later that we were all over the papers. The team finally arrived after being delayed (more time in the bar), so we got the 85 foot flag out (Ian measured it by the amount of floor tiles it covered - boring bastard!) We were a little disappointed because Chris Robinson ignored us and only a few players acknowledged we were there. 
Finally at the hotel (shared by eight of us) we showered and headed for the beach to challenge the locals (to football). Suitably knackered, we headed back for the hotel to change for the evening. We collected the passports for safekeeping (what a motley crue). We had Pancho Fleming, Hannibal Lechter and Baby Face Hogg (how does he get served in pubs?). Anyway, this was day one of many and we were supposed to be taking it easy (best laid plans etc...). We went to the Manchester Bar and watched the Liverpool game until most of us fell asleep, so we decided to get the kit off Nancy and Kim which we achieved at some cost. It's a shame they were only computer strippers. Some of Manor Hearts were in and we sang them the new European Song and they were impressed. So much so that they said they knew the words to the old European song. Better still, they said they were the first to sing it (but we know different). So, day one in Majorca draws to an end at around 2:30am.
Wednesday. There's something un-nerving about waking up, when the first thing you see are two naked men lying next to each other. First on the agenda was a challenge match pre-arranged last night with a group of English. It might as well have been Estonians because the shitebags never turned up! We played ourselves but the midday sun got the better of us. We asked Stevie from Greenock if he would like to tag along with us as he was by himself but he declined and said we were all piss-heads - honest or what? We then headed for Palma and to the stadium where we'd heard Radio Forth were doing a Roadshow. First impressions were that it was a bit of a dump there was no sign of the roadshow. Oh well, back to the pub - the NIT pub to be precise. After the customary photo session it was time to sit back and eye up the stunning local talent. After that it was back to home base and a chinky to set us up for Magaluf at night.
At the bus stop we were all lined up in our kilts by the roadside when a cyclist went past. He looked at us, took his eyes off the road and consequently hit the stationary car in front of him, went over the handlebars and the bike landed on top of him. Oh how we could all have done with the £250 for the video of that!
Magalluf. 11:00pm and we've not had a drink since lunch. There's fanny everywhere. All the way into the centre they want to know if we are true Scots. This is where one in our midst got the nickname El grande. We came across some of the Queensferry boys and submerged ourselves in nostalgia by singing old SQBBL songs from the 1970's and early 80's. By now the pace had quickened and at the next bar they were selling 2 beers and a snapps for £1.80. It was Ian's round and he bought a double. Here's a question. In a bar where it is standing room only, how are you meant to hold four beers at a time? And where do you put the snapps? We managed. More girls asking for a peek under the kilt. We gave them the old "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" routine and were instantly presented with a fine array of pelts. By now the party was in full swing and all the songs were being sung. "Tops off if you hate hibees" had all the boys going, but the girls were reluctant. Someone started a conga to the pub across the road and everyone was in really high spirits which was enough to attract plod. You're not allowed to drink in the street here unless you are in the vicinity of a bar so we found a quieter one.
After a chat with a manic depressive we met club 18-30 rep who boasted she could get 4 or 5 guys a night if she wanted. What she wanted was none of us. Who told her she was good looking anyway? Stevie Wonder? I told her she was a dyke. The night looked to be ending on a low point. That was until mr Big walked in. John "hibee bastard" Leslie no less. He seemed a bit arrogant and seemed to view us all as peasants which made things even worse for him. I got talking to his mate and it seems they play for a team called London Hibs along with big Hee haw's wee brother, If Davie comes to our dance I'll have to have a word. Talking of personalities, people kept coming up to us and asking us if we were the guys seen in the paper at the airport. I told them to go and see my agent!
As the dawn approached the company becomes more optimistic. Is it because of the huge support, is it the drink? Who knows. In a money saving exercise we get the bus back. Magaluf was great, but it was nice to be back in C'an Pastilla. Mercifully sleep overcomes us at about 10:00am.
Matchday. 2 hours kip - what a great preparation for the festival ahead! After brunch it was back to Palma. On the bus we talk about the night before and realise why it was such a cheap night. Ian had handed over a 2000 peseta note and got change of a 5000. Revenge before the crime I suppose you could say.
