Issue 43(August 1999)



CONTENTS

The Front Cover

Its a Joke

Ten Years On.....

The Playing Side

"Glamour" Friendlies

Ex-Jambos in the news

Strip Sponsorship

2 Parting Thoughts

Radge Ragnars's Rant Outrageous

Hibernian Pyrotechnics

The Mark of the Beast

A Joke

...ONLINE...

It should have been us

The story of the Hearts 1874-1924

Houstie

Some have Greatness Thrust upon them...BUT"

Response to "We cannae sell all our tickets"

Tam Cowan Caption

The Gorgie Boys are in town

Stuart Dougal

The European Song

Great Expectations

He came, he saw, he was pish

1998/1999 Poll Results

So what does the match day announcer actually do????

The Anniversary Break-In

The Anniversary Break-In 2

Re the "Red Hand Gang" article in Issue 42

Hearts results match by match season 98/99

Ten uses for....Leigh Jenkinson

Cartoon

London Hearts

Hearts L!ve

Great away ends of our yesterdays

The Daz Challenge

What for the next 10 years

Big AL

Where can you contact us?

4 beers and a menu please

Lay off Jacko!

Beckhams Diary

10 Years of excellence

Dear NIT

The Back Page

THE FRONT COVER

Its a Joke

Do you remember these jokes from issue 14? They are possible the 3 worst jokes you are ever likely to hear.

A big interdenominatonal football match was due to take place between a team of Catholic priests and a team of rabbi's. Prior to the match, the star player for the Catholic team broke his leg. "What are we going to do now?" asked Monsignor O'Reilly, the manager.

"Well," said Father O'Neill hesitantly, "I know this is a little bit unethical, but Maurice Johnston happens to be a good friend of mine. Maybe if we just referred to him as Father Johnston we could slip him into the team unnoticed."

"Outrageous", we'll do it" cried Monsignor O'Reilly

At 5 o'clock on Saturday, father O'Neill telephoned Monsignor O'Reilly with the result. "I am afraid I have some bad news, we got beaten 4-1 by the Rabbi's".

"What?" said Monsignor O'Reilly "even with Father Johnston playing? Who scored for them?"

"Rabbi Gascoigne and Rabbi Beardsley" said Father O'Neill

A small boy stopped Hib's Pat McGinley in the street after a league game and said "could I please have your autograph"

"but I gave you my autograph last week, didn't I" said Pat

"yes, I know" said the boy, "but if I can get ten of yours, I can swap them for one of Leigh Jenkinson's"

A football widow was complaining to her husband that his passion for the game of football was ruining their marriage.

"You never take me out, you never buy me presents. You're never at home if there's a match on anywhere. You never even remember our anniversary. Why, I bet you've even forgotten the date of our wedding!"

"Of course I haven't" scoffed her husband, "It was the same day the Hearts under-16 team won the Eastercraigs Tournament!"

Ten Years On...

Well well, well TEN years on, who would have thought it? Firstly I would like to thank everyone who has contributed over the last 43 issues (over 300 names on file). Also, anyone who has taken the time (ofetn unrewarded) to sell the fanzine outside Tynecastle, and not forgetting those of you who have bought it over the years. We've no plans to pack it in, as long as you buy it, we'll produce it. Cheers.

Onto other matters now; firstly the content. It's a bit mixed. The anti-Robinson brigade are conspicuous by their silence and there have not been any league matches at print time. A week ago I wondered if we would be able to fill 32 pages, then the stuff came flooding in. We have wallowed a little in nostalgia (and if we can't do that on our tenth anniversary, when can we do it). That's why we've an article on 1986 about casuals, a very funny report from Lantana (which we missed first time round), a couple of topical Man.Utd ones, lots on the anniversary Tynie break-in, plus the Big Al episode (we finally got the Evening News article). At the time of writing, the fanzine is so stuffed full, I don't know if we'll have room for the "boring bit". Other than that, it's the same old crud as usual!

Remember the millenium competition from the last issue? That's where you choose the team of the 1980's to play the team of the 1990's. We've decided to hold it over till the next issue. Rather than reprint the 2 pages and be accused of "space filling", if you would like to enter this competition please use the information given in issue 42. If you don't have issue 42, drop us a line or E-Mail us and we'll get you an entry form. Please give us your input.

The Playing Side

On the playing side, I've only taken in the Fulham and Spurs games and our defensive frailties are there for all to see. I liked Flogel in the right back position, and Fulton was good enough in the left position, however I wonder how they would perform defensively in a game than matters? The other three give me the willies sometimes with their distribution! I think I'm like everyone at the moment, in that we have no idea what our strongest eleven are. I'd say that Rousset, Pressley, Cameron, Jackson, Adam and McSwegan are first on the teamsheet, but I wonder if JJ knows about the others. Naysmith and Ritchie should be definites, but for different reasons thay may not be ever-presents this season. So where does that leave James, Murray, LeClerc, Fulton, Flogel, Makel, Salvatori, Severin and Locke? What does the future hold for Leigh Jenkinson? He's the only wide player we have. Is LeClerc a right back? If so, why isn't he playing there? If not, which position did JJ have in mind when he signed him? I think everyone would like to see Juanjo get another chance this season. If he plays, who else doesn't? We signed Kirk who looks to have made a breakthrough, then next minute we sign Welsh who looks faster and better. Who'd be a manager?

"Glamour Friendlies

These "glamour" friendlies nearly always end up in an anti-climax and the two most recent were no exception. In both games, there were definitely grounds for invoking the trade descriptions act, particularly in the first half of each game. Still, we got to see Stan Collymore who is not a very nice person, but who is still a very good footballer. He strolled through the game and impressed me. David Ginola strolled through his game as well. He's fatter and greyer than in his "hair" advert, but at least he showed up and broke sweat. Fourteen quid is a lot of money to pay for a friendly and the crowd of 9000+ was good considering. One small complaint though. We had tickets for the Gorgie Stand and turned up at 2:50pm to find a queue back to the road. Why? Cash to the left, tickets to the right. Only there were no cash people going to the left and all those people who had bought tickets in advance had to queue. Not for long. I complained to a policeman, and it was sorted within 2 minutes. Unusual and I have to give him his due. We ended up with 4 of the 10 turnstiles to the left being cash, and the rest for tickets. Why doesn't somebody have their finger on the pulse in these situations? Somebody should tell the CE that he's not going to get 15,000 people to a friendly at fourteen quid!

EX-Jambos in the news

Neil McCann. It's funny how he has been picked on as being a typical example of the type of Scotland player who would snub Scotland in order to be able to play for Rangers instead. I can think of other players I'd pick on before him- goodness knows he waited long enough for his chance.

Alan Johnston. He has snubbed a new contract and had been told to get stuffed by his boss at Sunderland where he will play in the reserves till he leaves. Watch out Paul Ritchie!

Strip Sponsorship

I was interested to see that Hearts have offered us another sponsorship "window of opportunity" buy allowing us to sponsor the training top and the warm up top as well as the home and away top. How many tops do these players need? I thought I'd give Heather "the weather" a call to see if I could take up one of the deals. Three hundred and twenty three pounds and twelve pence for each of the 4 tops! I was a bit gobsmacked, not least because the home top obviously is the more prestigious deal. I also don't understand why they think (correct me if I'm wrong) they can attract four sponsors for a player when in my memory they have struggled to get 2 people to sponsor some players. For god's sake, make the warm-up strip a more attractive deal and you'll get sponsors.

2 parting thoughts

This time next year, Colin Cameron will be in exactly the same position as Paul Ritchie is now!

Why is Paul Ritchie kit not available for sponsorship in the Hearts vs Fulham programme ?

Enjoy the fanzine - Ed

Radge Ragnar's Rant Outrageous

Mr. R. in your last issue raged on about the lack of travelling support to Celtic on 6th February in true outside the chip shop at 11.30p.m. with a full tank style.

As one who has had to endure the trials of getting to and from that weedjie paradise and the old and new "facilities" for the maroon faithful as well as seeing the delights of Recreation Ground and Firs Park as he did,along with other unmentionable JT nightmares over the last 30 plus years, I cannot let his remarks pass without comment.

There are people in recent years who did not always get a ticket for the Hearts section and sneaked in amongst the green scum-like me. There are people who when they did get a ticket for that wonderful area beside the corner flag always ended up with that fucking support pillar in their face-like me. There are people who got fed up with it and decided to give it a miss for once - like me. There are people like that who object to the label Glory Hunter because for once they got so pissed off at the treatment of away fans at Plookhead that they voted with their wallets.

Instead of ranting at us he would have been better to have a go at glans sookers with the trophyless cabinet who were quite happy to take our cash when their own attendences crashed but are now jerking us off.

P.S. Why did one Bruno P. get his jotters that day? I still have never seen it.

Hibernian Pyrotechnics

A small piece in the press recently concealed a sinister scheme to redevelop Fester Road as a much needed mental hospital under the Private Initiative Schemes.

The Hibsuckers have cut the away capacity for the righteous by 1200 by denying them seats in the South end of the firetrap Old Main Stand. This tinderbox ripe for the match is now to be occupied only by the boil bespotted bums of the green phlegm.

On 4th August, while the righteous clad in their maroon robes look on, with a simple caress of the bluebell the firetrap and its contents will be consigned to a landfill site.No ground and therefore no team and no one around to complain!Then resources will be poured into building the new hospital to re-educate the lost masses of Leith and dehibify them.

What a breathtaking scheme!

It is rumoured that if there are insuffient numbers crammed onto the spelky seats that a postponement of the cauterisation of the abcess of Edinburgh football will reluctantly be postponed to 18th March.

The Mark of the Beast

In old horror movies Central European villagers were often heard to exclaim"The Mark of the Beast" as another poor vampire victim was uncovered. A certain Markarsevich Verrucca,spirited back from the pre season jaunt to Denmark and Norway with a sore thumb,presumably from sitting on it or from overuse,was spied in Borders Bookshop in Buchanan Street in Wedgieton scanning the magazines while his pals toiled to beat a bunch of Norwegian amateurs.Was it the Beano he was reading?Was it the Teletubs comic? No-he was at the Gay and Lesbian section and then at the Pets and Animals bit. What now but to exclaim.....

B.B. Busts B.B.

The Barca Boy a.k.a. Juanjo Carricondo has one of the hardest shots at Tynecastle.It' official!! In some caper at training the day before the Fulham game the other B.B. a.k.a. Billy Broon put such matters to the test.In wafting his hand at some blooter from the Barca Boy he managed to achieve the remarkable result of fracturing two of his fingers so badly they needed pinned. It is alleged,probably scurrilously,that one of the top orthopaedic surgeons at Edinburgh Royal Infirmary had to be called in to dissuade B.B. from having said digits permanently fixed in the notorious 'Victory' position.B.B. apparently thought this would be a good talisman and one that he could show his Hibernian acquaintances.

A Joke

This little kid is football mad, he's a Hearts supporter and also a devout Royalist. The Queen is paying a visit to Edinburgh for a couple of days and he is desperateto get an audience with her. "No peoblem", says his mum. "Just wear your football kit and we'll stand right at the front of the crowd as she goes past, when she sees the famous maroon and white strip, she is bound to stop".

