THE FRONT COVER

Money Money Money

EDITORIAL

At last issue 44 hits the streets! A little later than planned, but thanks to various factors outwith our control, we have been starved of regular football recently, and now that we have a regular run of Saturday football, the Hearts have decided to starve us of quality football!

So what's happened since the last issue?

SMG Give Hearts 8 million quid

A welcome injection of cash, and if it is spent in the way it has been described Hearts will be a better team to watch both now and in the future. Clearly, the amount of money given to JJ is causing JJ some problems since he seems unable to secure the signings we so badly need. Motherwell are a prime example. Lee McCulloch is a young laddie who maybe has a future, but he is largly untested and is certainly not worth much more than 500k. I bet JJ is getting the same treatment from other teams. What we have to remember is that he has never had this kind of money available to him ever before, so it's difficult for him as well

One thing worries me about the investment (actually about a dozen things worry me, but I'll only dwell on my worst fear). I could be wrong, but isn't there a clause in the SMG contract that allows them to ask for all the money back sometime in the fuutre if they decide things haven't worked out? If that ever happened, it would be the end of HMFC as we know them. Scary!

Chris Robinson has been acting like a wally(sic)

Nothing new there. Actually I had an argument in the boozer after the Motherwell game when everybody was saying CR should go, he was a disgrace etc. What I pointed out was that four things have happened in the last 5 years which, to me, are significant.  First, we have a stadium of which we can be proud. Second, we signed Jim Jefferies. Third, we won a trophy for the only time in my lifetime. Fourth, someone has thrown 8 MILLION POUNDS at Hearts! Who started the Stadium? Mercer. Who made it happen? CR. Who signed JJ? CR. Would we have won the cup without Jefferies? No. Who do we thank? CR. Who did the negotiations with SMG? Who cares? Leslie Deans is no longer there, so CR must have concluded the deal. Sure, Chris Robinson is an arrogant person who treats ordinary people in a way which can bring on an instant dislike, and he does poke his nose into matters that really he should leave alone, but like it or not, he is the man who got us where we are today.

Mid Season and Hearts are crap again

For a while things were looking up with decent victories early in the season, but let's not kid ourselves - the writing was on the wall against both Rangers and Celtic. They humped us good style and set the tone for what looks like another mediocre season.

I'll have to say up front that I really don't mind Hearts getting beaten, but it is the manner in which we are being beaten and dropping points that ticks me off.  The atmosphere issue is covered ad nauseum later in this issue but we have to drive it home. The problem is, when you are paying the prices we do, I think we have a right to be entertained, and I am not naïve enough to believe that means we win every game, but I have a right to see my team compete EVERY WEEK.  I don't want to see Hearts at the top of the Sunday Post crime count league, I want them to get stuck in now and again. (the eagle-eyed amongst you will see I contradicted myself there. OK, we should take it easy in the league game vs Killie on 27/11 to ensure a victory in the cup game on 30/11).

Everyone is entitled to an off day. But how is it that Hearts can contrive to have six players  having a bad day at the same time.  I'm sorry, but it speaks volumes for both the players attitude and the management, when Gary Locke is in the team on merit. Thomas Flogel has probably the best first touch at Tynie, yet he is almost innefectual during some games. Adam gives us one good game in five. Ritchie's distribution is now officially worse than Alan McLaren's. Naysmith is lacking in confidence and I blame Cameron and other experienced players for not helping him out more. How bad is Le Clerq if he cannot get a game? Rousset? Don't get me started! We're still crap at corners and free kicks! What exactly do the players practice during practice sessions - corners, free kicks, one-twos? Who knows?

The team lacks confidence right now and we badly need a couple of signings. Problem is, we need a major signing in every position. We need a goalie who will foul his own players to get the ball in HIS penalty area. We also need a right back, a midfielder and a target man, not to mention a replacement for Paul Ritchie - will 4 million cover all this?

Help wanted

You're not going to believe this, but we need a  traditional hibs top (XL or XXL). If you could lend us one for a couple of months for a forthcoming article, it would be great.

Finally, on reading a couple of weak interviews done by a down market rival, we'll have to show then the right way to do it, so we are on the lookout for someone with a bit of savvy who can point us in the direction of any potential interviewees and then go ahead and interview them (we're fae Lithgae and cannae get through tae the toon very often, right). We can supply the questions for you. Get in touch

And finally,

In the words of some famous person "Don't let the bastards get you down".

You could try singing and clapping your hands now and again.

          Enjoy the fanzine - Craig Young - Editor

Not that old chestnut again

Well Miffed

Quote of the Week

Classic Terracing Chants

8 million...I must be dreaming

C,mon, admit it, who thought the announcement of the SMG Investment was a huge wind up when they first heard about it?  I know there had been some rumours in the press about a possible investment, but who actually believed it would be so significant?  Mind you, the press managed to make themselves look a bit silly by focussing the speculation all around Robert McGrail - press stupidity or a red herring let out by Robinson to deflect them from the real story?

My big worry about this whole deal surrounds why SMG are giving us all this money?  They must have seen something worth investing in because these companies don't just give money away, but what?  Are they looking for a share of future TV revenue (are Hearts a big enough club to make that idea feasible?), perhaps they are looking at future media links with some kind of multi sports franchise, or is it as simple as wanting to sell more of their other products, The Herald etc to a wider audience than just the west coast?  No doubt the truth will out in the future, and we may not like a lot of it.

