Issue 42(May 1999)



CONTENTS

The Front Cover

The Tynie Tour

The Boring Bit...

Editors Whinge

The Train Leaving Platform 3 is

Quiz Night in the Gorgie Suite

Robinson Still Must Go

Tam Cowan

Martin Peal - A Hibby on Acid

The Great Big Sell Out

Worth a Mention

We Cannae Sell All Our Tickets

Lockerbie Bombers Sidelined in Favour of the Jambos

Great Away Ends (Part 1)

How to tell if you can throw a successful party

Breaking Story

A Light-Hearted Moment

The Red Hand Gang

A tribute to THE JAM PIECE

Juvenile Seating Arrangements

Comment from Motherwell Zine

The Bad

Come on the Hearts

1998/99 Survery

Oh Mickey you're so fine

Lest we forget

...Online...

Where have all the Weedgies gone?

The Kelty Beano Trip

Catch 22 - Gary McSwegan

Fan Profile

Yer Aff Yer Heid

The Goader

Davie Weir Update

Hearts L!ve

No Grounds for Compliant

It could be you.

Read them and Weep!

Viva. Better than beaver

Back Page

THE FRONT COVER

THE TYNIE TOUR

I had taken an Monday afternoon off work for no apparent reason, other than to be off work ! The problem was to find something to do that would get me out of any old odd job around the house. Then reading through the programme for the Killie game again gave me the answer, a tour of Tynecastle in the afternoon. So Monday morning comes and I phone Tynecastle (as you have to book in advance). When I ask about the tour, a feeling of dread hits me as the girl says you have to book in advance. "How many of you are there ?" she said, obviously expecting a tour bus. "Just myself" I replied, now feeling that I haven't got any mates. She said that's fine and to come along to the office reception for 1.50 pm. Sorted.

On arrival at Tynie, I found there was about 15-20 on the tour, half of which are kids. After I filled in the form for the tour and paid my £1.50 as a season ticket holder price (£2.50 for non-season ticket holders, 50p for kids) we set off into the main entrance of the main stand where we were met by our tour guide for the day, Brian Scott. First off was the newly-refurbished directors' suite, complete with comfy chairs and a rather large table in the middle, apparently where contract negotiations are hammered out. Mr Scott relayed a brief history of the club in our starting point and then invited us to look round at the various trophies and photos on display, including a large portrait of Tom Purdie, Hearts' first captain and the recently discovered photos of the all-Edinburgh Cup Final of 1896, where yet again we proved who was Edinburgh's No. 1, humping the vermin 3-1 at Logie Green Road. Mr Scott then inquired as to our football allegiances and was genuinely surprised to find that everyone on the tour that day were Jambos, as it was the first time that it had occurred. In fact, most times he found himself in the company of Huns, Tims and vermin (an awful thought). My bet is that most of the Huns and Tims there were 5 year-old wee boys who don't know any better, and this was a perfect opportunity to re-educate them. As for the Hibbies, well they've also been jealous of being second in a city of two clubs and probably came to see silverware and a decent ground.

Next stop should have been the executive suite but Sky TV and tube features himself, Jim (Red, Blue &) White had commandeered it to interview Gary McSwegan and Darren Jackson for the Celtic game on the Wednesday. So we set off instead for the home dressing room which, to be frank, was a complete pigsty as the young boys hadn't cleaned the main dressing room from training. Oh, how I wished to pull on one of the jerseys hanging from the peg and run out of the tunnel now. Then onto the boot room and the referee's room where finally one of life's biggest mysteries was sorted out, namely why referees bloody well hate us. The reason is that the refs are stuck in a corner, slightly bigger than a broom cupboard, with no windows (which is probably a good thing) and an old-style plunge bath, a relic of the 1914 design, although showers have been added above the bath since. No doubt that at Ibrox and Parkhead the rooms are huge and luxurious and therefore they expect that treatment from the rest of Scottish football. I don't advocate Hearts spending any money to create more space for them, however.

Then the highlight of the tour, walking out the tunnel onto the pitch. I tell you, even though the ground was empty it still made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. It must be a great feeling being a player and hearing a cacophony of sound hit you coming out of the tunnel. All I needed now was a ball but unfortunately none were to be seen and we weren't allowed on the grass (or what's left of it) anyway. By the way, anyone who sits in the Wheatfield like myself should know that the Main Stand side of the pitch is a lot better but still cutting up rather badly. Looking up into the main stand, our tour guide remarked that almost all of the features from 1914 remain unaltered and that, as usual, Hearts ended up selling players to finance it. Apparently, in the long-term, there are plans to replace it with a two-tier cantilever stand, sitting back from the pitch and that the leasehold of the training centre etc. behind the stand runs out in 2000. Don't hold your breath waiting for it however.

The rest of the outdoor stage of the tour involved climbing into the Roseburn and walking around the concourses, stopping off at the 500 club rolls of honour. Questions were asked about the pitch out the back of the Wheatfield and apparently Hearts want to use this for the U-21's and U-18's rather than bussing them out to Newtongrange or wherever. Back down the Gorgie Stand and into the shop where no doubt we were then expected to spend lots of money, as this is where the tour is supposed to end.

However, we went back to the Executive Suite for a show around and also a video of the preparations involved in a match-day, including the police operations and the Gorgie Suite (which we didn't see as there was a conference or meeting of some sort on.) and it was a bit of an eye-opener to release just how much goes on at a football ground. Finally we were handed our certificates to confirm that we had visited Tynecastle Stadium on Monday 12 April.

Overall, it was a great way to spend an afternoon and a great look behind the scenes at Tynie. If you have an afternoon to kill, or are looking for something to on a wet bank holiday, I would heartily recommend it and for £1.50 a time you can't argue.

Geoff.

THE BORING BIT.....



Editor Craig Young

Internet Editor Grant Thorburn Address : http://web.ukonline.co.uk/grant.thorburn/

Contributers : Eric Fleming, Ian Shiells, John Stuart, Neil Edgar, Pie, The Jam Piece, Clap Your Hands Stamp Your Feet, Geoff Kilpatrick, Ragnar Lochen, LM, Dougie Grant, Maxwell Moodie, Gary McSwegan and Robbie Tyrie (Sorry Mate)

Cartoonist : Where? Printer : Paul Hollingshead at Blueprint (01443-205653). Very reasonable (tell him where you got his number). Outlets : Robertsons Bar (Gorgie), Vinyl Villains, Ahmeds newsagents (Leith), Grahams Papers (Polwarth), RS McColls (St James Centre, Gorgie Road & Lothian Road),Watersons (West End), Groucho's (Dundee), Jumbo Records (Leeds), Sportspages (London and Manchester), Manchester Hearts, London Hearts. More Edinburgh outlets wanted (25% commission paid). We will pay 35% commission for any supporters club who wishes to take 10 or more copies and pay up front.

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Editors Whinge

Hello, and welcome to the last bumper issue of the season, and what a strange issue it has been to put together. With Hearts being in the will-they-won't-they situation, nobody seems to want to write the article that commits the writer to relegation or staying up, hence the fanzine has an eerie positive "feel" to it. As I write this, the Dundee.Utd v St Johnstone game has just finnished 1-0 to the Sainties and I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Would it be better to have United safe when we play them, or, given that they are better away than at home, now they need results, are they more likely to win at Dunfermline? Of course, if you are reading this at the Dunfermline game you will know the answer to that particular question as well as the "did we get any points at Motherwell" question.

I hope we did get a result at Motherwell, god knows it would be a great feeling to stuff them and get it right up that we soap dodger Tam Cowan. However, even the worst case scenario which is a Hearts defeat at Well and a Dunfermline vs Dundee.Utd win won't clarify the relegation issue much. Hearts task is simple on paper. We need either 7 or 9 points from 5 games. Beating Dunfermline and Dundee.Utd at Tynecastle convincingly gives us 6, and perhaps get a result at Motherwell, Ibrox or Pittodrie. Motherwell was the best place to do it, but if we have to go up to Pittodrie maybe needing a result so be it. The way Rangers are playing, we're not out of it there either.

Whatever happens, let's keep it positive all the time. Results have conspired against us (particularly Dundee who have suddenly become world beaters!). Also, Dundee United winning at Pittodrie was unexpected but must give us cause for optimism. Hearts must take FULL responsibility for Dick Advocaat's remarks about Dundee, as they would be mathematically relegated by now if we had shown any form against them this season.

I am pleased to see that Darren Jackson has been allowed time to settle in. I had misgivings about the way the fans would react to him but so far so good, although I had to laugh at the Celtic game (didn't have many opportunities to do this). It seems that it is OK to encourage Jacko vocally, but one poor guy started singing "There's only one Darren Jackson". He was told to sit down and behave! I can see the effect he has had on the team and I welcome him, although I would have to say he WAS probably in my top 5 hated players of all time. He lacks composure in scoring positions and needs all our encouragement, as does McSwegan, Adam and Stevie Fulton particularly. If you've got anything bad to say about them, wait till June. In the run in, if you can't be positive, stay in the house - I'm serious. I am 38 years old and have done this 3 times before. Sing your HEARTS out at the rest of the games. Bring flags. Don't sit there quietly waiting for something to happen. Make something happen with the atmosphere. It can work.

On the subject of something bad to say about something, I'm also pleased that the so-called HATE campaign was postponed (or cancelled?). Some misguided individuals were planning a public protest at the time when Hearts needed our total support. Most of the abuse was to be directed against Chris Robinson for a multitide of sins, most of which were very public 6 weeks ago. There is a time and a place. That is not to say that our leader is out of the woods yet. There are questions to be asked once our fate is decided.