So he gets kitted out in his brand new Millenium Hearts kit and follows the plan above. Just as she approaches him, she suddenly veers away and walks quickly towards a small kid in a hibs strip.

The wee Hearts fan is in tears, and his mum will do anything to help cheer him up. "Don't worry, son, we'll get you a hibs strip and we'll go back tomorrow".

So they do this; the wee Hearts fan dressed in a hibs strip , and sure enough, as soon as the Queen spots him, she comes over to him and whispers in his ear :-

"I though I told you to fuck off yesterday?"

...ONLINE...

Phew!!! Is that really the close season over already??? Its hard to believe that the season is back already but in the few short weeks since the season ended there has been a lot of activity regarding Hearts on the internet.

First up the new Hearts website should be launched in time for the Rangers game on August 7th. Here’s the moderator of the official site, Scott Wilson, to tell you a little more about the relaunch.

The Award Winning Official Hearts Site relaunched on August 7th with a whole new look and many new features. The site will contain the popular features that have made the site such a success over the years and there’ll be new ones too, like in depth team details, news from the dugout, a new on-line store and the goals from all of the home games this season on video! Plus on the same date every matchday magazine (programme!) will come complete with a CD Rom enabling fans to surf the net with hmfc.net. The newest FREE ISP around!

This allows you access to the Internet without any monthly membership fees. All calls are local and the helpline costs just 7p per minute! As well as all of that you can even get unlimited free e-mail addresses like yourname@hmfc.net The CD’s will also be available at the Hearts Superstore and by mail order. Finally, what’s the point of joining this free service? Every minute you are on-line you are helping the Club. Hearts get a payback from the telecoms company for every minute every subscriber is on-line. So not only can you surf free, but you’ll help the Club in the process. Get a disk, get on line and get surfing!

 Back to the No Idle Talk site now and its congratulations to Stephan Adam who narrowly seen of Paul Ritchie, Gilles Rousset and Tam Flogel to become the first ever winner of the No Idle Talk…Online… player of the year award which was voted for by emails from all around the world. Unfortunately Tom Heaney who run the competition this year is moving to America and will be unable to maintain this section for the coming season. The good news is that you can now re-register with Pamela Forbes who will be maintaining this section now. The address to register is jamtart18@hotmail.com with the subject as MOM Subscribe.

Speak to you soon

Grant

It Should have been us

There's a song from the 70's disco era sung by some diva whose name I can't remember called "It should have been me". It's about a girl attending a wedding and when the vicar or whatever asks if anyone has any objection to the marriage she jumps up and shouts, "It should have been me". Well a strange introduction I know but I recently attended the Lazio - Real Mallorca European Cup Winners Cup Final at Villa Park and this song sprung to mind. Yff that's right it should have been us. Majorca despite finishing 3~ in the Spanish Primera Liga and reaching this Final were not that impressive when they played the mighty let's. I'm confident in a deluded sort of way that we'd have taken RC Genk, Varteks and Chelsea to the cleaners in the subsequent rounds and reached the Final v Lazio in Birmingham.

Anyway it didn't happen so onto the day out. We left Edinburgh at 1 pm and were in Birmingham by 5.45pm well in time for a few pre-match drinks around the ground prior to kick off at 7.45pm. First port of call was a pub called "The Adventurers" and this was packed out with Lazio fans including members of the "Irriducibili", their organised support/mob. Doesn't it make you sick how smart Italians always look, even their tramps look better than our "snappy dressers" (quote form Portsmouth 6:57 in a letter to The Face circa 1985). From "The Adventurers" it was onto the Villa Social Club. This was quite a large building and had 2 bars. It had looked packed earlier on but when we arrived it had emptied a bit. No wonder it was £2.50 a pint or to be more precise a plastic pint tumbler. Why is it always my round in places like this? There was a mixture of Lazio and Majorca fans in this club with the split being about 80/20 in Lazio's favour, well it was close to their end. Unfortunately there was also about 5 or 6 Sellic scum fans making a nuisance of themselves singing irrelevant songs and trying to suck up to the Lazio fans with little success. Why is it that wherever you go in the world you bump into either a Fenian or a Hun? It happened to me at the Alamo in San Antonio (Hun) and at the last Belgian Cup Final (Fenian). it really pisses me off. Anyway where there's scum supporters there has to be a bit of abuse and this lot didn't want to know. "We're all neutrals the night lads, just enjoy the geme" Yeah, you might be right mate but it wasn't going to stop us abusing you, you low life bastard! They got the message.

After a pint in the Villa Social Club it was time for a wander and an attempt to sell our spare ticket. The sights were amazing with Lazio really going to town. Best sight was a Lazio fan wearing a large Eagles head {see their badge). Hats off to you signor you looked silly but what the hell it was a Cup Final. We wandered down towards the Mallorca end and all 3 of us were surprised at the numbers they had brought. All 3 were veterans of the Majorca trip and thought they'd only bring about 4,000. Wrong, I think the whole Island must have turned up. Makes a change, it's usually the other way round. There was Red and Black everywhere, I think everyone had been told to wear the same or else. This was thirsty work so another pub was required and located with ease. While a guy wearing a Hearts Cup Final T-shirt and his kid were being knocked back we slipped in for some more Brittany Spiers. With time getting on it was time to get to the match and as we walked back to the ground we just missed Spanish TV interviewing some fans, "it should have been me".

Selling the spare ticket just before kick off we made our way to our seats as the teams lined Uf having placed our Llnion Jack with Hearts badge in the middle over the advertising boards at the front. For those who object to the Union Sacks two words...Fuck you. And to Mr Robinson it's the real badge not that corporate nightmare you foisted on us so. To tne left of us in the Holte End were the massed ranks of Lazio fans with plenty flags and banners (that would never have happened at Hampden!!). The support was also split into 3 colours Blue, White and Sky Blue. This was achieved by everyone wearing coloured bibs and this also looked very impressive. I managed to get my hands on one of these (I liberated it from under an Italian seat) and it had "Irriducibilin on the front and "SS Lazio - RCD Mallorca" and the date on the back. It probably cost a fortune to organise but surely it's something Hearts fans could try especially v the Vermin if it's on Sky TV.

The game itself wasn't the greatest but the atmosphere generated by both sets of fans was superb. Lazio opened the scoring through a Vieri looping header and all the players ran to celebrate the goal just in front of our section and the Union flack. 4 minutes later Dani equalised for Mallorca and it was the turn of the Spanish to go wild. Following the exciting start it got back to a more subdued level and the game setded down to become a typical Cup final affair with neither side wanting to lose another goal. Half time saw both sets of fans trying to out do each other but I'd say a draw was a fair result, As the game threatened to end 1-1 with 8 minutes remaining, having wanted Lazio to win I now couldn't care as I had to drive all the way back and start work at 8am the next moming (so Extra time would have killed me), up stepped Nedved to crack home a great shot. Everyone erupted, me included, 2-1 to Lazio. Sorry Mallorca but had you not cheated us then I might have supported you but you did so there. When the final whistle blew there was bedlam and Lazio had won the last ever Cup Winner Cup. Having moved down to the front of the stand it was time to celebrate with the "Irriducibili" and as the Lazio players paraded the Cup and threw their shirts into the crowd my mate shouted "Oi Nesta, give us your fucking jersey". This obviously doesn't translate that well into Italian so needless to say we went home shirtless.

Leaving the ground we had time to reflect that it, given a serious slice of luck, could have been Hearts playing. No doubt we'd have beaten RC Genk only to lose to Varteks (the weakest side we'd have met) in typical Hearts fashion. The long drive home sobered me up and by Carlisle it was heavy eyelid syndrome. Still we got back in one piece at 3am and the day was filed away in the Great Away Days file. Top day out, I'd recommend it to anyone.

100%
LAZIO

Frankie Two Times...Two Times

The Story of "THE HEARTS" 1874-1924

A relative was clearing out an old house in Edinburgh last week and uncovered this little gem of a book which was written in 1925. It's less than A5 sized, with 109 large typed pages, and I loved every page of it. I've got the Pictorial History of Hearts which came out in the 1980's, so a lot of the information isn't exactly news, but I just love the pictures and particularly the language of the time. Here's part of one of the chapters.

IV WINNING THE SCOTTISH CUP

…The third round tie with Methlan Park, a Dumbarton club, was played at the sports ground connected with the electrical exhibition at Meggatland, being the first and last Scottish Cup tie ever played in an exhibition enclosure. The Hearts began to attract attention when they met and beat East Stirlingshire at Falkirk, but the slight contribution this tie made towards football history was not made through the usual channel. One of the Edinburgh backs fisted the ball out of his goal, and, in addition to provoking the spectators to riot, the incident helped to persuade leading members of the SFA that something more than an ordinary free kick was needed to cope with a growing evil. That "fist" was among the things which contributed materially to the enactment of the penalty kick.

The ballot was unkind to the Tynecastle Club. After visits to Ayr, Greenock and Falkirk the Hearts were drawn to travel to Cathkin. It was no light undertaking, the more so as a great railway strike made every mile of the way uncertain and arrival at one's destination a matter of now or never. A trainful of excursionists took four hours to travel from Edinburgh to Glasgow. At one place the engine was uncoupled in order that a supply of water might be got. The trainful of enthusiasts sat looking out into a storm of wind and rain that seemed to make football impossible, and as the hour of start was now reached, their mortification may be imagined.

Four league matches were abandoned that afternoon within a ten mile radius of Cathkin. Small wonder was it that there raged in the Third Lanark pavillion a hot debate, cup tie or no match. Captain Hill held out for a cup tie, a courageous referee declared the ground playable, and, as if to reward Hill for his resolution, fortune whispered into his ear "tail". "tail" it was and, winning the choice of ends the Hearts skipper as good as won the tie. Close on half time there rose above the roar of the storm a mighty rushing noise. The excursion train had discharged it's living freight at a local station, and the Hearts followers learned as they reached the ground that, though they had missed half the game, they were in time to assist at a big win. Buffeted by the storm and 3 down at the interval, Third Lanark were finally beaten by 4 goals to 1. What mattered that it took from 8:20pm to 12 midnight to make the return journey: were Hearts not the finalists?

The final was relatively easily won. It was a pretty rather than a great game. Dumbarton played well, the Hearts better. A single goal sufficed to bring the cup to Tynecastle and to occasion such speechifying as has never been heard since in an Edinburgh football conection. Mason, who scored the goal, was taken to the royal infirmary on the Monday following for treatment of an injury of some standing, and it was amazing to the doctors who saw him that he was walking, let alone playing football on the Saturday. If memory serves, that injury closed his career as a footballer. It was said at a later time that Robert Walker alone, of later Hearts' players would have been imported into the 1891 cup winning eleven to strengthen it. The players surely deserve to have their names perpetuated :-

Fairbairn; Adams and Goodfellow; Begbie, Macpherson, and Hill; Taylor, Mason, Russell, Scott and Baird.