A word of caution though.  Half the cash is in the form of optional loan stock, which basically means that in a few years SMG can decide not to bother with the whole investment and ask for half the cash back.  With the club already in debt, we could be saddled with another 4 million on top of it.

But what will we spend the money on?  The club has already announced that it won't be used to pay off any of the current debt, and that a portion will be spent on a Youth Academy.  This must bode well for the future, as we already have an excellent record of bringing through kids from the reserves.  Another portion will be spent on some stadium improvements, but not the re-building of the main stand.  The consensus is that JJ will get about 4mill to spend on the team.  This is a great opportunity for JJ to show us what he can do.  He has already worked miracles with no resources to work with, so fingers crossed he can work his magic with the cash he has available.

The drawback is that we are going to be linked with almost every player that is available.  Already we have been going to sign Jess, Ferguson, McInnes, and some guy from Spurs.  You can guarantee there will be many more before we actually sign someone no-one has mentioned before (although the Sun will probably still try and claim you read it there first).  On the plus side, we should be emptying some of the dead wood.  Jose, Jenkinson, and Makel will be first to go, many others to follow.

But while we read the daily speculation and await the surprises that JJ will come up with, lets just enjoy the moment and the look on the faces of all the vermin!!!!!

Hibs Hype

I can't be the only person to be mystified by the current level of hype surrounding our friends down in Leith.  The press seem to be falling over themselves to say how wonderful everything is down at Easter Road, from the superb attacking football to the brilliance of the manager, not forgetting the silky skills of Latapy, Sauzee etc. 

It all seemed to come to a head after their recent 1-0 defeat at the hands of the Huns.  Apparently they were robbed by an offside goal (later proved to be fine), as well as some outstanding saves by Charbonnier to keep the glorious first division champions out.  This was of course a Rangers team that had played one of the most demanding games of their lives 3 days before in Parma - and not one to normally like the Huns, you've got to say it was the best Scottish result in Europe for a very long time.  Rangers were totally drained after their midweek efforts and yet still managed to win the game!!!!

So, what about the new look Hibs?  It's got to be said that Sauzee looks like a one trick pony.  He can hit the ball quite hard and, er, that’s it.  He wasn't in the game at all in the Derby before he was subbed, and for all the free kicks he took in the Rangers game, they were all straight at the keeper who just palmed them away.  Its clear that once upon a time he was a bit of a player, but he now lacks any kind of pace, and I can't help thinking he might start to get found out over the course of the season.

And then you've got Russell Latapy.  According to some of the press that this guy has had, you'd think Hibs had signed a cross between Zidane, Ronaldo and Maradona.  Now, fair play to the guy, he does look pretty good with the ball at his feet, but it isn't that difficult to stand out of a team that includes such footballing talent as Pat McGinley and Paul Hartley (aren't you glad we didn't sign him!!!)

Which brings us to the Derby game at Easter Road.  The big thing about it for me (that went totally un-noticed in all the press) was that Hibs only played with one striker - this in a home game!!  Apart from a spell in the first half, the only team that looked like they might score was Hearts, and if their keeper hadn't had the game of his life, then it would have been 3 points on the way to Gorgie. 

Lets just wait and see what happens over the course of the season before we judge just how good the Vermin are.  But I for one am looking forward to December 18^th, with a win for hearts putting Hibs back to the bottom of the league…….well, excluding Aberdeen obviously!

The Rag Hits Back

We are Celtic Supporters

Old Firm Offski

Jocky Scott recently caused something of a stir when he suggested that the Old Firm should quit the Scottish premier and leave the rest to get on with it.  The argument goes that a league without the pair of them would leave a much more entertaining division, with the remaining teams being matched much closer.

 There are two strands to consider before reaching a situation where this might come about.  The first is that there would have to be a place where the gruesome twosome could go with their peculiar brand of sectarian bile.  The most obvious place would be that old chestnut of a European League.  You might have heard about this, as it's been mentioned in some form or another for as many years as I can remember.  The theory goes that the top teams in Europe will get together and play in their own division, along much the same lines as your average domestic league, so instead of Man Utd having to take the coach down to Watford or Southampton, they will jump on a plane and play Juventus or Barcelona week in, week out. 

 But there is no danger that Rangers or Celtic (no matter how much their "fans" like to delude themselves) would be invited to play at that kind of level.  More likely, they would have to hope that this Euro League allowed for some kind of promotion and relegation in the form of a Second Division or feeder league.  Now, they might find themselves involved in this area, but at the moment that would only be due to the fact that they attract huge crowds and certainly not due to any football talent or prowess. 