We're among the first to arrive. Manchester Hearts turn up with their big flag so we decided to show them what a real flag looks like. The bar staff are impressed with our behaviour and invite us back after the game. On the way to the game we walked with our 85 foot flag and stopped traffic all the way. The ground is still a dump, even in the dark. There's a good atmosphere inside the ground and both sets of fans are mingling. The Hearts fans were split down the middle by a few hundred Mallorcans and this made it really difficult to get the support "going". I can't believe that so many travelled so far to see the team and refused to support them vocally. We missed much of the first half because we were facing our own support in a vain attempt to get them to sing. Changed days. Over the tannoy they asked the Hearts fans to sit down. We replied with "Stand up if you hate hibees".
The Mallorcans were right behind their team. 3-4 drums, a microphone and a loud clapping noise over the tannoy. The only relief we got from their noise was at half time. After we scored we thought we had a chance but it wasn't to be. After the ritual "we'll support you evermore" and the swapping of scarves it was down to business. Palma or Magaluf? Palma won. We found a quiet pub right next to a pub hoaching with Jambos who couldn't get served because it was so busy. Some people are really stupid. Later we found the NIT pub again but it wasn't busy, in fact Palma wasn't busy so we headed back.
We get (nearly) a full nights sleep - well 5 hours anyway. Now that the stupid football is out of the way we can concentrate on the things people come to Majorca to do. The beach next day is full of rumours. Jose's gone to Motherwell. Scott Booth and Darren Jackson are coming to Tynie. Colin Cameron is finished for good. None of it is in the papers so we treat this news with the contempt it
deserves. Sods law, Friday was the coolest and windiest day of the week which was disappointing. What did we do? We played tig on a huge climbing frame in our kilts (a great view for any tourist with a camera!)
A decision was made at lunchtime to go to Arenal tonight. Stuart made up the song that gives this article the title (we even had the actions to go with it). Arenal is like little Deutschland. Still, it makes a difference from ordering drinks in Spanish. We found a place called Bogarts which was crawling with Livvy boys. It's a brilliant pub, the best yet. One of the tricks of the barman was to slip his false teeth into your glass when you were not looking. He was a bit pissed when I downed mine in a oner anyway. Two local girls came into the bar and one of them said I looked like that chap Di Caprio. She must be bloody stupid, i'm a sagatarius. The place was really jumping and somebody was smoking hash, the place was stinking, and Bobby swears he saw Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse chasing him on the way back to the hotel!
Saturday : our last day in Majorca and it time to pack the crusty socks and the smelly kegs. It's a bit of an anti-climax so we go down on the beach and video the topless girls (where were they on Wednesday?). Just time to watch ManU stuff Southampton before we depart for the airport. I get the feeling it's going to be a log day when Bobby starts singing "it's raining frogs, hallelujah". There's an hours delay on our flight which is OK, since there's a 10 hour delay on the Glasgow flight. There were some English on the flight and I did smile when one of them spewed on the floor. They tried to chat up some Scottish girls but the Jambos intervened: Scotland 1 England 0. Bobby then remarked that this was the longest trip we've ever taken to a home game. The train from London is quiet. It's Sunday morning and basically, we're all knackered. The St.Johnstone game awaits. If we're lucky we will make the kick off...but will any of us be able to stay awake for the whole game?
Looking back, this was a dream draw. Probably the best trip we've ever been on. The plan originally was to take it easy, and ensure we all got a good sleep the night before the game. best laid plans etc etc... We learned several things on the trip. Never assume Grant (delay) is listening,never leave anything in the fridge when Stuart's around and finally, despite the result, even if money is tight, you really have to make sure you don't miss out on European trips like this!
God bless the Hearts.....Pie
No More Flag Articles
Please let there be no more articles on flags of any nation at Tynecastle as it's beginning to piss me off!