Four of the eleven were Western-bred footballers, Macpherson , Hill, Mason and Scott; the others were all local, six of them natives of Edinburgh. The three half-backs and three of the forwards all won their English "caps". Slow they might be, judged from the modern standard (remember, this is 1925-speak - ed!), but the half-backs, the slowest of the lot, posessed the finest natural judgement, a great "backbone" they were.

No apologies for reproducing that fine piece of prose. Below is a photo from the book of the Hearts team from season 1875/76 (check out those fantastic 'taches!) . More next issue!



Houstie

Welcome back for the new season, here is an update on the new faces that are to be seen at Tynecastle this season. Firstly there are 3 new Groundstaff on board this season and they are Neil Janczyk pronounced ( yan a chic ), Gary Bryson and Robert Sloan. All three players have been with Hearts for a few years now at S Form level and are delighted to have been brought on full time at Tynecastle. Neil Jancyzk is a local lad from Mayfield and plays on the left hand side of Midfield, unfortunately Neil has already picked up a thigh strain during pre season and has missed the last two weeks of training. I’ve told him not to worry, he will soon catch up when he is fit.

The second lad is Gary Bryson who hails from East Kilbride and who was also a Hearts S Form, Gary plays as a right wing back mainly but is versatile and can fill in on a number of positions. Last but not least is young Robert Sloan from Paisley who is small but has shown in training that he is a very skillful and tricky winger, he normally plays on the left wing but can fill in on the right. Hopefully these youngsters can progress like predecessor Ritchie, Murray, Naysmith and Severin to gain a regular first team place.

Only Michael Cameron left from last years Groundstaff and I hope young Michael will be fixed up with another club soon. You will also have noticed the signings of young players like Andy Kirk and more recently Gary Wales. These players are still only 19 and given time by both management and fans I’m convinced that the future of Hearts with them and the other youngsters like O’Neil, Graham, Simmons, Neilson and Davidson is in very good hands. There is stiff competition for places at Tynecastle and if the experienced players are not producing then Jim and Billy won’t hesitate to play them.

Hopefully the players I have mentioned above will be able to develop gradually and that will mean that the First team are doing the business. That brings me to my thoughts for the new season. The players have worked their socks off since reporting back for training on the 30th June and are in great condition. Everyone got a fright last season and the players and management cannot wait to get the season started to prove that last season was a one off. We have a very difficult start to the season but we have no fears about playing any team in the Premier League. Please continue your valued support because the team needs it and got it last year when perhaps we did’nt deserve it.

Finally can I personally congratulate NIT on it’s 10th birthday and I hope that come NIT’s 20th Birthday I will still be contributing a page in it because that will mean that Hearts will have been successful and I will still be in a job. Well Done to all at NIT.

Cheers Houstie

"Some have Greatness Thrust upon them...But"

In 1988 Brian Scott published a book called "Hearts Greats".Apart from an obvious bias to more modern times and even then a number of glaring omissions it included among the exalted,perhaps to the surprise of some,one Gary Mackay.A great and loyal servant,yes,but to be amongst"The Greats",when considering the absentees,well no. Brian Scott thrust greatness upon him. Could he live up to the honour? Well no again.

In April this year,after the game at Motherwell, Dumfries Hearts Supporters Club,80 plus idolaters,were having their end of season bash. Usual sort of format.Drink,bit of dancing,drink,presentation of awards,more drink,buffet,dancing,drink,singing,still more drink and so on.Predictable and,yes,not great unless you were willing to get in the trenches.It had been decreed by the great and good by some mysterious process that Stephane Adam was to receive the player of the year award and G. Mackay a special award for his services to Hearts.

Both parties were invited. Stephane Adam politely declined to attend, Gary Mackay accepted.He did not turn up and has not been heard from since.The speech in his honour was made anyway and a very good acceptance speech in the circumstances made on his behalf by one of the current players who,well eh, not only played with him but appears to count him amongst his friends. Fall from grace,not so great it seems. Kick in the pus are the words that come to mind.

Being now into the pre season collective optimism and delusion thoughts are turning to next season's hoolie.It seems that it is very difficult to arrange,or perhaps beg is the more accurate verb,any player to turn up at a supporters club event unless there is some personal contact, particularly outside Edinburgh where it is said even there they only put in a more or less token appearance.It is alleged that Hearts discourage such appearances.

What exactly is the official position on such matters?Why cannot an official supporters club just contact Hearts and seek help from them to make the evening for so many of their loyal paying customers?

Is it drink?Is it possible women trouble?Or what?

40 odd years ago Hearts would come to Dumfries to play Queen of The South and stay overnight.I know a lady in her 60's who says that the Hearts team would go to the dancing that night and were perfect gentlemen.She says Willie Bauld was a wonderful dancer and such a charming man that although she does not follow football she still looks for the Hearts result yet.How else will such a well of goodwill be built without personal contact?

LM

RESPONSE TO "We Cannae Sell All Our Tickets"

According to the author of the “We Cannae Sell All Our Tickets” article in the last issue of NIT I’m a two faced hypocrite for not being at the Celtic game at Parkhead on the 6th of February. And apparently because I was a twelve/thirteen year old laddie who played football on a Saturday morning, Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning; whose Dad was a Hun, whose Brother was a Hun and who had no possible means of getting to Hearts against Queens Park, East Stirling and Alloa in the First Division in the early eighties, I’m classed as a “new” fan who doesn’t deserve a ticket for any Cup Final Hearts will be involved in over the coming seasons.

My first memory of the Jam Tarts (a team I’ve supported since I was old enough to know better) is of Robbo scoring the winner from a free-kick against Celtic in nineteen eighty something; me going absolutely mental and ending up lying in a puddle of water (or was it pish, if that’s what it was that was running down the stairs) at the School End after getting a bit over excited and falling over in the crowd. (And almost dropping the 7” singles my mates had nicked from some record shop in Dalry Road that I was hiding up my jumper). Just because my first memory wasn’t from some first division game that you were at in nineteen canteen doesn’t make me a glory hunter.

I’ve bought my season ticket every season and contributed in a small way to the Gorgie Stand with my £500 to the new 500 Club. I stay to the bitter end of every game no matter what the score. I’ve seen us getting humped 5-1 by Rangers in a Cup Final (and still sung my heart out at the end); losing 5-2 to Partick Fucking Thistle, 6-0 to Falkirk and God knows how many inadequate displays against others. And yes, I had the best day of my life at Parkhead on 16th May 1998.

I didn’t buy my first season ticket until about three or four years ago when my mate (the ones who went in the eighties don’t go any more) and his brother were allowed out of the house on a Saturday without a chaperone. We’ve since seen us go bottom of the league after a defeat against Falkirk, seen us playing so shite (under McLean and the rest) that we didn’t know if we’re getting relegated or not, while letting my glory-hunting mates rub my nose in it (and thinking I was fucking certifiable for following Hearts), watching Rangers win Championship after Championship.

I’ll never know what it was like to go to Boghead, Cappielow, Palmerston and every other shitehole in the First Division in the early eighties, because I wasn’t allowed to go outside my own back garden on my own as a boy never mind travel half way across the fucking country. I know guys who were at Dens in 1986 who cried their eyes out, but they don’t think any less of me cos I wasn’t there.

I’ve never been lifted at a Hearts game and never fought with an opposing fan. (But that’s because I’m a shitebag who’d run a mile from a fight, not because I don’t love my team). I’ve been through the same despair as every Jambo this season as we’ve slid towards oblivion, but I still go week in week out. I may not be as much of a diehard as some, but thirty odd games a season isn’t bad going.

So I do take exception to being classed as a “new” fan who only goes to football cos it’s “trendy”. I have nothing but respect for those fans that’ve been following the Jam Tarts for donkey’s years, but don’t think I love my team any less than you do.

And as for those who did only buy a season ticket after the Cup win; think how much more financial shite we’d have been in if they hadn’t shelled out three hundred odd quid each this year.

We’re all Jambos, mate, no matter how long we’ve been going to games. You’re entitled to make your point, but don’t tar everyone with the same brush.

DougieL

TAM COWAN Caption

During the close season we did a wee caption competition on the internet (the photo is on the back page along with the winning entry which gets a fiver if he sends us his address). We got 21 entries - here's a few of the best.

Second prize : I think Stuart Cosgroves words of wisdom are ....
"Smell your maw!!" Andrew Harwood Heriot-Watt University

Third : "Hey Tam, ma left hand's on a right tit and ma right hand's pointin' at wan". Dougie Grant

Fourth : John Robert Mitchell
TAMSPOTTING Choose Tam Cowan, Choose Motherwell, Choose knuckle-dragging, Choose bigotry, Choose arse-licking the Weegie-media, Choose to pretend to be a popular comedian loved by all football fans, Choose to slag-off a player constantly and then watch as he lifts the European Cup with Borussia Dortmund, Choose to be ugly, Choose to look like Daphne Broon, Choose to be fat, Choose to be very fat, Choose to buy a lingerie-wearing, alcoholic sex-pest keeper known for his sectarian links and then claim that he's only having a laugh, Choose to walk down the middle of the road and not on the pavement, Choose not to be liked by anyone and then pretend not to care, Choose John Spencer, Choose Fir Park, Choose to have some of the worst fans in the country, who leave with nearly forty minutes still to be played (0-4!), Choose to give the best part of your ground to away fans, Choose self-deception and delusions of self-importance, Choose to co-host a radio show with a sheep-shagger from Perth, Choose to insult and denigrate your listeners and then accuse them of paranoia, Choose to accuse the media of an Old Firm bias and then arse-lick them in return, Choose to write a (shite) column for the Daily Ranger, Choose to believe your Club's PR stunts then pretend they never happen, Choose to lose your best striker due to sectarian disharmony and then claim that it doesn't exist, Choose Billy Davies' post-match comments, Choose top European players like Don Goodman and Rob Matthieu, Choose to think that your team can become the third biggest in the country, Choose complete and utter embarrassment, Choose pies, Choose some more pies, Choose to have lots more pies, Choose whale blubber, Choose heart disease, Choose Tam Cowan.

I chose not to choose Tam Cowan. I chose a life.

Fifth : THIS IS THE PERFECT FACE FOR RADIO - Mick Coyle

Sixth : Cosgrove- (in his best Michael Cain voice) "This man is an arsehole, not a lot of people know that"
Cowan- "Everybody knows that"

Seventh : "Lot 1 - What am I bid for this fine example of Motherwell physique, dressed in fine Lanarkshire tweeds? This is the talking version and comes complete with random ignorant babbling and a limited vocabulary." Tim

The Gorgie Boys are in Town

We've been asked to print a chapter from this (soon to be published) book. Again, the subject matter is controversial at times but as their letter to us refers (printed elsewhere in this issue) we represents the views of ALL types of fans

CHAPTER 15

The 1985/86 season...the season that would promise so much and eventually break our hearts, and unfortunately a season that would see the bandwagon jumpers turn up at Tynecastle and start their process of diluting and eventually almost killing off the atmosphere at Tynecastle.