However, I reckon that playing in a Euro League might cause the Old Firm some problems.  Firstly, how loyal will their fans be when they are no longer burying teams 3 or 4 nil on a regular basis?  I think most of us can remember the days of Ibrox and Parkhead being half empty when the teams on the park were not delivering.  And for all the talk of fans being bored watching their team win easily all the time, I know that I for one would happily watch Hearts beating everyone else on a regular basis - I go to the football to be entertained, and the big part of that entertainment is first and foremost Hearts winning!!!!!  And secondly, what of the Old Firm games?  There are thousands of Celtic & Rangers fans whose only wish is that they beat the other lot and finish above them in the table, with the rest of the games a mere distraction (and there are too many Hearts & Hibs fans that think the same thing but that’s another story).   So if somehow the two of them ended up playing in different leagues I could see the sad spectacle of having friendly old firm games to keep the masses happy, and the results of these being the most important game of the season for a large chunk of them!!!!

But what would happen to the teams that are left behind?  I for one don't think that an eight-team league would be viable, so they have to decide on how many teams to promote from the first division.  Are there eight teams worthy of promotion to make up the much heralded 16 team league, or would you just stick to the top ten?  Take Livvy, Dunfermline, Raith, Falkirk, St Mirren and Airdrie and you have just about reached the (low) quality threshold.  I think you would have to stick with the ten.  Mind you, a ten-team league with the teams at roughly the same level would be pretty exciting I reckon, as long as there was only one team relegated.  Imagine having 4 or 5 teams fighting for the title with only a few games remaining?  It would be fantastic, and I reckon it would bring in the fans.  It might even catch the imagination of fringe old firm fans that can't afford to follow the new Euro set up?

Hopefully the league would also take away the fear factor, and allow some younger players to get a game and improve the quality of football?  We're always hearing that the current league doesn't allow managers to play the kids, so why don’t we take this chance to set up a league which will take away the problems that are debated ad nauseum in the media?

Of course, one of the problems that would arise would involve the amount of cash coming into the game North of the Border.  We are told that the only reason anyone invests money in Scottish Football is because of Rangers and Celtic - take them away and you are left with nothing.  Well, the recent cash injection in hearts by SMG must surely crush that argument?  I'm not really sure why SMG gave us all that money, but they must see something worth investing in, and in turn I hope other companies will invest in the other Scottish clubs to allow them to make the improvements that Hearts will now start to make.

A Religious Joke

Alec McLeish gets on a plane and finds out that the Pope is going to be on the same flight.

All excited, he sits down and lo and behold, who is sitting next to him, but the pontiff himself.

Not believing his luck, he thinks to himself, maybe, just maybe, I can get him to bless the team. Not knowing how to react or what to say, he just sits there quietly, full of inner excitement.

The Pope is sitting there quietly doing his crossword puzzle and says to Eck, "Exacusa mea sir, but do you know a 4 letter word, referring to a woman that ends in UNT?"

Only one word leapt to mind, but how, just how could he repeat such a word to his holiness. My goodness I just can't say that, so he sat for a moment and thought about it.

A minute later he says to the Pope, I think the word you are looking for your holiness is AUNT.

Ah, exclaims the Pontiff and says to Eck, "Doa youa hava an eraser????            

Who wants to be a Millionaire

What with our recent cash injection it got me thinking about what we could do with £8million pounds? 

1.       On December 31^st 1999 donate, to your chosen charity, £22.30 for each of the 35770 days since Hibs last lifted the Scottish Cup.

2.       Give Chris Robinson the self appointed pay rise that he claims he deserves making an annual salary which will leave just enough change out of the windfall for a McDonalds Happy Meal.

3.       Bribe the authorities in the Scottish Premier League into giving us 2 Saturday fixtures in a row.

4.       Give £1 to every Sellik fan every time that they claim there is a conspiracy against their club.  (be warned that if you take this option the £8 million will dry up very quickly!)

5.       Buy 3000 sick bags, and give 1 to each of the Season ticket holders at Easter Road who are still spewing at the investment Hearts have been given.  Some are even claiming that they are going to stop watching STV!!!!  Well in the interests of starting petty arguments I ain’t going to drink anymore Carlsberg Larger.

6.       Pay the massive excess baggage charge for the extortionately over weight LANARKSHIRE LUMP of LARD, Tam Cowan,  to go on a one way flight to somewhere that doesn't do return journeys.  (This could really stretch the budget)

7.       Employee about 8,000 extras to fill the empty seats at the new Dens Park.  How many of you noticed that the stand below the TV gantry was completely empty for the last Dundee derby live on SKY

8.       On second thoughts, hire the RAF to bomb Dundee in a serious of air-raids.  Scotland would be a far more hospitable place to live if this pointless city was destroyed.  Does anyone actually go there for anything other than football or to pass through it on your way north.

9.       Build a nuclear, chemical, bomb proof platinum statue of Wayne Foster holding a 21 Key on the corner of Easter Road and Albion Road.  For some reasons the locals are still a bit hostile to the name Wayne!

10.   Buy Hibs and merge the two clubs together.  Obviously to keep the peace in the city the club would have to take its new identity from both clubs traditions.  Therefore we could take the

A R E and H from HibERniAn

And the

T and S from hearTS

To form the new super power of Edinburgh football called HEARTS.

Well that’s my thoughts on how we could spend the money, I am sure that you all have your own ideas so send them to the usual address.

Thornie

A Hibby Joke

A young ventriloquist got his long awaited big break at the Hibs Supporters Social Club. He`s going through his usual well-rehearsed routine when he decides that the crowd needs livened up a bit.  Feeling brave he drapes a Maroon and White Hearts scarf around the kneck of his ventriloquist ‘s doll and starts poking fun at the recent poor form of the Hibs team.