The Relic
Disaster Waiting to Happen
How much longer can we hold on to Jim Jefferies? And who will be his replacement? It might sound a bit dramatic but we have to be realistic and realise that we can't hold onto God forever, even if he is a die hard Jambo through and through. During the close season a couple of premiership teams were mentioning his name as replacements for their teams failed managers but I'm glad nobody made any sort of approach for him. How much longer can this go on for though? Although it's hard to believe, there are bigger and better clubs out there than Heart of Midlothian who pay their managers a lot more money and give them a hell of a lot more money to spend on players. If we can repeat what we done last season and do a bit better in the league - I genuinely believe we can win it - then I'm sure clubs from England and Europe will be after our man in charge. Would Jim leave after what he went through to get here? There's only one man who can answer that but we can only enjoy the time that he's here and pray that he wouldn't want to leave for another team.
The Relic
Sell Davie Weir
It's looking more and more likely that David Weir will be leaving Hearts at the end of the season, as he's not signing a new contract. This means that Hearts will get nothing for the World class defender, as he'll join another club on a free. I like Weir a lot and think he's our best and most consistent player, but if he's not signed a new contract by Chris;~nas then we should be looking to sell him for around 2 - 3m. And not to sell him to Rangers or Celtic. With Pressley and McKinnon's arrival and Dave McPherson waiting to return we are well covered in defence and I'm sure Jefferies could find somebody else with the money if need be. Let's hope Weir does the sensible thing and signs a new contract, wh ch keeps him at Tynecastle for at least another couple of seasons.
The Relic
Lantana comes to Lithgae
When Hearts drew Lantana F.C. in the Cup Winners Cup rumours started to fly round the town that they had chosen Linlithgow as their base, when our local journalist " Vic the scoop" revealed in his column that Lantana were staying in the Star and Garter Hotel we then knew there must be some truth in the rumour.
We at Linlithgow & District Hearts S.C, decided we should commemorate this historic event . What will we present them with was the question. A decanter and glasses, something Scottish, a haggis was the reply, something to do with the town, easier said than done (all we could find was a glass or mug with the town crest.) We eventually decided on a Quiach (Scottish friendship cup)
Lantana duly arrived on the Tuesday night before the match, amazed to say the least with all the media attention, Sky TV, STV, Edinburgh Live and a host of newspaper journalists all there to welcome them . The team and their party all thre of them refused the whisky offered by Grant the hotel manager. The young team carrying their own kit disappeared to their rooms leaving the coach and the interpetor to answer any questions.
The newspapers the following day used the story to basically ridicule Lantana maybe they were short of any pedigree but the coverage was unwarranted and over the top. They used the facilities offered by Linlithgow Rose F.C. to train even borrowing balls as they only had one ball with them. The team wandered around the town like any other tourist visiting the sights offering to sell their cigarettes to anyone interested, They also visited Tesco I'm told where they were amazed at the array of foods on offer without actually buying anything.
When the night of the match arrived they were ferried to Tynecastle by Parks of Hamilton courtesy of Hearts accompanied by a Police escort. After the match they returned around about 1 0.30pm obviously disappointed at the result, they sat down to their Chicken Maryland refused our offer of a drink and got stuck into the Irn Bru instead.
We presented them with the Quiach at 11.30p.m. where around 30 of our members had stayed behind to show our appreciation and applaud the way Lantana had tried to play the match. We explained this was a presentation from the local people as by now they were sick of all the attention they had received. We were thanked and given small pendants as a thank you for our hospitality, the team disappeared to their rooms, around about midnight a couple of player appeared shifted and sneaked out the side door, I can only take it no one told them Lithgie closed at midnight.
The manager of the Star told us they were perfect guest and left their rooms spotless, when they left in the morning the media wagon had gone and these quiet humble young men returned to Estonia still dazed with all the attention their visit had attracted, as the inscription on the Quiach said "Haste ye Back", after all if we draw Lazio in the future I just can't imagine them choosing Lithgie to stay.