Hearts spent their pre-season in Germany, playing against some low scale opposition from the German Oberligas/Regionaligas, and then it was back to Scotland for the Premier league opener against Celtic at Tynecastle. The numbers of Casuals that Hearts had for this garne was quite impressive. The firm was now around 150 strong as many new faces turned out, learning the lesson the previous season that the Casual look was the way forward. Celtic arrived at Haymarket around 2.15, about 250 of them, but the police had also learnt a few lessons from the previous season, and there was no chance of getting anywhere near them at Haymarket, the police nicking anyone that hung around. The Celtic mob were taken along Dalry Road and Gorgie Road with a huge escort with the Hearts mob walkhg on the other side of the road and trying to cross over to mingle without much success. However our patience eventually paid off. As the Celtic mob stood in the queues to get into the Gorgie Road End terracing, we managed to get through the police to have a pop at them. It probably lasted all of a minute, if that, but it was enough to get the adrenalin pumping for the game. Just under 22,000 were in Tynecastle to watch a cracking match, where Hearts 1-0 up from a John Colquhoun goal, scoring against his old club, let in a last gasp equaliser for Celtic. Little did we realise the significance that goal would have come the end of the season.

Outside the ground after the match, It is always easier to get away with having a row as the policing at Tynecastle has never tried to keep the fans segregated and instead just lets everyone mingle on Gorgie Road. The Celtic mob, who had got a bit of abuse in their own end from their own fans during this match, again had a large pollee escort, although this was probably as much to stop tom fighting their own fans as it was to keep us apart. There were a few scuffles in Dalry Road, but they amounted to little more than fronting each other up, with a few punches thrown. There were too many police around to get away with anything else.

After Celttc were put on their train we had a few drinks and got it sorted for the following weeks match at St Mtrren, arranging a train and leaving time. After a few drinks, the lads all went of on their own, staying in a mob for the whole Saturday evening hadn't started yet.

The following week at work dragged as I was constantly looking forward to mobbing up the next weekend. The excitement had come back into football, and we were starting to get a good little firm together...it was the excitement of being into something at the start. This season would be the height of the Casual movement in Scotland, and I was exactly the right age to got into it properly. Although I was a Mod in 1979 at the height of the revival, I was still quite young and as such wasn't able to participate fully. This time I was the right age to get into it property.

At last Saturday arrived, and it was good to see about 70 of us were making the trip through to Love Street. When we arrived in Queen Street Station Glasgow, there was a welcoming committee waiting for us. Celtic had around 100 lads in and around the station, and it was all off straight away after getting off the train. As usual the police were quick to arrive on the scene, but this brief scuffle, gave us a taster of what it would be like from now on in Glasgow. Irrespective of whether we were playing one of the Glasgow sides or merely passing through, whoever was at home in Glasgow would try and pick you off. This was bad news when you were going to somewhere like Clydebank and we didn't have many there, as the Glaswegians were always in numbers, and more than often were tooled up as well. Anyway, the police cleared the station of Celtic, and we went back for a look at some of the Glasgow shops. While we were walking around the city centre the Celtic Mob had another pop at us which resulted in a leading Hearts boys getting a bottle across the head and he was rushed to hospital. Whilst he was waiting for treatment, 2 Celtic Boys arrived at casualty with stab wounds.

While our mate and a couple of his cbse friends went off to Hospital the rest of us made our way to Central Station for the train to Paisley. On arrival in Paisley it was far more on top than it had been a few months previously. Like ourselves the LSD has gained a lot of new recruits over the summer, and whenever we got off the train we could see their scouts, some younger kids, running out of the station to tip their main mob off that we were here. As we emerged from the station we could see St Mirren already teaming up and then we were charging at each other. They had the numbers on us but the vast majority of them didn't really want to know that day, and they started backing off. First blood to us, as the police arrived to give us an escort to the ground. The match itself was dreadful, as Hearts crashed 6-2. I didn't think that it could get any worse than the previous season, but you can always rely on Hearts to let you down a little bit more. As we left the ground after the match, their firm had come round to our end, and it went off almost straight away. This time the LSD were badly outnumbered as a lot of Hears scarfers got involved as well, and it was an eventful trip back to the station, with some dodgy mornents as the bottles started to fly around. When we got back to Central, we started to walk towards Trongate, to meet the oncoming Ceitic fans and there were a few more scuffles, before the police split it up and gave us an escort back to Queen Street.

When we got back to Edinburgh a few of us went up to the Southside Snooker Centre Bar where we met up with 2 or 3 Hibs lads who were mates who also drunk up there. Over the weeks this would be a meeting place on a Friday and Saturday night for an increasing amount off Hearts Boys, although it was never exclusively Hearts, as there were always a few Hibs around. It was more a group of mates having a dnnk rather than a football mob. Unfortunately the word got aroundd that it was a Hears meeting place and as a result it was visited by groups of Hibs lads from time to time, and although serious trouble never really broke out.(due to the fact there were always Hibs lads with us) it came close a few times. We would continue going to the Srooker Centre into the spring of the following year, but then we started to drift away to another local pub, as a change of scenery was required.

At that match I bought an item that was to be another quick Casual fad that would last about a couple of months then fade away. A half and half Ski hat.. Souvenir sellers had recently started taking the bobbles off the traditional football bobble hat and converting them into ski hats. Most of the plain Hearts ones were worn by your everyday fan, but the ones that the Casuals wore were split half and half with an English team. I got a Hearts/Chelsea Ski Hat, which I think I only wore on about one occasion. .it was more a thing to have, than to wear.

On the following Tuesday we had a League Cup match up at Links Park Montrose. We knew that Montrose had a little mob, calling themselves the Montrose Soccer Uni at that time..(now Portland Bills Seaside Squad). There were also a few Aberdeen lads from the Montrose area, so we knew that it would be worth travelling to. However Montrose is a hard place to get to on a service train in midweek, so a few of the boys went up on a football specials that BR were running, and the rest of us went up on a supporters bus. Before the game we never saw any of their boys, but once inside the ground they had a little mob, about 30 40 strong up at the segregation fence. Hearts had around 15-20 tops including a leading Hibs lad who had come up with a Hearts mate. This grabbed the attention of the Aberdeen lads in the Montrose end who wasted no time in letting everyone know that they knew he was a Hibs Boy. Nothing really happened inside the ground except a little bit of pushing and shoving at the segregation which ended up with a stand off with the police. There weren't many Hearts fans there and the game itself was pretty predictable with hearts running out 3-1 winners. After the match it went off straight outside the ground. The MSU had come round to our end and scuffles broke out straight away. The police pushed them down the road and we tried to have a go back as a few bodies came over at us. We got back to our buses but I believe that the mob who went on the train were escorted back to the station whilst Montrose tried to have another go.

While we were at the match that night I think every Casual there would nave had their videos set to record a documentary on Thames TV called Hooligan. The documentary which looked at the activities of the Inter City Firm who followed West Ham United would become legendary in Casual circles. It would become as important to the Casual movement as Quadrophenia was to the Mods. The programme showed West Ham having a go at Spurs at Upton Park and away at Sheffleld Wednesday. It also showed rather embarrassingly them getting turned over at home by Cheisea and slapped up at Man United but the best footage was the Millwall lads at the Battle of Kenilworth Road.

The following Saturday we were away at Ibrox where we went down 3-1 in front of 35,500. Hearts had around 3000 there with about 100 of us making the joumey. There wasn't a reception for us at Queen Street but when we came out at Ibrox Tube Statlon they were there in numbers. Hearts done okay in the ensuing battle but in reality came off second best however it was a different story after the match.

We all left a few minutes before the final whistle and made our way round the back of the main stand. The Rangers mob who had been in the enclosure came out early as well and we charged into them. They backed off and when we charged again they ran up towards the Copeland Road End. By this time a lot of Rangers fans were leaving the ground as there was only about a minute left and a few of them go involved as well. We were outnumbered but stood our ground and eventually the police steamed in and took us around to the Underground and onto a train. It was well dodgy for us at Ibrox that day but we got away with it being about honours even however the next trip to Ibrox would be a terrifying experience.

Stuart Dougal

THE EUROPEAN SONG

(sung to the Frank Sinatra tune "my way")

It may seem like overkill to print the words to this song yet again, but we make no apologies, this is THE anthem of the moment, and EVERYONE needs to know the words. It was first heard during our 1985/86 league campaign (first place I heard it was in Worthies). For ten years individual supporters clubs have sung it, and you heard it in pubs and occasional away games, but for whatever reason it has taken over ten years for the Hearts support to sing it with gusto at home games. We take great pride at Linlithgow Hearts for keeping the song alive until the mainsteam Hearts support adopted it. Give it your best shot (and remember the arm actions!)

And Now, The end is near
We've followed Hearts from Perth to Paisley
We've travailed far, by bus and car
And other times we've went by railway.
We've been to Aberdeen
We hate the Hibs, they make us spew up.
So make a noise you Gorgie boys
We're going to Europe.
To See H-M-F-C
We'll even dig the channel tunnel
When we're afloat on some big boat
We'll tie our scarves around the funnel.
We have no cares, for other players
like Rossi Boniec, or Tardelli
When we're overseas, the hibs will be in Portobelly.

1998 VERSION (still valid if Hibs are near the bottom of the league)

We all, can laugh at Hibs, When we play Chelsea, Metz or Inter
They'll travel far, to see Stranraer, and visit Airdrie in the winter.
While Hearts, go marching on, and show the Hibs the way to do it,
they lost at Ayr, and we don't care, we're going to Europe.
The days, not far away, when we will reach the heights of glory.
We'll follow Hearts through foreign parts
and Gorgie boys will tell the story.
How we scored three, at Napoli, took care of Bierhoff and Vierri
when we're overseas, the Hibs will watch us on the telly.

Great Expectations

As another season approaches ( my 25th in a row), I'm a little confused as to what my expectations are. As someone who has watched Hearts perform like pussies (76/77, 78/79, 80/81, 81/82, 98/99), with mediocrity (84/85, 88/89, 90/91, 92/93, 93/94, 94/95,) , with optimism (75/76, 77/78, 79/80, 82/83, 83/84, 86/87 , 89/90, 95/96, 96/97 ), and with style ( 85/86, 87/88, 91/92, 97/98), I am faced with the question "What level of perfomance am I prepared to accept this season?"

I'll start by saying straight away that I am a realist. This means that for some years now, I have come to accept (relutcantly) that we cannot always compete with Celtic and Rangers as far as the league is concerned. We missed the boat in 86 and had a wee chance in the late 80's but we blew it and there's not much point in dwelling on the subject. We had a chance in 97/98 but at the time when we needed investment, the board was found wanting. Rangers and Celtic have too many resources, and it is fair to say that in the current climate, if you are honest with yourself, we can only get results against the old firm if they play below par (or miss two penalties in one match!).

I realise that this statement will not please everyone, because Hearts are well capable of beating the "best" on their day, but all too often, Hearts "day" does not coincide with the chance meeting with either Celtic or Rangers (or course, now I've written this article and you're reading this on August 7th after the game when we beat Rangers 3-1 I'm looking like a right twat). Obviously if you play each team 4 times, there's 24 points to play for and we are going to get some of those points with a couple of draws and the odd victory, but for us to win the league we will have to get 16 or more points out of the 24 available. After the money Celtic and Rangers have just spent in the close season, that is just not going to happen.