BIGOTRY. Had to raise it, sorry. There was a Union Jack being flaunted at Celtic fans about 15 rows below me. Around me, we had the Chicken Supper song which isn't funny, and we had the Celtic boys club song which would be funny if the new goalie hadn't been a member of it recently! One significant omission was the Sash and Derrys walls. Maybe we have progressed since the "old" days because we cannot get these songs started, but I couldn't help thinking at the game that some of that venomous bigotry of old was just simmering below the surface. Nobody around me told them to be quiet. Is saying nothing to be taken as condoning some of the hatred, does it mean the person disagrees but doesn't want to be involved? Does it mean we are all closet bigots who don't want to be seen to be dishing out the abuse but are happy when there are a dozen guys in the row behind asking the Celtic fans if they would like to visit a fish and chip shop, with a view to purchasing some poultry? Changed days indeed!

Incidentally, why do fans boo when Celtic do their huddle? Why don't opposition players be cheeky and, while Celtic are doing this, circle them (like in cowboys and indians) whooping. This would seem sufficiently ridiculous for Celtic to stop this practice - or are teams just jealous because it seems like Celtic are publicly showing some team spirit and they are not?

I'd like to congratulate Paul Ritchie on anticipation of his first Scotland cap. Such is the situation, he may not even be a Jambo by the time some of you buy this. His cap is overdue.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who contributed throught this season, either as a seller or a writer. Sometimes it's not easy, and sometimes you get wet, but as long as it's fun, we'll keep going. We have over 100 active contributers, hence the diverse subject matter that keeps us at the top of the tree. The yearly poll is important as your opinion does matter. The Millenium competition is something that I think could take off, particularly if we link up with Douglas Dalglish at the Jambo and show him we can produce a really good piece of collective creative writing. So get them both filled in by 5th July.

Lastly, have a great summer, whatever happens. NIT will be back as good as ever in the new season, starting with our 10th ANNIVERSARY ISSUE. We'll be looking to include some articles from old favourites like The Teaboy and Big Al, plus anybody else who has contributed in the past who cares to write in. A rival publication, who struggled to bring out three issues this season has threatened to go monthly next season. We will believe it when we see it. If you are tempted to buy one, ask for a preview first - the content isn't always up to date (someone should tell them Davie Weir has left).

Remember, WE represent the views of all fans, regardless of their persuasions and their opinions. This is what makes NIT what it is. We cater for everyone.

Bring on the Hibees!

Craig Young - Ed

The Train Leaving Platform 3 is

The majority of you who read NIT will no doubt have travelled outside Edinburgh to see Hearts play ( the Cup Final obviously). You probably travel by Car, Supporters Bus or Service train but how many of you remember when there was the option of travelling on the infamous Football Special trains that were run by British Rail. YES, those were the days! ! !

For those of you either too young or dare I say one of those "new" hearts fans to know what a Football Special was then it basically consisted of BR taking out their worst rolling stock adding on an engine and charging ridiculously low prices. Well, I thought they were low as in 1986 I got the Special to Aberdeen for f2.50 return and into the ground for £2.20. Imagine going to Aberdeen now for under £5! ! We're looking at £50 now.

Football Specials were cold and dark things, the heating never worked (especially mid winter) and as soon as they left the Station all the light bulbs were unscrewed to be used as missiles for internal and external use. Needless to say the first tunnel the train came to everyone descended into darkness. Not normally a problem for those travelling except for the few Coppers on board trying to show some authority and especially for the •'Rollman". Remembet the bloke with his dodgy sheepskin jacket and cardboard box with string handles walking up and dozenn the train selling his ';Meat or Cheeses Cheese or Meat" rolls (I use the terms loosely) for 50p a tirne. The guy probably made a fortune selling sub standard food to hungry fans...no change there then! ! That was until the tunnels appeared. Hc must have lost a lot of stock then as many a pair of thieving hands tried to empty his cardboard box. I wonder what ever happened to him? rumour has it (well I've just started it) that he's now Chief Executive of a large Scouish Football Club....only joking' '

The Football Special was responsible for teams taking large away supports and I saw a lot of football thanks to BR. That's not to say I wouldn't have gone by supporters bus but the catnaradelie you got travelling by Football Special is something that s unlikely to be surpassed.

I think the Football Specials demise was a bad thing for football but I still travelled by Service trains to games as a Casual. The Aberdeen Soccer Casuals (ASC) may claim they were the first organised mob to travel by train but in effect everyone who traveiled by Football Special was in a semi organised mob and anyway Hearts had an organised mob of lads travelling by Service train, the Service Crew/Savile Travel.

They say that what goes around will come around, if they do then I'm waiting for the arrival of the next football Special. As football goes retro then the Special is up there with the best of them.

The Football Special...a Great British Institution RIP

Thanks for all the memories.

Thomas the Tank Engine.

Quiz Night in the Gorgie Suite

People often say that 2 heads are better than 1, so you would think that 12 would be better than 10. Not so as the quiz night held in the Gorgie Suite proved.

A group of 5 of us from Linlithgow made our way to Tynecastle to test our knowledge of football and maybe win 1st prize. A £1200 hospitality package was up for grabs for the eventual winners ( and if the questions got to difficult we could just get pished).

Looking like a quiz team in our smart club polo shirts, we arrived to find the place was nearly full and we couldn't find a table which had S empty seats. As we didn't want to have our vast football knowledge ( what football knowledge, ed,) spread around the place, they allowed us to make up a team of 12 instead ofthe 10 team rule.

Each round had a total of 5 points and we got of to a fairly good start with 3 out of 5. It was after that we realiscd thatat what we knew about football we could write on the back of a stamp. Only about half the questions were about football though, and yes, thatat is our excuse for doing so badly, (plus the fact we had Brian Smillie in our team). One rqtmd in particular, which should have been pretty easy was to name the players who wear the number 10 shirt for Celtic, Rangers, Manchester United, Coventry and Chelsea. The only one we could remember was Casiraghi of Chelsea. Well done Ian.

Anyway we realised we were not going to win this as there were a few anoraks who knew the answers to questions on Russian politics and shit like that, so it was time to get the drinks in, Gordon. On the way to the bar someone reco~ised us from a very telling and censored photograph from Mallorca. Seems such a long time ago now.

It was now our turn to have our photo taken with the Scottish cup, which T think was the reason the night was orgaiised in the filrst place. Ian Shells wot to Hems last yes to suggest that it would be good to have a supporters club photo then instead of an individual one7 and this is what they came up withy At £20 per head though instead of maybe £50 per club7 it was another chance to cash in on the fans. There was a buffet laid on though, but one ofthe gals at our table noticed that our table of 12 got the same amount of food as the question rnasters table of 3* Fat bastards.

Although we did finish last, there was feee consolation that our table won the raffles top prize of a signed, fiamed Hearts top which looked lice it would have fitted Baggio a couple of seasons ago. The other consolation was that another team from Linlithgow won the 1st prize whets Malcolm Grahams Malkies Alcies won a very close competition by a single point in the last round. Maybe they've got Ian to thank for that.

All in all it was a pretty good night with a good photo to take home with us. I think it may also be repeated in the future, but without a cup to have a photo taken with, it should be a bit cheaper.

Pie

Robinson Still Must Go

Although no formal protests have been made at the pieman yet, mainly due to the fact that everyone's efforts are being focused on getting us out of the shit we are currently in (hopefully by the time this is published we are pulling clear), the pieman's position should be untenable after his record. Yet, he gets a new two-year contract with a salary increase. Don't worry, he'll not accept it if we're relegated. Jesus, we might cease to exist if we're relegated, let alone worry about a bloody Chief Executive's salary !!

After receiving the new contract, it was stated in the press that "Hearts are now a well-managed club...". Right, here are five reasons which disproves this nonsense and why Robinson's contract should not be renewed.

1. The McCann transfer

Now, we received £1.6 m from Rangers for McCann, of which about £250K went to Scumdee. We were "under no pressure to sell..." according to the board. Therefore this is income that wasn't budgeted for and can therefore be used to strengthen the team. Oops, it's all deposited in the Bank of Scotland to reduce debt. We can therefore assume that the Bank were making noises that McCann or anyone should be sold to help reduce the debt burden and the front-man of the Board, i.e. Robinson, was talking bollocks. This leads onto...

2. The season ticket prospectus

If anyone can remember back to the start of the season , you will also remember that your season ticket price was upped by 10%. This was, in the words of the prospectus, "to help maintain and develop the current levels of player investment...". What have we seen this season ? Two Scottish internationals are sold, viz. McCann and Weir (more on that later). Jim Hamilton has also been sold, although in my opinion that was no loss. We were told we had funds of close to £1m to spend on players or one player in particular. That was Robbie Winters and that deal fell through. We then sign five free transfers and are told there is no money to spend. Now, I'm not going to argue that in post-Bosman days lots of money is paid in signing-on fees but for £1m to suddenly disappear in the signings of Guerin, Juanjo and McSwegan is surely ridiculous. JJ is allowed to spend £50K on Leigh Jenkinson as we slide down the table. Only when we hit the bottom do the board get the finger out and provide the funds to sign Jackson and James and re-sign Adam. Even then, most of this was self-financing from the sale of Weir and Hamilton. Lied to ? I think if Watchdog paid more attention to football clubs and less to the cost of strips, we might have seen more action.