P,S. The ticket pricing for the Lantana game in Estonia was only £1.50 but Chris Robinson charged the Hearts fans a tenner as a favour to the Estonians to give the m some much needed cash as they only play to a couple of hundred, he assures us the money was given to the Estonians, He also told us that Hearts were offered any player they wanted after the match at Tynecastle for in his words 'pennies'
Kev Thomas
As I write this article Jim JefiSeries is looking to add another striker to the squad. Already we have the superb Stephane Adam, Jim Hamilton, Derek Holmes, Thomas Flogel, Jose Quitongo and Neil McCarm. The last two have been used up front at times. That's potentially then six forwards who have been used to some effect over the last two seasons. I always like to see new faces at Tynecastle, but before God goes out and spends money Hearts don't really have why doesn't he give Kevin Thomas one last chance? I've went on about this before in this fanzine and it's still something that annoys me as he's not a bad player who's still banging in the goals in the under 21 's. I've heard a nasty rumour that the reason he's not playing in the first team is because he threw a punch at Gary Locke's Dad at a Hearts function earlier this year, which upset both Gary Locke and Jim Jefferies. I don't really believe this to be the reason why he's not in the squad so why is he still at Tynecastle wasting away. I'd like to see him getting a run as I'm sure he'd do well. Besides I can't stand that lazy bastard Hamilton even though he scores a few.
The Relic
STOP PRESS
LEITH, Sept 10 - Recently relegated Edinburgh team Hibernian FC are in talks with the Lothian Herald and Post group, the media company said this morning.
It is thought that the free newspaper publisher has offered two cans of Tennents Super for the former league cup winners (1903).
Concern was raised that the deal might create unfair competition between former contenders Hibs and other first division teams, such as Stranraer, given the dominance of the Herald & Post in the classified advertising market in the Edinburgh area.
However, none of the notoriously fickle "Hibs luvvies" (Irvine Welsh and Catherine Zeta Jones) had anything to say on the subject.
A spokesman for the publishers commented "We have no intention of abusing our position. All we're going to do is use the players to carry adverts for second hand cars and furniture which would normally appear in the paper. They move slowly enough for the text to be read clearly".
Steve Crawford is unwell.
To the tune of "Stand By Me" by Oasis.
BEAT THE HIBS AND THEY'LL BE DOWN BY SUNDAY
THEY'VE GOT A LOT OF THINGS TO LEARN
SAID WE WOULD AND WE'LL BE WINNING SOMEDAY
BEFORE THE CENTURY STARTS TO TURN
SO WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? SING ME SOMETHING NEW
DON'T YOU KNOW
THE HIBS AND CELTS AND GERS DON'T KNOW
THEY ONLY SEEM TO COME AND RUN AWAY
HMFC!
NOBODY KNOWS, WE'RE GONNA WIN THE LEAGUE
HMFC!
NOBODY KNOWS, WE'RE GONNA WIN THE LEAGUE
TIMES ARE HARD THE HIBS HAVE GOT NO MONEY
THEY'RE PLAYING IN DIVISION ONE
THIS SEASON WHEN THEY'RE PLAYING STRANRAER
WHEN BE PLAYING THE TIMS AND THE HUNS
SO WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU etc etc
and if anyone can think of something after this bit...
Dougie Grant
Wheatfield D29-19
...ONLINE...
It wouldn't take a genius to work out that the fans message forum, Kickback, on the Official Hearts site has been full of messages regarding the mess that UEFA have made of the match in Mallorca. With the odd exception everyone believes that we have been treated very harshly. There is also a feeling on the forum that had the roles been reversed and it had been the Spanish who were doing the complaining, then they would probably have had had their appeal heard.
Another message that has been reoccurring is that lack of support from the SFA. It now appears that Jim Farry has wiped his hands clean of this issue and basically left Hearts to fight the case on their own. This is particularly disappointing when you take in account the fact that Mallorca seem to have not only the Spanish Federation, but also some of their big clubs, Real Madrid, in particular, backing their case.
"Thanks for SFA Jim!!!".
Onto other issues now and its pleasing to see so many new Hearts websites. Obviously the cup win has inspired people to get their keyboards out and have a go at creating their own site. We now have somewhere in the region of 20 odd sites dedicated to the Jambos. Particularly pleasing is the number of supporters clubs who are now on the net. If any supporters club wants their own website but doesn't know how to go about it then get in touch with me at the email address above. Finally we now have match reports for all the Under 18 and Under 21 games on the NIT site. Thanks to Peter Houston for taking the time to provide these reports.