So what should we be prepared to call "success"? Third in the league? It may not even get you into Europe, you must have won a lot of games, thus giving the fans entertainment, but what's the point in coming third if you get knocked out of both cups in the early rounds?

Don't get me wrong, I'd be over the moon if we won the league, and they'd probably have to take me to St John's in an ambulance to get my stomach pumped. I expect Hearts to do well every season in the league, and if we get off to a good start a la 97/98, or a bad start followed by an unbeaten run a la 85/86 I'll be delighted to change my point of view and roar the Jambos on to a famous league championship, but as I said I'm a realist. These things happen once in a blue moon with Hearts, and as a realist I know we cannot compete with Rangers and Celtic so I look for areas where I can find realistic happiness.

Question : If Hearts achieved third place in the league but lost out in both cup competitions before the semi final stage would that be success? Question : If Hearts achieved a mediocre league position but claimed one of the cup competitions would that be success? I'd take the second option anyday.

We have all learned a harsh lesson in the last 12 months (and I include the manager and Chief Executive when I say that). A winning team with much potential was blown asunder mainly by factors outwith Hearts control, (although there were major contributory factors which could be attributed to JJ and CR) We all have come to the abrupt realisation that a team like Hearts can never realise it's potential because eventually, all good players will leave a successful Hearts as well as an unsuccessful Hearts. There are added factors which usually mean that we get shafted over whatever deal goes down (McCann, Weir, Johnston, Ritchie?).

So let's work this realisation in our favour so we can get a maximum return on the season. Work on the assumption that our league campaign will take care of itself and the JT's can concentrate on the two cup competitions. There's a good chance Celtic and Rangers will not consider the League Cup as one of their top priorities this season. Thas doesn't mean they will field a weakened side, it just means that on the Wednesday, their players will have one eye on their important league match on Saturday. If this is the case, let's get stuck right into them , and to hell with the consequenses of our league game the following Saturday. Beat Celtic midweek in the cup or lose away to St Johnstone on Saturday. No contest in my book. Our main priority must be to progress to a major cup final.

The Scottish Cup is a little different - every team is up for it, but we have a really good pedigree in the competition. Last season was a one-off (it has to be), and Motherwell showed the kind of commitment I would expect of a Hearts team. Forget league matches, go for the cup wins. Last season our league form was really pish and we still came 6th, so we can afford to not care about an injury for a league match if it means we progress in cup competitions. For a Hearts team that has little chance of winning the league not to compete in a cup tie ('Well and Saintees last season) is criminal.

That brings me to the fourth priority, which is the games against hibs. We've a great recent record against them, and I know that there are Jambos whose season lives and dies by the number of points we get from them. It could even be said that some Jambos judge the season only on the performances against them. I have mixed feelings about it. If we won the Scottish Cup again, but didn't beat hibs all season, how much of a disaster would that be? Painfull at the time, but in the bigger picture, who would really give a shit? What songs could they sing at us "Four in a row, four in a row, Hello".

If you live and work in Edinburgh then I can understand the need to go into work on Monday and get it right up the hibbees, and I can also understand the feelings when you go into work after a defeat and have to take it from the green scum. However, if we are progesssing in all cup competitions, then what greater way to rub it into them to have them believe that we don't care about the points we get off them each season. Tell them we treat their match just as any other league match, and how Hearts priorities are trophies now, and league points against hibs are nothing special.

Craig Young

He came, He saw, He was pish

by Gary Lough (Wheatfield Stand, Section C, Row 7, Seat 12)

When Hearts signed "French staff' Vincent Guerin, I remember wondering just what was happening to the club. There we were, in a time when building for the future was of paramount importance and so what did we do? - we signed some old bloke! !

Yeah, I know, Guerin was a former French internationalist. So what'? I mean, did you actually watch his performances at Euro96??! ! - they were nothing outstanding, barely even reaching mediocre. He was hardly the first target on everyone's shopping list.

It would appear that Jim Jefferies took advantage of the drug reputation thing and so. of course that meant his price tag was hardly bank breaking However, what came alongside this 'cheap' price was an unearthly sum for a weekly wage. Did Jeff not stop to think the effect this would have on team morale? Here we are now, hopelessly resigned to the fact that we will lose Paul Ritchie in the imminent future and yet we were prepared to give an old has-been heaps of cash to sit on the bench for seven months. Quite what the younger players at the club (e.g. Ritchie) thought of this, I'd love to know.

It wasn't the last time Hearts put over-priced foreigners before young Scottish talent either. Stephane Adam took the huff, and went through the motions on the park, for months on end. Still, not to worry, here comes the nice man with all the travellers cheques in his back pocket - "there's a deal worth four times what you were earning before Mr Adam, don't go spending it all in one shop, will you?" Maybe this one wasn't quite so bad, seeing as Adam had actually played very well the previous season and had scored in the Cup Final win. Still, it sure goes to show where his commitment lay before the new contract was signed - like every other "talented" footballer - smack bang in the middle of his investment portfolio.

I apologise for straying slightly - this article is about the naffest of our froggie-friends, Vinnie-moneybags. Even after signing him, even after hearing the news of his salary-heights, even after already knowing he was a player who would do nothing for the club, I may have found some room in my heart (however small some of you may think it is) to forget all this, if only he had turned in a couple of decent performances for the side during his temporary stay. Now, surely that's not too much to ask, I mean, on his money, surely he could score from the halfway line, or direct from a corner Surely?? Em, maybe not! ! The sad truth about Guerin is that he was too old, too slow, and, sadly, a waste of space. He came over to Edinburgh to see his two pals, stroll around the pitch a few times (earning rave reviews from Archie McPherson of all people - kinda says it all really! !), and pick up the pensioners bus pass at the end of it

Maybe he was signed in order to try and make the number 39 squad number fashionable. Mind you, fashion accessories usually have to appear in the public eye regularly - Vinnie? - you've gotta be joking - did you ever see him play two games in a row? - come on, think about it! ! - surely he must've - just once?? No?? - The Guerin appearance record resembled something like: play one, miss one ('flu??), play one, sub for one, miss next one ('flu again??), play one, miss next one (back home for a holiday??), sub for two, miss next three (groin strain??! !), sub for one, play one, miss next one. . . you know what I mean.

Maybe I'm just too much of a cynic, maybe I've been watching football for too long, maybe I should just sit back and shut up, after all, our manager knows best, doesn't he?! ! (bollocks! !)

I really do dread the next foreign import to (dis)grace our hallowed turf. You can just see the newspaper quote - "Oh, I love Edinburgh, it's such a wonderful city. The people are just so friendly, they make you feel really welcome. Now, how much am I getting per week?".. .

1998/1999 Poll Results







So what does the match day announcer actually do???

Mark McKenzie is the “Voice of Hearts” on match days and has been so for the last 10 years. His full time job is “Head of Production” at Scot FM where he also presents two shows a day.

So what does the Match Day Announcer do...well he makes the announcements on matchdays of course! Sounds easy and I suppose to a certain extent it is but there are a host potential problems.

My typical matchday Saturday starts in the morning when I check the E-mail requests, edit and script them. I normally take sometime to research the days teams (that’s right I read the papers!) praying that if we have signed any foreigners over night then it’s an easy to pronounce a name like Ronaldo.

I like to be at Tynecastle by 1:30, there’s a great buzz, a buzz you never get used to. I’ve been a fan for as much of the last 30 years as I can remember, so the job is extra special to me...and twice as tough if we lose. There’s a great atmosphere behind the scenes at Tynecastle and everyone takes time to speak to you, even if it is just “get out the way”.

The gates normally open at 2pm, by which time I’ll have checked the radio mic, CD players, tape deck and speakers are working, then it’s on with the music.

I have a couple of helpers without who the job would be impossible. James has been with me for almost all my 10 years in the job, while Dennis came on board a couple of seasons ago when we moved the box from above the tunnell to it’s present position. James is my “spotter”, my linesman if you like. I can’t see everything that goes on and it’s great to have an extra pair of eyes for spotting who got the final touch in a goalmouth scramble. James is a staunch Jambo with great knowledge of the club and it’s former players, he’s even old enough to have seen Hearts lift 2 cups...and I don’t mean the Tennents sixes!

Dennis is the button pusher...because of the design of the old stand there is nowhere suitable for a PA box with a clear view of the pitch and rapid access to the pitch for the half time draw. Remember that I must be able to see both sets of goals and both benches. The current box is to the left of the old stand at the back of the lower enclosure...yup the old pie stand!

So Dennis sits in there with his CDs and tapes and a walkie talkie wile James and I sit in the seats reserved for the Willie Bauld Restaurant. Great view and quick access to the pitch.

Around 2:30 the team line come out from the office and between the three of us we try to remember the oppositions first names and I practice any “daft” names. Then it’s a huge countdown...all things lead to 3pm. At 2pm the stadium is empty, 2:30 quarter full, 2:45 half full and 3pm bursting at the seams. Of course come kick off time, Hector Nichol fades into the distance, it’s a quick mention for Strongbow and a rallying call to the troupes to “Get right behind the team!”

The first half always tends to be a bit quiet, with hopefully a few goals for Hearts, (cue Lulu and an edited version of “Shout”), but barring injury no subs.

On the stroke of half-time it’s another mention for Strongbow and while Dennis plays the music it’s a mad dash for me from the stand onto the pitch for the Jambo Jackpot draw followed by the dedications.

We always try to keep the music upbeat and friendly, nothing too dancey or offensive. Ideally songs everyone will know.

The second half is generally busier with more subs and with any luck the 4th official turns the board far enough round to let me see the numbers....and that’s it! See told you it was easy! The Potential problems?...I’ll save them for another day.

Congratulations to No Idle Talk on 10 years and I just hope everyone involved with it and the readers enjoy it as much as I have enjoyed reading the teams out at Tynecastle for the last 10 years...time flies huh?

Bring on the Hibees!!

Mark McKenzie

The Anniversary Break-In

Featuring Fox Mulder, Robin Hood, Dolly Parton, Ruth Rendall and Sleepy. Names have been changed to protect the Guilty…obviously!


The one year anniversary of our now legendary Scottish Cup win over the Huns was a special occasion for many Jambo's. Stories of parties were common place with one particular crowd of obsessed fanatics playing the match on video at exactly 3pm…you know who you are!

I had been out celebrating the win on Saturday May 15th 1999...in Gorgie of course. After visiting several of Gorgie's "finest" pubs we ended up in Robbo's Bar. Seriously pissed by this stage someone suggested breaking into Tynecastle Park and running across the pitch naked (semi-naked for the wimmin'). Now, while I appreciate in the light of day this seems like madness it's easy to justify when you'd been drinking since around 6pm. In fact it was very easy to justify. You see, as a shareholder you kinda already own the club and anyway you're not so much breaking in, more paying a late visit to the office!