3. The David Weir saga

As Chief Executive, Robinson is fond of telling us that he has to make "hard, even though unpopular, decisions.". Well, he bottled this one. David Weir should have been forced to sign a new contract in the summer before the season started as we knew his contract was up at the end of this season. If he didn't sign every club in Britain should have been alerted to his availability and we could have made a tidy profit. Instead we broke even on a player we turned into a Scotland regular. That is criminal business management.

4. The main stand re-fit

In the 1970's, a lot of clubs, especially English ones, almost went bankrupt because stands they had budgeted for ran well over-budget and crippled them. These days, almost all building work is put out to tender and once that tender is accepted that is the cost of building the thing. A lot of contracts also have penalties to the building company built into them so that if works runs over the agreed timescale then financial penalties are imposed. Everywhere that is, except for re-fitting a main stand at Tynecastle Park. There have not been enough questions asked as to how this happened as "losing" £1.2 million this way is a joke for a club of our size. Who drew up the original costings ? What else was put in place to increase the cost ? Was the contract put out to tender ? Was it worth it ? As far as I can see from the Wheatfield side, all that has changed is the colour of the enclosure seats and some more comfier chairs have been placed in the Executive areas. We should demand more answers as to what happened here.

5. Everyone's to blame, except the board

I refer here, of course, to the fact that we are in debt because (a) the vermin were relegated and (b) Sky didn't choose Hearts for enough live matches. Now, correct me if I am wrong, but businesses draw up budgets on "worst-case" scenarios. Hibs going down was known when the plans were drawn up and, to be honest, we may have lost about £200,000 from the lack of two home games. If we were lucky we might have got one on the telly at New Year because, and let's be honest here, the Capital derby pales into insignificance in other people's eyes when compared to the Old Scum derby on the same weekend. As for the Sky games, the contract states that every team will be shown twice so surely it is logical to budget for income for two games. Ironically, today's match is on the box because we are in the shite at the bottom, not because we are playing well. Perhaps Robinson could have been forgiven for expecting us to perform as well as last season. I know I did. However, to turn around in the press and say these things is beyond belief. The vermin being relegated was an opportunity to really push Hearts in the Edinburgh business community as the only Premier team in Edinburgh and end decades of the lame excuse that has been used before about not wanting to upset one side of Edinburgh by backing another. Now that the vermin are back from their lower level, I fear the business community will focus more on them, particulary as the new Parliament will only be around the corner from Fester Road at Holyrood. Another Robinson fuck up methinks.

These are only five reasons why Robinson should have been punted out the door. I haven't mentioned the fact that the share price has more than halved, showing that even the institutions think that the guy is crap or other business related matters. I am not saying that we went to the bottom because Robinson was in charge but in a split of the blame between the board and the management, I would say that 75% of it should go to the board.

Here's how YOU can help to get rid of Robinson. Hearts' shares (at the time of writing) are currently about 66p a share. You could buy 100 shares in the club by sacrificing three away trips next season. This means you get to attend the AGM's and ask the awkward sorts of questions that Robinson doesn't want to hear. You can also vote against his proposed measures. Although it won't be enough compared to his voting power, you can still make your opinion heard. Remember, although he may think different, this is OUR club.

So (touch wood) once we are safe, don't forget WHY we have had such a shit season and say never again. Someone must take responsibility as we cannot afford a repeat next season. Someone with drive and ambition for the club. Not someone who turns around in the Sunday Times and says "We are the size we are." We waited 36 years for a trophy. I don't want to be 60 before I see another street party on Gorgie Road.

Geoff

TAM COWAN

Sense of humour bypass guaranteed

TEN USES FOR A TAM COWAN

1. A buffer for the trains at Waverley Station
2. A useful tool for opening bottles
3. A punch bag to practice your boxing skills
4. An easy chair to rest your weary bones, sure to be comfortable due to his bulk
5. A replacement for your car jack when lost
6. A practice target for the NATO forces
7. A roundabout (not mini)
8. A bouncy castle
9. A golf tee peg, his nose will do nicely
10. A spare colostomy bag (he's full of pish anyway)

Martin Peal, A Hibby on Acid

Check this out from the LIVE ISSUE portion of the Pink News on 10th April! The question was "ARE HIBS GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE PREMIER LEAGUE?"

With zoomers like him supporting them, it may well be another hundred years before they win the Cup again!

The Great Big Sell Out

It's official, the SPL have finally sold the fans down the river following their decision to switch the last day fixtures to Sunday. At first, it looked like 6:05pm, but following pressure from various quarters (but mostly Rangers), now it is 12:30pm on the Sunday. Other clubs may find this an attractive prospect, but if you are a Jambo it means two things.

1. Getting up really early to catch the bus
2. Possible attending a relegation decider stone cold sober!

It's a sign of the times that SKY bosses have the right to move these fixtures for the next four years and nobody realised (they didn't go out of their way to keep us informed!). It's easy to blame Sky bosses but SPL chairmen and chief executives have only themselves to blame. They agreed to this, and must have been blinded by the £ signs flashing in front of their eyes. One of the people who agreed this is our own Chris Robinson so bear that in mind next time you berate the SKY people.

Recently, there has been a great debate on the issue of live kick off times (particularly from Rangers fans). One suggestion is to move to a Saturday midday which sounds better than Sunday 6:05pm. However, as a Sky subscriber and a regular attender of Hearts matches, I would object to having to miss the live games I've paid for. It's good to see that the recent discussions showed there is room for discussion and compromise following a lot of fan pressure. This gives us a little hope for next season when, just maybe we can move away from the Sunday evening slot.

Eric

Worth a Mention

Andy Goram - despite his very dubious acquaintances, Goram showed everyone at Parkhead that he really has still got it. It would have been nice if he had played his part in denying Celtic the title.

One minute silence - Even the Glasgow scum can't be trusted to honour 96 dead people. I hope they feel ashamed of themselves. It doesn't really matter who started it, many weedgies joined in as did 'Well fans.

Dickhead Advocaat - Dundee capable of beating any team in the league? This man is clearly showing signs of pressure!

We Cannae Sell All Our Tickets

What an absolute disgrace, what a bunch of two faced hypocrites the Hearts fans are. How can any club have a season ticket support of over 12,000 and yet fail to take a travelling support of over 1,000 to a fixture that is only 1 hours travel away by train, bus or car. Then the majority of those so-called loyal" fans would be the first to moan or be angry if they were denied a ticket for a major Cup Final if Hearts were involved.

I've been to many Chelsea away fixtures in the North of England where the allocation for the away section has been limited but you could bet your last pound that no matter how shite Chelsea were playing the allocation of tickets would be snapped up, and I'm not talking about the last 3 years where The Blues have improved their standards.

Now I might be mistaken here but I regard the Hearts v Celtic game as one of our major events this season due to the fact that our verminous rivals are ripping the 1 st Division apart with their world beating squad! ! ! In fact over the last 10 years I've looked forward to the Hearts/Celtic scum game with more excitement than our usual boring clashes with the Hibs, and I've spoken to a number of fans who agree with my point, but you would think that if Celtic are kind enough to give us 1,300 tickets then we would sell that amount in a minute.

Who can remember the times when Hearts used to go through to Glasgow and take a huge support of around 6,000, and if we were doing well this could swell to 8,000. Getting a ticket for those games was like trying to get a brief for the '96 Cup Final. Even though we never had a large season ticket support, there was always that hard-core number of fans that travalled and snapped up the allocation. There was also a large number of Supporters clubs that travailed as well, what's happened to them.

When most grounds had their capacity set at a comfortable number during the 80's you had, at times, 28 - 29,000 inside Tynecastle with the Gorgie Road end holding 8,000 and the away section of the stand holding 1,500. So where have all the missing home fans now gone. Yes a few got sick and tired of the Clubs "we're on the road to nowhere" attitude and a few more couldn't afford the season ticket price for the following season or the individual match prices when picking their games, but at the end of every failed season we still had the optimistic fans and their "I've a feeling this is going to be our year" attitude who would still sacrifice a considerable amount of money to watch a stale, deadwood, cobweb team hoping for a trophy.

The glory hunters of this season will now realise that they have made a bad move in putting their money up front and "guaranteeing" the seat that would witness marvellous moments in Hearts progress in matching the mighty Rangers (our wee brothers!) On winning trophies.

So I can only give them one simple message that I'm sure most of the fans who attended the 6th February fixture and others would agree with me. The next time, if there is a next time, Hearts get to a Cup Final or have a last game of the season to win the League, DO NOT think that because you owned a 98/99 season ticket that you are considered a loyal fan and have every right to have priority for a match ticket. There's blokes like me who had to endure the lows of depression having to witness a third rate Hearts take on the might of Queens Park, East Stirling and Alloa and still not see the team win the League. Just think of all those bandwagon jumpers the Old Firm have, you are falling into the same category as them. Remember the likes of Gerry McNee and Jim Traynor (who I was only 10 feet and 2 seconds from punching at last year Cup Semi) taking the piss and saying how we didn't deserve the allocations we received for our last 3 Cup Finals, well looking back I have to now agree with them.

But because I've followed my team through thick and thin it still does not make me a better fan than "Jock Tamson" who did exactly the same as me in the 60's and 70's, but at least I have the dignity and pride to sing a special song that DOES NOT mean a thing to the modern player when his pay packet arrives......