Cheers
Grant
Jason Valentine, a Dundee United fan who has been bombarding the fans message forum, KICKBACK, has become only the second person to have their access to the site removed. Most of us are against censorship on the internet but his constant drivel and abusive comments have led most of us to say "Good riddance to bad rubbish
By the time you read this, the No Idle Talk…Online… website, should have had its 30,000 hit. Not bad for an unofficial website.
For anyone with access to email, let UEFA know how you feel about their decision over our protest about the shambles in Mallorca. Their email address is info@uefa.com
16 FACTS ABOUT HEARTS IN EUROPE
- Since the start of European Competition Hearts have played 48 matches
- The 48 matches has involved 23 ties (2 ties went to a 3rd game)
- Of the 23 ties, Hearts have won 9 and lost 14
- Our overall record is Played 48 won 18 drawn 10 lost 20 goals for 68 against 73
- A total of 38 different players have scored European Goals for Hearts
- Top scorer is John Robertson with 7 goals between 1984 and 1993
- After Robbo, Willie Wallace and Mike Galloway are next with 5 goals, and Wayne Foster (unbelievably with 4 goals).
- Mike Galloway scored all 5 of his goals in one European campaign in 1986
- The great Willie Bauld scored 2 goals in Europe (both against Standard Liege in 1958)
- Although 23 ties is not a huge number, Hearts have never been drawn against any Dutch, Danish, Polish, Hungarian, Romanian or Turkish team.
- Hearts biggest single win is 5-1 against Locomotiv Leipzig of (then) East Germany in 1976
- Hearts biggest aggregate win is 6-0 against Lantana this year
- Hearts biggest single loss is 1-5 in our very first European tie in 1958 against Standard Liege (it was Hearts first ever game in Europe and believe it or not Ian Crawford scored first for us).
- Hearts biggest aggregate defeat is 3-8 against FC Hamburg in 1976
- There are many Hearts greats who never scored in Europe for Hearts : Donald Ford, Jimmy Wardhaugh, Rab Prentice, Zico, Alex McDonald, Shuggie Shaw, Ralph Callachan, Jim Jefferies, Alan McLaren, Maurice Johnston and Adrian Boothroyd (only joking).
- Some unusual players who have had the pleasure of scoring a European goal include Ian Snodin, Roy Kay, Robin Stenhouse.
HOUSTIE
Peter Houston, coach of the Hearts Under 21 and Under 18 sides gives us the lowdown on the teams performances this season. You can read Peter's match reports on all of the Under 18 and Under 21 games by logging into the No Idle Talk…Online… website.
Between both Under 21s and Under 18s there has only been 2 defeats in eleven matches. This has been extremely pleasing for me because both teams have shown some outstanding form in most of the eleven games played so far.
The Under 21 season started at Almondvale against Rangers when a fairly young Hearts team beat Rangers 2-0 with goals from Schandl and 16 year old Darren Goldie. Rangers included Negri, Stensaas and McInnes in their line up. The Under 21s followed this up with a 1-0 win over Dundee United at Meadowbank this time Derek Holmes slotted home from 8 yards. Missed chances in both half's kept the score down in this comfortable victory. Our next match against St.Johnstone has been our only defeat so far this season when we went down to a sloppy goal 8 minutes from time. However the boy's got back to winning ways in their next game at Kirkintilloch when two Derek Holmes goals gave a young Hearts side a very comfortable victory. Finally,our last game at the time of writing, was against Dundee at Olivebank, Musselburgh when goals from Kris O'Neil and Scott Severin gave Hearts a record of 4 wins and 1 defeat. Overall a pleasing start to the season.
As far as our Under 18s are concerned, it has also been a decent start to their season in a highly competitive league. The 18s drew their first game against Dundee United 1-1 in a re-run of the BP cup final. The match being played at Dundee. Stephen O'Donnell scored in the first half but United equalised late in the game for a deserved draw. Our next match was against Hibs at Meadowbank where the boys put on a magnificent show beating our archrivals 3-0.The goals came from O'Neil, Goldie and Begley. The lads enjoyed that one!! Hearts 18s then went to Aberdeen and came away with a 3-2 victory. The goals were scored by Craig Findlay (2) and Ryan Davidson. This was followed by their first defeat of the season at home to a very good Celtic team. Hearts never played and went down 1-0 in a game that chances were few and far between. However, the youngsters picked themselves up and won their next two games against firstly, Dundee were a 3-1 away victory, goals from Findlay, Goldie and McIllroy and a 4-1 home win against St. Johnstone, were the goals came from Trialist, Findlay (2) and McIllroy. Overall the Under 18s have had a very difficult start to the season but have a record of 4 wins 1 draw and 1 defeat. That, in my eyes is very satisfactory.