By half past ten we were formulating a fool-proof plan of attack. Since Fox Mulder had already done the act and knew the easiest point of entry (steady tiger) we asked him to show us the way, so to speak. Unfortunately he was going to a UFO conference or something the following day and had to head off to get the train home. As a result, Robin Hood walked the short distance to Tynecastle Park to find the easiest access point. Hearts obviously do not pay their security manager, if they have one, very much money as it’s easier getting into Tynecastle these days than a young woman from Easter Road…then again, you don’t get a dose of the clap after leaving Tynecastle Park but that’s another story! Yes, I was standing at the corner flag within 3 minutes flat.

Back at Crime HQ (Robbo’s Bar) we decided to have a few more drinks (as if we needed them), and head down the road about 11.45pm. At this point, someone suggested taking photo’s once inside. After all, there’s no point committing the act unless you actually had proof you did it? We decided to send Sleepy to get a camera since he lived nearby. After about 45 minutes we worked out that since he only lived five minutes away on foot, something must have happened. Ruth Rendall was sent to investigate. 20 minutes later he appeared. Apparently Sleepy had passed out on his bed. Thankfully he managed to raise an arm and point to where the camera was!

Eventually Ruth returned with the camera. Each of us had a good look at the camera trying to suss out exactly how it worked. I failed completely but put it down to the drink and the fact the camera was “cheap Korean crap”. Apologies to any Korean Jambo’s out there but they just don’t make camera’s like they used to. They all claim to be fool-proof but when did they stop making them “drunk-proof”. I remember when camera’s had just one button and you could take a photie and hold your pint at the same time. Nowadays you get panoramic photies, standard photies, zoom lenses, night shots, the lot…like “red-eye reduction” was going to work on us lot after spending 6 hours in the pub! After arriving at Tynecastle the first thing I heard was Dolly. “I’ll never get over that spiked fence!” I said “Of course you will, I managed nae problem.” “But you’re not wearing high heels and a long Skirt!!!” Like us boys have never had women’s clothes on before, eh ??? Dolly isn’t called Dolly because she does a great “9 to 5” on the Karaoke, so I was quite impressed how she managed to avoid impaling herself on the spikes on the way over…the things you do when you’re pissed!

Once we were in and heading towards the pitch - PROBLEM - a wee security guard sits in the Police box at the far end! Right there are then the naked thing went out the window and anyway, we were sobering up quickly by this stage and it didn’t seem like such a good idea anymore. Okay, he wasn’t exactly going to catch us as he looked about 95yrs old but his eyesight might have been alright!

So, remembering my days in ‘Nam trudging through the jungle we covertly made our way on our tip-toes across the pitch. Now you’d expect it to be blacker than the ace of spades but they have these wee security lights at the stand entrances and at night they shine on the pitch. As a result, there we were darting around the wee light patches heading towards the Wheatfield stand. Sitting on the grass looking up at the stand and the way it overhangs the pitch gives you a very rough idea of the atmosphere that must face opposition players….we really must MAKE MORE NOISE to intimidate them!

Ruth Rendall and I decided it would be a great idea to sit in our seats…remember, we HAD been drinking for about 6 hours! The last thing on our minds were CCTV camera’s since up until this point we were textbook citizens…more or less. Okay, I had been in Torphicen Street cells before but that was Hearts related too. Well, Hearts vs Hibs related !

Dolly Parton was getting concerned about the amount of time we’d spent aimlessly walking around the pitch and wanted to go so we walked back to the “entrance” with her. This was the focal point of the night and why it will remain in our memories forever. Despite Dolly’s nimble jump over the spiked fence half an hour earlier it proved much more difficult to get out. Once she was standing between the spikes ready to jump down, Dolly for some reason decided to sit down!!! It wouldn’t have been so bad but instinctively or not, the spikes had positioned themselves in a very precarious position about to take on an all new purpose in life suited to their general appearance, width etc. If you catch the drift! After a great deal of work using my back and Ruth’s pulling power Dolly was freed. Unaware of the puncture wounds in her leg and the fact she had hedge branches sticking out of her ass all she could say was, “I’ve ripped my tights”. That’s wimmin’ for you!

Ruth Rendall and I then headed back to the pitch to take the photo’s you can see next to this article. The security guard (remember him) must have been blind as we took around 4 photies and each time the flash lit the Roseburn Stand like a lightning bolt hitting the floodlights. Flashback’s of being chased by VC through the jungles of Vietnam came back as I bolted across the pitch and remembering Dolly’s close encounter, I took extra care going over the spiked fence as I had on the way in. The night ended with Ruth and I walking up McLeod Street laughing that we had pulled off the break-in and more importantly, had the photographs to show our wee Jambo grand-children in forty years or so!

The Anniversary Break-In 2

(From a girlies POINT and I mean POINT of view)


It is the eve of the first anniversary of Hearts' famous Scottish Cup win against Rangers. How do you celebrate the occasion (bearing in mind that it may be another 35 years until you see another great win) ???

Well - after a day filled with vodka (interrupted only by Hearts - Dundee United) a few of us decided that there was only one way to celebrate and that was to be on the hallowed turf itself at midnight.......

I think this kind of thing used to happen fairly regularly down at Tynecastle and Hearts have in fact increased their security in recent times - however we'd had enough beer and vodka to think we were invisible so off we went. We found a little place to get in that looked fairly easy (ha ha - we didn't take into account the drunkenness factor). I had a skirt and high heeled shoes on (no, I am not a cross dresser but in fact a female). I managed to get over a couple of fences with not too much trouble. Then we scurried onto to the famous pitch. I have been inside Tynecastle before on different occasions (legally though). So I wasn't as overawed as I might have been if it was the first time I had been in - however I was full of vodka so I was 'having an emotional moment' just at being in the place.

The other people I was with were lying on the pitch - then they went up to their seats but I am not THAT stupid - lets show the security guards where we sit so they can look up our names and ban us .... I sat on the pitch and basically just thought a bit about how I felt last year when they won the cup, how much I love Hearts Football club, what it must be like to play for the team and hear the crowd roar as you come out of the tunnel, what was that white stuff on my skirt - oh s**t - there was an under-14 cup final the next day, they must have repainted the lines.

Anyway, after a while (and no damage or vandalism whatsoever) I decided it was time to go so I walked around the edge of the pitch (as little damage to the pitch as possible) then the trouble started - I couldn't get out. I tried to climb the fence but for the life of me I couldn't get over it. I was making all sorts of excuses why I couldn't do it but basically I had had far too much to drink and my co-ordination wasn't up to much. The guys I was with tried to help me and then somehow I ended up sitting on the fence (a spiked fence !!!) - one millimetre in the wrong direction and well .... I'll leave your imagination to deal with that. We were there for a good twenty minutes trying to get me off the fence. One guy shoving my bum up and the other grabbing my arm trying to pull me up, what a bloody site it must have been, like something out of an episode of Frank Spencer.

If the CCTV footage ever got out .......

At one point I felt I was going to faint (I was too drunk at the time to detect that I had in fact been 'spiked' in my leg and right buttock). Also, my left leg was trapped in a hedge so that didn't help things. Eventually, somehow I managed to get down and then over another fence somewhere else. My first comment was that I had ripped my tights -under the circumstances I was very lucky not to have killed myself ! However, when I woke up the next morning I was completely covered in cuts and bruises and there were actually holes in my leg where the spikes had got me. My husband was pretty disgusted that I let myself get so cut and bruised but then again, how many other guys woke up that Sunday morning to find out that their wife had broken into a professional football ground the night before, he must have been a wee bit proud of me?

After I hobbled away to go home the guys went back in and took photos of each other standing in the goal mouths (how did the security not see us ??? Did they anticipate this would happen and decide only to take action if people were vandalising the place ??? Are they going to release a video at Christmas with me stuck on top of that fence ?). I was dreading the Edinburgh Evening News the Monday after, I had visions of the front page 'Do You Know This Woman' and a photo of me with spikes up my rear.

I have passed that spot since then and I can't work out how I managed to get in a sitting position on a spiked fence - but then as one of the guys there said we were so drunk that we would have struggled to get over a waist high picket fence that night. I think that will be my first and last midnight adventure into Tynecastle - I'll pay the £1.50 for the official tour next time I fancy seeing it !

Re the “Red Hand Gang” article in Issue 42.

First and foremost, Hearts are a Scottish club. They come from Edinburgh, the capital of Scotland, the vast majority of their supporters would consider themselves Scottish before British (myself included) and are the only team I know who have the Saltire as an integral part of their club crest. And I wouldn’t have Hearts display a Union flag at Tynie at the expense of the Saltire just to save a few flagpoles as mentioned in the aforementioned article.

However, if a Jambo wants to display a Saltire, a Union Flag, an Ulster flag, the Star of David or run across the pitch shouting “Fuck the Pope” at the top of his voice, as long as he’s supporting the Jam Tarts I couldn’t give a toss. If a Hearts fan wants to wind up few Tims at a Hearts v Celtic match by painting his hand red and waving it at the Tims, that’s his prerogative. When we’re singing “Hello Hello”, if you want to sing “Fenian Blood” or “Hibee Blood” that’s up to you. As long as you’re singing a song that would get most fans and players going, I don’t care. I just don’t want Hearts to get involved in the mindless bigotry that saw Hugh Dallas (admittedly not our most popular referee in recent years) getting four stitches in his head at the recent Celtic v Rangers game. I know that the sectarian shite is worse in the West of Scotland than the East, but we can’t let that poisonous crap infect our team and fans. Because no matter whether your views are “Brits Out of Ireland” or “If it wasn’t for us the Irish would still be digging tatties and carrying pigs about under their arms” it still didn’t make a difference to whether or not Hearts were going to get relegated.

And by the way, it’s “Saor Alba” not “Soar Alba”. “Saor” means free, from the Gaelic “Saoirse” (I think that’s the correct spelling) meaning “Freedom”. And Alba is Scotland. “Free Scotland”, or “Scotland Free”. Ah dinnae ken.

Smart Arse Dougie.

Hearts results match by match season 98/99







Ten uses for Leigh Jenkinson

As Leigh has had an inauspicious start to his Tynecastle career, and with the board always looking for ways to cut costs, here are some ways in which Leigh could earn his wages while waiting for the recall to the first team squad

1. PROGRAMME SELLER

Leigh could be sent out onto the mean streets of Gorgie to try so sell as many programmes (or are they "matchday magazines") as possible. This might be beyond him as we all know his distribution is poor.

2. CATERING ASSISTANT

He might be better suited to serving punters hot dogs, burgers, bovril and pies from the pie stalls. Let's face it, he is no stranger to mince.

3. BOOT BOY

Who says he isn't fit to lace Colin Cameron's boots? Not only can Leigh lace Colin's boots but he can also knock the mud off them and give them a polish at the same time.

4. GROUNDSMAN

Nobody could make a bigger mess of the pitch than last season's groundstaff.

5. BALLBOY

At last, a chance for Leigh to get involved in some big match action. He may even get the opportunity to pass the ball to one of his prospective team mates.