"HEART OF MIDLOTHIAN, FUCK OFF HIBERNIAN, WE'LL SUPPORT YOU EVER MORE"

PS Please don't think I'm tarnishing all fans with the same brush and making out that I'm the number 1. Far from it. I hope the real fans understand my point (they know who they are) and do not take offence at it, but the way things are going with the tearn, the board and my growing concern at the attitudes of some of the "new fans" I can see even more fans staying away in the future.

Lockerbie Bombers Sidelined in Favour of the Jambos

Al Duff,the defence lawyer for one of those accused of the Lockerbie bombing,is devoted to our cause.So much so that he insisted that the court hearing due to take place on Thursday 15th April in Holland was brought forward a day so that he could fly back to attend the Celtic game on the Wednesday night.He was,it is rumoured,ably assisted in this court timetable shuffling by the court clerk who is a from the breast hopeless Sellick accolyte desperate to see those for whom he holds misplaced reverence.

LM

Great Away Ends

GREAT AWAY ENDS (PART 1)

This article is, written for 2 reasons. Firstly to remind Hearts fans out there what grounds/hellholes we used to visit week in and week out. And secondly to inform the "new" fans who've, in my opinion, unwelcomly crept into our game of what it was like before they found football "trendy" .

Well here goes and I've put my own personal memory of each ground in as well. You'll undoubtedly have your own memories, good and bad.

1. Aberdeen (Pittodrie Stadium) - The Beach End was one of the great away ends. Row upon row of wooden benches and the noise created when we took a large support was amazing. Best position was being seated next to their Casuals and noising them up. However, sorry Dan the Fan shouting "sheepshaggers" at them never wound them up, they were actually taking the piss out of you when you thought you were winding them up. Old timers will remember when we got "the Paddock End" at the opposite end to the Beach End. I do as I was there for my first away trip to Pittodrie, a 4-1 defeat with Pat McShane (where are you now?) scoring our goal.
Memories - After my first trip being ushered over the Golf Course by my Old Man while it was going off on Hamburger Hill. The 1-0 win in 1986 coutesy of JC, the next day I was in the crowd scene in a photo showing the celebration by the Players. Too many others too mention and too many to forget.

2. Airdrie (Broomfield ) - Don't you just love Airdire and didn't you just love going toBroomfield with that silly Pavillion in the corner (wonder where that went when they demolished the ground). The sweeping terrace behind the East goal and half the covered enclosure down to where the dreaded Section B (don't make me laugh) stood was what we occupied. Division I days were best because we used to win! !
Memories • The 5-0 friendly win in 1988 sticks out because 20 of us went in the Home end and slapped Section B. setting off some CS Gas in the process before being marched round the track to the Hearts end. I had to do some explaining at work on the Monday as my boss at the time saw me! !

3. Alloa Athletie (Reereation Ground) - The Recs didn't really have an Away end as such more of an Away ground. Partly covered down the touchline opposite the stand with 2 gently inclined sloping terraces behind each goal.
Memories - No great memories as I only saw us draw 1-1 and 0-0 with Gary McKay missing a penalty. I also ripped my coat on a lamppost outside the ground which didn't go down too well either. If anything the Recs will be remembered for one of the quotes of all time "C'mon Hearts lets get the points and lets get out of this silly wec toon". Enough said.

4. Ayr United (Somerset Park) - From what I see on Football First (you know the STV coverage of the Division the Vermin are in) this ground has not changed much. Away fans still getting the covered Town end behind the goal and a third of the uncovered touchline terrace. Quite a good atmosphere made at this ground.
Memories - Only went once for the 3-0 win on Boxing Day (82/83) with what I believe were customary running battles with the hospitable local. Merry Christmas and all that.

5. Berwiek Rangers (Shielfield Park) - Passports out, were going to England. Sadly trips to Berwick have only been for friendlier in recent years. We got half the grund including half the covered enclosue at this Speedway/Greyhound disaster. Good wall for climbing over though.
Memories - Chatting up an absolute honey of a WPC (getting no-where). Getting a smack in the face offa Hearts fan who though I was English. My mates still take the piss to this day. And getting a lift to the ground in a Police van when the Reserves got beat 4-3 in 1988 a year after trouble at the 1-1 draw. Only 6 of us went by train, I think the Police were expecting 60.

6. Brechin City (Glebe Park) - The Away end consisted of a small amount of terracing most of the way down the Hedge side of the ground and the terracing behind the town end goal with a grassy knoll. Had JFK survived Dallas he would have dreaded visiting Glebe Park. This was before the huge out of place stand was built prior to Hearts visit in the Skol Cup.
Memories - Has to be the hedge complete with some old bloke trimming it while the Scottish Cup match was going on). Also going on the pitch at the end of the match and finding out that Brechin had a mob of 20 Casuals. Bizarre!

7. Celtic (Scumhead) - Remember when we used to get either part of (or the whole) end behind the goal and actually took a support to fill it unlike our shitty support this February. Always guaranteed trouble at Parkhead back then (nothing changes) and a bundle with the Police. Is it a bird, is it a plane no it's another Strathclyde Coppers hat courtesy of Gorgie Aggro.
Memories - The passion of the support at the 4-1 82/83 Scottish Cup defeat. One 2-l win thanks to Crabbo and Millar time. I'd count the Cup Final but that was at the new improved Parkhead. Too many bad times though thanks to cheating bastards like McKinley, Dallas and Father Kevin Donnelly. Where did they find those extra minutes??

8. Clyde (Shawfield Stadium) - Bizzare ground that's major use was for Greyhound racing and the odd Speedway match. A bit like watching Hearts at Powderhall. A dump on the southside of Glasgow, sorry that is Glasgow. Not missed and completely forgotten. I think we got the trap and rabbit end.
Memories- Missed the 7-1 demolition in the League Cup in 1982/83 Onlywentonce for our 3-2 League win the same season. Won the 3.13 race out of trap 6 Pettigrews Pedigree.

9. Clydebank (Kilbowie Stadium) - Another all seater like Aberdeen but this was West coast all seater with a scummy Home support. Hearts got the West side and half of the covered enclosure which had a shitty roof which didn't even cover anyone. Sorry to see Clydebank in the position they're in now but thank god we don't ever have to go back to Kilbowie.
Memories - The "riot" at the 5-1 win watched by a crowd of under 1,000. Gorgie Aggro at its best or worst depending on your perspective. The other memories was the Police, Strathclyde isn't blessed with the most sociable filth but these bastards in my opinion took the biscuit.

How to tell if you can throw a successful party

Despite what finally happens this season, I bet many of you are planning a Ist anniversary part on May 15th or 16th. Eo get you in the mood here's a light hearted look at thrwowing a good part.

FESTIVITY LEVEL I

Your guests are sitting around chatting, nibbling the party food, sipping their drinks. They are admiring your Cup final posters and stand around the CD player singing feee "Hearts Song".

FESTIVIlY LEVEL 2

Your guests are talking loudly, occasionally to one another. They are wolfing down the food, gulping the* drinks, rearranging your cup final posters and siting on the floor singing "My Way"

FESTIVITY LEVEL 3

Your guests are holding conversations with inanimate objects, gulping other people's drinks, spilling food everywhere and dancing round the tables singing "We fucking hate hibees" (if you recognise this as level I in your house -seek help immediately)

FESTIVIlY LEVEL 4

Your guests, food smeared all over their naked bodies are romping around the garden shed in some unholy ritual. Buming on top of the shed is a neighbours wife who innocently revealed she was born in Leith. The CD player is missing.

Unless you live on a farm miles from anywhere, or you own a large gun, you generally don't want your parties to operate above level 3. The true test of any party success, however is whether or not the police arrive. If they do arrive, your job as host is to see they don't arrest anyone. if they are intent on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you. The following is an example of how to handle the situation.

Police: "We've come in response to tile complaints"

You: " Complaints? It isn't about the drugs, is it?"

Police: "No sir, not drugs"

You: "The guns then? They're complaining about the guns"

Police " No sir, it's about the noise"

You: "Oh, that's all right dlen, 'cos there sure aren't any drugs or guns here"

[An explosion sounds somewhere behind you]

You: "Or fireworks either! The neighbours complained, didn't they?"

Police: "No sir. The neighbours all fled to Fife hours ago. The recent complaints have come from the Border region"

[At this point a Ford Capri painted maroon and white roars out the living room, down the hall and past you and the policeman, out into the front garden and into the nearest tree. Eight nearly naked bodies tumble out still singing a version of "I will survive"

You: "There, you see? It's winding down already!"

Breaking Story

The following story will be of interest to you and you may wish to publish it before the News of the World do. Another Scoop for NIT. If you don't then look out for the story breaking soon.

The story revolves around a Tanning studio in Stockbridge and a prominent Hibs player. Apparently the receptionist (I think she's also the owner) of the studio kept seeing the same car sitting outside with the driver looking in all the time. The car would then drive away and return later with the driver continuing to leer in. Well after this happening for a period of time the girl in the studio was getting pissed off and worried and took the car number plate down and phoned the Police. The Police came back to her and said they had spoken to the driver of the Car and were (or have) going to charge him with Stalking. The driver was none other than

Apparently the Police told the woman to speak to the papers but she declined, she has since decided to tell her story to the News of the World as they offered her the most money.

Obviously you couldn't use his narne until the story broke but it may be worth putting something in the next issue.

