Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir? 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouserlegs and put it in a library.' I thought: 'That's a turn-up for the books.'

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said: 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me: 'Can you give me a lift?' I said: 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said: 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said: 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said: 'Hundreds & thousands?' I said: 'We'll start with one.' He said: 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said: 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said: 'I want to buy a tent.' He said: 'To camp?', I said (butchly): 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said: 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (campily): 'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said: 'Say Aaah.' I said: 'Why?' He said: 'My dog's died.'

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought: 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me: 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said: 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said: 'You are.'

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: 'Is that the local swimming baths? 'He said: 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said: 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said: 'I'm not stopping you.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said: 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said: 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said: 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said: 'What happened to you?' And I said: 'I careered off the road.'

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.

I went to the dentist. He said my teeth are fine, my gums will have to come out.

I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

I went out for a meal last night. I ordered everything in French. Everyone looked surprised, it was a Chinese restaurant.

I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'. He said 'I should think so. It's been dead for two weeks'

'Not only that', I said, 'It's got one leg shorter than the other'. He said 'What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?'

Anyway, I said to the waiter, 'Forget the chicken, bring me a lobster. So he brought a lobster. I said 'Just a minute, it's only got one claw.' He said 'It's been in a fight'. I said 'Bring me the winner'.

Did you hear about the short-sighted bank robber? He went into the bank, he said 'Stick 'em up..... Are they up?'

I was walking up the road the other night, a man came out of a doorway. He said 'Have you seen a policeman round here?' I said 'No'. He said 'Stick 'em up'.

I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs ... but she's good with the kids.

I was in Margate last year for the summer season. A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism." So I did, and I got it.

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

I backed this horse at twenty to one - it came in at half past four. It was so late, it had to tiptoe back to the stables.