Cheers
Houstie
Hearts and Hibs - Capital Classics
by Mike Smith
Publised by Minerva Press £6.99
A well presented and surprisingly interesting read, first impressions would be to expect a book full of dated match reports involving Hearts and Hibs. The book however actually covers the fortunes of both teams throughout the season the highlighted derby match took place.
Eighteen classic derby matches are put in the spotlight, not surprisingly involving eight wins for each team and two draws showing an unbiased representation by the author. It cover matches from post war till present day and must say it brings back some fond memories.
It remains to be seen whether Hearts fans will buy a publication which highlights the infamous 7-0 defeat, then again rip out pages 87 -95 and the book is sound. On a more positive note it finishes with a perfect quote ( as all Hibs fans know ) 'it ain't over till the fat stiker scores.'
To obtain a copy of this
send a cheque or postal order for just £8.00 to:
Unity Distribution
Unit 1
South Folds Road
Corby
Northamptonshire
NN18 9EU
Price includes postage and packaging.
Pat Begley - Catch 22
(We've decided to give youth a chance so thanks to Pat Begley from our Successful youth side for answering our questions)
1. As is being proposed in cricket, which song would you choose to accompany you onto the pitch?
Gala - Free From Desire
2. If you were a pigeon, who (or what) would you shit on and why?
I would shit on Gazza, just to see him cry again!
3. What posters did you have on your walls as a kid?
Mostly Pamela Anderson
4. What really pisses you off outside of football?
My big sister
5. What football tearn did you support as a boy?
Has to be CELTIC
6. If you weren't a footballer what would you be doing for a living now?
I'd be at college
7. Which opposing player has wound you up most recently?
Derek Young (Aberdeen)
8. What did you do on your last day off?
Slept through most of it
9. What was the best telly programme you watched last week?
Eastenders 1 hour special
10. What is the worst thing you have ever had shouted at you from the crowd?
You dirty wee hearts bastard, I'm going to kneecap you!
11. Best, Lager, whisky, vodka, hooch, cider or wine?
Tennents lager
12. Tildsa Masala, Sweet & Sour, Steak McDonalds or Pizza?
McDonalds
13. What is your favourite restaurant?
The Great Wall (Chinese)
14. What is the best video you have watched recently?
"Face Off'
15. Where is your favourite holiday destination?
Ibiza
16. What is the most complicated meal you have ever cooked yourself?
Macaroni Cheese
17. What is your best moment as a Hearts player to date?
Scoring the goal of the game against Hibs in a 3-0 victory.
18. What is your favourite tracing song to get you motivated?
European Song
19. What would be your dream date?
Melanie Sykes
20. Who would you pay good money to go and see (dead or alive)?
The Stone
Roses
21. What was the last concert you went to see?
Ocean Colour Scene
22a. What type of car do you drive at the momcnt?
Fiesta 1.3
22b. If you had the dosh, what type of car would you like to drive?
SMW Convertable with personalised number plate
Friday 4th September Hearts v Hiberrsian
Hearts completely dominated this match at Meadowbank and could easily have doubled the score. Kri5 O'Neil opened the scoring With a shot from around eight yards from a cross by Robbie Neilson and surprisingly there was only one goal in it at the break Five minutes into the second half barren Goldi,e headed home a Craig Neeson cornerkick and two minutes from time Pat Begley played a one two with Craig Findlay before slotting home a 12 yard shot...his first goal for the youth side. Peter Houston added:"A great result and a fine workmanlike performance, especially in the first half. It was disappointing that we did not score more goals". Team: Strang, Begley, Neeson, Neilson, Smith, Goldie, O'Donnell (Cameron 77), b1cilroy (Simmonds 67), O'Neil (Davidson 77), Graham, Findlay.