A Light Hearted Moment

It's the millenium soon, and to celebrate it, we're going to stage a hypothetical match between the best team of the 1980's and the best team of the 1990's. There's no good reason for doing this other than we think it will be a great laugh. We don't have a computer program to play the game, what we will do is analyse the information that our readers (including internet readers) will send in, and, using spreadsheets and algorithms, we will work out the final score, the scorers and how the goals were scored. Based on this, we will expand the information and produce a detailed match report to be printed in the first issue next season, and we'll also send it in an article to the Jambo. Fancy a shot? What we need is the following information…

1. Your best thirteen (two subs) of the 1980's (selected from 44 players who all played more than 20 league matches for the Jambos in the 80's (79/80 counts for this period).

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11

Sub 1
Sub 2

2. Your best thirteen( two subs) of the 1990's (selected from 44 players who all played more than 20 league matches for the Jambos in the 90's (89/90 counts for this period)

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11

Sub 1
Sub 2

3. What would the formation of each team be?

4. What would the score be in this match (played at Tynecastle)?

5. Who would score the goals?

6. How would the goals be scored (OG, header, Free kick, 25 yarder, tap in, penalty etc)

7. Give two major realistic incidents to happen in the match?

8. Who would referee this match?

The 1980's Squad

Players with more than 20 league appearances between 1979/80 and 88/89 only

KEEPERS

Henry Smith (303)
John Brough (71)

DEFENDERS

Walter Kidd (291)
Sandy Jardine(184)
Roddy McDonald(174)
Brian Whittaker(156)
Craig levein (133)
Neil Berry (132)
Peter Shields(92)
Dave McPherson(76)
George Cowie(68)
Frank Liddel (61)
Jim Jefferies (45)
Jimmy Sandison(39)
Colin More (33)
Jim Denny (33)
Crawford Boyd(33)
MIDFIELDERS

Gary Mackay (241)
Kenny Black(178)
Alex McDonald(122)
Dave Bowman(116)
Ian Jardine (70)
Steve McLaren(67)
Pat Byrne (65)
Mike Galloway (56)
Andy Watson (56)
Mike Robinson (54)
Alex Hammil (41)
Cammy Fraser (37)
Derek Addison (32)
Eammon Bannon (30)

STRIKERS

Robbo (224)
John Colquhoun(159)
Sandy Clark (136)
Derek O'Connor (109)
Wayne Foster (82)
Willie Gibson (71)
Willie Pettigrew(68)
Jimmy Bone (56)
Willie Johnston(55)
Donald Park (52)
Chris Roberston(43)
Malcolm Robertson(35)
Alan Moore (29)

The 1990's Squad

Players with more than 20 league appearances between 1989/90 and 98/99 only

KEEPERS

Henry Smith (173)
Gilles Rousset (100+)
Nicky Walker (50)
Craig Nelson (24)

DEFENDERS

Dave McPherson (300+)
Craig Levein (196)
Tosh McKinley (189)
Alan McLaren (168)
Neil Berry (124)
Paul Ritchie (100+)
Gary Locke (100+)
David Weir (90+)
Neil Pointon (67) Graham Hogg (58)
Stevie Frail (54)
Alan McManus (44)
Gary Naysmith (40+)
Pasquale Bruno (35)

MIDFIELDERS

Gary Mackay (263)
John Miller(133)
Derek Ferguson (104)
Steve Fulton (100+)
Eammon Bannon (82)
Colin Cameron (75+)
George Wright (68)
Scott Leitch (55)
Salvatori (50+)
Thomas Flogel (40+)
Van De Ven (39)
Snodin (34)
Davie McReery (27)
Jim Bett (26)
Brian Hamilton (25)

STRIKERS

Robbo (289)
John Colquhoun(186)
Scott Crabbe (97)
Alan Johnston (84)
Wayne Foster (77)
Ian Ferguson (72)
Neil McCann (70+)
Jim Hamilton (70+)
Ian Baird (64)
Stephane Adam (50+)
Kevin Thomas (51)
Mo Johnston (35)
Alan lawrence (26)
David Hagen (25)
Gary McSwegan (20+)

The Red Hand Gang

After reading 'Mac The Knifes" article in issue 41, I feel yet again very annoyed at the attitude of some fans towards several of the worlds official national symbols.
This guy has the typical views of the "New Breed Fan" which I have grown to detest at Tynecastle, the type of fan who jumps onto a clubs bandwagon, puts a knife tight into the clubs proud tradition and then tries to rip the heart light out of it.
His article, along with the long running saga on certain flags that should or shouldn't be flown at Tynecastle should in my opinion continue because it lets us know what the fans really think and the more articles for the fanzine, the better.
Mac displays the typical uneducated,thoughtless, feeble points of view towards two very popular flags and the football fans who wish to fly them. Firstly the flag he mentions as an imperial symbol labelled as shite is the flag of Northem Ireland, if i'm right in saying the flag he saw at Rugby Park was the Hearts supporters from Ulster naturally they will display a banner, just like the Manchester or Midlands Hearts to identify what part of the world they come from, is it a crime to be from Ulster and support Hearts? They were probably the same fans who had their "Ulster Hearts" banner at the 1986 and 1998 cup finals, if you have any doubt look at the back of John Fairgreve's "The Boys In Maroon" book, you will see the banner in the colour photo of the Hearts fans in the Mount Florida end. Yet again these were probably the same fans who were horrible treated at the second Rangers game at Tynecastle, they were forced to take verbal abuse from second class Hearts fans, who haven't got a clue, and biased officials who were quick to jump the gun and identify the flag as being a Rangers one.
The actual flag of Northern Ireland consists of a red hand, which is the symbol of the Ulster province, the six pointed star where the hand sits in represents the six counties of that province and the crown is so obvious even "Mac the knife " could suss that one out. but its official and no one can argue on that, so i cant understand where the racist, bigoted intent is by flying it, the same can be said for the Union flag, if you didn't go to school I am glad to inform you that it is the National flag for England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales, and each country has its own independent flag to recognise itself with. Since we have the national flags of France, Austria, Italy, England and Angola flying at Tynecastle what a great idea it would be to save three flagpoles, instead of having a Scottish, English and an Ulster flag flying, why not have a great big Union flag flying from the centre of the main stand, or would that make us racist football club......
There was even more anger vented as Mac proceed to attack Stephen backwood's article from issue 40, yet again more weak points were put forward regarding the Edinburgh Huns Loyalist e.t.c. issues, what Mac should do is to come of his "Brave heart" soapbox and educate himself, in order for him to make his points more valid. He is the stereotype Scotsman who' s attitudes towards our English friends is of a one track mind, eg England fans = hooligans, he claims he was in Paris for what i presume was the World Cup, and was he part of the group of Scots fans who brought shame upon our country by their large scale drunkenness, the urinating in the streets, indecent exposure, shouting and singing at the top of their voices in the middle of the night, this is hardly regarded by the Parisians as good behaviour, its mostly because the Scots fans are not aggressive that this type of behaviour was tolerated. The only point Mac can score over me is the fact he was in Paris, personnally I wouldn't cross the street to watch Scotland mostly because of previous managers ignorance towards John Robertson and other East Coast players.
Getting back to the point on the Union flag saga, well at least when I fly my flag i' ve got the common sense to fly it the right way up, just look at some of the numskulls we have who continue to fly it upside down, the sign of "surrendered".
So to fly the flag of Ulster and the UK is not a crime unless you happen to assault a loud mouth uneducated, second class football fan that thinks by ending an English written article with "Soar Alba" is so f**king Scottish! "BANNOCKBURN" YA BASS

CABIN HEARTS [forever] 1
WAVERLEY MANKY MOB 0.

P.S. Sorry to see Jim Harmilton to go, I only hope Hearts are safe for this last game of the season, hoping Hearts get beat 3-2 with Jim scoring a hat-tiick and displaying his middle finger at Chris Robinson, Leslie Deans and then saying to Jim Jeffiies and Billy Brown "you shouldn' t have blamed me for your unsuccessful tactics this season by continually putting me on the bench". Strikers are noted for their goalscoring records not their overall match performance, its no wonder Jim played better away from home because of the bandwagon fans wouldn't follow our team, thus less barracking for him to listen to, so he could concentrate on scoring goals. Also his enthusiasm for the club when we won the cup was tremendous, just look back at the T.V. coverage of both the game and the Sunday parade, to me that proved his heart was well into the club, unlike some others!

"JIM-BOB" YOU DONE US PROUD MATE, ALL THE BEST.

A Tribute to THE JAM PIECE

















Juvenile Seating Arrangements

Some comments from the Hearts KICKBACK forum regarding juvenile seating arrangements.

My 12 year old witnessed a fight between two Jambo's in the old north enclosure last night just a few seats away from where he was sitting. His mum's for not letting him back. He couldn't get a kids ticket for anywhere in the new stands as Celtic take over the Family Section in the Roseburn Stand for a Category A Game. Why couldn't I buy a ticket for him in a seat near to my seat in the Wheatfield Stand without paying full adult price? In the old days there was a boys gate and you went anywhere in the ground.. What's changed? A seats a seat or is it just another money grabbing ploy. Would Robinson & Deans like to come round to my house and give my wife an explanation or just lose another lifelong Jambo? For any of you that have got or are getting Kids! You'll find it a real nightmare to take them to a big game. My son also reports that you can't see over the Grown ups heads in the Enclosure. He had to stand on his seat to see. Kids are the Hearts Supporters of the future without a voice so treat them right.