 Apart from a few playful jeers most of  the crowd are taking the act in the spirit it was intended , when one ginger tosser, drapped from head to toe in green and white stands on his chair and says: 

“I`ve heard just about enough of your anti Hibs ramblings. What makes you think you can come into our Social Club and slate our team in the way you are doing.  Its because of guys like you that there is so much hatred generated among football supporters in this country!”

 Flustered and more than a little taken aback, the ventriloquist begins to apologise to the crowd in general for any offence that he may have caused, when the ginger bloke pipes up again, "You shut up and stay out of this.  I`m talking to that little guy on your knee!"

Sing-along-a Section G

I don't know if you have noticed, but nearly every time the singing starts at Tynecastle these days, it seems to come from the direction of Section G in the Wheatfield Stand. Everyone knows that the atmosphere at Tynie needs some serious improvement, so why don't we turn Section G into our main singing section?

I know that most of the Wheatfield Stand is reserved for Season tickets, but we really have to put some pressure on the boring old farts who just sit there. I sit in Section E and while I hold my hands up to not singing every song that's started, it really annoys me that probably 86% of that stand just don't join in the singing, or even the clapping. We can hear the Section G fans starting the song, and some of us gallantly join in, but it's like farting against thunder. I almost feel like apologising to the twats behind me when I stand up to the tune "Stand up if you hate Hibees". I even called then Hibby loving bastards one day and they weren't too chuffed I can tell you. Each to his/her own I say, but we've got to get this singing sorted out. Some people will have to move to Section G (or  get as close as you can , Section F).

It's going to be really difficult, but I wanted to run a couple of ideas past the readers.

1.                    Those people who want to sing and who are able to buy tickets in advance could purchase Section G or Section F tickets thus increasing the size of the choir by a few anyway.

2.                    During the close season (this is regrettably a medium/long term option), all the singers purchase Section G and F season tickets if you can. Through the pages of this fanzine and the letters page in the Jambo we will let people know that is the area we are targetting

3.                    This is an interesting idea. Do you think there are prople currently sitting in Section G with season tickets who might like to move out of that section when the singing starts? And do you think that there might be someone in an equivalent seat in (for instance Section B) who would like to swap with them so they could join in the singing? I know season tickets are non transferrable, but even if there are 50 people who would be happy to swap for an equivalent seat it would help the atmosphere so much.

Has anybody got an opinion on this? I'd like to hear from Section G fans on this to see if this idea is worth pursuing. NIT would be happy to be a go-between if there is someone out there who would move out of Section G this season

                                                                                                                                Craig Young

Diesel Power!

At first glance this may seem like an article on Livingston FC, however bear with me and keep reading. 

I've been watching Hearts since I was 14 and now I've got 2  kids. Problem is, it's always been a worry of mine which way my children would turn. I've no problems with my daughter Lisa who likes the Jambos, wears the top and generally badmouths the Glasgow scum. It's my youngest, Stuart (8) that has the problem. He has turned to the dark side. He's got no chance of me ever taking him to Castle Greyskull, so I jumped at the opportunity when he asked for a Livingston strip for his birthday in August. The only drawback I could see was having to take him to see Livvy play.

But it's not really a drawback, is it? Yeah, I know they are only Meadowbank in disguise, but Robbo's there, Alan McManus and Johnny Millar are still playing, plus it's even easier to get to for me than Falkirk. What did I have to lose? As long as the Jambos aren't playing I decided I felt comfortable cheering Livvy on - so on Saturday 18^th September Stuart and I jumped in the car and went to see Livvy play Inverness Caledonian Thistle.

You've got to laugh really, the pundits were calling this a "derby match"! The clubs are only the odd 150 miles apart! I know there's fierce rivalry between the two clubs due to successive promotion battles so I was expecting a good match. I'd been to Livvy once before when Hearts were drawn against them in the Cup so I knew the layout of the ground.Problem was this time I was a "home" fan and didn't really know which was the best place to sit. I  paid my £2 car parking fee and headed off to the "main" stand looking for the father and son gate. Some twisted designer had decided to place the club shop right beside the father and son gate so in we went. Did Stuart want a nice wee 75 pence rubber for school, hell no, he wanted the £6.75 Livvy scarf!

With scarf in hand I paid the £12 and entered the unknown. I wasn't expecting that much in the way of atmosphere, after all I'd been there before and one of the ends is missing, plus none of the corners are filled in. As well as that, I'd been told that the only reason Livvy get such good crowds was because they give away hundreds of tickets to local schools. I have to say I was pleasantly surprised at the way events unfolded.

The stand I was sitting in was pretty full and most of the seats had "reserved for season ticket holder" on them. But best of all, just before the kick off a guy walked past me carrying a drum. "Imagine sitting next to him" I thought! That was only the half of it. By the time the teams ran out onto the park there was a big base drum as well and basically these two hammered their drums right through the game. They had clearly practiced certain "beats" because they could do the Carnival De Paris song quite well. They had also cleverly practiced certain routines on the drums which enabled the crowd nearest to them recognise which song they were playing. This got the crowd involved for most of the match and made the whole spectacle in front of 3,255 fans  much more enjoyable than I'd expected.