6. CLUB SHOP ASSISTANT

He seems pretty qualified in being able to "sell jerseys"

7. FLOODLIGHT OPERATOR

A chance for Leighs career to hit new heights as he replaces blown lightbulbs (or relights another candle) up Tynie's floodlit pylon. Chris Robinson could give him a hand, as he has his head in the clouds all the time.

8. GOALPOST

He doesn't seem to have any problems with being rooted to the spot.

9. TOILET CLEANER

He is a professional footballer so he should have Clown a few scrubbers in his time!

10. STEWARD

Another chance to savour the atmosphere from the stands, giving him a chance to tell the fans where to go (it's usually the other way round).

Al Hardie

(Ed - This article seems a little cruel so I have been given an assurance by Al that if Leigh Jenkinson makes ten full first team appearances this season, Al will publicly eat and swallow this page)

Cartoon



London Hearts



Hearts L!ve

Hello again and welcome to a new season and a new series of Hearts Live...before I go any further can I wish NO IDLE TALK avery Happy Tenth Anniversary from all at Hearts Live .Back to business now and Hearts Live is back from August 6th for the season. Unfortunately we'll only be on on Friday's this season and our general Sports show SPORTS LIVE will take over the Monday slot. The times of the shows have changed this season as well and they'll be going out at 8pm every Monday and Friday. Enough about the changes, we'll still be bringing you all the top pundits to discuss each weeks news and action from Tynecastle and all the usual features will still appear...Opposite View, Player Profiles and features from in and around the club. So don't forget to join Mandy from 6th August if you want to get to the Heart of Tynecastle. One wee favour...could you ask if any of your readers have any feature ideas and if so could you ask them to send them to you and then you can pass them on..

LISA

Great Away Ends of our Yesterdays





The DAZ Challenge

"Darren Jackson, you're such a fucking penis"
"Darren Jackson, you're a horses arse"

Oh how we used to enjoy singing that song on derby day as we humped the hibees yet again. let's face it, Darren jackson, also known as motormouth or wacko Jacko was the vermin player we all loved to hate. Jambos hate all hibs players but Darren was in an elite band including Mickey Weir, Bandy Jim leighton and Gareth "greenknees" Evans that turned normal placid mild mannered level headed, timid Jambos into raving lunatics, foaming at the mouth, giving their chosen target nothing but a 90 minute torrent of abuse (or was that just me?).

No, us Jambos used to hate Darren Jackson. So it came as a bit of a surprise to me to find out he'd signed for us. I know he was once a Hearts mascot but I'd never thought he'd sign for the Jambos. Although he was a hun as a kid, he comes from a Jambo supporting family and if he has half the success as another player who had a Jambo supporting dad did, then I'll be happy.

I refer to everybody's favourite short fat hibby - Robbo. Not that I'm saying Darren Jackson is the new Robbo - Robbo is a living legend, possibly the greatest Hearts player ever - but I hope that Darren Jackson can help Hearts once again become a force to be reckoned with. At 32, Darren is fast approaching the end of his career but let's hope he has a few good games left in him yet. Forget about his hibby past, he is a JAMBO now and as long as he gives 100% in every match he plays in I'll be happy. Slag him off when he is shite but praise him when he does well.

At the moment (written in May) the prospect of Darren Jackson in the team appears better than Fatboy Slim (Steve Fulton).

Let's hope he opens this season goal account at Easter Road, then the transformation will be complete.

Altogether now

"Who put the ball in the hibees net, Jacko, Jacko"

Al Hardie

What for the next 10 years

Congratulations to NIT on reaching its tenth birthday. It must be said that during that time it hasn’t struggled for topics of conversation with the last ten years including the abortive takeover of the vermin, a new board taking over, Tynie being rebuilt beyond all recognition, Robbo becoming Hearts leading goalscorer, Gary Mackay commandering the appearances record and, most importantly, the trophy duck being broken (although it was only twenty-six years when NIT first appeared !!).

So will there be as many talking points for NIT over the next ten years ? Well, I believe there will much more to discuss and mention, particularly in relation in how the game in Scotland and the whole of Europe is structured, and how this impinges on HMFC. Of particular interest is the driving force towards a European Super League (ESL). We already see that the Champions League is the greatest misnomer ever invented, with Man Utd being the first runners-up to win the “Champions” Cup. Now, there are four clubs from Germany, Spain and Italy, along with three from England, eligible to participate in this season’s competition. TV money is calling the tune more and more and it is inevitable that a Super League will follow sooner or later.

So what happens then ? In my opinion, it will depend on how the so-called ESL will be structured. If it is an exclusive competition, mainly by invite from the bigger nations, there will be challenges via the European Courts that the ESL is operating as a cartel. I personally believe that this will be a secondary issue to the TV rights as most games in this league will be pay-per-view and only the new breed fan will be able to afford to watch these games whilst Joe Public who has supported the club through thick and, more likely, thin is told to stay at home. In this scenario, I can see the goose laying the golden eggs being strangled and the roots of these big clubs withering and dying as the new breeds find something more fashionable because they will be bored of watching the same old matches. After all, Man Utd vs Barcelona is special because of its novelty value. If they are playing each other twice a season it loses this appeal. This would feed down the chain bringing less money into the game and eventually driving a lot of clubs to the wall.

As I feel football needs its big clubs as much as its medium and small ones, I believe the best way of countering this is to introduce a pyramid structure into European football, based on European leagues of, say, three or four divisions, regional leagues (with the British Isles, Scandanavia, Benelux etc.) and then national leagues underneath these. I feel that this would maintain the competition and meritocracy that football needs and it would really boost football in these islands, especially in the two Irelands and Wales where full-time football could become a real possibility. It could also lead to a scenario where Hearts could play the big-clubs eventually on level terms, depending of course on millions of pounds of player investment !

Initially, I see Hearts playing in a league with the lower half of the Premiership along with five other Scottish clubs (Aberdeen, Dundee Utd, Vermin, Killie and one of Motherwell or St Johnstone). Rangers and Celtic would be in Division 3/4 of the ESL. The TV money that would come into the game would be a lot more than the current Sky deal and hence would allow these Scottish clubs to invest more in players and facilities. I also believe it would increase gates in Scotland, especially for HMFC, as I know more than a few fans who turn up for big games but can’t be bothered when they look on a Saturday and see Dundee (h) on the fixture list.

The benefits of all this to HMFC: More TV money leading to a new main stand and a better standard of player (or holding onto existing players for that matter !), a bigger fan base, an improvement in football standards and, on a note of Schadenfreunde, watching the Huns and Tims being relegated and shedding half their support as they aren’t winning things and watching the vermin being relegated back to the Scottish National League, to play Stranraer four times again !!

God knows if any of this will ever come to fruition but after the last ten years, nothing would surprise me now !!

Geoff.

Dear NIT

Congratulations on 10 years! Great stuff !

I used to send a few letters a long while back but lost the touch. However now that I am on the web it will be much easier to rattle stuff down and fire it straight off either at home or when I'm bored out my skull at work. Used to like "They slavered some pish " articles and ANYTHING that is anti-vermin. I really detest the bastards. So much so I won't go back to Fester Road. Left on a high note when we thumped them 4-0 a few new years back. May as well leave the shithole on a high note !

Anyway keep up the good work !

Cheers for now.

Steven Cook, Dalgety Bay,Fife

Big Al





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NEXT ISSUE ? END OF OCTOBER/START OF NOVEMBER

4 beers and a menu please

It was a truly unforgettable experience, you'd say, except that half of the time there the four London representatives of your august organisation couldn't remember a thing. The other 50% we'd like to forget, but there is such a thing as collective consciousness - but collective unconsciousness? We've been back a week and I'm still blathering….

The two-and-a-half hour flight was punctuated by various offerings from the drinks trolley, an eclectic meal of pasta, curry and carrots, topped off with a compulsory cognac, all of which was served by an enthusiastic old girl called Kaya Toots. Oh, and for pudding? A large Jam Tart.

Our first morning's bus ride into town was, shall we say, a scenic tour. We hadn't been warned that the women would be so beautiful - and so young. Beautiful was bad enough, but our combined average age made us older than Gary Mackay so we knew it was going to be tough going. "I think I'm going to die," said Scott. I doubt we'd've got the coffin lid shut. In The Bar With A Name (that's how it translates) it got worse. Wall-to-wall, they were. Sigh. After a nice meal and a kilo of Stella Artois, we were looking at the sign for the toilets. "So if the M means Men," I asked, "What does the N stand for?" Brian looked up. "Nae chance," he said, and he looked down again.

What, the fitba'? Oh, that. It was rubbish. You'd hope Hearts could have blown Lantana away but some hesitancy and some poor finishing meant the PieMaster didn't have to drop the second leg prices to a quid for adults and 50p for concessions. Played in a public park that made Scotstoun look classy, Hearts fans were magnificent, even coaxing a song from the Lantanians (which is a Russian team in Estonia and so not locally popular) and then singing it louder and longer. I doubt whether the foreigners joined in with "Ro-bin- son, wank wank wank!" or "See you in court, Fat Boy!" but it got a bit much when the thirty aggrieved Hearts fans started up with "There's Only One Wallace Mercer".

Desperate to escape the crowd after the game, the four of us dived into a below level bar whose window display included a rattlesnake, a cactus and a skeleton in a cowboy outfit. Inside was just as outlandish, ol' staging-post decor and an owner who wanted to play 'slaps' with anyone and everyone. Afraid it would graduate into a game of 'knuckles' we retreated to a far corner where the kilts of Davy and Scott were attracting the worst kind of attention - The Older Woman. One complete madwoman wanted to spirit Davy away to her art gallery, no doubt to exhibit him. "You Are So Be-eeeg!" she kept repeating to him. "Ah, yes, maybe," he replied. "Another beer, Dave?" we asked. "Uh, no, I don't think so," he replied, and we left.

Back in The Bar With No Name (no wonder we seemed confused - that's how it translates, however illogically) we gave it the old sing-song, but as always the Billy Song started some bother - not in the usual way, but this time it prompted a couple of Rangers idiots to start up The Sash. Cue some drunken pointy fingers and finally the Hun bloke decked some Jambo. Sigh. Fortunately London Hearts were on hand to start up with the politically offensive "Krushchev came to Scotland" (words available on application - We know them - Linlithgow Ed) and a tricky moment was averted. The pure sheer different class London Hearts Flag (as seen on national telly!) was raised and only lowered much later into the night as we stumbled out.

We'd been told about another bars round the corner - Toples’s Bar, I think the sign said - and we went in for a nightcap. They were wonderfully good-looking and had a sense of humour by divesting one boy of his Hearts top and putting it on to great cheers. There's always a first time. Hopefully the old girl in the Western will learn a similar lesson….