My Laddie is already asking for a Season Ticket for when he is a Teenager. He wants to go with his mates, sing songs and eat pies not to sit with his boring old man and cronie mates or any body else over the age of 18 for that matter. There is a real case for a Juvenile only section of the Ground as well as a family section. I can understand club fears that teenagers can be a bit hot-headed. But in these days of seat numbers, cameras and stewards I don't see a problem. Certainly this would keep the season ticket sales up next season and also make a lot of kids happy.

Yes, That's what I was getting at earlier - when you and I used to meet our mates at the corner of the shed there was a real buzz in being together, having fun, larking about. It can't be much fun for the 13 year olds now with their grump dads (like you!) there. I think a teenage section somewhere fully under cover would be great - there is no doubt they would sing, for a start.

Comment from Motherwell Zine

The BAD

Come on the Hearts

Couldn't get any worse, could it?

Bottom of the league, lost four out of four to Dundee, the Hibbies have just won the First Division by an absolute fucking mile, and we don't seem to have a clue what to do about staying up. The team's been changed so many times we don't know who's playing from week to week, David Weir's gone, Neil McCann's gone, and if you believe the rumours, it's only a matter of time before we lose Paul Ritchie. (As I said in my letter to the last issue of NIT, we can cope with the loss of Weir, but losing Ritchie is another matter altogether). Maybe Jefferies bought Kevin James as a replacement. And was I just looking for problems yesterday against Killie, but did Ritchie look like his mind was a million miles away, thinking about the several thousand pounds a week contract he'll be getting soon? Or did he just have an off day?

HOWEVER. This isn't going to be a "Aw naw, we're doomed" moan about the Jambos and our present plight. I don't wear rose tinted specs, but there are positives. Yesterday against Killie (apart from throwing away a two-goal lead when we should have been 5-0 up by half time) I think the team showed definite signs of improvement. Steve Fulton showed some nice touches and a bit of dig (at last), Gary McSwegan broke his duck, which can only boost his confidence (hopefully he can rattle in a few more against his old team on Tuesday night) and Darren Jackson, yes Darren Jackson (I still can't believe it) looked like he actually wanted to play for Hearts. And what if Marshall didn't save that thirty-yard drive? No one would have been booing him then. (A quick word on that – there is absolutely no fucking need whatsoever for Jambos to boo a Hearts player just because he happened to play for the Leith Vermin at one stage. The guy's a Hearts player now, SO GET BEHIND HIM!!!).

The team overall looked like it had a bit of fight about it, and, some of the football we played was excellent. Why couldn't we have played like that all season?

So, by the time the fanzine goes into print, we'll almost be at the end of the season, and all of the points I've made in this letter might be vindicated, and we might be safe. Or, we might be passing the Hibbies on the way down, and looking forward (?) to the prospect of watching Robbo hit three goals past Rousset at Tynecastle next season.

We've got the players, we've got the manager and we've got the fans. Hearts can't go down. Can anyone honestly say that Dundee and Dunfermline have better players than us? They've got First Division players who can battle a bit when things get tough. It's up to the present Hearts squad to show that not only are they far better players than the shite at Dens and East End, but they've got the bottle as well.

Here's hoping…

Dougie Grant

1998/99 Survery

We have changed the questions a little this year (thank goodness, I can hear some of you saying). It's not been a great season, but that doesn't mean we can't cpngratulate those who deserve it. Please make an effort. Let's have your entries back by July 5th (along with your millenium team and your quiz answers). Cheers

1. Hearts player of the year?

2. Hearts young player of the year?

3. Best Hearts match?

4. Worst Hearts match?

5. Hearts goal of the season?

6. Worst refereeing decision against Hearts?

7. Most blatant thing Hearts got away with?

8. Best Hearts foul of the season?

9. Best foul against a Hearts player?

10. Best liked figure in Scottish Football?

11. Least liked figure in Scottish Football?

12. Best pub near Tynie?

13. Best Edinburgh Pub for a good night oot?

14. Best away pub?

15. Worst away ground for booze?

16. Name your ideal league of 16 Scottish teams.

17. Given that Soctland will always get the worst deal compared to England, whihc time is best for live matches? Saturday 12:00, Sunday 18:00, Friday Evening, other (state which)

18. What has pissed you off most about Hearts this season?

19. Blame is something that we would never do! If you had 100 blame points to spend, how would you share them out in this seasons evidence?

Chris Robinson
Jim Jefferies
The Board
Players
Fans
No real reason

Your name:

Address (optional) : (if you give your address we will only send you letters informing you when the new issue is due)

Oh Mickey your so fine

Does anybody really know what is happening to Colin Cameron this season?I'm sure I wasn't the only person shocked to see him taking his place in the starting line up against Killie on 10th April. This was only 2 weeks after Jefferies told us Mickey would be out for the season. As the article alongside explains, he aggravated his injury again by coming back too soon in the games against St Johnstone and Aberdeen. At the time this was seen as a panic measure by JJ at a time when we couldn't have scored in a brothel and all the whores were already Iying down unconscious and undressed.

I remember after the Aberdeen match saying I hoped Cameron's career was not being put in jeopardy by him being forced to play when clearly unfit.

Surprise then, to read that his pelvic problem had been solved by a Paris dentist making him wear a gumshield!! Apparently in the surgery he was told to close his eyes and walk on the spot. When he did this he found he had moved significarAly forward ;md to the left. The dentist then made him bite a piece of cardboard, and voila, the problem was solved, from being out for the season he was back into the starting line up!

Is it me, or is there something weird here? What's next, is Stephen Pressley going to get his haircut with a visit to a lawyer? Is Steve Fulton going to lose weight by spending time in a tattoo parlour? Maybe we could solve Rousset's reluctance to come off his line by sending him somewhere to get his confidence back, any suggestions?

Getting back to Colin Cameron, I am delighted to see him back in a Hearts jersey, and really pleased he's got a goal for the season. However, I have read that he is still extremely sore inbetween games and probably takes a multitude of vitamins and pills to keep him going. Let's hope he's back to his best next season, with no ill effects of his rush back this season.

Lest we Forget

Just in case any of you were harbouring any notions of enjoying yourself in Division 1 next season, let's not forget for one moment some of the reasons why we just cannot go back there!

AIRDRIE - The Buckfast Capital of the world
- Watching Gary Mackay putting one over the Jambos

AYR UTD - A 70 mph sea-breeze wafting down the ground
- East Kilbride, Eaglesham
- The delighful drive along the A71 (nuff said)

CLYDEBANK - Boghead for god's sake!
- Even worse, Carlisle!
- Empty stadium

FALKIRK - The worst ground in Scotland
- The worst fans in Scotland (for whinging)
- Myles Hogarth playing a blinder

INVERNESS - A 399 mile round trip
- Another £100 weekend!

LIVVY - Negotiating a dozen roundabouts, arriving late at the ground
- Missing Robbo's opener from a clearance by Alan McManus, followed by a super flick on by John Millar- Eeek!

MORTON - This quaint fishing village makes Govan look like Las Vegas
- Another Kevin Thomas Hat-trick!
- I was lifted here in 1978, I don't like this place

RAITH ROV - I can't think of anything bad to say about Raith Rovers,
- Oh yes, David Kirkwood

ST.MIRREN - Where the off licences are surrounded by barbed wire
- Huns disguised as Buddies
- It's safer to get a pint in Kosova!
- Macaroon bars, Rolls with no butter and one slice of ham
- One turnstyle for away fans

...ONLINE...

Since the last issue of NIT came out, the Hearts fans forum on the internet, KICKBACK, has turned into a right old rumour mill. Some of the stories were getting a bit ridiculous but they reached breaking point a few weeks ago when someone posted a message telling us that Darren Jackson was about to sign. Needless to say that this was dismissed as coming from someone who had had one to many shandies but as it turned out, all of us who laughed this off ended up with egg on our face. Anyway after having some initial doubts Darren has proved us wrong with a couple of great performances which have seen him being voted as the NIT…Online… man of the match in his first two games. Who would have thought that that would have been possible just a few months back. Anyway Stevie Fulton and Thomas Flogel are still out in front but Paul Ritchie and Gilles Rousset are hot on their tails.

Over the past couple of months the guestbook on the NIT site has been hit by some real morons. I don't really believe in deleting comments that are put onto the NIT site but recently these have been abusive and as there are a lot of kids who read the site I decided that they had to go. Some have come from Hibs and Sellik fans but most strangely we have had several abusive postings from Dundee fans. As I write this, I have just read that Dundee have started their redevelopment of Dens. WHY? Wouldn't the money have been better spent buliding a by-pass round Dundee and bull dozing everything inside it, as the only thing that that city is good for is a petrol stop on the way to Aberdeen!!! Apologies to any Hearts fans in Dundee but it really is a pointless city where every window has net curtains. If Dundee get relegated for not having their stadium ready in time would anyone really shed any tears. Its just a pity that they can't relegate United aswell. Wouldn't it be great not having to make the journey to Dundee for an entire year.

Back to the NIT site and recently we have launched the "Your Say" section. If your on the net, this is your chance to have your say on the biggest unofficial Hearts site. Basically you can leave a message about any issues surrounding the club here, the more controversial the better, as its more likely to cause a bit of a debate but be warned that any abusive or offensive postings will be removed as soon as I read them. Anyway I hope that those of you who use this feature enjoy it and use it in the way it is intended to be used.