This got me to thinking about the atmosphere at Tynecastle. It was evident at the Dundee game when we beat them 4-0. There's no-one conducting the fans, and there only seems to be one section from where all the songs originate and that is section G. Against Dundee, there were only a couple of half-hearted songs from the Hearts fans and to be honest, it's getting to the stage where the away fans give the Hearts fans a round of applause when we sing. I was really impressed with the Livvy drums and wondered how the idea would go down in the Tynecastle boardroom. We have considerable evidence in writing that Hearts would be prepared to entertain some kind of singing section, so why not 2 drums in the back row?

I don't play any drum, and I don't know of anyone else who does but I'd like to hear any opinions. If you've got a spare Saturday (god knows we have plenty of them these days) go along to Livingston and check out the atmosphere. I suppose if it came to pass, you would have to contact Tynecastle to get permission and you'd have to warn people in the stand prior to a selected match, but the idea is not inconceivable.

Where did the title of the article come from? Well, one of the guys with the drums was wearing a Livvy top and on the back he had it printed with the number 3 and Diesel Power. Why? Who knows?

...ONLINE...

After the recent launch of HMFC.NET we hopefully now have a few more Jambos out there who are surfing into the Hearts site on the net.  It really is the best way to surf aswell as costing you nothing bar the price of a local rate phone call it is also helpling the club with a slice of what you spend on your telephone line going directly to the club.

If you haven’t subscribed yet get yourself an HMFC.NET account by logging into 

The team of the nineties

As the century ends It is a time for taking stock, and looking forward to a new millenium. There can be no doubt that the wave of optimism that swept through Tynie in the summer of 1998 has given way to a state of nervousness. Have we progressed? Are we good enough? Have we peaked, and have seen the only trophy we are ever going to see? With these thoughts in mind, I've looked at all the major games played in the 1990's. I've placed them in a league table in order of merit. The 3^rd/4^th column indicates 3^rd or 4^th in the league and losing semi finals in both cups. Europe is not counted. I've given 3 points for a tropy, 2 for a final appearance and 1 for 3^rd/4th

If you take into account that of Aberdeen's 15 entries,  only 5 of them came in the last 5 years of the decade, and of Hearts 13 entries, there were 8 entries for the 1990, I think we have every right to look back on the 1990's with some satisfaction when we compare ourselves with teams outside Rangers and Celtic

Houstie

It's been a bit of a stop start season for both the first team and our U21 side. Let me explain to you the goings on regarding the Hearts Under 21 team. A rule was made up by an SPL committee stating that all U21 fixtures had to be played at a suitable venue. All SPL clubs were asked to nominate the ground(s) that the fixtures were going to be played and Hearts selected Newtongrange and Tynecastle. With the problems we've had with the Tynecastle pitch, the club were going to play the majority at Newtongrange. The facilities at Newtongrange are,in our opinion, superb. However someone decided that all grounds had to be registered by either SPL or SFL and that meant that Newtongrange became unsuitable. During the close season the Chief Executive offered a substantial sum to Livingston in the hope that we could have had the excellent facilities of Almondvale but, with the Celtic connections at Livingston, Celtic got the ground for their games. Hearts were left with no ground to play and Raith Rovers were the only club to agree to let us have their ground. Although Hearts fans will be annoyed the fact is we had to get a facility. Hopefully Tynecastle will get back to being a good surface which will allow us to use it next season.

 On the pitch the Hearts Under 21s have made a good start and at the time of writing have won 4 drawn 1 and lost 1. Only 6 games played and we are in 3rd place with the teams above us having played 10 games. People will have noticed that our rivals Hibs have made a good start but if we win our games in hand we will go above them into top spot. Hibs beat us at Tynecastle in the opening game by a single goal but we were very poor that night but created enough chances to win 3 games. After our opening 2 games in which we never scored I was concerned about the chances we were missing but extra practice in training has seen the lads score 13 goals in the other 4 games of which 3 were away from home.

 Some of you will wandering what has happened to Robbie Neilson who was one of the players that was being touted to be the next player pushing for a first team place after some excellent performances for the reserves over the last couple of seasons. Well Robbie missed the pre-season of 1998/99 after having an operation on his Back which reduced the number of appearances last season. He came back to play in the last 6 games of last season and unfortunately broke a bone in his foot in the very last youth match which meant he also missed this years pre-season training. Now any player will tell you that pre-season training is a major part on any players season. I am pleased to say that Robbie is back to full fitness and hopefully he will be pushing for first team action soon. Having mentioned Robbie I must also let you know that Kenny Milne played his first match of the season at Starks Park against Dundee 21s and came through it with flying colours. Kenny also managed to get his goal-a-season in on his first outing. Well done Kenny.

Here's hoping we can start getting a good run of results at both 1st team and U21 level. Have a guid xmas and a pissed up New Year.

Cheers Houstie

A letter to Hearts

The boring bit

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We asked 100 Jambos

What’s your favourite other team after the Hearts?

(Hearts reserves, Hearts U21's and Hearts Youth side were not allowed)

1              Livingston                             21%

2.             Man.City                               14%

3.             Cowdenbeath                       9%

4.             Inverness Caley Thistle      7%

5.             Aston Villa                            5%

Don't know what it proves, but I was surprised at the lack of support for the North Eastern teams, and I thought Chelsea would figure somewhere - still ,it filled a small corner of the

Are you being serbed?