Our meal the following evening was in a geen-yu-ine Estonian bar with a dining room in the back. In the window was, I swear, a stuffed wolf with an eagle's wings. I hope there's photographic evidence of this or else it's not just Pirotin I'm taking for my hay fever. All was well until the waiter walked away having taken our order and a man sat down in the corner next to us. He had a box. He went away. He came back with a guitar case. He opened the box. He took out a synthesiser. He plugged them all in. And, together with a woman who sat on her stool and mouthed Cleo-Lainey doo-be-doos, they murdered classic after classic with such a blend of cheesiness and technical perfection that they might as well not have been there - simply put on the James Last cd, please! Dave was the first to crack, gobbling down his main course but the indigestion he suffered later was nothing to the feeling Scott had in his stomach having stayed close to the bitter end. It was all he could do not to throw his chair at them.

Our plushy hotel was situated in a dump of a district that would have Irvine Welsh smacking his lips in approval and each block of flats had its own sign on the end, saying "Baar" which turned out to be nothing more than someone's front room with well-stocked shelves. But Igor's Bar was different. That wasn't its official name, but Igor was the only man we ever met in it, that first fateful night we entered. From the off it was plain that Igor was not the power in the land, particularly as he kept on apologising to us for as yet unknown events. We saw what he meant, only later. When the handsome, slim woman in the corner smiled at us, the ceiling froze over. The plump forty- something and her 'sister' pulled chairs over. The quiet teenage Eurasian barmaid smiled shyly and disappeared. The manageress behind the bar was friendly in the way alligators make friends with wide-mouth frogs. We were in a Russian Mafia bar and there was no mistaking it. Brian said, "We're dead. I knew it." Huh, he had nothing to worry about: Davy was possibly a candidate for Death by Chocolate from one of the older gals, but Scott obviously had 'Dish of the Day' tattooed on his forehead and was in clear and present danger of being eaten alive. Each of the Russians in turn made it plain to him that the pleasantly plump Babushka wanted his bod and nothing less. "Get me out of here," Scott hissed, smiling at his admirer. Davy tried some of his magic tricks to distract them but without a vanishing cabinet (or a big saw) there was no getting rid of the lady. "I'm sorry," Igor pleaded. "I bet you are," we thought. They were the last words we heard him speak before we scarpered. We never saw him again.

You might think we shouldn't have ventured back (certainly Brian didn't) but emboldened by drink we popped our heads round the door two days later. For a moment it was eerily reminiscent of the bar in The Shining with no-one but the manageress there behind the bar, but silently, in her corner, was the handsome cool owner-woman, a cross between the Snow Queen and Rosa Klebb. Not a flicker, not a smile, just regarding us. We didn't even get a drink. After hours, she said. We left, perhaps more scared than the first time. Russian Mafia. Blimey. Perhaps we'd offended the sisterhood of Estonia because the taxi we took back to the hotel the following day was driven by a striking young woman with bad PMT or else she didn't care if she lived or died. Not another one you rejected, Scott? "I don't like to think what might have happened if I'd said yes," he replied grimly.

I've never been a fan of rugby but we watched the finest game ever on the Saturday evening - New Zealand v South Africa on Eurosport. Why so great? Because occasionally the CeeFax would flash up Scottish scores. So you can imagine what happened as the Easter Road story was relayed: 0-0 at half-time, 0-1, and then 0-2. Being Hearts fans life isn't the same without a nervy last ten minutes but when the game finished I suggest we go and celebrate with a bottle of Champagne, which we duly did. And very nice it tasted too.

It wasn't until some time later when we were in a little room in the "Irish" bar with the folk band which was as Irish as Pele when I did my sums. "We've been done," I said angrily. "That Champagne shouldn't have been 1500 krone - that's more than sixty quid. Non-vintage is never more than twenty- five. I'm going back to have words."

"But it was the vintage we drank," said Davy.

"Dave, I'm a wine merchant, I know what I'm talking about. I asked for the non-vintage. Scott, back me up on this." "It said 1990 on the bottle," said Scott.

Pause. "Uh-huh…..I see……… oh, Bugger."

And none of my weasel words of excuse could get them off my back for the rest of the evening. Probably for the rest of my life.[We’ll engrave in on your tombstone - Davy] I bet no-one has ever celebrated a Stranraer victory with vintage Bollinger. Worth every penny, I says. I should have spotted it, of course - but "I was very, very drunk at the time."

"Here's your menu back....."

Lay off Jacko

I have changed my seat from the Gorgie Stand to the Wheatfield this season, taking my seat for the first time against Fulham (writes Richard Robertson). Within fifteen minutes of the game I was disgusted by the abuse that Darren Jackson received from those around me. The abuse became so bad that Darren responded to these morons. "F@6k off ya hibee ba%$£%d" "yir bicycle shorts are so tight ye cannae move ya hibee b£$"%^d" were the general cries. Do these idiots honestly believe this will endear him to play better? Walking up the tunnel at half and full time he couldn't move quickly enough, after scoring TWICE he did not celebrate. This suggests to me that he is already sick of the abuse, moreover, he has said himself that he has not started this season but is aiming to improve. These idiots obviously forgot the results following his arrival last season, or perhaps they would have prefered to keep the aberdeen supporter who limped about the park like a headless chicken and who can't even get a start in an obviously inferior aberdeen team. Personally I feel that getting rid of Hamilton and stealing a Scottish international for the pittance we paid was a fantastic double header, and another great piece of business by JJ. In my humble opinion, Darren Jackson adds stability and composure to a midfield that was being easily overrun by rubbish like the Arabs and their less illustrious housemates from across the street. It was also no coincidence that Fulton began to play again with the introduction of Cameron and Jackson. Personally I couldn't care less who Hearts signed as long as he added something to the team, which Darren Jackson clearly does, I think that these monkeys won't get off his back until he stuffs it to the vermin. If anyone else feels this way I wish they would express it.

You know I just can't believe these morons who criticise the players (writes Lynn Aoki). The signing of Dazza was a big factor in us staying in the top division last season. The guy always gives 100%, I mean what more do these idiots want?If they can't support every single player who wears that maroon jersey then I wish they would just stay away, because they are not doing the team one bit of good. Why do they even bother going to see the Hearts. I mean there really must be something seriously wrong with anyone who splashes good money on a ticket or season ticket and then just slags off the players. I wish they would just piss off, preferably to see a shrink.

Darren 'Jambo' Jackson is one of us (writes Stewart McDonald). All those who do anything other than support him wearing a maroon jersey need their heads examined. The story about Darren Jackson being a mascot for Hearts as a youngster is true. He ran out in front of JJ when JJ was captain. DJ's commitment and desire to do well for Hearts is unquestionable. Any one with any doubt will find out when we play Hibs.

Couldn't agree more - why don't these brain-dead morons pack it in (writes Craig Paterson). We hear so much about the end of Hearts' horror stretch last season coinciding with the return of Cameron - it had at least as much to do with the introduction of Jackson. Correct me if I'm wrong, but when he was at Meadowbank, all the talk was of him coming to Tynie but (as usual) Hearts procrastinated too long and he signed for the vermin. Can anyone sitting near these idiots shut them up? We've got a real bargain here - don't stuff it up.

I agree, where I sit steve Fulton gets the abuse for doing nothing but work hard the whole match. Darren Jackson along with Fulton is a good player and I am sick of people giving them stick for trying hard and playing well. You should get right behind your team and not put them down. It doesn't matter who they supported as a boy, or who they support of the park, as long as they give 100% for the jambos then thats good enough for me.

One Heartening thing is that none of the braindead detractors of JamboJacko have seen fit to write to these columns (KICKBACK). They are certainly few in number (uno?)and I doubt if they will be writing to NIT either. Perhaps the famous monkey sitting in front of a keyboard could write "War and Peace" before these morons could get their brain cells together for long enough to compose a coherent sentence. Hat-trick for Jacko against the vermin? - hope so, but I'd be happy with one or two (as long as they are the winning ones!)

I am not one of the people who openly berate jacko when he plays for Hearts, i would far rather encourage him in the hope that he performs better. However, i am also one of the people who are undecided as to the worth of Darren Jackson (writes Fraser McGlashan). admittedly i only saw him twice play for hearts last season, although on both occasions he gave me the impression that, although extremely enthusiastic, he was a bit of a headless chicken. I can only therefore judge jacko as to what he was like before he came to Hearts, and to be honest I couldnt stand the bloke!! I am however, willing to give the guy a break and see what he can do, after all the results achieved by hearts after his arrival were very good.

In conclusion then, I'd say im undecided and am not willing to just say "Jacko must be great because he plays for Hearts". Ill bide my time and make better judgement later in the season

I'm with you Fraser in that he hasn't fully convinced me yet of his worthiness to the team (writes Geoff Kilpatrick). However, he does give 100% and you have to admire the guy's bottle for coming to Tynie in the first place. I have NEVER booed him in a Hearts jersey and I will never abuse a player who gives 100%.

He will become a folk hero if he scores a winner against the verminous morons from Leith, does a "Gary Locke" with the badge and then starts conducting the Hearts song !! Seriously, if there are Hearts fans out there who are getting on his back, they should piss off.

My opinion ? If you can't keep your mouth shut about Darren Jackson during a match, stay in the house. He may not be at the peak of his career, but he played a significant part in the end of season mini revival. Despite the obvious weaknesses in defence, the team looks up for it at the moment, let's not let old prejudices get in the way, let's make him welcome and roar him on as he helps the Jambos toanother famous derby win

Ed

Beckhams Diary

In the week they played inter

MONDAY:

Talk about baby names in training. Yorkie says why not call him "Juan", after the number of brain cells I have. I laugh along but I don't get it. Talk to the gaffer about it. Tell him I'm thinking of naming the baby after myself. Boss says that no kid would appreciate being called a whingeing egotistical bastard. Suggests I name baby after him.

TUESDAY:

Posh says no child of hers will be called a moaning Scottish git. In training, Yorkie asks why my missus is called Posh; I explain it's because she's a classy bird.

Everyone laughs but I don't know why.

WEDNESDAY:

Talk to the journo who's writing my autobiography. Boss gets us motivated for the match by telling me I'll be playing against the man who cheated in the Argentina game during the World Cup. Didn't even know Owen had signed for Inter. In training boss tells me to practise shooting before getting into the box.

Yorkie says I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in now if I'd done that before.

Everyone laughs but I don't get it.

THURSDAY:

Wow! Boss calls me in and gives me a ten grand a week pay rise. I never asked for it but he explains that I'll need it to keep the child in new Manchester United strips.

FRIDAY:

Gosh, I'm a dad. It's going to mean a whole change to my lifestyle. Now I'm going to have to maintain a nanny too. Decide to call it Brooklyn as that's where it was conceived during a weekend away. Yorkie says thank fuck it wasn't that Saturday we played up the Arsenal.

Everyone laughed but I didn't get it.

10 Years of Excellence

AS VOTED FOR BY YOU, THE READERS

NO IDLE TALK PLAYER OF THE YEAR

89/90 John Robertson
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92/93 Kevin Thomas
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NO IDLE TALK GOAL OF THE SEASON

89/90 John Colquhoun vs Motherwell
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92/93 Glynn Snodin vs Slavia Prague (h)
93/94 Wayne Foster vs Rangers
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96/97 John Robertson vs Rangers
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98/99 Stevie Fulton vs Aberdeen


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