Win a Hearts CD
All you have to do is fill in the blanks with the names of English or Scoffish football league clubs to complete the story. 34 blanks, 34 soccer clubs to find (you will have to think laterally) Send your name and address with your completed form and the first two correct entries out of the hat win the 20-track new CD of Hearts songs. Closing date 1st December. Answers in the next issue. Good Luck!
The sun shone the day my sister, my mother and I set sail for the________in a very cold ship, it's________full of holes.
The________members, who were new were Don, Rex, Chester, Mont, Kirk and Bart (who unfortunately could not speak).
Not having been________paid too long they were unhappy and disillusioned and on the third day of the voyage they obtained arms by breaking into the________and mutinied.
Although they treated my________they didn't take to my sister at all and________adrift on a raft. I was terrified and hid in my cabin with the________scared they would________me at sea.
The crew raided the larder because they were as hungry as________; unfortunately they found only an________.
So hungry were they that they nearly ate the________before seeking to quench their thirst by forcing open the drinks cabinet.
Finding that we did not________they opened a bottle of whisky. Not long after that, Kirk climbed the rigging with________in hand. "_________ ", I think I can see land in the distance" he shouted. "Watch you don't________ " said his mate.
Meanwhile the others had found a________treasure which was easy to open as the chain securing it had only one________.
At this moment the ship began to sink________ quickly, "Get________deck to give me a hand" he shouted and together they lifted the________to a raft. Then we________.
We drifted for days before seeing an island with a harbour. After locating the________we went ashore only to find the island uninhabited. There were signs that someone had been there recently as a splendid________had been built overlooking the harbour.
There had obviously been a fire as there were________marks on the buildings and a horrible smell of smoke hung in the________. It broke our________to see the disarray. "I wonder where this road_________us" enquired Kirk? "It probably goes right through that________ " said Bart, pointing in the distance.
We argued constantly and suddenly found ourselves falling into a deep pit with a________of water in the bottom of 'It. Fortunately, that________us and we all became friends again.
At this moment I woke up,________be any of you worried. I realised that I had been having a terrible nightmare caused by_________ Treasure Isiand before going to sleep.
My life down Easter Road
There comes a time in ones life when one must climb onto the first step of the property ladder. Not earning much money I had to find the part of the city where the property prices are lowest. Curiously this turned out to be in the vicinity of Easter Road. So I - a lifelong, diehard Jambo - bought a flat in a street with a view of the Home Stand of Easter Road Stadium. Here is a journal of the full horror of my experience.
November 97: Move in. The floor-boards squeak, the windows rattle and there's a bit of rising damp, but its home.
January 98: New Year's Day game, not one bus from Leith to Gorgie. Bloody council spend millions so tourists can come and get pissed in our fair city, but nothing on the tax paying football fan. Walk to Tynecastle through the broken bottles, half eaten kebabs and pools of puke from the night before.
February 98: Notice toe wifie in the ground floor flat has a string of male visitors. Turns out she runs Miss Spanks School for Naughty Boys".
March 98: on match days the pub opposite has an "exotic dancer" on. its full of Hibs fans all of whom leave at ten to three to watch the match. If they want to see some fat useless tits wobbling about why don't they stay in the pub and save £15?
April 98: Sound of ritualistic chanting and animal noises coming from the flat above. Meet some strange black-dad figures on the stairs - seems a group of Satanists have moved in.
May 98: Hibs are relegated. Much weeping and wailing in the streets of Leith. I lock myself in my flat and laugh myself sore.
July 98: Discover that the bloke next door is a drug addict when he has a bad trip and plays "Son of my Father" by Chicory Tip at high volume non-stop for three days and nights.
August 98: New season - Hibs are playing Stranraer. I can now get my car parked on a Saturday afternoon.
September 98: I meet my new neighbour - he's wearing a green and white scarf. This is the last straw - I can put up with the prostitutes and the weirdoes and the junkies, but I'm.not
living next door to a Hibee. Anyone want to buy a flat?