We asked 100 Jambos

It seems as though there was a meeting last year to discuss

the removal of JJ as manager if the Jam Tarts got relegated.

If this was true what is your opinion of CR?

The way Hearts were playing,

I'm not surprised they discussed it                   75%

It's bad but it is a part of being a board member             11%

He should resign or be ousted                                          4%

He should apologise publicly to JJ                                   4%

Forget it, let sleeping dogs lie                                            4%

Hibs V Hearts 14 August

re Response to "Red Hand Gang" Issue 43

A Ten Step Plan to Playing the Old Firm

Surfing for Beginners!

I used to think "Surfing the net " was a new type of sport and a" web site" was something to do with spiders, words like online, e-mail, hard wear, software were alien to me. until a couple of months ago, that is, when the Wife and I decided to invest in a PC. We went on the internet with AOL, not that I could tell if any of the servers were better than the others but soon I discovered the football chat rooms, where you can talk to other fans from all over the UK and beyond. It was good to discover some Jambos, one used the screen name Gorgie1874, while another used HMFC16thMay, (wish I had thought of that one). But others, me included use nicknames as their screen name.

A game of one half

An away trip to Motherwell on a cold and rainy Monday night is hardly the most appealing trip of the season, especially when it is live on SKY, but off we set not knowing of the drama that was to unfold.   On arrival at the stadium, about 45 minutes prior to kick off,  we were informed by one of the stewards that it was highly unlikely that the game was going to go ahead due to the torrential rain.

Anyway after a short delay we were told that the game was now going ahead. No doubt something to do with SKY flexing their muscles and insisting that they did not wish to re-arrange their schedules even if it meant showing, for the first time ever, Water Polo from Fir Park.   

So we got inside the ground after paying our £15 admission, which incidentally is only charged to Rangers, Celtic and Hearts fans with all other teams being charged reduced prices, and tried to take our seats.  Due to the fact that the rain was lashing into the visitors stand we decided to head for the top tier.  BUT using only logic which the Weedgie folk would understand we were prevented from doing so by a steward who refused to give us an explanation.   Even more bizarrely, when we tried to take a seat near the back of the  front tier we were told by another steward that we couldn’t sit in the middle section of the front tier.  Again no explanation as to why we couldn’t sit there, we were simply ushered into the front  right hand corner of the stand where all the seats were already soaking wet.  When we complained, to yet another steward, about not being able to take one of the dry seats, we were told that if we didn’t like it we could leave. 

About 10 minutes before kick off the stewards then decided that people could after all sit in the middle section of the bottom tier.  This obviously led to a mad scramble for the dry seats from those of us who had been forced to take inferior seats earlier on and led to people getting shoved and tripping as those of us who had been forced down the front rushed back up the stairs meeting the fans who had just arrived in the ground and were coming down the stairs.  At this stage you had to wonder what the point was of having stewards in the stadium that night.  Don’t get me wrong I think that the stewards at most grounds do a very difficult job on the whole reasonably well.  Not here though, there was no communication with the fans and no organisation.  Still this was only the tip of the ice berg and there was still worse to come.

The most bizarre decision of the night was taken just seconds before kick off.  At the very last gasp the stewards had opened the top tier which led to hundreds of Hearts fans getting out of their seats and rushing up stairs as others were trying to gain access to the bottom tier. 

It begs the question:-

Does anyone at Motherwell FC really take crowd safety seriously?  To section of 2 of the better areas of a stand only to open them when inferior seating areas are nearly full is almost beyond belief.

Undeterred, but still cold and wet I decided that it was time to go to the Motherwell pie stand for a burger and a bovril.  Obviously several other people had the same idea and unbelievably there were only 2 girls serving at the kiosks.  The rest of the kiosk was shuttered off.  Eventually I got to the front, remember this is before half time, and asked for a burger and a bovril.  We don’t  have any hot food left was the response.  GREAT!!!  On a freezing cold night all that Motherwell could supply me with was a coffee and a packet of crisps.

Back in my seat and the game was now turning into a complete farce.   I don’t know why they even played to half time as they players were showing various different styles of the breast stroke as they tried to stop themselves, after making a tackle and sliding half the length of the pitch.

At half time there was, as expected, an announcement that the game was abandoned and that there would be vouchers handed out for the re-arranged match.  Now this is where the free for all really started.  Before I go any further some sections of the media and Pat Nevin made a big issue about what a wonderful gesture George Boyle made by  giving out these vouchers. 

BOLLOCKS!!! He had to, it the rules.  If anything he should have been slated for his piss poor organisation. 

There were no instructions as to how we were to get the vouchers and then some stewards appeared at the front of the stand and started dishing them out.  This led to a scramble to see who could get to the front of the stand in the quickest possible time and led to a crush against the barrier at the front.  Now the tickets were allocated not as you might expect  with  one going  to each person but instead in batches of a handful to the first hand that could grab them when the steward held them up.  Some Hearts fans walked away from the front of the stand with enough tickets to run a supporters bus while most were left with nothing.   The atmosphere in the stand was beginning to get a bit hostile as yet again there was no communication as to what was happening.