Onto other matters now and just recently a team representing the Kickback forum took part in the Hearts quiz night held in the Gorgie Suite. Thankfully we didn't come last but it was a close run thing as half of our team were blootered before the first question was asked. To save embarrassment I want mention names when I tell you that Kevin Littlejohn and Iain Lawrie didn't manage to answer a single question in the entire evening. They did however manage to turn up which is more that can be said for our London Hearts member, Barry who made the long journey to Tynie only to be told that he was 24 hours too early!! Better luck next time mate! Anyway stars of the night were Pam, Murray and Dianne who helped us salvage some pride and just kept us of bottom place.

Finally as this is the last issue this season I would like to take the opportunity to thank Kevin Littlejohns, Tom Heaney, Geoff Kilpatrick, James Wadell and Peter Houston who have all contributed towards the running of the website this season.

Cheers Grant

Where have all the WEEDGIES gone?

11th April 1999, Scottish Cup Semi Final at Parkhead between Rangers and St Johnstone. "Biggest" club in Britain versus League Cup finalists and European spot chasers - must be a packed house. Far from it. Amazingly, only 20,000 turned up to watch these 2 teams do battle.

Here was a match between a team who averages 50,000 at home against a team who rarely reach these dizzy heights (which implies all their fans should be desperate to involve themselves in something this big). So why was there such a low attendance? This must be a worry for the future of the game in Scotland.

The match was "live" on Sky To add to that, the stupid kick off time of 6:05pm on Sunday would present the lovely bears a couple of problems. The underground shuts at 6pm on Sundays and with so many of their fans coming from far away it is hardly the ideal time or day. This may at first seem a fair point, but this would only affect a few thousand fans, not 40,000.

Bears are really part timers I believe quite strongly that if Rangers were to lose say 4 consecutive games and go out of the running for the championship you wouldn't see some of the Rangers fans for dust. There's always been a suspicion that Celtic supporters are more loyal than Rangers supporters. Ths may be true, although I think it is just that they are more stupid, gullable and hypocritical (ie Viduka and Blinker, one week they are a bit of shite on their shoes, the next heroes for life).

The missing 10,000 waiting list Murray & Co are always bleating on about how they have over 10,000 on their waiting list for season tickets, so where are all these fans when they have the chance to go and watch their team? Clearly, this is just the Murray PR machine in action and there is nowhere near this amount on the waiting list.

Won't give Celtic the money There are many Rangers fans who swear they will never set foot inside Celtic Park such is their hate for their City neighbours. This is a lame excuse, it just shows gers fans to be petty and stupid. I cannot believe this involves many thousands of people.

Ticket prices too high This is a valid excuse, particularly for a team who has been involved in more games this season than any other. They have played St Johnstone five times and some are probably sick of the sight of them.

What it all boils down to is that the Rangers fans, apart from around 15,000 hardcore loyal fans, are glory hunting bastards who only get turned on by a meeting with Celtic.

As for the St Johnstone support, I know Perth isn't the biggest city in Scotland but surely they could have mustered more than 4,000. Then again, maybe they were all away shooting grouse with somebody called Findlay or Crawford. It really is quite alarming the lack of support that the Semi final received and surely the SFA must act to rectify this system or the product will come less attractive to sponsors and the Scottish cup will become nothing. Why should a major sponsor want to have his advertising boards right next to row upon row of empty seats?

I think there has to be more realism in the pricing of certain matches. Rangers vs Celtic sells easily, as do matches involving Hearts and Aberdeen, but when a small team is involved and it is live on the TV, why not reduce the price accordingly (say £10).

Another contributory factor is that the package offered in England for the semi finals is very attractive. Both games are on Sky live and the kick offs are staggered. This offers your football punter an almost uninterrupted feast of football from 12:00 noon till 8:00pm watching Man utd, Arsenal, Newcastle and Spurs. What incentive after that is there to want to go and see Rangers vs St Johnstone? Maybe if the SFA ensured that the Scottish Cup semis didn't clash with any other major live football more would attend.

Of course, some fans (particularly those who follow provincial teams) will argue that it is hardly worth turning up against the Old Firm. You just have to speak to Falkirk fans to disprove that theory.

This brings me on to something I overheard in the pub recently when two people were discussing these problems. "The Old Firm should be handicapped in cup ties" the bloke said. "Any club playing Rangers or Celtic should receive a 2 goal start" so giving provincial clubs more chance of success!

So there it is. My message to the SFA is simple : Slash your ticket prices and give us a 2 goal start over the weedjies and we'll promise to turn up in large numbers - then again the Old Firm fans would probably take the huff.

Eric

The KELTY BEANO TRIP

Well picture the scene. Saturday April 17th 1999. Hearts have just drawn nil – nil at McDiarmid Park and the Linlithgow and District supporters club are back on our mini-bus heading for the Forth Road bridge and starting to make plans for our Saturday night. At least most of us were except for Brian Smilley who was more intent on annoying everyone else on the bus as he couldn't get a free pass for the night. Anyway there we were, 5:30 at night and we were looking at getting back to Lithgae for 6pm when all of a sudden the bus grinds to a halt on the hard shoulder.

What could be wrong? Did the drive need a pish stop? Did we have a puncture? Had we knocked someone over? NO!! In the drivers words, the ******* fan belt has burst and we ain't going anywhere until its fixed.

That was it, the first ever and most probably the last ever Kelty BEANO trip was started. In the distance we spotted what looked like a small village so it was up and over the hard shoulder, through a couple of farmers fields and into some sort of civilisation for all the lads, well not all Charlie managed to flag down another supporters bus. Some guys are just too sensible!! First stop was the hotel which to our surprise was full of drunken lads falling about the place.

Have you seen those western movies where a stranger walks into a bar then the music falls silent and everyone stops what they are doing. Well now I know where the film it. To say a certain uneasiness fell across the pub would be a bit of an understatement. Don 't think the locals were quite ready for an entire Hearts supporters bus to invade their local. Anyway after a few bevvies the locals took to us and their stoney silence was replaced with a few friendly grunts. We decided to move onto another pub but were warned by the barman that it was a bit rough doon there. Jesus Christ if it was rougher than the place we were in it must have been like Beirut. We took his advice and took comfort in the fact that the locals had stopped pointing their pool queues at us in a spear like fashion.

Then the bus driver found us and told us that he couldn't get a hold of anyone at the depot and that we were stuck until they could send another bus as every single garage (all one of them) in Kelty was closed as the employees go out for a bevvy on Saturday afternoon. Aparently happy hour from Kelty is from noon until 4pm every Saturday. At least that explains why everyone in the pub was falling about.

So for the guys on the bus who had made arrangements with their wifes/girlfriends to go out on that night there was the big dilemma. Do they make the phone call to say that they won't be home in time as the bus has broken down and that there stuck in a pub drinking cheap lager in Kelty. Yeah RIGHT, can you see your missus swallowing that one? 5 of the guys phoned home to make their excuses and guess what…..5 of them got the cold shoulder. Well would you believe it if you were in their shoes?

Eventually we did get home at about 9pm and I for one hope that we never ever ever have to endure the 2nd Kelty Beano trip!!

Thornie

Catch 22 - Gary McSwegan

(We've got (relative) new boy Gary McSwegan to fill in our questionarie this time, and we'd like to extend our gratitude to Gary for answering our questions in a very difficult time for the club.)

1. As is being proposed in cricket, which song would you choose to accompany you onto the pitch?
Any Hearts song

2. If you were a pigeon, who (or what) would you shit on and why?
Anywhere in England

3. What posters did you have on your walls as a kid?
Mostly football stuff

4. What really pisses you off outside of football?
I hate smoking!

5. What football team did you support as a boy?
Rangers and Hearts

6. If you weren't a footballer what would you be doing for a living now?
Something in sport.

7. What opposing player has wound you up most recently?
Ex team mate MARK PERRY. He kicked my knee recently and its only just getting better.

8. How do you relax on your day off?
Bookies and watch TV, or go somewhere with the family.

9. What is the worst thing that you have ever had shouted at you from the crowd?
Anything that concerns the family.

10. Best, lager, whisky, vodka, hooch, cider or wine?
Lager beer and wine!

11. Tikka Masala, Sweet & Sour, Steak, McDonalds or Pizza?
Sweet & Sour

12. What is you favourite restaurant?
Amber Regent (Glasgow)

13. What is the best video that you have watched recently?
Something about Mary

14. Where is your favourite holiday destination?
Florida

15. Are there any opposing players you socialise with after matches?
Robbie Winters, Andy McLaren, Mark Perry

16. Is there any sport you are really good at apart from football?
I like golf and snooker but I am hopeless!

17. What is your favourite terracing song to get you motivated?
Any Hearts song

18. What would be your dream date?
My wife and a nice meal.

20. Who would you pay good money to go and see (dead or alive)?
Elvis Pressley, Frank Sinatra, Pele

21. What was the last concert that you went to see?
The Corrs (Ingliston)

22a. What type of car do you drive at the moment?
Audi 1.9 TDI

22b. If you had the dosh, what type of car would you like to drive?
Red Ferrari Testarossa

Fan Profile

Name: Maxwell Moodie Age : 13 Months
Describe yourself in one sentence: A ball watcher with a Dick Advocaat hairstyle.

How did you become involved in the masochistic ritual that is supporting HMFC? 5th generation of hopeless optimists my Dad and Mum said if they have to go so do I.

What is the first Hearts match you can remember going to? Celtic at Tynecastle(1-1) in February 1998 aged 3 weeks,though I played a very active part in the 5-3 Killie game at Tynecastle in November 1997.