AWAY DAY
I had booked one of those cheap family holidays through one of the newspapers to Wigtownshire in southwest Scotland and because "beggars can't be choosers" couldn't get my first choice of dates ie Mon-Fri and had to be content with a weekend. Unfortunately this meant I would have to miss the home game against St Johnstone. I was going to drive up to Gorgie on the Saturday but my long-suffering football widow wife wasn't happy; "we were supposed to be on a family holiday" - you know the story.
A quick look at the papers revealed that Stranraer were playing Inverness CT at home in div 2 and it was only 20 miles from where we were holidaying. "Do you fancy a wee trip to Stranraer on Saturday " I asked.
I arrived at the ground at 2pm and apart from cones on the main road you wouldn't think there was a game on. So I walked to the ground through a public park where there were two programme sellers. I bought one for a quid and apart from a man walking his dog and a few kids playing I seemed to be the only person there so I walked up to the main stand and stood waiting outside. Eventually people started to arrive in ones and twos and at about 2:20pm the police arrived (all three of them) and to my surprise said a passing hello to all the fans waiting (about twelve by this time). A few minutes later a couple of club officials arrived, also saying hello to the locals. Finally, the gates opened at 2:30 and I paid my £8.50 and took my seat in the stand.
The stand seemed pretty new, about 25 rows high and covering about half the length of the pitch (ie it would fit nicely behind the goals). Opposite where I was sitting was a real relic from the past, a tiny old wooden seated enclosure ( I can't call it a stand). Lucky if it could hold a hundred people. Behind one of the goals was the traditional grass banking and behind that was the ferry going to and fro, very picturesque indeed (I'm jealous of the Hibbys already - ed).
Most of the 640 fans at the game arrived 5 minutes before kick off, including a busload of Caley fans. There was absolutely no atmosphere before then, I can't even remember any music on the tannoy. I had to laugh when the teams ran out to "Match of the day"!
The game itself ended 3-1 to the home side. The Caley fans sang "Caley Caley" over and over, but the Stranraer fans didn't sing or chant anything. What a culture shock! Most of the fans were on first name terms and I can honestly say I didn't hear a swear word all afternoon, expressions like "Och away ref" and "for crying out loud" were the norm. There was no segregation and you'd be lucky to fit more than 2000 fans in.
It wasn't until I was up at Tannadice to watch Hearts play United when the Jambos started singing "There's only one Stranraer" after hibs were beaten 2-1 at home in the first seaport derby, that I was reminded of my visit to Stranraer. Finally, the scum from Edinburgh's seaport have found their true level. I will be having a wee laugh to myself when the second Seaport derby is played down in Stranraer
Forever a Jambo
The Cabbie
A JOKE
The chief Falkirk scout visited easter road and was chatting to the turnstile attendant before entering. "I'm here scouting for new players, is it still a tenner?" asked the scout. "Do you want an attacker and a defender for that?" replies the attendant!
A JOKE
Q : How do you get a hibs fan to laugh on a Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Tuesday!
THE FINAL WORD ON FLAGS - HONEST
THE MAJORITY HIT BACK
I have to reply to those anti-Scottish/British nationalists who claim that the pro-Scottish views expressed are a minority. The recent NIT poll (issue 39) on whether a person waving a union flag should be ejected from the ground clearly shows that the Jambos are split down the middle and that is only whether they should be ejected, not if they should bring a flag.
Leroy of London Hearts should apologise for branding anyone who regards themselves as Scottish, a racist. i take great offence at being called a racist. Yes I am anti British, but that does not mean i hate the English, there is a difference. I think Leroy has been reading too many copies of Searchlight and has got a bit mixed up.
Recent opinion polls have stated that about 85% of Scots see themselves as Scottish not British and over 70% voted for a parliament, hardly minority views. Scotland is a nation. We have our own national teams, and even our legal and educational systems.
Hearts are members of the Scottish league and represent Scotland, not Britain when playing in Europe. The only people I know who want to fly the Union flag are the bigots with their sectarian songs. hearts are a non-sectarian club and these people are not wanted. Finally, you are either a Scottish Nationalist or a British Nationalist you cannot be both. Soar Alba. Hearts and Scotland forever
The Cabbie
The BACK page
Mail to Grant Thorburn
grant.thorburn@ukonline.co.uk