 Eventually we were told that there were tickets available outside the stand so this led to another race to see who could get down the stairs the quickest.  Another potential opportunity for someone to get hurt.  When we arrived outside it was another free for all with 2 stewards trying to dish out tickets to all of the Hearts fans.  Needless to say that it wasn’t long before their supplies rang out.  So we were ushered back into the stadium where we had to queue on the internal stairs for 15 minutes before, yes you guessed it, we were escorted up the stairs, into the bottom tier, along the front of the top tier and then back down the other stair case and no there weren’t any tickets at the bottom.

 By this stage the Hearts support were becoming very frustrated and   the atmosphere was getting quite hostile which was understandable given that we had been getting pissed about since the minute that we had stepped into the ground and by this stage had been trying to get tickets for over half an hour.  Eventually after about  40 minute someone at Motherwell used his brain cell and got all the Hearts fans to queue up single file at the gates to the stand issued those of us that were left with a ticket.

Why though, did it take 40 minutes to organise, by which time many Hearts fans had given up on getting a ticket and went home empty handed.

GEORGE BOYLE likes to  pride  himself on making Motherwell a people’s club, well my message to him is that a piece of shit on the bottom of someone’s shoe would be treated better at every other ground in the SPL.

 I even wrote to Motherwell to explain my concerns and disappointment about the organisation on the night but, not surprisingly,  they never bothered to write back to me.  This is not the first time that Hearts fans have been badly treated at Fir Park, you only need to think back to the problems trying to get into the ground at the Cup game last year and the usual long long queues at most of the other games there.  Therefore in my opinion I don’t think Motherwell could give a toss about the Hearts support, who usually make up at least half of the support at their poxy stadium, and on the evidence of the last game they certainly don’t appear to give a toss about our safety.  I for one won’t shed any tears if it is Motherwell that end up in the playoff spot and hopefully eventually end up playing in Division 1.

Thornie

A topical joke

A man has tickets for Wembley for the Scotland, England, EURO 2000 play off.
As he sits down, another man comes and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat
next to him. "No", he replies "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the most important British football match in years, one
of the biggest sporting events in the world, and not use it?" He says
"Well, actually, the seat
belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the
first Scotland match we haven't been to together since for 25 years".
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the
seat?".
The man shakes his head.

We asked 100 Jambos

The 10 Games of Christmas

If there was one time of the year that football supporters could really be doing without additional fixtures, it would have to be December. Don't get me wrong, I have been like a bear with a sore head on many a Saturday this season when we haven't had a match but the fixture pile-up in December is ridiculous. I guess most people start having their Christmas nights out and parties at the end of November running right up until Christmas Day. Unless you are a recent lottery winner then I guess that most of us will be watching the pennies in that month trying to ensure that the bank balance doesn’t tumble over into the dreaded overdraft. So why in the period between November 20th until the shutdown on December 27th, in a period where we would normally expect to see 5 or 6 games do we have the prospect of 10 fixtures?????

And it gets worse!!!. Only 3 of the ten matches are on a Saturday and out of the 10 games we have seven away trips. Now I, like many of you, consider myself to be a diehard Jambo and have only missed one domestic game, home and away, in the past 8 years but the December pile up is going to test my budget to the max.  Why couldn’t the a For a bit of fun I have listed below the fixtures with a guestimate of how much it is likely to cost to follow the team.  

Please note that these values are guesses based on a season ticket holder travelling on a supporters bus to the match from Falkirk.

So there we have it. As I said these values are only guestimates based on last season's admissions, having a shot on the sweep stake on the bus, drinking more on a Saturday game and also a pie and a bovril. When you add it all up it come to a grand total of:-

£299

And remember thats me with a season ticket having access to cheap away travel via our supporters bus. I pity those of you that don't have a season ticket!!

How many of you have a spare £299 in the month leading up to Xmas???? If you are one of the lucky few then any chance of a tap????

Dear NIT

Just a small note on the atmosphere at Tynie these days. I could not agree more about your article on the match against Dundee.Utd last May. They brought 300 fans if they were lucky, but they sang all the time, while the Hearts fans sat very quiet and we probably played our best football of the season.

Tynecastle is no doubt one of the best grounds in Scotland for atmosphere, but I've got to admit it, we only sing against the Old Firm and the scum from Leith. Why is this? (because we hate them - ed)

We uset to sing at every match, but not now. What I would like to hear is the 1974 record "The song of Tynecastle" played before every match either before or after  Hector Nicholl's version of the Hearts song. This brings back memories of when I was a kid being taken to Tynecastle. The song really gets the adrenalin going.

So how about having a word with Mark McKenzie and try and get some of the boring farts to start singing for my beloved Jambos.

Garry Finlayson

Millenium Competition

Hearts best eleven

We asked 100 Hearts fans what they thought the best eleven was taken from the current squad. We also asked what the formation should be.

Keepers

Rousset       68%

McKenzie  32%

Verdict?

A stay of execution for poor Gilles

Defence

Pressley      100% Murray        12%

Naysmith  96%  Le Clerq      12%

Ritchie       96%  McKinnon  8%

Flogel        76%  James         8%

Locke         20%

Verdict?