The best ever Hearts strip (home or away)? The one my Mum bought me

The worst ever Hearts strip (home or away)? Neil McCann's XL away strip that my Mum wears.Clarissa Dickson with a bin bag would look better.

Best ever 60 seconds as a Hearts fan? Being kissed by Stephane Adam outside the Real Mallorca ground.

Worst ever 60 seconds as a Hearts fan? McCoist's hat trick at Rugby Park after my Mum promising me that we were going to kill Killie and singing about it most of the way there in the car.

Best goal ever scored by a Hearts player? Jose Quitongo's v Celtic to get a draw in February 1998.I really screamed at that one.

Do you have a claim to fame? Ever ran a player over, or spilt drink over one?Burped when JJ said " Hi! son." to me.

Your favourite Hearts song Hello!Hello! or at least our own version of it.I also like our song "I am the Pieman"sung to the Beatles tune "I am the Walrus"(close likeness eh!)

What would you like to be able to purchase inside Tynecastle? Milky Bar Buttons!

Which player really gets up your nose in Scottish football? Ian Ferguson,the Prince of Darkness.

£18 to watch Aberdeen - overpriced? Of course not.You get two shows in one.Firstly the comedy on the pitch and,for me even better,people watching while the sheep snecking sweetie sookers bleat at the heidless chookies that are Aberdeen Flock Club.

Chief Executive Chris Robinson - RASPS or ROSES My Dad says for a pieman the catering in the old stand is bogging.

Any stories about a European trip you'd like to share with us? Apart from being the most photographed bairn in Majorca in 1998,you mean? In my Hearts strip I was adorable and irresistible to the drunken maroon hordes.Most tales of that trip have been censored for fear of offending my delicate sensibilities.However,I was taken to the Real Mallorca v Oviedo game the Sunday before the match and my mum got talking,if a complete mutual ignorance of each other's language can be called talking,to this spanish lady sitting next to her.At one point an Oviedo player called Jaime did a Gough/Ferguson/Larsson on one of the Mallorcan smarmers and this woman screamed"Cabron!".My mum foolishly asked her what it meant and two or three minutes of gesticulation and a Catalonian version of charades later elicited the answer which can be roughly translated as "goat wanker"It was wonderfully descriptive but the icing on the cake was watching my mum's face get steadily redder while my dad,such was his amused reaction to these antics, struggled to remain perched on his seat.

What would be your all-time eleven (plus manager) 1 Jim Cruikshanks 6. John Cumming
2 SandyJardine 7. Gary Mackay
3 Davie Holt 8. John Robertson
4 Dave Mackay 9. Alec Young
5 Craig Levein 10. Tommy Walker
6 John Cumming 11. Jimmy Murray

This team compiled from genetic memory though there are plenty others that could or should be in.

If the teams from the following years played each other at Tynecastle what Would the score be?

Team of 68 v Team 76 3-0 Team of 68 v Team of 86 0-2
Team of 68 v Team 96 1-3 Team of 76 v Team of 86 0-3
Team of 76 v Team 96 0-3 Team of 86 v Team of 96 2-1
Team of 98 v Team 68 2-1 Team of 98 v Team of 76 2-0
Team of 98 v Team 86 1-2 Team of 98 v Team of 96 2-2

Yer Aff Yer Heid

It goes by the name of the Daily Ranger or the Vatican Times, either way it clearly is to the people of the East a Glasgow bias tabloid. The Weegie news has now gone to new depths in its decision to employ a small minded, four eyed chip on the shoulder Motherwell fan. Yes, what what better way to hit out at our beloved team than employ Tam Cowan. Who! I here you ask, you know, the superstar on his own doorstep, the bammer that does off the ball on a Saturday. With his Andy Goram face mask, he smugly professes to the Scottish nation his dearest wish, that Hearts are relegated. His attitude and real venom towards Hearts is really puzzling, this brought me to the conclusion that T. C was a victim of many a kicking from the infamous Gorgie Boys back in the late seventies and now has the outlet to vent his anger.

He continually slags our signing polices the pricing for Tynie, our support in fact any garbage he can dig up to fuel his hate. The Weegie news must be hard up for journalists to employ a person that continually covers old ground nearly ever other week. Yes, Tynecastle is over priced but is 85% full every week. His forked tongue tells us the Motherwell support boycotts Tynie as a protest to the inflated prices. Bullshit! There simply is no away support. Hearts on the other hand take at least 3-4000 fans to Motherwell, this brings in much needed revenue as well as an atmosphere for provincial clubs likes T.C's heroes.

Motherwell were lucky to find a sugar daddy from their vast support. His vision was to fill Fir Park to capacity, how could he manage such a feat, firstly he slashed admission prices to £5 and £1 except for the old firm and Hearts, the big three in his chairman's eyes, that really must have stuck in T.C's throat.

This move increase the home support to 6000. He then tries a ladies day this results in queues never witnessed at Fir Park, for the ladies bog! What next, free entry with Jam jars or embassy coupons. The main problem as T.C. deep down already knows is the fans that choose to leave Motherwell each week to watch the Old Firm. Does he come out and slag these glory hunters, not on your life. His mew found status in the Weegie news would not last long as T.C. demolishing a fish supper on a Saturday night.

My wish for the rest of the season? How sweet it would be for a certain team from Lanarkshire to be relegated.

The Goader

The cheek of them. As being of a placid nature and not a person to upset anyone, it really raised my old blood pressure to read an article in our sister fanzine. There I was enjoying a wee read and came across an interview with Tynecastle PR man Douglas Dalgleish. To quote PR Dougie "The Chris Robinson interview was good, you got him to say some things that surprised me." They gleefully take the creit for goading the chief exec. I feel hurt that they dare steel my thunder, after all, at the time of the interview our sister fanzine interviewees surely did not hear the controversial questions as by this time they were so far up Chris Robinsons arse.

Davie Weir

HEARTS L!VE

Well Hearts Live is still going strong and we're all still loving working on the show.The first year has been fantastic and the cooperation of Jim, Billy and the boys as well as everyone else at Tynecastle has made it a pleasure to work with Hearts, as well as the cooperation of everyone else up at Tynecastle who have helped to make our lives so much easier...even when we've made theirs a nightmare!! So I would just like to take this opportunity to thank everybody at Tynecastle, on behalf of all of us here at Hearts Live, for all their help and support all season, even when things have been bad, they've all been great. I would also like to thank everyone who has tuned in for watching. From what you're telling us through competitions, calls, letters and when any of the Hearts Live team bump into fans you all seem to enjoy the show and I hope we're keeping it interesting for you. We'll be on the air until the end of the season...unfortunately no cup final to round it off nicely but maybe next year!! Look out for a few specials throughout the summer....we'll advertise them don't worry and we'll see you all at the start of next season. Thanks again and hope you all keep watching!!

Lisa Doherty
Assistant Producer.

NO GROUNDS FOR COMPLAINT

I'd just like to say that if Hearts are 10th in the league, I hope they are not saved from relegation because Dundee failed to get their ground upgraded in time. Yes, Dundee have been dragging their heels a bit, and yes, I don't really like them (86 all all that), but provided their improvements are underway and due to be completed early next season, I think they should be given some leeway. It may be hard to take for the team in bottom position, but I firmly believe that if you are bottom of the league then you must go down.

It could be you

Read them and Weep

Before I researched this article, I thought it would cheer me up to prove that things were worse in the "old" days (Old days in my book start at the beginning of the Premier League in 1975). How wrong I wasl Here's the other really bad League runs we've had since that time. As you can see, this season is up there with the worst of them! The current (or most recent) run is underlined.

LEAGUE GAMES WITHOUT A WIN

98/99 - 12 gemes without a win (7/12/98 to 5/4/99)
93/94 - 12 games without a win
76/77 - 12 games without a win
80/81 - 11 games without a win
80/81 - 10 games without a win
78/79 - 10 games without a win
76/77 - 9 games without a win
92/93 - 9 games without a win
88/89 - 8 games without a win
83/84 - 8 games without a win
83/84 - 8 games without a win
88/89 - 7 games without a win
75/76 - 7 games without a win

CONSECUTIVE LEAGUE DEFEATS

78/79 - 10 straight defeats
80/81 - 6 straight defeats
98/99 - 5 straight defeats
92/93 - 5 straight defeats (including 6-0 at Falkirk)
84/85 - 5 straight defeats (including 5-2 at St Mirren)
76/77 - 5 straight defeats
98/99 - 4 straight defeats
94/95 - 4 straight defeats
84/85 - 4 straight defeats
80/81 - 4 straight defeats
80/81 - 4 straight defeats

CONSECUTIVE LEAGUE GAMES WITH NO GOALS

98/99 - 6 games without a goal (0-0,0-2,0 3,0-2,0-2,0-2!)
78/79 - 5 games without a goal (0-4,0-5,0-2,0-1,0-1!)
80/81 - 4 games without a goal (0-3,0-2,0-4,0-6!)
87/88 - 3 games without a goal
87/88 - 3 games without a goal
84/85 - 3 games without a goal
80/81 - 3 games without a goal
78/79 - 3 games without a goal
75/76 - 3 games without a goal

For the record, I was at all ten straight defeats in 1979 - ed.

Viva, Better than beaver

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Section last updated 9th June 1999

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Mail to Grant Thorburn
grant.thorburn@ukonline.co.uk