Clearly, there are 4 defenders in which we trust.

The rest, I'm afraid we just don't have the confidence

in. This really means I suppose that the fans only want

to see four defenders out there.  Considering Le Clerq's

appearances have been limited to say the least, it doesn't 

say much for the people who polled less votes!

Midfield

Cameron       100%

Jackson            88%

Severin            66%      

Fulton             50%

Verdict?

I was wondering who would get the nod between Severin and Fulton. They are different players, but Fulton has been playing pretty well. I guess the ball winner gets it, although given that half of the people polled wanted him in the team , he would definitely earn a place on our imaginary "bench".

Also interesting to notice that, despite 4 mediocre performances, Jacko still remains in our starting line-up (or is it because there are few options in midfield). Looking at the voting, it strikes me that Hearts are very vulnerable in midfield. There isn't much competition for places unless we put a defender in there out of position. Something for JJ to work on there, I think  

Attack

McSwegan           100%      Juanjo        40%

Adam               96%       Wales         4%

Verdict?

No real surprises there. Basically, we are stuck with the two main strikers, with bit-part players waiting in the wings for an appearance from the subbys bench. 4% is unfair on Gary Wales cos he's only played a few games.

Conclusion?

Until we sign someone - this is as good as it gets

4-4-2 formation (but the voting was close, so the bench will include players capable of changing it from 442 to 433 if required)

     Rousset

Flogel    Pressley     Ritchie   Naysmith

                   Fulton    Severin    Cameron   Jackson

                          Adam     McSwegan

Subbies :

          Juanjo        Wales

          Locke

          Murray

                             Thanks to all who took part

Who says all weegies are bad

We did a mailshot recently asking for contributions and we received some really heartening responses with several interested parties telling us about their love of the Jambos.  No hints of names here, just some paragraphs which , when you read them, make you feel good inside and makes you realise that being a Jambo is not so much about supporting a football team, but more of a way of life..

"The fact is I come from Argyll not traditional Hearts land and regretably was a Rangers supporter as a boy . As i reached maturity i decided i was getting increasingly fed up with the bigotry and anti-Scottishness , so i denounced myself as a hun (not an easy thing to do in a wee town like Dunoon) and within a few years joined the Jambo cause. I've been a Jambo for nearly 10 years now, through a lot, and now the kids are travelling with me too ,as well as other folks i've managed to convert. It's as well being honest your sins will find you out.

On average i travel to about 15 homes and 5 aways every season therefore i'm not a season-ticket holder, although I am a shareholder"

"You may or may not know that I have just moved out to the States. We have also met another Jambo who is working out here and there are 2/3 other and we intend to start up a Washington DC Hearts so if you want an article on what we are up to and news of our regular piss-ups watching Scottish Footie on a Sat morning then please letme know and I'm sure we could put something funny together for the Zine "News Across The Pond" or "Far Too Far From Gorgie" or something like that"

"I'm not that young a supporter at 35 but have been actively attending matches since 86 being more of an armchair fan before that. Distance is my main problem (I live in Blyth near Newcastle) I've got a young family and the train aint that cheap so I can't get to enough games to justify a season ticket. However I get to as many games as possible. Most weekend home games and a handful of away games a season. There are a number of us travel up on GNER for the games and we've recently decided to try and get a supporters club organised. I seem to have been elected to do the organising ! so watch out for Great North Eastern Hearts !"

"I am a 70's die-hard (1st game 1973) who now lives in London. I have a season ticket though I don't get to too many games."

"Watched them since 1963, was a season ticket holder in the 70's, lived in and around London since 1982. tend to see more away matches (Paris, Munich, Tallin - see the world with Hearts). Member of London Hearts "

"I started following Hearts somewhere around 1960 as a 5 or 6 year old. I was born and raised in Leith with a Hibby for a dad. I don't know why I started following the JT's but can't remember not. My dad took me to a lot of games(must have killed him, but he did it) untill I was old enough to go on my own. But we had our own store and worked most Saturday's. I went to as many games as I could until I emigrated to Canada in 1977. Seen a few games on vacations but I'll go to my grave regretting not being at Ibrox on may 16^th 1998".

Hibby Baiting

(From an idea seen in the excellent Wolves fanzine "A Load of Bull")

15 things you can do with a hibs top

·                     Repair a deck chair

·                     Sew the neck and arms up and use it as a Tesco shopping bag

·                     Carpet Underlay

·                     A vest for a clown

·                     Line the dogs kennel

·                     Incontinence pants for granny

·                     Land infill site

·                     Loft insulation

·                     Dye it Maroon

·                     Clothe refugees

·                     Swabs in a hospital operating theatre

·                     Laugh at it

·                     Defumigate it

·                     Wrap chips in it

·                     Burn it

But the best use is the one it already has

·                     Give it to some twat to wear!

Farewell Jose

Couldn't let this issue pass without passing comment on Jose Quitongo. When he joined Hearts in 1997 I didn't have any great expectations, and on reflection, he's not that great a player. However, he will go down in Gorgie folklore simply because he scored against the vermin in a 2-0 victory in November 1997. After that he scored one of the most celebrated goals of the season when he equalised in the 90^th minute against Celtic.

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Section last updated 22nd January 2000